Summary: After viewing a horrific accident, Sara makes some hard decisions about her life. Obviously, a Sara-centered story, but with lots of friendship and a little bit of G/S at the end.
Rating: R for subject matter
A/N: No real spoilers. Thanks to Burked and all the others who previewed this for me.
Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own anything related to CSI. If I did, I'd be on a tropical beach right now.
Chapter 45
The following Friday morning found Grissom carefully carrying a package, trying not to attract any attention, but he failed to reach his office in time.
"Gil, come join us," Catherine called out softly, indicating the bags of carryout the rest of the team was getting ready to share.
Grissom didn't pause, but turned briefly, having to decline her offer twice. Reaching his sanctuary, he closed the door behind him, and let out a long sigh as he crossed to his desk.
In the five weeks since Sara had left, he'd received more invitations to meals, to grab a beer, movies and coffee than he could recall. Everyone seemed to have decided he needed cheering up. If their concern hadn't been based - at least partially - in pity, he'd have found his sudden social popularity amusing. Instead, it was irritating him.
He knew he was making it worse by avoiding the others. It wasn't something he relished, but he couldn't think of any other option. They were good. If he spent too much time around them, they would eventually realize that something was going on in his personal life, and that wasn't something he wanted them to know.
Things with Sara looked promising, but he knew the relationship was still fragile. They still needed time to build a solid foundation. Grissom wasn't going to take any chances by exposing it to scrutiny – even if it was from well-meaning friends.
Neither he nor Sara were ready for that type of attention.
The anonymity she had found in California had helped her recovery considerably. It had been obvious to him during the time they spent together last week. Without the constant violations of her privacy, she'd been able to rebuild some of her control and confidence. Sara had been more relaxed and laughed easily, but she wasn't completely herself.
He was still adjusting to sharing his life with just one person. Letting the others know wasn't something he was ready to do. Too much of his life had been made public earlier, and he hadn't handled it well. He'd lost control of too many things in short a time period, and nearly lost Sara in the process.
The irony wasn't lost on him. He'd gone to Philip in the first place to help become less isolated, but now he kept even more distance between himself and the others than before. Even Kane had chuckled when he brought it up.
Luckily, the departmental psychologist had been willing to meet him on an informal basis at his townhouse to talk over coffee. Grissom was too uncomfortable seeing Kane in his office once his therapy had become fodder for the office gossip pool.
Setting behind his desk, he took out his dinner and began to quickly eat. Half of the lab techs had food poisoning, and the casework was backing up. He hoped to have a chance to get to the grocery store today, and he needed to clean the townhouse.
Sara would be making her first visit tonight, catching a late flight out of Santa Barbara after work. Despite the fact that this trip had been his idea, Grissom found himself very nervous.
He couldn't help remembering Sara's letter. In truth, he'd read it so many times, the ink had started to rub off in places. Luckily, he had it memorized by now. She didn't want to start a relationship, because she didn't think she was ready.
Then what were they doing?
He knew Sara was afraid of using him. Grissom let out another long sigh, stabbing a leaf of lettuce mercilessly. He didn't feel used. But what did she think? Was she going to regret this later?
In all their conversations, they had covered a lot of ground, but there had been one thing Sara specifically hadn't mentioned: love. She had written in her parting letter that she loved him. But in all her phone calls, e-mails and in their direct communications, she'd never said it.
He knew he had hurt her by taking so long to contact her after she left, but he hoped she still felt the same way. Grissom wondered if she was keeping quiet for his sake. When he told her he hadn't told the others that he was visiting her, Sara had seemed supportive. She'd even stopped communicating with him at work, leaving all her messages for him at his townhouse. Maybe she didn't want him to feel rushed.
Of course, he hadn't told her how he felt, either. Should he? What if she wanted to go slow and he scared her off? He jabbed his lunch angrily. There were so many potential answers, but not all of them were good. He had no idea what to do.
His eyes darted to his Rolodex, but he stifled a groan. There was no way he was going to talk to Philip. Not about his sex life. No, no way, that was just too private. He had to draw a line somewhere.
~~~~~
"Grissom not joining us?" Nick asked as he entered the break room.
