Well, there I was. I was walking through the wooded cut to college,
thinking about my latest fanfic and looking forward to seeing people's
reactions when I realised that this trip was taking slightly longer than it
usually did. I dragged my mind back to reality and focused my eyes on the
path ahead of me. Where there should have been the wall of the sports hall
on my left, there were trees. Dark trees.
"Oh bloody hell." I muttered to myself. "I've only been walking the bloody path for six months! You'd think I knew it well enough not to get flaming lost!"
Despite feeling like walking into the nearest tree to try and cure my stupidity, I had kept on walking. After all, I couldn't be /that/ far away from college and the wood wasn't that big. At worst, I'd end up in Ambleside.
But the wood seemed to be slightly darker than it should, and I certainly didn't remember the trees being almost unfriendly. Off to the right of me, I saw a large pair of eyes glowing, and a voice hissed. "Precioussss."
"Oh bugger off." I said automatically, and the eyes blinked and withdrew. Then I stopped dead.
"Oh shit, is the first words that spring to mind Jen dear. Unless that was Geezer playing a practical joke, which he hasn't got the intelligence to, then I think…Oh fuck."
Middle-Earth. That would explain the dark wood, unfamiliar path, and the thing with a 's' fetish.
"Oh fuck." I repeated, before dropping to the ground. "That's the last bloody time I go /that/ way then! I'm well and truly bloody screwed!"
It finally occurred to me to check the contents of my bag.
"Lets see now. RE file, no use unless I need to teach orcs about Buddhism. Mind you, I could bludgeon them to death with the handouts. History file, useless unless anyone wants to write his or her name in Tudor writing. A bottle of water, that's useful. A folder of fanfics? Pretty much useless in this situation since I seem to be living one. A kitchen knife? How the hell did that get in there? Oh god." And memories of the previous night surfaced. I looked up, about to curse again, only to find an arrow inches from my nose. Then I took note of the man with the pointy ears (mental translation: elf) holding the bow.
"Shit!"
The guy standing next to him in green.
"Double shit!"
Legolas and Aragorn. Just what I needed!
"What is she?" Legolas asked Aragorn.
"She appears to be human." Aragorn replied.
"She could be a spy."
That did it. I'm usually a calm(ish) person, but being talked about in the 3rd person /really/ bugs me.
"Oh put the arrow away." I said in my most sardonic voice. "I'm not going to turn rabid and gnaw your throat out. And besides, I'm 18, female, and holding a small knife. How much bloody harm could I do to one elf, aged 3000ish, with a bow, and reflexes like a cat on a hot tin roof?"
I watched the pairs reaction.
"She's got you there." Aragorn noted.
Legolas slacked his grip, and the arrow was pointed away from me, but the elf still regarded me with suspicion.
"I /do/ happen to be here." I continued in my own private rant. "So I'd appreciate it if you'd talk to me. In common please." I hastily added as Legolas whispered something to Aragorn in Elvish. "I can only speak about ten words of elvish, and most of those are insults."
"Who are you?" Aragorn asked. "And where do you come from?"
Well, at least one of the two was being civil while the other tried to practise his laser vision eye technique on my neck. If he was any good at it, I'd be looking at them from the ground.
"Jen, from well, Earth?"
/That/ got a reaction. Both stepped back and the bow once more orientated to bear on me.
"You're not a Mary Sue are you?" Aragorn asked, voice almost seeming to quiver.
Now that was a name that I didn't expect to hear here. Evidently Sueness was about in Middle-Earth.
"Do I bloody look like one? If I was, wouldn't I be wearing a dress that was totally impractical for the woods, speak with the voice of an angel, not swear as much, and have just saved the pair of you from a rampaging orc hoard armed with nothing but a nail file and a hair clip?"
Now it was Legolas's turn to smile. "She's got you there." He said, before turning suspicious and asking. "Have you ever written what I think are called 'slash fics' or 'romance fics'?"
"No on both counts, apart from one spoof, but I think she's going to die. Why?"
"He's deciding whether he likes you or not Jen." Aragorn informed me, before sitting down, obviously feeling more relaxed. Legolas must have been pleased with my answer as the bow was once more removed from my face and he sat as well.
"You're not going to get all weepy on us are you?" Legolas asked.
"Hell no! I'm just pissed off with myself for taking the wrong bloody turning and winding up here."
They both seemed to be pleased with this, now they knew that I wasn't going to start acting like a warrior princess, or a helpless butterfly.
