It Could Be Worse (3rd Season)

Episode 2: Family

By Sulia Serafine

[A Protector of the Small fanfic set in an alternate universe; all credit goes to Tamora Pierce. I'm broke, so you can't sue me. Any other copyrighted things that don't belong to me in here in fact belong to other very businesslike people. Could you believe that? I guess that's why I'm broke.

BAD LANGUAGE (I. E. cursing, swearing…)! E-mail me at silverwlng@aol.com okay? And you know the drill: titles or subjects of emails are fanfiction.net, s.serafine, or icbw.

IMPORTANT NOTE: I'm still accepting people into the mailing list. That means you'll be told when the next episode is posted, as well as other tidbits of information about the series whenever I put them online. ALSO: Every now and then, as a pledge, I'll send everyone bonus material, such as drawings of ICBW characters and little random facts about ICBW.

Rating of this episode: Let's say… PG-13 for mild cursing.

~~

Keladry enjoyed a wonderful night's sleep and an even better morning. She woke up, noting how her feet still ached from wearing heeled shoes at the wedding. Kel stretched her toes and slowly walked into her living room with her pajamas still on. The air in the apartment was chilly. She hugged her arms around herself.

"I wonder if I have any cereal left," she said aloud. She opened her cabinet and scoured the shelves for something pleasing. When next she turned around with a box of grain cereal in hand, she spotted her answering machine. The light was blinking.

She poured herself a bowl of cereal, retrieved a spoon, and stood at the counter. With a casual tap, she let the messages play. Whatever it was, she hoped it wouldn't be too important. A nice, uneventful morning was just what she had in mind.

Her hope would never come to be. As her sister's voice reached her ears and started to relate the horrible disaster that had descended upon her family, Keladry dropped her spoon and stared at the small machine on her kitchen counter.

"… Their plane went down…"

She shut her eyes tightly and pretended she had heard something else.

"… haven't gotten word…"

It was useless. Keladry opened her eyes and glared at the answering machine.

"… Please talk to me soon."

Keladry couldn't believe her ears. Actually, she wouldn't. How was it possible? What divine forces had allowed this to happen? She knew it was unhealthy to deny bad events from having happened, but the truth was more than heartbreaking. It was devastating.

She sat down on her couch. Tears were not springing to her eyes as she expected a normal person's reaction would be. Maybe this is what the professionals called 'shock'. Keladry decided she hated being in shock. Even more, she hated her natural inability to express her sadness in this time of crisis. Her fists clenched and unclenched in her lap.

"What…. What do I do now?"

Keladry held her head in her hands. She could do nothing else. Her sister would want her to call. The phone seemed so far away. The strength to get up had left her. So, she was forced to sit there like a lump on a log. Misery had found its new home.

Minutes later, she heard a click to indicate her door had unlocked. Keladry didn't look up. Whoever it was and whatever they had to say could not be nearly as important as her family's tragedy. She was almost angry that someone would dare interrupt her quiet grieving.

When her visitor wasn't greeted with a witty remark, nor acknowledged at all by the woman seated on the couch, he knew something was wrong. Joren moved to her side quickly and suspiciously. Deep in his mind, he feared that they had come back. Were the skeletons in his closet being brought out again by the return of Enishi Yukishiro and Liam Irons?

Joren sat hesitantly beside her. Since she still ignored him, he set his fears to rest. Surely, she would have told him. They were more his problem than they were hers. His hand reached to touch her, but stopped a little short of her skin. It was as if she had erected an invisible variable that spoke 'do not touch me'. He couldn't ignore that. Joren resigned himself to sitting patiently beside her.

When she finally looked up, she was surprised to find how little relief his presence brought her. Keladry wished he didn't have to see her like this. Not only was it embarrassing, it wasn't his problem. Gods knew he had enough problems of his own.

"Joren."

Interpreting it as permission to speak, he asked, "What happened?"

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "My brothers…. Their plane went down in the East Yamani Mountains. They're missing."

Having never had brothers he couldn't imagine the bond, if any, she had with them. But he had lost his parents, his whole world, at a young age. If anyone knew about loss, it was Joren. Keladry did not wish to show her weakness, but he wouldn't rub this in her face. They finally had something serious and real in common.

