Summary: After viewing a horrific accident, Sara makes some hard decisions about her life. Obviously, a Sara-centered story, but with lots of friendship and a little bit of G/S at the end.
Rating: R for subject matter
A/N: No real spoilers. Thanks to Burked and all the others who previewed this for me.
Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own anything related to CSI. If I did, I'd be on a tropical beach right now.
Chapter 47
Re-entering the bedroom after his shower, Grissom paused at the sight that greeted him. Leaning against the doorframe, he watched silently as Sara slept. Curled up in the center of the bed, buried under the covers, only her tussled hair was visible. A smile formed as he recalled their earlier encounters.
Grissom felt his powers of imagination were more than adequate, and thoughts of Sara had certainly filled the majority of his fantasies, but the reality had proven far more potent than anything he'd ever dreamt. He'd been relieved to find he'd been able to please her so well. Their age difference was an annoying fact that he feared would have left Sara feeling unfulfilled. She certainly did things to him; even the memories made his heart race.
As impressive as the physical aspect had been, the level of satisfaction he experienced went beyond that. They had formed an emotional connection he was still trying to comprehend. It was different from anything he'd felt in the past. While it was pleasant, the intensity of it was also frightening.
She loved him. Even in his most intimate daydreams, he'd never dared to imagine that. It had seemed too unlikely. Sara had her choice of men, and didn't have to settle for him.
Shifting position, his smile widened as he remembered her reaction when he'd been the first to actually make the admission. It had certainly made him nervous, but apparently it had been the right thing to say, and at the right time. At least he'd managed that. Grissom knew he should have done more earlier to set her at ease.
His mood became pensive as he recalled their weekend together. While she was noticeably more relaxed, he couldn't ignore the fact that coming back to Las Vegas had initially made her tense. Grissom allowed that finding his experiments in the refrigerator probably contributed to her stress, but it wasn't the only factor.
Being recognized on the flight had been a stroke of bad luck, but it proved that Sara hadn't completely recovered. Once again, he found himself worrying that she would decide it would be easier not to return to Nevada.
What would he do then? Grissom sighed as he considered the options. They couldn't keep up a long-distance relationship indefinitely. Not only would the constant travel be taxing and expensive, he doubted it would be emotionally satisfying for Sara. She hadn't complained, but Grissom knew it wasn't enough for him. Right now, the distance was allowing them to acclimate gradually to their new status, but eventually it would be more a hindrance than help.
If she couldn't return, would he be willing to leave? That was a major decision. Finding another job wouldn't be difficult, he knew. It wasn't a matter of ego, but of fact. He was one of the premiere forensic scientists in the country. Employment wasn't the problem. It was the commitment involved.
What if she decided he couldn't provide her with the emotional depth she needed? Grissom shifted uncomfortably. Hell, he had been worried about her after the flight, and he'd had trouble making himself talk about it. He just didn't know how to voice his concerns.
As much as he wanted to comfort her, the only way he'd been able to do so was physically. While it may have helped, he knew he should be offering Sara more. What that additional something should be was a question he didn't know how to answer.
Would she eventually leave him? Grissom closed his eyes as that thought churned in his mind. It wouldn't be the first time he'd been abandoned. She deserved to be loved openly, but he didn't know if he could offer that. At least, not yet. Would she wait for him?
Why should she? Grissom cocked his head in thought. He was the one with the … issues. Sara had been going through hell since the accident, but she had willingly returned to the one place she least wanted to be. For him. Shouldn't he be the one making sacrifices for her?
Crossing the room, he gingerly sat on the edge of the bed. This was a beautiful sight he wanted to see for a very long time. Reaching over, he brushed a lock of hair from her face. When she let out a realistic-sounding purr, Grissom began to chuckle.
"I thought you went back to sleep."
Sara kept her eyes shut, but arched a brow as a faint smile formed.
"Do you remember who you're talking to? I already slept more than I normally do" she quipped.
"It's that damn futon. If you had a real bed, you'd sleep better."
Sara opened her eyes as she smiled at their private joke and stretched contentedly.
"Are you cold?" he asked, noticing she'd changed back into her pajamas while he'd showered.
"A little," she admitted, giving him a seductive look. "But mainly I'm behaving. Can't have you late for work."
"You're incorrigible," he said, shaking his head.
"Insatiable." Sara laughed at his shocked look. "Relax. Actually, I'm waiting to get the feeling back in my legs. I think my toes are still curled, but I'm not sure," she teased, moving up to lean against the headboard.
"I take it my apology was acceptable?" he asked lightly.
Instead of a smile, Sara gave him a confused look. "What do you need to apologize for?"
