Usual disclaimer applies…Harry Potter is the property of J. K. Rowling.
A/N-This chapter gets a bit mushy, and the person might be a bit out of character. But this is kinda what I think is running through his head. Hope you all enjoy!
The Secret
Chapter Eleven; Amazing
Harry, Ron and Hermione were running to Charms, just in case they were late because of Hermione's chat with her uncle.
Breathless, they made their way to their seats in the back and collapsed into their chairs. Because of the run, they had a few minutes before class started, so they were able to catch their breath.
Out of nowhere, Hermione asks the boys, "Hey, guys, did Dumbledore mention who the new DADA teacher was going to be?"
"Nope, he just said that she was late and should be here around lunch. Today's DADA classes were cancelled so that she can get here and get settled, lucky for them," Ron answered, upset that they didn't have DADA on Mondays.
"She?" asked Hermione happily. "So he finally hired a woman for the job. Took him five years!" she said happily.
"Yea, hopefully she'll be better than all the others, minus Moony, of course," said Harry, the other two nodding.
"Maybe she'll even last more than one year," said Ron as Flitwick entered the room.
The class was relatively normal, if not amusing. They were working on different banishing charms, using pillows for practice. Harry and Seamus were having contests to see who could banish their pillow the fastest and farthest. Ron and Dean were amusing themselves by banishing their pillows to collide with Harry and Seamus's and Hermione was just laughing at the four boys.
At the end of the class, one by one the students banished their pillow to a pile under the window so that Flitwick was able to see their improvements. When it was Neville's turn, he sneezed as he was saying the spell, causing Flitwick himself to go flying through the air with a squeak. Before anyone could even move, Neville whipped his wand out again and shouted "Wingardium Leviosa", levitating the professor before he crashed into the wall. Slowly, he lowered the stunned professor until he was sitting peacefully on top of the pile of pillows.
Everyone, including Flitwick, was looking at Neville in stunned silence. Blushing beet red, he mumbled, "Sorry Professor," and banished his pillow, where it landed perfectly on Flitwick's lap. Flitwick, still slightly shaken, took control of the class once more, dismissing everyone after asking Neville to stay for a moment.
The three walked out still shocked.
"Did you know that Neville could do that, 'Mione?" asked Ron incredulously.
"No, not at all. I know that he's always been slightly better at Charms than he was at everything else, but he was never that good! Can you believe how fast he moved? I mean, ,we didn't even move fast enough to help the Professor," answered Hermione, equally stunned.
"Maybe we never give him enough credit, you guys," said Harry thoughtfully. "Hey, did he melt his cauldron this morning in Potions?"
The other two thought for a second before shaking their heads.
"No, actually, I don't think so," said Ron.
"Maybe he's finally gotten control of his powers, or maybe he's just been practicing this summer or something," said Hermione, trying to analyze the situation.
"Yea, maybe," Harry said, still thinking about Neville.
As they made their way to lunch and sat down at the Gryffindor table, they could hear people from their Charms class retelling what had happened to those in the other years. Fred and George came over and sat down across from the three, Ginny joining them also.
"So what's this we hear about Neville being a hero or something?" asked Fred, or George, no one was really sure.
"He sneezed while casting a spell, then saved Flitwick from smashing into the wall," Ron said, summing up the story from the twins.
"Neville did that?" asked the other twin.
"Yea," said Hermione. "And he cast the second spell before any of us even pulled out our wands. It was pretty amazing, especially for Neville," she finished, proud of her friend.
"Pretty cool," said Ginny.
The rest of the conversation was interrupted when Dumbledore stood up and waited for silence.
While waiting for the other students to settle down, Hermione glanced at her uncle, who smiled slightly at her, and then at her grandmother, who awarded her with a somewhat larger smile than her uncle.
She focused then on what Dumbledore was saying. "…and I except all of you to treat her with the utmost respect. She was delayed yesterday, but she has just arrived. Ah…here she is," he said, watching the opening doors of the Great Hall.
Hermione looked at her uncle again, whom she knew still wanted to the position of DADA Professor. He was adamantly refusing to even look at the woman walking up the long isle to the Head Table. At this, Hermione smiled, then turned to the woman who had just approached Dumbledore. When she turned around, Hermione froze with shock, then looked at her uncle again. He still hadn't moved to look at the woman. She looked at her grandmother, who understood who the woman was and also was frozen with shock.