"I take it you know who we are then." Aragorn asked and I nodded.
"It'd be difficult for me not to."
"How many times did you see the film?" Legolas broke in
"Ten, but that was because it's a bloody good film, not because I fancied the pants off any of the characters. That's not to that I didn't, but I pushed the thought to the back of my mind mainly."
"Who did you fancy?" was the quick question.
"You, you, and Boromir. And before you ask, it was your eyes. You all have nice eyes. But I'm not going to try and snog you."
"Glad to hear it." Legolas replied dryly.
"So, either of you care to tell me where I am?" and this was a basic attempt to try and find my way back home. Middle-Earth was nice, but I was bloody useless. No martial arts training, no archery, or anything remotely resembling violence training. Well, apart from pyromaniac tendencies (I had often felt the urge to set my noisy housemates on aflame but had so far refrained), and pulling a knife on people. (Someone had played a practical joke on me after me asking them not to. I wasn't best pleased, so I borrowed a knife from the kitchen and threatened him with it.)
Then Aragorn noticed the knife that I still held in my hand.
"How did you get that? Is the place you live dangerous?"
I blushed. "It's a long story."
"We have time." Legolas said, settling himself comfortably.
Bugger. "It was Cassies birthday yesterday. I got drunk. Very drunk. We had a party in my room. I brought a knife to cut the cake with, but Geezer hid it. I had to use a spoon. Geezer must have hidden it in my bag." I saw no need to mention the other incident involving a bottle of vodka, an electric guitar, and the delusion that I could sing.
"You guys got any idea how I can get home?" and yes, at this point I was starting to get a bit weepy, but you don't fancy someone for seven years and them never finding out without becoming an amateur actress.
"Lord Elrond or Gandalf would know. They've dealt with all the others that have turned up so far." Aragorn replied. "Care for us to show you the way to Rivendell?"
"Well, seeing as I haven't the foggiest idea where it is, it /might/ be useful." And my sarcasm refound itself.
And so I headed off in the company of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and Legolas Greenleaf. This was going to be interesting to the least.
"Either of you two want to know about Buddhism?"
((A/n Well, this is another of those stories that once you get it into your head, you've got to get it down on paper. Shameless self-insertion, and I think its fairly like what my own reaction to being sent to Middle-Earth would be like (but my names not Jen :P) Flattery will be swooned over and flames will be used to satisfy my pyro urges :P))
"Oh bloody hell." I muttered to myself. "I've only been walking the bloody path for six months! You'd think I knew it well enough not to get flaming lost!"
Despite feeling like walking into the nearest tree to try and cure my stupidity, I had kept on walking. After all, I couldn't be /that/ far away from college and the wood wasn't that big. At worst, I'd end up in Ambleside.
But the wood seemed to be slightly darker than it should, and I certainly didn't remember the trees being almost unfriendly. Off to the right of me, I saw a large pair of eyes glowing, and a voice hissed. "Precioussss."
"Oh bugger off." I said automatically, and the eyes blinked and withdrew. Then I stopped dead.
"Oh shit, is the first words that spring to mind Jen dear. Unless that was Geezer playing a practical joke, which he hasn't got the intelligence to, then I think…Oh fuck."
Middle-Earth. That would explain the dark wood, unfamiliar path, and the thing with a 's' fetish.
"Oh fuck." I repeated, before dropping to the ground. "That's the last bloody time I go /that/ way then! I'm well and truly bloody screwed!"
It finally occurred to me to check the contents of my bag.
"Lets see now. RE file, no use unless I need to teach orcs about Buddhism. Mind you, I could bludgeon them to death with the handouts. History file, useless unless anyone wants to write his or her name in Tudor writing. A bottle of water, that's useful. A folder of fanfics? Pretty much useless in this situation since I seem to be living one. A kitchen knife? How the hell did that get in there? Oh god." And memories of the previous night surfaced. I looked up, about to curse again, only to find an arrow inches from my nose. Then I took note of the man with the pointy ears (mental translation: elf) holding the bow.
"Shit!"
The guy standing next to him in green.
"Double shit!"
Legolas and Aragorn. Just what I needed!
"What is she?" Legolas asked Aragorn.
"She appears to be human." Aragorn replied.
"She could be a spy."
That did it. I'm usually a calm(ish) person, but being talked about in the 3rd person /really/ bugs me.
