Litanya: To tell you the truth, I am really sick of going to the Angst section and finding a whole load of yoai fics and not many straight coupled ones. For some reason everyone seems to be caught up in the idea that it is tragic to have two guys loving each other because the society won't accept it… well I believe that there should be more straight coupled angst too. I accept yoai and I read some, but I just think that there should be more angsty Taiora fics. That is what I am going to write now. So, Digimon does not belong to me, and neither do any of these characters. The song belongs to Linkin Park
From the Inside
I don't know who to trust
No surprise
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts sift through dust
And the lies…
She took another breath and leaned against the door, making sure that nobody would be able to open it. She didn't want anyone to follow her into her sanctuary, her escape. Only here could she be herself, only here could she feel like she was being true to herself. She didn't even know why she was leaning against the door. No one was going to follow her, and even if they did, she would have to open the door. Here wasn't anyone there to follow her anyway. She was so confused. She didn't know if the people following her were in her mind or reality anymore. Eyes always seemed to be watching her, unless she was in this room, in the dark like she was now.
Trying not to break
But I'm so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet…
She was deceiving everyone. Everyone around her thought of her as the most popular girl in the school because of who she was dating. She had to act like a stuck up bitch to keep her reputation of being popular, but she didn't want to. Hell, she wanted to go back to being that unpopular nobody who didn't have a boyfriend and thought that the popular girls were stuck-up bitches. Every time that she opened her mouth to speak to them she wanted to tell them what she really thought, but she never could get up the courage. So she would just say some mean comment about the skirt of some other girl, or about how glad she was that Matt was her boyfriend and how all of the other girls were losers because they weren't as popular as she was… She was such a bitch and she hated herself for it. Why couldn't she be herself? Why did she always have to act like someone she wasn't? All of the people who were her "friends" were happy the way that they were. Even the person who had been her one true friend ever since they were small was happy as he was. If all of them could obtain happiness, why couldn't she?
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how
Trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me…
She knew that she was happy when she was just being herself, but the only time that she could be herself was when she was by herself. Or when she was alone with Tai, her best friend since she was a baby, but to keep up appearances she made herself act like a bitch, even when she was around Tai. If she didn't act that way around everyone then people would figure it out that she was lying. And then she would lose her boyfriend and her popularity. In a way she wanted to lose it all, but then she would be completely alone, with no friends. It just wasn't worth it. Should she continue to be someone that she wasn't in order to keep people around her pretending to be her friends? Because she knew that they were pretending. They probably wouldn't even speak to her if she was 'Matt's girlfriend.' They probably would be the ones teasing her. Why should she pretend to be someone else if the only things that she would gain would be things that were not real? But she knew that she couldn't stop it, she couldn't stop the illusion. And that made her more depressed than she would ever have been without it. She was putting up the illusion to make sure that she had things that would supposedly make her happy, but in the process it was making her unhappier than she would be without the illusions. It didn't make sense, but in a cruel way it did. She took out her small pocketknife that she kept for reasons such as this. She carefully rolled up her sleeve until it was at the top of her shoulder, where it wouldn't roll down. There were already cuts at the top of her forearm. Luckily it was winter so people wouldn't notice, but even in summer she only wore t-shirts that hid the top parts of her arms. Well, she would. She placed the knife to her skin and cut, feeling the pain and only the pain. That was how she liked it. There was nothing to trust but the pain, no one to act to but herself and no reason to regret anything that she did. That was why she loved being by herself.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
'Cause I swear/ for the last time
I won't trust myself with you…
He didn't have anywhere that he could be alone. His shadow always followed him wherever he went. The shadow that was his worries, the shadow that was his doubts and the shadow that was his regrets just followed him everywhere, no matter where he went. He couldn't get away from it. Sure, he kept his goofy grin on his face like a show for those that knew him, a show for the people who didn't know him any better than at face value. Even his sister and his best friend believed the show; obviously they didn't know him anymore. His best friend… Sora. She had changed so much over time, but she had been basically the same sweet, funny, caring girl that he had met when he was only a baby, she had been that person until she had begun to date Matt. Then she had changed until he hardly recognised her anymore. She had thrown away her caring attitude and she was a bitch to everyone. That worried him. He knew that it wasn't her, knew that it was someone different. He knew that she wasn't really like that, not really. It was like she was molding herself to be the person that people expected her to be. He could hardly trust himself to be around her anymore. He just wanted to grab her shoulders and yell that he knew that she was better than this. He wanted to yell that she was a much better person when she was just being herself… he wanted to yell it out, get rid of it from inside of him. That was why his shadow was following him. His shadow was everything that he knew he had within him, everything that he knew he wanted to get rid of.
