Title: Phoenix: Doubts
Author: LavenderJade
Fandom: Law & Order
Email: lavenderjade@comcast.net
Pairing: Jack/Lennie
Summary: Jack faces his doubts and talks to Skoda
Disclaimer: Not mine (wish they were!), not making money
Sunday Night / early Monday morning: Doubts
// Jack huddled on the floor, trying to make himself as small as possible. He wanted to disappear completely. The huge, powerful hands were coming back toward him. Tossing him around like a rag doll. Hurting. He cried out in pain as he landed on his arm, breaking it. His father reached out toward him again . . . //
"No, please, no! NO!!!!!!"
Lennie woke at the sound, and sighed. Jack was having another nightmare. Third night in a row since the day he had been attacked. Unfortunately, it was Sunday night, and Lennie had to go back to work tomorrow. He rolled over and gently shook his bedmate, "Jack, wake up. It's just a dream." "Lennie? Oh, god, not again!" Jack sat up and buried his face in his hands. Lennie sat up and wrapped his arms around his lover. Jack flinched at the touch. "Jack, what's wrong?"
"I don't know. Guess I'm just jumpy, is all." "No, you've been distant all day. What is it?"
Jack didn't want to hurt Lennie. But it was easier than talking about the dream . . .
"I don't know, Lennie. Maybe you were right Friday night - we shouldn't have moved so fast. We should have waited for reality to come back."
"You having second thoughts, about us?" Lennie's stomach did a flip-flop. He pulled back, releasing his friend from his embrace and propping himself up on the pillow.
"Is this so easy for you?" Jack looked at him. "You said you'd never been with a man before, either. Yet you seem so comfortable with it - no doubts, no uncertainty? This happened so fast, I'm not sure I'm even ME anymore!"
"Trust me, Jack. You're you. I guess it is easier for me - I had a little more time than you to get used to the idea . . ."
Jack looked at him, confused. "What do you mean?"
Lennie hesitated, pretty sure Jack wasn't going to like what he was about to say. "This past September. Remember when you conned me into riding that deathtrap with you? And we got caught in that downpour?" It had been a perfect early autumn Saturday, too nice to be cooped up inside. Jack had badgered Lennie all morning until he had agreed to go out on the bike. "Your shirt was soaked through. I was sitting behind you, feeling that engine purring, feeling you through the wet shirt. I don't know why, Jack, but I started feeling aroused. Shocked the hell out of me. Never in a million years would I have expected that. But I couldn't deny what had happened. It was either accept that I could be attracted to a man, or deny a part of myself. Since then, I've kicked the idea around the block a few times. Hell, half the world already thought we were lovers, might as well do the crime if we were already doing the time! But believe me, I NEVER would have actually done anything. I figured your heart belonged to Claire, and probably always would."
Jack stared at Lennie, shocked. "You've been fantasizing about me since September?" // And whose idea was it to get him onto the bike in the first place? // His conscience countered.
Lennie nodded. "Yeah, so I've already had time to deal with this. That's why I didn't want to do anything Friday night. But yesterday morning, you seemed so sure . . ."
Jack sighed, running his fingers through his hair. His Catholic upbringing was rearing its ugly head. // And just what would your father say about this? // But that was too close to the real issue, so he ducked it. "Lennie, I'm sorry. I just don't know how I feel about this right now. Maybe you better sleep in the other bedroom the rest of the night . . ." Lennie nodded sadly and got out of bed, reaching for his robe on the way out.
Seeing the hurt in Lennie's eyes left a dagger in his heart. Jack fell over onto his side, pulling the warm pillow Lennie had left behind into a one-armed embrace, and cried silently until he finally fell asleep again.
Lennie was up way too early the next morning. He had laid awake in the guest room for a long time, wondering if he had done the right thing in telling Jack about his fantasies. He remembered how uncomfortable he had been that first day. //Why was this happening to him? Was he gay? Was that why his marriages had failed? But then why had he never felt like that before in all his 50-odd years? Why now - why Jack? // He still didn't have good answers to all the questions, especially those last two. But he had decided that some things were simply meant to be. He hoped Jack just needed some time to work it out for himself.
The plan had been for him to get Jack up and dressed before he left. // Let him sleep. If he needs me, he'll call. // He headed for the station, working on his explanation for when Ed asked why he looked like shit. Because Ed WOULD ask. And he wouldn't leave well enough alone. Jack was having nightmares. Loud ones. That should be enough to placate his nosy partner . . .
