Elronds first reaction to seeing me wasn't promising. He stared at me like
I was some kind of insect.
"Oh Elbereth, not another one." he groaned before adding something in elvish. Now, I had no idea what it was, but to judge by Legolas's reaction, it wasn't nice. So I plunged into my knowledge of elvish and replied.
"Antolle uluma sulrim." I snapped out. Aragorn turned to me, looking startled but amused.
"Do you know what you said there?" he asked.
"It was supposed to be 'Much wind pours from your mouth', but knowing my luck it was 'Dog food, piano, toilet-seat gerbil.'" I replied.
"She has spirit." remarked Elrond.
"Will you bloody well stop talking about me as if I wasn't here!" I shrieked, loosing it again.
Legolas and Aragorn just smirked at the discomfort of everyone else, but I didn't notice that much. I was too busy pacing around the floor muttering things to myself, several words of which were 'flammable', and 'burn'.
"Where did you find her?" Elrond asked my companions. The room was then thrown into some disarray as I attempted to tear Elronds hair out. Eventually Aragorn sat on me while Legolas explained.
"We found her in the woods, looking lost and irritated. But we don't think she's one of /those/ creatures, Sues. She hasn't shown any of the signs."
"You can get off me now Aragorn." I muttered, trying to squirm my way out from underneath 170lbs of Ranger.
"You're not going to try and kill anyone?"
"No."
"Good."
Elrond and Gandalf were now having a whispered conversation in one corner as Aragorn let me stand. Despite my outward appearance (homicidal fury probably), inwardly I was swooning. Aragorn had planted his butt on my chest. Now all I needed was a way for Legolas and Boromir to do the same.
My pleasant fantasising was halted when Aragorn pinched me. By the peeved look on Elronds face, he had asked me a question (and was still peeved about the insult). Since I didn't want an elf-lord pissed off at me, I decided to fall back on a woman's secret weapon. No, I wasn't going to seduce him. Courtesy. I'd had fun with courtesy.
"My sincerest apologies Lord Elrond, but my mind was elsewhere. What was it you desired to know?"
Judging by the expression now on his face, that wasn't the answer he had expected. It looked as though someone had hit him on the head with Gandalf's staff (which was an interesting thought).
"That wasn't what I expected." he said.
"What answer did you expect?" I asked curiously.
"Well, judging by your previous replies, it was something like 'Fuck off Half-Elven.'"
"What was the question."
"Are you a virgin?"
"Fuck off Half-Elven!" I flushed beet red.
"That's better."
"There's no way I'm telling you that!"
"Do you want to get back to your world?"
"Yes."
"Then we need to know."
"Fuck that!"
"Look, if you don't want to say it out loud, just whisper it." Elrond suggested.
"By her reaction she is." one of the random elves muttered.
"You little bastard!" I hissed, grabbing the nearest object to hand (which happened to be Gandalf's staff) and advancing menacingly.
Next thing I knew I was flat on my back with both Legolas and Aragorn sitting on me.
"I'll kill the little bugger!" I hissed, squirming around.
"You've already broken his nose, let it go." said Aragorn, twisting round to look at me.
"I'll kill him!"
"He didn't mean it!"
"The little sod bloody well did!"
Aragorn stared at me for a moment, before he slapped me. Hard. "Finished now?" he asked.
It did the trick. I didn't have the urge to kill the elf anymore, but I would do something nasty. "Finished." I replied.
"Good." and they both rose off me.
"Just Boromir now." I mentally noted, before remembering the question and reluctantly whispering the answer to Gandalf who nodded.
"That sorts out which group you're in. And now, if you'll excuse us we'll find out how to get you home."
"While you two discuss, would you mind if I explored Rivendell. I promise not to try and kill any elves." Maybe just incapacitate them.
Elrond nodded agreement, before he spoke in Elvish. I caught a couple of words I recognised, and guessed the rest. By the way Aragorn and Legolas's faces had taken on the look of poker players who were scared that their opponent was going to rip their throats out if they got another flush, they had been asked to escort me.