The others shook their heads. Despite their best efforts, no one had had any luck getting him to open up. Ever since news of his therapy got out, he'd become progressively more withdrawn from the rest of the team. While never a social butterfly, it now seemed to the others that he was actively avoiding them.
"He brought something to eat from home," Catherine said. "I told him he could leave it for tomorrow and join us, but he wouldn't."
She sat down wearily, worrying about her friend. He was taking this far too hard. Even when he was upset in the past, Grissom still would join the team for meals. She couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten with them, just that it was before Sara left.
An unaccustomed wave of guilt washed over her. While she usually lived by the motto "Don't look back, no regrets", she was finding that hard to do. This time, her actions had hurt two of her friends. She was the one who had confronted the younger woman, triggering the bombshell that Grissom was seeing Kane.
Sara didn't seem to hold against her; in fact, in her parting letter she'd made it clear to Catherine that it wasn't her fault. She did ask that she keep an eye on Grissom, but he'd rejected every attempt she'd made to talk to him. Finally, the younger woman had told her to just leave him alone until he was ready to bring it up.
"Has anyone heard from Sara recently?" Greg asked.
"Yeah. Got an e-mail from her this afternoon," Catherine sighed. "She decided not to re-enroll in grad school, but she still won't say whether she's planning on coming back to the lab."
"Same thing she wrote me the other day," Warrick added. "She seems happy, though."
"That's what she says, anyway," Nick chimed in. "Haven't you been e-mailing her, Greg?"
"Nah," he said, shaking his head, before dropping his eyes to a container of stir-fry.
"It wasn't your fault," Catherine said.
The lab tech gave them a small shrug. Despite what the others said, he couldn't help feeling partially responsible for her leaving. He had been the one who had flippantly let Grissom know his secret was out, which had sent him storming to confront Sara. Then she left, without warning, shortly afterwards. The two had to be connected, Greg felt.
"Grissom hasn't blamed you, has he?" Nick asked.
"No. He hasn't said anything about it. He hasn't said anything that wasn't absolutely work-related."
"He's that way with everybody. Don't think you're getting special treatment," Catherine said.
"Someone has to talk to him. This isn't healthy. He's too reclusive – even by the Grissom-scale," Greg whispered.
"Yeah? Who's he going to listen to?" she muttered.
The others gave her a sympathetic look. This whole experience had been rough on the team, but she was taking it especially hard. Catherine valued her friendship with Grissom, but it looked like it may have been damaged beyond repair. In the past, she was the one he was most likely to open up to, but ever since Sara left, he'd shut her out. For the last couple of weeks, it had gotten to the point he'd barely stay in the same room with her.
"Greg's right, guys," Nick said, fishing out more containers from the bag. "He can't keep this up."
"Give it rest. He's handling it his way," Warrick countered.
"Is he? Or is he avoiding it?"
"I don't know, Nick. But look at his way: he lost his privacy, his pride, hell, maybe even his reputation. Think how hard that would be for you. Then think about how private he is. Talking about this is the last thing he wants. Don't bring it up. It'd be like rubbing salt in his wounds," Warrick advised.
The others continued to sort through the carryout silently, no one wanting to mention the obvious thing that had been lost. Sara's leaving five weeks earlier had caught them completely unaware, and they were still getting use to her absence. Not only that, but her replacement had turned out to be unpopular. While competent, the others agreed with Archie's assessment that he was a "mini-Ecklie".
"You don't think …, nah, never mind."
"What, Greg?" Nick demanded.
"Well, he's all bummed. Goes away for a week on vacation. So he says. Then, he's back for a couple days, and bang! He goes away again. Says he'll be out of town the whole time, don't bother trying to reach him. You don't think he's looking for a new job, do you? Going on interviews?"
The others exchanged startled looks.
"No reason for him to stay. Nothing to tie him down. People making jokes about him. It's not like any other lab would turn him down," Nick said slowly.
"And it's not like he loves Mobley or Carvallo," Greg added.
"Don't jump to conclusions," Warrick said, but his voice held traces of doubt.
Catherine darted her eyes between her colleagues. Grissom wouldn't leave, would he? He couldn't be taking it that hard. Could he? Not liking the answers her mind was supplying, she decided to try direct action again.
