Summary: After viewing a horrific accident, Sara makes some hard decisions about her life. Obviously, a Sara-centered story, but with lots of friendship and a little bit of G/S at the end.
Rating: R for subject matter
A/N: No real spoilers. Thanks to Burked and all the others who previewed this for me.
Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own anything related to CSI. If I did, I'd be on a tropical beach right now.
Chapter 49
"Want some coffee to go with your sugar?"
Turning her head, Sara gave her ex-advisor an evil glare. He was entirely too chipper for 6:15 on a Monday morning.
"You're in awfully early," she said warily, dumping another package of sugar into her mug. Jimmy wasn't a morning person by choice. She could think of only one reason why he'd willingly be at the lab this early: he wanted details.
Sara knew eventually she'd be grilled about her weekend visit to Las Vegas. It would be a tough discussion, but one she was willing to undergo. She had hoped to have time to unwind first, though. A lot had happened this weekend, and she wanted to process it herself, before his interrogation.
Jimmy was one of the few people she'd never had trouble opening up to. A natural 'people-person', he could help her clarify confusing personal issues. While supportive, he was honest, telling her things she needed to hear, not just what she wanted. Also, he could cut to the heart of a matter quickly, if brutally. But this weekend had been taxing, both mentally and physically. She wasn't ready to talk now.
"Of course I am! Your note said you'd be coming in to work straight from the airport. If you didn't want to chat about your visit with your bug man before the others got here, why did you leave a copy of your itinerary?"
"Because I'm responsible? So you'd know if my flight was delayed?" she offered with a fleeting smile. She'd gone to high school with girls who'd shown less interest in her social life. Well, they would have been less interested if she had had a social life in high school.
"Uh, huh."
Sara ignored the sarcastic inflection, but added another half-package of sugar to her coffee. Jimmy shook his head disapprovingly as she dumped the remainder in after taking an experimental sip. She shot him a warning glare not to start his typical health-food lecture.
The level of curiosity coming from the 46-year-old dean was touching, if somewhat annoying. Right now, she wanted to be alone. She needed the time to process this weekend's events. As much as she appreciated her friend's concern, Sara still made a mental note not to leave a copy of the itinerary of her next visit in two weeks.
A small smile formed as she took another test sip of her coffee. Grissom had told her to keep the key to his townhouse, saying she was welcomed to visit anytime she could get free. Unfortunately, a rendezvous sooner couldn't be accomplished without major rescheduling on both their parts.
'Probably a good idea,' Sara thought. Grissom had wanted her to return on the upcoming weekend, but she didn't feel comfortable with the idea. She wanted a chance to regain more self-control before going back to Las Vegas.
"How much sugar can you add to a cup of coffee before it becomes supersaturated?" he asked when she added yet another package to her mug.
"A lot more than this," Sara stated in a matter-of-fact manner. The drink wasn't sweet enough to make her teeth hurt, but the sugar level should be enough to keep her functioning. She'd only missed one night's sleep, but it had been an exhausting weekend.
Mentally, she had been stressed by the flight into Vegas, and later by her snapping at Grissom. He had been very sweet about it, but it still bothered her. The lack of control was frustrating. Luckily, her reactions were milder and the stress didn't last as long.
Physically, spending two nights with Grissom when he felt he needed to prove himself was more exhausting than working a week straight of overtime. He seemed determined to show her physically what he had trouble vocalizing. While it had its benefits, it was rough going into work afterwards.
After their last round of lovemaking, there hadn't been time for a nap before she had to get ready for her flight back to Santa Barbara. Instead, they had cuddled as they worked out the plans of her next visit. Now she was paying for it.
"I've got some work to do," she said, giving her boss a brief smile. Pushing off the counter, she started walking back to her desk. "Don't you?" she asked pointedly when he followed.
"Not really."
She turned, meaning to tell him to back off, at least until the caffeine had time to enter her bloodstream, but winced as her muscles started complaining. Jimmy's snickering let her know he noticed, even if he ignored her stare.
