Chapter 40
After a quick shower and some strong coffee, Grissom found himself staring at Sara's letter. He had leaned it against the plush bear, which was flanked by her plants on his dining room table. A humorless laugh escaped when he recognized he had made a make-shift shrine to unrealistic expectations.
Sipping his coffee, he turned his attention to the plants. She had never even bothered to repot them. They were probably root-bound by now. All it would have taken was a little attention, and they would have flourished.
Grissom sighed at the rush of guilt. How much happier would Sara have been if he had bothered to show her some attention? Would she still have been here or would she have found another reason to leave him?
He looked back at the letter.
Kane's phone call had guaranteed he wouldn't be going back to sleep anytime soon, but he wasn't sure he wanted to read it. Apparently, it held the answers he wanted, but those answers could just as easily be bad.
He'd already suffered through more pain than he imagined possible. Was there anything she could say that could ease it? Or would he be just setting himself up for more injuries?
Deciding the uncertainty was worse, he took the letter over the couch, eventually slitting open the envelope and taking out the contents. The outer sheet was a list of contact information. At least she hadn't intended to hide from him.
Feeling nervous, he turned his attention to her final words to him.
"Hey Grissom,
"There's a lot I need to tell you, but I'm not sure how to start. I'm pretty upset right now, but I'll try to explain everything coherently. Please be patient. Words aren't my strong suit, so don't expect Shakespeare.
"First, I guess I should apologize for leaving a letter. So much happened after the last time we talked. The deposition lasted too long, or I would have gone to see you before you left. Not that it mattered, some of this happened while you were away.
"I wanted to tell you this personally, but I can't stay in Las Vegas that long. I need to get away. I was afraid to call you. I think I would have just babbled, and I didn't want to worry you. Trust me, this isn't how I wanted to do this.
"I'm sure you figured out the deposition bothered me. There's something that happened on the bus that I never told you. I'm sorry about that, but I was afraid of how you'd react. I know it's a stupid thing to be afraid of, but I haven't been able to shake it. Even Philip thinks I was crazy to worry over this. (That was a joke.)
"The incident was enough for me to question whether I can return to the field. I guess I should apologize for not telling you that sooner. I've known for a while that I may never come back. Anyway, my self-confidence is pretty much shot right now. Philip tells me it'll get better, and I hope he's right. Until I know for sure, I won't go back to the field. I'm afraid I'll mess up.
"Back to the deposition: It really got to me. I know, that's probably pretty obvious, but I never let you know just how much it was bothering me. It started the old problems up again. I can't stop shaking at times, and the nightmares have gotten worse.
"You already know it made me lose my self-control. I wish there was some way I could ease your pain. I swear, I never meant to let people know you were seeing Philip. God, Grissom, there is no way I can ever tell you how sorry I am for that. Please, if nothing else, believe me when I say I'd do anything to take that back.
"I won't blame you if you never forgive me – it was unforgivable. If you can ever find it in your heart to do so, I promise, I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you.
"What makes this so painful is I know how much you sacrificed by agreeing to go to therapy. There's no way I can describe the way it made me feel when Philip told me you were seeing him in order to help me. I know how hard it is to expose yourself to that type of scrutiny. I didn't have a choice. I had to go in order to get myself back together. But you didn't. You volunteered to go through that, for me.
"If I hadn't already been in love with you, I think that would have cinched it.
"Yeah, I really wrote that. I mean it.
"I know I haven't given you any reason to believe it, with the way I've been treating you, but it is true. I wish I could have shown you how I feel.
"It seems all I've been able to do is hurt you. It made me sick every time I saw the pain I caused you. I'm so sorry for that. I don't mean to do it, but it's not something I have any control over.
"That's why I have to leave. I can't keep hurting you. It's gone beyond physical or emotional pain. I may have damaged your career. There was no excuse for my betraying your trust. Let me make it clear: That was my fault. Don't blame Cath, or the others. I did it, and I would do anything to change that.
"If your seeing Philip gets out, we both know some attorney will try to destroy your credibility. I know your job is the most important thing in your life. I am so sorry that I may have taken that from you.
"All I can do right now is take. I don't have anything to offer in return. I know you want to help, and I've been tempted. I can't tell you the number of times I found myself parked outside your townhouse after I'd have a nightmare. I just wanted to go in and ask you to hold me.