::Oh God…what is Dumbledore doing?:: thought Hermione frantically, finally moving to clamp her hand over mouth.
"Students, I would like to introduce you to your new Defense Against the Arts teacher, Professor Rose Fitz."
Hermione wanted to run to her uncle as the goblet he had been drinking from crashed to the floor with a loud clang. Every head in the hall swiveled to stair at him, but he was completely oblivious to everything except for the woman standing beside Albus.
"R-Rose?" came the strangled word from a shocked Severus.
Whispering broke out into the hall as students and teachers alike tried to figure out what was going on.
"H-hello Severus," came an equally choked answer.
"Oh dear," said Albus, finally realizing the significance of the person standing next to him. He quickly took Rose's elbow, propelling her towards the side door by the Head Table. He motioned for Severus to follow and then again at Minerva to take over in the Hall. Severus blindly followed Albus into the room.
As soon as they were gone, the room erupted with noise as people tried to figure out what was happening in the other room, and why their Potions teacher had reacted the way he had. Minerva glanced at Hermione, understanding at once that the girl knew who the woman was. Nodding sadly to her granddaughter, she quickly stood up and called for some order to be restored to the hall.
Hermione nudged Harry and Ron when Dumbledore came back out a few minutes later, looking worried. He quickly goes over to Minerva. They converse for a few minutes, and by the time he stands up again, the hall is silent. Everyone is waiting for what he has to say.
Dumbledore smiles for a second at the curiosity of everyone in the hall, and announces, "Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions will be cancelled for the rest of the day."
A mixture of sounds filled the Great Hall. Gasps of surprise came from many that the two classes were cancelled; cheers came from those who had the subjects after lunch, and sighs of disappointment from many who either already had Potions or didn't have either class that day.
For the rest of lunch, the only topic of conversation was the new DADA teacher and her obvious connection with Snape.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
(Severus's Point of View)
Albus is talking about the new DADA teacher. Probably some stupid woman who wont be able to even handle the students. Why doesn't he just tell me that I'll never get the job, and let me stop applying every damn year for it!
I'm not really listening to him, but I hear Albus talking about the little girl he hired to teach the students.
"She doesn't have a lot of teaching experience, but she is well-versed in the Defense against the Dark Arts."
Ha, what a joke. How can anyone be 'well-versed' as he puts it, if they have never come in contact with it personally?? Why must Albus hire these fools when I know firsthand what these children need to know in order to defend themselves?!
"I except all of you to treat her with the utmost respect. She was delayed yesterday, but she has just arrived. Ah…here she is"
Late, how typical of a woman. Probably off on some nonsense or something-or-other. I refuse to acknowledge her, I will treat her exactly like how I treated all the other poor excuses of human beings that Albus has hired for the job.
"Students, I would like to introduce you to your new Defense Against the Arts teacher, Professor Rose Fitz."
I freeze. Oh God. No, let it be someone else! Please, not her.
Let it be some poor slob of a woman who's afraid of her own shadow. Let it be anyone in the world…
I look up, and my fingers become numb. It's her. I can't move. I hear my goblet drop with a crash, and I'm sure that every person in the hall is now looking at me, but I can't move and I don't care. And then she turns around. Now I can't breathe.
God, those eyes! I could lose myself forever in those eyes.
It's silent. I start breathing again, after what seems like an eternity.
Licking my lips, surprised I'm able to move them, I finally choke out "R-rose?"
Great, now I sound like a stuttering Quirrell for Merlin's sake.
I can't believe it's her. I haven't seen her in close to eight years, but she's barely changed.
She seems as shocked as I am. Good, at least I wasn't the only one kept in the dark about this.
I'm going to kill Albus. I'll pull the hairs out of his beard one by one, slowly, painfully. I'll also slowly and painfully rip every toenail and fingernail off of his digits…I'll…I'll…
She's saying something. I can barely focus on it, because I'm caught in those full luscious lips of hers. "H-hello Severus."
It came out as strangled my greeting did. Glad to know she still cares somewhat, that I still affect her in some way. God, please don't let it be disgust.
I can't tear my eyes off of hers, and I know she still feels the pull, like I do. At least I hope so. God I hope so.
Vaguely, I hear Albus say "Oh dear."
Ha. Oh dear is right. I wonder if he did this on purpose, if he knew exactly who he was hiring and the effect it would have on me.
God, maybe that's why Alexial had that dream last night.
