Chapter 36
As she pulled into the lab parking lot that evening, Sara felt less stressed than she had since before accident. Professionally, her life was still a mess; she doubted she would be returning to her old job, at least not any time soon. As for her personal life, she hadn't felt this optimistic since she first came to Las Vegas.
If someone had told her just a month ago that Grissom would be talking to a psychologist, Sara doubted she would have believed it. If they had added it was for her benefit, she was certain she would have laughed. Now that she knew it was true, it confused her, but in pleasant ways.
As did Grissom.
She smiled as she thought of him. Sara didn't mind his privacy. It was part of what made Grissom the man he was. She neither needed nor wanted him singing to her in the lab's break room or hiring an aerial writer to announce his feelings to all of Clark County. What hurt was the inconsistency, the offering of hope, then the retraction. He would give her just enough emotional rope with which to hang herself when he eventually pulled back.
That he recognized that he had hurt her and was trying to improve touched her deeply. It also gave her hope in the direction her life was heading. She had been worried how Grissom would react if she left. This gave her confidence he would understand why she needed to get away for a little while.
The incident with Hunter Lawrence had shattered her self-confidence. If she could overlook something as basic as checking for a pulse, she worried what other mistakes she might make. Forensics wasn't a field where mistakes could be taken lightly.
Even a lab position wasn't safe. The general public didn't realize how delicate evidence could be, or how easily it could be contaminated. Many of the tests they ran were destructive and it wasn't uncommon for them to have only enough material to run one series of tests. The consequences of a mistake could be severe: a child rapist could go free or an innocent man could get a life sentence.
Sara didn't want either on her conscience.
Computer evidence didn't bother her. They worked with copies of the files and even those could be recovered if there was an accident. But she wasn't an expert in the field and there wasn't enough work she could do that would justify a full-time position.
Kane had said her confidence would return gradually, and had recommended she take a break before making any final decisions. Sara hoped he was right. She did miss the work; it held a challenge and provided a level of satisfaction she doubted she'd find on another job.
When she wrapped up her reviews, she was considering spending an extended vacation with her parents. Originally, she had worried that Grissom would see her leaving as a failure on her part, or as running away. Or abandoning him. Now, she was sure that he would accept it, if not completely understand it.
In the back of her mind, she also considered asking him to join her towards the end of visit. Right now, she knew she wasn't in a position to be in a relationship. It would be one-sided; she could take, but she didn't have anything to offer. As much as she wanted him, as much as she needed him, Sara wouldn't use Grissom.
But if all went well on the vacation, the time away from the lab could give her the perspective she needed to get herself together. If he joined her, they would have a chance to get closer without the pressures of hiding it from the others or the constant interruptions from work.
A wistful expression settled on her face as she crossed the parking lot. As she approached the building, she recognized Tim Malley standing in front. He was one of the many deputies who flirted with her at crime scenes. She called out a friendly greeting, but noticed he seemed nervous as she came closer.
"Sorry, Sara, but you've been served," he said quietly, pressing the folded papers into her hand before quickly leaving the scene.
She stared at the subpoena.
~~~~~
Grissom was heading back to his office with a cup of coffee when he saw a shocked-looking Sara walking down the hallway. He called her name softly, prompting her to look up from the papers in her hand. She gave a subtle shake of her head as she passed. He nodded in return and pointed towards his office.
"If you need anything," he said softly.
She returned the nod before entering the locker room.
When Catherine entered the room a few minutes later, she found Sara sitting on the bench reading. She called out a friendly greeting which was returned automatically, but without any feeling. Turning to watch her closer, Catherine recognized the legal documents.
"What's up?"
"I've been subpoenaed. About the accident."
"Who's suing?" Catherine asked cautiously. Had one of the dead children's parents decided to sue Sara? Nevada had Good Samaritan laws; any suit against Sara would be without merit, but grief-striken parents weren't the most logical people.
"Families of a bunch of the kids. They're suing the truck driver's insurance, the company that hired him and the school district," she said softly. "They want my testimony. I'm a witness"
Catherine took a seat beside her. Sara seemed almost in a state of shock, but it quickly morphed into anger. After a moment, she turned to look at the older woman.