Tension is building inside
Steadily
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts forcing their way
Out of me…
He wanted to be free of his shadow, free of all of these thoughts that plagued him day and night. He wanted to be free of the person that she was slowly turning him into because of all of her lies. She would say one thing and mean another. She would tell him that she would be somewhere and so he would go only to find that she had gone somewhere else with Matt. He was getting sick of going to meet her and then ending up being alone, all alone, usually in a place that he didn't know. He would go there to be there for her because he loved her, he truly loved her, but she would only leave doubt and hurt for him to pick up. Maybe she enjoyed doing this to him. Maybe she only said that she was going to be somewhere because she wanted to see if he would go running after her, like a dog with no master. Maybe she would take amusement in his hurt and then go off on her date with Matt and have the time of her life. Maybe then she would wait until the next time she got bored before she sent for him again, and he would amuse her like he always did. No… no, Sora wouldn't do that, even though she had changed. She hadn't changed that much… or had she? What if he was only a play toy for her to use when she got bored? She certainly didn't know anything about him anymore, and she had not once turned up to their meeting spots…
"Tai, Sora's on the phone!" his little sister called out to him, and he scrambled to the light switched and turned it on before Kari could open the door with the phone. He managed to pick up a book and land in a chair just in time before he heard the doorknob turn. He also managed to get his sleeve back down to his elbow. Thank God it was winter time.
"Thanks Kari," he grinned at her as she deposited the phone and left with a 'whatever,' "Hi Sora." He put on his cheerful voice, the one that no one suspects of being fake.
Trying not to break
But I'm so tired of this deceit
Every time I try to make myself
Get back up on my feet…
"Hey Tai, I was wondering if you would be able to meet me at the soccer pitch. You know, where we used to go when we were younger?" he didn't know how to reply. Should he trust her again, this one last time? Or was she just going to hurt him again by not turning up?
"Yeah, sure, I'm sure I can squeeze it into my schedule," his reply was automatic and, like usual, it wasn't thought out. Of course he would go, he always would. He would never be able to stop making a fool of himself, chasing her all over the world if she asked him to. He was nothing more than a puppy, or at least that is what he felt like.
"Thanks Tai, I really appreciate it," was it his imagination or did her voice sound amused as she said that last sentence? It didn't matter; he would go only if to amuse her. Then he would come back and continue what he was doing, continue doing what he did every time she did this to him. It helped him to get over the pain of losing her. Because it was letting all of the things inside of him out, both figuratively and literally.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
All I ever think about is this
All the tiring time between
And how
Trying to put my trust in you
Just takes so much out of me…
She couldn't go. As soon as she hung up the phone she realised that she had forgotten. She had forgotten all about her date with Matt. She couldn't meet Tai; she had to go to Matt. Should she just leave Matt waiting for her and go and see Tai anyway? Tai was the one that would be able to help her find her true self again, to help her become herself again. Should see go and see him, or go to Matt, who would tell her lies and make herself become her, the person she was turning into? She agonized over the decision for a few minutes. She finally decided. Tai would forgive her, whilst Matt certainly wouldn't. She reached for the phone again.
"Hey Kari, is Tai there?" the same old routine.
"No, he's already left to meet you. Let me guess. You have a date with Matt that you completely forgot about and you want me to apologise to Tai for you and tell him that you will never do this again?" Kari's voice was bored, as if she had gone through this too many times. Well, she supposed that it did happen a lot.
"Thanks Kari, I knew you would."
