A/N: I'm reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
sssssssoooowwwwwwwwwyyyyyy for the delay!! Sowy! Sowy! Sowy! But I just had
nothing coming to me in mind! Oh god, seriously, and I didn't feel like
typing anything lately!! Duh, it's summer vacation!!!! Whoo hoo!!!!! But I
hope u like this chapter, as I didn't write anything for a lo0o0o0o0o0ong
time and I kinda forgot how evil Melda is!!
GO SEE PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT KICKS A$$!!! :p
Thank u so much for the reviews!! Thank u!!
*~*
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN (Um...I think I got lost in the chapters...)
*~*Aragorn's POV*~*
We ate our cold breakfast quietly. One of us would shoot a quick glance at the sleeping figure on the floor from time to time. That figure was the most unholy-- most evil of all living creatures.
If I say that out loud, I would probably be reminded by the others that Sauron was the one who was the most evil on all of Middle-Earth-- but seriously, being next to Melda, I'm beginning to forget all about him. Beginning to forget what my mission is. Right now, my real mission is to get away from her as far as I possibly can.
You may think it's impossible for someone to be this annoying but--no... You're dead wrong. I have never met anyone more disrespectful, rude, ill manered than her. She shows a bad example for us humans. I want to teach her a lesson, to make her stop this stupidity of hers, but I can't! I'm a future noble king, I cannot hurt a woman...Legolas on the other hand. He doesn't care whatsoever that he's the prince of Mirkwood. The two fight battle. Who will win? I do not know-- though my bets are on Melda.
I did not know what time of the day it was but we stopped and made camp in this immense hall. I couldn't sleep--too busy watching my back, but to my surprise, Melda had done nothing.
I heard movements coming from her direction; so, she had finally woken up.
"Damn!" Merry muttered, snapping his fingers. He made Gandalf promise him that if she doesn't wake up by the time we finish eating breakfast, we would leave her there and continue the journey without her.
Melda sat up, stretched her arms, yawned, scratched her butt and (for the Gods' sake!) began picking her nose and whipping her boogers on the stone floor. We all stared in disgust.
"WHAT!?" She barked. I looked at the piece of bread I was holding and, still disgusted, threw it on the floor. I lost my appetite.
She began feeling her hair, it was very oily and then began picking at a spot on her chin. She sighed in frustration and began muttering in what I think was..uhm, Arabic...I think...?
"Do you want me to be honest with you?" Legolas said suddenly.
"Ba?" Melda asked.
"I'll be honest;" Legolas smiled. "You look just as bad as you feel."
She gestured him a sign with her middle finger. Hmm...I wonder what THAT means. Perhaps a sarcastic 'Good morning to you too'. Legolas ignored it and gave his piece of bread to Pippin who squealed with delight at the generosity.
She got up and sat next to Legolas and me with a growl. The scent of a person who did not have a bath in a long time reach my nostrils (A/N: Or did he just finally smell himself...?) and I grimaced.
Legolas stared at her in disgust, "Dear Valar...look at you. Has anyone else been in the accident?"
Melda stared back at him, her bloodshot eyes flashing and the dark circles beneath them made her look frightening, "Shut up. And I suppose you need a license to be that ugly?"
"What? I'm just saying every girl has the right to be ugly...but you just abused that privilege!!"
"ENOUGH!!!" Yelled Gandalf as he picked up a piece of bread, his voice echoed in the grand hall.
The two just stared at the ground in silence, but then I heard Melda muttering, "Hey Legsy, can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday..."
Legolas opened his mouth to say something back but Gandalf glared at him and began giving warnings in Elvish.
"B-but she started it!!!!" He pointed an accusing finger.
"If you're the prince I've heard of in the many songs of Mirkwood, I expect you to behave the way they said you should usually behave." Gandalf retorted.
I agreed. I mean, sure Melda is a crazy filthy woman, but doesn't Legolas think he has a reputation to uphold? She just wants to bring him down...
We finished eating in silence, packed up our belongings, and continued our journey on. I heard Melda slide next to Frodo. I sighed...what was she going to do this time?
She sighed happily, for some reason. "I feel refreshed after that long nap. Makes me in a happy mood for a couple of minutes..."
Frodo nodded, avoiding eye contact as if she was some kind of monster who would attack you if your eyes meet.
"Say...how come you don't sing like you usually do when your journeying?" She asked casually, her hands behind her back.
"We must keep quite, incase of goblins..." Frodo said, barley above a whisper.
