Yes, to stave off boredom - and because Pirates of the Caribbean is one of
the fabbiest films in the WORLD - I've written this story. It's bizarre,
it's random, I hope it's funny - yup, it's like me in every way. Next
chapter you will have the chance to be IN the story, but I hope you enjoy
this one, which sort of sets the scene... Enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean or any of the characters. Believe me, if I owned Will Turner, you'd know about it...
* * * * *
The Search for the Big Pink Pretty albeit Cursed Diamond
Chapter 1 - When Fiancées get demanding
The sun rose over Port Royale. Birds were tweeting, pirates were pirating, and lobsters were - doing whatever lobsters do. Lobstering? Anyway, Will was dreaming of a night spent in Tortuga (which Will had discovered lived up to its motto 'Where you can spend a caveful of treasure in one night') when a shriek woke him up.
"WILL!!!!!!!!" came the cry from the next room. Will jumped about a foot in the air and, missing the bed on his landing, somersaulted by force of habit and hit his head on the table. Muttering curses under his breath, he stumbled out of the room and down the hall to Elizabeth's room.
"Yes, Elizabeth?" he said, as politely as you can when you've just been woken up by a table leg. Needless to say, he sounded slightly grouchy. Elizabeth turned and glared at him, then resumed looking out the window with binoculars.
"That bitch Hannah just got engaged as well. When she KNOWS we only got engaged yesterday. Has to steal my thunder, doesn't she?"
"Yes," yawned Will, "But we're getting married, and that's all that matters, right?"
Elizabeth glared again. "Do you know ANYTHING about women? That Hannah always has to go one better than me! First it was her getting into a size 4 dress, when I can only reach a size 6-"
"And nearly drown in the process," added Will. If looks could kill, Will would have been suffering an extremely painful demise. "Whoops," he thought.
"And is she content with that?" said Elizabeth, choosing not to kill him until she was done ranting, "No, she's never satisfied, now she's only gone and got engaged to Norrington!"
"What?" said Will, leaping forward to look out the window, tripping, again somersaulting out of habit and nearly sailing straight out the window. But luckily, since he seems to have been born under the same star as Frodo Baggins, he caught hold of the windowsill and pulled himself back in. "Commodore Norrington?"
"YES!" said Elizabeth indignantly, "And he was all set to marry me yesterday!"
"But you didn't want to," pointed out Will.
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!!" shrieked Elizabeth, "You would have thought that he'd be heartbroken for at LEAST a week, rather than getting engaged the very next DAY!!!"
"Well, maybe he didn't love you that much after all," said Will. Elizabeth again fixed him with a steely glare. "Whoops," thought Will again, and edged away from the open window.
"Now everyone's talking about her getting engaged to the most eligible man in the Spanish Main, and I'm stuck with a BLACKSMITH!!!" wailed Elizabeth.
"I'm a pirate!" protested Will.
"Yes, Will, you just keep telling yourself that," said Elizabeth, "But we need to get back at her! We need to BEAT her at something!"
"Why?" said Will, "Why do we need to? We defeated Captain Barbossa and the crew of the Black Pearl, has she done anything like that?"
"No," said Elizabeth, "But that doesn't matter to people, they only care about the fact that she's the heiress of her father's fortune and estate!"
"She is?" said Will, sounding impressed. Too impressed.
"Oh, why don't you go marry HER?" shrieked Elizabeth again, "Why don't I go join up with Jack again and run off to sea with him?"
"Oh god no," said Will, "Look, Elizabeth, I think you're overreacting slightly-"
There was a knock on the door. The butler opened it, and a girl swept in, wearing a very expensive dress.
"Hello Elizabeth," she said, clearly in a state of feigned excitement, "Did you hear the NEWS?"
"I believe everyone has, Hannah," said Elizabeth through gritted teeth, "Congratulations."
"I mean, it was so SUDDEN, everyone thought YOU were going to marry the Commodore, didn't they?" continued Hannah, "But it doesn't matter, it seems you're also getting married." Her eyes flicked onto Will. "I hope your future husband knows that you have a man in your bedroom this early in the morning."
"This IS my future husband," said Elizabeth. Will recognized the face she was making - she wore it every time she wished she could throw decorum to the winds and kill someone.
"Hello there," said Hannah, nodding at Will, "You know, you're a spitting image of the blacksmith's apprentice?"