When Jack finally woke up, the daylight was streaming in behind the curtains, and he realized that Lennie had to be long gone by now. 9:30. Yup, long gone. // I wonder if he's ever going to come back . . . // Jack wouldn't blame him if he didn't. He didn't know what had gotten into him last night. Yes, he had his doubts about this new kind of relationship. Until Friday, he had never even considered that their friendship might be something more. He was as straight as they come, a regular ladies' man. How many assistants had he bedded over the years? He had a reputation, for god's sake! He couldn't be gay! Not that there was anything WRONG with being gay, it's just that he WASN'T!
// And yet . . . all those long evenings after Cathy died, holding Lennie as he cried. And whose idea WAS that motorcycle ride that had started Lennie on this path? Hadn't he secretly enjoyed it when Lennie wrapped his arms around him? The rain had just been a bonus . . .//
If only he hadn't had the nightmare. Heart to heart conversations in the middle of the night were very Dickensian - either the best of times, or the worst of times. Three nights since the attack, three nightmares . . .
The phone rang, startling him out of his reverie. "Hello? Abbie, hi, yes, I'm allright. Kinda banged up, broken arm, dislocated shoulder, whole damn right side strapped up, but nothing that won't heal. //nothing visible, that is . . .// No, please, Abbie, not today. I'm not ready for company yet. Maybe later this week, OK? I promise, I'll tell you the whole story over lunch. Yeah, they want me to keep the shoulder immobilized for a week. They'll unstrap me on Friday, so I should be able to be back at the office next week. But call me if you need anything - even though I can't write or drive or even pull on a damned shirt, my brain still works fine. OK, thanks, Abbie. Yeah. Bye."
He had left a message on her voice mail yesterday with a watered-down version of Friday's events, saying he wouldn't be in this week. He was glad she called; Abbie was a great assistant. She could be just as stubborn as he was. It certainly kept things interesting. But not interesting enough to ask her out? Hell, when had his assistants started getting so young? And why was he even thinking about this?
He sighed and got out of bed. Alone in the apartment, he was going to have way too much time to think today. But going out meant getting dressed, and with only one working arm, that wasn't too likely. Who the hell could he call for some help, here? If Adam Schiff hadn't retired, he could have certainly called on his lifelong friend and mentor. But Adam had retired to his home upstate. Certainly not the new DA, Nora Lewin, or Abbie . . . Wait a minute. Wasn't he supposed to meet Emil Skoda for lunch today? He could count on the good doctor's professionalism in an otherwise embarrassing situation. // and maybe a little advice, as well? //
He dug out the phone number. "Emil? It's Jack. Listen, about lunch today . . . oh, Abbie already called you? Yeah, well, now that you have a nice big hole in your schedule, I was wondering if you could come over. Well, actually, I could use some help here. Yes, I told her I wasn't up for company today, but . . . you're going to make me say this, aren't you? I didn't want Abbie coming over because with this damned arm, I can't even put on my pants. Are you happy now? Fine, I'll see you in a bit."
Shrinks. Had to make you admit to every little thing. Liz Olivett used to drive him crazy, trying to back-door psychoanalyze him when they were supposed to be talking about some of the nut-cases he had to prosecute . . . // But maybe there is something to this talking thing . . . //
With a fair bit of effort, he managed to at least get his robe wrapped around his body and tied a one-handed slip knot in the belt. Skoda showed up a little later, grinning at Jack's discomfort. As he helped Jack into the jeans, he asked "So, I would have expected your roommate would have helped you with this?" Jack hesitated, the shrink's proximity to his private parts while mentioning Lennie practically made him squirm - exactly as Skoda intended. "I guess he decided to let me sleep this morning." "You, sleep in?" "Yeah, well it was a rough night last night." //Damn. Wasn't supposed to mention that . . . //
Skoda regarded his friend. "You having trouble sleeping? From the attack?" // Oh, hell. He's not going to let it go now. Might as well get this over with.// Jack nodded, and led Skoda back out to the living room. Skoda took the chair, leaving Jack the clichéd couch. "Nightmares. Every night. And then Lennie and I had a fight . . ."
"Last night?" "Yeah, he woke me up, said I was dreaming again." "He heard you from his room?" Jack bit his lip, decided to "fess up." "No." He looked up at Skoda, daring him to say something.
