A/N: The end is almost near. And it's still not to late to review! (I know
I'm a "review monster" [not related to the cookie monster though.......I
wish!), but since I don't get paid for this, I do need some satisfaction in
life.] ;-P
"Forgiven"
*Don't leave me...I wouldn't know what to do if you ever left me.*
Marcus had been stabilized after Dr. Helm managed to stop the immense bleeding, wrapped his lesion and used morphine to ease the pain. However, he couldn't do much to help the slight fever that had set upon him due to the wounds' exposure to open air.
"Doctor? Is Marcus going to make it? He's not in....?" The small trembling in her words belied the calmness of her expression.
"He will be fine, however he's did lose a lot of blood. He's too weak to move from the bed. I wouldn't worry too much about the fever. Let him drink lots of liquids and I don't want him to move around too much. The stitches could tear if he strains himself." Dr. Helm felt odd that Tessa used Grisham's first name. He was even more flabbergasted at first when he found out that she wanted the former captain to stay in her hacienda. Shaking his head slowly, he felt sorry for the latest victim of Grisham's suave charms. He never realized that Tessa Alvarado was more of a ditz than she let on.
"Good night Dr. Helm. Don't let the gate hit you on your way out." Tessa's syrupy voice hid the sting of the words and Dr. Helm was too stunned to reply. In fact, Tessa had seen the doctor's expressions and knew he now thought less of her. She was tired of his grumpy attitudes and she decided to strike back. No one disrespected her and got away with it.
Exhaling the huge breath she had been holding in the whole night, she ventured into the guest room. Seeing Marcus sleeping peacefully on the bed was enough to soothe the anxiety she had felt the entire time Helm was saving his life.
*Oh, Marcus....What have you done to me? I need you safe and in good health. I lost a lover once, I'm not letting you go without a fight.*
Sitting beside the bed, Tessa took his hand in hers. The steady pulse in his wrist brought comfort and lulled her into a deep sleep. At last, exhaustion took its toll on her.
~*~
Marcus was used to the pain he woke up in, so the soreness in his insides was bearable and recognizable. On the other hand, he wasn't quite familiar with the soft feminine hands that were holding him. Looking down from his hooded eyes, he gaped at the sight of a raven-haired angel sleeping next to him.
\So beautiful.\ The simple thought exposed the surge of love he immediately felt as he took in the sight of her. He drowsily took in his surroundings. Obviously, after Huntley had attempted to kill him, he was somehow taken back to her hacienda. \But why?\ Rubbing his eyes, he tried to clear his head of the grogginess he felt. Reassured that Tessa was safe in an innocent slumber, he slowly slipped his hand out of her grasp. Hissing in pain, he snuck out of bed to continue on his interrupted escape.
In the dark, Marcus wasn't too sure of his footing and his vision kept clouding up. He instantly lost his way in the large home. Opening a random door, he found himself in the same parlor that Tessa used to escape to during her bouts of insomnia. The parlor had been her sanctuary and Marcus seemed to feel its calming sensations as well. An old wooden unmarked box caught his eye on the center table. Curious, he lifted its lid to reveal the backside of a large card. The shape was different from any playing cards and its edges were exquisitely detailed borders. These were the same cards that Marta used to reveal Tessa's fate. Turning the first card over, he saw the "Lovers" card. An unexpected shiver went through him. He was about to lift the next card of the stack on a whim, when the sound of the door creaking brought his attention to his significant other at the entrance.
Tessa had panicked when she found the bed empty as she woke up from the chill in the room. Lighting every candle she could find as she ran from room to room, she saw the parlor was the only place she haven't checked. Placing the candle on the table she saw that Marcus had found Marta's box of Tarot cards. A strange tremor went through Tessa when she glanced at the "Lovers" card that he had uncovered.
Unbeknownst to the couple, the next card that Marcus had been ready to lift from its place was the "Queen of Swords". The exact card that she had used many times before. The same card that Marcus would instantly recognized as the calling card of the infamous outlaw he had grown dangerously close to.
"What are you doing here? I was worried about you. You should be in bed, Marcus." The tender sound of his name from her mouth caused his heart to swell as a small blush appeared on his face. No one had said his name with such love for a long-------since his mother died.
