Accidents, Freak Accidents

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, and if you think I do, well… that's your problem… Manga spoilers...

Summary: Sasuke, Naruto, and Sakura raid an Akastsuki Strong Hold, and find out some shocking information about Uchiha Itachi...

Notes: Weird Humor type fic, so beware. Set six years ahead of the current manga storyline.

After years and years of useless Anbu Intelligence reports concerning the Akastsuki, Leaf Agents finally attained certain key information concerning the location of Akastsuki Team #4, Kisame Hoshigaki and Itachi Uchiha. In light of the startling new intelligence, Tsunade-sama coordinated a Hunter-nin operation to assassinate the rouge Uchiha.

Shortly after the commissioned Hunter-nin team left Leaf Village, they were ambushed and knocked out by Uchiha Sasuke. But before he could reach the border of Fire Country, Uzumaki Naruto and Haruno Sakura caught up with him. After much tears and bawling from Sakura, Sasuke grudgingly allowed them both to accompany him on his mission for vengeance.

Now deep inside Water Country Territory, the threesome quickly found their way to the Akastsuki Safehouse and after crashing through the second story windows, they were shocked to find Kisame Hoshigaki, a vicious S-class criminal mind you, not eager fight with a blade, but instead dressed in a frilly cleaning apron and holding a feathered duster-- not to mention his left eye seemed to be wrapped in thick white bandages.

Both Naruto and Sakura were looking at Kisame dumbfounded, both not believing the person in front of them could possibly be the criminal described in their bingo book.

"Damn it, did we get the wrong house again?" Naruto said, running his hands through his hair, frustrated. "I swear if I have to apologize to another old lady..."

"I can't believe how off these coordinates are." Sakura said. "Ever since Ino became Anbu Head, the accuracy of our intelligence reports have been getting worse and worse..."

"Oh nevermind, this has to be the right house-- look at the picture frame sitting on the mantle. See the short, ugly kid on the right and the bigger, even uglier kid standing next him? I'd bet all the ramen in the world that those two are Sasuke and Itachi."

"But if this is really the Akastsuki Safehouse, where the hell is Itachi?"

Sasuke's eyes immediately flew to Kisame.

"Damn it, where's my brother? I see the picture. I know he's here!" Sasuke withdrew his kunai and brandished it around menacingly. "I'm itching to pay back that bastard for the all the years of grief I've been through!"

"Sorry to break the news to you kid, but you're about three days too late. Itachi's dead."

"My brother's dead? What the hell do you mean he's dead?"

"Dead. Pushing up daisies, feeding the mushrooms, living in box... well, he's technically not doing any of that, but I can assure you, Itachi is dead."

"Itachi's dead? Really? This is the best news I've heard since, well... ever! Do you hear that Sasuke-kun? Now you can drop all that nonsense about vengeance and we can finally settle down." She went over to Kisame, reached for his free hand, and shook it. "Thank you for telling us, Kisame-kun. You don't know how tired I was of dealing with Sasuke-kun's crazy mood swings every time he thought about Itachi. Always raving about vengeance and power... drove me right to the bottle if you know what I mean."

Naruto patted Sasuke on the back. "Look at that, our mission was completed, and we didn't have to lift a finger. What do you say we go back and celebrate with an extra large bowl of miso ramen?"

Sasuke ignored Naruto; his mind still focused on the fact his brother was gone. "But my brother can't be dead! He just can't be!"

"What can I tell ya boy?" Kisame said. "He's dead. Died two years ago in a freak accident."

"An accident? But I'm the one supposed to kill him! Me! Hell, I sold my soul to Orochimaru and got this ugly tattoo on my neck just so I'd be strong enough to do him in myself."

"Well if it's any consolation, you did kind of kill him."

"I did?"

"You did. Well... indirectly, of course."

"Indirectly? That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard." Sakura said. "How does someone kill someone else indirectly?"

"Let me explain. Sasuke, do you remember the kunai you gave him for his fourteenth birthday? The same one you gave to him to commemorate his first year as Anbu leader?"

"I don't remember that-- oh wait... are you talking about the one I signed with a marker?"

"Yeah, that one. When we came into his room, we found him face down on the floor with you're autographed kunai rammed straight through his heart-- the poor, unlucky bastard. Who'd of actually think he'd fall onto it?"

