Chapter 38
While the letters printed, Sara carried the last of her bags to her SUV. After signing and sealing the documents, she turned her attention to breaking down the computer, since she planned on taking it with her.
Returning from packing the electronics, Sara ran down her mental checklist. The refrigerator was empty; the trash had been taken out; no water was running; the mail was taken care of. The only thing left was personal affairs.
She'd already said good-bye to Teresa and her parents. They'd flown to Baltimore the day before yesterday, where specialists at the Johns Hopkins Childrens Hospital would try to repair her heart damage.
The letters were for her co-workers. She didn't want to head off to California without making an attempt to clear the air. Things had been tense since the fight with Catherine and Nick. They had felt guilty that they had triggered the revelation from her. Oddly, Sara wasn't angry with them. They had only been trying to be helpful.
She was the one who lost control and announced Grissom's therapy in the hallway for the whole lab to hear. She was the one who had betrayed his trust, and she wouldn't rationalize that they had been partially responsible. It didn't seem right leaving letters, but she wanted to be on the road before nightfall. Besides, she wasn't up to a face-to-face discussion with them right now.
Picking up the envelopes, she let out a sad sigh. Grissom's letter had been the hardest to write. She wished she could talk to him, but he wasn't due back from Denver for another two days. Her deposition had lasted too long. By the time she was finished, his flight had already left. There was so much she wanted to apologize for, so much to thank him for. Sara doubted she could do it over the phone, so she settled for the note.
Hopefully, it conveyed her feelings successfully. She had already hurt him accidentally. She wanted this to be as painless for him as possible, and had already asked Kane to check on him.
Scanning the apartment a final time, Sara made sure she hadn't left anything undone.
The building supervisor had agreed to let Goodwill in to collect her furniture and the pre-boxed household items. It would be just as easy to replace them when she found a new apartment in California than to hire a moving company. She had no special attachment to the items.
Closing the door, Sara headed for the parking lot. She'd drop off the letters at the lab before she left Las Vegas behind her.
~~~~
Grissom headed upstairs, trying to ignore the stares. Ever since Sara had slipped and let the office know he was seeing a psychologist, he'd felt like he was a specimen in some display. He wasn't in the mood for it right now.
It had been deeply embarrassing that something so personal had become the subject of the office gossip pool. He'd been hurt and angry that Sara – of all people – had done that to him. More than anyone, she should have known how much this would bother him.
But more than anything, when he admitted it to himself, he was ashamed. He knew it had been an accident. She had been having trouble controlling her temper. Sara had been provoked into revealing it; in fact, she had been defending him.
Grissom yawned deeply as he raced up the steps. The look of fear on Sara's face that night was something he wished he'd never seen. It had been disconcerting by itself, but the knowledge that he caused it made him feel sick to his stomach. Could she ever trust him if she was afraid of him? She certainly had withdrawn after that.
Those thoughts had been haunting him through his talk in Denver. Afterwards, he'd called his home phone number from the hotel room, hoping to find a message from her. What he got was a message from Philip Kane, telling him to see him as soon as he returned.
That vague statement had been enough for Grissom to leave the seminar early. He'd been unable to get a direct flight back to Las Vegas, having to settle for a circuitous route going through Houston and Phoenix. A storm over the mountains had further delayed his return.
Heading towards Kane's office, Grissom barely acknowledged the secretary before knocking. "What's up, Philip?"
"Gil, I wasn't expecting you so soon."
"I left the seminar early. What's wrong?" he answered shortly.
"Have you seen Sara yet?"
"No. Why?"
"Have a seat, Gil," the psychologist said kindly. "Sara's decided to take a leave-of-absence. She felt she needed some time away from the lab to think about her career. I have to agree; at this point, it's probably the best thing for her."
Grissom let out a ragged breath, grateful it wasn't an emergency. He didn't want to lose her as a CSI, but he was more concerned about her mental well-being. "Okay. Fine. I'll sign the paperwork when she gets back from vacation."
"She was going to take care of the paperwork before she left for California," he said slowly.
"Sara's leaving this afternoon. Why would she take care of it …" Grissom paused, watching Kane's expression carefully. His stomach churned. "She's not coming back."