Not that it was anything to be proud of.

"Do you want me to stay?" he asked carefully.

She looked uncertain.

"Let me rephrase that. If I go, is there a chance you'll do something incredibly stupid?"

Keladry shook her head. She wasn't that type of person. She straightened her back and sat up. "I just… I don't know. It still hasn't sunk in yet. It doesn't seem real." At once, it struck her how ridiculous or horrible this might sound to Joren, whose loss was a billion times greater than hers. "You don't have to stay."

"No, that's not going to help anything," he said. "You're not like me. You need to talk about it."

It wasn't an insulting remark. It wasn't meant to be anything at all to offend her, just an insightful observation. The truth, simply said without bias or hurtful intention. He understood what she suffered, only because he had suffered far worse.

She honestly didn't know where to start. What could she say about her brothers? She'd just about divorced herself from her family in order to focus on her career. The last time she even remembered seeing Conal and Inness was when she came home to see brother Anders' newborn son two years ago. How could she pull together scant memories from her childhood when she hadn't really let herself have a childhood in the first place?

"Do you think they're alive?" Keladry asked Joren.

He frowned. "I'm no expert on survival statistics in the East Yamani Mountains." Seeing her crestfallen response, he added, "But it isn't impossible for them to be alive. If you have a good search team, it's quite possible."

The chances of the foreign Mithran ambassadors willing to send out a search and rescue team at the expense of the country where they were guests was not too great. But the DJPF was in charge of Mithran situations like this. Maybe Keladry could pull rank to assert some influence over the situation.

"I'd search," she said. "I'd do what I have to so they could be found."

Joren didn't want to say anything. He knew the feeling of helplessness that came with loss. As a boy, he had promised himself that he would become strong and learn to defend himself so he could take revenge upon the scum of the world who had killed his parents. Instead, all it had made him was a cold, lonely man.

His natural pessimism told him that a search would be very futile at this point, but she would undoubtedly refuse to listen to reason. He had refused to listen to reason back then as well. This being the case, he merely sat and waited for her to say more.

"I don't know Inness well," she confessed. The corners of her mouth lifted into a small smile. "He was an ambitious student to my parents—we were all home schooled. When he got into the local university, he made it his career. A researcher for the archaeologists living there. A teacher's aide a couple years short from earning his degree. Ambitious…" Her gaze flickered over to him. "My sister Adie said that I remind her of him. Except, I turned my ambition in a different direction that alienated me from everyone. At least Inness came home often."

"Doesn't seem so bad," Joren replied. Compared to me, anyway. "What about your other brother?"

"Conal?" She chuckled briefly. "There's a lot to sort through with him. He's what you might call the black sheep of the family. Doesn't go to college, fiercely stubborn about earning money on his own and paying for his night school classes by himself." She sighed deeply. "When we were younger, he would play pranks on Adie, Oranie, and me. But he always left my other brothers alone and he never went near my other siblings—the twins were too little anyway, and Tavin was still clutching Mom's skirt."

Joren let out a low whistle. "That's you and your sisters…. Then your older brothers… Nine kids?  Your parents had a thing about having lots of kids, hmm?"

She blushed slightly. "I guess."

With such a large family, one child gone astray wasn't the center of attention. Her parents tried. And they mostly did an excellent job showering all their children equally with their love. But the older ones had grown up and were expected to become responsible young adults, not as needy for attention from Mother and Father as they used to be. Keladry had never craved attention. Her sisters had, of course. They begged and pleaded for permission to get part time jobs so they had money to buy their trendy clothing. And her brothers, when united and not fighting, would mostly pool money together to maintain a car they shared.

She was drawn out of her daydreaming when Joren stood up. "What is it?"

He patted her shoulder. It was a forced gesture, not as intimate and comfortable as normal. "You should call your family now. Perhaps arrange a trip home."

"Irontown…" she whispered.

His expression faltered. "Irontown? I thought you were from Tortall."

"Oh, no. I just went to the Academy there. I'm from up North, in Irontown."