//So, they finally gave in, huh?// Skoda thought as he watched Jack. He had been watching these two closely for a couple of months. A close friendship, closer than most. Jack didn't let many people get that close to him. Both aging bachelors, 3 failed marriages between them, both carrying a lot of pain. Both married to their very demanding jobs. It made a weird sort of sense. //It's not the main issue, but he wants to deal with this first. Anything to avoid talking about those nightmares.// Skoda just sat there, waiting for Jack to say the rest.
Jack finally sighed and said "He was in bed with me. You happy now?" The standard shrink reply, "Are you?" passed through his mind, but he discarded it for now. With a shrug, he asked "How long has that been going on?" "Since Friday night. After the first nightmare, I asked him to stay." // the nightmare again. But let's deal with this first. // "For comfort." "Yeah. I didn't want to be alone." "Did it go beyond comfort?" Jack was obviously very uncomfortable right now. The red was creeping up his neck. "Saturday. Yeah, way beyond." "Did you enjoy it?" Swallow. Eyes averted. "Yes." "And this is a problem?" "I guess I just can't figure it out. I'm not gay. I've never been attracted to men before. So why now? Is this real, or was it just the stress of the assault?" "You're not gay. That much I can say with certainty. I've watched you watch women, Jack. You may be bisexual, but you're definitely not gay." Jack blinked, and stared at the shrink. Skoda smiled. "Hadn't thought of that option, had you? People tend to think of sexuality like a coin with 2 sides, gay or straight. But it's not that simple. There hasn't been a lot of research yet on this, but let me share with you something a grad student once proposed to me. She envisioned the range of human sexuality as a bell curve. As you move to the right along the bell curve, your percentage of "straightness" increases. So way up in the tip of the curve are the people who are close to 100% straight; at the beginning of the curve they are 100% gay. The way a bell curve is structured, there are very few of them at either end. The vast majority of people fall somewhere in between. Most of us are capable of experiencing pleasure with either men or women. But our society puts such a premium on straight relationships that unless you are pretty far into the "gay" tail of the curve, you tend to ignore that part of your sexuality. You get the satisfaction you need from your "majority" preference, so you don't need to look beyond that. But special circumstances can bring out the hidden side. Like an unusually close friendship. Or a near-death experience."
He sat back, letting Jack take in the information. "Jack, I've been watching you and Lennie for a couple of months now. I won't say I was exactly expecting this, but let's just say I was wondering if you were going to provide some proof for that theory. You two are good for each other; you've certainly been much happier since he moved in here. Look, only you can decide if this is what you really want. Just don't throw it away because of preconceived notions. Loving Lennie now doesn't invalidate what you had with Claire. It doesn't make it a lie."
//How did he know? // Jack sighed. He looked up at Skoda, smiled thinly, and nodded.
"Good. Because you're going to need Lennie's help to get rid of those nightmares."
//Oh shit. Back to that . . . //
"Jack, it's obvious that you don't want to talk about the nightmares. You brought up issues about your sexuality to avoid the subject. For you, that's major avoidance. If you want to make an appointment to come to my office, I'll help you dig it out. But I think for you it would be better to talk to Lennie. You've never been one to respond well to a clinical setting. You resent the intrusion. But you two have a very strong bond of trust. Maybe if he can help you unlock that door, then I can help you deal with whatever is behind it. I have a feeling this is buried pretty deep, and it's probably related to your other concerns as well. If anybody can get to it, Lennie can. He's a pretty astute observer of the human condition."
Jack chuckled. "That he is. Thanks, doc. You've given me a lot to think about."
As Skoda headed to the door, he turned with one last comment. "Oh, by the way, Jack, don't be an ass. Call him and apologize." Skoda grinned at him as he closed the door behind him.
He was right. Jack reached for the phone, tried Lennie's number at the precinct. No answer. "Damn it, what's it going to take to get him to use a cell phone!" He tried Ed's cell. "Hey, Ed, it's Jack. Is Lennie around? Oh. Listen, would you have him give me a call when he gets a chance? Thanks. Yeah, I'm OK. Right arm's a total mess, but it will heal. Yeah. Thanks."
Lennie meandered back to his desk, coffee mug in hand. It was his fourth cup today, and it wasn't helping. He yawned as he sat back down at his desk. "Hey, Lennie," his partner called, "your roomie was just looking for you. Give him a call at home."