"Honestly, I wouldn't have wanted to stop with just a hug. I do want you, but not that way. I would have been using you, Grissom, and that's something I'd never do. What I feel for you isn't something cheap. I'd never want to treat it that way.
"Anyway, I need to get away, until I can get some sort of control over myself. I don't know how long that will take. There's too much for me to handle right now in Las Vegas. I can't stay there. Every time I see someone in the office, it just reminds me that I hurt you. I feel like everyone is watching me, waiting to see what dumb thing I'll do next. It's even to the point I couldn't stand to be in my own apartment. Too many bad memories.
"I'm going back to Santa Barbara. Jimmy Kahill, my ex-advisor, offered me a job. It's not much. I'll be filling in for one of their research assistants who's going on sabbatical.
"I think being away will help. I keep hurting you, and that messes me up even more. Does that make any sense? Please, don't blame yourself for any of this. You've been so wonderful. I know you are trying, and that means a lot to me.
"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. I am. One thing that really scares me is you. It really hurt when you shut me out over the last year. I know now that it was because of your hearing, but I can't shake the thought that you'll do it again. That's my problem, not yours. I think it's because I'm not even sure about myself, so I can't trust others. Don't let that bother you. There's nothing else you could have possibly done.
" I think that's what scares me the most. You've sacrificed so much already and have gotten nothing in return but pain. I'm afraid that one day you're going to realize that this has all been too much. That I'll have hurt you one too many times, and you'll decide I'm not worth the effort.
"Grissom, I won't blame you if you do decide this is too hard. I don't know how long it will be before I can offer you anything in return. Don't feel obligated. This is your chance to get out. I honestly won't hold it against you. I'll always be grateful for what you have given me. I'd rather you back out now, rather than later. That would only hurt both of us more.
"If you decide you want to drop this, then don't let this stop you from finding happiness somewhere else. I can only imagine how painful all this must have been for you, but it's my fault. You did nothing wrong. Don't close yourself back up again. There's plenty of stable women out there who would be glad to be with you.
"I'll be staying with my parents for a couple of weeks before I head down to Santa Barbara. I'm not sure I can talk to you right now. I'm still a mess. I think I'd either scare you or hurt you. If you are still interested, then send me a note or a fax. I'll get back to you when I'm able to.
"I meant what I said. If you want out, I'll understand. If you can give me some more time, I'll try to make this up to you. I really think we can be happy together, once I get myself straightened out.
"I do love you, Grissom. Please, if nothing else, remember that. No matter what happens, I'll always be in your debt for all you've done for me. I hope you'll give me the chance to repay you some day.
"Love,
"Sara"
Grissom re-read the letter twice. Instead of answering his questions, it left him feeling more confused. She said she loved him, but she was afraid of him. How could she feel both? Would she ever feel safe with him? Could he ever make her feel secure? What would he have to sacrifice to do so?
Did he even want to try? She said she just needed time, but what if she never came to terms with this? Would she always be hurting him? How long would it be before something else triggered the desire to run away? He didn't think he could take that type of pain again.
Sara had given him a way out. It probably would be better for both of them if he took it. She was young and full of life. Once she got over this, she'd have no trouble finding someone else who could give her what she wanted.
But she said she wanted him. Even after reading that line multiple times, it still made Grissom's stomach quiver. Sara was so much younger, so beautiful and intelligent, and she wanted him – an out-of-shape, socially inept man nearly old enough to be her father. Why?
Grissom took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. She said she loved him. Did she? Or was she trying to let him down gently? He shook his head softly. Sara was honest. No matter what else was going on in her life, that was one quality he doubted she'd ever lose.
He knew he loved her, but the question remained: did he trust her? It wasn't her fault, but she hurt him on so many levels. There wasn't much he had left. His career could probably survive, but it was going to be a source of embarrassment for years.
'I know your job is the most important thing in your life.'
Grissom closed his eyes. The statement was perfectly true. In many ways, his job was his life. In hindsight, he decided it didn't say much for him. He was middle-aged and still alone. Despite what Sara said, he doubted there was anyone else who would ever put up with him.
His choice was simple: either live alone or try again with Sara, but live in fear she would hurt him again. He couldn't decide which option seemed less desperate.
Letting out a groan, he walked over to dump the remainder of his coffee, and started making a shopping list. On the way back from the grocery store, he'd run by the nursery and get some potting soil. The very least he could do was to keep his promise to Sara. If she ever came back, her plants would be waiting for her.