"I got a good song!!" Melda shrieked as if she didn't hear what Frodo just said. She crept up behind the poor hobbit and wrapped her fingers eerily around his shoulder like a sea monster's tentacles and began whispering in a strange tune. "Itsy bitsy Nazgul, went up one rainy day..."
Frodo shuddered, "Stop it."
"Stabbed the little hobbit, and took the ring away..."
"STOP IT!" Frodo pressed. But Melda wasn't listening as usual.
"Once the little hobbit was...AHHHHHH!!!" She screamed all of a sudden loudly on purpose.
That took everyone buy surprise, but not more than Pippin and Frodo. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" They screamed in fright.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Then the three of them broke off together.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! !!" Gandalf then screamed in rage, he took his staff and whacked everybody around him, Melda, twice on the head. "Don't you ever shut up you bloody pest!?"
"NEVER!!!" Melda screamed dramatically. "You're wack, man."
"Shut up, or I'll whack you again."
"You're so wack, you're gonna whack me because I called you a wack, when you know that you're a wack?"
"Yes, I'm going to whack you because you called me a wack, even when I know you're wack." Gandalf clenched his teeth.
"Would you stop with the whole wack thing? It's not even funny." Boromir said.
"Please hear me oh Gods above," I said as we continued walking with Melda humming her annoying tune again. Legolas walked beside me and began whispering something to me, well away from earshot.
"I found something to get Melda back;" He said as he pulled out a jar from his bag. It was full of ants. "Let us put it down her pants, Aragorn..."
I glared at him, "Legolas, we're not here to play games. We're on a quest to destroy the evil ring of doom."
Legolas stared at me with huge blue puppy dog eyes and I knew that if I refuse, he will resort the his adorable pout where he--I closed my eyes- must-think-straight!!
"Pwease, Aragorn. Just ONE trick...get her back...?"
So I just sighed and he jumped happily. Melda looked suspiciously at us but we kept acting normally until she began humming loudly again.
Legolas pranced up quietly behind her, after we've made a plan and I came in front of her. "Uh...you're shoelaces are untied..."
She looked at her feet and raised her eyebrows. "So?"
I looked at Legolas behind her and he shrugged. We expected her to bend down and tie them. "Well, um...hey! You've got ants in your pants!!!!"
"Uh-huh..." She said in a cranky tone. "Har har, very funny."
"Look, you do!!" I said, Legolas smacked his head and finally decided to unscrew the jar.
"Ok, listen, you're jokes are really stupid. I don't know if you would consider them to be hilarious her in middle-land, whatever you call it, and I don't even wanna bother finding out, so sod off if you don't want me to rip off the remaining hairs of yours."
I was about to leave when Legolas finally poured the ants down her leather pants which she wore when we first met. She stood there frozen. She turned around and suddenly slapped Legolas so hard he that he swayed a little.
Her face turned red and she began cursing all sorts of words as she ran around.
We couldn't help but laugh at her sight, even Legolas who had a huge red mark on his right cheek. Melda began scratching her butt madly. "THAT WAS NOT FUNNY!! YOU STUPID FUCKERS!!! IF YOU WANNA DO A PRANK, DO A DECENT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She began cursing even more.
"S-shut up!!" Gandalf hissed, between fits of laughter. "The creatures in the cave will hear us!!!"
We decided to stop for a rest right where we stood and Melda who began massaging her butt by rubbing it back an forth on a sharp rock, gave us the worst death-glare we've seen yet. She finally decided to run behind a pillar and change into her white shorts.
*~*~*BACK TO ME TELLING THE STORY!!!*~*~*
"Oh...they're gonna get it..." Melda muttered as picked up her leather pants and tried to rid it from the ants (Look! I'm rhyming!!)
"So, they wanna play rough, eh?" She looked at her bag and suddenly remembered something. She dived upon it and began pulling everything out and finally found what she was looking for: a large blue bottle.
"How could've I forgot!! This is my best prank tool !!" She opened the bottle of white powder and smelled it. It was extra- effective laxative powder. The prank she always pulled once every month on her teachers who would sip on their infected coffee and suddenly in the middle of class, they dash out of the classroom to a nearby bathroom and wouldn't come out till a day or so.
Melda smiled evilly and peered at the fellowship who were talking and laughing, Frodo looking around anxiously for Gollumn and Gimli, sniffing occasionally so that someone would pay attention to him.
Melda slithered quietly up to Gandlaf's back and snatched the water-skin they all shared and poured a huge amount of lax powder in it. She quickly returned the bottle in her bag and pretended she was coming back from changing.