Lennie hesitated before reaching for the phone, not sure what to expect. "Jack, it's me." "Oh, hi Lennie. How you doing?" "Hanging in there. Could have used a few more hours sleep." "Yeah, I know. Lennie, I'm sorry." Silence. "Look, I know you can't really talk now. I just wanted you to know. I had lunch today with Skoda, he gave me a lot to think about. We'll talk about it tonight, OK? Any chance you can get home early?" "I'll see what I can do. And Jack . . . thanks." "OK, Lennie. See you later."
Damn it, why was he crying? Was it really that important to him? //Guess so, // he sighed.
Just after 6PM, Lennie returned home, bringing Chinese food as a peace offering. Jack stood there, biting his lip, not sure what to say.
"Lennie, I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened last night. I guess this thing affected me more than I wanted to admit. Skoda thinks that it's all related somehow, the nightmares, my ambivalence last night. He also thinks that you're the best one to help me sort this out. He's right - I don't respond well to shrinks prying around in my head. But I think maybe I could talk to you . . . Will you help me, Lennie? I need you . . ."
Lennie's heart burst as the tears spilled over Jack's cheeks. His long stride ate up the distance across the room between them, his arms reaching out to hold his hurting friend. "I'm here, Jack. I'm not going anywhere." Jack buried his head into Lennie's shoulder; Lennie stroked his hair and bent to place a gentle kiss. "Whatever you need, Jack, I'm here. Even if it means sleeping in the other bedroom . . ." Jack looked up. "No, Lennie. I want you with me. Really. Skoda and I had a long talk today, and I think I at least have that part figured out. He has an interesting theory. . ." Lennie looked into his eyes, wondering if this time he could trust the answer there. He had a feeling this was going to be a roller coaster ride for a while. "Lennie, I have a confession. That motorcycle ride? I was aroused too. Why do you think I wanted you to come along? But I've gotten very good over the years at ignoring things I don't want to deal with. So while you dealt with it, I just buried it. I don't want to bury this anymore."
Lennie nodded, accepting the likelihood that there would be more pain along this road, but that it would be worth it in the end. He took Jack's face between his hands and kissed him, tenderly. "We're in this together, Jack. We'll be ok."
Jack sighed and leaned heavily against Lennie. // Oh, thank god. I couldn't bear to lose him now. // Lennie gave him one last squeeze, then let go. Putting his arm around Jack's shoulders, he headed in the direction of the food. "Come on, Jack. How about we eat dinner before I hang out my shingle?" Jack laughed and gratefully sank down on the couch beside Lennie as his roomie began sorting out the Chinese food boxes.
After dinner, Lennie settled into the corner of the couch with Jack snuggled under his arm. "So what did you two talk about today that changed your attitude so much?" Jack had been so conflicted last night - or was it this morning? - that it was hard to reconcile with the man curled up around him right now.
"Well, part of it was how much it hurt to send you away. I regretted it right after I said it." "That made two of us." Jack nodded and hugged Lennie's arm closer to him. "But I guess the biggest thing was that he told me that I'm not gay. I guess I was thinking Sunday that if this was real, all of my previous relationships had to be a lie. If I was really gay, I couldn't have truly loved a woman. I could accept that for most of it, but not Claire. //oh god, not again. I swear, if I could get my hands on that ghost haunting him . . .// I just couldn't convince myself that that had been a lie. But if it wasn't, how could this be real? It just wasn't making sense.
"But Skoda gave me another option. He has an interesting theory . . ." Jack described the bell curve of sexuality that Skoda's grad student had come up with. "So I guess I'm like 90% attracted to women, and 10% to men, or something like that. You just happen to make the 10%." Lennie nodded. "You know, that actually makes a lot of sense to me." He trailed his fingers through Jack's hair. "So back in September . . ." "We were both subconsciously looking for an excuse." "Uh huh." He ran his fingers along Lennie's forearm. "Hey, Lennie. How about this spring we get away for a weekend? I know a place upstate where we can get a cabin for the weekend. Couple hours ride on the bike. Plenty of time before then to get you a custom helmet wired into my system so we can talk. Whaddaya say?"
Lennie smiled. "Couple of hours on that deathtrap? With that big, vibrating engine and my arms wrapped around you? How many motels are you planning on stopping at along the way?" Jack laughed. "I take it that's a yes?" Lennie squeezed him to confirm and nuzzled at his neck. Jack never had gotten around to putting on a shirt . . . Sharp intake of breath as Lennie's tongue found the channel between shoulder and neck. "ooh, that's nice. Is this the part where we kiss and make up?" "What do you think?" Lennie asked as he pulled Jack around and silenced him with a kiss.
