Chapter 35
It was another psychological ploy. Grissom recognized it, in fact, on some level he had been expecting it, but it still irked him. Maneuvering his shopping cart around another floor display, he wondered how many people were aware of these tricks grocery stores used to increase impulse buys.
This wasn't his normal store, but other errands had him in the area and he had run out of some essential supplies. He had thought he would save time stopping here instead of crossing town to his usual haunts, but it was taking longer than he had expected.
That seemed to be the story of his life at the moment.
Kane had insisted that meeting more than once a week wouldn't be productive, although Grissom had wanted more frequent visits. It had taken him years to become this isolated; he didn't want it to take years to improve. He wasn't sure he had that kind of time.
Besides his initial visit looking for information, he'd only seen Kane twice. Both sessions involved dwelling on experiences he'd rather not have recalled, let alone discuss. In return, he seemed to be getting little in the way of practical advice.
Right now, advice was something he desperately wanted. Short of some help with computer research, Sara had been reluctant to work on cases. Grissom was beginning to think that she had finally burnt out. It was something he feared would happen for years, but that didn't make it easier to face. If she didn't stay with the lab, he didn't know if she would be willing to stay in Las Vegas.
Grissom ignored those thoughts; he would deal with that if it came to pass. Scanning the shelves, he started when he caught site of Sara entering the aisle from the other end. He hadn't realized this was where she shopped; it wasn't close to her apartment, nor was it convenient to the lab. While he was glad to see her, he didn't know if the feelings would be reciprocated.
Grabbing a package from the shelf, he turned slightly so he was facing away from her and pretended to read the labeling. It may have been cowardly, but he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up, but he resisted the urge to turn around until he heard her teasing voice.
"Maybe you guys can stand the cheap single-ply stuff, but I can't. Too scratchy."
Grissom turned back to find Sara leaning against his cart, balancing her basket on the edge. He returned her smile, but had a puzzled look. That prompted her to point to the package of toilet paper in his hands. As realization struck, he wondered how he should respond to that personal tidbit. Settling on a shrug, he switched the package for his normal brand.
"Sorry. That was probably too much information," Sara said with a bashful smile. "Grissom, this is a public place. You don't have to hide from me. Not that I blame you, though."
"I wasn't hiding. Not from you. Not like that. I ... I'm babbling, aren't I?"
"A little. It's kinda cute," she said, her eyes twinkling as a gleeful expression crossed his face.
"I didn't know you shopped here," he said deliberately. 'Express an interest' was one piece of advice he had been given.
"They have a good selection of organic produce here," Sara answered.
"Organic?"
"I spent my formative years with hippies. Some of it was bound to rub off. And, yes, I do make my own salads," she said, a hint of challenge in her tone.
"I'm impressed. You didn't get the bagged greens," he teased as he examined her basket, trying to learn something about what she ate. Even after the hamburger incident, he hadn't really paid attention to her eating habits.
She smiled, but remained silent. After a moment, she shifted uncomfortably. Grissom worried he may have insulted her and was preparing to excuse himself, when she gave him a questioning look.
"Want to try an experiment?"
Grissom raised his eyebrows in curiosity. Normally, he loved conducting experiments, especially with Sara. Now, he found he was equally cautious and anxious.
"I guess it would depend on the experiment," he said gently.
"There's a snack area up front. We've been in close proximity for more than 60 seconds without me biting your head off. What to see if we go a bit longer?"
"I'd be interested in seeing the results."
"Let's see if you say the same thing in a few minutes," she replied sarcastically.
They picked up some coffee and settled into one of the small tables in the corner of the store. After another silent moment, Grissom decided to try another piece of advice: an honest compliment.
"You look ...," he said, suddenly unsure how to continue. He didn't want it to carry any unintended implications. 'Beautiful', while honest, probably wasn't a good choice. 'Nice' and 'well' were too impersonal. He never liked 'good'; on a bad day, did someone look 'evil'? When Sara looked at him expectantly, he blurted out "healthier" before dropping his head.
"Thanks," she chuckled. "I feel healthier. Look, Grissom, I want to apologize for that scene in my apartment."
"Sara, don't. I never should have come over."