\C'mon, Marcus. This is Tessa we're talking about. She could make the devil change his ways with her gentle words.\ Pushing his sensitive feelings aside, he took several steps away from her. Seeing the window seat, he was relieved to sit down and alleviate his aching wounds.
"Sorry, couldn't sleep." His curt reply took her by surprise.
A little irritated, that of all the seats in the parlor, he took her favorite, she took a chair and pushed it across from him. Looking expectantly at him, Tessa's gaze ran all over his slim, tall figure. The harsh white bandages stood out against the deep tan of his rippling muscles. Long, dirty blonde curls trailed over half-closed blue eyes, which stared aimlessly out beyond the glass. His angular profile was softened by the candlelight. Its dim glow wasn't enough to penetrate the darker parts of the room. Hidden parts like their secret lives. Shadows like the masks they put on so no one could see who they truly were.
Her eyes caressed and stroked him; she took in every small movement he made, imprinted each individual trait into her mind. Catching sight of Tessa's eyes from the reflection, he felt her loving gaze on him. Turning around to make sure he wasn't seeing things, he let out a low gasp.
She had forgotten about herself; taking care of him had been foremost in her mind. In the low light, he was able to make out a red, housecoat buttoned hastily over the torn nightgown, while her long hair was in a messy pony tied by a loose ribbon. Her face was devoid of the leaves, but there was still dirt smeared on her cheeks and chin. A white bandage on her forehead reminded him of Huntley's schemes.
Guilt washed over him for not noticing her earlier. \God! Am I that self- absorbed? She could have had a concussion while I nursed my own pain. What kind of man am I?! She needed my help and I don't even remember to take care of her.\ Ignoring the protests from his wounds, he got up and stepped towards her. Sensing a change over him, Tessa got up and her cheeks met the warm palms of his hands stroking her. Titling her chin towards him, he brought one hand to his mouth and licked his thumb. He slowly wiped the dirt off her face with extreme care. All the while Tessa's eyes widened in shock, but drifted shut as she felt her hair released from the ribbon. His fingers slowly combed through the long tresses, and he smiled slightly at her reaction to his attentive gestures. Lost in the sensations of her soft curves against his body, his drifting hand accidentally bumped into her bandage. She reflexively jerked from the pain. "Ouch!" Completely dumbfounded at his undoing, he let her go at once. \There you go, genius. Shouldn't have done that. Now look, she's gonna hate you for it. Mr. Suave is definitely not in the house tonight.\
"Sorry." He mumbled an apology as he gathered his composure.
Tessa watched his sudden change of mood quizzically. This man never ceased to amaze her with complete transformations of varying moods. But she felt it had been a turn for the worse. He wasn't making eye contact and he had distanced himself from her physically and mentally. She didn't like the change at all. Regaining her assertiveness, she closed the gap and embraced him. He tensed at first, but relaxed against her. Then negative thoughts started to run through him again. He was about to push her away when he felt fluttering fingers on his bandages.
"The doctor said you shouldn't strain yourself. I don't want the wounds to open themselves. You need to rest, Marcus." He looked down to see her large eyes peering up at him. Another wave of love washed over him.
\I don't deserve this. She needs to know the truth before I make another fatal mistake.\
Holding her at arms' length, he looked into her trusting eyes. "I need to tell you something."
"Can't you tell me tomorrow when you're well rested?" Worry crept into her voice again.
"I...." He immediately halted, then began again. "Tessa, I was responsible for your father's death."
"What?!" She whispered in shock.
*Stop it, Tessa! You already knew in the back of your mind a long time ago. Marcus Grisham isn't exactly a man of honor.*
"That day when Montoya ordered us to finish a 'job'. I knew exactly what he meant, but I had a vague idea of who the target was. It was a don, I knew that, but I didn't know that he was your father. I was being tested. Your father was my first test to see if I had the nerve to do the type of assignments Montoya was capable of issuing. A few miles from the hacienda we caught up with your father. My soldiers took shots to his back. There was blood all over and....Oh God....I....." Marcus' voice faltered as he struggled to finish telling her. "I knew he couldn't make it. There were too many gun shot wounds and he was suffering on his horseback. I couldn't bear to see him like that. I.....I took my only and final shot. He died immediately from the impact." Tears poured down his cheeks as the truth of her father's death came out.
"Papa!" Grief overtook her as the reality of her father's death bore down upon her.