Sunday Night / early Monday morning: Doubts
// Jack huddled on the floor, trying to make himself as small as possible. He wanted to disappear completely. The huge, powerful hands were coming back toward him. Tossing him around like a rag doll. Hurting. He cried out in pain as he landed on his arm, breaking it. His father reached out toward him again . . . //
"No, please, no! NO!!!!!!"
Lennie woke at the sound, and sighed. Jack was having another nightmare. Third night in a row since the day he had been attacked. Unfortunately, it was Sunday night, and Lennie had to go back to work tomorrow. He rolled over and gently shook his bedmate, "Jack, wake up. It's just a dream." "Lennie? Oh, god, not again!" Jack sat up and buried his face in his hands. Lennie sat up and wrapped his arms around his lover. Jack flinched at the touch. "Jack, what's wrong?"
"I don't know. Guess I'm just jumpy, is all." "No, you've been distant all day. What is it?"
Jack didn't want to hurt Lennie. But it was easier than talking about the dream . . .
"I don't know, Lennie. Maybe you were right Friday night - we shouldn't have moved so fast. We should have waited for reality to come back."
"You having second thoughts, about us?" Lennie's stomach did a flip-flop. He pulled back, releasing his friend from his embrace and propping himself up on the pillow.
"Is this so easy for you?" Jack looked at him. "You said you'd never been with a man before, either. Yet you seem so comfortable with it - no doubts, no uncertainty? This happened so fast, I'm not sure I'm even ME anymore!"
"Trust me, Jack. You're you. I guess it is easier for me - I had a little more time than you to get used to the idea . . ."
Jack looked at him, confused. "What do you mean?"
Lennie hesitated, pretty sure Jack wasn't going to like what he was about to say. "This past September. Remember when you conned me into riding that deathtrap with you? And we got caught in that downpour?" It had been a perfect early autumn Saturday, too nice to be cooped up inside. Jack had badgered Lennie all morning until he had agreed to go out on the bike. "Your shirt was soaked through. I was sitting behind you, feeling that engine purring, feeling you through the wet shirt. I don't know why, Jack, but I started feeling aroused. Shocked the hell out of me. Never in a million years would I have expected that. But I couldn't deny what had happened. It was either accept that I could be attracted to a man, or deny a part of myself. Since then, I've kicked the idea around the block a few times. Hell, half the world already thought we were lovers, might as well do the crime if we were already doing the time! But believe me, I NEVER would have actually done anything. I figured your heart belonged to Claire, and probably always would."
Jack stared at Lennie, shocked. "You've been fantasizing about me since September?" // And whose idea was it to get him onto the bike in the first place? // His conscience countered.
Lennie nodded. "Yeah, so I've already had time to deal with this. That's why I didn't want to do anything Friday night. But yesterday morning, you seemed so sure . . ."
Jack sighed, running his fingers through his hair. His Catholic upbringing was rearing its ugly head. // And just what would your father say about this? // But that was too close to the real issue, so he ducked it. "Lennie, I'm sorry. I just don't know how I feel about this right now. Maybe you better sleep in the other bedroom the rest of the night . . ." Lennie nodded sadly and got out of bed, reaching for his robe on the way out.
Seeing the hurt in Lennie's eyes left a dagger in his heart. Jack fell over onto his side, pulling the warm pillow Lennie had left behind into a one-armed embrace, and cried silently until he finally fell asleep again.
Lennie was up way too early the next morning. He had laid awake in the guest room for a long time, wondering if he had done the right thing in telling Jack about his fantasies. He remembered how uncomfortable he had been that first day. //Why was this happening to him? Was he gay? Was that why his marriages had failed? But then why had he never felt like that before in all his 50-odd years? Why now - why Jack? // He still didn't have good answers to all the questions, especially those last two. But he had decided that some things were simply meant to be. He hoped Jack just needed some time to work it out for himself.
The plan had been for him to get Jack up and dressed before he left. // Let him sleep. If he needs me, he'll call. // He headed for the station, working on his explanation for when Ed asked why he looked like shit. Because Ed WOULD ask. And he wouldn't leave well enough alone. Jack was having nightmares. Loud ones. That should be enough to placate his nosy partner . . .