"Are you ever going to just let me apologize?" she asked, but without any rancor. "I'm sorry. You caught me at a really bad time. Hadn't slept well in days. Got some really bad news the day before. And there were the drugs; that was a real sore point for me. Hoped I wouldn't have to go there."
Grissom watched her carefully as he thought out his response and how it would sound. He didn't want to point out that her mood swings weren't something she had any control over. She knew it and probably wouldn't appreciate it being brought up.
"I should have listened to you in the first place. I was worried."
"Okay. Thanks," Sara said evenly. "What?"
"What?" Grissom asked in return.
"You look like you want to ask me something."
"I do," he admitted. "I don't want to push."
"Go ahead. I'm in an amazingly non-violent mood today," she said lightly. "I reserve the right not to answer, though."
"How are you?" he asked quietly, leaning forward to give them a little more privacy.
"Been better. Been worse," she said in an equally low voice. "Nightmares aren't as bad. Haven't had a flashback in a while. Still don't have much of a life. I knew before that I didn't, but it was easier to ignore when I could bury myself in work."
Grissom watched her sadly, unsure of how to respond. He had warned her before that she needed some outside interests. He took no satisfaction in that; it was a shame it took such a tragic occurrence to drive the point home.
"Have you found something to fill the time?"
"Doc recommended I try yoga. Said it would be relaxing," she rolled her eyes. "That was just dumb. I think I stressed out the instructor. The gym had a kickboxing demo; tried that. Might sign up for it. Don't worry, you won't be a target."
He smiled briefly at the joke. "Catherine said you were visiting the girl from the accident. How is she doing?"
"Well, the doctors think they've managed to get the infection under control, but that it may have done some permanent damage. They're running tests today, or I'd be there now."
"I hope she gets well soon," he said kindly.
"So do I."
"What about hobbies? How's the bonsai coming?"
"I think it's dying. Probably over-pruned the roots," she said with a sigh. "Good thing I didn't go with the aquarium, huh?"
"Probably easier to over-prune a fish," he teased, then winced. That had sounded more amusing in his head. He had intended to lighten the mood. "Sorry. I'm still new to all this. I am trying."
"So I've heard," Sara said, leaning back to observe him.
"You sound surprised," he said, trying to keep his voice neutral.
"I guess I am. A little," she said, giving him a shy grin. "And flattered. A lot."
"Well, then," he said with his own smile.
Sara leaned back over the table, lowering her voice again. Grissom felt she seemed hesitant.
"Look, I told Kane not to give me any details. Don't worry. I ... I know how private you are."
He sipped his coffee slowly, using it was a stalling tactic. Her response was a little unsettling. Sara had been perfectly willing to waive her confidentiality for his benefit, and she valued her privacy as deeply as he did. It sounded like she doubted he was willing or capable of returning the trust.
"I told him he could, Sara. I want you to know I'm trying to change," he said slowly.
"But I don't want you to change."
"Why not?" Grissom asked in obvious confusion. Everyone had been telling him he had been too distant for years.
When she didn't answer immediately, he felt his unease rise. Had he been mistaken about Sara wanting to give him a chance?
Seeing him tense, Sara gave him a weak smile. It didn't reach her eyes. "You don't have to do this, Grissom. I know how uncomfortable it can be. I don't expect it; I don't need it. Besides, I … like … you the way you are," she said bashfully. "Don't do anything you don't want to do. Not for me."
"How about for me? I ... know ... I've become ... remote. It's not easy for me to trust people, on a personal level," he said slowly. "I want to trust you. It wasn't intentional, but it's gotten to the point that I hurt you."
"I understand why you didn't tell me about the surgery, Grissom, if that's what this is about. I never gave you a reason to doubt me, but I never gave you a reason to trust me, either. Don't sweat it."
"I want to do this," he repeated softly, watching as she gave a slightly more believable smile. Sensing that she was getting uncomfortable with the discussion, he stood up.
"You don't have to go," she said hesitantly.
"I don't want to push," he said gently. "I'm learning."
She finished her coffee and got up as well. "What do you think? About the experiment results."
Grissom cocked his head, as if considering the answer. "I'd say the early indications are promising. But you know, we really should repeat the experiment to verify the results."
Sara's smile was heart-felt this time.