"Why do you think I've tried to push you away all this time, Tessa? You know full well what I'm capable of. I'm a monster. A murderer! I have blood on my hands. Blood from people I've killed in the past. This is why I don't deserve compassion from you. I don't deserve it........I don't." Sinking down on the wooden floor, clutching the folds of her dress, he buried his head in her long skirt. Repentance was written all over his face. Tears had been shed and truth had been told. What he had done to Rafael Alvarado was an obligation to an order. He had tried to free a man from suffering a slow and painful death. He only expected anger and rejection. It would even come as a relief if Tessa took his own sword and kill him to avenge her father's death. She could end all the anguish that he had to endure all his life.
Struggling to compose herself, she was ready to say what she always wanted to say. Acceptance was hard, but she knew that while the pain would never go away, perpetuating hatred and vengeance was not the answer. It had led to Huntley's end. She was not going to let it control her. Besides, she was too far beyond to go back. Taking his hands in her own, she looked into the blue depths of his eyes. "I forgive you, Marcus. I know what you did was out of necessity. I wouldn't have wanted him to suffer when his time was near either. I don't hate you for it. If you think that you're a monster. Well..what am I then? What do you call a woman who's in love with a monster?" Her steady voice shook him out of his daze. Then the meaning of her words finally sank into his mind.
He wasn't expecting that. He wasn't ready to hear her declaration of forgiveness and love for him. Things were going too fast. Things were moving in a blur for him. It had taken him an incredible amount of strength to tell her the truth. He thought his fever was making him hear things. His head was dizzy from the incessant pounding. His heart was racing a mile a minute. The coward's way out was blatant denial. To push everything away was to make things better. He had done it before all his life; it was just as easy to do it now.
"No. No. No. No. NO! You can't love me! I'm a murderer, damn it! There's no future for you if you stay with me. You can't....I CAN'T!" His ramblings went on as he pulled away from her hands. Stumbling to his feet, he took off running from the parlor, never once looking back to see the heartbreak he had caused her.
"Wait. Marcus! Marcus! MARCUS!" Running after him, she saw he had gotten on his charger and rode off into the night. Gasping for breath, her hands gripped the stucco wall as her body was wracked by sobs. Turning back, she impatiently wiped her tears away. The white curtains flapping from the open window greeted her as she stepped in her bedroom. It was the same window where Huntley had taken her from her home. The night came back to her in scattered scenes. Glancing at her vanity table she saw Marcus' journal. Some pages had fallen on the floor; papers whirled around from the breeze through the window.
" I know what to do."
The image of the Queen of Swords flickered in the mirror. Taking one last look at her outfit, she tied her red sash to complete the look. Chico was used to her unusual riding times at night. However, the chestnut horse wasn't expecting its mistress to take it out for a ride since they had returned earlier that night.
She had been riding for an hour at top speed, but she was starting to get frustrated at not finding any sign of him. Then a memory came forward; she remembered that fateful day on the cliffs. She was at the end of the rope and one more step meant instant death.
"Oh, Marcus. Please tell me that you're not doing what I think you're doing," she whispered fretfully to the desert. Taking off at an incredible speed, faster than she had ever ridden before, the Queen of Swords tried to save her former enemy.
\\\\\ I paid my last respects this morning on an early grave\Already said goodbye.......nothin' left to say\A tiny church, a tiny town and not a tear was spent\Not how I wanted it.......I'm hating all of this\Now I know why I hide my love from you somedays\No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me\You came along and tore this wall down around me\Looks like you found me... now I know why\I felt like shit when I woke up this morning\I've been a loser all my life, I'm not about to change\If you don't like it........ there's the door.......nobody made you stay\There ain't a woman on the planet who can deal with it\Just how I wanted it......I'm hating all of this.......... \\\\\
\\\\\ The song is called "Woke Up This Morning" by Nickelback and it belongs to them and its respectful owners. Thanks to Kali for the look out on great songs related to Martess.
"Forgiven"
*Don't leave me...I wouldn't know what to do if you ever left me.*
Marcus had been stabilized after Dr. Helm managed to stop the immense bleeding, wrapped his lesion and used morphine to ease the pain. However, he couldn't do much to help the slight fever that had set upon him due to the wounds' exposure to open air.
"Doctor? Is Marcus going to make it? He's not in....?" The small trembling in her words belied the calmness of her expression.