"The fridge."
"Don't," she said firmly, before closing her eyes and letting out a ragged breath. "Look, it's your place. You can keep whatever you want, wherever you want. I was just stressed out, Grissom. I didn't mean to take it out on you. That wasn't your fault."
Grissom licked his lips nervously. She probably should talk about the stress. Given his track record, there was a realistic chance he could say the wrong thing. "Are you okay? Now? It's still early. You could call Philip if you want to talk."
Sara shook her head. "It's okay. Really. I feel a lot better. Guess that's a good sign. I'm down to being a bitch for just a little while."
"You're not a bitch," he whispered, running a hand down her arm. How could she think that, after all she'd been through? "I … I … I have no idea what to say. I'm sorry, Sara. I can never think of the right thing to say, or how to express myself, until about two days after the fact."
"I noticed," she said, but with a gentle smile. She moved her hand to rest on top of his, giving it a squeeze. "I'm going to keep telling you this until you believe me: it wasn't your fault. None of this has been. Not even the blood or those gross things growing in the vials."
"It didn't help, though. It won't happen again, Sara, I promise. I want you to feel comfortable here. If you don't like experiments in the kitchen, then I'll find somewhere else to put them."
Grissom leaned in to kiss her gently, caressing her softly as he did. Sara responded by wrapping her hand behind his neck, drawing him closer as she deepened the kiss. Pulling back, he gave her a mock-glare.
"You said you were going to behave."
"I am. If I wasn't being nice, we wouldn't be talking now." Sara gave him a look that meshed seduction and teasing. "So, if that was an apology, does that mean I can't expect that every night? You've built up my expectations now."
"Only if you want to explain to Doc Robbins why I'm a guest in the morgue," he said, only half-jokingly.
"Epithelials will give it away," she said, pulling him down for one last quick kiss. "Don't worry. I couldn't survive that every night, either. But what a way to go."
He returned her smile, but Sara could tell he was still nervous. "Hey, I'm all right. If it'll make you feel better, I told Philip I'd send him an e-mail detailing how the visit went. I'll let him know I got upset, but it didn't last long."
"You're still seeing, uh, talking to Philip?"
"Yeah. I'm supposed to send him an e-mail update once a week. And I'm talking to one of the counselors at the university. Same deal. Try to find a stress release. Keep up a journal."
"Can I do anything to help?" Grissom asked softly.
"Could you fix some coffee why I shower?" Sara asked with an amused smile.
"That I can manage. Want something to eat?"
"Don't go to any trouble. You don't have much time before you have to go to the lab," she said, heading off to the bathroom.
While the coffee brewed, Grissom pulled out the leftovers from that morning to reheat. This was something he could get used to. He would have to do whatever he could to make sure Sara wanted to continue their relationship as well.
"You have a message."
He turned at the unexpected sound, finding Sara approaching, toweling her hair dry. Crossing the room, he played the message from Catherine reminding him of the party that was held that afternoon.
"Guess she called earlier. Didn't hear the phone," he said.
"You were distracted," she replied. "You didn't have to hang around here, Grissom. You could have gone."
"I didn't want to. I wanted to be here with you."
"They're worried about you."
"Who?" he asked.
"The gang. I can tell from their e-mails. Well, more like from what they don't tell me. Is everything okay?" Sara asked cautiously.
Grissom went back to the kitchen to pour her some coffee. "Fine. I'm still not comfortable talking to them about us. It's easier for me just to keep some distance. I think that's what has them worried."
Sara sipped her coffee slowly. She could understand why he wanted to maintain his privacy. It had to hurt earlier when he lost all semblance of it. But was there more to this than he was admitting? 'Only one way to find out,' she thought, steeling herself for the possible answer.
"Do you want me to return? To the lab?" she asked quietly.
He turned to watch her carefully, noting she wouldn't look directly at him. Was she worried about his answer? Grissom didn't like the thought that she would be hesitant to talk to him about something. Deciding this was a good time to make a concession to her, he went to stand beside her.
"Sara, don't worry about what I want. You have to do what's best for you. There's no rush to make a decision. You can extend your leave-of-absence, if necessary," he said slowly. When she didn't look up at him, he let out a low, nervous sigh. "If you don't want to return to Vegas, that's fine. I can get a job somewhere else."
The cup of coffee paused halfway to her lips as Sara blinked. Setting down the mug slowly, she turned to him, blinking again.
"What did you say?"
"I said I could get another job," he repeated anxiously, wondering why she seemed so shocked. Had he really come across as so uncaring that she'd doubted he'd do this for her?
"That's … wow," she said, shaking her head in disbelief. "Uhm, that's not what I meant. I know you love your job. I'd never ask you to give that up."