"And I guess you two have been asked to escort me. I promise, no more elvishidal moments." Besides, it was starting to sink in that this perhaps wasn't the best way to endear myself to those who were in charge of sending me home. Anyway elves, since they lived for so long, were probably more practised at revenge and sneaky plots than I was.
And so my tour of Rivendell began. It seemed to consist of waterfalls, sun, elves, rooms with not many walls, and elves. It looked quite Japanese, apart from the elves. Aragorn noticed me staring at every elf that went past.
"Elf." I said intelligently.
He nodded reassuringly at me, before mouthing something at Legolas over my shoulder. Though I wasn't good at lip-reading, I think it was "Two hobbits short of the Shire."
And then from an upper window, came a long groan., followed by, "Oh shit." Seems like my swearing was rubbing off. "The fellowship isn't going to like this." The voice was Gandalf's and Elrond could be heard mumbling in the background. I think I could hazard a guess as to what they were speculating about.
Time had moved on, as time does. Our small party had rounded up everyone else in the Fellowship, ready to hear Gandalf's announcement.
Surprisingly, I just sat in a corner being quiet. The hobbits were /so/ mush cuter in life than they had been in the books or the film. So was Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir, but that was beside the point.
And Gimli. I studied one of the most ignored characters carefully. He looked nice. Irritated at so many elves, but nice.
"Oh God, not..." Boromir began, but I interrupted but clapping my hand over his mouth.
"That's going to get irritating." I noted, before snatching my hand back with a yelp. "The sod bit me!" I examined the teeth dents in my hand. "Someone muzzle the bugger."
"Jen, shut up." was the firm command from Elrond. He sounded so much like my English lecturer that I found my legs giving way, sitting cross-legged on the floor, with my hand over my closed mouth. Scary Elrond.
"Gandalf and I have consulted on the way that you will be returned to your own world. But there is a problem."
"But I can still return home?" I asked. Though it was nice, I wasn't cut out for life in Middle Earth.
"Yes. You just have to travel with the fellowship."
"What!" was the shout that was raised from eight throats.
"Its difficult to explain. But she has to travel with you. At some point she will be returned to her own world.
"Oh Elbereth, not another one." he groaned before adding something in elvish. Now, I had no idea what it was, but to judge by Legolas's reaction, it wasn't nice. So I plunged into my knowledge of elvish and replied.
"Antolle uluma sulrim." I snapped out. Aragorn turned to me, looking startled but amused.
"Do you know what you said there?" he asked.
"It was supposed to be 'Much wind pours from your mouth', but knowing my luck it was 'Dog food, piano, toilet-seat gerbil.'" I replied.
"She has spirit." remarked Elrond.
"Will you bloody well stop talking about me as if I wasn't here!" I shrieked, loosing it again.
Legolas and Aragorn just smirked at the discomfort of everyone else, but I didn't notice that much. I was too busy pacing around the floor muttering things to myself, several words of which were 'flammable', and 'burn'.
"Where did you find her?" Elrond asked my companions. The room was then thrown into some disarray as I attempted to tear Elronds hair out. Eventually Aragorn sat on me while Legolas explained.
"We found her in the woods, looking lost and irritated. But we don't think she's one of /those/ creatures, Sues. She hasn't shown any of the signs."
"You can get off me now Aragorn." I muttered, trying to squirm my way out from underneath 170lbs of Ranger.
"You're not going to try and kill anyone?"
"No."
"Good."
Elrond and Gandalf were now having a whispered conversation in one corner as Aragorn let me stand. Despite my outward appearance (homicidal fury probably), inwardly I was swooning. Aragorn had planted his butt on my chest. Now all I needed was a way for Legolas and Boromir to do the same.
My pleasant fantasising was halted when Aragorn pinched me. By the peeved look on Elronds face, he had asked me a question (and was still peeved about the insult). Since I didn't want an elf-lord pissed off at me, I decided to fall back on a woman's secret weapon. No, I wasn't going to seduce him. Courtesy. I'd had fun with courtesy.
"My sincerest apologies Lord Elrond, but my mind was elsewhere. What was it you desired to know?"
