Chapter 33
"A little light reading?"
Sara darted her eyes up from the children's book as Catherine dragged herself across the office and flopped down into one of the chairs. Setting the embarrassing material down beside her lunch, she gave her colleague a small shrug.
"Just making sure I know the next chapter. They had to put Teresa on chloramphenicol. White blood cell count is really screwed now. Have to wear masks, scrubs, whole deal to visit. Can't take the book in with me."
"That's why you been so down? Worried about the kid?" Catherine asked kindly, watching as the younger woman nodded sadly. Catherine gave her a sympathetic smile; this had been a hell of a way for her to get in contact with her maternal instincts.
It was no wonder Grissom had sent her up on a decoy mission to check on her. It was clear she was very sad. Add the fact that Sara was avoiding the break room before shift and eating lunch at her desk, and Catherine was certain she was purposefully trying to avoid the others.
Physically, Sara appeared much as she did before the accident. Someone who didn't know her probably wouldn't notice anything was wrong. But there was a spark missing; she didn't have the energy or enthusiasm she'd had before.
"Rough day?" Sara asked, changing the subject when she realized she was being inspected. The diversionary tactic earned her a smile and a snort.
"Damn custody dispute! Mom and deadbeat boyfriend decided to stage a fake kidnapping attempt, trying to blame the father for it. Didn't give a shit that she scared her own kids half to death," Catherine fumed, letting out a hiss of air. "Some people should never be allowed to have children."
As she stretched, a flash of color on the file cabinet caught her attention. While an occasional stranger still approached Sara in public, the flood of gifts had finally dried out. Those were fresh. Keeping her expression neutral, she vowed to personally kill Grissom if he was responsible. "Nice flowers."
"Yeah. Jimmy again."
"Jimmy? Grad school advisor Jimmy?" Catherine blinked in confusion, before taking on a teasing air. "You have a thing for older professors?"
"No, Cath! It wasn't anything like that," Sara said, blushing slightly, but with a trace of a bashful smile.
"Uh, huh. And Jimmy just sends flowers to all his old students."
"Just the ones he feels guilty about," she said with a fleeting smile.
Catherine blinked again. While she knew the real reason behind Sara's blush, she had continued to tease her, trying to lift her spirits. That answer had been unexpected.
"Why would he feel guilty?"
"That he didn't do more to keep me in grad school."
Sara had given a diffident shrug as she answered. Catherine wasn't sure if it was because she didn't want to continue the conversation, but decided to cut straight to the chase.
"Why did you quit?"
"Got tired of the bureaucratic bullshit."
"You entered law-enforcement to get away from bureaucracy. Okay." Catherine shot her a disbelieving look. "What's the real reason?"
"Cath, it's complicated," Sara sighed. The blonde settled comfortably into her chair, the action not lost on her companion. "It really was bureaucratic. There was trouble with another student."
"Let me guess: he wasn't as smart as you?"
"Cath, the chalk was smarter than he was. He couldn't cut it. Blamed it on favoritism. I was the 'token' female, so he claimed all the professors took it easy on me."
"He didn't." The older woman could only imagine how that would have set Sara off.
"Oh, he did. Got real nasty about it. But he was a legacy; family gave a fortune to the school. When he saw he could get away with anything, it escalated. No, nothing like that," she said when a worried expression crossed Catherine's face. "We were doing a lot of theoretical modeling of materials. Mainly computer-based, but we did use a lot of chemicals to see if our materials reacted the way we predicted they would. He decided to try to sabotage one of my experiments."
"Did you get hurt?"
"No, but he nearly killed himself. Switched the bottles of chemicals and put hydrofluoric acid in a glass container. Idiot didn't even know that it can dissolve glass. He ended up in the hospital, had to call in haz-mat to clean out the building, and the school still tried to sweep it under the rug. That was about the time we had been helping out the L.A. police on that murder case. Made friends with one of their CSIs. Told me about an opening he had heard about in San Francisco. I took it. Jimmy always felt bad about the whole thing. He's brilliant, but he was terrified of the dean, so he never made waves."
"Why does he think you'd come back now?"
"He's the new dean. And he saw that first press conference where I said I might go back someday."
"Well, I hope you set him straight that you weren't!" Catherine's tone had been light, but when Sara refused to meet her eyes, she felt a twinge of nervousness.
"Was there something you needed?" Sara asked quickly, trying to sound friendly and not rude.
"Yeah, actually there is," Catherine said after a momentary pause. She had never realized that Sara was considering leaving the department. Grissom hadn't mentioned it, so it was unlikely he had any idea. As much as he would want to know, she doubted he'd handle the knowledge well. He was already having a hard time giving Sara the distance she needed.