"Say, I was going to head over to the campus gym during lunch. You should tag along. We can work the stair machines," he joked bawdily.
"Now you know why I didn't re-enroll in grad school," she growled. Sara picked up her pace out of the break room, willing her muscles to behave. The man may be brilliant, but he could miss hints a mile wide; she'd rather not talk now.
"Well, the bug guy definitely seems to have mastered the mechanics of basic biology, but I never thought you'd settle for that."
"Jimmy!" Sara whirled dangerously to face her colleague. He was a friend, but there was a limit to how much she'd take from him. His insights were usually accurate, and she valued their friendship, but he had made no secret of the fact that he didn't care for Grissom.
"Sorry!" he laughed, holding out his hands in surrender. "Just joking. I know you have to see something more in this guy. Now stop avoiding the question."
Shaking her head, Sara crossed the room to her desk. Taking her seat, she wasn't surprised when Jimmy hopped up on her desk with an impatient look. Her current boss could be the poster child for the absentminded professor, but when something caught his attention, he'd pursue it relentlessly. He'd be irritating if he didn't look so much like a lost puppy. Knowing it was a losing battle, she hoped to satisfy him with a cursory answer.
"Well?"
"It was nice," Sara said, letting out a disgusted sigh.
"'Nice' is a visit with your great-aunt. A long-distance trip to see your bug guy needs a better adjective."
"My 'bug guy'? Jimmy, he has a name," she said curtly.
He merely tsked in a disapproving manner. "A name I notice you don't even use. You'll have to excuse me for being concerned. What kind of man steals my most promising student, but she won't even use his given name once they're lovers?"
"What makes you think … Never mind," she said firmly. "And he's the type of man who doesn't like 'Gil' as a first name. And he didn't 'steal' me. I make my own decisions. You should know me well enough to know that, Jimmy."
"Uh, huh."
"I told you when I took this position I doubted I'd be staying. It worked out well: you needed some help the same time I needed to get away from Vegas for a while," Sara said in a calm voice. As annoying as he could be, he'd also come through for her when she needed help.
"Uh, huh."
"Jimmy, you really need to work on your vocabulary," she said shortly, turning on her computer and checking her voice mail. He hopped off her desk, but Sara's relief was short-lived. Jimmy moved a chair from around the desk to sit beside her. His demeanor became serious as he settled into the seat.
"Look, I'm glad I could help. That's what I'm trying to do now."
"Jimmy …" she started, only to be silenced by the friendly hand moving to rest on top of hers.
"Hey, trust me, okay? Just let me finish. I'm worried about you. No offense, kiddo, but you were a mess when you first got here. You've made a lot of improvement, but all last week it was obvious you weren't looking forward to this visit. The thought of seeing him made you nervous."
Sara turned to give him an incredulous stare. "I wasn't nervous about seeing him," she stated, hoping it wasn't true. The thought of returning to Vegas had been a little unsettling, but it hadn't been enough to be noticeable. Had it?
"Okay," Jimmy said kindly, noticing her discomfort. "But you were upset about going. If it wasn't him, it was the city. Or the thought about going back to being a CSI. Have you figured out what you're going to do if you don't want to go back to that job?"
"No, not really," she sighed. "I miss it. I really do. That must sound weird. Missing a job where you deal with the worst parts of humanity every day."
"You were doing something to help people. Plus, you can't stand to have a puzzle left unsolved. You combined both. The trick is to find something else that lets you still do both."
"Like what?" Sara asked hopefully.
"You're really good with computers. Why not go into computer forensics?"
"I guess," she said without much enthuasism. The thought of being stuck behind a desk all day wasn't appealing. "I'm not sure I wouldn't get bored with it. And I don't have the skills."
"You'd have no trouble getting them. There are a lot of online Master's programs. You could stay at home, and work on it. Probably could work from home, too. Lots of companies are outsourcing their computer security. You could mix up the type of things you do."
