A/N: Another 'I don't think I like it' chapter. Oh well..
Chapter 9
He looked at me for a long time, saying nothing. I was growing impatient. So I spoke, "Harm, look I'm sorry about reading your journal. I thought you were dying-I don't know, but I had to read it, well I wanted to. Wouldn't you have done the same thing?"
"Mac, I completely understand the journal part. You deserved to know what was in there, and yes I probably would've done the same thing in your position. You're going to have to explain some more though, who is Renée? Why would I be so concerned about her?"
"Would you like me to read you the journal entry? It would explain some of it."
"Yes, in fact you may end up reading most if not all of it, I've forgotten a lot."
"Yet, nothing concerning me?"
"Mac, do you need me to spell it out?"
"Yes."
"I LOVE you Sarah, I have since the first day we met. It had nothing to do with Diane. In fact, I've never loved someone as much as you, it's scary as hell to think I might mess up."
"I love you too Harm, but we need to get through this together."
"Point taken. Now read the journal before I get nervous and won't let you."
"Where do I begin?"
"The entry you said you read."
I began,
May 20, 2001 I woke up this morning and looked at myself in the mirror, and was disgusted with me in general. Renée told me yesterday - well last night, after Mac's engagement party. That "You don't love me anymore Harm, or perhaps. you never did." As if she were daring me to deny it. I didn't. I was going to, but the words just stuck in my throat, I couldn't say them. Then, she walked off to her car.
The little voice in my head reiterates what she said like a broken record as I drive home. I know why I couldn't say it. It's true, I DON'T love Renée, I never did. She was just a distraction, but I don't have the heart or, perhaps the courage, to tell her the truth. So, what is she the distraction from??? Simple. The woman who I really love. The only one I can love. The one who completes me. The only one I want my dress whites to work on. The only one who can make me dizzy and whip my six a dozen times a day. The one who keeps me on the ground. The one who scares the hell out of me. The one who'll do anything for me. The woman I kissed last night. That's right. She's my best friend. Her name? Sarah. Lieutenant Colonel Sarah Catherine MacKenzie, soon-to-be-Brumby. Yep, right again, the woman I love is getting married to my arch-enemy, because I didn't get my sorry head out of my sorry six in time.
I kissed her last night, I can tell you right now, that sure wasn't a goodbye kiss. I've never kissed a woman like that before. Sure, so maybe you don't believe me. It's true though, on my word of honor. Mac's given me so many chances to tell her I love her but I've been too scared to tell her. Yeah, right, a Naval Commander is scared to death of a Marine Lieutenant Colonel. She's the first and last Marine I've ever been scared of. That's part of the reason I love her so much. Did she understand that wasn't a goodbye kiss? Probably not. Not anymore than the last time we kissed in Norfolk, she thought I was kissing Diane. She was wrong. It was her, it's always been her since I met her on day one. Not Diane, not Annie, not Jordan, not Renée, just her, and only her. The question is, what does she feel about this??? She probably hates me, and rightfully so. All I've ever done is fail her. Well, if she wants to marry Brumby. If she'll be happy with him, I'll have to be content. That's what love is. "Letting go." The only problem is, it's so terribly painful. I thought nothing could hurt more than losing my father. It can, this can, and a hundred times worse.
DAMN! Now, I'm late for work! Admiral's gonna kill me. Oh well, I already feel like I'm dead. I'm shipping out to the Patrick Henry for my quals. See you after they're done..."
I looked up nervously. Although I hadn't read anything other than this, the entry I read was probably the most emotional and open of all of them.
"I remember feeling very-how do you say it? Well, dispirited doesn't seem deep enough. That entry, I meant every last word. I know that much. I vaguely remember feeling extremely depressed when I wrote this, and when I shipped out. It was like my heart got ripped out and run over by a car. There isn't a word in this language to describe it. It just hurt too much. I- if I'd brought this journal on board, I wouldn't be surprised to find out if one of the entries I wrote was suicidal. Perhaps that's what I was thinking after Hawks punched out." He seemed almost lost, and his little revelation about being possibly suicidal was certainly an eye-opener. I never thought of Harm that way before. He never seemed to be that type. *Think about it girl, is it really that surprising? He lost his father, he felt his mother betrayed him, he lost Diane, he lost his wings, and now he thought he was losing me. What else was left to live for? To see the woman he loved married to his arch-enemy?*
"Harm, do you think you might need counseling?"
"I certainly DO NOT NEED a shrink!" he said as loudly as possible. I cringed a little. He usually didn't yell at me like that, and it was surprising he could still do so after his near scrape with death. "I'm sorry Mac, it's just I hate shrinks. They were always telling me to 'accept your father's death, learn to like your step-father. He's really a nice man you know.' They told me virtually the same thing after my crash. I hate them."
"Did you hate Jordan?"
"I hated her job. I wasn't that wild about her either. Tell me about this Renée though."
