I know what's wrong with me. I'm a pushover. I'm a fucking pushover and
everyone knows it and don't want to be around me because of it. If I could
only see the vibes I give off. I imagine them as a misty puce, a fog around
me, warning everyone not to get too close. It's my own damn fault no one
likes me. I act fake around them so they are forced to do the same or avoid
me altogether.
Why am I such a pushover though? Is it because people don't like me or is it just. because? All I know is that I can't change it. No matter how hard I try, I'm either a pushover or I'm a fake.
I tell myself to say what I really want to and if and when I do, I put a fake action or tone to it. It's just not me. Maybe I am just a pushover and there's nothing that can be done about it.
I like to watch people, analyze them and what they say, do, or how they act. I see people being annoying or not sticking up for themselves and I just want to smack them. I want to smack myself. Being one of those people would just kill me. I'd rather not 'be' at all than live like that. It just makes me sick. I strive to be as real and true to myself as I can, but always lapse into fakeness.
I want to be liked... I just want to be liked... needed... anything. I want sympathy without anyone feeling bad for me. I want an injury so people will come see me, but they have to laugh and be sarcastic and... It'll just never happen. I can't imagine getting deathly ill and having people swooning over me... My stomach turns just thinking about it. But I want that sort of attention... but I don't. I'd die if I were the center at attention because I know I'm not interesting enough to have that. I would never survive.
Piper is staring at me again. Stoppit, Piper.
Fine, I'll bite.
"What?" There it is, that shrug and smirk. I squint at her, wrinkling my nose. She does the same, but doesn't break eye contact. I'm the one to look away. It's like if I look at her like that too long, she'll figure out something about me that I don't know.
Why must she do that? She knows I like the attention and the dirty look thing is amusing, but why? Is she trying to read my mind? I hope she does. I want her to know what's going on in my head so she can help me get over it.
Help. I don't want it. Too much attention. Just go away.
A/N: Ah, lack of sense-making. *sigh*
Why am I such a pushover though? Is it because people don't like me or is it just. because? All I know is that I can't change it. No matter how hard I try, I'm either a pushover or I'm a fake.
I tell myself to say what I really want to and if and when I do, I put a fake action or tone to it. It's just not me. Maybe I am just a pushover and there's nothing that can be done about it.
I like to watch people, analyze them and what they say, do, or how they act. I see people being annoying or not sticking up for themselves and I just want to smack them. I want to smack myself. Being one of those people would just kill me. I'd rather not 'be' at all than live like that. It just makes me sick. I strive to be as real and true to myself as I can, but always lapse into fakeness.
I want to be liked... I just want to be liked... needed... anything. I want sympathy without anyone feeling bad for me. I want an injury so people will come see me, but they have to laugh and be sarcastic and... It'll just never happen. I can't imagine getting deathly ill and having people swooning over me... My stomach turns just thinking about it. But I want that sort of attention... but I don't. I'd die if I were the center at attention because I know I'm not interesting enough to have that. I would never survive.
Piper is staring at me again. Stoppit, Piper.
Fine, I'll bite.
"What?" There it is, that shrug and smirk. I squint at her, wrinkling my nose. She does the same, but doesn't break eye contact. I'm the one to look away. It's like if I look at her like that too long, she'll figure out something about me that I don't know.
Why must she do that? She knows I like the attention and the dirty look thing is amusing, but why? Is she trying to read my mind? I hope she does. I want her to know what's going on in my head so she can help me get over it.
Help. I don't want it. Too much attention. Just go away.
A/N: Ah, lack of sense-making. *sigh*