"I don't know, Jimmy. I don't think I want to isolate myself any more than I already do," she said slowly. The Donna Marks case had driven home the point she was too much like the shut-in. It would be easy to hide away in her home, and avoid the pressures.
He watched as she shifted uncomfortably. Sara hadn't told him everything that had happened, but he knew it was bothering her enough to consider giving up a career she loved. Deciding it was time to relieve some of the tension, he punched her arm in a friendly manner.
"Well, you could always stay at home and raise a swarm of little buglets," he teased.
Sara gave him a wide-eyed look before starting to laugh. The mental image of Grissom, on the couch, covered in little kids was too amusing.
"'Swarms'? No way. I'm might be willing to have two, maybe, three, kids, but there's not going to be any 'swarms'! I'm not a termite queen. Besides, it's way too early for us to be thinking about kids."
"Why do you say that? And let's be honest: if you want to have kids, you don't have a lot of time left."
"Jimmy, we just started seeing each other," she sighed, ignoring the time comment. It was a fact she'd been thinking about a lot over the past few weeks.
"So? How long do most couples know each other before they get married and start families? Two, maybe three years? You've worked for this guy for more than three years. You knew him for years before that. You should know him well enough by now."
"Knowing someone as a friend doesn't mean you know them that intimately," she said softly.
"How well do you actually know him?"
"Well enough, Jimmy."
"Really? I don't mean things that go on a resume. I'm sure you know his educational background, his job skills. But what do you know about him as a person? How many brothers and sisters does he have?"
Sara looked away, and took a long sip of her coffee. "I really don't know. It never came up."
"Listen to yourself, kiddo. Friends bring things up. I knew your brother's life story three months after we met. You know my nieces and nephews. What does his father do for a living?"
She flashed him a brief, angry look. "Jimmy, he's not you. You like talking about yourself. Grissom is introverted. Anyone who has ever met him could tell you that. He doesn't volunteer personal information. But he's a good man. He even offered to move if I decide not to return to Vegas."
"Really? That's one thing to his credit, then."
"He has a lot to his credit. You just don't know him well enough."
"And you do? Okay, so he doesn't volunteer information. Does he avoid answering questions?"
"Sometimes," she admitted. This past weekend had proven that point, but Grissom had been bothered that he couldn't answer her question about their working together. "He doesn't always express himself well, or quickly. It doesn't mean he's unfeeling or secretive."
"Are you sure? Because I know that type of man, Sara. Some people are shy, some are introverted, and some just never trust others. They keep themselves hidden to avoid pain. But that also makes them distant. That type never really completely trusts anyone else. He'll never totally let you in."
"Jimmy, I know you don't like him. He's … unique. His bad traits are more obvious than the good ones. But they're there; you just have to look. You're wrong about him," she stated.
"I hope I am. Really. Listen, nothing would make me happier than for you two to live happily ever after. I want you to be happy, and if this guy can do that, great. But I want you to be realistic, too. A person can modify their behavior, but they never really change."
"I fell in love with the man he is," she said simply.
"Do you know how he feels?"
"He loves me, too. He admitted it first."
"Were you in bed at the time?"
"Don't push your luck, Jimmy! It wasn't like that," she snapped, closing her eyes as she tried to calm her temper.
"I'm not trying to be crude. Really," he said kindly. "But we both know that some guys only say it after sex, and they only say it then because it's expected."
"It wasn't like that," she repeated harshly, letting out a long sigh. Sara rolled her neck, trying to loosen her muscles.
"I know he's no Prince Charming. Hell, I'm no Sleeping Beauty, either. Do I wish he was more open? Yeah. Will he ever be? Probably not. I know that, Jimmy. I accept that. He accepts my faults. That's saying a lot, considering how I've been! You're not in a position to judge him," she said hotly.
Seeing that the conversation was making Sara upset, he got up to leave. Placing a friendly hand on her shoulder, he asked one last question before leaving her alone.