What can I say that's nice about the video princess....
Chapter 9
He looked at me for a long time, saying nothing. I was growing impatient. So I spoke, "Harm, look I'm sorry about reading your journal. I thought you were dying-I don't know, but I had to read it, well I wanted to. Wouldn't you have done the same thing?"
"Mac, I completely understand the journal part. You deserved to know what was in there, and yes I probably would've done the same thing in your position. You're going to have to explain some more though, who is Renée? Why would I be so concerned about her?"
"Would you like me to read you the journal entry? It would explain some of it."
"Yes, in fact you may end up reading most if not all of it, I've forgotten a lot."
"Yet, nothing concerning me?"
"Mac, do you need me to spell it out?"
"Yes."
"I LOVE you Sarah, I have since the first day we met. It had nothing to do with Diane. In fact, I've never loved someone as much as you, it's scary as hell to think I might mess up."
"I love you too Harm, but we need to get through this together."
"Point taken. Now read the journal before I get nervous and won't let you."
"Where do I begin?"
"The entry you said you read."
I began,
May 20, 2001 I woke up this morning and looked at myself in the mirror, and was disgusted with me in general. Renée told me yesterday - well last night, after Mac's engagement party. That "You don't love me anymore Harm, or perhaps. you never did." As if she were daring me to deny it. I didn't. I was going to, but the words just stuck in my throat, I couldn't say them. Then, she walked off to her car.
The little voice in my head reiterates what she said like a broken record as I drive home. I know why I couldn't say it. It's true, I DON'T love Renée, I never did. She was just a distraction, but I don't have the heart or, perhaps the courage, to tell her the truth. So, what is she the distraction from??? Simple. The woman who I really love. The only one I can love. The one who completes me. The only one I want my dress whites to work on. The only one who can make me dizzy and whip my six a dozen times a day. The one who keeps me on the ground. The one who scares the hell out of me. The one who'll do anything for me. The woman I kissed last night. That's right. She's my best friend. Her name? Sarah. Lieutenant Colonel Sarah Catherine MacKenzie, soon-to-be-Brumby. Yep, right again, the woman I love is getting married to my arch-enemy, because I didn't get my sorry head out of my sorry six in time.
I kissed her last night, I can tell you right now, that sure wasn't a goodbye kiss. I've never kissed a woman like that before. Sure, so maybe you don't believe me. It's true though, on my word of honor. Mac's given me so many chances to tell her I love her but I've been too scared to tell her. Yeah, right, a Naval Commander is scared to death of a Marine Lieutenant Colonel. She's the first and last Marine I've ever been scared of. That's part of the reason I love her so much. Did she understand that wasn't a goodbye kiss? Probably not. Not anymore than the last time we kissed in Norfolk, she thought I was kissing Diane. She was wrong. It was her, it's always been her since I met her on day one. Not Diane, not Annie, not Jordan, not Renée, just her, and only her. The question is, what does she feel about this??? She probably hates me, and rightfully so. All I've ever done is fail her. Well, if she wants to marry Brumby. If she'll be happy with him, I'll have to be content. That's what love is. "Letting go." The only problem is, it's so terribly painful. I thought nothing could hurt more than losing my father. It can, this can, and a hundred times worse.
DAMN! Now, I'm late for work! Admiral's gonna kill me. Oh well, I already feel like I'm dead. I'm shipping out to the Patrick Henry for my quals. See you after they're done..."
I looked up nervously. Although I hadn't read anything other than this, the entry I read was probably the most emotional and open of all of them.
"I remember feeling very-how do you say it? Well, dispirited doesn't seem deep enough. That entry, I meant every last word. I know that much. I vaguely remember feeling extremely depressed when I wrote this, and when I shipped out. It was like my heart got ripped out and run over by a car. There isn't a word in this language to describe it. It just hurt too much. I- if I'd brought this journal on board, I wouldn't be surprised to find out if one of the entries I wrote was suicidal. Perhaps that's what I was thinking after Hawks punched out." He seemed almost lost, and his little revelation about being possibly suicidal was certainly an eye-opener. I never thought of Harm that way before. He never seemed to be that type. *Think about it girl, is it really that surprising? He lost his father, he felt his mother betrayed him, he lost Diane, he lost his wings, and now he thought he was losing me. What else was left to live for? To see the woman he loved married to his arch-enemy?*
"Harm, do you think you might need counseling?"
"I certainly DO NOT NEED a shrink!" he said as loudly as possible. I cringed a little. He usually didn't yell at me like that, and it was surprising he could still do so after his near scrape with death. "I'm sorry Mac, it's just I hate shrinks. They were always telling me to 'accept your father's death, learn to like your step-father. He's really a nice man you know.' They told me virtually the same thing after my crash. I hate them."
"Did you hate Jordan?"
"I hated her job. I wasn't that wild about her either. Tell me about this Renée though."
What can I say that's nice about the video princess....