They all grinned at her. "I hope you got all rid of those ants, Melda," Merry said sarcastically. She smiled at him in an evil way and said nothing then she stared at Gandalf and began doing her act.
"Gandalf, I'm really thirsty. I wanna drink. Please, give me some of your water."
Gandalf laughed sardonically, "HA! You wish! Drink the water you filled with tadpoles! You have nine water skins full of them!"
So, just as she had planned, he picked up his water-skin and began drinking from it in front of Melda. Pretending to be deeply enjoying it, "Ahh! Mm! That was good! Clear water!!"
And much to Melda's satisfaction, Sam snatched the water-skin and began drinking too, then the other...and the other...and the other. All of them pretended to enjoy drinking it so they can make her feel bad, and so she pretended to have a look of disappointment on her face, but ,mentally, had a huge goofy grin on her face.
"Well," Said Aragorn as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "We better get going, mustn't lose anytime."
Just when they finished packing, they all heard some weird sound coming out of Gandalf's stomach. He doubled as his eyes bulged, there was the same sound. "I-I...think I need t-to..." Gandalf grunted but hurried behind a pillar before he could finish his sentence. They heard him cry out in relief. Melda chocked on laughter as the others looked at her suspiciously.
Then the same happened to the hobbits, then Aragorn and soon everyone was behind different pillars as the effect of the laxative started working. They all realized that Melda had done something to their water and they were all cursing and yelling at her, though as her response, they received howls of laughter.
"Man! What did you guys eat!! It smells like you had 20 bowls of chili in a row!!!" She said, fanning the smell away with her hand.
"You are REALLY going to get it this time, Melda." Legolas said hoarsely as he emerged from behind a pillar, his face really pale and full of sweat. "I swear, even if I am a prince, I will--" He ran back to the pillar.
After two hours and 15 minutes, the fellowship came back to the spot, all shivering and wax-faced. They all glared at Melda who took a piece of cloth to cover her nose and mouth from the nauseating, over-powering smell that was sure to have wiped all the goblins and insects living in the mine.
Even the Balrog who was reading a book on 'An idiot's guide on how to make friends without scaring them with your huge whip and smoke wings' quietly in his home picked up the scent and almost fainted.
"This is truly embarrassing..." Muttered Legolas as he clutched his stomach. "Please, let us get out of here fast."
But it was taking them such a long time because one of them would regularly slip away so they can do their...ahem... 'toilettage'.
Finally, the Balrog, who got quite irritated from this strange force of smell that was slowly forming a clan to take over the world, put his book down, got up from his seat and began looking for the traces of the smell.
"Gandalf, I think I need another go..." Gimli muttered.
Gandalf sighed, "But do you not want to see what is inside that room? Your cousin's dead."
"HE IS?!?" Gimli began crying but decided to bother himself with that later rather than soil himself...
Red flames were illuminating the corners of the dark walls and they heard thunderous footsteps coming closer.
"Oh dear Elbereth..." Gandalf muttered. "It's coming after us..."
"Hey--aren't we supposed to fight goblins first?" Sam said as he picked up a frying pan.
"No, you killed them all with the smell, remember?" Melda sniggered.
Boromir growled then yelled, "RUN!!!"
They RAN.
The ran, or in Legsy's case, nanced back to the immense hall and then arrived to the bridge of Kazadûm where Gandalf would meet his fate.
"HOW DARE YOU DISTURB THE FRESH AIR I LIVED ON FOR MANY YEARS!?" The Balrog bellowed as it bared its whip "FOR I SHALL INFORM YOU, YOUR SCENT IS IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW SABOTAGING IT!! I TOLD THEM NOT TO WRIGHT ON THE WALL BUT THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME AND SOME OF THE SENIORS ARE PLAYING LIMBO WITH MY POKING STICK!!!!"
"Wha...?" Melda gaped. "This wasn't supposed to happen!!!"
The others jumped off the breaking staircase, with Melda following close by, repeating the same thing as the Balrog complained some more. But something unfortunate happened; the diarrhea was back and that left the fellowship running with their hands clamped upon their butts.
"OH YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE TILL YOU BREW ME AN AIR-FRESHENING POTION, WIZARD!!!" The Balrog yelled.
Gandalf turned back to face the monster, proud and tall with one hand on the staff and the other on his butt, holding himself.