When Jack finally woke up, the daylight was streaming in behind the curtains, and he realized that Lennie had to be long gone by now. 9:30. Yup, long gone. // I wonder if he's ever going to come back . . . // Jack wouldn't blame him if he didn't. He didn't know what had gotten into him last night. Yes, he had his doubts about this new kind of relationship. Until Friday, he had never even considered that their friendship might be something more. He was as straight as they come, a regular ladies' man. How many assistants had he bedded over the years? He had a reputation, for god's sake! He couldn't be gay! Not that there was anything WRONG with being gay, it's just that he WASN'T!
// And yet . . . all those long evenings after Cathy died, holding Lennie as he cried. And whose idea WAS that motorcycle ride that had started Lennie on this path? Hadn't he secretly enjoyed it when Lennie wrapped his arms around him? The rain had just been a bonus . . .//
If only he hadn't had the nightmare. Heart to heart conversations in the middle of the night were very Dickensian - either the best of times, or the worst of times. Three nights since the attack, three nightmares . . .
The phone rang, startling him out of his reverie. "Hello? Abbie, hi, yes, I'm allright. Kinda banged up, broken arm, dislocated shoulder, whole damn right side strapped up, but nothing that won't heal. //nothing visible, that is . . .// No, please, Abbie, not today. I'm not ready for company yet. Maybe later this week, OK? I promise, I'll tell you the whole story over lunch. Yeah, they want me to keep the shoulder immobilized for a week. They'll unstrap me on Friday, so I should be able to be back at the office next week. But call me if you need anything - even though I can't write or drive or even pull on a damned shirt, my brain still works fine. OK, thanks, Abbie. Yeah. Bye."
He had left a message on her voice mail yesterday with a watered-down version of Friday's events, saying he wouldn't be in this week. He was glad she called; Abbie was a great assistant. She could be just as stubborn as he was. It certainly kept things interesting. But not interesting enough to ask her out? Hell, when had his assistants started getting so young? And why was he even thinking about this?
He sighed and got out of bed. Alone in the apartment, he was going to have way too much time to think today. But going out meant getting dressed, and with only one working arm, that wasn't too likely. Who the hell could he call for some help, here? If Adam Schiff hadn't retired, he could have certainly called on his lifelong friend and mentor. But Adam had retired to his home upstate. Certainly not the new DA, Nora Lewin, or Abbie . . . Wait a minute. Wasn't he supposed to meet Emil Skoda for lunch today? He could count on the good doctor's professionalism in an otherwise embarrassing situation. // and maybe a little advice, as well? //
He dug out the phone number. "Emil? It's Jack. Listen, about lunch today . . . oh, Abbie already called you? Yeah, well, now that you have a nice big hole in your schedule, I was wondering if you could come over. Well, actually, I could use some help here. Yes, I told her I wasn't up for company today, but . . . you're going to make me say this, aren't you? I didn't want Abbie coming over because with this damned arm, I can't even put on my pants. Are you happy now? Fine, I'll see you in a bit."
Shrinks. Had to make you admit to every little thing. Liz Olivett used to drive him crazy, trying to back-door psychoanalyze him when they were supposed to be talking about some of the nut-cases he had to prosecute . . . // But maybe there is something to this talking thing . . . //
With a fair bit of effort, he managed to at least get his robe wrapped around his body and tied a one-handed slip knot in the belt. Skoda showed up a little later, grinning at Jack's discomfort. As he helped Jack into the jeans, he asked "So, I would have expected your roommate would have helped you with this?" Jack hesitated, the shrink's proximity to his private parts while mentioning Lennie practically made him squirm - exactly as Skoda intended. "I guess he decided to let me sleep this morning." "You, sleep in?" "Yeah, well it was a rough night last night." //Damn. Wasn't supposed to mention that . . . //
Skoda regarded his friend. "You having trouble sleeping? From the attack?" // Oh, hell. He's not going to let it go now. Might as well get this over with.// Jack nodded, and led Skoda back out to the living room. Skoda took the chair, leaving Jack the clichéd couch. "Nightmares. Every night. And then Lennie and I had a fight . . ."
"Last night?" "Yeah, he woke me up, said I was dreaming again." "He heard you from his room?" Jack bit his lip, decided to "fess up." "No." He looked up at Skoda, daring him to say something.