The newly revealed information aroused an indiscernible reaction from him; she couldn't guess his mind. He nodded to her and moved toward the door. "Go make your call. I'll come back later."

Joren was unsure of what else he needed to say. He knew he hadn't comforted her as much as others would have, but it felt so clichéd to do so, even if it made him appear unsympathetic. She knew how he felt, didn't she? Keladry was extremely tough in that respect. She wasn't dependent on him, and he'd rather her not be.

Out in the hall, Neal was exited Dom's apartment. He saw Joren and was at first inclined to ignore him. This became impossible since he, too, was also headed toward the elevator. Old habits died hard. He was expecting a wisecrack from his fellow officer at any moment.

"You'd better visit her later, maybe with Kennan. She's going to need friends to cheer her up," he told Neal flatly, surprising the older man.

It was difficult to become accustomed to Joren's more agreeable moods. Before he became too wrapped up in the thought of it, he recalled the words. Cheer her up? Neal blinked. "Wait, why? Why does she need cheering up?"

After Joren quickly told him, Neal's distress was magnified by the news. He also knew the probability of the search team's success. Gods, Neal even knew the chances of a search team being sent at all. By the time one even arrived in the mountains, it would be far too late for survivors. False hope wasn't healthy for her, but both men believed that Keladry needed it to calm her nerves.

For once, Neal and Joren had something in common. Concern.

"I've being considering something. I'll keep you informed, Queenscove."

"Why me? You hate me."

"You're her best friend, aren't you?"

Neal stared intently at him. "What exactly are you to her, anyway? It's strange seeing you two these days."

"I don't know what we are. Sometimes, it's so clear…" he trailed off. He didn't need to say anymore. Words were redundant when coupled with his disquieted expression. Neal placed his large hand on the other's slumped shoulder.

"I, um, think it's good. Not just for her, but for you, too. Really good, you know?" Afterwards, he retracted his hand as if it had grazed hot coals. They walked the rest of the way to the elevator in silence, not even meeting each other's gaze. They'd never been close in the first place and the one person they had in common was not there to mediate, even if she were able to do so.

Meanwhile, the shock was starting to wear off. She envisioned her brothers, trying to piece together memories. Her recollection of them was in shattered fragments as numerous as the stars. They existed here and there, little moments in time like fireflies buzzing around her head in the humid dusk of summer.

One summer had been spent basking under an unusually hot sun. Her brother Anders had driven them to a cool lake just outside of Irontown, surrounded by logs and tall reeds. Adalia and Oranie had run straight to the water. She could see the sweat spots forming on the back of their tank shirts. Keladry, then ten years old, had not wanted to go at all. She had already been convinced of her lifelong goal by this age. Her summer had been scrupulously planned out to the point of doing homework by the open windows and the electric fans.

Her older siblings had dragged her there, almost literally. She had watched her sisters while Conal had snuck up on her. With the help of Anders, he had tossed her into the lake while Inness sat on the edge, observing the scene with a kind and distant smile. She could still remember looking up at them. Anger then, remorse later.

Brotherly pranks weren't so bad, she decided. The boys had paid attention to her, which was far better than being ignored. Maybe it would have been better to play with them. She wouldn't be in Tusaine. She wouldn't even be DJPF if she had something else occupying her childhood.

Maybe she would have had an influence on her brothers' lives. She and Inness could have become colleagues at the local university. She might have persuaded Conal to a different career path. There were too many possibilities to let the mind rest peacefully. It did no good to imagine what could have been. But there was really nothing else she could do.

She reluctantly approached her COMscreen and decided to go through with what she really didn't want to do. Perhaps her shock would wear off completely and Keladry would suddenly break out into tears over her brothers' disappearance. Perhaps seeing Oranie or anyone else in her family in an upset state would drive her straight over the edge.

"Just dial the damn number," she hissed to herself through clenched teeth.

Her fingers itched to end the call as soon as she heard the phone ringing, waiting for someone to answer. The last time she had heard a family member's voice in real time conversation had been Conal. It had been a rare occasion to see him actually sing Happy Birthday to her. He was never much for sentimentality and neither was she.