"Anyone going to eat this?" she asked, grabbing the package of egg rolls. "Keep Saturday afternoon open."
The others exchanged confused looks as she dashed out of the room, heading towards Grissom's office.
"Hey, Gil," she said softly, making sure to knock on his office door first. "We have some extra egg rolls. You want them?"
"No thanks."
She came into the room slowly, watching him closely. He was eating a chef salad? Had he lost a bit of weight? God, he wasn't going through a mid-life crisis, was he?
"Well, it'd be a shame to waste it," she said, placing them on his desk. Catherine noticed with a bit of pain that he neither acknowledged the food nor her taking a seat across from him. She wanted to mend their fences, but it was hard to do when he kept his half hidden behind walls.
Grissom kept his eyes focused on his salad, hoping she would take the hint that he didn't want to talk to her. Catherine was the most dangerous; she'd always been able to get information out of him when she set her mind to it. He knew he was running a risk of damaging their friendship, but it was a price he was willing to pay.
"Hey, I'm having a little get together on Saturday afternoon. Just some of the gang from work. Beer, hamburgers, nothing fancy. You coming?"
"No thanks."
"Look, Gil, I'm sorry, about everything. I know this has to be painful. Don't shut everyone else out over this," she implored.
He watched her cautiously, trying to keep his emotions masked. Sara had said she didn't want to meet up with the others. She wasn't ready for their face-to-face questioning. He had to work both Friday and Saturday evenings; he didn't want to spend any more of her brief visit apart.
"I already have plans to visit an old friend," he said softly, turning back to his salad.
Catherine winced. Wasn't she an old friend? Maybe he did blame her for all that had happened. "Well, bring your friend along. There's enough for one more," she said with a false levity.
"I'll pass it on, but don't count on it," he said.
She cocked her head, unsure of how to continue. His attitude made it clear he didn't want to talk about non-work-related matters. So, maybe it was time to try to frame her concerns in that context.
"Have you heard from Sara?"
Grissom looked at her from over his glasses, wondering if Sara had told Catherine anything. He quickly dismissed that idea.
"Why?" he asked cautiously.
"Have you heard if she's coming back to the lab?"
"No," he said honestly, returning back to his meal.
Sara hadn't decided, and he wasn't going to push her. He hoped she'd get her confidence back and would return to the department, but he was more concerned about her well-being. If it was better for her not to return to the lab, so be it. He just wasn't sure what he'd do if she decided not to return to Las Vegas at all.
Catherine let out a soft sigh. "Why don't you ask her?"
Grissom gave her a brief, harsh look. His patience with her meddling was wearing thin, but he refrained from answering. He knew the others meant well, but they had been after him on a near-daily basis.
"Don't you think you should find out? We'll need to get a permanent replacement if she doesn't," Catherine plodded ahead.
"What's wrong with Ron taking it?" he asked in confusion. Sara's replacement had indicated he'd be willing to take a permanent position if it became available. It was one reason he'd been hired.
She snorted dismissively.
"He knows the material, works hard," he pointed out.
"Is a pain in the ass," she added under her breath, shrugging at Grissom's renewed look of displeasure. "He doesn't fit in well with the rest of the team."
"I seem to recall you having the same attitude with Sara," he said shortly.
"Well, it wasn't like you did anything to help …," she started hotly, but paused when she saw his hurt expression. "He's not Sara," Catherine said softly, trying to ease the tension.
"No, he's not," Grissom said coldly, turning back to his computer. He sighed when Catherine left the room, closing his eyes briefly. When things were settled down, he'd find a way to make it up to her.
Warrick looked up when Catherine slumped back into her chair in the break room. He gave her a pointed look, before shaking his head.
"You should have left him alone," he said quietly.
"I can't ignore him. What kind of friend would I be if I did?"
"Cath, I feel for him. This sucks. I know he has to be hurting, but you can't make him talk to you. Griss doesn't handle things the way other people do. You can't rush him. Let him know you're there for him, but don't push him. When he's ready, he'll come to you. If you don't back off, you're going to ruin what's left of your friendship."