"Cath, I don't think I can testify. I … if I have to relive that … in court … I don't think I can do it."
"It's okay …"
"What do you mean it's okay? I can't do this!" Sara suddenly exclaimed, jumping up to slam the lockers. "Cath, this is it. This kills my career. I don't have to worry if I can return."
"Look, sweetie, don't worry about …"
"That's easy for you to say! It's not your life! If I testify, I'll probably break down. My credibility is shot. If I don't testify, I go to jail for contempt. That ends my career. I can't lie and say I don't remember. It's perjury and I wouldn't be very credible if I couldn't remember something like this."
"Sara, calm down. You don't have to testify …"
"What do you …"
"You aren't thinking this through!" Catherine finally yelled to get her attention. "Sorry. Look, Sara, you don't have to testify. Not yet, anyway. Probably never. Right now, you have to be deposed. That's it; you just have to answer the lawyers' questions about what happened."
Sara took a deep breath and settled back on the bench.
"They don't have to be present when you answer. You can have your own lawyer read the questions, that way you can control the session. If it gets to be too much, just take a break to calm down. Insist on a court reporter to transcribe it; don't have it videotaped. That way, the other attorneys won't know how you react, just your words."
Catherine reached over to rub her arm.
"Don't use departmental representation. Get your own attorney for this, understand? Screw privilege. I've seen those guys grabbing a drink after work. They talk about cases, even if they don't mention names. Someone could figure out they're talking about you. You don't want this getting back to the lab."
Sara nodded. "Okay. You're right."
Catherine reached for her purse and started rummaging through it. After a moment she pulled out a business card. "Do you have your own attorney? Here. Maureen Chambers. She handled my stuff with Eddie. If you don't like her, she can recommend someone else. She works strictly civil matters and she's discreet as hell. This won't get back to work."
"Thanks."
"Listen, they'll probably grill you about what happened on the bus with the deposition questions. Be ready for it, but that'll probably never come up in court. It would be considered prejudicial. The odds are you're never going to have to testify. Witnesses rarely do."
"With my luck? I'll have to testify," Sara said hotly.
"Don't count on it. They are going after the people with the big money. Those people have lots of lawyers. This will either be settled out of court quickly, or it will be years before it ever reaches court."
"God, Cath, I thought this was over. Now it's going to be years before all the legal hassles are through. Shit! I hate this."
The blonde gave her a sympathetic shrug. "You wanna take the night off? Get some rest?"
"No," she said firmly. Sara thanked her again, and left the locker room quickly, forcing herself to stay calm.
Damn! She had thought this was behind her, that she was getting some control over her emotional outbursts, but right now it was taking all her control not to storm down the hallway. As much as wanted to retreat to the safety of her office, she needed to find Grissom. She could tell that he had been worried earlier. If she wasn't so upset, that thought would have made Sara smile.
As she came down the hallway, she watched in confusion as he walked towards his office with a cup of coffee. Hadn't he just gotten one?
"Apparatus," he said softly, ushering her into his office. "In case you want to repeat our experiment."
"You may want to rethink that offer. Your test subject is pretty pissed off right now."
"What's wrong?" he asked, closing the door behind them.
Despite her anger, Sara couldn't resist smiling at his courage. She took the coffee and walked over to examine his shelves. "Got served on the way into work"
"Civil litigation?"
"Yeah. Witness. Don't know why it surprises me. Damn lawyers are worse than reporters! They don't even know what caused the accident, and they are already suing. Dammit!"
Grissom watched carefully. He could tell from her voice that she was trying to stay calm, but was uncertain what to do. As she began to fiddle with books on the shelves, he walked slowly towards her.
"I hate this! God, it was just a few minutes of my life. I just want to forget it. How many times am I going to have to relive this? Damn. Look at me. Can you imagine what I'll be like on the stand if I have to testify?" Sara asked with a dark laugh. "I'll make the lab look real good."
"Don't worry about the lab. That's not important now."
