A/N: Hey, finally its done, I finished it last night, now I'm on my way to work, and when I get home I'll have to dig in and do my homework for the allotted 4 hours a day that I promised myself I would do, I'm going to try to bring my GPA up to 3.858 again, cause I got a C in one of my classes last semester and it fell to 3.369 and that just wont due for a member of the national honor society. Sorry its so short, I wanted it longer, well it turned out to be 3 chapters and a Prologue, Go me.
Credits and Disclaimers - Some parts of this story were inspired by poetry collected from classic literature, while I was writing I found a piece by Cummings that struck a cord and I decided to slip it in as my primary inspiration. I don't own our bishounen GW pilots, or anything else so, please, read and enjoy, content in the knowledge that I am not a thief.
-Somewhere -
Somewhere I have never traveled, gladly
beyond any experience, your eyes have their silence:
In your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
Or which I cannot touch because they are too near.
Your slightest look easily will unclose me
Though I have closed myself as fingers,
You open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(Touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose.
Or if your wish be to close me, I and
My life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
As when the heart of this flower imagines
The snow carefully everywhere descending;
Nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
The power of your intense fragility: whose texture
Compels me with the colour of its countries,
Rendering death and forever with each breathing,
(I do not know what it is about you that closes
And opens; only something in me understands
The voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands.
by E.E. Cummings
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"Naishin Juubun Gunsotsu"
The Innermost thoughts (of a) Perfect Soldier
Chapter Three - A loss for Words
"Rose leaves, when the rose is dead, Are heaped for the beloved's bed; And so thy thoughts,
when thou art gone, Love itself shall slumber on."
PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY - "Music When Soft Voices Die," 1824
**My thoughts clouded, I'm haunted by the dream. I don't know what direction to run in, I don't know what I should say. They say that I'm perfection in every possible way, yet what is this I feel, a chill deep inside and a choking ache in my chest, am I dying? I suppose that in death my life will gain new clarity, just a little more time is all I want, I know that the very substance that makes me perfect is eating me slowly from the inside out. Should it win in this fight, I suppose I would be free of this cold cage, with my purpose met would I fall from grace? Would my wings glow against the darkened skies? Would I forget about this pitiful lackluster existence?
I heard someone say a very long time ago, maybe it was my mother, who said that 'Humanity needs to have faith in something in order to carry on, even if that faith is directed towards the assurance that we are start to die from the moment that we're born.' I don't understand why, but late one night while we were watching a movie my bishounen partner turned to me and his haunted violet eyes were glittering suspiciously as he asked me if I had ever believed in anything. If I had the ability I would have killed the perfect soldier for what he forced from between my lips before I could gather my response, I told him that I believed in the mission, when it was obvious that he was looking for some reassurance on some deeper level. Even when we speak to each other in the most candid fashion, the masks that we have both worn for so long, taint our honest responses until even the truth is filled with lies. So I wonder, when this war is over and my wings are clinging to the midnight breeze, can a doubting angel in his fall from grace, ever move to walk among the living?**
Descending the stairs Heero somehow managed to look regal and majestic as he turned with his back perfectly straight and his shoulders squared just like always, but he was dressed differently from what the four at the table were accustomed to seeing on the Perfect Soldier. Khaki pants hugging his narrow hips expertly and a navy blue silk shirt the sleeves neatly cuffed just beneath his elbow and buttoned only halfway allowing his friends to glimpse his perfectly tanned and muscled stomach with deep brown ankle boots mysteriously replacing his yellow utility boots. Heero could feel the yes of his comrades roaming his body at the transformation in attire flowing promptly from his clothes to the tiny sapphires he wore in each ear and finally the small silver hoop bracketed by a blue glass bead piercing his naval!
As cool as you please Heero nodded as though nothing had changed he spoke quietly, "Ohayo." Silently Heero was quite smug that he had made an impact on the other pilots, moving to the counter he pored himself a steaming mug of the fine Arabic coffee blend, turning to face the others he took a soothing swallow of the rich dark substance, to hide his insecurities at letting them see him like this.
Quatre finally smiled at Heero, sliding a plate of waffles over to the empty chair, commenting over the thick silence "Good morning Heero, you look nice today, you slept well I hope?"
Duo couldn't take his eyes of the golden skin of Heero's pierced stomach, but both Trowa and WuFei looked up awaiting Heero's response with interest.
Shaking his head, Heero eyed his comrades then directed his gaze to the blond. "Great, excluding the nightmares." Then he moved and sank into the chair in front of the waffles, spreading the linen napkin on his lap and digging in with a combination of stately etiquette and a soldiers efficiency.