"Well, it's funny you should say that-"
"He is actually the blacksmith's apprentice," said Elizabeth.
"I'm a PIRATE," protested Will.
Hannah's eyes widened. "Oh REALLY?" she said, "Well, that's interesting. Have you bought a ring yet? The Commodore has given me one with a diamond on it the size of a pea."
"Yes, well, Will's going to get me one with a pink diamond," said Elizabeth hastily, "THE pink diamond."
"THE pink diamond?" said Hannah, sounding disbelieving, "There's only supposed to be one."
"That's the one he's going to get," said Elizabeth, elbowing Will in the ribs to stop him saying anything.
"The one that's said to be on an island in the middle of the Caribbean, guarded by cursed pirates?"
"That's the one," said Elizabeth, staring at Will, "ISN'T IT WILL???"
"What?" said Will, "I am?" Elizabeth glared. "Yes, I am! Apparently!" he said, trying to smile, when he was thinking 'Just how many cursed pirates has this ocean got?'
"And you really expect he'll find it?"
"I'll have you know that Will helped the capture of the Black Pearl," said Elizabeth.
"REALLY?" said Hannah, "That's FASCINATING." Her voice said the exact opposite. "Well, when he gets you this pink diamond, make sure you show me, all right? Sorry, must go, I am having lunch with the Commodore."
Will opened his mouth to ask why she needed to leave to go to lunch when it was only 8am, but thought better of it when he looked at Elizabeth's face. Hannah swept out of the room, and he turned on Elizabeth.
"MORE CURSED PIRATES?????" he cried, "Why? Why? Why did you have to choose a gem which was guarded by more bloody cursed pirates?"
"Because all the best ones are," said Elizabeth, "Come on, Will, please do this. For me. As a wedding gift."
"You're not just saying that to get me to do it, are you?" said Will.
"What makes you think I would do a thing like that?"
"Well, the fact you did it to Norrington, then said you liked me instead."
"That was DIFFERENT," said Elizabeth.
"How?"
"Well, um... that was a different set of cursed pirates. And you KNOW these are cursed."
"Fine," sighed Will, "So how are we going to find this pink diamond?"
"Ask Jack, of course."
"Jack?" said Will, again shocked, "We don't need him! You don't think I can't take on yet more cursed pirates without Jack Sparrow?"
"Truthfully?" said Elizabeth, "No."
It was Will's turn to glare. "Oh, come on Will, he only sailed off in the Black Pearl yesterday, we can still catch him, he's probably heading for Tortuga." Will still wasn't happy. It took much talking, which I can't be bothered to go into now because I can't write persuasive dialogue, for him to agree, so we return to find Will and Elizabeth heading down to the docks to try and find a ship.
"Commodore!" called Elizabeth, "We couldn't borrow the Dauntless, could we?"
"I'm surprised you're bothering to ask," he said, "Last time you just stole it."
"Commandeered it," corrected Will.
"Please?" said Elizabeth, blinking in what she thought was an appealing way. Will fought back laughter.
"No," said the Commodore, "But I can sell you this small boat. Only ten shillings."
Will looked at it. They may as well sail in a sieve, except this boat seemed to be marginally smaller.
"THAT?!" said Elizabeth, "We'd only get halfway to Tortuga before it sank!"
"Fine, five shillings," said the Commodore, "But it's a real bargain."
"Oh, come on, Commodoooooore," whined Elizabeth, "We'll bring it baaaack..."
"Really? You do surprise me. You certainly returned the Interceptor in perfect condition."
"That was DIFFERENT!!!" protested Elizabeth, "That wasn't our fault. It was the cursed pirates, you know what they're like with blowing things up."
"And who are you gallivanting after this time?"
"Uh.... Jack Sparrow?"
"It's more cursed pirates, isn't it?"
"Well... they're not AS cursed..."
"No."
Elizabeth fixed him with a glare, and pulled out a pistol. "You give us the Dauntless or-"
"Or what?"
Elizabeth got a strange look on her face and whispered something in the Commodore's ear. He went pale.
"You wouldn't."
"Oh, I really would."
The Commodore looked from Elizabeth to Will. "Fine, we'll take you as far as Tortuga," he said reluctantly, "But expect no help after that."
"We won't," said Elizabeth. She grabbed Will's hand and dragged him towards the Dauntless. Will looked at her in amazement.