"We're a little swamped and we were hoping you could give us a hand. Nick's running a burglary at a jewelry shop. Looks like one of the owners was cheating his partners, and 'stole' the merchandise to cover his tracks." She set a folder and a CD case on the end of the desk. "I've got copies of his business records from his laptop. When you finish lunch, could you check through them?"
"Sure," she said happily, moving to clear away the remains of her meal. When she caught the maternal glare Catherine gave her, she pointedly took another bite from the sandwich. Her appetite still wasn't up to normal, but she found she could force herself to eat several small meals throughout the day and had managed to regain her lost weight. "Don't even think about telling me I can't have dessert later."
Catherine smiled at the mock-threat. At least Sara seemed eager to help with this case. "That review have you bored yet?"
"A little. Conclusions pretty much what I suspected they would be when I started," she said sadly.
"Oh? You smarter than everybody else?" Catherine teased, trying to lighten the mood again.
"Hardly. I just have no life."
"What are you talking about?"
"I have no life. I voluntarily worked more hours than anyone else. If I maxed out on overtime and it was an important case, I'd work at home. I didn't have proportionally more cases than anyone else, so I had more time to dedicate to each."
"I doubt that's all of it," Catherine said.
"Some of it's manpower; mistakes get made when everyone's working too long without a break. That's not likely to change. Some of it's bad habits. Cases, especially minor ones like smash-and-grabs, that aren't likely to get solved don't get much attention. That makes them pretty much guaranteed to be unsolvable."
"I think you should give yourself more credit." Catherine said softly. The matter-of-fact manner Sara had used to describe herself had been a little unnerving. She used to joke about not having a life; now it came out as an indictment. "We're going to be glad to have you back."
Sara ignored the last comment and opened the folder to review the case as her laptop booted up. Catherine watched carefully, making no move to leave. "This'll take some time, Cath. I'll page Nicky when I'm done."
"Why aren't you coming back?"
The brunette dropped her head while letting out a long sigh. "I don't know that I'm not coming back. I don't know what I'm doing."
"Why don't you want to?"
"I never said I didn't want to," Sara said, trying to ignore the other woman. She let out another sigh when she realized Catherine wasn't going to take the hint to leave. "I don't know that I can."
"You still having flashbacks?"
"No, none recently."
"Then what's the problem?"
"I …"
Catherine could see the brunette was debating whether to carry on with the discussion. It would be better for her to talk, but she also knew that Sara was a private person and she was hardly her best friend. She decided to try reassurance.
"Look, Sara, I'm not here to push. But whatever's bothering you, trust me, it's better to get it off of your chest."
"Voice of experience?"
Catherine ignored the sarcastic tone. "I could be a choir. Never look back, never regret. That's been my motto. It's worked well for me."
"You've never really done anything wrong, then."
Catherine stared at her in astonishment. "You shittin' me? You do know who you're talking to, don't ya? I've done more than my share of dumb things. Really dumb things. What's the worst you ever did? Forget to get a library book back in time?"
"I think I killed a kid."
"Sara, what the hell are you talking about?" she whispered after a long pause.
She licked her lips nervously. Kane had assured her that her concerns about how her friends would react to this knowledge were misplaced, but until she actually saw the reactions, she'd never be certain. "The boy on the bus, Cath. I never checked for his pulse. I left him there."
"That's what you're beating yourself over?"
"You make it sound minor."
"He was dead, Sara. The autopsy showed that."
"I know."
"Then why are doing this to yourself?"
"You make it sound like I have a choice," Sara snorted. "I know that logically I didn't kill him. But emotionally, I think I left him behind to die. Cath, I … my whole memory of what happened in there is fuzzy. I'm not sure what happened. I … I'm afraid of what I'm going to do the next time. Not the next bus crash, but the next time I'm stressed like that. What I will forget to do; what I will screw up. I don't want to ruin a case, or put someone else in jeopardy."
The older woman leaned back in the chair and let out a deep breath. This explained why Sara was such a mess; it probably was also part of the reason why she was so desperately concerned about Teresa's condition. She wondered sadly how long it took someone to rebuild their self-confidence after this type of event, or what happens if they couldn't.
"Cath, I … I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell him about this."
"Him?" she asked innocently.
"You could have put those files on the network. There was no reason to personally deliver them other than to check up on me."
Catherine gave her a smile as she got up to leave. "Good to see that brain of yours is still working, kiddo. Don't worry. I won't talk."
"Thanks."
"Are you worried what Gil's going to think?" Catherine waited by the door until Sara gave a brief nod. "Don't. He won't think any less of you. All this, it's forced him to come out of that shell of his. I think he's finding out that it's not as bad outside as he thought it would be. Give him time, Sara, and I think you'll be able to coax him all the way out."
Sara gave her a brief smile before turning back to her work.