Duo looked at Heero noting that his skin had the translucent quality of the sleep deprived. "What did you dream about Hee-chan?"
Eyes flicking briefly on the still prone faces of the green and black eyed pilots, this was virtually the same question he had refused to answer for them last night, then he looked into the concerned violet orbs that were gazing at him from across the table. Shaking his head in a negative action he simply stated, "I can't say what it was about, just that it was very, very real."
Trowa nodded his acceptance at the answer, even as Duo continued to look concerned, he spoke quietly, "Your dressed well, what are your plans for today?"
Duo could almost swear, staring at Heero who blinked at Trowa, that his Hee-chan was getting embarrassed. Sure enough, his response confirmed it.
"Relena asked me to do some shopping for her, while on L3." Shrugging Heero continued, looking less than comfortable. "You don't go into places where Relena-sama shops, wearing spandex or denim."
Quatre looked pleased, "Well the party is a formal event, do you have evening clothes? You can come get fitted with me this afternoon, the last tux I had was years ago, and both out of style and too small. Duo, WuFei and I were going to go at two this afternoon, Trowa went yesterday, so he could run some errands this afternoon, and the four of us can get fitted together."
Heero noted the hopeful tone of Quatre's voice, and spoke hesitantly, "As Relena-sama's personal body-guard and escort, I have evening clothes." Seeing Quatre's face fall, at Heero's typical anti-social response, the soldier swallowed then spoke after a swallow of coffee. "However, if Trowa doesn't feel up to company on his errands, I do need a new jacket and a few shirts."
Quatre and Duo both seemed to perk up at Heero's show of humanity, and swung their gazes to Trowa, who eyed the two boys, and looked at Heero, saying reluctantly "I don't think I need anyone to come with me."
**I realized this morning, that things have changed, that I have changed. My heart in no longer a block of ice the pumps the blood through my veins, it's warm and aches when my friends are in pain. The paths I once walked on are fading and becoming overgrown, but I know it won't take much to reawaken those frost bitten trails. I stand back and study the smouldering embers of the life I once lead, wondering where did the passion go, that I once faced against the world. Gazing on the bridges I had once burned I am lost in my own sins, will I ever get to be an innocent again? I know the answer to that question before its ever voiced, I will always be a soldier, that flame will never go out. I know that none of us will, we sacrificed our innocence to fight for that cause, a cause that no-one cares about, gazing into your shadowy amethyst eyes I wonder at what is to be, will you and I always be together or will we fade into the mists together, forgotten by history, are either of us willing for that destiny? Would we be able to live with ourselves if there was a need for us that we can no longer answer? What will happen if I let those flames die completely? Will I be able to return if we are needed again? Do I care about a world that would deny us?**
Duo had just gotten back from riding his motorcycle, in the freedom of night, and was whistling as he strolled down the hall of Quatre's mansion towards his bedroom, suddenly compelled to peak in on his partner. Completely engrossed in his own world, he paused outside Heero's door listening, for the sounds of fingers moving like lightning over a keyboard. What he heard however stunned him, a vague whimper, like a lost child abused by the world and frightened. Hesitantly Duo pushed the door open, shocked to see Heero twisted around and fighting with the silk sheets of his bed, the whimpering and frightened noises were coming from him.
Not even giving it a moments thought Duo strode into the room closing the door silently behind him, and moving to the side of Heero's bed, he spoke softly not wanting to scare the dangerous young man. "Hee-chan, wake up, its just a dream."
Leaning in he gently shook Heero's shoulder, not at all surprised when the Japanese boys eyes jerked open, and as fast as lightning Heero had him pinned to the bed beneath him. Duo just spoke in the same calm voice. "It's me Hee-chan, I not gonna do anything, or let anything happen."
Duo gazed into the unshielded Prussian pools above him, seeing terror fade to relief, as Heero whispered something unintelligble, Duo strained to hear his words.
Heero choked them out harshly, "D-Duo...? Y-you, you're... Daijoubu?"
Duo nodded before whispering "Yeah, Hee-chan. Are you? What were you dreaming about that shook you up this much?"
Duo never got an answer, as Heero's lips chose that instant to descend down on his, in a ravenous instantaneous combination of relief and pent-up desire. Neither boy noticed when the kiss shifted from being selfish and relieved to being a mutual exchange of affection, that had been ignored for far too long.