"You're right. I do love my job. But my job is forensics, Sara, not Las Vegas. I never made any plans to make this my permanent home. If the politics at the office ever got too bad, or if I ever became bored here, I was planning on leaving. This isn't the first city I worked in. It doesn't have to be the last, either."
Grissom reached up to place his hands on her shoulders, smiling when she wrapped her arms around him. Any joy he felt left when he noticed how tight her muscles were. Returning the hug, he ran his arms across her back reassuringly. After a moment, she stepped back, but rested her hands on his chest.
"Thanks," she said with a smile. "But I don't think you need to do that. I think I'll be able to return, to the city at the very least. Maybe not right away, but eventually. But, uhm, I meant, do you want me to return to working for you?"
"Why?" he asked in confusion.
"Because you were never comfortable having a relationship with an employee. Hell, you're not comfortable letting the others know we're together. I know, I know, that's while we're working things out. That's cool. But what's going to happen if I return to the lab? Will you be able to handle it?"
Grissom dropped his eyes from her searching gaze. He wanted to pull away, but knew at some level that would be a serious mistake. Sara needed some sort of reassurance, and physical was the only thing he could offer right now. His hands continued to stroke her back absentmindedly as he tried to think of what to tell her.
Whether or not to return to the lab would be a major decision for her. She deserved to have an honest response. The trouble was he didn't know the answer. It was a legitimate question. He certainly hadn't handled their attraction well before. Would it be easier or harder now that they were actually together?
Grissom knew he had hurt her with his previous behavior. It hadn't been intentional, but he'd still managed to do it. She had forgiven him once. Expecting a second reprieve would be pushing even her limits of patience.
What would happen if he couldn't handle it? That could ruin what they were forming. It wasn't a chance he wanted to take.
He snapped his head up as she let out a sigh. "I'm sorry. I'm … I don't know what to do about … this."
She gave him a brief smile at his choice of wording, before turning away. Rubbing a hand across his chin, Grissom thought desperately of something to say. Even if he didn't know the answer, he had to tell her something.
"Sara, please, I'm not trying to avoid the question."
"I know," she said resignedly. He had just admitted that it took him time to figure out how to answer personal questions. This was a serious matter; it would take him time to process it. Turning back to face him, Sara was surprised to see his near-panicked expression. She gave him a reassuring smile. "How about you get back to me in a couple days?"
Rating: R for subject matter
A/N: No real spoilers. Thanks to Burked and all the others who previewed this for me.
Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own anything related to CSI. If I did, I'd be on a tropical beach right now.
Chapter 47
Re-entering the bedroom after his shower, Grissom paused at the sight that greeted him. Leaning against the doorframe, he watched silently as Sara slept. Curled up in the center of the bed, buried under the covers, only her tussled hair was visible. A smile formed as he recalled their earlier encounters.
Grissom felt his powers of imagination were more than adequate, and thoughts of Sara had certainly filled the majority of his fantasies, but the reality had proven far more potent than anything he'd ever dreamt. He'd been relieved to find he'd been able to please her so well. Their age difference was an annoying fact that he feared would have left Sara feeling unfulfilled. She certainly did things to him; even the memories made his heart race.
As impressive as the physical aspect had been, the level of satisfaction he experienced went beyond that. They had formed an emotional connection he was still trying to comprehend. It was different from anything he'd felt in the past. While it was pleasant, the intensity of it was also frightening.
She loved him. Even in his most intimate daydreams, he'd never dared to imagine that. It had seemed too unlikely. Sara had her choice of men, and didn't have to settle for him.
Shifting position, his smile widened as he remembered her reaction when he'd been the first to actually make the admission. It had certainly made him nervous, but apparently it had been the right thing to say, and at the right time. At least he'd managed that. Grissom knew he should have done more earlier to set her at ease.
His mood became pensive as he recalled their weekend together. While she was noticeably more relaxed, he couldn't ignore the fact that coming back to Las Vegas had initially made her tense. Grissom allowed that finding his experiments in the refrigerator probably contributed to her stress, but it wasn't the only factor.
Being recognized on the flight had been a stroke of bad luck, but it proved that Sara hadn't completely recovered. Once again, he found himself worrying that she would decide it would be easier not to return to Nevada.
What would he do then? Grissom sighed as he considered the options. They couldn't keep up a long-distance relationship indefinitely. Not only would the constant travel be taxing and expensive, he doubted it would be emotionally satisfying for Sara. She hadn't complained, but Grissom knew it wasn't enough for him. Right now, the distance was allowing them to acclimate gradually to their new status, but eventually it would be more a hindrance than help.