"He will be fine, however he's did lose a lot of blood. He's too weak to move from the bed. I wouldn't worry too much about the fever. Let him drink lots of liquids and I don't want him to move around too much. The stitches could tear if he strains himself." Dr. Helm felt odd that Tessa used Grisham's first name. He was even more flabbergasted at first when he found out that she wanted the former captain to stay in her hacienda. Shaking his head slowly, he felt sorry for the latest victim of Grisham's suave charms. He never realized that Tessa Alvarado was more of a ditz than she let on.
"Good night Dr. Helm. Don't let the gate hit you on your way out." Tessa's syrupy voice hid the sting of the words and Dr. Helm was too stunned to reply. In fact, Tessa had seen the doctor's expressions and knew he now thought less of her. She was tired of his grumpy attitudes and she decided to strike back. No one disrespected her and got away with it.
Exhaling the huge breath she had been holding in the whole night, she ventured into the guest room. Seeing Marcus sleeping peacefully on the bed was enough to soothe the anxiety she had felt the entire time Helm was saving his life.
*Oh, Marcus....What have you done to me? I need you safe and in good health. I lost a lover once, I'm not letting you go without a fight.*
Sitting beside the bed, Tessa took his hand in hers. The steady pulse in his wrist brought comfort and lulled her into a deep sleep. At last, exhaustion took its toll on her.
~*~
Marcus was used to the pain he woke up in, so the soreness in his insides was bearable and recognizable. On the other hand, he wasn't quite familiar with the soft feminine hands that were holding him. Looking down from his hooded eyes, he gaped at the sight of a raven-haired angel sleeping next to him.
\So beautiful.\ The simple thought exposed the surge of love he immediately felt as he took in the sight of her. He drowsily took in his surroundings. Obviously, after Huntley had attempted to kill him, he was somehow taken back to her hacienda. \But why?\ Rubbing his eyes, he tried to clear his head of the grogginess he felt. Reassured that Tessa was safe in an innocent slumber, he slowly slipped his hand out of her grasp. Hissing in pain, he snuck out of bed to continue on his interrupted escape.
In the dark, Marcus wasn't too sure of his footing and his vision kept clouding up. He instantly lost his way in the large home. Opening a random door, he found himself in the same parlor that Tessa used to escape to during her bouts of insomnia. The parlor had been her sanctuary and Marcus seemed to feel its calming sensations as well. An old wooden unmarked box caught his eye on the center table. Curious, he lifted its lid to reveal the backside of a large card. The shape was different from any playing cards and its edges were exquisitely detailed borders. These were the same cards that Marta used to reveal Tessa's fate. Turning the first card over, he saw the "Lovers" card. An unexpected shiver went through him. He was about to lift the next card of the stack on a whim, when the sound of the door creaking brought his attention to his significant other at the entrance.
Tessa had panicked when she found the bed empty as she woke up from the chill in the room. Lighting every candle she could find as she ran from room to room, she saw the parlor was the only place she haven't checked. Placing the candle on the table she saw that Marcus had found Marta's box of Tarot cards. A strange tremor went through Tessa when she glanced at the "Lovers" card that he had uncovered.
Unbeknownst to the couple, the next card that Marcus had been ready to lift from its place was the "Queen of Swords". The exact card that she had used many times before. The same card that Marcus would instantly recognized as the calling card of the infamous outlaw he had grown dangerously close to.
"What are you doing here? I was worried about you. You should be in bed, Marcus." The tender sound of his name from her mouth caused his heart to swell as a small blush appeared on his face. No one had said his name with such love for a long-------since his mother died.
\C'mon, Marcus. This is Tessa we're talking about. She could make the devil change his ways with her gentle words.\ Pushing his sensitive feelings aside, he took several steps away from her. Seeing the window seat, he was relieved to sit down and alleviate his aching wounds.
"Sorry, couldn't sleep." His curt reply took her by surprise.
A little irritated, that of all the seats in the parlor, he took her favorite, she took a chair and pushed it across from him. Looking expectantly at him, Tessa's gaze ran all over his slim, tall figure. The harsh white bandages stood out against the deep tan of his rippling muscles. Long, dirty blonde curls trailed over half-closed blue eyes, which stared aimlessly out beyond the glass. His angular profile was softened by the candlelight. Its dim glow wasn't enough to penetrate the darker parts of the room. Hidden parts like their secret lives. Shadows like the masks they put on so no one could see who they truly were.