Finally, I tear my eyes away from hers, as I see Albus waving his arm. He's taking her elbow…he's touching her!
Calm down man! He's not going to hurt her!
He's leading her into the side room…should I follow? Should I demand to know why she's here? Surely she knew I still teach here. Unless she thought I hadn't made it alive all these years. Unless she…
Albus is waving for me to follow. Somehow, Merlin only knows how, I'm able to stand up and actually follow him. I hear the students get louder as I step into the doorway, then there's only silence after the door is closed.
Once more, I'm pulled into those eyes. I have never seen and probably never will see eyes such a clear, pure blue. They haunt me at night sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly depressed, or missing her terribly.
I saw them all of last night, even with a small dose of dream-less sleep potion.
Albus is saying something. Get a hold of yourself, man! Pay attention!
::Sharp mental slap.::
"Severus…Severus are you alright?" Albus asks, concern in his voice.
I look away, God that took a lot of strength. I face Albus and hear him repeat the question.
"What is going on?"
God, my voice sounds so cold, so distant. I see her flinch and want to run to her and wrap her in my arms like I used to. But I can't. It's been too long, and I must seem so changed to her.
I take a deep breath, willing myself to be calm, not to lash out at anyone, especially her.
This is my chance. Oh God, I could get her back.
If she still loves me. Merlin, please let her still feel the same way about me, she has to know that my feelings have never changed.
She's talking. I notice her hands shaking slightly. She always did have incredible control over everything except for her hands. They are the only thing that have every betrayed her emotions. Seeing them shake makes me glad for some reason…gives me a type of hope.
"I applied here not knowing you were working here. If you want me to resign…"
NO! She can't!!!
"No, don't!" I say hastily.
She looks surprised, how can she look surprised that I would want to be with her still? That I wouldn't want her to leave after a brief glimpse of what I have lost?
We're staring at each other again.
Albus puts a hand on my shoulder and I jump. Damn!
"Are you sure it would be wise to be working together?" he asked, eyes searching.
Not trusting myself to speak, I nod once, quickly.
"May I ask a question of you both?" he asked looking at me, then at her. We both nod.
"Why do you seem so surprised to see each other? So…affected…by seeing each other?"
I look at her, then open my mouth to answer, but she does first.
"We haven't seen each other in seven years, Albus." She said it softly, looking at Albus. Was that regret? Please let it have been regret.
She's wrong though. It's been eight.
"Eight."
Her eyes swing back to mine, wide in surprise. I shrug slightly.
"Oh my. I believe that you have a lot of things to discuss then. I shall leave you two alone." He squeezes her shoulder…stay calm man! Then he comes and pats mine. "Do you want me to cancel the rest of your classes for today Severus?"
I look at her, then nod.
He nods, then pats my shoulder, looking at me apologetically.
He really didn't know. How could he not have known this was my Rose?
My Rose? Is she still mine? Should I even hope?
He's gone. Immediately, the tension in the room increases.
I'm lost in her eyes again, the power this woman holds over me is terrifying. Yet, something I welcome, something that was missing from my life for eight lonely years.
For some reason, I repeat myself, not stuttering this time.
"Hello Rose."
She jumps when I speak so suddenly. Is my voice still cold like it was before? I can't tell. I hope not.
"Hello Sev." God her voice…I've missed her voice. I've missed her eyes….I've missed her.
"I've missed you too, Sev."
Did I say that out loud? I must have looked confused for she smiled slightly.
I have an incredible urge to gather her in my arms and kiss her senseless.
Somehow, she knows what I'm thinking and tenses, as if…waiting maybe? I don't know how she knows what I'm thinking. Probably from years of living together. I've missed that.
Suddenly the urge becomes too powerful to resist.
I start to walk towards her, haltingly at first. She doesn't move backwards, or stop me, just stares at me expectantly with those eyes.
I walk faster. God this room seems huge! How many damn steps should it take to get to her?
Finally, I'm standing inches from her. I breathe in nervously, my hands clammy, feeling like one of the hormonal teenagers I teach.
She smells of jasmine and roses. The smell of her invades my senses and I close my eyes, savoring her familiar scent.
It feels like so long ago when I smelled that scent every day. I took it for granted. I took everything about her for granted. I took her for granted.
I've missed her scent.
I must have spoken aloud again, for she chuckles softly, the sound is husky…sexy.
Before I can move, I feel her hand on my cheek.
My eyes are still closed, and her hand is softly stroking my cheek like she used to.