It was another psychological ploy. Grissom recognized it, in fact, on some level he had been expecting it, but it still irked him. Maneuvering his shopping cart around another floor display, he wondered how many people were aware of these tricks grocery stores used to increase impulse buys.
This wasn't his normal store, but other errands had him in the area and he had run out of some essential supplies. He had thought he would save time stopping here instead of crossing town to his usual haunts, but it was taking longer than he had expected.
That seemed to be the story of his life at the moment.
Kane had insisted that meeting more than once a week wouldn't be productive, although Grissom had wanted more frequent visits. It had taken him years to become this isolated; he didn't want it to take years to improve. He wasn't sure he had that kind of time.
Besides his initial visit looking for information, he'd only seen Kane twice. Both sessions involved dwelling on experiences he'd rather not have recalled, let alone discuss. In return, he seemed to be getting little in the way of practical advice.
Right now, advice was something he desperately wanted. Short of some help with computer research, Sara had been reluctant to work on cases. Grissom was beginning to think that she had finally burnt out. It was something he feared would happen for years, but that didn't make it easier to face. If she didn't stay with the lab, he didn't know if she would be willing to stay in Las Vegas.
Grissom ignored those thoughts; he would deal with that if it came to pass. Scanning the shelves, he started when he caught site of Sara entering the aisle from the other end. He hadn't realized this was where she shopped; it wasn't close to her apartment, nor was it convenient to the lab. While he was glad to see her, he didn't know if the feelings would be reciprocated.
Grabbing a package from the shelf, he turned slightly so he was facing away from her and pretended to read the labeling. It may have been cowardly, but he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up, but he resisted the urge to turn around until he heard her teasing voice.
"Maybe you guys can stand the cheap single-ply stuff, but I can't. Too scratchy."
Grissom turned back to find Sara leaning against his cart, balancing her basket on the edge. He returned her smile, but had a puzzled look. That prompted her to point to the package of toilet paper in his hands. As realization struck, he wondered how he should respond to that personal tidbit. Settling on a shrug, he switched the package for his normal brand.
"Sorry. That was probably too much information," Sara said with a bashful smile. "Grissom, this is a public place. You don't have to hide from me. Not that I blame you, though."
"I wasn't hiding. Not from you. Not like that. I ... I'm babbling, aren't I?"
"A little. It's kinda cute," she said, her eyes twinkling as a gleeful expression crossed his face.
"I didn't know you shopped here," he said deliberately. 'Express an interest' was one piece of advice he had been given.
"They have a good selection of organic produce here," Sara answered.
"Organic?"
"I spent my formative years with hippies. Some of it was bound to rub off. And, yes, I do make my own salads," she said, a hint of challenge in her tone.
"I'm impressed. You didn't get the bagged greens," he teased as he examined her basket, trying to learn something about what she ate. Even after the hamburger incident, he hadn't really paid attention to her eating habits.
She smiled, but remained silent. After a moment, she shifted uncomfortably. Grissom worried he may have insulted her and was preparing to excuse himself, when she gave him a questioning look.
"Want to try an experiment?"
Grissom raised his eyebrows in curiosity. Normally, he loved conducting experiments, especially with Sara. Now, he found he was equally cautious and anxious.
"I guess it would depend on the experiment," he said gently.
"There's a snack area up front. We've been in close proximity for more than 60 seconds without me biting your head off. What to see if we go a bit longer?"
"I'd be interested in seeing the results."
"Let's see if you say the same thing in a few minutes," she replied sarcastically.
They picked up some coffee and settled into one of the small tables in the corner of the store. After another silent moment, Grissom decided to try another piece of advice: an honest compliment.
"You look ...," he said, suddenly unsure how to continue. He didn't want it to carry any unintended implications. 'Beautiful', while honest, probably wasn't a good choice. 'Nice' and 'well' were too impersonal. He never liked 'good'; on a bad day, did someone look 'evil'? When Sara looked at him expectantly, he blurted out "healthier" before dropping his head.
"Thanks," she chuckled. "I feel healthier. Look, Grissom, I want to apologize for that scene in my apartment."
"Sara, don't. I never should have come over."