"Brew you a potion?" He said. "No, no. I am not that kind of wizard. I'm afraid you are mistaking me for Dumbledore. If you want to, I can go to the future and inform him about this situation and he can call Professor Severus Snape to brew that potion for you with a touch of glittering Daisies with the help of Professor Flitwick's charms--"
"SHUT UP!!" Roared the Balrog. He cracked his whip and it caught hold of Gandalf's leg and pulled the wizard up to him, but Gandalf accidentally let out an enormous fart which caused an explosion with the Balrog's flames.
"Gaaaaaaaaaannnnndaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllfffffffffffffffffff ffffffffffffffffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Frodo screamed.
"No! We must go! There is nothing we can do!!!" Aragorn yelled as he pulled Frodo back.
They all escaped and were out of the Mines of Moria now. Frodo had fainted, but everyone was sure it was because of the smell.
The fellowship (minus Frodo) glared at Melda.
"Well thanks to you, you sad excuse of a woman, Gandalf is DEAD!" Sam yelled loudly.
"What? It was him who decided to let go and pass wind at the worst moment!!!" She yelled back.
Everyone was in a bad mood, no one spoke or rather because they all had to hide behind a bush and wait till the laxative to finish its job.
*~*~*~* END*~*~*~*
-- What will happen to the Fellowship? Will their diarrhea ever stop?? Will they make it to Lorien without chopping Melda apart? Will the Author ever stop asking questions?? Perhaps not...but tune in for the next chapter, "THE CASE OF THE PMS-ING WOMEN!!!"
A/N: YAY!! I'm finally done!! Lol, ack! I dunno why I haven't been writing for a while. Yes, I had a writer's block and meh... I jus didn't feel like it. I had tons of other stories I'm working on, including a lot that are not on fanfiction, ones that are -- yes!--originally made by me!! Yay! So proud!!
Sorry, if this chapter was weird. I'm in a rather giddy mood. Oh, and I don't think I'm gonna be doing POVs. It's kinda boring, with all the superior vocabulary, especially Legsy's. ^_~
Anywayz, hope you enjoyed this chapter and didn't think it was stupid as I did, though I admit, it was pretty fun writing it ^__^.
*~*
REVIEWS!!
Aryante: Thank u soo much! lol, hmm...the prank with the underwear doesn't seem that bad...*cackles evilly*
Nessa Monyta: U know what? This story was supposed to be a whole romance thingy!! *stares* Weird isn't it? I had no idea Melda was going to be insane. But I don't think I'm gonna put romance like that, lol. The vote says 'NO'. And yeah, I really hate slash fics. 'Specially the Harry Potter ones, with Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Aack!! They're everywhere! Took me ages to find a normal story!! Anywayz, I'll shut up now! ^__^
MeLAla: Well...I'm probably gonna do POVs. But just once in a while. Dun't like how Aragorn's POV turned out. N-e-wayz, hugz bak!! Lol
Shi oni: Awwwwww thanks!! You actually find this story good?! Lol, I don't know about the romance with Legsy and Melda...but we'll see where t goes! And about the translations, ok, I'll put them up the next time.
Cassie-bear01: Lol! No pairing up with Gollum, promise!! It was just a joke! Happy B-day, by the way. Mine passed a few dayz ago!! I'm officially one year older!!! *looks around proudly*...oh my god!!! A GREY HAIR!!!! Eeeee!! ^_~
Lighting: Merry says that in the book or in the movie?? Well, I'm kinda referring more to the movie cuz I haven't touched the book in a lo0o0o0o0o0ong time and I'm not almost done, yet. Thanks for the Nazgul prank by the way!! :0)
Surfer-Gurl: Yay!! Thanks!! luv record of Lodoss war, but I've only seen like four episodes all which I had to dnlwd in Japanese on the computer!!
Menegliniel: Thanks! Um...hope those were good pranks in the chapter up there. Couldn't think of good ones which you could do in Middle-earth on a journey!! ^_^
Hi-Tech-Tuathan: *nods no*, yep, I'm dead. It doesn't matter whether we live or die, it's not like anyone is gonna care. No one is gonna make such a big deal that it'll affect the world...wow, it's fun being gothic and thinking dark!! Uh...what was I gonna say? Oh yeah, please don't resort to that junkmail thingy, or else I'll be sending you some too. I KNOW UR E- MAIL!!! MWHAHAHAHAH!!!! And sure, u can finish my lil' ficcy, if I'm not up to the challenge anymore. That would be REALLY helpful!! ^__^
Andray: Lol, a lil' Legsy romance? Meh, maybe!! Thanks for the prank tip! Got somefink in mind!! Dun, dun, dun!!!
Vampire_girl0017 : Thanks! I'm baaack!!
