Queen Heather came yet again. I have become used to her sneering, and her
attempts to make me feel pain. Today, she brought Evan with her.
O, Evan, how have you changed? Let me count the ways.
The light in your eyes has been distinguished. The smile on your face is gone. The intelligence you showed is lost. And what remains? Your eyes are dull. A sneer appears instead. And all you show is complete obedience. And Heather ordered you to slit your wrist before my eyes.
And you did.
O, the Great who Fall, Fall Greatly. I barely contained my tears as your black blood oozed out of your veins and dripped onto the floor, sizzling as they struck it. The blankness on your face as you raised your knife, this time to strike me as your Queen commanded. It was a bluff, and I knew it. I was too valuable to kill. To waste. And so she ordered you to stop.
But I had seen what she had wanted me to see. There was no hesitation. No wavering. No pause. You would have killed me. Or tried to kill me.
It would have been best to put you out of your misery. Kill you once and for all, so you need no longer be tainted by her. But I could not. For in your face, I still saw my childhood friend, lost underneath folds on folds of evil. And I wept.
I was crying when Queen Heather took you and left. Not crying because of what I had seen. I was mourning you, Evan. Mourning what had once been and never would be again. For you are lost. Totally and Completely. There was no way I could get back you back. No way at all.
And all I can do, is stare at the wall, and hope, and pray, that she who is the light of the cosmos, this Tsukino Usagi, will come soon and save the world. Before it is too late.
===è
Everyone expects me to be like my mother. Smart. Intelligent. Omniscient. They look at us, and immediately say "Amy, your daughter definitely takes after you." They see me as a mini-Amy. Nothing else.
But I'm not like my mother. If anything, I'm almost like my father. If I knew him. I'm one of the younger Crystal Senshi, at 12. I'm a grade higher than Haley, though, because I skipped a grade. My mother ~insisted~.
People don't take the time to know me. They say, "Ah, your hair is just like your mother's." But it's not. It's not dark blue. It's light blue. With lavender highlights. I should know. The highlights are faint, and my mother doesn't notice, but Taiki winked at me the day I came home with them. I guess I was rebelling.
My mom likes short hair. It's easier for her to comb, and she doesn't have to worry about it. Not me. I like long hair. Mom's hair reaches her shoulders, and she constantly chops it. Mine reaches mid-back. And it's curly. But people usually can't tell, because I straighten it every morning. By nighttime, though, it becomes wavy, and every morning, it's curly as can be again. Why do I straighten my hair?
Maybe because deep down, I wonder. If I look enough like my mother, will I finally start acting like her? Will I finally become who she wants me to be?
My mother wants me to get the best grades. Best in the class. Best in the school. She wants me to excel. She wants me to be like her when she was in school.
But I'm not like her. I'm not naturally smart. Or naturally clever. The only thing I'm good at is singing. Is that enough to please her? No. It never will be enough, will it? I scrape through with As. Many people would love to trade places with me. But a 90 isn't good enough for her. I could have done better. I was born to do better.
After all. I have ~her~ for a mother. How could I do badly in school?
One wonders.
I don't think I can seriously say I was ever close to my mother. We have never had the close relationship other mothers and daughters have had. I was happy for her when Taiki proposed. But that was all.
Neo-Queen Serenity says that my mother went into a depression when my father died. And that she came out of it when I was born. That must mean my mother cares a lot about me, doesn't it?
Then why doesn't she show it? Why is she always so withdrawn? So quiet? She never shows any emotion, never hugs me, never kisses me, never tells me she loves me. I have never had any memory of her doing this.
I think I know part of the reason we aren't so close.
I do have visions, like Neo-Queen Serenity said I would. But the ones I have are private. Not ones I would talk to the Crystal Senshi about.
And there's one recurring vision I have had ever since I was 5.
I am standing by a table. My mother is standing across from me. I am older. I am waving something in the air. My mother says something sharp. "I hate you!" I cry. "Why can't you understand? Why do you never understand? Do you even love me?"
My mother steps back and winces, hurt. But she is not done. "If you step out of that door," she says, "I will disown you. I will deny the day I gave birth to you!"
And then I step back. Shocked. "Fine," I then say harshly. And I step out the back door. Before I slam the door shut, I hiss at her, "You never cared for me, did you." It was a statement. Not a question.
She does not even flinch. "You are no daughter of mine," she says, face blank. "Leave!"
And I give her one last glance, and leave. And my vision is over.
Can one really cozy up to her mother, knowing what happens in the future?
===è
My daughter hates me. I don't have a Ph.D and Masters for nothing. I can see it in her eyes every time she looks at me. I can tell by the stiff, formal way she nods every time I enter her room. I can read it in the short, jerky handwriting she uses when she leaves notes for me.
And yet I love her so much. She is my life. She does not know what it was like.