"Are you ever going to just let me apologize?" she asked, but without any rancor. "I'm sorry. You caught me at a really bad time. Hadn't slept well in days. Got some really bad news the day before. And there were the drugs; that was a real sore point for me. Hoped I wouldn't have to go there."
Grissom watched her carefully as he thought out his response and how it would sound. He didn't want to point out that her mood swings weren't something she had any control over. She knew it and probably wouldn't appreciate it being brought up.
"I should have listened to you in the first place. I was worried."
"Okay. Thanks," Sara said evenly. "What?"
"What?" Grissom asked in return.
"You look like you want to ask me something."
"I do," he admitted. "I don't want to push."
"Go ahead. I'm in an amazingly non-violent mood today," she said lightly. "I reserve the right not to answer, though."
"How are you?" he asked quietly, leaning forward to give them a little more privacy.
"Been better. Been worse," she said in an equally low voice. "Nightmares aren't as bad. Haven't had a flashback in a while. Still don't have much of a life. I knew before that I didn't, but it was easier to ignore when I could bury myself in work."
Grissom watched her sadly, unsure of how to respond. He had warned her before that she needed some outside interests. He took no satisfaction in that; it was a shame it took such a tragic occurrence to drive the point home.
"Have you found something to fill the time?"
"Doc recommended I try yoga. Said it would be relaxing," she rolled her eyes. "That was just dumb. I think I stressed out the instructor. The gym had a kickboxing demo; tried that. Might sign up for it. Don't worry, you won't be a target."
He smiled briefly at the joke. "Catherine said you were visiting the girl from the accident. How is she doing?"
"Well, the doctors think they've managed to get the infection under control, but that it may have done some permanent damage. They're running tests today, or I'd be there now."
"I hope she gets well soon," he said kindly.
"So do I."
"What about hobbies? How's the bonsai coming?"
"I think it's dying. Probably over-pruned the roots," she said with a sigh. "Good thing I didn't go with the aquarium, huh?"
"Probably easier to over-prune a fish," he teased, then winced. That had sounded more amusing in his head. He had intended to lighten the mood. "Sorry. I'm still new to all this. I am trying."
"So I've heard," Sara said, leaning back to observe him.
"You sound surprised," he said, trying to keep his voice neutral.
"I guess I am. A little," she said, giving him a shy grin. "And flattered. A lot."
"Well, then," he said with his own smile.
Sara leaned back over the table, lowering her voice again. Grissom felt she seemed hesitant.
"Look, I told Kane not to give me any details. Don't worry. I ... I know how private you are."
He sipped his coffee slowly, using it was a stalling tactic. Her response was a little unsettling. Sara had been perfectly willing to waive her confidentiality for his benefit, and she valued her privacy as deeply as he did. It sounded like she doubted he was willing or capable of returning the trust.
"I told him he could, Sara. I want you to know I'm trying to change," he said slowly.
"But I don't want you to change."
"Why not?" Grissom asked in obvious confusion. Everyone had been telling him he had been too distant for years.
When she didn't answer immediately, he felt his unease rise. Had he been mistaken about Sara wanting to give him a chance?
Seeing him tense, Sara gave him a weak smile. It didn't reach her eyes. "You don't have to do this, Grissom. I know how uncomfortable it can be. I don't expect it; I don't need it. Besides, I … like … you the way you are," she said bashfully. "Don't do anything you don't want to do. Not for me."
"How about for me? I ... know ... I've become ... remote. It's not easy for me to trust people, on a personal level," he said slowly. "I want to trust you. It wasn't intentional, but it's gotten to the point that I hurt you."
"I understand why you didn't tell me about the surgery, Grissom, if that's what this is about. I never gave you a reason to doubt me, but I never gave you a reason to trust me, either. Don't sweat it."
"I want to do this," he repeated softly, watching as she gave a slightly more believable smile. Sensing that she was getting uncomfortable with the discussion, he stood up.
"You don't have to go," she said hesitantly.
"I don't want to push," he said gently. "I'm learning."
She finished her coffee and got up as well. "What do you think? About the experiment results."
Grissom cocked his head, as if considering the answer. "I'd say the early indications are promising. But you know, we really should repeat the experiment to verify the results."
Sara's smile was heart-felt this time.