Middle-earth 2
Ok, I've missed a bit, because I did the bits I thought worth while.So. Shall we continue the journey through Monty Python?
SCENE 10
Ok, this next bit is really not fair to Finarfin; I don't really think he's a coward. It would have taken a lot of guts to go back, and to face the other elves of Valinor branded as a kinslayer. He did fight in the War of Wrath too, so well, anyway, he's just too perfect not to have been used here!
The tale of Finarfin. He was with the last of Noldor to leave, and his people often stopped and looked back. He also had an annoying minstrel. Also, who knew Eonwe has three heads? Caused a few problems when he delivered the Doom of the Noldor..
Minstrel: Boldly brave Prince Finarfin rode forth from Valinor,
His is not afraid to die, O brave Prince Finarfin
He is not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Prince Finarfin!
He is not the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Prince Finarfin.
His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off,
And his pe..
Finarfin: That's enough music for now, lads. Looks like there's dirty work afoot!!
Eonwe, All heads: Halt! Who art thou?
Minstrel: He is brave Prince Finarfin!
Finarfin: Shut up! N, N, Nobody really. I'm just, um, just passing through!
All heads: What do you want.
Minstrel: To fight and di..
Finarfin: Shuut upp!! N, nothing, um, nothing really. Just passing through, Lord Eonwe.
All heads: afraid not.
Finarfin: Ah, well, actually, I am a Prince of the Noldor.
All heads: You're a Prince of the Noldor.
Finarfin: I am.
Left head: In that case, I shall to punish you.
Middle head: Shall I?
Right head: Oh, I don't think so.
Middle head: Well, what do I think?
Left head: I think punish him
Middle head: Oh, let's be nice to him
Left head: Shut up!
Finarfin: Perhaps I could..
Left head: Quick! Grab him, I want to punish him.
Right head: punish yourself.
Middle head: yes, do us all a favour.
Left head: What?
Right head: yapping on all the time.
Middle Head: You're lucky. You're not next to him
Left head: What do you mean?
Middle head: you snore
Left head: Oh, I don't. Anyway, you have bad breath.
Middle head: Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.
Right head: Oh, stop bitching and let's go and have tea!
Left head: All right, all right. We'll punish him first, then go and have tea and biscuits.
Middle head: yes
Right head: Oh, not biscuits.
Left head: All right, all right. Not biscuits, but let's punish him anyway.
All heads: right
Middle head: He's buggered off!
Right head: So he has. He's scarpered!
Minstrel: Brave Prince Finarfin ran away!
Finarfin: NO!
Minstrel: Bravely ran away, away!
Finarfin: I didn't!
Minstrel: When danger reared it's ugly head; he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Finarfin: NO!
Minstrel: Brave Prince Finarfin turned about.
Finarfin: I didn't!
Minstrel: And gallantly he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,
Finarfin: I never did!
Minstrel: He beat a very brave retreat.
Finarfin: All lies!
Minstrel: Bravest of the brave, Prince Finarfin!
Finarfin: I never!
SCENE 11
The Tale of Tuor.
What really happened when Tuor first came to Gondolin.
Tuor: Open the door! Open the door!
[pound, pound]
Tuor: In the name of Ulmo, open the door!
Handmaids: Hello!!
Aredhel: Welcome, gentle Tuor! Welcome to Gondolin!
Tuor: Gondolin?
Aredhel: It's not a very good name, is it? Still, we are very nice and shall attend your every, every need.
Tuor: I have a message from Lord Ulmo!
Aredhel: Lord Ulmo?
Tuor: I must deliver my message. I cannot stay.
Aredhel: Oh, but you are tired, and must rest awhile. Handmaids!
Handmaids: Yes, oh Aredhel!
Aredhel: Prepare a bed for our guest.
Handmaids: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!
Aredhel: The beds are warm and soft and very, very big.
Tuor: Well, Look, I um, look..
Aredhel: What is your name, handsome mortal?
Tuor: Tuor, Ulmo's messenger.
Aredhel: Mine is Aredhel, just Aredhel. Oh, but come!
Tuor: Look please! In Eru's name, I must deliver my message!
Aredhel: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious!
Tuor: No, look, I must leave!
Aredhel: Dear Tuor. You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality!
Tuor: Well, I uh, uh..
Aredhel: I'm afraid our lives must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score unmarried elf-maidens, cut off all male contact. Oh, it is a lonely life dressing, undressing, bathing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome mortals. Come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
Tuor: No, No, it's nothing.
Aredhel: you must see the healers immediately. No, no, please! Lie down.
Healers: What seems to be the trouble?
Tuor: They're healers?
Aredhel: Um, they have basic medical training.
Tuor: B, but..
Aredhel: Come, come. You must try to rest. Healers! Practise your art.
Healer: Try to relax.
Tuor: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
Healer: We must examine you
Tuor: There's nothing wrong with that!!
Healer: Please! We are healers.
Tuor: Look. This cannot be! You are elf maids!
Healer: Back to your bed. At once!
Tuor: Torment me no longer! I must deliver my message.
Healer: That can wait.
Tuor: I must deliver my message…
A short interlude…
Handmaids come into Tuor's room
Handmaids: Hello
Tuor: Oh.
Handmaids: Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
Tuor: Aredhel!
Idril: No, I am her niece Idril. She bleaches her hair, you know!
Tuor: Well, excuse me, I'm just..
Idril: Where are you going?
Tuor: I must deliver my message. I must!!
Idril: Oh no, oh no! Bad, bad Aredhel!
Tuor: Well, what is it?