"Okay, as long as you know that, and accept that. Just think about one thing, kiddo. If you're so sure about him, why were you nervous about seeing him?"
Rating: R for subject matter
A/N: No real spoilers. Thanks to Burked and all the others who previewed this for me.
Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own anything related to CSI. If I did, I'd be on a tropical beach right now.
Chapter 49
"Want some coffee to go with your sugar?"
Turning her head, Sara gave her ex-advisor an evil glare. He was entirely too chipper for 6:15 on a Monday morning.
"You're in awfully early," she said warily, dumping another package of sugar into her mug. Jimmy wasn't a morning person by choice. She could think of only one reason why he'd willingly be at the lab this early: he wanted details.
Sara knew eventually she'd be grilled about her weekend visit to Las Vegas. It would be a tough discussion, but one she was willing to undergo. She had hoped to have time to unwind first, though. A lot had happened this weekend, and she wanted to process it herself, before his interrogation.
Jimmy was one of the few people she'd never had trouble opening up to. A natural 'people-person', he could help her clarify confusing personal issues. While supportive, he was honest, telling her things she needed to hear, not just what she wanted. Also, he could cut to the heart of a matter quickly, if brutally. But this weekend had been taxing, both mentally and physically. She wasn't ready to talk now.
"Of course I am! Your note said you'd be coming in to work straight from the airport. If you didn't want to chat about your visit with your bug man before the others got here, why did you leave a copy of your itinerary?"
"Because I'm responsible? So you'd know if my flight was delayed?" she offered with a fleeting smile. She'd gone to high school with girls who'd shown less interest in her social life. Well, they would have been less interested if she had had a social life in high school.
"Uh, huh."
Sara ignored the sarcastic inflection, but added another half-package of sugar to her coffee. Jimmy shook his head disapprovingly as she dumped the remainder in after taking an experimental sip. She shot him a warning glare not to start his typical health-food lecture.
The level of curiosity coming from the 46-year-old dean was touching, if somewhat annoying. Right now, she wanted to be alone. She needed the time to process this weekend's events. As much as she appreciated her friend's concern, Sara still made a mental note not to leave a copy of the itinerary of her next visit in two weeks.
A small smile formed as she took another test sip of her coffee. Grissom had told her to keep the key to his townhouse, saying she was welcomed to visit anytime she could get free. Unfortunately, a rendezvous sooner couldn't be accomplished without major rescheduling on both their parts.
'Probably a good idea,' Sara thought. Grissom had wanted her to return on the upcoming weekend, but she didn't feel comfortable with the idea. She wanted a chance to regain more self-control before going back to Las Vegas.
"How much sugar can you add to a cup of coffee before it becomes supersaturated?" he asked when she added yet another package to her mug.
"A lot more than this," Sara stated in a matter-of-fact manner. The drink wasn't sweet enough to make her teeth hurt, but the sugar level should be enough to keep her functioning. She'd only missed one night's sleep, but it had been an exhausting weekend.
Mentally, she had been stressed by the flight into Vegas, and later by her snapping at Grissom. He had been very sweet about it, but it still bothered her. The lack of control was frustrating. Luckily, her reactions were milder and the stress didn't last as long.
Physically, spending two nights with Grissom when he felt he needed to prove himself was more exhausting than working a week straight of overtime. He seemed determined to show her physically what he had trouble vocalizing. While it had its benefits, it was rough going into work afterwards.
After their last round of lovemaking, there hadn't been time for a nap before she had to get ready for her flight back to Santa Barbara. Instead, they had cuddled as they worked out the plans of her next visit. Now she was paying for it.
"I've got some work to do," she said, giving her boss a brief smile. Pushing off the counter, she started walking back to her desk. "Don't you?" she asked pointedly when he followed.
"Not really."
She turned, meaning to tell him to back off, at least until the caffeine had time to enter her bloodstream, but winced as her muscles started complaining. Jimmy's snickering let her know he noticed, even if he ignored her stare.