~~~~~
Sara ran her fingers over the pictures as she removed them from her locker. Everything else was already in the bag. The letters to her friends had been slipped into their respective lockers; Grissom's was sitting on his desk. She hated to leave this way, but she didn't know what other choice she had.
"Crazy Grissom."
Even now, the memory of the taunts shocked her. It happened the day after her deposition. She'd overheard the comment after she had dropped off her final review to the sheriff. A group of lab techs and secretaries from day shift had been lounging around the water cooler, joking about him.
"I always thought he was crazy, him and those bugs."
"Did anyone really think he was stable?"
"How did ever get to be supervisor?"
Sara bit her lip to stop the tears as she remembered. What had she done to him?
She had been having a hard enough time dealing with her own troubles since the accident. It bothered her that she had been unable to manage her emotional state. She had always been proud of her self-discipline. That she had hurt Grissom with her angry outbursts tore her up. She loved him too much not to be moved by it.
But that had been nothing compared to the self-reproach when she had violated his trust. It had touched her deeply that he was willing to see Kane for her. She recognized how difficult a decision that had to have been for him. Then she had exposed him to embarrassment by announcing it to the lab.
She was afraid he would never forgive her. He had every right to be angry with her. This was probably the most difficult personal event in his life. Grissom was very private, and she had made this public knowledge.
Now, Sara realized she may have damaged his career. That was more than she could bear. Grissom had been so supportive, when she had done nothing to deserve his kindness. In return, all she had done was possibly taken the most important thing in his life away from him.
Until she could restrain herself, until she knew she wouldn't cause him any more grief, Sara had to get away. There was no way she could carry the burden of causing him any additional pain.
Casting a last look around the room, she headed into the hallway and walked quickly towards the exit. She needed to get out before she lost control.
"Sara!"
Grissom ignored the attention from the lab personnel as he hurried down the hallway, grateful he had caught her before she left. Grabbing her arm, he pulled her towards an empty lab.
"Grissom, let me go," she whispered, afraid she wouldn't be able to prevent another outburst in front of an audience.
Releasing her before they reached the room, he stepped closer, trying to give them a sense of privacy. His heart was beating nervously; he could tell Sara didn't want to be here with him. Had he frightened her again? He tried to lower his voice to calm her.
"I'm sorry, Sara. Please, don't go."
"I have to leave, Grissom. I … I can't stay," she said, taking a step away from him, feeling her control slipping.
"You weren't going to tell me? You were just going to leave me?"
Sara blinked back tears when she saw the pain in his eyes. "Grissom, I left a note …"
"A note? That's it? That's all?" he interrupted.
"Grissom, please, don't," she said, casting a nervous glance around. This was attracting too much attention. She could feel the panic rising.
"Sara, I'm trying. You have to give me more time, that's all. Please," he asked, stepping closer to her.
Her tears were flowing freely as Sara realized that she had hurt him again. She wanted to reassure him, but right now she couldn't calm herself. There was too much scrunity; she doubted the others could hear them, but it was too unnerving being watched.
"Grissom, everybody's looking at us. I don't want to talk about this. Just read the note."
"I don't want to read a note. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me why you're leaving me," Grissom pleaded.
"I just have to get away. I need to get away. It's all too much," she choked out through her tears.
"Too much? It's all too much for you? You think you're the only one suffering here? I've done everything I could think of. I've risked everything for you."
"God, Grissom, I know that. Please, just don't do this," she said urgently.
"What more do I have to do to prove myself to you? I've given you everything I have, Sara. I've given up my privacy, my pride, maybe even my job. If that's not enough for you, I don't know what more I can do."
"Please, stop," Sara whispered, glancing around to see the confused looks being directed their way. If she didn't leave soon, she was afraid of what would happen.
Grissom saw her look; she didn't want to be seen with him. He took another step closer, his exhaustion and fear overriding his common sense. Had he been wrong all along? Were all of his sacrifices for nothing?
"You don't care, do you? What this is doing to me? What this has cost me?" he asked painfully.
"If that's what you really think, you should be glad I'm leaving," Sara said, bolting past him and slamming open the door to the parking lot.
Grissom leaned against the wall, struggling to remain calm. The raw pain in her voice had been impossible to ignore. Steeling himself for the audience, he turned and walked slowly back to his office.