If she couldn't return, would he be willing to leave? That was a major decision. Finding another job wouldn't be difficult, he knew. It wasn't a matter of ego, but of fact. He was one of the premiere forensic scientists in the country. Employment wasn't the problem. It was the commitment involved.
What if she decided he couldn't provide her with the emotional depth she needed? Grissom shifted uncomfortably. Hell, he had been worried about her after the flight, and he'd had trouble making himself talk about it. He just didn't know how to voice his concerns.
As much as he wanted to comfort her, the only way he'd been able to do so was physically. While it may have helped, he knew he should be offering Sara more. What that additional something should be was a question he didn't know how to answer.
Would she eventually leave him? Grissom closed his eyes as that thought churned in his mind. It wouldn't be the first time he'd been abandoned. She deserved to be loved openly, but he didn't know if he could offer that. At least, not yet. Would she wait for him?
Why should she? Grissom cocked his head in thought. He was the one with the … issues. Sara had been going through hell since the accident, but she had willingly returned to the one place she least wanted to be. For him. Shouldn't he be the one making sacrifices for her?
Crossing the room, he gingerly sat on the edge of the bed. This was a beautiful sight he wanted to see for a very long time. Reaching over, he brushed a lock of hair from her face. When she let out a realistic-sounding purr, Grissom began to chuckle.
"I thought you went back to sleep."
Sara kept her eyes shut, but arched a brow as a faint smile formed.
"Do you remember who you're talking to? I already slept more than I normally do" she quipped.
"It's that damn futon. If you had a real bed, you'd sleep better."
Sara opened her eyes as she smiled at their private joke and stretched contentedly.
"Are you cold?" he asked, noticing she'd changed back into her pajamas while he'd showered.
"A little," she admitted, giving him a seductive look. "But mainly I'm behaving. Can't have you late for work."
"You're incorrigible," he said, shaking his head.
"Insatiable." Sara laughed at his shocked look. "Relax. Actually, I'm waiting to get the feeling back in my legs. I think my toes are still curled, but I'm not sure," she teased, moving up to lean against the headboard.
"I take it my apology was acceptable?" he asked lightly.
Instead of a smile, Sara gave him a confused look. "What do you need to apologize for?"
"The fridge."
"Don't," she said firmly, before closing her eyes and letting out a ragged breath. "Look, it's your place. You can keep whatever you want, wherever you want. I was just stressed out, Grissom. I didn't mean to take it out on you. That wasn't your fault."
Grissom licked his lips nervously. She probably should talk about the stress. Given his track record, there was a realistic chance he could say the wrong thing. "Are you okay? Now? It's still early. You could call Philip if you want to talk."
Sara shook her head. "It's okay. Really. I feel a lot better. Guess that's a good sign. I'm down to being a bitch for just a little while."
"You're not a bitch," he whispered, running a hand down her arm. How could she think that, after all she'd been through? "I … I … I have no idea what to say. I'm sorry, Sara. I can never think of the right thing to say, or how to express myself, until about two days after the fact."
"I noticed," she said, but with a gentle smile. She moved her hand to rest on top of his, giving it a squeeze. "I'm going to keep telling you this until you believe me: it wasn't your fault. None of this has been. Not even the blood or those gross things growing in the vials."
"It didn't help, though. It won't happen again, Sara, I promise. I want you to feel comfortable here. If you don't like experiments in the kitchen, then I'll find somewhere else to put them."
Grissom leaned in to kiss her gently, caressing her softly as he did. Sara responded by wrapping her hand behind his neck, drawing him closer as she deepened the kiss. Pulling back, he gave her a mock-glare.
"You said you were going to behave."
"I am. If I wasn't being nice, we wouldn't be talking now." Sara gave him a look that meshed seduction and teasing. "So, if that was an apology, does that mean I can't expect that every night? You've built up my expectations now."
"Only if you want to explain to Doc Robbins why I'm a guest in the morgue," he said, only half-jokingly.
"Epithelials will give it away," she said, pulling him down for one last quick kiss. "Don't worry. I couldn't survive that every night, either. But what a way to go."
He returned her smile, but Sara could tell he was still nervous. "Hey, I'm all right. If it'll make you feel better, I told Philip I'd send him an e-mail detailing how the visit went. I'll let him know I got upset, but it didn't last long."
"You're still seeing, uh, talking to Philip?"
"Yeah. I'm supposed to send him an e-mail update once a week. And I'm talking to one of the counselors at the university. Same deal. Try to find a stress release. Keep up a journal."
"Can I do anything to help?" Grissom asked softly.
"Could you fix some coffee why I shower?" Sara asked with an amused smile.