"Sora, I will do this, but only this last time. You are treating my brother like a used soccer ball, kicking him over there whilst you go and play with a new one, then returning to him whenever you feel like before going off again. It's starting to take a toll on him. He's changing into someone I hardly know and he keeps himself locked in his room most of the time. Please, if you say that you are going to talk to him, then TALK to him! Don't just call back and say that you are too busy. And next time, check your schedule before you call and make my brother drop everything he is doing just to meet the wind and rain because you can't get there," Kari slammed down the phone and Sora put the receiver back on its cradle, feeling a little guilty. Tai was happy though. He was himself and he had nothing that he was worrying about. He was all carefree. He had told everybody about a hundred times, when everyone else asked him if he worried about anything at all. He was just that type of person. He didn't worry about anything and so he could help her. But not now. She had to go on her date with Matt. She expertly wrapped a white cotton bandage around her arm to stop the bleeding. Yes, she had to go now to meet Matt. She rolled down her sleeve and left to go out into the world of being her.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I take everything from the inside
And just throw it all away
'Cause I swear/ for the last time
I won't trust myself with you…
She wasn't coming. For the millionth time she had made him run after her, only to find that he was chasing the wind. When was he going to learn that she never meant a word that she said to him anymore? When was he going to learn that she was only amused by him because he was so desperate that he did anything for her? He dropped to his knees on the soccer field, not caring that he landed in a puddle of mud. It seemed to fit the occasion, he thought. After all, animals lived in the mud and he was probably just like her puppy. She would call and he would go running. That was probably why people kept on asking him if he worried about anything at all. They probably asked him because they knew that if Sora was treating them that way, they would just leave her alone. They probably all thought that he was hilarious. And tomorrow Sora would go to school with another one of her 'Puppy' tales and they would all laugh. After all, she was the popular one. He was only in "their" group because he was her first friend. Her only true friend it seemed. And yet she still left him there, sitting in the mud, all alone. He was alone and he had nobody that he could call a true friend. Not one true friend.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
I won't trust myself with you
I won't waste myself on you
Waste myself on you
You…
She was supposed to be having fun. She was certainly acting as though she was having the time of her life. But she wasn't. She hated these big parties and she hated having to be packed into one room with about 60 other people. She could barely move the small room was packed so tightly. She hated it, but she laughed and smiled and danced as though it was the only thing that she wanted to do. It was like a play that the actor absolutely hated doing, but had to do anyway. No one could tell that she wasn't having the time of her life. But she had to get out of there.
"Hey Matt, I'm just going to go get some fresh air," she had to yell this to get him to hear her, and he was standing right next to her.
"Yeah sure, I'll come too," he yelled back, but she barely heard him through the noise of the music that was pounding through the air around them. She weaved herself through the crowd, bumping into at least twenty people that she had never seen before in her life, before she finally made it outside, to the cool air of the night. It took a moment for her brain to register that it was raining.
"We shouldn't sty out here long, otherwise we'll catch a cold," Matt noted, coming outside behind her. At that moment she hated him, completely detested him. But she wouldn't do anything about it. And he had only said something that would be better for their health, but because he had suggested going back inside, back to her living Hell, she hated him.
"It's nice out here though," that was all that she could say. She couldn't say how much she hated it inside, how much she just wanted to leave everything behind her and go running somewhere where no one would know her, where she would have to lie to no one. Her tone of voice had not been of the longing to be free that she felt, but it had been as if she had been pointing out that the sky was blue or the Earth was round.
"Yeah, it is now that you're out here," Matt wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her, not noticing that she wanted to get away. But she didn't do anything other than kiss him back and wish that she was in her room, by herself. Where she was herself. When they had finished kissing Matt smiled down at her and took her hand.
"Come on, we'd better get back inside," but she couldn't go with him. He began to lead her back inside, but she took her hand out of his. He turned, confusion written on his face. She finally had the courage to say it.
"I don't want to go back in there."
"But you love parties, you said that yourself about two minutes ago," he was confused, but she didn't care anymore. She didn't care if he left her alone and never spoke to her ever again. She just wanted her solitude.
"No, I hate parties. I-I have been lying to you and everyone else ever since I became this person who I am now. I hate parties, I hate those bitches who call themselves my friends and I- and I hate you!" she had said it. But now that she had she wasn't going to stick around to see the consequences. She ran through the rain, ran away from the house, ran away from Matt, and ran away from the bitch that she had turned into. Matt was just standing there, watching her leave, so she left. She didn't know where she was going, she was just escaping. And, for the first instant in a long, long time, she felt free.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
He was soaking now, but he didn't feel it. The mud was slowly seeping through his pants and onto his skin, but he didn't care. He was alone. For the first time in his life he realised it for himself. Sora had been his only true friend, and now that she was gone, he had no friends. Sure, he had Kari and his parents, but they were family. He couldn't talk to them. They thought that he was popular anyway. Everyone always assumed that the captain of the school's soccer team was popular. The truth was that he hadn't wanted the popularity because Sora and their small group of friends had been enough for him. But then Sora had moved groups and he had felt obliged to stay with her. That had just led him to a place full of lies where you couldn't tell a friend from a pretender or a suck-up. And he just wished that it was all over.
"Tai, what are you still doing here? You must have been here for hours," it was Sora. He quickly hid the pocketknife under his knee and hoped that she hadn't seen it. He hadn't used it, not here in public, but he had been thinking about it.
"Hmm? Oh yeah, I just thought that I would wait here for a minute, then I realised that you weren't going to come and that I'd wasted my time yet again, and so then I just thought that I might as well just sit here. I didn't realise that it was raining though," back to his cheerful voice, the one that hid his feelings perfectly.
"Oh Tai, what I would give to be as cheerful as you are," her tone was wistful and almost as if she regretted everything in the world.