Someone on the other end picked up. She came face to face with Tavin, the next oldest of the siblings in the family. She supposed he was fourteen years old, compared with her twenty-one. Her parents had started a family early, with hardly any intentions to stop.

"Tavin, is Mom or Dad there?" she asked. She felt sorry that she never talked to her younger siblings, but now was not the time to make up for it.

Her younger brother nodded. "Yeah, hold on."

He yelled down the hall in a rather undignified manner for her parents. She would never have done that, and she knew that she wasn't around to teach her teenage brother proper manners. What was the use of thinking about it? She pursed her lips tightly.

"How have you been?" she inquired, using a voice that Keladry tended to use with those younger than her.

"I don't know," he shrugged indifferently. Perhaps the boy had decided to mask his own worry and pain with the same mask that Keladry had worn all these years. She wanted to tell him to act differently, but Keladry couldn't form the words. Tavin glanced to the side. "Here's Mom."

Their mother now appeared onscreen while Tavin retreated. Keladry wished she could have talked to him more, but now focused on the woman who had borne her. Ilane Mindelan was in her forties, but still as radiant as ever. Her light brown hair was graying at the roots. One would never guess that she had still three more children to put through grade school with several firmly rooted to college or job already. The youngest two were eight while their eldest sibling had a son their age.

"Hi, Mom," Keladry squeaked. Now her voice diminished so as to reaffirm the parent-child relationship. It wasn't intentional. Whenever one of her parents was around, she felt like she didn't have to do anything. They would always take care of her.

Ilane nodded. "I take it you got your sister's message."

Her face was tight with restrained emotions. She had been Keladry's private model for self-control and enduring strength. The woman had reared six children already with three more to go. She couldn't be anything else in that situation, or else she would have fallen apart.

"What's going on? Has anyone…"

"We're hiring private DJPF agents to investigate, through the University's authority. They're having problems finding officers willing to go, however. Seems all your adventurous colleagues are at the Roof of the World."

"Mom, I'll go! I'll tell them—"

"You're not going, Sweetie," her mother announced firmly. "You're staying put. I couldn't stand it if another one of my babies…" she couldn't finish, trying to compose herself. Her subconscious knew that Kel had always looked up to her as a rock of strength while growing up. She wouldn't let herself lose hope and face yet. Not until the truth was confirmed.

"I'll come home as soon as I can," Keladry promised. "Captain Flyn will have to let me come home. I can help out there!"

Ilane sighed deeply. "There's not much you can do. It's best that you should try to keep your regular routine so you won't have the spare time to let your idleness become crippling grief."

The words stung Keladry. As wise and well meaning as they were, she could not accept the proposition. "I need to be there. Where the rest of you are!"

Her mother relented. "If you must."

"I'll be home soon. Don't worry about it." She paused. "Tell everyone I said hi."

I should have said, 'Tell them I love them.'

"I will, Sweetie. See you soon."

"Bye, Mom."

After the call, Keladry lied down on her couch. The carpet was suddenly all she could bare to look at. She almost thought to force her tears to come, but she couldn't. What kind of sister was she? She hated herself. It was an awful self-resentment that festered in her gut, like a parasitic worm that knew no mercy.

She fell asleep eventually, though she had had it in her mind to approach Flyn that very day to ask for time off. The attractive oblivion of sleep without dreams nursed her slowly, but the dull ache remained. Hours after she had begun her retreat into emptiness, still not a tear had been shed.

Toward sunset, Keladry felt herself being lifted up as if she weighed nothing at all. At first, she resisted, stretching rather than curling into herself. Cool lips pressed gently to her warm forehead, whispering nonsensical nothings so as to calm her. Keladry let go of her body after that, limp as a rag. Whatever happened next, she would not fight it. There was warmth and protection here that she wouldn't find anywhere else.

Her body touched down on the smooth cotton sheets of her bed. She gratefully pressed against her bearer, pulling him down with her and refusing to let go. There was a tension in his arms, as if he didn't want to stay, but also didn't wish to awaken her. The mattress sank beside her where he also reclined, allowing her to bury her face in the warmth of his neck and shoulder. It smelled of leather and fresh air, like a wild ride through the mountain foothills at exciting speeds that birds in flight could never match.