"What did you threaten that poor man with?"
"Oh, I just told him I'd steal all his wigs and dye them pink," she said, "He has a thing about his wigs."
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean or any of the characters. Believe me, if I owned Will Turner, you'd know about it...
* * * * *
The Search for the Big Pink Pretty albeit Cursed Diamond
Chapter 1 - When Fiancées get demanding
The sun rose over Port Royale. Birds were tweeting, pirates were pirating, and lobsters were - doing whatever lobsters do. Lobstering? Anyway, Will was dreaming of a night spent in Tortuga (which Will had discovered lived up to its motto 'Where you can spend a caveful of treasure in one night') when a shriek woke him up.
"WILL!!!!!!!!" came the cry from the next room. Will jumped about a foot in the air and, missing the bed on his landing, somersaulted by force of habit and hit his head on the table. Muttering curses under his breath, he stumbled out of the room and down the hall to Elizabeth's room.
"Yes, Elizabeth?" he said, as politely as you can when you've just been woken up by a table leg. Needless to say, he sounded slightly grouchy. Elizabeth turned and glared at him, then resumed looking out the window with binoculars.
"That bitch Hannah just got engaged as well. When she KNOWS we only got engaged yesterday. Has to steal my thunder, doesn't she?"
"Yes," yawned Will, "But we're getting married, and that's all that matters, right?"
Elizabeth glared again. "Do you know ANYTHING about women? That Hannah always has to go one better than me! First it was her getting into a size 4 dress, when I can only reach a size 6-"
"And nearly drown in the process," added Will. If looks could kill, Will would have been suffering an extremely painful demise. "Whoops," he thought.
"And is she content with that?" said Elizabeth, choosing not to kill him until she was done ranting, "No, she's never satisfied, now she's only gone and got engaged to Norrington!"
"What?" said Will, leaping forward to look out the window, tripping, again somersaulting out of habit and nearly sailing straight out the window. But luckily, since he seems to have been born under the same star as Frodo Baggins, he caught hold of the windowsill and pulled himself back in. "Commodore Norrington?"
"YES!" said Elizabeth indignantly, "And he was all set to marry me yesterday!"
"But you didn't want to," pointed out Will.
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!!" shrieked Elizabeth, "You would have thought that he'd be heartbroken for at LEAST a week, rather than getting engaged the very next DAY!!!"
"Well, maybe he didn't love you that much after all," said Will. Elizabeth again fixed him with a steely glare. "Whoops," thought Will again, and edged away from the open window.
"Now everyone's talking about her getting engaged to the most eligible man in the Spanish Main, and I'm stuck with a BLACKSMITH!!!" wailed Elizabeth.
"I'm a pirate!" protested Will.
"Yes, Will, you just keep telling yourself that," said Elizabeth, "But we need to get back at her! We need to BEAT her at something!"
"Why?" said Will, "Why do we need to? We defeated Captain Barbossa and the crew of the Black Pearl, has she done anything like that?"
"No," said Elizabeth, "But that doesn't matter to people, they only care about the fact that she's the heiress of her father's fortune and estate!"
"She is?" said Will, sounding impressed. Too impressed.
"Oh, why don't you go marry HER?" shrieked Elizabeth again, "Why don't I go join up with Jack again and run off to sea with him?"
"Oh god no," said Will, "Look, Elizabeth, I think you're overreacting slightly-"
There was a knock on the door. The butler opened it, and a girl swept in, wearing a very expensive dress.
"Hello Elizabeth," she said, clearly in a state of feigned excitement, "Did you hear the NEWS?"
"I believe everyone has, Hannah," said Elizabeth through gritted teeth, "Congratulations."
"I mean, it was so SUDDEN, everyone thought YOU were going to marry the Commodore, didn't they?" continued Hannah, "But it doesn't matter, it seems you're also getting married." Her eyes flicked onto Will. "I hope your future husband knows that you have a man in your bedroom this early in the morning."
"This IS my future husband," said Elizabeth. Will recognized the face she was making - she wore it every time she wished she could throw decorum to the winds and kill someone.
"Hello there," said Hannah, nodding at Will, "You know, you're a spitting image of the blacksmith's apprentice?"
"Well, it's funny you should say that-"
"He is actually the blacksmith's apprentice," said Elizabeth.
"I'm a PIRATE," protested Will.