"No, you wouldn't. Trust me, you are happy right as you are," he didn't believe his words anymore, didn't believe that anything could ever come to any good. But he still didn't let it show, with his goofy grin and voice, as though he was not sitting in a puddle of mud and was not soaked to the skin.
"No I'm not Tai; I've turned into a bitch!"
"I don't see any dogs around here."
"You know what I mean. I mean, look. I called you and said I would be here, but I wasn't, was I? I truly didn't mean it. I just completely forgot about my date with Matt, but even so I should have just cancelled it with him to come and meet with you. I'm tired of being a bitch and talking to the other girls about the clothes and make-up of other girls! I'm tired of pretending that I like saying horrible things about other people. I've even been saying bad things about Mimi, and she had been one of my closest friends since I was six. What have I become?" she sank down to her knees next to him and tears ran down her cheeks. He put his arm around her, noticing as he did how heavy his arm had become.
"Look, we should continue this out of the rain. Come on, we'll go sit under the pavilion over there. I have a feeling that you don't want to talk where others can hear," he pulled her up and led her to the pavilion, making sure to pocket his knife. She hadn't seen it, so it was okay.
"I can't believe what a bitch I have been. But it ends today. I broke up with Matt and left the party and… and I can finally become myself again!" it was about an hour later and she had just pored out everything that she had been feeling for the past two years to him, whilst he had just sat quietly and encouraged her to get it all out. She had stopped crying and she was now actually smiling, "Sorry about having to make you listen to all of that Tai, you must be bored."
"Nah, I was just glad that I could listen and help you. It's good to have someone to listen to you and so I'm happy to help," they stood up and something crashed to the floor, out of Tai's pocket. Sora bent down to pick it up and swore when it cut her finger, "What's wrong Sora?"
"Whatever it is that dropped just cut my finger."
"I-I'll get it then," he quickly bent down and grabbed the knife, ignoring the fact that it cut into his fingers as they folded around it. Sora stopped his hand before he could get the knife back into his pocket. He had folded it up this time though, so it wouldn't cut his leg. Sore examined the knife and then let his hand drop.
"Why do you have that pocketknife with you?" she asked quietly, her voice level.
"What else would I do with the time that I was waiting for you? I was making holes in the ground. You can go and look if you like."
"But what else do you do with a pocketknife?" she had told him about the nights she had spent cutting, so he knew all about that. He had promised to make sure that she never did it again; he had promised to take her little knife away.
"I use it to get everything and throw it away. I use it to get rid of the shadow that follows me around, to get rid of the things that I keep hidden away inside of me. In other words, I use it to hurt myself, just like you do. Why else would I have one?" he didn't want to tell her this, but it was as though a strange force was controlling him, making him tell it, "You think that you are the only one that has problems? I was fine, I had you as my best friend and Mimi, Joe, Izzy and even Matt was being a better friend than he is being now, but then you moved to the popular crowd because you were dating Matt and I felt obliged to let you know that I was still your friend, so I kept with you. It was part Mimi's idea since she thought that you would need a true friend following you. So I kept around you to be there, and then… and then I had to put up with those fakes too, but the thing that really upset me was that you… you had just become someone who would break promises right and left. It was Kari's birthday a month ago and you had promised me, promised to help me set up her party. I ended up setting it up alone and I had to get T.K to help me. But… this isn't about any of that." He was angry at himself. He was making it all seem like it was her fault that he was doing this.
"What is this about then?" Sora asked softly. She had had no idea that Tai had been feeling this bad, and part of it was her fault.
"I-I'm not sure. Maybe it's just that I-I cared-care about you as more than a friend and Matt was turning you into someone you weren't and it just made me so angry that… that I thought it was my fault," he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, his face pointing to the ground. He was letting out his stress, but he felt guilty for it. He didn't know. He kept on speaking, just letting the words tumble out and she listened. Sora listened to him and after a while he realised that it was helping. Together they had helped each other out.
"Well," Sora said as he finished telling her what was wrong, "Now we've helped each other out, we have to promise to talk to each other whenever we have a problem. Do you promise?"
"It's a promise," they hooked pinkies and swore that they would never leave the other one alone. Only then did they notice how close they were. Tai took the chance and he leaned in a kissed her, a kiss of true love and friendship. And this time, Sora didn't want to be free. She already was.
The End.
Litanya: Okay, that really kinda sucked, but I feel much better for writing it. Sorry for the rant up the top, it was just annoying me. Most of my fics end up in the Angst section and yeah. This is my first fic that I've posted since I got back from Germany! Yay, go me! Now I have to go and read one of the 12 books I have to read for English within the next 2 weeks. Fun. Please review, I beg of you!