*****
The rich and beautifully melodic strains of music lulled through the evening as the couples danced among the flowers. Neither boy was quite able to believe what had happened, it seemed almost too fast, it was stunning and intoxicating, and Duo reveled in it smiling at the stormy eyed youth who was holding him. It was the perfect night for a romantic celebration like this, the moon was high and full in the sky above Quatre's oasis (Imagine windows gazing out on the moon from L3). Holding onto his partner in love and in war, Duo found it hard to believe that he hadn't always been held this securely against Heero's chest, at last he had found the one person that Shinigami couldn't steal from him, in this perfect enigma of a man, every time he thought he knew everything about him, he found out something new, like his naval being pierced, his friend and rival rolled into one. Duo knew deep in his heart that when the world looked ready to crumble in around him, Heero would be there beside him to gather up all the pieces, even if that knowledge was unspoken. In such a tender way, that was reserved just for him, just like the trust and those blessed rare smiles that could lite up his Prussian gaze and stop Duo's heart dead in his chest.
**Who says I care about redemption, I am an angel in the arms of my lord Shinigami, and I don't ever want to be anywhere else. The hopes that I once cherished now seem so terribly naive, I will fight all those who would challenge this peace that we pilots have fought so hard for. I want to start again so desperately, escape the pain and erase it from your Indigo pools my love. Cast your doubts into the waters, ask your judgement of the sea, and we will sail it together koi. Though fortune may be a fools guide, I will accept its challenge to be with you. I will follow my emotions, they have helped me to find you, and now, I have no wish to be free.** After having spent the past two weeks in the company of his cheerful partner, WuFei, and the soon to be married Quatre and Trowa, Heero felt something stir and urge him back to the article he was supposed to write for the cover of Time Life Magazine. So in the refreshing silence of the desert night, he settled in and quietly opened his notebook computer, looking at what he had previously written in the emotionless style of a foreign policy reporter, he went back to the top of the three page article and above the title, typed the words, "To the one I hold most dear.." By the time the sun rose of Earth, his editor was reading the beautifully written article.
Time Life Magazine, Cover Story "To the one I hold most dear" by Heero Yuy (^A/N: Much to his personal disdain.^ The Picture on the cover is a certain Japanese bishounen in black and white, all but his eyes which were air-brushed their natural stormy shade of blue)
Originally this piece was titled "With this ring, I thee Wed." and I had intended to simply discuss the nature and lore behind courtship methods. However for the first time in my life, I'm having trouble with a 'by the book' approach. I had the article half written when I was invited to the engagement party of an old friend, and fell subject to certain unavoidable details that began touching too close to home.
Tokens of love and affection have been exchanged by friends and lovers since the eras before the Roman Empire. The object's mankind has chosen to reflect on. Our tender sentiments have taken many forms through the ages; today it can be a love letter, poem or song dedicated and written for the object of our affections, flowers, or something that you lovingly crafted for your beloved. The shapes, forms, and meanings of these gifts have also varied among the world cultures.
Among all the various tokens of love one can give to the object of their affections perhaps the most time honored and universally traditional is the gift of a simple ring crafted of yellow metal. A trinket that is possessed of an elegant simplicity, for centuries the gift of a ring between lovers has been a promise of forever, a future together sealed by the exchange of rings, a marriage engagement. That simple circle of gold is symbolic of so much, the rare metal speaks of a lovers value, the never-ending circle a promise of commitment and eternal love, the stone set into it originally started with the same letter as the name of the person to give it, until the diamond was adopted for its strength and rarity.
The ring's younger sister is called a Posy (Bouquet) in time gone by, romantics developed a flower code for each type, blossom maturity, and color, that lovers could exchange as coded messages to each other, a sort of antiquated love letter. Love letters came out of the feudal era's in Europe and were considered much more risque than a Posy, because of how outspoken one had to be in order to write a love letter. In the tradition of all love letters and tokens of affection, only without any codes or misleading comments.
"Falling in love is not an extension of one's limits or boundaries, it is a partial and temporary collapse of them." (1)
I wanted to tell you this in person, but I knew that as always the words would escape me. Everything feels so natural when I'm with you. The rare silence is never uncomfortable. It's hard for me to identify what it is about you that attracts me so. I suppose it might be your great sense of humor, your charming personality and your good-looks. Whatever it is, you might call it chemistry, or better yet, the possibility that we are on the same wavelength. Whatever it may be someone once told me to follow my emotions, so I'm writing this letter.