While the letters printed, Sara carried the last of her bags to her SUV. After signing and sealing the documents, she turned her attention to breaking down the computer, since she planned on taking it with her.
Returning from packing the electronics, Sara ran down her mental checklist. The refrigerator was empty; the trash had been taken out; no water was running; the mail was taken care of. The only thing left was personal affairs.
She'd already said good-bye to Teresa and her parents. They'd flown to Baltimore the day before yesterday, where specialists at the Johns Hopkins Childrens Hospital would try to repair her heart damage.
The letters were for her co-workers. She didn't want to head off to California without making an attempt to clear the air. Things had been tense since the fight with Catherine and Nick. They had felt guilty that they had triggered the revelation from her. Oddly, Sara wasn't angry with them. They had only been trying to be helpful.
She was the one who lost control and announced Grissom's therapy in the hallway for the whole lab to hear. She was the one who had betrayed his trust, and she wouldn't rationalize that they had been partially responsible. It didn't seem right leaving letters, but she wanted to be on the road before nightfall. Besides, she wasn't up to a face-to-face discussion with them right now.
Picking up the envelopes, she let out a sad sigh. Grissom's letter had been the hardest to write. She wished she could talk to him, but he wasn't due back from Denver for another two days. Her deposition had lasted too long. By the time she was finished, his flight had already left. There was so much she wanted to apologize for, so much to thank him for. Sara doubted she could do it over the phone, so she settled for the note.
Hopefully, it conveyed her feelings successfully. She had already hurt him accidentally. She wanted this to be as painless for him as possible, and had already asked Kane to check on him.
Scanning the apartment a final time, Sara made sure she hadn't left anything undone.
The building supervisor had agreed to let Goodwill in to collect her furniture and the pre-boxed household items. It would be just as easy to replace them when she found a new apartment in California than to hire a moving company. She had no special attachment to the items.
Closing the door, Sara headed for the parking lot. She'd drop off the letters at the lab before she left Las Vegas behind her.
~~~~
Grissom headed upstairs, trying to ignore the stares. Ever since Sara had slipped and let the office know he was seeing a psychologist, he'd felt like he was a specimen in some display. He wasn't in the mood for it right now.
It had been deeply embarrassing that something so personal had become the subject of the office gossip pool. He'd been hurt and angry that Sara – of all people – had done that to him. More than anyone, she should have known how much this would bother him.
But more than anything, when he admitted it to himself, he was ashamed. He knew it had been an accident. She had been having trouble controlling her temper. Sara had been provoked into revealing it; in fact, she had been defending him.
Grissom yawned deeply as he raced up the steps. The look of fear on Sara's face that night was something he wished he'd never seen. It had been disconcerting by itself, but the knowledge that he caused it made him feel sick to his stomach. Could she ever trust him if she was afraid of him? She certainly had withdrawn after that.
Those thoughts had been haunting him through his talk in Denver. Afterwards, he'd called his home phone number from the hotel room, hoping to find a message from her. What he got was a message from Philip Kane, telling him to see him as soon as he returned.
That vague statement had been enough for Grissom to leave the seminar early. He'd been unable to get a direct flight back to Las Vegas, having to settle for a circuitous route going through Houston and Phoenix. A storm over the mountains had further delayed his return.
Heading towards Kane's office, Grissom barely acknowledged the secretary before knocking. "What's up, Philip?"
"Gil, I wasn't expecting you so soon."
"I left the seminar early. What's wrong?" he answered shortly.
"Have you seen Sara yet?"
"No. Why?"
"Have a seat, Gil," the psychologist said kindly. "Sara's decided to take a leave-of-absence. She felt she needed some time away from the lab to think about her career. I have to agree; at this point, it's probably the best thing for her."
Grissom let out a ragged breath, grateful it wasn't an emergency. He didn't want to lose her as a CSI, but he was more concerned about her mental well-being. "Okay. Fine. I'll sign the paperwork when she gets back from vacation."
"She was going to take care of the paperwork before she left for California," he said slowly.
"Sara's leaving this afternoon. Why would she take care of it …" Grissom paused, watching Kane's expression carefully. His stomach churned. "She's not coming back."