After a quick shower and some strong coffee, Grissom found himself staring at Sara's letter. He had leaned it against the plush bear, which was flanked by her plants on his dining room table. A humorless laugh escaped when he recognized he had made a make-shift shrine to unrealistic expectations.
Sipping his coffee, he turned his attention to the plants. She had never even bothered to repot them. They were probably root-bound by now. All it would have taken was a little attention, and they would have flourished.
Grissom sighed at the rush of guilt. How much happier would Sara have been if he had bothered to show her some attention? Would she still have been here or would she have found another reason to leave him?
He looked back at the letter.
Kane's phone call had guaranteed he wouldn't be going back to sleep anytime soon, but he wasn't sure he wanted to read it. Apparently, it held the answers he wanted, but those answers could just as easily be bad.
He'd already suffered through more pain than he imagined possible. Was there anything she could say that could ease it? Or would he be just setting himself up for more injuries?
Deciding the uncertainty was worse, he took the letter over the couch, eventually slitting open the envelope and taking out the contents. The outer sheet was a list of contact information. At least she hadn't intended to hide from him.
Feeling nervous, he turned his attention to her final words to him.
"Hey Grissom,
"There's a lot I need to tell you, but I'm not sure how to start. I'm pretty upset right now, but I'll try to explain everything coherently. Please be patient. Words aren't my strong suit, so don't expect Shakespeare.
"First, I guess I should apologize for leaving a letter. So much happened after the last time we talked. The deposition lasted too long, or I would have gone to see you before you left. Not that it mattered, some of this happened while you were away.
"I wanted to tell you this personally, but I can't stay in Las Vegas that long. I need to get away. I was afraid to call you. I think I would have just babbled, and I didn't want to worry you. Trust me, this isn't how I wanted to do this.
"I'm sure you figured out the deposition bothered me. There's something that happened on the bus that I never told you. I'm sorry about that, but I was afraid of how you'd react. I know it's a stupid thing to be afraid of, but I haven't been able to shake it. Even Philip thinks I was crazy to worry over this. (That was a joke.)
"The incident was enough for me to question whether I can return to the field. I guess I should apologize for not telling you that sooner. I've known for a while that I may never come back. Anyway, my self-confidence is pretty much shot right now. Philip tells me it'll get better, and I hope he's right. Until I know for sure, I won't go back to the field. I'm afraid I'll mess up.
"Back to the deposition: It really got to me. I know, that's probably pretty obvious, but I never let you know just how much it was bothering me. It started the old problems up again. I can't stop shaking at times, and the nightmares have gotten worse.
"You already know it made me lose my self-control. I wish there was some way I could ease your pain. I swear, I never meant to let people know you were seeing Philip. God, Grissom, there is no way I can ever tell you how sorry I am for that. Please, if nothing else, believe me when I say I'd do anything to take that back.
"I won't blame you if you never forgive me – it was unforgivable. If you can ever find it in your heart to do so, I promise, I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you.
"What makes this so painful is I know how much you sacrificed by agreeing to go to therapy. There's no way I can describe the way it made me feel when Philip told me you were seeing him in order to help me. I know how hard it is to expose yourself to that type of scrutiny. I didn't have a choice. I had to go in order to get myself back together. But you didn't. You volunteered to go through that, for me.
"If I hadn't already been in love with you, I think that would have cinched it.
"Yeah, I really wrote that. I mean it.
"I know I haven't given you any reason to believe it, with the way I've been treating you, but it is true. I wish I could have shown you how I feel.
"It seems all I've been able to do is hurt you. It made me sick every time I saw the pain I caused you. I'm so sorry for that. I don't mean to do it, but it's not something I have any control over.
"That's why I have to leave. I can't keep hurting you. It's gone beyond physical or emotional pain. I may have damaged your career. There was no excuse for my betraying your trust. Let me make it clear: That was my fault. Don't blame Cath, or the others. I did it, and I would do anything to change that.
"If your seeing Philip gets out, we both know some attorney will try to destroy your credibility. I know your job is the most important thing in your life. I am so sorry that I may have taken that from you.
"All I can do right now is take. I don't have anything to offer in return. I know you want to help, and I've been tempted. I can't tell you the number of times I found myself parked outside your townhouse after I'd have a nightmare. I just wanted to go in and ask you to hold me.