There are things in life that we are powerless to control. The Sun will rise and set, the tide will come and go, the seasons will change, the birds will fly South for the winter and return in the spring, and the caterpillar will transform itself into a butterfly. Somehow, I feel reassured by this because many other things in life are so momentary.
You have truly become the star of my life which brings me light in this dark world, and warmth when I need it. You offer the promise of renewal, the joy of living, the peace of mind that comes from sharing and caring, and that shoulder to lean on in times of stress.
As a poet needs inspiration, I need you . . .
As an artist needs a medium, I need you . . .
As a teacher needs a pupil, I need you . . .
As a musician needs an instrument, I need you . . .
For without you, my life would be empty of all passion. There would be no work of art for me to gaze at; no person of greatness before me; no timeless melody to listen to. My life would exist in shades of gray instead of vibrant colors, and I will be less than whole.
"I cannot fix on the hour, or the spat, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew I had begun." (2)
In the past, words have escaped me, and my innermost feelings have been locked in the depths of my heart. It is very important for me to express how much you mean to me. I wish I could do this in person holding you and gazing into your eyes. However, we are separated by miles of emptiness.
Life seems to be full of trials of this type which test our inner strength, more importantly, the feelings we share. I have lived for a long time dependent only on myself. During this period of my life, I truly believed I was fulfilling my destiny. Then, you came into the picture, and quite suddenly, I realized that I had been deceiving myself.
I am incomplete and in need of wholeness. I find that my life is not all what I thought it was. In fact, it is terribly lacking in many things. Now, through some great fortune, I have found love and along with it the one person who can make my life truly complete.
I have somehow fallen hopelessly and undeniably in love with you. Honestly, I never thought I would utter those words, but now, they come with great sincerity. When in my minds eye I see you as I did the other night, by some great mystery your hair had come free of your yard-long braid, omaesan baka (3). I saw you there laughing with our friends and my heart stopped as I gazed on your amethyst eyes from behind that veil of chestnut silk.
"Love makes up for the lack of long memories by a sort of magic. All other affections need a past; love creates a past which envelopes us, as if by enchantment." (4)
With all my Heart,
Heero.
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Owari
(1) M. SCOTT PECK - The Road Less Traveled, 1978
(2) JANE AUSTEN - Pride and Prejudice, 1813
(3) OMAESAN BAKA - My dear Fool
(4) BENJAMIN CONSTANT - Adolphe, 1816
A/N: Well what did you think? Interested in the Sequel? Drop me a line, ALL Reviews Welcome. Okay I'm posting the lyrics to the two songs that helped me through that last chapter, their kind of on a metal/techno note but beautiful if you want to download the mp3's and maybe buy them *shrug*, By VNV Nation: In order of Appearance, Dark Angel & Distant. Other lyrics for their music can be found on the web-site . Again I have special thanks to offer one of my reviewers, thank you Tenshi No Koori I was very flattered by your opinion of the poetry that I've selected. Thank you once again for reading my writing. Reviews and Votes on the Sequel? Please?
In your dream you see me clear
I have no restraint, no fear
Powerless I watched from faces I'd assumed.
My purpose set. My will defined.
Caress the air. Embrace the skies.
Escape the sorrow and restraint of mortal cities.
Give me time I will be clear.
Given time you'll understand
What possesses me to right what you have suffered.
I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.
So many years I stood among the thoughts
and tears of those I served.
Among my own I was alone through my own doing.
All the years I walked unknown behind the faces I assumed.
Powerless to clear your mind of what you'd suffered.
They fall again. They fall again.
Give me time I will be clear.
Given time you'll understand
What possesses me to right what you have suffered.
I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.
There is no faith in which to hide.
Even truth is filled with lies.
Doubting angels fall to walk among the living.
I'm in this mood because of scorn.
I'm in a mood for total war.
To the darkened skies once more and ever onward.
I'd only come here seeking peace.
I'd only come here seeking me.
It seems I came to leave.
*******
The paths that I once tread have all but gone.
Only embers now smolder where bridges once burned.
I feel alive and yet I fear what may happen now.
I know I can't return.
And I hear me say again 'oh let me not return'.
Damn the illusion of redemption and the hopes that held me here.
I will oppose all that would befall me.
With this rage inside of me I will defy what I would become.
The solitude and anger that do battle inside me
will always guide me to the answers that I know I may not see.
They are the bonds that hold me tighter.
They are the chains that weigh on me.
One day I know they will be gone.
Can I start again and erase this pain
by casting doubts into the waters,
asking judgment of the sea.
Though fortune may guide to the fools
I have no wish to be free until I am gone.