"Say, I was going to head over to the campus gym during lunch. You should tag along. We can work the stair machines," he joked bawdily.
"Now you know why I didn't re-enroll in grad school," she growled. Sara picked up her pace out of the break room, willing her muscles to behave. The man may be brilliant, but he could miss hints a mile wide; she'd rather not talk now.
"Well, the bug guy definitely seems to have mastered the mechanics of basic biology, but I never thought you'd settle for that."
"Jimmy!" Sara whirled dangerously to face her colleague. He was a friend, but there was a limit to how much she'd take from him. His insights were usually accurate, and she valued their friendship, but he had made no secret of the fact that he didn't care for Grissom.
"Sorry!" he laughed, holding out his hands in surrender. "Just joking. I know you have to see something more in this guy. Now stop avoiding the question."
Shaking her head, Sara crossed the room to her desk. Taking her seat, she wasn't surprised when Jimmy hopped up on her desk with an impatient look. Her current boss could be the poster child for the absentminded professor, but when something caught his attention, he'd pursue it relentlessly. He'd be irritating if he didn't look so much like a lost puppy. Knowing it was a losing battle, she hoped to satisfy him with a cursory answer.
"Well?"
"It was nice," Sara said, letting out a disgusted sigh.
"'Nice' is a visit with your great-aunt. A long-distance trip to see your bug guy needs a better adjective."
"My 'bug guy'? Jimmy, he has a name," she said curtly.
He merely tsked in a disapproving manner. "A name I notice you don't even use. You'll have to excuse me for being concerned. What kind of man steals my most promising student, but she won't even use his given name once they're lovers?"
"What makes you think … Never mind," she said firmly. "And he's the type of man who doesn't like 'Gil' as a first name. And he didn't 'steal' me. I make my own decisions. You should know me well enough to know that, Jimmy."
"Uh, huh."
"I told you when I took this position I doubted I'd be staying. It worked out well: you needed some help the same time I needed to get away from Vegas for a while," Sara said in a calm voice. As annoying as he could be, he'd also come through for her when she needed help.
"Uh, huh."
"Jimmy, you really need to work on your vocabulary," she said shortly, turning on her computer and checking her voice mail. He hopped off her desk, but Sara's relief was short-lived. Jimmy moved a chair from around the desk to sit beside her. His demeanor became serious as he settled into the seat.
"Look, I'm glad I could help. That's what I'm trying to do now."
"Jimmy …" she started, only to be silenced by the friendly hand moving to rest on top of hers.
"Hey, trust me, okay? Just let me finish. I'm worried about you. No offense, kiddo, but you were a mess when you first got here. You've made a lot of improvement, but all last week it was obvious you weren't looking forward to this visit. The thought of seeing him made you nervous."
Sara turned to give him an incredulous stare. "I wasn't nervous about seeing him," she stated, hoping it wasn't true. The thought of returning to Vegas had been a little unsettling, but it hadn't been enough to be noticeable. Had it?
"Okay," Jimmy said kindly, noticing her discomfort. "But you were upset about going. If it wasn't him, it was the city. Or the thought about going back to being a CSI. Have you figured out what you're going to do if you don't want to go back to that job?"
"No, not really," she sighed. "I miss it. I really do. That must sound weird. Missing a job where you deal with the worst parts of humanity every day."
"You were doing something to help people. Plus, you can't stand to have a puzzle left unsolved. You combined both. The trick is to find something else that lets you still do both."
"Like what?" Sara asked hopefully.
"You're really good with computers. Why not go into computer forensics?"
"I guess," she said without much enthuasism. The thought of being stuck behind a desk all day wasn't appealing. "I'm not sure I wouldn't get bored with it. And I don't have the skills."
"You'd have no trouble getting them. There are a lot of online Master's programs. You could stay at home, and work on it. Probably could work from home, too. Lots of companies are outsourcing their computer security. You could mix up the type of things you do."