"A little light reading?"
Sara darted her eyes up from the children's book as Catherine dragged herself across the office and flopped down into one of the chairs. Setting the embarrassing material down beside her lunch, she gave her colleague a small shrug.
"Just making sure I know the next chapter. They had to put Teresa on chloramphenicol. White blood cell count is really screwed now. Have to wear masks, scrubs, whole deal to visit. Can't take the book in with me."
"That's why you been so down? Worried about the kid?" Catherine asked kindly, watching as the younger woman nodded sadly. Catherine gave her a sympathetic smile; this had been a hell of a way for her to get in contact with her maternal instincts.
It was no wonder Grissom had sent her up on a decoy mission to check on her. It was clear she was very sad. Add the fact that Sara was avoiding the break room before shift and eating lunch at her desk, and Catherine was certain she was purposefully trying to avoid the others.
Physically, Sara appeared much as she did before the accident. Someone who didn't know her probably wouldn't notice anything was wrong. But there was a spark missing; she didn't have the energy or enthusiasm she'd had before.
"Rough day?" Sara asked, changing the subject when she realized she was being inspected. The diversionary tactic earned her a smile and a snort.
"Damn custody dispute! Mom and deadbeat boyfriend decided to stage a fake kidnapping attempt, trying to blame the father for it. Didn't give a shit that she scared her own kids half to death," Catherine fumed, letting out a hiss of air. "Some people should never be allowed to have children."
As she stretched, a flash of color on the file cabinet caught her attention. While an occasional stranger still approached Sara in public, the flood of gifts had finally dried out. Those were fresh. Keeping her expression neutral, she vowed to personally kill Grissom if he was responsible. "Nice flowers."
"Yeah. Jimmy again."
"Jimmy? Grad school advisor Jimmy?" Catherine blinked in confusion, before taking on a teasing air. "You have a thing for older professors?"
"No, Cath! It wasn't anything like that," Sara said, blushing slightly, but with a trace of a bashful smile.
"Uh, huh. And Jimmy just sends flowers to all his old students."
"Just the ones he feels guilty about," she said with a fleeting smile.
Catherine blinked again. While she knew the real reason behind Sara's blush, she had continued to tease her, trying to lift her spirits. That answer had been unexpected.
"Why would he feel guilty?"
"That he didn't do more to keep me in grad school."
Sara had given a diffident shrug as she answered. Catherine wasn't sure if it was because she didn't want to continue the conversation, but decided to cut straight to the chase.
"Why did you quit?"
"Got tired of the bureaucratic bullshit."
"You entered law-enforcement to get away from bureaucracy. Okay." Catherine shot her a disbelieving look. "What's the real reason?"
"Cath, it's complicated," Sara sighed. The blonde settled comfortably into her chair, the action not lost on her companion. "It really was bureaucratic. There was trouble with another student."
"Let me guess: he wasn't as smart as you?"
"Cath, the chalk was smarter than he was. He couldn't cut it. Blamed it on favoritism. I was the 'token' female, so he claimed all the professors took it easy on me."
"He didn't." The older woman could only imagine how that would have set Sara off.
"Oh, he did. Got real nasty about it. But he was a legacy; family gave a fortune to the school. When he saw he could get away with anything, it escalated. No, nothing like that," she said when a worried expression crossed Catherine's face. "We were doing a lot of theoretical modeling of materials. Mainly computer-based, but we did use a lot of chemicals to see if our materials reacted the way we predicted they would. He decided to try to sabotage one of my experiments."
"Did you get hurt?"
"No, but he nearly killed himself. Switched the bottles of chemicals and put hydrofluoric acid in a glass container. Idiot didn't even know that it can dissolve glass. He ended up in the hospital, had to call in haz-mat to clean out the building, and the school still tried to sweep it under the rug. That was about the time we had been helping out the L.A. police on that murder case. Made friends with one of their CSIs. Told me about an opening he had heard about in San Francisco. I took it. Jimmy always felt bad about the whole thing. He's brilliant, but he was terrified of the dean, so he never made waves."
"Why does he think you'd come back now?"
"He's the new dean. And he saw that first press conference where I said I might go back someday."
"Well, I hope you set him straight that you weren't!" Catherine's tone had been light, but when Sara refused to meet her eyes, she felt a twinge of nervousness.
"Was there something you needed?" Sara asked quickly, trying to sound friendly and not rude.
"Yeah, actually there is," Catherine said after a momentary pause. She had never realized that Sara was considering leaving the department. Grissom hadn't mentioned it, so it was unlikely he had any idea. As much as he would want to know, she doubted he'd handle the knowledge well. He was already having a hard time giving Sara the distance she needed.