Meghan: Updated and writer's block is over! Hope u liked this chapter!!
*~*~*
Author writes -- Author updates -- People read -- People review -- People make Author happy!! (Ahh, the circle of life...^_^)
GO SEE PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT KICKS A$$!!! :p
Thank u so much for the reviews!! Thank u!!
*~*
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN (Um...I think I got lost in the chapters...)
*~*Aragorn's POV*~*
We ate our cold breakfast quietly. One of us would shoot a quick glance at the sleeping figure on the floor from time to time. That figure was the most unholy-- most evil of all living creatures.
If I say that out loud, I would probably be reminded by the others that Sauron was the one who was the most evil on all of Middle-Earth-- but seriously, being next to Melda, I'm beginning to forget all about him. Beginning to forget what my mission is. Right now, my real mission is to get away from her as far as I possibly can.
You may think it's impossible for someone to be this annoying but--no... You're dead wrong. I have never met anyone more disrespectful, rude, ill manered than her. She shows a bad example for us humans. I want to teach her a lesson, to make her stop this stupidity of hers, but I can't! I'm a future noble king, I cannot hurt a woman...Legolas on the other hand. He doesn't care whatsoever that he's the prince of Mirkwood. The two fight battle. Who will win? I do not know-- though my bets are on Melda.
I did not know what time of the day it was but we stopped and made camp in this immense hall. I couldn't sleep--too busy watching my back, but to my surprise, Melda had done nothing.
I heard movements coming from her direction; so, she had finally woken up.
"Damn!" Merry muttered, snapping his fingers. He made Gandalf promise him that if she doesn't wake up by the time we finish eating breakfast, we would leave her there and continue the journey without her.
Melda sat up, stretched her arms, yawned, scratched her butt and (for the Gods' sake!) began picking her nose and whipping her boogers on the stone floor. We all stared in disgust.
"WHAT!?" She barked. I looked at the piece of bread I was holding and, still disgusted, threw it on the floor. I lost my appetite.
She began feeling her hair, it was very oily and then began picking at a spot on her chin. She sighed in frustration and began muttering in what I think was..uhm, Arabic...I think...?
"Do you want me to be honest with you?" Legolas said suddenly.
"Ba?" Melda asked.
"I'll be honest;" Legolas smiled. "You look just as bad as you feel."
She gestured him a sign with her middle finger. Hmm...I wonder what THAT means. Perhaps a sarcastic 'Good morning to you too'. Legolas ignored it and gave his piece of bread to Pippin who squealed with delight at the generosity.
She got up and sat next to Legolas and me with a growl. The scent of a person who did not have a bath in a long time reach my nostrils (A/N: Or did he just finally smell himself...?) and I grimaced.
Legolas stared at her in disgust, "Dear Valar...look at you. Has anyone else been in the accident?"
Melda stared back at him, her bloodshot eyes flashing and the dark circles beneath them made her look frightening, "Shut up. And I suppose you need a license to be that ugly?"
"What? I'm just saying every girl has the right to be ugly...but you just abused that privilege!!"
"ENOUGH!!!" Yelled Gandalf as he picked up a piece of bread, his voice echoed in the grand hall.
The two just stared at the ground in silence, but then I heard Melda muttering, "Hey Legsy, can I borrow your face for a few days? My ass is going on holiday..."
Legolas opened his mouth to say something back but Gandalf glared at him and began giving warnings in Elvish.
"B-but she started it!!!!" He pointed an accusing finger.
"If you're the prince I've heard of in the many songs of Mirkwood, I expect you to behave the way they said you should usually behave." Gandalf retorted.
I agreed. I mean, sure Melda is a crazy filthy woman, but doesn't Legolas think he has a reputation to uphold? She just wants to bring him down...
We finished eating in silence, packed up our belongings, and continued our journey on. I heard Melda slide next to Frodo. I sighed...what was she going to do this time?
She sighed happily, for some reason. "I feel refreshed after that long nap. Makes me in a happy mood for a couple of minutes..."
Frodo nodded, avoiding eye contact as if she was some kind of monster who would attack you if your eyes meet.
"Say...how come you don't sing like you usually do when your journeying?" She asked casually, her hands behind her back.
"We must keep quite, incase of goblins..." Frodo said, barley above a whisper.
"I got a good song!!" Melda shrieked as if she didn't hear what Frodo just said. She crept up behind the poor hobbit and wrapped her fingers eerily around his shoulder like a sea monster's tentacles and began whispering in a strange tune. "Itsy bitsy Nazgul, went up one rainy day..."