If she could fly that fast, she would leave the rest of the world behind and never touch ground again.

Neal followed Joren and Keladry into the bedroom, just wanting to be as sure as Joren that their dear girl was taken care of. When he saw that she clung to him and refused to separate, he was careful not to laugh. He grinned instead, shrugging at Joren's glare.

"I'll go and get my things together. If you want, I can ask Dom to do yours."

Joren wasn't sure if that was too good an idea. He didn't want people going through his things, but both he and Neal would be pressed for time now. Time was their enemy; it was their ugly reminder of the probability of things. Probability and possibility be damned, they were going, come hell or high water.

"Tell him not to pry into things he knows he shouldn't be touching," he warned Neal.

"I take it that's a yes?" When he received another piercing look, he began backing out of the bedroom. "See you in the morning, then."

Sometime during the night, Keladry awoke. She blinked, adjusting her eyes to the darkness. How long had she slept? It must have been far more than usual, because her digital clock showed that it was past midnight. Then, she realized that she was not alone.

The person underneath her head stirred, the chest rumbling with some half-groan. She lifted her head and peered at the man's face. Recognizing it as Joren's, she relaxed and assumed that he must have carried her here from the living room and tucked her in, though he most likely did not mean to sleep there as well.

"Oh, you're up. You slept for a long time." His voice was dry and she knew he must have wanted a drink of water.

"Sorry I woke you up. I always seem to do that."

He stroked her head and shrugged. "I'm getting used to it." He twisted around so he could see the clock as well. "I really have to get going. Some things that I need to take care of…"

Keladry shook her head slightly. "It's one AM. What could you possibly need to do in the middle of the night?"

He eased her off of him and onto the pillows while he sat up in wrinkled day clothes. His hands groped for the shoes kicked under the bed. "I just have things to do that I need for the morning."

It wasn't an answer, but it was definitely a signal to let alone the excuse. Keladry watched as he put on his shoes. She noticed that he had worn good quality black slacks, like the kind Liam used to wear with polo shirts to casual business luncheons. In fact, his plain white shirt was a long sleeved button down with a high collar. Her sight could barely make out the sharp lined creases running down the arms and the pants legs to indicate that he had even ironed them prior to coming here.

"Where did you go? Why were you all dressed up?"

"Just somewhere. Nothing special," he replied, still avoiding a satisfactory answer. He stood up and leaned over her, kissing her full on the lips. When they parted, he smiled at her. "I wanted to tell you earlier, but you were asleep. The point is that I have to leave town for a while. I just got a case that's a bit out of jurisdiction, but Buri pulled some strings. I figured you would be going home for a while anyway, so Queenscove is coming with me instead."

She snorted. "You and Neal? Was this your idea or Flyn's?"

"Queenscove… um, Neal and I decided. He wants the case. We really don't want Kennan or anyone else taking up the case with us, so could you keep it quiet?"

Keladry got up on her elbows, arching her back a bit painfully in the process. "Why is that?"

"The case isn't too much fun—a lot of grunt third class work. You know it'd drive Kennan crazy not being able to get his target practice." He raised one eyebrow skeptically. "Now must we really play twenty questions, Mother, or may I go now?"

Her hand reached up and tugged him down for another kiss. She breathed in his scent again, committing it to memory. "If I knew you were leaving for a while, I would have stayed awake."

"You're leaving, too, aren't you? For Irontown?"

"Yeah," she admitted. With another quick peck on the lips, she released him. "Go on, get out of here, then. Email me whenever you get there. I can check my mail from Irontown if I go to the University's terminals."

He nodded. With a last brief salute, he departed from sight. Keladry sighed, slumping back down on the pillows, thinking to herself how life was never really going to be the same. It was an insignificant change. Joren would be back. She would be back. But it was the first time they would have parted ways for a long time, and she didn't know how it would feel—how it was supposed to feel.

"Now I know I'm a bad sister when all I can think about is the man in my life rather than Inness or Conal." She groaned and rolled onto her back. Her fingers brushed her bangs out of her eyes. What a long way she had come! But there was yet much road still ahead of her. Footsteps yet to be made. A full life yet to be lived.