Sara turned around when she heard the soft voice beside her. Grissom was standing nearby, but keeping a discreet distance. She wasn't sure which surprised her more: what he said or the amount of compassion he used in saying it.
"Don't worry about testifying. Even if you get called, and that's not likely, it will probably be years from now. You'll be able to handle it, Sara. Don't worry," he repeated calmly.
"You know, it's to the point I wished I never stopped. That I never went on that bus. God, what type of person does that make me?" Sara said angrily.
"Human."
She let out a disgusted snort, half-wishing he wouldn't be so supportive right now. "Yeah, a selfish one."
"Just human," he repeated softly. "You've done nothing wrong. It was a terrible incident, Sara, and no one can blame you for wishing it never happened. We both know that you would still have helped, even if you had known in advance what it would do to you."
"I wish I could believe that," she whispered, her voice cracking.
Grissom's hand was rubbing her back before he realized what he was doing. Before he could pull back, Sara set down her coffee, turned towards him and stepped closer. He could see her eyes watering as she fought to retain control.
"God, Grissom, I just want this to end. I want to move on," she said softly as their eyes locked. "I want …"
He couldn't make out the rest of her statement as she buried her face in his neck. As he wrapped his other arm around her, his mind screamed for him to step back. She was upset, but still needed time. When he felt her hot tears, Grissom pulled her closer, ignoring the inner voice that was warning him that this wasn't safe.
"Hey, Gil, just want to give you a heads up …" Catherine paused as she cracked the door open and saw the embrace. Sara quickly pulled back, swearing softly before heading out of the room. Wiping at her tears, she nearly collided with Warrick and Greg as they turned the corner. Ignoring their calls, she headed for the privacy of the stairwell. She didn't see the three evil glares directed back towards Grissom, who now stood beside Catherine in the doorway.
"Smart, Grissom, real smart," Catherine muttered before spinning around and heading for the break room.
Crossing back to his desk, he sank slowly into his chair and rubbed his temples. Glancing at the stacks of paperwork, he worried how soon it would be before people began requesting transfers to the day shift - or plotting his imminent demise.
As she pulled into the lab parking lot that evening, Sara felt less stressed than she had since before accident. Professionally, her life was still a mess; she doubted she would be returning to her old job, at least not any time soon. As for her personal life, she hadn't felt this optimistic since she first came to Las Vegas.
If someone had told her just a month ago that Grissom would be talking to a psychologist, Sara doubted she would have believed it. If they had added it was for her benefit, she was certain she would have laughed. Now that she knew it was true, it confused her, but in pleasant ways.
As did Grissom.
She smiled as she thought of him. Sara didn't mind his privacy. It was part of what made Grissom the man he was. She neither needed nor wanted him singing to her in the lab's break room or hiring an aerial writer to announce his feelings to all of Clark County. What hurt was the inconsistency, the offering of hope, then the retraction. He would give her just enough emotional rope with which to hang herself when he eventually pulled back.
That he recognized that he had hurt her and was trying to improve touched her deeply. It also gave her hope in the direction her life was heading. She had been worried how Grissom would react if she left. This gave her confidence he would understand why she needed to get away for a little while.
The incident with Hunter Lawrence had shattered her self-confidence. If she could overlook something as basic as checking for a pulse, she worried what other mistakes she might make. Forensics wasn't a field where mistakes could be taken lightly.
Even a lab position wasn't safe. The general public didn't realize how delicate evidence could be, or how easily it could be contaminated. Many of the tests they ran were destructive and it wasn't uncommon for them to have only enough material to run one series of tests. The consequences of a mistake could be severe: a child rapist could go free or an innocent man could get a life sentence.
Sara didn't want either on her conscience.
Computer evidence didn't bother her. They worked with copies of the files and even those could be recovered if there was an accident. But she wasn't an expert in the field and there wasn't enough work she could do that would justify a full-time position.
Kane had said her confidence would return gradually, and had recommended she take a break before making any final decisions. Sara hoped he was right. She did miss the work; it held a challenge and provided a level of satisfaction she doubted she'd find on another job.