"We're a little swamped and we were hoping you could give us a hand. Nick's running a burglary at a jewelry shop. Looks like one of the owners was cheating his partners, and 'stole' the merchandise to cover his tracks." She set a folder and a CD case on the end of the desk. "I've got copies of his business records from his laptop. When you finish lunch, could you check through them?"
"Sure," she said happily, moving to clear away the remains of her meal. When she caught the maternal glare Catherine gave her, she pointedly took another bite from the sandwich. Her appetite still wasn't up to normal, but she found she could force herself to eat several small meals throughout the day and had managed to regain her lost weight. "Don't even think about telling me I can't have dessert later."
Catherine smiled at the mock-threat. At least Sara seemed eager to help with this case. "That review have you bored yet?"
"A little. Conclusions pretty much what I suspected they would be when I started," she said sadly.
"Oh? You smarter than everybody else?" Catherine teased, trying to lighten the mood again.
"Hardly. I just have no life."
"What are you talking about?"
"I have no life. I voluntarily worked more hours than anyone else. If I maxed out on overtime and it was an important case, I'd work at home. I didn't have proportionally more cases than anyone else, so I had more time to dedicate to each."
"I doubt that's all of it," Catherine said.
"Some of it's manpower; mistakes get made when everyone's working too long without a break. That's not likely to change. Some of it's bad habits. Cases, especially minor ones like smash-and-grabs, that aren't likely to get solved don't get much attention. That makes them pretty much guaranteed to be unsolvable."
"I think you should give yourself more credit." Catherine said softly. The matter-of-fact manner Sara had used to describe herself had been a little unnerving. She used to joke about not having a life; now it came out as an indictment. "We're going to be glad to have you back."
Sara ignored the last comment and opened the folder to review the case as her laptop booted up. Catherine watched carefully, making no move to leave. "This'll take some time, Cath. I'll page Nicky when I'm done."
"Why aren't you coming back?"
The brunette dropped her head while letting out a long sigh. "I don't know that I'm not coming back. I don't know what I'm doing."
"Why don't you want to?"
"I never said I didn't want to," Sara said, trying to ignore the other woman. She let out another sigh when she realized Catherine wasn't going to take the hint to leave. "I don't know that I can."
"You still having flashbacks?"
"No, none recently."
"Then what's the problem?"
"I …"
Catherine could see the brunette was debating whether to carry on with the discussion. It would be better for her to talk, but she also knew that Sara was a private person and she was hardly her best friend. She decided to try reassurance.
"Look, Sara, I'm not here to push. But whatever's bothering you, trust me, it's better to get it off of your chest."
"Voice of experience?"
Catherine ignored the sarcastic tone. "I could be a choir. Never look back, never regret. That's been my motto. It's worked well for me."
"You've never really done anything wrong, then."
Catherine stared at her in astonishment. "You shittin' me? You do know who you're talking to, don't ya? I've done more than my share of dumb things. Really dumb things. What's the worst you ever did? Forget to get a library book back in time?"
"I think I killed a kid."
"Sara, what the hell are you talking about?" she whispered after a long pause.
She licked her lips nervously. Kane had assured her that her concerns about how her friends would react to this knowledge were misplaced, but until she actually saw the reactions, she'd never be certain. "The boy on the bus, Cath. I never checked for his pulse. I left him there."
"That's what you're beating yourself over?"
"You make it sound minor."
"He was dead, Sara. The autopsy showed that."
"I know."
"Then why are doing this to yourself?"
"You make it sound like I have a choice," Sara snorted. "I know that logically I didn't kill him. But emotionally, I think I left him behind to die. Cath, I … my whole memory of what happened in there is fuzzy. I'm not sure what happened. I … I'm afraid of what I'm going to do the next time. Not the next bus crash, but the next time I'm stressed like that. What I will forget to do; what I will screw up. I don't want to ruin a case, or put someone else in jeopardy."
The older woman leaned back in the chair and let out a deep breath. This explained why Sara was such a mess; it probably was also part of the reason why she was so desperately concerned about Teresa's condition. She wondered sadly how long it took someone to rebuild their self-confidence after this type of event, or what happens if they couldn't.
"Cath, I … I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell him about this."
"Him?" she asked innocently.
"You could have put those files on the network. There was no reason to personally deliver them other than to check up on me."
Catherine gave her a smile as she got up to leave. "Good to see that brain of yours is still working, kiddo. Don't worry. I won't talk."
"Thanks."
"Are you worried what Gil's going to think?" Catherine waited by the door until Sara gave a brief nod. "Don't. He won't think any less of you. All this, it's forced him to come out of that shell of his. I think he's finding out that it's not as bad outside as he thought it would be. Give him time, Sara, and I think you'll be able to coax him all the way out."
Sara gave her a brief smile before turning back to her work.