She gave him a dirty look, but kept her tongue. She couldn't argue with his advice. It was the same thing she'd told Grissom about Sara.
Rating: R for subject matter
A/N: No real spoilers. Thanks to Burked and all the others who previewed this for me.
Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own anything related to CSI. If I did, I'd be on a tropical beach right now.
Chapter 45
The following Friday morning found Grissom carefully carrying a package, trying not to attract any attention, but he failed to reach his office in time.
"Gil, come join us," Catherine called out softly, indicating the bags of carryout the rest of the team was getting ready to share.
Grissom didn't pause, but turned briefly, having to decline her offer twice. Reaching his sanctuary, he closed the door behind him, and let out a long sigh as he crossed to his desk.
In the five weeks since Sara had left, he'd received more invitations to meals, to grab a beer, movies and coffee than he could recall. Everyone seemed to have decided he needed cheering up. If their concern hadn't been based - at least partially - in pity, he'd have found his sudden social popularity amusing. Instead, it was irritating him.
He knew he was making it worse by avoiding the others. It wasn't something he relished, but he couldn't think of any other option. They were good. If he spent too much time around them, they would eventually realize that something was going on in his personal life, and that wasn't something he wanted them to know.
Things with Sara looked promising, but he knew the relationship was still fragile. They still needed time to build a solid foundation. Grissom wasn't going to take any chances by exposing it to scrutiny – even if it was from well-meaning friends.
Neither he nor Sara were ready for that type of attention.
The anonymity she had found in California had helped her recovery considerably. It had been obvious to him during the time they spent together last week. Without the constant violations of her privacy, she'd been able to rebuild some of her control and confidence. Sara had been more relaxed and laughed easily, but she wasn't completely herself.
He was still adjusting to sharing his life with just one person. Letting the others know wasn't something he was ready to do. Too much of his life had been made public earlier, and he hadn't handled it well. He'd lost control of too many things in short a time period, and nearly lost Sara in the process.
The irony wasn't lost on him. He'd gone to Philip in the first place to help become less isolated, but now he kept even more distance between himself and the others than before. Even Kane had chuckled when he brought it up.
Luckily, the departmental psychologist had been willing to meet him on an informal basis at his townhouse to talk over coffee. Grissom was too uncomfortable seeing Kane in his office once his therapy had become fodder for the office gossip pool.
Setting behind his desk, he took out his dinner and began to quickly eat. Half of the lab techs had food poisoning, and the casework was backing up. He hoped to have a chance to get to the grocery store today, and he needed to clean the townhouse.
Sara would be making her first visit tonight, catching a late flight out of Santa Barbara after work. Despite the fact that this trip had been his idea, Grissom found himself very nervous.
He couldn't help remembering Sara's letter. In truth, he'd read it so many times, the ink had started to rub off in places. Luckily, he had it memorized by now. She didn't want to start a relationship, because she didn't think she was ready.
Then what were they doing?
He knew Sara was afraid of using him. Grissom let out another long sigh, stabbing a leaf of lettuce mercilessly. He didn't feel used. But what did she think? Was she going to regret this later?
In all their conversations, they had covered a lot of ground, but there had been one thing Sara specifically hadn't mentioned: love. She had written in her parting letter that she loved him. But in all her phone calls, e-mails and in their direct communications, she'd never said it.
He knew he had hurt her by taking so long to contact her after she left, but he hoped she still felt the same way. Grissom wondered if she was keeping quiet for his sake. When he told her he hadn't told the others that he was visiting her, Sara had seemed supportive. She'd even stopped communicating with him at work, leaving all her messages for him at his townhouse. Maybe she didn't want him to feel rushed.
Of course, he hadn't told her how he felt, either. Should he? What if she wanted to go slow and he scared her off? He jabbed his lunch angrily. There were so many potential answers, but not all of them were good. He had no idea what to do.
His eyes darted to his Rolodex, but he stifled a groan. There was no way he was going to talk to Philip. Not about his sex life. No, no way, that was just too private. He had to draw a line somewhere.
~~~~~
"Grissom not joining us?" Nick asked as he entered the break room.
