Chapter 14: Hit That!

A/N: Craig! Come back to the light! The light shall dominate over the evil in you! *glomps Haldir* OK, I'm better now. Karl rapes little boys! (And yet I'm going to be posting my newest fic starring Eomer, figures) Sorry, had to add that in there. Anyhoo, my "father" sucks major balls. He must die. Thank you. *bows and leaves*

Disclaimer:

Me: Orlando! Why? Why, did you turn on me?! *sobs*

Legolas: Orlando? Pffft, who cares about him?

Me: I do thank you very much. And just because he also likes guys doesn't mean I have to stop loving him.

Legolas: Riiiiiiight.

Me: Oh just do the friggin' disclaimer you imp.

Legolas: The Almighty Goddesses, Vanessa and Christy, own nothing. They are broke and are saving their money to go see ROTK. So don't bother suing; you won't get much.

I was on beer #17 when Aragorn came over. He looked so darn sexy in his outfit. Ooo…where's the damn chocolate syrup when you need it?!

"How are you doing?" he asked breathlessly as he had been out dancing.

"Horrid. That stupid elf drank more than me. Can you believe that? I'm so ashamed. Don't look at me!" I whined and downed the remainder of my beer.

Just then DJ Steve played the Macarena. "Come on, Aragorn! We're dancing!" I yelled and dragged him along to the dance floor. I saw Christy dragging Merry, Courtney dragging Pippin, Kitty dragging Legolas, and Gandalf dragging Gimli. This was gonna be good.

Instead of doing the traditional dance, we (the girls that it) did it Texan style. (A/N: hey, we're from Texas, we're allowed) Our guys finally caught on and joined in. Ooo…I had a sexy ranger/pixie/pirate doing in Texan style with me! Life. Was. Good.

I looked up when I saw a flash of silver. Ooo…shiny object…So I proceeded to follow it. Well, 'it' turned around.

"HALDIR?!" I squealed. My squeal caused just about every woman to turn around and many men too. The next thing I know there's another stampede of hormonal masses chasing around a certain silver-haired March Warden (Christy, his hair is silver and I don't care what you say!).

"Damn," I said. "That guy was a sexy beast." I heard Aragorn clear his throat at this remark. "Uh…but you're the original sexy beast, babe!" I laughed nervously.

I saw Legolas walking by and shouted at him. "Oy! Leggy-lass! You do know you have about 50 men following you, don't you?"

He turned around to face the men and sighed. "Gentlemen! How many times do I have to tell you? I'm a male." He then threw off his wig (I gave it to him just now, don't ask) and his long, golden hair cascaded down his back.

"I dunno," Random guy #43 said, scratching his head. "You look like a woman to me."

"Legs," I whispered and beckoned him to come. "There is one way to show them you're a male…" I grinned evilly.

He tried to mimic Aragorn's sexy eye roll but failed miserably. "Let's just hope it doesn't come to that."

"Aww… I was looking forward to it!" Aragorn then slapped the back of my head. "Owwies… I don't know about your world, but here that's called child abuse!"

So I slapped him back. And would you believe he dared to hit me in return. Alright, this was WAR!

"You think you're so cool because you're a ranger/king/pixie/pirate/dude-with-too-many-names? Oh no, biotch!"

He smirked and hit my head. I swear that man is going to be the death of me. "I win," he said smugly.

                        ***

I sat down at the bar and ordered a bottle of rum. Ah, how I do love me rum! A strange man who had his hood pulled up over his head trying to hide his face sat down next to me.

"Hey-o!" I greeted the stranger. "I'm Cabin Girl Vanessa and I rape chipmunks!" (OMG, so an inside joke!)

The strange man simply grunted and drank his water. Wait…water?! Who the hell drinks water at bar?!

I sauntered over to his other side and got up in his masked face. "Why ya drinkin' water?" I asked innocently. No reply. "Could it be because you're secretly Bill Gates?!" I ripped off his hood and was shocked to see, not Bill, but Haldir. "Damn, that was unexpected."

Haldir frantically tried to replace the hood of his MADE sweatshirt (think Joel from GC). "Milady, I'll give you anything if you do not reveal my presence to anyone. I was nearly raped earlier!"

I thought about it for a moment. "Hmm… OK. But you have to be my personal slave for the remainder of the trip."

He sighed, muttered something in elvish which, roughly translated means, 'I'd rather be raped' and nodded.

"Yay!" I squealed. I grabbed his hand and took him to show to all my friends. I had an elf slave!

I saw Christy and drug Haldir over. "Oy! Christy! Look what I got! And he said I could keep him!"

She looked over and her eyes grew to about twice their size. She was like a cat. Because, ya know, they have large, creepy eyes… Horses too. "H-H-H-Haldir?!"

"Lady Christine?"

"Uh… dude, her name is Christy."

"Do you two know each other?" Merry asked suspiciously.

She shook her head no. Then it was Haldir's turn to open his eyes in shock and disbelief. "Milady?"

"Christy, is there something you'd like to share with us?" I asked.

A/N: *begs at reader's feet* I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'M SORRY!!! Yeah, sorry it took me so long to get this up. But I've had a lot of crap on my plate with horses and dogs and my sister… OK, I lied; I've just been lazy.