Harry Potter's Speaking Disability
Author's note: This is the ennui-induced product of a disordered mind. It contains a mass of intentionally blatant misuse of language. Beware.
Also, Harry Potter and all its characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Not me. I am just doing what is called "thinking beyond the book".
And I apologize for starting the story with dialogue. I know one is not supposed to do that.
"I feel so much empathy for Harry," sighed Hermione Britishly.
"Yes, and I, too, voluptuous Hermione," said Ron.
"Eh?"
"Never mind."
They were sitting by the lake, thinking about their strong-and-silent friend, Harry Potter, and, since they were both so very good with words, they were discussing his lack of strength in that area.
"I think he may have some sort of infantile attention disorder," spake Hermione suddenly.
"Well, yes, for he acts so very bituminous all the time," replied Ron cleverly.
They continued to discuss this in such a manner for an indefinite amount of time.
Then, Cho Chang, the beautiful and heavily made-up school coquette, wobbled over to them. "'Ey, 'ave you seen 'Arry?" she said, carelessly having lost her H's somewhere over by the broom cupboard on the second floor.
"No, demimondaine," said Hermione grandly, "we have not seen him."
"We were just conversing about him, though," said Ron.
"Why, 'ow lovely!" said Cho. She turned and spontaneously jumped in the lake.
"But..." began Hermione, but she was stopped by the sight of Professor Severus Snape, who billowed alarmingly across the lawn towards them.
"Run!" said Ron. He and Hermione also turned and jumped into the lake.
Snape came up to where they had been standing only moments before. Looking puzzled, he went into a heel-clicking rendition of Riverdance, eventually tearing his robes open in the front, a la Michael Flatley.
After he had finished this, he was joined by Voldemort, who was after Harry again.
"Ah, what's new with ye, Voldie?" questioned Snape, in a rustic Irish accent. "Eh, nothin' much, Snapie ol' chum," replied Voldemort in an American accent.
Suddenly, there was a loud fanfare of flutes. Snape and Voldemort turned, and there, standing on the tip of a tall tree, was Dumbledore, with his wand out and ready. Voldemort gasped. Dumbledore heard and, turning towards the twosome, waved pleasantly and shouted a hallo.
Then, he turned to the lake, held his wand in a complicated way, and made a long, graceful dive, straight into the water. Out of the water erupted nineteen merfolk, who were dressed in pink bikinis. They and Dumbledore began a too-beautiful-for-words synchronized swimming routine.
At the end of the performance, Snape and Voldemort clapped and shrieked and cheered for all they were worth. Dumbledore grinned, revealing handsome gold teeth, with the letters "Dumbleman" set into them.
Dumbleman, Snape, and Voldemort began a galloping, slow-motion run, their arms open, reaching for each other... and they linked arms and began a song.
Dumbleman: "So I won that diving contest,"
Snape: "And I excelled in dance."
Voldie: "While I sat nearby... gave moral support."
All: "And all because of Harry Potter's speaking disorder-- O, what a dream! What a chance!"
The End
Author's note: This is the ennui-induced product of a disordered mind. It contains a mass of intentionally blatant misuse of language. Beware.
Also, Harry Potter and all its characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Not me. I am just doing what is called "thinking beyond the book".
And I apologize for starting the story with dialogue. I know one is not supposed to do that.
"I feel so much empathy for Harry," sighed Hermione Britishly.
"Yes, and I, too, voluptuous Hermione," said Ron.
"Eh?"
"Never mind."
They were sitting by the lake, thinking about their strong-and-silent friend, Harry Potter, and, since they were both so very good with words, they were discussing his lack of strength in that area.
"I think he may have some sort of infantile attention disorder," spake Hermione suddenly.
"Well, yes, for he acts so very bituminous all the time," replied Ron cleverly.
They continued to discuss this in such a manner for an indefinite amount of time.
Then, Cho Chang, the beautiful and heavily made-up school coquette, wobbled over to them. "'Ey, 'ave you seen 'Arry?" she said, carelessly having lost her H's somewhere over by the broom cupboard on the second floor.
"No, demimondaine," said Hermione grandly, "we have not seen him."
"We were just conversing about him, though," said Ron.
"Why, 'ow lovely!" said Cho. She turned and spontaneously jumped in the lake.
"But..." began Hermione, but she was stopped by the sight of Professor Severus Snape, who billowed alarmingly across the lawn towards them.
"Run!" said Ron. He and Hermione also turned and jumped into the lake.
Snape came up to where they had been standing only moments before. Looking puzzled, he went into a heel-clicking rendition of Riverdance, eventually tearing his robes open in the front, a la Michael Flatley.
After he had finished this, he was joined by Voldemort, who was after Harry again.
"Ah, what's new with ye, Voldie?" questioned Snape, in a rustic Irish accent. "Eh, nothin' much, Snapie ol' chum," replied Voldemort in an American accent.
Suddenly, there was a loud fanfare of flutes. Snape and Voldemort turned, and there, standing on the tip of a tall tree, was Dumbledore, with his wand out and ready. Voldemort gasped. Dumbledore heard and, turning towards the twosome, waved pleasantly and shouted a hallo.
Then, he turned to the lake, held his wand in a complicated way, and made a long, graceful dive, straight into the water. Out of the water erupted nineteen merfolk, who were dressed in pink bikinis. They and Dumbledore began a too-beautiful-for-words synchronized swimming routine.
At the end of the performance, Snape and Voldemort clapped and shrieked and cheered for all they were worth. Dumbledore grinned, revealing handsome gold teeth, with the letters "Dumbleman" set into them.
Dumbleman, Snape, and Voldemort began a galloping, slow-motion run, their arms open, reaching for each other... and they linked arms and began a song.
Dumbleman: "So I won that diving contest,"
Snape: "And I excelled in dance."
Voldie: "While I sat nearby... gave moral support."
All: "And all because of Harry Potter's speaking disorder-- O, what a dream! What a chance!"
The End