Frodo shuddered, "Stop it."
"Stabbed the little hobbit, and took the ring away..."
"STOP IT!" Frodo pressed. But Melda wasn't listening as usual.
"Once the little hobbit was...AHHHHHH!!!" She screamed all of a sudden loudly on purpose.
That took everyone buy surprise, but not more than Pippin and Frodo. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" They screamed in fright.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Then the three of them broke off together.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! !!" Gandalf then screamed in rage, he took his staff and whacked everybody around him, Melda, twice on the head. "Don't you ever shut up you bloody pest!?"
"NEVER!!!" Melda screamed dramatically. "You're wack, man."
"Shut up, or I'll whack you again."
"You're so wack, you're gonna whack me because I called you a wack, when you know that you're a wack?"
"Yes, I'm going to whack you because you called me a wack, even when I know you're wack." Gandalf clenched his teeth.
"Would you stop with the whole wack thing? It's not even funny." Boromir said.
"Please hear me oh Gods above," I said as we continued walking with Melda humming her annoying tune again. Legolas walked beside me and began whispering something to me, well away from earshot.
"I found something to get Melda back;" He said as he pulled out a jar from his bag. It was full of ants. "Let us put it down her pants, Aragorn..."
I glared at him, "Legolas, we're not here to play games. We're on a quest to destroy the evil ring of doom."
Legolas stared at me with huge blue puppy dog eyes and I knew that if I refuse, he will resort the his adorable pout where he--I closed my eyes- must-think-straight!!
"Pwease, Aragorn. Just ONE trick...get her back...?"
So I just sighed and he jumped happily. Melda looked suspiciously at us but we kept acting normally until she began humming loudly again.
Legolas pranced up quietly behind her, after we've made a plan and I came in front of her. "Uh...you're shoelaces are untied..."
She looked at her feet and raised her eyebrows. "So?"
I looked at Legolas behind her and he shrugged. We expected her to bend down and tie them. "Well, um...hey! You've got ants in your pants!!!!"
"Uh-huh..." She said in a cranky tone. "Har har, very funny."
"Look, you do!!" I said, Legolas smacked his head and finally decided to unscrew the jar.
"Ok, listen, you're jokes are really stupid. I don't know if you would consider them to be hilarious her in middle-land, whatever you call it, and I don't even wanna bother finding out, so sod off if you don't want me to rip off the remaining hairs of yours."
I was about to leave when Legolas finally poured the ants down her leather pants which she wore when we first met. She stood there frozen. She turned around and suddenly slapped Legolas so hard he that he swayed a little.
Her face turned red and she began cursing all sorts of words as she ran around.
We couldn't help but laugh at her sight, even Legolas who had a huge red mark on his right cheek. Melda began scratching her butt madly. "THAT WAS NOT FUNNY!! YOU STUPID FUCKERS!!! IF YOU WANNA DO A PRANK, DO A DECENT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She began cursing even more.
"S-shut up!!" Gandalf hissed, between fits of laughter. "The creatures in the cave will hear us!!!"
We decided to stop for a rest right where we stood and Melda who began massaging her butt by rubbing it back an forth on a sharp rock, gave us the worst death-glare we've seen yet. She finally decided to run behind a pillar and change into her white shorts.
*~*~*BACK TO ME TELLING THE STORY!!!*~*~*
"Oh...they're gonna get it..." Melda muttered as picked up her leather pants and tried to rid it from the ants (Look! I'm rhyming!!)
"So, they wanna play rough, eh?" She looked at her bag and suddenly remembered something. She dived upon it and began pulling everything out and finally found what she was looking for: a large blue bottle.
"How could've I forgot!! This is my best prank tool !!" She opened the bottle of white powder and smelled it. It was extra- effective laxative powder. The prank she always pulled once every month on her teachers who would sip on their infected coffee and suddenly in the middle of class, they dash out of the classroom to a nearby bathroom and wouldn't come out till a day or so.
Melda smiled evilly and peered at the fellowship who were talking and laughing, Frodo looking around anxiously for Gollumn and Gimli, sniffing occasionally so that someone would pay attention to him.
Melda slithered quietly up to Gandlaf's back and snatched the water-skin they all shared and poured a huge amount of lax powder in it. She quickly returned the bottle in her bag and pretended she was coming back from changing.
They all grinned at her. "I hope you got all rid of those ants, Melda," Merry said sarcastically. She smiled at him in an evil way and said nothing then she stared at Gandalf and began doing her act.