//So, they finally gave in, huh?// Skoda thought as he watched Jack. He had been watching these two closely for a couple of months. A close friendship, closer than most. Jack didn't let many people get that close to him. Both aging bachelors, 3 failed marriages between them, both carrying a lot of pain. Both married to their very demanding jobs. It made a weird sort of sense. //It's not the main issue, but he wants to deal with this first. Anything to avoid talking about those nightmares.// Skoda just sat there, waiting for Jack to say the rest.
Jack finally sighed and said "He was in bed with me. You happy now?" The standard shrink reply, "Are you?" passed through his mind, but he discarded it for now. With a shrug, he asked "How long has that been going on?" "Since Friday night. After the first nightmare, I asked him to stay." // the nightmare again. But let's deal with this first. // "For comfort." "Yeah. I didn't want to be alone." "Did it go beyond comfort?" Jack was obviously very uncomfortable right now. The red was creeping up his neck. "Saturday. Yeah, way beyond." "Did you enjoy it?" Swallow. Eyes averted. "Yes." "And this is a problem?" "I guess I just can't figure it out. I'm not gay. I've never been attracted to men before. So why now? Is this real, or was it just the stress of the assault?" "You're not gay. That much I can say with certainty. I've watched you watch women, Jack. You may be bisexual, but you're definitely not gay." Jack blinked, and stared at the shrink. Skoda smiled. "Hadn't thought of that option, had you? People tend to think of sexuality like a coin with 2 sides, gay or straight. But it's not that simple. There hasn't been a lot of research yet on this, but let me share with you something a grad student once proposed to me. She envisioned the range of human sexuality as a bell curve. As you move to the right along the bell curve, your percentage of "straightness" increases. So way up in the tip of the curve are the people who are close to 100% straight; at the beginning of the curve they are 100% gay. The way a bell curve is structured, there are very few of them at either end. The vast majority of people fall somewhere in between. Most of us are capable of experiencing pleasure with either men or women. But our society puts such a premium on straight relationships that unless you are pretty far into the "gay" tail of the curve, you tend to ignore that part of your sexuality. You get the satisfaction you need from your "majority" preference, so you don't need to look beyond that. But special circumstances can bring out the hidden side. Like an unusually close friendship. Or a near-death experience."
He sat back, letting Jack take in the information. "Jack, I've been watching you and Lennie for a couple of months now. I won't say I was exactly expecting this, but let's just say I was wondering if you were going to provide some proof for that theory. You two are good for each other; you've certainly been much happier since he moved in here. Look, only you can decide if this is what you really want. Just don't throw it away because of preconceived notions. Loving Lennie now doesn't invalidate what you had with Claire. It doesn't make it a lie."
//How did he know? // Jack sighed. He looked up at Skoda, smiled thinly, and nodded.
"Good. Because you're going to need Lennie's help to get rid of those nightmares."
//Oh shit. Back to that . . . //
"Jack, it's obvious that you don't want to talk about the nightmares. You brought up issues about your sexuality to avoid the subject. For you, that's major avoidance. If you want to make an appointment to come to my office, I'll help you dig it out. But I think for you it would be better to talk to Lennie. You've never been one to respond well to a clinical setting. You resent the intrusion. But you two have a very strong bond of trust. Maybe if he can help you unlock that door, then I can help you deal with whatever is behind it. I have a feeling this is buried pretty deep, and it's probably related to your other concerns as well. If anybody can get to it, Lennie can. He's a pretty astute observer of the human condition."
Jack chuckled. "That he is. Thanks, doc. You've given me a lot to think about."
As Skoda headed to the door, he turned with one last comment. "Oh, by the way, Jack, don't be an ass. Call him and apologize." Skoda grinned at him as he closed the door behind him.
He was right. Jack reached for the phone, tried Lennie's number at the precinct. No answer. "Damn it, what's it going to take to get him to use a cell phone!" He tried Ed's cell. "Hey, Ed, it's Jack. Is Lennie around? Oh. Listen, would you have him give me a call when he gets a chance? Thanks. Yeah, I'm OK. Right arm's a total mess, but it will heal. Yeah. Thanks."
Lennie meandered back to his desk, coffee mug in hand. It was his fourth cup today, and it wasn't helping. He yawned as he sat back down at his desk. "Hey, Lennie," his partner called, "your roomie was just looking for you. Give him a call at home."