"Oh put the arrow away." I said in my most sardonic voice. "I'm not going to turn rabid and gnaw your throat out. And besides, I'm 18, female, and holding a small knife. How much bloody harm could I do to one elf, aged 3000ish, with a bow, and reflexes like a cat on a hot tin roof?"
I watched the pairs reaction.
"She's got you there." Aragorn noted.
Legolas slacked his grip, and the arrow was pointed away from me, but the elf still regarded me with suspicion.
"I /do/ happen to be here." I continued in my own private rant. "So I'd appreciate it if you'd talk to me. In common please." I hastily added as Legolas whispered something to Aragorn in Elvish. "I can only speak about ten words of elvish, and most of those are insults."
"Who are you?" Aragorn asked. "And where do you come from?"
Well, at least one of the two was being civil while the other tried to practise his laser vision eye technique on my neck. If he was any good at it, I'd be looking at them from the ground.
"Jen, from well, Earth?"
/That/ got a reaction. Both stepped back and the bow once more orientated to bear on me.
"You're not a Mary Sue are you?" Aragorn asked, voice almost seeming to quiver.
Now that was a name that I didn't expect to hear here. Evidently Sueness was about in Middle-Earth.
"Do I bloody look like one? If I was, wouldn't I be wearing a dress that was totally impractical for the woods, speak with the voice of an angel, not swear as much, and have just saved the pair of you from a rampaging orc hoard armed with nothing but a nail file and a hair clip?"
Now it was Legolas's turn to smile. "She's got you there." He said, before turning suspicious and asking. "Have you ever written what I think are called 'slash fics' or 'romance fics'?"
"No on both counts, apart from one spoof, but I think she's going to die. Why?"
"He's deciding whether he likes you or not Jen." Aragorn informed me, before sitting down, obviously feeling more relaxed. Legolas must have been pleased with my answer as the bow was once more removed from my face and he sat as well.
"You're not going to get all weepy on us are you?" Legolas asked.
"Hell no! I'm just pissed off with myself for taking the wrong bloody turning and winding up here."
They both seemed to be pleased with this, now they knew that I wasn't going to start acting like a warrior princess, or a helpless butterfly.
"I take it you know who we are then." Aragorn asked and I nodded.
"It'd be difficult for me not to."
"How many times did you see the film?" Legolas broke in
"Ten, but that was because it's a bloody good film, not because I fancied the pants off any of the characters. That's not to that I didn't, but I pushed the thought to the back of my mind mainly."
"Who did you fancy?" was the quick question.
"You, you, and Boromir. And before you ask, it was your eyes. You all have nice eyes. But I'm not going to try and snog you."
"Glad to hear it." Legolas replied dryly.
"So, either of you care to tell me where I am?" and this was a basic attempt to try and find my way back home. Middle-Earth was nice, but I was bloody useless. No martial arts training, no archery, or anything remotely resembling violence training. Well, apart from pyromaniac tendencies (I had often felt the urge to set my noisy housemates on aflame but had so far refrained), and pulling a knife on people. (Someone had played a practical joke on me after me asking them not to. I wasn't best pleased, so I borrowed a knife from the kitchen and threatened him with it.)
Then Aragorn noticed the knife that I still held in my hand.
"How did you get that? Is the place you live dangerous?"
I blushed. "It's a long story."
"We have time." Legolas said, settling himself comfortably.
Bugger. "It was Cassies birthday yesterday. I got drunk. Very drunk. We had a party in my room. I brought a knife to cut the cake with, but Geezer hid it. I had to use a spoon. Geezer must have hidden it in my bag." I saw no need to mention the other incident involving a bottle of vodka, an electric guitar, and the delusion that I could sing.
"You guys got any idea how I can get home?" and yes, at this point I was starting to get a bit weepy, but you don't fancy someone for seven years and them never finding out without becoming an amateur actress.
"Lord Elrond or Gandalf would know. They've dealt with all the others that have turned up so far." Aragorn replied. "Care for us to show you the way to Rivendell?"
"Well, seeing as I haven't the foggiest idea where it is, it /might/ be useful." And my sarcasm refound itself.
And so I headed off in the company of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and Legolas Greenleaf. This was going to be interesting to the least.
"Either of you two want to know about Buddhism?"
((A/n Well, this is another of those stories that once you get it into your head, you've got to get it down on paper. Shameless self-insertion, and I think its fairly like what my own reaction to being sent to Middle-Earth would be like (but my names not Jen :P) Flattery will be swooned over and flames will be used to satisfy my pyro urges :P))