When she wrapped up her reviews, she was considering spending an extended vacation with her parents. Originally, she had worried that Grissom would see her leaving as a failure on her part, or as running away. Or abandoning him. Now, she was sure that he would accept it, if not completely understand it.
In the back of her mind, she also considered asking him to join her towards the end of visit. Right now, she knew she wasn't in a position to be in a relationship. It would be one-sided; she could take, but she didn't have anything to offer. As much as she wanted him, as much as she needed him, Sara wouldn't use Grissom.
But if all went well on the vacation, the time away from the lab could give her the perspective she needed to get herself together. If he joined her, they would have a chance to get closer without the pressures of hiding it from the others or the constant interruptions from work.
A wistful expression settled on her face as she crossed the parking lot. As she approached the building, she recognized Tim Malley standing in front. He was one of the many deputies who flirted with her at crime scenes. She called out a friendly greeting, but noticed he seemed nervous as she came closer.
"Sorry, Sara, but you've been served," he said quietly, pressing the folded papers into her hand before quickly leaving the scene.
She stared at the subpoena.
~~~~~
Grissom was heading back to his office with a cup of coffee when he saw a shocked-looking Sara walking down the hallway. He called her name softly, prompting her to look up from the papers in her hand. She gave a subtle shake of her head as she passed. He nodded in return and pointed towards his office.
"If you need anything," he said softly.
She returned the nod before entering the locker room.
When Catherine entered the room a few minutes later, she found Sara sitting on the bench reading. She called out a friendly greeting which was returned automatically, but without any feeling. Turning to watch her closer, Catherine recognized the legal documents.
"What's up?"
"I've been subpoenaed. About the accident."
"Who's suing?" Catherine asked cautiously. Had one of the dead children's parents decided to sue Sara? Nevada had Good Samaritan laws; any suit against Sara would be without merit, but grief-striken parents weren't the most logical people.
"Families of a bunch of the kids. They're suing the truck driver's insurance, the company that hired him and the school district," she said softly. "They want my testimony. I'm a witness"
Catherine took a seat beside her. Sara seemed almost in a state of shock, but it quickly morphed into anger. After a moment, she turned to look at the older woman.
"Cath, I don't think I can testify. I … if I have to relive that … in court … I don't think I can do it."
"It's okay …"
"What do you mean it's okay? I can't do this!" Sara suddenly exclaimed, jumping up to slam the lockers. "Cath, this is it. This kills my career. I don't have to worry if I can return."
"Look, sweetie, don't worry about …"
"That's easy for you to say! It's not your life! If I testify, I'll probably break down. My credibility is shot. If I don't testify, I go to jail for contempt. That ends my career. I can't lie and say I don't remember. It's perjury and I wouldn't be very credible if I couldn't remember something like this."
"Sara, calm down. You don't have to testify …"
"What do you …"
"You aren't thinking this through!" Catherine finally yelled to get her attention. "Sorry. Look, Sara, you don't have to testify. Not yet, anyway. Probably never. Right now, you have to be deposed. That's it; you just have to answer the lawyers' questions about what happened."
Sara took a deep breath and settled back on the bench.
"They don't have to be present when you answer. You can have your own lawyer read the questions, that way you can control the session. If it gets to be too much, just take a break to calm down. Insist on a court reporter to transcribe it; don't have it videotaped. That way, the other attorneys won't know how you react, just your words."
Catherine reached over to rub her arm.
"Don't use departmental representation. Get your own attorney for this, understand? Screw privilege. I've seen those guys grabbing a drink after work. They talk about cases, even if they don't mention names. Someone could figure out they're talking about you. You don't want this getting back to the lab."
Sara nodded. "Okay. You're right."
Catherine reached for her purse and started rummaging through it. After a moment she pulled out a business card. "Do you have your own attorney? Here. Maureen Chambers. She handled my stuff with Eddie. If you don't like her, she can recommend someone else. She works strictly civil matters and she's discreet as hell. This won't get back to work."
"Thanks."
"Listen, they'll probably grill you about what happened on the bus with the deposition questions. Be ready for it, but that'll probably never come up in court. It would be considered prejudicial. The odds are you're never going to have to testify. Witnesses rarely do."
