For nearly a fortnight afterwards, these proceedings would continue; Rúmil
and Orophin and on occasion Celeborn would appear a few times each day to
help Haldir regain his much-loved mobility. One night near the end of
Girithron (December), in particular, is engrained in my memory (and
Haldir's also, I'm sure) - and no, not for reasons you might think.
I was standing on Galadriel and Celeborn's balcony watching the stars blink and shine when I suddenly felt a pair of cool hands sneak under my hair and a set of arms wrap gently around my shoulders. I was surprised, and yet not, to feel Haldir doing this, for I had suspected that he could walk well enough on his own for nearly a week and not need his brothers' aid. Although, the feeling of being snuck up on never goes away, especially at night. I shivered, but held the arms around my neck as he gently leaned his weight on me, still not able to fully support himself for very long.
"It is not kind to sneak up on people at all hours of the night, Marchwarden Haldir," I whispered as I buried my nose in the wrinkles of the fabric of his nightshirt near his elbow.
"It is not kind to be so beautiful so as to tempt others to do so, Lady Gliriel." He nuzzled his face in my hair and blew into my ear, sending another shiver up my spine. "Happy birthday," he whispered huskily before planting a small, quick kiss on my cheek. He took a small step backwards, and when I turned around, I felt a jewel dangle onto my chest. I reflexively reached up and held the stone in my fingers, hoping to see it better in the waning moonlight.
"It was our mother's." Haldir commented, meaning his and his brothers' mother. "You make it look more beautiful than she did." He put a hand on my arm.
Ironically, a tear ran down from my other eye, leaving a path that glistened in the white moonlight. Parting with such a treasure must be unbearable.
"But I'm not parting with it. I will see it every day for eternity." He took a slow step closer to me, reaching up with his other hand to wipe the tear from my face while his other hand trailed down from my cheek to my neck, then shoulder and arm to my hand. "Each morning, I will wake up and see its beauty shine, paled in comparison only by your smile." Haldir smiled and rested his forehead onto mine. I leaned into his hand, and he gently put his other hand behind my neck, rubbing the pressure point behind my earlobe with his thumb.
I looked deep into his light blue eyes, and felt like I was accepted for the first time in a long time. Like I was. loved.
But I knew that that feeling couldn't last.
I stepped away from Haldir and unclasped the necklace from my neck., I pressed the jewel into his hand, all the while not bearing to look at his face. "I cannot accept this Haldir. I'm so, so sorry." I fled the talan. Confusion would be on his features, before the anger would seep through his skin and the frown would set in.
I wanted nothing more than to spend eternity with him, believe you me. But marrying him would mean accompanying him to Valinor and escaping my family. both were things I could not do. Would not letting new love into my heart edge out all of the love I was trying so hard to remember and keep close?
Every night I had slept since I went there (except for the instance where I had fallen asleep on Haldir's stomach), I had dreamt of my family. Nearly every moment I was sleeping, one member or another would approach me and blame me for their death. It was senseless to believe them, I know, but I was young and naïve, I would have believed anything.
"What would have happened if you had not disobeyed my wishes - my orders - and had instead stayed home?" My father would scream as he beat me with more than just words.
Mala, my small sister, would cry and beg for life, while Keiro would show me glimpses of our life when we were grown ups, and neither of us were elves. Mother would cry and shriek at me that she disowned me, and that she wished that I were never born.
Gunther was always the worst; he would show me the quilt and then simply ask "why?"
"But Gliriel, what would have happened had you stayed?"
I found myself now on my own flet, yet having no idea how I got there. Much to my bemusement, Galadriel was seated at my desk and was staring at me intently, obviously expecting an answer to her question.
"We would all be together in one place or another," I replied deftly.
"You know that that is not true. Even now Keiro is not with your parents and other siblings. He resides in Mandos with all of the other elves that have ever passed from this world. You would have made that journey with him." She corrected, her voice as calm as ever.
"I could not leave them here, not even if I could go to Valinor."