The emotion I feel is overpowering. I don't know what it is. Fear? Relief? Hope? Definitely love. God, there's so much love there. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so strongly about someone.
I feel a tear escape from my closed eyes, making its way slowly down one of my cheeks. I hadn't even realized that I had been holding back tears.
I open my eyes finally, and look down into hers. They too are filled with tears.
"God, I've missed you Rose," I whisper, and I can hear the emotion in my voice.
I lift my hand to stroke her cheek…my God, my hand is trembling! She brings her other hand up to clasp mine.
I can't take it anymore.
I wrap my arms around her waist and lower my mouth on top of hers. The kiss is wonderful. Passionate. Ecstasy.
I can practically feel every emotion that she is feeling, and I'm sure she's aware of all of mine. Hell, I know she is. I'm poring all the emotions that I have into this kiss…all the emotions running through me now, and all those that have been stored inside since the last time I saw her.
I want to kiss her forever. It's heaven to have her in my arms again. Needing to breathe but not wanting to end the kiss, we slowly pull away.
Lifting my head, I keep my eyes closed. I feel tears flowing freely down my cheeks, but I don't try to hold them back anymore.
I finally open my eyes, and find that hers are still closed. Tears are running down her face as well.
I'm still holding her…God I never want to let go. Never again!
I must have said that out loud, for she suddenly opens her eyes. I have to stop doing that!
"Never again what?" she asks softly, her voice brimming with emotion.
I lean down and kiss her again, gently again, loving the feel of her soft lips. Then I kiss her cheeks that are wet with tears.
"I never want to let go of you again." I say softly, fervently.
She smiles.
My heart drops.
"Oh God I love you so much! I don't know how I've survived without you Rose. I almost didn't," I whisper, burying my face in her neck as her arms encircle mine.
We're clinging tightly to each other now, both crying. Crying for our past, for what we lost when we separated, for what could have been, but especially for the feeling of finally being back in the arms of your soul mate. We're crying because the feeling of being home is so incredibly overpowering.
"I'm so sorry Sev!! So, so sorry," she sobbed.
"Shhh, shhh," I say. How I am trying to comfort her, I have no idea, for I am crying as much as she is.
Somehow, I manage to lead us to one of the couches in the room. She sits curled in my arms…like how we used to sit. I hug her closer to me and she, in turn, snuggles.
We're kissing again, some passionate and intoxicating, some gentle and sweet, and others harsh and vicious. We can't seem to get enough of each other.
Finally, I pull back slightly, not really wanting to, but needing answers.
She seems to understand what I need, for she sighs, and nestles closer to me, curling up at my side.
I don't want to have this conversation. I don't want to know about the other men that have been in her life while I wasn't. I don't want her to know the horrifying things I've done, or the way I've changed into the cold 'greasy bastard' that I've become.
She senses my hesitation. It's amazing how quickly we've reverted back to understanding each other without speaking. People used to marvel that we were able to do that.
Now, I'm grateful beyond belief that I don't have to explain to her certain things.
Yet other things need to be explained. God this is going to be hard.
"It was hard," she whispers. "So hard."
I know what she means. Starting all over again without her, on my own. After being together for fifteen years, it was devastatingly hard to start over without her, knowing there was a chance I would never see her again.
"I know. I never completely healed, you know," I whispered back.
I've never admitted that to anyone. It was relieving to be talking about this after so many years.
"I know. But I couldn't come back. It hurt like hell to leave you, but it was better not knowing what you were doing, if you were in pain, if you were alive," she whispered.
I think there's an unspoken rule to not speak loudly. I don't think I would be able to. I'm afraid she'll disappear if I speak louder than a whisper. I know it's not logical, but I can barely whisper.
I'm terrified that if she finds out what I've done, what I am currently still doing both for Albus and for him, that she'll leave me again.
"I know you're scared, Sev. I'm frightened myself. I don't think I could live through being separated from you again."
I wouldn't be able to make it through the night.
Do I tell her? And risk losing her? But she just said she wouldn't leave again. And she must know I'm still working as a spy. But what if she's not?
"Severus?"
What do I tell her? The truth? If I lie, that could make it worse. But will the truth be so much better?
"I know you're still working for Albus, Sev."
I stiffen, not realizing it until it was too late.
She sighs…damnit I blew it!
"No, you didn't blow it," she says, laughing, it still sounds damn sexy.