~~~~~
Sara ran her fingers over the pictures as she removed them from her locker. Everything else was already in the bag. The letters to her friends had been slipped into their respective lockers; Grissom's was sitting on his desk. She hated to leave this way, but she didn't know what other choice she had.
"Crazy Grissom."
Even now, the memory of the taunts shocked her. It happened the day after her deposition. She'd overheard the comment after she had dropped off her final review to the sheriff. A group of lab techs and secretaries from day shift had been lounging around the water cooler, joking about him.
"I always thought he was crazy, him and those bugs."
"Did anyone really think he was stable?"
"How did ever get to be supervisor?"
Sara bit her lip to stop the tears as she remembered. What had she done to him?
She had been having a hard enough time dealing with her own troubles since the accident. It bothered her that she had been unable to manage her emotional state. She had always been proud of her self-discipline. That she had hurt Grissom with her angry outbursts tore her up. She loved him too much not to be moved by it.
But that had been nothing compared to the self-reproach when she had violated his trust. It had touched her deeply that he was willing to see Kane for her. She recognized how difficult a decision that had to have been for him. Then she had exposed him to embarrassment by announcing it to the lab.
She was afraid he would never forgive her. He had every right to be angry with her. This was probably the most difficult personal event in his life. Grissom was very private, and she had made this public knowledge.
Now, Sara realized she may have damaged his career. That was more than she could bear. Grissom had been so supportive, when she had done nothing to deserve his kindness. In return, all she had done was possibly taken the most important thing in his life away from him.
Until she could restrain herself, until she knew she wouldn't cause him any more grief, Sara had to get away. There was no way she could carry the burden of causing him any additional pain.
Casting a last look around the room, she headed into the hallway and walked quickly towards the exit. She needed to get out before she lost control.
"Sara!"
Grissom ignored the attention from the lab personnel as he hurried down the hallway, grateful he had caught her before she left. Grabbing her arm, he pulled her towards an empty lab.
"Grissom, let me go," she whispered, afraid she wouldn't be able to prevent another outburst in front of an audience.
Releasing her before they reached the room, he stepped closer, trying to give them a sense of privacy. His heart was beating nervously; he could tell Sara didn't want to be here with him. Had he frightened her again? He tried to lower his voice to calm her.
"I'm sorry, Sara. Please, don't go."
"I have to leave, Grissom. I … I can't stay," she said, taking a step away from him, feeling her control slipping.
"You weren't going to tell me? You were just going to leave me?"
Sara blinked back tears when she saw the pain in his eyes. "Grissom, I left a note …"
"A note? That's it? That's all?" he interrupted.
"Grissom, please, don't," she said, casting a nervous glance around. This was attracting too much attention. She could feel the panic rising.
"Sara, I'm trying. You have to give me more time, that's all. Please," he asked, stepping closer to her.
Her tears were flowing freely as Sara realized that she had hurt him again. She wanted to reassure him, but right now she couldn't calm herself. There was too much scrunity; she doubted the others could hear them, but it was too unnerving being watched.
"Grissom, everybody's looking at us. I don't want to talk about this. Just read the note."
"I don't want to read a note. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me why you're leaving me," Grissom pleaded.
"I just have to get away. I need to get away. It's all too much," she choked out through her tears.
"Too much? It's all too much for you? You think you're the only one suffering here? I've done everything I could think of. I've risked everything for you."
"God, Grissom, I know that. Please, just don't do this," she said urgently.
"What more do I have to do to prove myself to you? I've given you everything I have, Sara. I've given up my privacy, my pride, maybe even my job. If that's not enough for you, I don't know what more I can do."
"Please, stop," Sara whispered, glancing around to see the confused looks being directed their way. If she didn't leave soon, she was afraid of what would happen.
Grissom saw her look; she didn't want to be seen with him. He took another step closer, his exhaustion and fear overriding his common sense. Had he been wrong all along? Were all of his sacrifices for nothing?
"You don't care, do you? What this is doing to me? What this has cost me?" he asked painfully.
"If that's what you really think, you should be glad I'm leaving," Sara said, bolting past him and slamming open the door to the parking lot.
Grissom leaned against the wall, struggling to remain calm. The raw pain in her voice had been impossible to ignore. Steeling himself for the audience, he turned and walked slowly back to his office.