Sounds like a challenge.

She eased herself out of bed and set her mind to packing her suitcase.

~~

In the morning, she hitched a ride with Qasim and Prosper to the station. Cleon and a few other Riders had already taken the squad car there, and Keladry was in no mood to feel the chilly morning air on the back of a motorcycle. As she could already tell, Joren and Neal were gone. Neither answered the door when she came to see them off. Rather than cry over spilled milk, she readily dismissed her disappointment and focused on the day before her.

"I hope Seaver remembered to get those files ready for me before he shut himself up in the lab," Prosper muttered.

"Have you got a case?" she asked.

"Yeah, but it's a no-brainer. More forensics than anything, and only because Raoul felt like butting in on Buri's turf."

Qasim smirked. "That's Boss, for you. Butting in on other people's turf is his favorite thing to do."

They all laughed. It was true.

Keladry relaxed more and more as they went along. When they arrived, she bid the Riders goodbye and headed up to her superior's office. He wasn't busy at all; no huge problems had dropped into his lap for weeks. The secretary winked at her jovially as she buzzed Keladry in.

"Hi, Sir."

"Keladry, yes? What can I do for you?" he asked, blowing softly over his steaming mug of coffee. A tiny carton of cream and a couple of sugar packets were the only things on his desk.

"Flyn, Sir, I've come to request some time off. There's been an accident in the family, and I need to help out. Take charge of the situation, you see." She fidgeted.

He nodded. "No problem. Go file your request and I'll have it approved as soon as it reaches me. I'd take the rest of the day off and pack. The approval should be done before lunch." He paused. "How much time do you intend to take? You can take however much time you need. Nothing big is happening around here, as I'm sure you already know."

"Thank you, Sir."

"As I've said, no problem."

Keladry hesitated to leave. "Sir?"

He sipped from his mug. "Yes?"

"I was wondering if it was in your power to check on the DJPF district for Irontown, up north. I think it is District K3."

"Yes, I can. What do you want me to check for?" he asked, already bringing up the network onto the screen of his desktop computer. He waited patiently for her to respond. The light from the screen reflected in his eyes, making them bright.

She cleared her throat. "I was wondering if the DJPF there has found anyone to go on the search and rescue mission for the University."

Flyndon didn't touch his keyboard. He looked up at her, frowning. "I thought you knew."

Her lifetime experienced allowed her to avoid showing her panic. "Oh?"

"Well," the captain began, "they received confirmation for two DJPF volunteers and a randomly selected civilian crew to fly at top speed for the East Yamani mountain range. In fact, I know this because the volunteers are two of our own guys."

She dreaded the answer. "And those are?"

"Joren and Neal. They left before sunrise this morning. Most of the expedition is funded by the University in K3, so I'm pretty sure they'll get there without wasting too much time." He scratched his head. "I thought they would have told you, since you are close to them. I guess they didn't want you to worry."

Keladry nodded slowly. I can't believe they did this without telling me! Her head reeled as if someone had sucker-punched her. She hid her shock and bowed to the captain. "Thank you, Sir. I'll submit my request and take the day off, like you said."

"I hope your time at home is without tragedy, Kel. Take it easy," he smiled and waved.

She returned his smile half-heartedly and exited. She had to get out of there as soon as possible. Her mind was a complete mess, now. The thought of two of the most important men in her life out in the freezing snow of the Yamani mountains, along with the two brothers she never got to know well enough… it was like someone out there was punishing her. But what had she done?

Everything will turn out fine. She clenched her fists. I refuse to let it turn out any other way.

~~

Author's note: Hey, everyone! Hope you enjoyed it! Tell me what you think, via review or email. You know the drill. I know you're thinking, "Keladry didn't have any other brothers or sisters!" Well, you're right. She didn't. The extra three were made at my discretion, just to get the feeling of a rather huge family and Keladry's unwillingness to be apart of it. I'm sure you're missing the comedy usually provided by our resident funny men, Cleon and Faleron, but patience is a virtue! They're not that easy to get rid of. Trust me, I've tried.

Thanks again for reading! Any questions, comments, or whatever, my email is listed at top!