BUT I'M A CHEERLEADER!!!

Parody. Sakura is sent to "True Directions" to be re-orientated back to heterosexuality. The problem is, she wasn't gay to begin with. Neither was fellow "TD" victim, Li Syaoran.

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A Card Captor Sakura crossover with the hilarious movie "But I'm A Cheerleader." Neither the film nor CCS belong to me. I'm just playing in the sandpit, and I will return all buckets and spades once I'm done.

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STEP ONE: Admitting you're a homosexual!

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Well.

This was confusing and a half.

Not in the confused-about-your-sexuality way, either.

This was a spank-my-ass-and-call-me-Mary kind of confusing.

Sakura held onto her pompoms and suitcases, staring nervously at the very pink house and the guy dressed in tight cycling shorts outside, waving a chainsaw around as if it were a very large - and devestating - palette knife.

The house was very pink.

So was the fence surrounding it.

And the plastic flowers standing skewed in the beds in front of the house.

And the lipstick and clothes of the perfectly-coiffured woman bouncing up to them.

"Hello!" The woman beamed. "My name is Mary, I run True Directions."

"This is Sakura," her dad introduced, pedaling her forwards. Her brother Touya also stood rather menacingly behind her.

Sakura looked fearfully up at the very pink woman. She looked very strict.

"Hello, I am Kinomoto Sakura, and I-"

Mary waved her arms complacently. "You two can go now. I am satisfied that Sakura will fit in splendidly here. We will return her to you straight within a month, following our easy five step programme. Almost guaranteed!" She smiled a too-bright smile. Convinced, Kinomoto Fujitaka swept away, his son following him with a rather guilty looking expression. "Come along! There's a video to watch before you get settled in. Rocky will take your bags to your shared room."

Sakura let out a small squeak of surprise when the rather effeminate boy she'd seen earlier waving the chainsaw like it was a cooking utensil daintily took her bags and swept off into the pink house, his butt swaying as he walked, and an almost contemptuous glance flickered to his mother on his way into the house. Mary lead her into the house, and sat her in front of a video, which played this very-fake story about how a girl had turned to lesbianism, had become a prostitute and drug addict, got turned straight by True Directions and had a fantastic life.

Sakura had nothing against homosexuals, but knew very strongly that she wasn't one. There was this boy, Li Syaoran, who had helped her in her fight to capture the Clow cards, and again to transform them to Sakura cards, and she'd gotten a very strong crush on him. He'd buggered off to Hong Kong, things had quietened down on the magic front, he hadn't been back again since, and she didn't dare admit to anyone that she had a huge crush on the boy she'd thought had been a good friend. And he hasn't even called or written, Sakura thought sourly, pretending to watch the video and hoping she wouldn't be quizzed on it later.

Mary popped up after the video had come to its smiley and saccharine end, with the girl being happily married to another "Ex-Gay."

"We run a five step program here, Sakura. Until you pass step one, you will wear these."

A grey hospital gown, tied at the back, was deposited in front of her.

Sakura swallowed loudly.

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"And here is where we sleep."

Sakura was being shown around by Ruth, who'd bragged that almost everyone else had arrived yesterday and passed Step One, "apart from this arrogant Chinese brat, who is soooo gay."

She looked in the round room, with its six pink beds. Three girls looked up at Sakura. She pulled the gown tighter around her back.

"On the far left bed, that's Hoshi," Ruth introduced. A small Korean girl waved back, wearing a horrible pink version of some English school uniform, similar to what Ruth was wearing. "Two beds right, that's Ella, and to her right, Brenda." Two blondes waved at them. "They're cousins. Caught fondling in the barn with each other," Ruth added in a stage whisper. The two blondes stared and looked angry. Sakura winced.

"Come along," Ruth said, in much the haughty manner of Mary. "There's a meeting in a minute, and you can get passed step one. It's easy."

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Famous last words.

Sakura gripped the edge of her seat and looked around the circle. Five pink girls stared at her. Sakura wondered if that verb should be leered. The Korean girl, Hoshi, looked like she was even checking her out. She shivered, and pulled the gown around herself tighter. Five blue-clad males waved at her.

"Max! Max!" Mary was in the room now, smelling of too-strong perfume and pinker than usual. "Where is that surly boy."

"Li? He'll be sulking outside," a tall, bald African-looking man said. Sakura faintly recognised him from the ambush at home, where Tomoyo, Chiharu, Naoko and Rika accused her of being gay. Then her thoughts went in completely another direction. Did he just say LI??? Nah... couldn't be. Her mouth dropped open as none other than a very surly looking Li Syaoran was shepherded in, clad in nothing but a three-quarter length, pretty open at the back, hospital gown. Sakura could see his knees as he grumpily joined the circle and sat down, looking as uncomfortable as Sakura felt about his attire.

He was just as cute as the last time she'd seen him. Those gorgeous eyes, the tousled hair, those strong shoulders...

Sakura forced her nose not to bleed, and felt a small blush cover her cheeks.

"Sakura?"

Oh goddess, Sakura thought bleakly, her heart thudding dizzyingly against her ribcage. Same gorgeous velvet voice, too. Jealousy welled up fiercely as she caught a few of the boys glancing hungrily in his direction.