"Honestly, I wouldn't have wanted to stop with just a hug. I do want you, but not that way. I would have been using you, Grissom, and that's something I'd never do. What I feel for you isn't something cheap. I'd never want to treat it that way.
"Anyway, I need to get away, until I can get some sort of control over myself. I don't know how long that will take. There's too much for me to handle right now in Las Vegas. I can't stay there. Every time I see someone in the office, it just reminds me that I hurt you. I feel like everyone is watching me, waiting to see what dumb thing I'll do next. It's even to the point I couldn't stand to be in my own apartment. Too many bad memories.
"I'm going back to Santa Barbara. Jimmy Kahill, my ex-advisor, offered me a job. It's not much. I'll be filling in for one of their research assistants who's going on sabbatical.
"I think being away will help. I keep hurting you, and that messes me up even more. Does that make any sense? Please, don't blame yourself for any of this. You've been so wonderful. I know you are trying, and that means a lot to me.
"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid. I am. One thing that really scares me is you. It really hurt when you shut me out over the last year. I know now that it was because of your hearing, but I can't shake the thought that you'll do it again. That's my problem, not yours. I think it's because I'm not even sure about myself, so I can't trust others. Don't let that bother you. There's nothing else you could have possibly done.
" I think that's what scares me the most. You've sacrificed so much already and have gotten nothing in return but pain. I'm afraid that one day you're going to realize that this has all been too much. That I'll have hurt you one too many times, and you'll decide I'm not worth the effort.
"Grissom, I won't blame you if you do decide this is too hard. I don't know how long it will be before I can offer you anything in return. Don't feel obligated. This is your chance to get out. I honestly won't hold it against you. I'll always be grateful for what you have given me. I'd rather you back out now, rather than later. That would only hurt both of us more.
"If you decide you want to drop this, then don't let this stop you from finding happiness somewhere else. I can only imagine how painful all this must have been for you, but it's my fault. You did nothing wrong. Don't close yourself back up again. There's plenty of stable women out there who would be glad to be with you.
"I'll be staying with my parents for a couple of weeks before I head down to Santa Barbara. I'm not sure I can talk to you right now. I'm still a mess. I think I'd either scare you or hurt you. If you are still interested, then send me a note or a fax. I'll get back to you when I'm able to.
"I meant what I said. If you want out, I'll understand. If you can give me some more time, I'll try to make this up to you. I really think we can be happy together, once I get myself straightened out.
"I do love you, Grissom. Please, if nothing else, remember that. No matter what happens, I'll always be in your debt for all you've done for me. I hope you'll give me the chance to repay you some day.
"Love,
"Sara"
Grissom re-read the letter twice. Instead of answering his questions, it left him feeling more confused. She said she loved him, but she was afraid of him. How could she feel both? Would she ever feel safe with him? Could he ever make her feel secure? What would he have to sacrifice to do so?
Did he even want to try? She said she just needed time, but what if she never came to terms with this? Would she always be hurting him? How long would it be before something else triggered the desire to run away? He didn't think he could take that type of pain again.
Sara had given him a way out. It probably would be better for both of them if he took it. She was young and full of life. Once she got over this, she'd have no trouble finding someone else who could give her what she wanted.
But she said she wanted him. Even after reading that line multiple times, it still made Grissom's stomach quiver. Sara was so much younger, so beautiful and intelligent, and she wanted him – an out-of-shape, socially inept man nearly old enough to be her father. Why?
Grissom took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. She said she loved him. Did she? Or was she trying to let him down gently? He shook his head softly. Sara was honest. No matter what else was going on in her life, that was one quality he doubted she'd ever lose.
He knew he loved her, but the question remained: did he trust her? It wasn't her fault, but she hurt him on so many levels. There wasn't much he had left. His career could probably survive, but it was going to be a source of embarrassment for years.
'I know your job is the most important thing in your life.'
Grissom closed his eyes. The statement was perfectly true. In many ways, his job was his life. In hindsight, he decided it didn't say much for him. He was middle-aged and still alone. Despite what Sara said, he doubted there was anyone else who would ever put up with him.
His choice was simple: either live alone or try again with Sara, but live in fear she would hurt him again. He couldn't decide which option seemed less desperate.
Letting out a groan, he walked over to dump the remainder of his coffee, and started making a shopping list. On the way back from the grocery store, he'd run by the nursery and get some potting soil. The very least he could do was to keep his promise to Sara. If she ever came back, her plants would be waiting for her.