"Wait, wait." Naruto said, bewildered. "Are you telling me Itachi, the guy who massacred all the Uchiha's, the guy who can make Orochimaru wet his tighty-whities with a single, withering glance-- this same guy fell unto the kunai Sasuke gave him and died?"

Kisame nodded. "Yep. That's Itachi."

 "Well, if that isn't ironic, I don't know what is."

"But are you sure he's dead?" Sasuke said. "Maybe you made some kind of mistake--"

"Pretty sure. If you don't believe me, you can check for yourself. We do have his body after all."

Kisame led the way, eventually ending into a small candlelit room; in its center was the dead body of Uchiha Itachi. 

Sasuke walked up and kicked Itachi's body a couple of times. "Hey, wake up! You're not supposed to be dead. You're faking aren't you?" Sasuke looked to Kisame and said, "He's faking isn't he?"

"'Fraid not."

Sasuke turned back to Itachi and found Naruto and Sakura standing over the body curiously.

Naruto lifted up Itachi's limp arm and let it fall. "Seems pretty dead to me."

"I don't think he's faking, Sasuke-kun." She poked Itachi's crotch a half-dozen times with a stick. "See look, no reaction whatsoever."

"No, no, NO!" Sasuke went over and began shaking Itachi's body by his shoulders. "You can't die until I say you can die! Do you hear me? Now, fight me like you're supposed to! Up damn you! Up!"

"Maybe I should explain it you one more time. Itachi's dead. Dead. He can't hear you, much less fight you."

"But what about my revenge?"

"Didn't you hear me before, kid? You got your revenge. The kunai you gave him for his fourteenth birthday killed him. So essentially, if it weren't for you, Itachi would be alive and kicking to this very day."

"But, but, I had this whole speech planned! First, I was going to make him relive my years of misery, give him a real piece of my mind, you know? And after we battle 'till we're bleeding out of armpits, I would finally finish him off with my special Chidori move! That's how it was supposed to happen!"

Sakura went over and put her arms around Sasuke. "There, there, Sasuke-kun. You just have to accept it; Itachi's dead and that's that."

"But what am I going do now?"

"Might I suggest settling down? You know, if we hurry back we can still put down the down payment on a house in the Shinjiki district-- now the mortgage is rather steep, but it really is the ideal location for kids. Oh oh oh, and the reservation date for the chapel! I booked it about year ago, so the date is only a month away. If we start planning the wedding now, we can make it. "

Sasuke looked uneasy. "Only a month away? Really? Don't you think it's too soon? And did you say a house? Is a house really necessary? We really don't need anything bigger than our apartments--"

Naruto screamed suddenly.

Sasuke got up and ran to him. "Naruto, what happened? What's wrong?"

Naruto pointed at Itachi's face, "Sorry, he was missing his eyes. Haven't seen an eyeball-less person before. Freaked me out for a second there..."

"Kisame? What the hell happened to my brother's eyes?"

Kisame looked sheepish. "Funny story. A day after Itachi died, my old teammate, Orochimaru visited. You're already well acquainted with him, so I'll skip the introduction. But needless to say he was quite eager to procure a Sharingan eye..."

"That bastard! I swear I will stop at nothing until I kill Orochimaru or at the very least, rip out his stolen eye!" And with a poof, Sasuke was gone.

Sakura stood stunned for a moment before saying, "Again with the grudges and the killing, doesn't he ever get tired of it?" She then whipped out a flask full of rum and drank a good half of the contents. "I knew I'd need this." She downed whatever was left and threw the flask at Naruto. "I'm so damn sick of Water Country-- I'm going home."

Sakura disappeared up the staircase leaving Naruto alone with Kisame.

Naruto picked up the flask off the ground. "She didn't even leave a single drop-- how could she be so selfish?"

"Must have been some really bitchin' booze."

"I guess so... hey, before I go, I have to ask you something."

"Go ahead. I'm an open book."

"Did Orochimaru really steal both of Itachi's eyes?"

Kisame grinned, and then began unwrapping the white bandages around his left eye-- now a Sharingan eye. "What can I say? An eye donor suddenly appeared; how could I pass it up?

**

So what did you think? I know it's weird and random, but oh well… please read and review! Thanks to NoiseTank13 who helped me with a great line to end this fic.