"Syaoran!" Sakura tried to sound normal, but didn't manage it. Her voice squeaked nervously. He looked embarrassed, and looked away.

"You two know each other?" Mary blinked. "Well, well. Never mind. I hope Syaoran's reluctance to admit the truth has not rubbed off on you, Sakura! Let's go around the circle, around the ones who've already admitted the truth."

The boy on the far left stood up. He had curly blond hair and glasses. "Hi, I'm Sam, I'm English and... I'm a homosexual."

"Bonzo. Spanish. And I'm a homosexual." The Hispanic looking boy said.

A very tall boy with ginger hair stood up. "Hello, I'm Paul, I'm a homosexual."

"I'm Shinji," said an effeminate black-haired boy. "I cry too much, and I'm a homosexual."

Sakura blinked fiercely.

"I'm Cole," the last of the boys said. "I like to have sex with boys, I'm very thoroughly gay and a homosexual."

Sakura blinked again.

"I'm Ruth, Australian, and I'm a homosexual."

"You met me, I'm Hoshi, I'm a homosexual, and I think you're kinda cute."

Mary flinched. "Hoshi! What have I told you about cracking onto the other girls? We only flirt with boys here!"

"Sorry," Hoshi whispered in apology, tipping a wink at Sakura.

"I'm Ella, I'm a homosexual."

"I'm Brenda, and I'm a homosexual."

The last girl arched one eyebrow at Sakura. "I'm a homosexual, and my name is Dale."

"Syaoran?" Mary stared pointedly at a very-uncomfortable Syaoran. "Introduce yourself to Sakura. She will be doing the same. It is for the benefit of the whole room."

Syaoran sighed and gingerly got to his feet. "Hello, I'm Syaoran, I like girls." Groans came from the circle. "A lot! I do!"

"I think he protesteth too much," Bonzo said with a tweak of his nose.

"I agree," Ruth said.

Syaoran sat down with a thump, his arms folded.

"Sakura?"

Sakura looked at Mary, but stayed sat down. "Uh, hello, my name is Sakura. I'm head cheerleader at school, I really love it, and I've been learning martial arts for the last four years." She wondered briefly what their reactions would be if she told them she'd learned them from a flying yellow teddy bear. "And I don't think I should be here!"

"Now come on, Sakura, be reasonable," Mary broke in rapidly. "Why are you here?"

"'Cause my friends and my dad thought I'm gay, but I'm not! I mean, I'm a vegetarian - "

Lots of shaking heads filled the room.

"But it's good for you! Kero- I mean, lots of television programs say so. I had a couple of pictures of girls up in my locker, but they were from my friend who designs me clothes, showing me the fabric! I just forgot to take them down, and they were up all year, but-"

More shaking heads.

"And I didn't know Melissa Etheridge and Elton John were gay. I just really like their music!" Sakura looked around the room, upset. Apparently these were all signs of homosexuality, but she wasn't, she couldn't be. The way her heart was buzzing just seeing Syaoran dispelled any fears she had.

"I mean, I have this huge crush on a guy, and I-"

"Have you told him?" That was from Paul, his voice low and direct.

Sakura shook her head hopelessly.

"It's a lot easier not to tell someone you have a crush on them if you're not sexually attracted to them," Cole said smoothly.

"I-" Sakura's face flooded as pink as the room. They assumed it was because they were right. Sakura knew that it was because the object of her often-fantasies was sat really near her, and probably gay. But then, wasn't it true what they said? All the best guys are?

Sakura looked hopelessly across at Syaoran, and he looked suddenly, fiercely, thoughtful. He whispered under his breath, and Sakura felt the small rush of magic uneasily before the chair lurched beneath her and she tumbled in a heap of naked limbs and material to the ground.

Instantly, Syaoran was there to help her, helping her up and pulling the gown around her and giving her his own chair. As he did so, he managed to whisper something in her ear. "Let's pretend. The faster we lie, the faster we get out of here." Sakura felt hot all over as she sat on the chair, hardly daring to watch as Syaoran fetched another chair.

"Very gentlemanly of you, Syaoran, but that fake straight behaviour is not fooling anyone," Mary said, her voice hard.

"I- I'm sorry. I- I- I-" He swallowed, hard, but tipped a discrete wink at Sakura. "My name is Syaoran and I- I'm a homosexual."

The five boys cheered and whooped. Mary nodded her head. "Glad to finally hear it, Syaoran. Sakura, it looks like you're a good influence on him. I can only hope it can be felt both ways."

Sakura shifted her hands in her lap. "I-" She bit her lip. "Am I really-" she said, hoping the drama classes had paid off and she sounded genuinely worried.

"I'm afraid so, honey," Ella soothed.

"I'm a homosexual," Sakura said, haltingly, her head bowing down. She looked at Syaoran through the bangs that had fallen forwards to obscure her gaze. He looked triumphant, as if they had just scored one against Eriol, like he had so long ago.

"Well done," he mouthed to her. The compliment soared to the heights of Sakura's heart. If Syaoran was here too, with the same problem as her, then maybe she could get through it all.

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Coming next... STEP TWO.