I loved Greg. He was my life. Every morning, he would smile at me, those gentle eyes of him telling me how much he loved me. Expressing our love in words was not needed. It was never needed. When he died, I lost my life. I lost my everything. There was nothing in the world left for me. I was no longer a Sailor Scout. I was still pregnant, so I could not plunge myself in work. And when she was born, my life came back. Unfortunately, I am just not cut out to be a mother. I'm afraid I haven't been a very good one. And she suffers for it.
When people look at her, they see me. They see her blue hair, and they see my blue hair, and they think, "They are much alike."
When I look at her, I see Greg. In everything she does, I see Greg. She has Greg's clear eyes. Her hair is naturally soft and curly, like his. She has his look on her face when she concentrates, the one where she scrunches up her face tightly and glares at her homework. Every gesture, every look, every glare reeks of Greg. I suppose this has made me distant somewhat. I have tried very hard to be a good mother, but without Greg, I am nothing. Now, I have Taiki, and the void in my heart has filled up, but there is still a small hole left, and there will always be a small hole left, and Taiki understands.
Greg and Taiki are different. Greg saw my fights in the future from the past and worried for me. But he loved me and knew that I had to do what I had to do, and he let me go. And he would stay and worry and pray and wait and he would let me go, but he would always be there when I came back. He would always be there to welcome me back. Taiki fights with me, alongside me, as my partner, as my friend, as one I can rely on. He is not there to welcome me back because he is there for me, and he does not worry because he is there with me. (Though technically, when we're fighting the enemy, "he" is actually a "she." But that's beside the point.) And Greg would love and cherish his daughter if she were here, and because of him, my daughter and I would be close, and we would love each other for his sake, and we would love each other for our sake. But Greg is not here to love and cherish his daughter, and in his place is Taiki, and I love Taiki very very much, but he is not Greg, and he cannot care for Phyllis like Greg would, and he cannot bring us together like Greg would have and I do not care for I still love him, but there is still the gap. The chasm.
I love my daughter very very much. She is my life. She, along with Taiki, are the reasons I have not died. And I know that somewhere within all of that hate, all of that loathing, I am sure that she cares for me at least a little. But there is something that keeps us apart, that wedges apart our feeling. It is a glass wall that prevents us from communicating, from expressing our love for each other.
And on my side of the wall, I watch my daughter go about on her everyday life, and I watch her hate me, and I know that I cannot reach her.
But I still love her.
For she is my daughter. My only daughter.
Phyllis.
To be continued ...
A/N: Wow. Amy rambles a lot, doesn't she?
O, Evan, how have you changed? Let me count the ways.
The light in your eyes has been distinguished. The smile on your face is gone. The intelligence you showed is lost. And what remains? Your eyes are dull. A sneer appears instead. And all you show is complete obedience. And Heather ordered you to slit your wrist before my eyes.
And you did.
O, the Great who Fall, Fall Greatly. I barely contained my tears as your black blood oozed out of your veins and dripped onto the floor, sizzling as they struck it. The blankness on your face as you raised your knife, this time to strike me as your Queen commanded. It was a bluff, and I knew it. I was too valuable to kill. To waste. And so she ordered you to stop.
But I had seen what she had wanted me to see. There was no hesitation. No wavering. No pause. You would have killed me. Or tried to kill me.
It would have been best to put you out of your misery. Kill you once and for all, so you need no longer be tainted by her. But I could not. For in your face, I still saw my childhood friend, lost underneath folds on folds of evil. And I wept.
I was crying when Queen Heather took you and left. Not crying because of what I had seen. I was mourning you, Evan. Mourning what had once been and never would be again. For you are lost. Totally and Completely. There was no way I could get back you back. No way at all.
And all I can do, is stare at the wall, and hope, and pray, that she who is the light of the cosmos, this Tsukino Usagi, will come soon and save the world. Before it is too late.
===è
Everyone expects me to be like my mother. Smart. Intelligent. Omniscient. They look at us, and immediately say "Amy, your daughter definitely takes after you." They see me as a mini-Amy. Nothing else.
But I'm not like my mother. If anything, I'm almost like my father. If I knew him. I'm one of the younger Crystal Senshi, at 12. I'm a grade higher than Haley, though, because I skipped a grade. My mother ~insisted~.
People don't take the time to know me. They say, "Ah, your hair is just like your mother's." But it's not. It's not dark blue. It's light blue. With lavender highlights. I should know. The highlights are faint, and my mother doesn't notice, but Taiki winked at me the day I came home with them. I guess I was rebelling.
My mom likes short hair. It's easier for her to comb, and she doesn't have to worry about it. Not me. I like long hair. Mom's hair reaches her shoulders, and she constantly chops it. Mine reaches mid-back. And it's curly. But people usually can't tell, because I straighten it every morning. By nighttime, though, it becomes wavy, and every morning, it's curly as can be again. Why do I straighten my hair?