Hannah's eyes widened. "Oh REALLY?" she said, "Well, that's interesting. Have you bought a ring yet? The Commodore has given me one with a diamond on it the size of a pea."
"Yes, well, Will's going to get me one with a pink diamond," said Elizabeth hastily, "THE pink diamond."
"THE pink diamond?" said Hannah, sounding disbelieving, "There's only supposed to be one."
"That's the one he's going to get," said Elizabeth, elbowing Will in the ribs to stop him saying anything.
"The one that's said to be on an island in the middle of the Caribbean, guarded by cursed pirates?"
"That's the one," said Elizabeth, staring at Will, "ISN'T IT WILL???"
"What?" said Will, "I am?" Elizabeth glared. "Yes, I am! Apparently!" he said, trying to smile, when he was thinking 'Just how many cursed pirates has this ocean got?'
"And you really expect he'll find it?"
"I'll have you know that Will helped the capture of the Black Pearl," said Elizabeth.
"REALLY?" said Hannah, "That's FASCINATING." Her voice said the exact opposite. "Well, when he gets you this pink diamond, make sure you show me, all right? Sorry, must go, I am having lunch with the Commodore."
Will opened his mouth to ask why she needed to leave to go to lunch when it was only 8am, but thought better of it when he looked at Elizabeth's face. Hannah swept out of the room, and he turned on Elizabeth.
"MORE CURSED PIRATES?????" he cried, "Why? Why? Why did you have to choose a gem which was guarded by more bloody cursed pirates?"
"Because all the best ones are," said Elizabeth, "Come on, Will, please do this. For me. As a wedding gift."
"You're not just saying that to get me to do it, are you?" said Will.
"What makes you think I would do a thing like that?"
"Well, the fact you did it to Norrington, then said you liked me instead."
"That was DIFFERENT," said Elizabeth.
"How?"
"Well, um... that was a different set of cursed pirates. And you KNOW these are cursed."
"Fine," sighed Will, "So how are we going to find this pink diamond?"
"Ask Jack, of course."
"Jack?" said Will, again shocked, "We don't need him! You don't think I can't take on yet more cursed pirates without Jack Sparrow?"
"Truthfully?" said Elizabeth, "No."
It was Will's turn to glare. "Oh, come on Will, he only sailed off in the Black Pearl yesterday, we can still catch him, he's probably heading for Tortuga." Will still wasn't happy. It took much talking, which I can't be bothered to go into now because I can't write persuasive dialogue, for him to agree, so we return to find Will and Elizabeth heading down to the docks to try and find a ship.
"Commodore!" called Elizabeth, "We couldn't borrow the Dauntless, could we?"
"I'm surprised you're bothering to ask," he said, "Last time you just stole it."
"Commandeered it," corrected Will.
"Please?" said Elizabeth, blinking in what she thought was an appealing way. Will fought back laughter.
"No," said the Commodore, "But I can sell you this small boat. Only ten shillings."
Will looked at it. They may as well sail in a sieve, except this boat seemed to be marginally smaller.
"THAT?!" said Elizabeth, "We'd only get halfway to Tortuga before it sank!"
"Fine, five shillings," said the Commodore, "But it's a real bargain."
"Oh, come on, Commodoooooore," whined Elizabeth, "We'll bring it baaaack..."
"Really? You do surprise me. You certainly returned the Interceptor in perfect condition."
"That was DIFFERENT!!!" protested Elizabeth, "That wasn't our fault. It was the cursed pirates, you know what they're like with blowing things up."
"And who are you gallivanting after this time?"
"Uh.... Jack Sparrow?"
"It's more cursed pirates, isn't it?"
"Well... they're not AS cursed..."
"No."
Elizabeth fixed him with a glare, and pulled out a pistol. "You give us the Dauntless or-"
"Or what?"
Elizabeth got a strange look on her face and whispered something in the Commodore's ear. He went pale.
"You wouldn't."
"Oh, I really would."
The Commodore looked from Elizabeth to Will. "Fine, we'll take you as far as Tortuga," he said reluctantly, "But expect no help after that."
"We won't," said Elizabeth. She grabbed Will's hand and dragged him towards the Dauntless. Will looked at her in amazement.
"What did you threaten that poor man with?"
"Oh, I just told him I'd steal all his wigs and dye them pink," she said, "He has a thing about his wigs."