"That I can manage. Want something to eat?"
"Don't go to any trouble. You don't have much time before you have to go to the lab," she said, heading off to the bathroom.
While the coffee brewed, Grissom pulled out the leftovers from that morning to reheat. This was something he could get used to. He would have to do whatever he could to make sure Sara wanted to continue their relationship as well.
"You have a message."
He turned at the unexpected sound, finding Sara approaching, toweling her hair dry. Crossing the room, he played the message from Catherine reminding him of the party that was held that afternoon.
"Guess she called earlier. Didn't hear the phone," he said.
"You were distracted," she replied. "You didn't have to hang around here, Grissom. You could have gone."
"I didn't want to. I wanted to be here with you."
"They're worried about you."
"Who?" he asked.
"The gang. I can tell from their e-mails. Well, more like from what they don't tell me. Is everything okay?" Sara asked cautiously.
Grissom went back to the kitchen to pour her some coffee. "Fine. I'm still not comfortable talking to them about us. It's easier for me just to keep some distance. I think that's what has them worried."
Sara sipped her coffee slowly. She could understand why he wanted to maintain his privacy. It had to hurt earlier when he lost all semblance of it. But was there more to this than he was admitting? 'Only one way to find out,' she thought, steeling herself for the possible answer.
"Do you want me to return? To the lab?" she asked quietly.
He turned to watch her carefully, noting she wouldn't look directly at him. Was she worried about his answer? Grissom didn't like the thought that she would be hesitant to talk to him about something. Deciding this was a good time to make a concession to her, he went to stand beside her.
"Sara, don't worry about what I want. You have to do what's best for you. There's no rush to make a decision. You can extend your leave-of-absence, if necessary," he said slowly. When she didn't look up at him, he let out a low, nervous sigh. "If you don't want to return to Vegas, that's fine. I can get a job somewhere else."
The cup of coffee paused halfway to her lips as Sara blinked. Setting down the mug slowly, she turned to him, blinking again.
"What did you say?"
"I said I could get another job," he repeated anxiously, wondering why she seemed so shocked. Had he really come across as so uncaring that she'd doubted he'd do this for her?
"That's … wow," she said, shaking her head in disbelief. "Uhm, that's not what I meant. I know you love your job. I'd never ask you to give that up."
"You're right. I do love my job. But my job is forensics, Sara, not Las Vegas. I never made any plans to make this my permanent home. If the politics at the office ever got too bad, or if I ever became bored here, I was planning on leaving. This isn't the first city I worked in. It doesn't have to be the last, either."
Grissom reached up to place his hands on her shoulders, smiling when she wrapped her arms around him. Any joy he felt left when he noticed how tight her muscles were. Returning the hug, he ran his arms across her back reassuringly. After a moment, she stepped back, but rested her hands on his chest.
"Thanks," she said with a smile. "But I don't think you need to do that. I think I'll be able to return, to the city at the very least. Maybe not right away, but eventually. But, uhm, I meant, do you want me to return to working for you?"
"Why?" he asked in confusion.
"Because you were never comfortable having a relationship with an employee. Hell, you're not comfortable letting the others know we're together. I know, I know, that's while we're working things out. That's cool. But what's going to happen if I return to the lab? Will you be able to handle it?"
Grissom dropped his eyes from her searching gaze. He wanted to pull away, but knew at some level that would be a serious mistake. Sara needed some sort of reassurance, and physical was the only thing he could offer right now. His hands continued to stroke her back absentmindedly as he tried to think of what to tell her.
Whether or not to return to the lab would be a major decision for her. She deserved to have an honest response. The trouble was he didn't know the answer. It was a legitimate question. He certainly hadn't handled their attraction well before. Would it be easier or harder now that they were actually together?
Grissom knew he had hurt her with his previous behavior. It hadn't been intentional, but he'd still managed to do it. She had forgiven him once. Expecting a second reprieve would be pushing even her limits of patience.
What would happen if he couldn't handle it? That could ruin what they were forming. It wasn't a chance he wanted to take.
He snapped his head up as she let out a sigh. "I'm sorry. I'm … I don't know what to do about … this."
She gave him a brief smile at his choice of wording, before turning away. Rubbing a hand across his chin, Grissom thought desperately of something to say. Even if he didn't know the answer, he had to tell her something.
"Sara, please, I'm not trying to avoid the question."
"I know," she said resignedly. He had just admitted that it took him time to figure out how to answer personal questions. This was a serious matter; it would take him time to process it. Turning back to face him, Sara was surprised to see his near-panicked expression. She gave him a reassuring smile. "How about you get back to me in a couple days?"