"I don't know, Jimmy. I don't think I want to isolate myself any more than I already do," she said slowly. The Donna Marks case had driven home the point she was too much like the shut-in. It would be easy to hide away in her home, and avoid the pressures.
He watched as she shifted uncomfortably. Sara hadn't told him everything that had happened, but he knew it was bothering her enough to consider giving up a career she loved. Deciding it was time to relieve some of the tension, he punched her arm in a friendly manner.
"Well, you could always stay at home and raise a swarm of little buglets," he teased.
Sara gave him a wide-eyed look before starting to laugh. The mental image of Grissom, on the couch, covered in little kids was too amusing.
"'Swarms'? No way. I'm might be willing to have two, maybe, three, kids, but there's not going to be any 'swarms'! I'm not a termite queen. Besides, it's way too early for us to be thinking about kids."
"Why do you say that? And let's be honest: if you want to have kids, you don't have a lot of time left."
"Jimmy, we just started seeing each other," she sighed, ignoring the time comment. It was a fact she'd been thinking about a lot over the past few weeks.
"So? How long do most couples know each other before they get married and start families? Two, maybe three years? You've worked for this guy for more than three years. You knew him for years before that. You should know him well enough by now."
"Knowing someone as a friend doesn't mean you know them that intimately," she said softly.
"How well do you actually know him?"
"Well enough, Jimmy."
"Really? I don't mean things that go on a resume. I'm sure you know his educational background, his job skills. But what do you know about him as a person? How many brothers and sisters does he have?"
Sara looked away, and took a long sip of her coffee. "I really don't know. It never came up."
"Listen to yourself, kiddo. Friends bring things up. I knew your brother's life story three months after we met. You know my nieces and nephews. What does his father do for a living?"
She flashed him a brief, angry look. "Jimmy, he's not you. You like talking about yourself. Grissom is introverted. Anyone who has ever met him could tell you that. He doesn't volunteer personal information. But he's a good man. He even offered to move if I decide not to return to Vegas."
"Really? That's one thing to his credit, then."
"He has a lot to his credit. You just don't know him well enough."
"And you do? Okay, so he doesn't volunteer information. Does he avoid answering questions?"
"Sometimes," she admitted. This past weekend had proven that point, but Grissom had been bothered that he couldn't answer her question about their working together. "He doesn't always express himself well, or quickly. It doesn't mean he's unfeeling or secretive."
"Are you sure? Because I know that type of man, Sara. Some people are shy, some are introverted, and some just never trust others. They keep themselves hidden to avoid pain. But that also makes them distant. That type never really completely trusts anyone else. He'll never totally let you in."
"Jimmy, I know you don't like him. He's … unique. His bad traits are more obvious than the good ones. But they're there; you just have to look. You're wrong about him," she stated.
"I hope I am. Really. Listen, nothing would make me happier than for you two to live happily ever after. I want you to be happy, and if this guy can do that, great. But I want you to be realistic, too. A person can modify their behavior, but they never really change."
"I fell in love with the man he is," she said simply.
"Do you know how he feels?"
"He loves me, too. He admitted it first."
"Were you in bed at the time?"
"Don't push your luck, Jimmy! It wasn't like that," she snapped, closing her eyes as she tried to calm her temper.
"I'm not trying to be crude. Really," he said kindly. "But we both know that some guys only say it after sex, and they only say it then because it's expected."
"It wasn't like that," she repeated harshly, letting out a long sigh. Sara rolled her neck, trying to loosen her muscles.
"I know he's no Prince Charming. Hell, I'm no Sleeping Beauty, either. Do I wish he was more open? Yeah. Will he ever be? Probably not. I know that, Jimmy. I accept that. He accepts my faults. That's saying a lot, considering how I've been! You're not in a position to judge him," she said hotly.
Seeing that the conversation was making Sara upset, he got up to leave. Placing a friendly hand on her shoulder, he asked one last question before leaving her alone.
"Okay, as long as you know that, and accept that. Just think about one thing, kiddo. If you're so sure about him, why were you nervous about seeing him?"