The others shook their heads. Despite their best efforts, no one had had any luck getting him to open up. Ever since news of his therapy got out, he'd become progressively more withdrawn from the rest of the team. While never a social butterfly, it now seemed to the others that he was actively avoiding them.
"He brought something to eat from home," Catherine said. "I told him he could leave it for tomorrow and join us, but he wouldn't."
She sat down wearily, worrying about her friend. He was taking this far too hard. Even when he was upset in the past, Grissom still would join the team for meals. She couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten with them, just that it was before Sara left.
An unaccustomed wave of guilt washed over her. While she usually lived by the motto "Don't look back, no regrets", she was finding that hard to do. This time, her actions had hurt two of her friends. She was the one who had confronted the younger woman, triggering the bombshell that Grissom was seeing Kane.
Sara didn't seem to hold against her; in fact, in her parting letter she'd made it clear to Catherine that it wasn't her fault. She did ask that she keep an eye on Grissom, but he'd rejected every attempt she'd made to talk to him. Finally, the younger woman had told her to just leave him alone until he was ready to bring it up.
"Has anyone heard from Sara recently?" Greg asked.
"Yeah. Got an e-mail from her this afternoon," Catherine sighed. "She decided not to re-enroll in grad school, but she still won't say whether she's planning on coming back to the lab."
"Same thing she wrote me the other day," Warrick added. "She seems happy, though."
"That's what she says, anyway," Nick chimed in. "Haven't you been e-mailing her, Greg?"
"Nah," he said, shaking his head, before dropping his eyes to a container of stir-fry.
"It wasn't your fault," Catherine said.
The lab tech gave them a small shrug. Despite what the others said, he couldn't help feeling partially responsible for her leaving. He had been the one who had flippantly let Grissom know his secret was out, which had sent him storming to confront Sara. Then she left, without warning, shortly afterwards. The two had to be connected, Greg felt.
"Grissom hasn't blamed you, has he?" Nick asked.
"No. He hasn't said anything about it. He hasn't said anything that wasn't absolutely work-related."
"He's that way with everybody. Don't think you're getting special treatment," Catherine said.
"Someone has to talk to him. This isn't healthy. He's too reclusive – even by the Grissom-scale," Greg whispered.
"Yeah? Who's he going to listen to?" she muttered.
The others gave her a sympathetic look. This whole experience had been rough on the team, but she was taking it especially hard. Catherine valued her friendship with Grissom, but it looked like it may have been damaged beyond repair. In the past, she was the one he was most likely to open up to, but ever since Sara left, he'd shut her out. For the last couple of weeks, it had gotten to the point he'd barely stay in the same room with her.
"Greg's right, guys," Nick said, fishing out more containers from the bag. "He can't keep this up."
"Give it rest. He's handling it his way," Warrick countered.
"Is he? Or is he avoiding it?"
"I don't know, Nick. But look at his way: he lost his privacy, his pride, hell, maybe even his reputation. Think how hard that would be for you. Then think about how private he is. Talking about this is the last thing he wants. Don't bring it up. It'd be like rubbing salt in his wounds," Warrick advised.
The others continued to sort through the carryout silently, no one wanting to mention the obvious thing that had been lost. Sara's leaving five weeks earlier had caught them completely unaware, and they were still getting use to her absence. Not only that, but her replacement had turned out to be unpopular. While competent, the others agreed with Archie's assessment that he was a "mini-Ecklie".
"You don't think …, nah, never mind."
"What, Greg?" Nick demanded.
"Well, he's all bummed. Goes away for a week on vacation. So he says. Then, he's back for a couple days, and bang! He goes away again. Says he'll be out of town the whole time, don't bother trying to reach him. You don't think he's looking for a new job, do you? Going on interviews?"
The others exchanged startled looks.
"No reason for him to stay. Nothing to tie him down. People making jokes about him. It's not like any other lab would turn him down," Nick said slowly.
"And it's not like he loves Mobley or Carvallo," Greg added.
"Don't jump to conclusions," Warrick said, but his voice held traces of doubt.
Catherine darted her eyes between her colleagues. Grissom wouldn't leave, would he? He couldn't be taking it that hard. Could he? Not liking the answers her mind was supplying, she decided to try direct action again.