"Gandalf, I'm really thirsty. I wanna drink. Please, give me some of your water."
Gandalf laughed sardonically, "HA! You wish! Drink the water you filled with tadpoles! You have nine water skins full of them!"
So, just as she had planned, he picked up his water-skin and began drinking from it in front of Melda. Pretending to be deeply enjoying it, "Ahh! Mm! That was good! Clear water!!"
And much to Melda's satisfaction, Sam snatched the water-skin and began drinking too, then the other...and the other...and the other. All of them pretended to enjoy drinking it so they can make her feel bad, and so she pretended to have a look of disappointment on her face, but ,mentally, had a huge goofy grin on her face.
"Well," Said Aragorn as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "We better get going, mustn't lose anytime."
Just when they finished packing, they all heard some weird sound coming out of Gandalf's stomach. He doubled as his eyes bulged, there was the same sound. "I-I...think I need t-to..." Gandalf grunted but hurried behind a pillar before he could finish his sentence. They heard him cry out in relief. Melda chocked on laughter as the others looked at her suspiciously.
Then the same happened to the hobbits, then Aragorn and soon everyone was behind different pillars as the effect of the laxative started working. They all realized that Melda had done something to their water and they were all cursing and yelling at her, though as her response, they received howls of laughter.
"Man! What did you guys eat!! It smells like you had 20 bowls of chili in a row!!!" She said, fanning the smell away with her hand.
"You are REALLY going to get it this time, Melda." Legolas said hoarsely as he emerged from behind a pillar, his face really pale and full of sweat. "I swear, even if I am a prince, I will--" He ran back to the pillar.
After two hours and 15 minutes, the fellowship came back to the spot, all shivering and wax-faced. They all glared at Melda who took a piece of cloth to cover her nose and mouth from the nauseating, over-powering smell that was sure to have wiped all the goblins and insects living in the mine.
Even the Balrog who was reading a book on 'An idiot's guide on how to make friends without scaring them with your huge whip and smoke wings' quietly in his home picked up the scent and almost fainted.
"This is truly embarrassing..." Muttered Legolas as he clutched his stomach. "Please, let us get out of here fast."
But it was taking them such a long time because one of them would regularly slip away so they can do their...ahem... 'toilettage'.
Finally, the Balrog, who got quite irritated from this strange force of smell that was slowly forming a clan to take over the world, put his book down, got up from his seat and began looking for the traces of the smell.
"Gandalf, I think I need another go..." Gimli muttered.
Gandalf sighed, "But do you not want to see what is inside that room? Your cousin's dead."
"HE IS?!?" Gimli began crying but decided to bother himself with that later rather than soil himself...
Red flames were illuminating the corners of the dark walls and they heard thunderous footsteps coming closer.
"Oh dear Elbereth..." Gandalf muttered. "It's coming after us..."
"Hey--aren't we supposed to fight goblins first?" Sam said as he picked up a frying pan.
"No, you killed them all with the smell, remember?" Melda sniggered.
Boromir growled then yelled, "RUN!!!"
They RAN.
The ran, or in Legsy's case, nanced back to the immense hall and then arrived to the bridge of Kazadûm where Gandalf would meet his fate.
"HOW DARE YOU DISTURB THE FRESH AIR I LIVED ON FOR MANY YEARS!?" The Balrog bellowed as it bared its whip "FOR I SHALL INFORM YOU, YOUR SCENT IS IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW SABOTAGING IT!! I TOLD THEM NOT TO WRIGHT ON THE WALL BUT THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME AND SOME OF THE SENIORS ARE PLAYING LIMBO WITH MY POKING STICK!!!!"
"Wha...?" Melda gaped. "This wasn't supposed to happen!!!"
The others jumped off the breaking staircase, with Melda following close by, repeating the same thing as the Balrog complained some more. But something unfortunate happened; the diarrhea was back and that left the fellowship running with their hands clamped upon their butts.
"OH YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE TILL YOU BREW ME AN AIR-FRESHENING POTION, WIZARD!!!" The Balrog yelled.
Gandalf turned back to face the monster, proud and tall with one hand on the staff and the other on his butt, holding himself.
"Brew you a potion?" He said. "No, no. I am not that kind of wizard. I'm afraid you are mistaking me for Dumbledore. If you want to, I can go to the future and inform him about this situation and he can call Professor Severus Snape to brew that potion for you with a touch of glittering Daisies with the help of Professor Flitwick's charms--"
"SHUT UP!!" Roared the Balrog. He cracked his whip and it caught hold of Gandalf's leg and pulled the wizard up to him, but Gandalf accidentally let out an enormous fart which caused an explosion with the Balrog's flames.
"Gaaaaaaaaaannnnndaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllfffffffffffffffffff ffffffffffffffffff!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Frodo screamed.
"No! We must go! There is nothing we can do!!!" Aragorn yelled as he pulled Frodo back.
They all escaped and were out of the Mines of Moria now. Frodo had fainted, but everyone was sure it was because of the smell.
The fellowship (minus Frodo) glared at Melda.
"Well thanks to you, you sad excuse of a woman, Gandalf is DEAD!" Sam yelled loudly.
"What? It was him who decided to let go and pass wind at the worst moment!!!" She yelled back.
Everyone was in a bad mood, no one spoke or rather because they all had to hide behind a bush and wait till the laxative to finish its job.
*~*~*~* END*~*~*~*
-- What will happen to the Fellowship? Will their diarrhea ever stop?? Will they make it to Lorien without chopping Melda apart? Will the Author ever stop asking questions?? Perhaps not...but tune in for the next chapter, "THE CASE OF THE PMS-ING WOMEN!!!"
A/N: YAY!! I'm finally done!! Lol, ack! I dunno why I haven't been writing for a while. Yes, I had a writer's block and meh... I jus didn't feel like it. I had tons of other stories I'm working on, including a lot that are not on fanfiction, ones that are -- yes!--originally made by me!! Yay! So proud!!
Sorry, if this chapter was weird. I'm in a rather giddy mood. Oh, and I don't think I'm gonna be doing POVs. It's kinda boring, with all the superior vocabulary, especially Legsy's. ^_~
Anywayz, hope you enjoyed this chapter and didn't think it was stupid as I did, though I admit, it was pretty fun writing it ^__^.
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REVIEWS!!
Aryante: Thank u soo much! lol, hmm...the prank with the underwear doesn't seem that bad...*cackles evilly*
Nessa Monyta: U know what? This story was supposed to be a whole romance thingy!! *stares* Weird isn't it? I had no idea Melda was going to be insane. But I don't think I'm gonna put romance like that, lol. The vote says 'NO'. And yeah, I really hate slash fics. 'Specially the Harry Potter ones, with Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. Aack!! They're everywhere! Took me ages to find a normal story!! Anywayz, I'll shut up now! ^__^
MeLAla: Well...I'm probably gonna do POVs. But just once in a while. Dun't like how Aragorn's POV turned out. N-e-wayz, hugz bak!! Lol
Shi oni: Awwwwww thanks!! You actually find this story good?! Lol, I don't know about the romance with Legsy and Melda...but we'll see where t goes! And about the translations, ok, I'll put them up the next time.
Cassie-bear01: Lol! No pairing up with Gollum, promise!! It was just a joke! Happy B-day, by the way. Mine passed a few dayz ago!! I'm officially one year older!!! *looks around proudly*...oh my god!!! A GREY HAIR!!!! Eeeee!! ^_~
Lighting: Merry says that in the book or in the movie?? Well, I'm kinda referring more to the movie cuz I haven't touched the book in a lo0o0o0o0o0ong time and I'm not almost done, yet. Thanks for the Nazgul prank by the way!! :0)
Surfer-Gurl: Yay!! Thanks!! luv record of Lodoss war, but I've only seen like four episodes all which I had to dnlwd in Japanese on the computer!!
Menegliniel: Thanks! Um...hope those were good pranks in the chapter up there. Couldn't think of good ones which you could do in Middle-earth on a journey!! ^_^
Hi-Tech-Tuathan: *nods no*, yep, I'm dead. It doesn't matter whether we live or die, it's not like anyone is gonna care. No one is gonna make such a big deal that it'll affect the world...wow, it's fun being gothic and thinking dark!! Uh...what was I gonna say? Oh yeah, please don't resort to that junkmail thingy, or else I'll be sending you some too. I KNOW UR E- MAIL!!! MWHAHAHAHAH!!!! And sure, u can finish my lil' ficcy, if I'm not up to the challenge anymore. That would be REALLY helpful!! ^__^
Andray: Lol, a lil' Legsy romance? Meh, maybe!! Thanks for the prank tip! Got somefink in mind!! Dun, dun, dun!!!
Vampire_girl0017 : Thanks! I'm baaack!!
Meghan: Updated and writer's block is over! Hope u liked this chapter!!
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Author writes -- Author updates -- People read -- People review -- People make Author happy!! (Ahh, the circle of life...^_^)