"With my luck? I'll have to testify," Sara said hotly.
"Don't count on it. They are going after the people with the big money. Those people have lots of lawyers. This will either be settled out of court quickly, or it will be years before it ever reaches court."
"God, Cath, I thought this was over. Now it's going to be years before all the legal hassles are through. Shit! I hate this."
The blonde gave her a sympathetic shrug. "You wanna take the night off? Get some rest?"
"No," she said firmly. Sara thanked her again, and left the locker room quickly, forcing herself to stay calm.
Damn! She had thought this was behind her, that she was getting some control over her emotional outbursts, but right now it was taking all her control not to storm down the hallway. As much as wanted to retreat to the safety of her office, she needed to find Grissom. She could tell that he had been worried earlier. If she wasn't so upset, that thought would have made Sara smile.
As she came down the hallway, she watched in confusion as he walked towards his office with a cup of coffee. Hadn't he just gotten one?
"Apparatus," he said softly, ushering her into his office. "In case you want to repeat our experiment."
"You may want to rethink that offer. Your test subject is pretty pissed off right now."
"What's wrong?" he asked, closing the door behind them.
Despite her anger, Sara couldn't resist smiling at his courage. She took the coffee and walked over to examine his shelves. "Got served on the way into work"
"Civil litigation?"
"Yeah. Witness. Don't know why it surprises me. Damn lawyers are worse than reporters! They don't even know what caused the accident, and they are already suing. Dammit!"
Grissom watched carefully. He could tell from her voice that she was trying to stay calm, but was uncertain what to do. As she began to fiddle with books on the shelves, he walked slowly towards her.
"I hate this! God, it was just a few minutes of my life. I just want to forget it. How many times am I going to have to relive this? Damn. Look at me. Can you imagine what I'll be like on the stand if I have to testify?" Sara asked with a dark laugh. "I'll make the lab look real good."
"Don't worry about the lab. That's not important now."
Sara turned around when she heard the soft voice beside her. Grissom was standing nearby, but keeping a discreet distance. She wasn't sure which surprised her more: what he said or the amount of compassion he used in saying it.
"Don't worry about testifying. Even if you get called, and that's not likely, it will probably be years from now. You'll be able to handle it, Sara. Don't worry," he repeated calmly.
"You know, it's to the point I wished I never stopped. That I never went on that bus. God, what type of person does that make me?" Sara said angrily.
"Human."
She let out a disgusted snort, half-wishing he wouldn't be so supportive right now. "Yeah, a selfish one."
"Just human," he repeated softly. "You've done nothing wrong. It was a terrible incident, Sara, and no one can blame you for wishing it never happened. We both know that you would still have helped, even if you had known in advance what it would do to you."
"I wish I could believe that," she whispered, her voice cracking.
Grissom's hand was rubbing her back before he realized what he was doing. Before he could pull back, Sara set down her coffee, turned towards him and stepped closer. He could see her eyes watering as she fought to retain control.
"God, Grissom, I just want this to end. I want to move on," she said softly as their eyes locked. "I want …"
He couldn't make out the rest of her statement as she buried her face in his neck. As he wrapped his other arm around her, his mind screamed for him to step back. She was upset, but still needed time. When he felt her hot tears, Grissom pulled her closer, ignoring the inner voice that was warning him that this wasn't safe.
"Hey, Gil, just want to give you a heads up …" Catherine paused as she cracked the door open and saw the embrace. Sara quickly pulled back, swearing softly before heading out of the room. Wiping at her tears, she nearly collided with Warrick and Greg as they turned the corner. Ignoring their calls, she headed for the privacy of the stairwell. She didn't see the three evil glares directed back towards Grissom, who now stood beside Catherine in the doorway.
"Smart, Grissom, real smart," Catherine muttered before spinning around and heading for the break room.
Crossing back to his desk, he sank slowly into his chair and rubbed his temples. Glancing at the stacks of paperwork, he worried how soon it would be before people began requesting transfers to the day shift - or plotting his imminent demise.