Idril: Oh, wicked, bad naughty Aredhel! She has been waylaying mortals again! She did that to your father and uncle, you know!
Tuor: She did?
Idril: Oh wicked, bad, naughty Aredhel. She is a bad person and must pay the penalty, and here in Gondolin we have but one penalty for kidnapping mortals, you must tie her to a bed and spank her!
Handmaids: A spanking, a spanking!
Idril: You must spank her well, then you may deal with her as you like. And then you may spank me.
Handmaids: And me! And me! And me! And me!
Idril: You must give us all a good spanking.
Handmaids: A spanking, a spanking! There's going to be a spanking tonight!
Idril: And after the spanking, the oral sex!
Handmaids: The oral sex, the oral sex!
Tuor: Well, I could stay a bit longer.
Voronwe: Tuor!
Tuor: Oh, hello!
Voronwe: Quick
Tuor: What?
Voronwe: Quick!
Tuor: Why?
Voronwe: you are in the greatest peril.
Idril: No, he isn't.
Voronwe: Silence, foul temptress!
Tuor: You know, she's got a point!
Voronwe: Come on, I will cover your escape.
Tuor; I'm fine.
Voronwe: come on!
Handmaids: Tuor!!
Tuor: Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed.
Idril: Yes, let him tackle us single-handed.
Voronwe: No Tuor. Come on.
Tuor: No really! Honestly! I can cope; I can handle this lot easily!
Idril: Let him handle us easily.
Handmaids: Let him handle us easily.
Voronwe: No. Quick, quick.
Tuor: Please, I can defeat them easily. There's only a hundred and fifty of them.
Idril: Yes, yes, he will beat us easily. We haven't a chance.
Handmaids: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily!
[Door crashes shut]
Idril: oh, shit!!
SCENE 13
In which the Sons of Feanor are the knights who say Ni.
Maedhros: Ni, Ni, Ni!
SoF: Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni!
Dior: Who are you?
Maedhros: We are the Sons of Feanor, and we say Ni!
Maglor: Ni!
Dior: No! Not the Sons of Feanor who say Ni!
Maedhros: The same!
Celeborn: Who are they?
Maedhros: We are the keepers of the sacred words, 'Ni', 'Peng' and Neee –Womm!'
Celegorm: Nee-Womm!
Dior: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.
Maedhros: The Sons of Feanor who say Ni demand a sacrifice!
Dior: Oh, Sons of Feanor, we are but simple woodland folk who wish no trouble!
Maedhros: Ni!
SoF: Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni!
Dior: Ow, ow, Agh!
Maedhros: We shall say Ni to you again unless you appease us.
Dior: Well, what is it that you want?
Maedhros: We want the Silmaril
Dior: The Silmaril!!
SoF: Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni!!
Dior and companions: Ow, Oh, Agh!
Dior: Please, please! No more. We shall give you the Silmaril
Maedhros: You must return here with the Silmaril, or we shall kill you all!
Dior: Oh, Sons of Feanor, we shall return with the Silmaril
Maedhros: Don't take too long
Dior: Of course
Maedhros: Make sure it's nice and shiny clean!
Dior: Yes
Maedhros: Now…go!
SCENE 19
Dior: Oh, Sons of Feanor who say Ni, we have brought you your Silmaril. May we go?
Maedhros: It is a good Silmaril, you have it lovely and shiny clean, but there is one small problem
Dior: What is that?
Maedhros: We are no longer the Sons of Feanor who say Ni!
SoF: Ni, Shh!
Maedhros: Shh! We are now the Sons of Feanor who say 'ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoop-boing-goodem-zoo-owli-zhevi.
Caranthir: Ni!
Maedhros: Therefore, we must give you a test.
Dior: What is this test, oh Sons of Feanor who until recently said Ni.
Maedhros: First you must get us another Silmaril
Dior: Not another Silmaril!
Curufin: Ni!
Maedhros: When you have the other Silmaril, you must get the Dwarves to set them both in a nice necklace.
SoF: Ni, Ni, Shh! A necklace, a necklace. Ni, Ni, Shh!!
Maedhros: Then, when you have done this, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with….a herring!
SoF: A herring!!
Dior: We shall do no such thing.
Amrod and Amras: Ni, Ni!
Maedhros: Oh, please!
Dior: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done!
SoF: Argh, arrghh!
Maedhros: Argh, Ohh! Don't say that word!
Dior: What word?
Maedhros: I cannot say, suffice to say is one of the words the Sons of Feanor cannot hear!
Dior: How can we not say the word if we don't know what it is?
SoF: Aarrgghhhh!
Maedhros: You said it again!
Dior: What, is?
Maedhros: No, not is. You wouldn't get very far in life not saying is.
SoF: No, not is. Not is.
Celeborn: My lord, it's Galadriel
Dior: Galadriel.
Galadriel: My lord, it's good to see you.
Maedhros: Now she's said the word.
Dior: Surely you have come to see your cousins?
Galadriel: No, no, far from it.
Maedhros: She said the word again
SoF: Argh.
Galadriel: I heard you had ridden into the woods with the Silmaril and wanted to know what you have done with it
SoF: Argh, Arrgghhh!!
Dior: I gave it to your cousins
SoF: Aarrggghhhh!!!
Maedhros: Aargghh, Stop saying the word! Argghh! The word..
Dior: Stop it!
Maedhros: Oh we cannot hear. Ow! He said it again.
Dior: Patsy!!
Maedhros: Wait! I said it! I said it! Ohh! I said it again. And there again! That's three 'it's' Ohhhh!!!
SoF: Aaaaaaarrrrghhhh!!!!