Lennie hesitated before reaching for the phone, not sure what to expect. "Jack, it's me." "Oh, hi Lennie. How you doing?" "Hanging in there. Could have used a few more hours sleep." "Yeah, I know. Lennie, I'm sorry." Silence. "Look, I know you can't really talk now. I just wanted you to know. I had lunch today with Skoda, he gave me a lot to think about. We'll talk about it tonight, OK? Any chance you can get home early?" "I'll see what I can do. And Jack . . . thanks." "OK, Lennie. See you later."
Damn it, why was he crying? Was it really that important to him? //Guess so, // he sighed.
Just after 6PM, Lennie returned home, bringing Chinese food as a peace offering. Jack stood there, biting his lip, not sure what to say.
"Lennie, I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened last night. I guess this thing affected me more than I wanted to admit. Skoda thinks that it's all related somehow, the nightmares, my ambivalence last night. He also thinks that you're the best one to help me sort this out. He's right - I don't respond well to shrinks prying around in my head. But I think maybe I could talk to you . . . Will you help me, Lennie? I need you . . ."
Lennie's heart burst as the tears spilled over Jack's cheeks. His long stride ate up the distance across the room between them, his arms reaching out to hold his hurting friend. "I'm here, Jack. I'm not going anywhere." Jack buried his head into Lennie's shoulder; Lennie stroked his hair and bent to place a gentle kiss. "Whatever you need, Jack, I'm here. Even if it means sleeping in the other bedroom . . ." Jack looked up. "No, Lennie. I want you with me. Really. Skoda and I had a long talk today, and I think I at least have that part figured out. He has an interesting theory. . ." Lennie looked into his eyes, wondering if this time he could trust the answer there. He had a feeling this was going to be a roller coaster ride for a while. "Lennie, I have a confession. That motorcycle ride? I was aroused too. Why do you think I wanted you to come along? But I've gotten very good over the years at ignoring things I don't want to deal with. So while you dealt with it, I just buried it. I don't want to bury this anymore."
Lennie nodded, accepting the likelihood that there would be more pain along this road, but that it would be worth it in the end. He took Jack's face between his hands and kissed him, tenderly. "We're in this together, Jack. We'll be ok."
Jack sighed and leaned heavily against Lennie. // Oh, thank god. I couldn't bear to lose him now. // Lennie gave him one last squeeze, then let go. Putting his arm around Jack's shoulders, he headed in the direction of the food. "Come on, Jack. How about we eat dinner before I hang out my shingle?" Jack laughed and gratefully sank down on the couch beside Lennie as his roomie began sorting out the Chinese food boxes.
After dinner, Lennie settled into the corner of the couch with Jack snuggled under his arm. "So what did you two talk about today that changed your attitude so much?" Jack had been so conflicted last night - or was it this morning? - that it was hard to reconcile with the man curled up around him right now.
"Well, part of it was how much it hurt to send you away. I regretted it right after I said it." "That made two of us." Jack nodded and hugged Lennie's arm closer to him. "But I guess the biggest thing was that he told me that I'm not gay. I guess I was thinking Sunday that if this was real, all of my previous relationships had to be a lie. If I was really gay, I couldn't have truly loved a woman. I could accept that for most of it, but not Claire. //oh god, not again. I swear, if I could get my hands on that ghost haunting him . . .// I just couldn't convince myself that that had been a lie. But if it wasn't, how could this be real? It just wasn't making sense.
"But Skoda gave me another option. He has an interesting theory . . ." Jack described the bell curve of sexuality that Skoda's grad student had come up with. "So I guess I'm like 90% attracted to women, and 10% to men, or something like that. You just happen to make the 10%." Lennie nodded. "You know, that actually makes a lot of sense to me." He trailed his fingers through Jack's hair. "So back in September . . ." "We were both subconsciously looking for an excuse." "Uh huh." He ran his fingers along Lennie's forearm. "Hey, Lennie. How about this spring we get away for a weekend? I know a place upstate where we can get a cabin for the weekend. Couple hours ride on the bike. Plenty of time before then to get you a custom helmet wired into my system so we can talk. Whaddaya say?"
Lennie smiled. "Couple of hours on that deathtrap? With that big, vibrating engine and my arms wrapped around you? How many motels are you planning on stopping at along the way?" Jack laughed. "I take it that's a yes?" Lennie squeezed him to confirm and nuzzled at his neck. Jack never had gotten around to putting on a shirt . . . Sharp intake of breath as Lennie's tongue found the channel between shoulder and neck. "ooh, that's nice. Is this the part where we kiss and make up?" "What do you think?" Lennie asked as he pulled Jack around and silenced him with a kiss.