"Anyone going to eat this?" she asked, grabbing the package of egg rolls. "Keep Saturday afternoon open."
The others exchanged confused looks as she dashed out of the room, heading towards Grissom's office.
"Hey, Gil," she said softly, making sure to knock on his office door first. "We have some extra egg rolls. You want them?"
"No thanks."
She came into the room slowly, watching him closely. He was eating a chef salad? Had he lost a bit of weight? God, he wasn't going through a mid-life crisis, was he?
"Well, it'd be a shame to waste it," she said, placing them on his desk. Catherine noticed with a bit of pain that he neither acknowledged the food nor her taking a seat across from him. She wanted to mend their fences, but it was hard to do when he kept his half hidden behind walls.
Grissom kept his eyes focused on his salad, hoping she would take the hint that he didn't want to talk to her. Catherine was the most dangerous; she'd always been able to get information out of him when she set her mind to it. He knew he was running a risk of damaging their friendship, but it was a price he was willing to pay.
"Hey, I'm having a little get together on Saturday afternoon. Just some of the gang from work. Beer, hamburgers, nothing fancy. You coming?"
"No thanks."
"Look, Gil, I'm sorry, about everything. I know this has to be painful. Don't shut everyone else out over this," she implored.
He watched her cautiously, trying to keep his emotions masked. Sara had said she didn't want to meet up with the others. She wasn't ready for their face-to-face questioning. He had to work both Friday and Saturday evenings; he didn't want to spend any more of her brief visit apart.
"I already have plans to visit an old friend," he said softly, turning back to his salad.
Catherine winced. Wasn't she an old friend? Maybe he did blame her for all that had happened. "Well, bring your friend along. There's enough for one more," she said with a false levity.
"I'll pass it on, but don't count on it," he said.
She cocked her head, unsure of how to continue. His attitude made it clear he didn't want to talk about non-work-related matters. So, maybe it was time to try to frame her concerns in that context.
"Have you heard from Sara?"
Grissom looked at her from over his glasses, wondering if Sara had told Catherine anything. He quickly dismissed that idea.
"Why?" he asked cautiously.
"Have you heard if she's coming back to the lab?"
"No," he said honestly, returning back to his meal.
Sara hadn't decided, and he wasn't going to push her. He hoped she'd get her confidence back and would return to the department, but he was more concerned about her well-being. If it was better for her not to return to the lab, so be it. He just wasn't sure what he'd do if she decided not to return to Las Vegas at all.
Catherine let out a soft sigh. "Why don't you ask her?"
Grissom gave her a brief, harsh look. His patience with her meddling was wearing thin, but he refrained from answering. He knew the others meant well, but they had been after him on a near-daily basis.
"Don't you think you should find out? We'll need to get a permanent replacement if she doesn't," Catherine plodded ahead.
"What's wrong with Ron taking it?" he asked in confusion. Sara's replacement had indicated he'd be willing to take a permanent position if it became available. It was one reason he'd been hired.
She snorted dismissively.
"He knows the material, works hard," he pointed out.
"Is a pain in the ass," she added under her breath, shrugging at Grissom's renewed look of displeasure. "He doesn't fit in well with the rest of the team."
"I seem to recall you having the same attitude with Sara," he said shortly.
"Well, it wasn't like you did anything to help …," she started hotly, but paused when she saw his hurt expression. "He's not Sara," Catherine said softly, trying to ease the tension.
"No, he's not," Grissom said coldly, turning back to his computer. He sighed when Catherine left the room, closing his eyes briefly. When things were settled down, he'd find a way to make it up to her.
Warrick looked up when Catherine slumped back into her chair in the break room. He gave her a pointed look, before shaking his head.
"You should have left him alone," he said quietly.
"I can't ignore him. What kind of friend would I be if I did?"
"Cath, I feel for him. This sucks. I know he has to be hurting, but you can't make him talk to you. Griss doesn't handle things the way other people do. You can't rush him. Let him know you're there for him, but don't push him. When he's ready, he'll come to you. If you don't back off, you're going to ruin what's left of your friendship."
She gave him a dirty look, but kept her tongue. She couldn't argue with his advice. It was the same thing she'd told Grissom about Sara.