"You, however unlikely the circumstances may have presented, are one of the Firstborn. Valinor is open to nearly all of that kindred, even those who betrayed it long ago are welcomed." She meant herself, giving the example that she had committed graver sins than I, and was eventually going to return home.
"Yet I could remain here, keeping the thought in mind that I could go there."
"You speak words that belie your age. Your mind is in turmoil. Does not your heart know what to do?"
"My impulsive heart has killed before."
"It certainly is now, then. Think of how Haldir must be feeling at being rejected by you." When I spluttered something about this, she added something then kept going. "Of course I know about the two of you. It is obvious by the looks in your eyes. But, that is against the point. I care about my Marchwarden very much, and as you can see, so does Celeborn. We both want to see him happy, while we both know that that is not currently possible. His heart is now split four ways. His brothers are going to remain here with Celeborn until he sails on the last ship, while evermore he himself yearns for the green fields of Valinor, where there is no suffering or pain. I have lingered here too long; my whole being feels the pull of the West. Haldir would follow my fëa to Mandos if it came to that. Now, with the two of you like this, he knows he will find rest nowhere that his body resides if you also remain. I do not know if he would come with me."
I couldn't help but cry. "Then tell him - order him - to go with you! Tie him to your wrist with Hithlain! I cannot leave my family." I pulled my bag from under my bed and began packing my few possessions I owned into it. I could not stay here either - not while Haldir did; Lórien was fast becoming a prison. A checklist ran through my head: Mother's knife, father's pipe, Mala's wooden horse, Gunther's quilt. something was missing! I racked my brain.
Keiro's book. I had left it in Haldir's room.
"If that is what you wish." Galadriel sounded resigned, both knowing and ignoring the fact that I was missing something.
I hesitated, my hands floating in the air above my bag still clutching a shirt. "N-Yuh-Yes. That is what I wish." The shirt dropped in the empty space of the bag.
Galadriel's eyes followed me out of the room when I grabbed my cloak from a tree-branch. I flew down the three-hundred-something steps to the ground and ran in the direction of the borders of the forest. I don't know how I made it past the guards, but somehow I did.
With one last shuddering but still steadying breath, I turned in the direction of the mountain pass through which we came.
I was standing on Galadriel and Celeborn's balcony watching the stars blink and shine when I suddenly felt a pair of cool hands sneak under my hair and a set of arms wrap gently around my shoulders. I was surprised, and yet not, to feel Haldir doing this, for I had suspected that he could walk well enough on his own for nearly a week and not need his brothers' aid. Although, the feeling of being snuck up on never goes away, especially at night. I shivered, but held the arms around my neck as he gently leaned his weight on me, still not able to fully support himself for very long.
"It is not kind to sneak up on people at all hours of the night, Marchwarden Haldir," I whispered as I buried my nose in the wrinkles of the fabric of his nightshirt near his elbow.
"It is not kind to be so beautiful so as to tempt others to do so, Lady Gliriel." He nuzzled his face in my hair and blew into my ear, sending another shiver up my spine. "Happy birthday," he whispered huskily before planting a small, quick kiss on my cheek. He took a small step backwards, and when I turned around, I felt a jewel dangle onto my chest. I reflexively reached up and held the stone in my fingers, hoping to see it better in the waning moonlight.
"It was our mother's." Haldir commented, meaning his and his brothers' mother. "You make it look more beautiful than she did." He put a hand on my arm.
Ironically, a tear ran down from my other eye, leaving a path that glistened in the white moonlight. Parting with such a treasure must be unbearable.
"But I'm not parting with it. I will see it every day for eternity." He took a slow step closer to me, reaching up with his other hand to wipe the tear from my face while his other hand trailed down from my cheek to my neck, then shoulder and arm to my hand. "Each morning, I will wake up and see its beauty shine, paled in comparison only by your smile." Haldir smiled and rested his forehead onto mine. I leaned into his hand, and he gently put his other hand behind my neck, rubbing the pressure point behind my earlobe with his thumb.