Maybe because deep down, I wonder. If I look enough like my mother, will I finally start acting like her? Will I finally become who she wants me to be?
My mother wants me to get the best grades. Best in the class. Best in the school. She wants me to excel. She wants me to be like her when she was in school.
But I'm not like her. I'm not naturally smart. Or naturally clever. The only thing I'm good at is singing. Is that enough to please her? No. It never will be enough, will it? I scrape through with As. Many people would love to trade places with me. But a 90 isn't good enough for her. I could have done better. I was born to do better.
After all. I have ~her~ for a mother. How could I do badly in school?
One wonders.
I don't think I can seriously say I was ever close to my mother. We have never had the close relationship other mothers and daughters have had. I was happy for her when Taiki proposed. But that was all.
Neo-Queen Serenity says that my mother went into a depression when my father died. And that she came out of it when I was born. That must mean my mother cares a lot about me, doesn't it?
Then why doesn't she show it? Why is she always so withdrawn? So quiet? She never shows any emotion, never hugs me, never kisses me, never tells me she loves me. I have never had any memory of her doing this.
I think I know part of the reason we aren't so close.
I do have visions, like Neo-Queen Serenity said I would. But the ones I have are private. Not ones I would talk to the Crystal Senshi about.
And there's one recurring vision I have had ever since I was 5.
I am standing by a table. My mother is standing across from me. I am older. I am waving something in the air. My mother says something sharp. "I hate you!" I cry. "Why can't you understand? Why do you never understand? Do you even love me?"
My mother steps back and winces, hurt. But she is not done. "If you step out of that door," she says, "I will disown you. I will deny the day I gave birth to you!"
And then I step back. Shocked. "Fine," I then say harshly. And I step out the back door. Before I slam the door shut, I hiss at her, "You never cared for me, did you." It was a statement. Not a question.
She does not even flinch. "You are no daughter of mine," she says, face blank. "Leave!"
And I give her one last glance, and leave. And my vision is over.
Can one really cozy up to her mother, knowing what happens in the future?
===è
My daughter hates me. I don't have a Ph.D and Masters for nothing. I can see it in her eyes every time she looks at me. I can tell by the stiff, formal way she nods every time I enter her room. I can read it in the short, jerky handwriting she uses when she leaves notes for me.
And yet I love her so much. She is my life. She does not know what it was like.
I loved Greg. He was my life. Every morning, he would smile at me, those gentle eyes of him telling me how much he loved me. Expressing our love in words was not needed. It was never needed. When he died, I lost my life. I lost my everything. There was nothing in the world left for me. I was no longer a Sailor Scout. I was still pregnant, so I could not plunge myself in work. And when she was born, my life came back. Unfortunately, I am just not cut out to be a mother. I'm afraid I haven't been a very good one. And she suffers for it.
When people look at her, they see me. They see her blue hair, and they see my blue hair, and they think, "They are much alike."
When I look at her, I see Greg. In everything she does, I see Greg. She has Greg's clear eyes. Her hair is naturally soft and curly, like his. She has his look on her face when she concentrates, the one where she scrunches up her face tightly and glares at her homework. Every gesture, every look, every glare reeks of Greg. I suppose this has made me distant somewhat. I have tried very hard to be a good mother, but without Greg, I am nothing. Now, I have Taiki, and the void in my heart has filled up, but there is still a small hole left, and there will always be a small hole left, and Taiki understands.
Greg and Taiki are different. Greg saw my fights in the future from the past and worried for me. But he loved me and knew that I had to do what I had to do, and he let me go. And he would stay and worry and pray and wait and he would let me go, but he would always be there when I came back. He would always be there to welcome me back. Taiki fights with me, alongside me, as my partner, as my friend, as one I can rely on. He is not there to welcome me back because he is there for me, and he does not worry because he is there with me. (Though technically, when we're fighting the enemy, "he" is actually a "she." But that's beside the point.) And Greg would love and cherish his daughter if she were here, and because of him, my daughter and I would be close, and we would love each other for his sake, and we would love each other for our sake. But Greg is not here to love and cherish his daughter, and in his place is Taiki, and I love Taiki very very much, but he is not Greg, and he cannot care for Phyllis like Greg would, and he cannot bring us together like Greg would have and I do not care for I still love him, but there is still the gap. The chasm.
I love my daughter very very much. She is my life. She, along with Taiki, are the reasons I have not died. And I know that somewhere within all of that hate, all of that loathing, I am sure that she cares for me at least a little. But there is something that keeps us apart, that wedges apart our feeling. It is a glass wall that prevents us from communicating, from expressing our love for each other.
And on my side of the wall, I watch my daughter go about on her everyday life, and I watch her hate me, and I know that I cannot reach her.
But I still love her.
For she is my daughter. My only daughter.
Phyllis.
To be continued ...
A/N: Wow. Amy rambles a lot, doesn't she?