What's wrong with me? Why can't I stop saying my thoughts out loud? What happened to the control I possess?
Rose happened, hello?!
"You'd still stay with me, knowing I still do what I do? Even after leaving me for it eight years ago?" Do I really sound so disbelieving? I sound like a little kid who's been told he can choose any type of candy from Honeydukes and he's afraid to believe it.
"After living eight years without you, and seeing tonight, I don't think I would be able to leave you."
I tighten my hold on her as her words finally sink into my brain.
"God, I love you so much Rose. I was an idiot to choose work over you. I've paid for that these last eight years."
"Oh Sev. I never wanted to you to pay for anything. And I understand now that it was horrible of me to make you choose. I'm actually glad you chose Albus and work, because you've saved so many people. And that was something you were meant to do. I shouldn't have tried to stop you."
She's crying again. I try to wipe her tears away, but they're coming to fast.
"I love you Sev, don't leave me," she was pleading. My heart was pounding. I want her to be mine, I need her to be mine…I need to be complete again.
I hug her tightly and take out my wand. Please don't let her notice anything. I concentrate on my rooms in the dungeons, of the dresser next to my bed, of the first drawer, of the little box that sits in the back corner of the drawer. I barely whisper "Accio Box", and hold out my hand, waiting.
Several seconds later, feels like an eternity, the box shoots through the door, landing in my waiting hand. I quickly look at Rose, please don't let her notice.
She's still crying. Good she didn't see.
I hug her tightly for a second, and kiss her forehead. Then I move myself off the couch. She doesn't realize that I'm not leaving her, that I'll never leave her, and she whimpers, grabbing my robes.
I'm shocked and deeply moved by this for some reason…maybe because it's a sign of how much I mean to her, that her feelings somehow equal mine.
Gently, I unclasp her hands, and shift so that I'm kneeling in front of her. I take her face in my hands after putting the box on the floor, and force her to look at me.
I kiss her nose, then each cheek, then her forehead and finally her mouth…those delicious sweet tasting lips. It's an old tradition that we used to have, and it feels wonderful to be able to do it again.
I don't want to stop kissing her, but I do, because I need her to be mine again. I need to feel whole, that piece of heart that was missing needs to be replaced.
Pulling away from her, I look into her eyes. I can see the love and yearning in them and I wonder if she can see the same in mine.
I reach to my side for the box and lift it up in front of her.
Her eyes widen as she realizes what it is and the fact that I'm on one knee.
"Rose…" my voice catches from the emotion. I try again.
"My sweet Rose. Please by mine. Be my wife?" I ask tentatively, almost shyly. I look down, afraid to look in her eyes.
I'm afraid of the fact that I feel so much about someone; that I am able to feel so strongly for her. The amount of emotion in me is alien, especially after years of pushing everything and everyone away.
I'm afraid she'll say no, and that I'll break.
I'm afraid she'll say yes. If she says yes, I would be beyond happy. I can't picture myself as happy, I wouldn't know how to react.
That's why it's so hard to face her.
But I force myself to look in her eyes, to search for her answer.
I see tears once more filling her eyes and I become scared, even though I know now, somehow, that she will say yes.
Slowly, the corners of her mouth rise into a smile, and she nods once.
I act like a teenager and jump up with a whoop of joy. She laughs, and I grab her around the waist and swing her around.
We stop slowly and then we're kissing like we were before, but with even more fervor, if that's even possible.
Remembering that I still haven't given her the ring, but just shown her the box, I lift my mouth from hers.
She looks at me questioningly, and I smile softly, kissing her nose.
I reach down from where the box had fallen when I lifted her into my arm. I open it, taking out the simple ring that had once occupied Rose's finger.
It was white gold, shining beautifully and reflecting the light of the room. There was an inscription on the inside.
Forever & Always S.S. & R.F.
I take Rose's hand, and place the ring on the same finger that the ring had occupied for close to sixteen years.
"It belongs there forever and for always, Rose. Just like the inscription says," I whisper, overwhelmed with love and happiness that I thought I would never feel again.
She nods, unable to speak as the same emotions engulf her.
Once again, I capture her lips with mine, entwining my fingers with hers and pulling her close.
"I'll never let you go," I murmur against her lips.
"And I'll never leave," she murmurs back.
I search blindly for my wand, only taking my lips off hers in order to place a locking and silencing charm on the room. Then, I turn my full and completely undivided attention to the beautiful woman who belongs in my arms.