I looked deep into his light blue eyes, and felt like I was accepted for the first time in a long time. Like I was. loved.
But I knew that that feeling couldn't last.
I stepped away from Haldir and unclasped the necklace from my neck., I pressed the jewel into his hand, all the while not bearing to look at his face. "I cannot accept this Haldir. I'm so, so sorry." I fled the talan. Confusion would be on his features, before the anger would seep through his skin and the frown would set in.
I wanted nothing more than to spend eternity with him, believe you me. But marrying him would mean accompanying him to Valinor and escaping my family. both were things I could not do. Would not letting new love into my heart edge out all of the love I was trying so hard to remember and keep close?
Every night I had slept since I went there (except for the instance where I had fallen asleep on Haldir's stomach), I had dreamt of my family. Nearly every moment I was sleeping, one member or another would approach me and blame me for their death. It was senseless to believe them, I know, but I was young and naïve, I would have believed anything.
"What would have happened if you had not disobeyed my wishes - my orders - and had instead stayed home?" My father would scream as he beat me with more than just words.
Mala, my small sister, would cry and beg for life, while Keiro would show me glimpses of our life when we were grown ups, and neither of us were elves. Mother would cry and shriek at me that she disowned me, and that she wished that I were never born.
Gunther was always the worst; he would show me the quilt and then simply ask "why?"
"But Gliriel, what would have happened had you stayed?"
I found myself now on my own flet, yet having no idea how I got there. Much to my bemusement, Galadriel was seated at my desk and was staring at me intently, obviously expecting an answer to her question.
"We would all be together in one place or another," I replied deftly.
"You know that that is not true. Even now Keiro is not with your parents and other siblings. He resides in Mandos with all of the other elves that have ever passed from this world. You would have made that journey with him." She corrected, her voice as calm as ever.
"I could not leave them here, not even if I could go to Valinor."
"You, however unlikely the circumstances may have presented, are one of the Firstborn. Valinor is open to nearly all of that kindred, even those who betrayed it long ago are welcomed." She meant herself, giving the example that she had committed graver sins than I, and was eventually going to return home.
"Yet I could remain here, keeping the thought in mind that I could go there."
"You speak words that belie your age. Your mind is in turmoil. Does not your heart know what to do?"
"My impulsive heart has killed before."
"It certainly is now, then. Think of how Haldir must be feeling at being rejected by you." When I spluttered something about this, she added something then kept going. "Of course I know about the two of you. It is obvious by the looks in your eyes. But, that is against the point. I care about my Marchwarden very much, and as you can see, so does Celeborn. We both want to see him happy, while we both know that that is not currently possible. His heart is now split four ways. His brothers are going to remain here with Celeborn until he sails on the last ship, while evermore he himself yearns for the green fields of Valinor, where there is no suffering or pain. I have lingered here too long; my whole being feels the pull of the West. Haldir would follow my fëa to Mandos if it came to that. Now, with the two of you like this, he knows he will find rest nowhere that his body resides if you also remain. I do not know if he would come with me."
I couldn't help but cry. "Then tell him - order him - to go with you! Tie him to your wrist with Hithlain! I cannot leave my family." I pulled my bag from under my bed and began packing my few possessions I owned into it. I could not stay here either - not while Haldir did; Lórien was fast becoming a prison. A checklist ran through my head: Mother's knife, father's pipe, Mala's wooden horse, Gunther's quilt. something was missing! I racked my brain.
Keiro's book. I had left it in Haldir's room.
"If that is what you wish." Galadriel sounded resigned, both knowing and ignoring the fact that I was missing something.
I hesitated, my hands floating in the air above my bag still clutching a shirt. "N-Yuh-Yes. That is what I wish." The shirt dropped in the empty space of the bag.
Galadriel's eyes followed me out of the room when I grabbed my cloak from a tree-branch. I flew down the three-hundred-something steps to the ground and ran in the direction of the borders of the forest. I don't know how I made it past the guards, but somehow I did.
With one last shuddering but still steadying breath, I turned in the direction of the mountain pass through which we came.