Within a few months if my departure, many of the remaining elves left
Lothlórien and Rivendell. Or most left, I should say. Celeborn, Rúmil and
Orophin, as well as a Rivendell elf named Beriadil would stay behind. of
course they weren't the only ones, just those that deserved mention.
One Moon-cycle earlier, in August, I visited the Grey Havens in a place called Lindon. There I meet more Teleri elves (Círdan, even for being old, has a great sense of humor) although I would not travel on the ships with the Ringbearers. It was not my time. if my time would ever come. I just didn't feel I wanted to leave.
I stayed with a nice family for most of the month of September (relations to Haldir, I believe) until sometime near the night of the full moon when a large party came of elves from the East. from the Shire. I knew, in my heart, that he was with them. I could feel him there; I could sense his mild fear about leaving me behind, but also his happiness that he was finally departing.. He had lived in Middle-earth for nearly four thousand years. an amount of time still unimaginable to me.
I stood among a crowd of Teleri as they approached, my red hood hiding my face in a pleasant darkness. I watched the Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel dismount their horses and speak with Círdan; Celeborn would ride east later after watching his love sail. Nearby Lord Elrond helped a stiff hobbit dismount from a grey pony, while another two hobbits watched the commotion of the port with wide eyes. Somewhere behind the six of them I could sense Haldir, and I sharply gasped as he rode into view. He swung off of Maethor and landed gracefully on the ground, all hints of his former injury gone.
His eyes scanned the Falathrim, falling heavily on me when he spotted my hood; who else would need to hide their face? I reached a hand up and the cloth of my hood fell; my hair spilling like water around my shoulders, and he beamed upon seeing me. I realized how much I really. luh. liked his smiles.
I suppressed the urge to run into his arms, and let him carry me to the ship, but only barely. As he came closer, I stepped back, as did the group of Falathrim allowing us our space.
I felt his arms clasp behind my waist as he pulled me into a tight embrace. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder.
"I've missed you.." he whispered quietly in my ear.
"And I you.." I took my arms from his neck and looked sadly up at him as he took my hands in his. I chanced a peek at his glowing emotion-filled ice- blue yet silvery eyes, but could not hold his gaze for long. I knew he understood what I couldn't put in words.
"You aren't coming, are you?" He asked me mentally, his voice echoing through our minds.
He knew I couldn't avoid his questions, and I shook my head. "My place is not in Valinor."
"Then I will stay with you my. my l-"
"No." I freed a hand from his iron but still gentle grip and put a finger on his lips. "Don't make it harder than it is. you have to go."
"I can't deny my feelings for you.."
"I don't want you to."
"Then why make us both suffer for eternity?"
I couldn't answer this. I still can't to this day. I intently studied the ground and felt surprised when something was pressed into my hand. He curled my fingers around a cool object, making sure I would keep the treasure he bestowed upon me.
His mother's necklace. I knew without even looking at it.
Not being able to resist, I opened my hand and peered at the shining jewel glinting in the sun. It was a sapphire, cut into a teardrop shape with silver traced down the facets of the gem and a silver chain.
"Amin hiraetha. I'm sorry. I can't take this. I can't let you leave this.." I tried to return it to his hand.
"Gliriel, it was a gift. keep it." He curled his fingers around mine again, and a tear threatened to fall from my eye. "Lirimaer, lovely one, if I cannot have you, then I want nothing more than to think of you with it. No matter how long it means for me to have to think that." He whispered, holding my chin and forcing me to look at his eyes. Quickly he planted a kiss on my lips, sending a chill through me, a realization, almost. Haldir then abruptly turned and his long legs carried him aboard the great white ship, my heart reached towards him, but he would not accept my thoughts or apologies.
I watched the plank being hauled up and the moorings cast off. Haldir's proud head disappeared as he descended a flight of stairs.
I realized then, when the ship first left port - when it had moved just a few inches - how terrible my decision was, how utterly and heart- wrenchingly cruel I had been to both of us. And I couldn't take it back.
One Moon-cycle earlier, in August, I visited the Grey Havens in a place called Lindon. There I meet more Teleri elves (Círdan, even for being old, has a great sense of humor) although I would not travel on the ships with the Ringbearers. It was not my time. if my time would ever come. I just didn't feel I wanted to leave.
I stayed with a nice family for most of the month of September (relations to Haldir, I believe) until sometime near the night of the full moon when a large party came of elves from the East. from the Shire. I knew, in my heart, that he was with them. I could feel him there; I could sense his mild fear about leaving me behind, but also his happiness that he was finally departing.. He had lived in Middle-earth for nearly four thousand years. an amount of time still unimaginable to me.
I stood among a crowd of Teleri as they approached, my red hood hiding my face in a pleasant darkness. I watched the Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel dismount their horses and speak with Círdan; Celeborn would ride east later after watching his love sail. Nearby Lord Elrond helped a stiff hobbit dismount from a grey pony, while another two hobbits watched the commotion of the port with wide eyes. Somewhere behind the six of them I could sense Haldir, and I sharply gasped as he rode into view. He swung off of Maethor and landed gracefully on the ground, all hints of his former injury gone.
His eyes scanned the Falathrim, falling heavily on me when he spotted my hood; who else would need to hide their face? I reached a hand up and the cloth of my hood fell; my hair spilling like water around my shoulders, and he beamed upon seeing me. I realized how much I really. luh. liked his smiles.
I suppressed the urge to run into his arms, and let him carry me to the ship, but only barely. As he came closer, I stepped back, as did the group of Falathrim allowing us our space.
I felt his arms clasp behind my waist as he pulled me into a tight embrace. I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder.
"I've missed you.." he whispered quietly in my ear.
"And I you.." I took my arms from his neck and looked sadly up at him as he took my hands in his. I chanced a peek at his glowing emotion-filled ice- blue yet silvery eyes, but could not hold his gaze for long. I knew he understood what I couldn't put in words.
"You aren't coming, are you?" He asked me mentally, his voice echoing through our minds.
He knew I couldn't avoid his questions, and I shook my head. "My place is not in Valinor."
"Then I will stay with you my. my l-"
"No." I freed a hand from his iron but still gentle grip and put a finger on his lips. "Don't make it harder than it is. you have to go."
"I can't deny my feelings for you.."
"I don't want you to."
"Then why make us both suffer for eternity?"
I couldn't answer this. I still can't to this day. I intently studied the ground and felt surprised when something was pressed into my hand. He curled my fingers around a cool object, making sure I would keep the treasure he bestowed upon me.
His mother's necklace. I knew without even looking at it.
Not being able to resist, I opened my hand and peered at the shining jewel glinting in the sun. It was a sapphire, cut into a teardrop shape with silver traced down the facets of the gem and a silver chain.
"Amin hiraetha. I'm sorry. I can't take this. I can't let you leave this.." I tried to return it to his hand.
"Gliriel, it was a gift. keep it." He curled his fingers around mine again, and a tear threatened to fall from my eye. "Lirimaer, lovely one, if I cannot have you, then I want nothing more than to think of you with it. No matter how long it means for me to have to think that." He whispered, holding my chin and forcing me to look at his eyes. Quickly he planted a kiss on my lips, sending a chill through me, a realization, almost. Haldir then abruptly turned and his long legs carried him aboard the great white ship, my heart reached towards him, but he would not accept my thoughts or apologies.
I watched the plank being hauled up and the moorings cast off. Haldir's proud head disappeared as he descended a flight of stairs.
I realized then, when the ship first left port - when it had moved just a few inches - how terrible my decision was, how utterly and heart- wrenchingly cruel I had been to both of us. And I couldn't take it back.