Judging by the expression now on his face, that wasn't the answer he had expected. It looked as though someone had hit him on the head with Gandalf's staff (which was an interesting thought).
"That wasn't what I expected." he said.
"What answer did you expect?" I asked curiously.
"Well, judging by your previous replies, it was something like 'Fuck off Half-Elven.'"
"What was the question."
"Are you a virgin?"
"Fuck off Half-Elven!" I flushed beet red.
"That's better."
"There's no way I'm telling you that!"
"Do you want to get back to your world?"
"Yes."
"Then we need to know."
"Fuck that!"
"Look, if you don't want to say it out loud, just whisper it." Elrond suggested.
"By her reaction she is." one of the random elves muttered.
"You little bastard!" I hissed, grabbing the nearest object to hand (which happened to be Gandalf's staff) and advancing menacingly.
Next thing I knew I was flat on my back with both Legolas and Aragorn sitting on me.
"I'll kill the little bugger!" I hissed, squirming around.
"You've already broken his nose, let it go." said Aragorn, twisting round to look at me.
"I'll kill him!"
"He didn't mean it!"
"The little sod bloody well did!"
Aragorn stared at me for a moment, before he slapped me. Hard. "Finished now?" he asked.
It did the trick. I didn't have the urge to kill the elf anymore, but I would do something nasty. "Finished." I replied.
"Good." and they both rose off me.
"Just Boromir now." I mentally noted, before remembering the question and reluctantly whispering the answer to Gandalf who nodded.
"That sorts out which group you're in. And now, if you'll excuse us we'll find out how to get you home."
"While you two discuss, would you mind if I explored Rivendell. I promise not to try and kill any elves." Maybe just incapacitate them.
Elrond nodded agreement, before he spoke in Elvish. I caught a couple of words I recognised, and guessed the rest. By the way Aragorn and Legolas's faces had taken on the look of poker players who were scared that their opponent was going to rip their throats out if they got another flush, they had been asked to escort me.
"And I guess you two have been asked to escort me. I promise, no more elvishidal moments." Besides, it was starting to sink in that this perhaps wasn't the best way to endear myself to those who were in charge of sending me home. Anyway elves, since they lived for so long, were probably more practised at revenge and sneaky plots than I was.
And so my tour of Rivendell began. It seemed to consist of waterfalls, sun, elves, rooms with not many walls, and elves. It looked quite Japanese, apart from the elves. Aragorn noticed me staring at every elf that went past.
"Elf." I said intelligently.
He nodded reassuringly at me, before mouthing something at Legolas over my shoulder. Though I wasn't good at lip-reading, I think it was "Two hobbits short of the Shire."
And then from an upper window, came a long groan., followed by, "Oh shit." Seems like my swearing was rubbing off. "The fellowship isn't going to like this." The voice was Gandalf's and Elrond could be heard mumbling in the background. I think I could hazard a guess as to what they were speculating about.
Time had moved on, as time does. Our small party had rounded up everyone else in the Fellowship, ready to hear Gandalf's announcement.
Surprisingly, I just sat in a corner being quiet. The hobbits were /so/ mush cuter in life than they had been in the books or the film. So was Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir, but that was beside the point.
And Gimli. I studied one of the most ignored characters carefully. He looked nice. Irritated at so many elves, but nice.
"Oh God, not..." Boromir began, but I interrupted but clapping my hand over his mouth.
"That's going to get irritating." I noted, before snatching my hand back with a yelp. "The sod bit me!" I examined the teeth dents in my hand. "Someone muzzle the bugger."
"Jen, shut up." was the firm command from Elrond. He sounded so much like my English lecturer that I found my legs giving way, sitting cross-legged on the floor, with my hand over my closed mouth. Scary Elrond.
"Gandalf and I have consulted on the way that you will be returned to your own world. But there is a problem."
"But I can still return home?" I asked. Though it was nice, I wasn't cut out for life in Middle Earth.
"Yes. You just have to travel with the fellowship."
"What!" was the shout that was raised from eight throats.
"Its difficult to explain. But she has to travel with you. At some point she will be returned to her own world.