Her eyes caressed and stroked him; she took in every small movement he made, imprinted each individual trait into her mind. Catching sight of Tessa's eyes from the reflection, he felt her loving gaze on him. Turning around to make sure he wasn't seeing things, he let out a low gasp.
She had forgotten about herself; taking care of him had been foremost in her mind. In the low light, he was able to make out a red, housecoat buttoned hastily over the torn nightgown, while her long hair was in a messy pony tied by a loose ribbon. Her face was devoid of the leaves, but there was still dirt smeared on her cheeks and chin. A white bandage on her forehead reminded him of Huntley's schemes.
Guilt washed over him for not noticing her earlier. \God! Am I that self- absorbed? She could have had a concussion while I nursed my own pain. What kind of man am I?! She needed my help and I don't even remember to take care of her.\ Ignoring the protests from his wounds, he got up and stepped towards her. Sensing a change over him, Tessa got up and her cheeks met the warm palms of his hands stroking her. Titling her chin towards him, he brought one hand to his mouth and licked his thumb. He slowly wiped the dirt off her face with extreme care. All the while Tessa's eyes widened in shock, but drifted shut as she felt her hair released from the ribbon. His fingers slowly combed through the long tresses, and he smiled slightly at her reaction to his attentive gestures. Lost in the sensations of her soft curves against his body, his drifting hand accidentally bumped into her bandage. She reflexively jerked from the pain. "Ouch!" Completely dumbfounded at his undoing, he let her go at once. \There you go, genius. Shouldn't have done that. Now look, she's gonna hate you for it. Mr. Suave is definitely not in the house tonight.\
"Sorry." He mumbled an apology as he gathered his composure.
Tessa watched his sudden change of mood quizzically. This man never ceased to amaze her with complete transformations of varying moods. But she felt it had been a turn for the worse. He wasn't making eye contact and he had distanced himself from her physically and mentally. She didn't like the change at all. Regaining her assertiveness, she closed the gap and embraced him. He tensed at first, but relaxed against her. Then negative thoughts started to run through him again. He was about to push her away when he felt fluttering fingers on his bandages.
"The doctor said you shouldn't strain yourself. I don't want the wounds to open themselves. You need to rest, Marcus." He looked down to see her large eyes peering up at him. Another wave of love washed over him.
\I don't deserve this. She needs to know the truth before I make another fatal mistake.\
Holding her at arms' length, he looked into her trusting eyes. "I need to tell you something."
"Can't you tell me tomorrow when you're well rested?" Worry crept into her voice again.
"I...." He immediately halted, then began again. "Tessa, I was responsible for your father's death."
"What?!" She whispered in shock.
*Stop it, Tessa! You already knew in the back of your mind a long time ago. Marcus Grisham isn't exactly a man of honor.*
"That day when Montoya ordered us to finish a 'job'. I knew exactly what he meant, but I had a vague idea of who the target was. It was a don, I knew that, but I didn't know that he was your father. I was being tested. Your father was my first test to see if I had the nerve to do the type of assignments Montoya was capable of issuing. A few miles from the hacienda we caught up with your father. My soldiers took shots to his back. There was blood all over and....Oh God....I....." Marcus' voice faltered as he struggled to finish telling her. "I knew he couldn't make it. There were too many gun shot wounds and he was suffering on his horseback. I couldn't bear to see him like that. I.....I took my only and final shot. He died immediately from the impact." Tears poured down his cheeks as the truth of her father's death came out.
"Papa!" Grief overtook her as the reality of her father's death bore down upon her.
"Why do you think I've tried to push you away all this time, Tessa? You know full well what I'm capable of. I'm a monster. A murderer! I have blood on my hands. Blood from people I've killed in the past. This is why I don't deserve compassion from you. I don't deserve it........I don't." Sinking down on the wooden floor, clutching the folds of her dress, he buried his head in her long skirt. Repentance was written all over his face. Tears had been shed and truth had been told. What he had done to Rafael Alvarado was an obligation to an order. He had tried to free a man from suffering a slow and painful death. He only expected anger and rejection. It would even come as a relief if Tessa took his own sword and kill him to avenge her father's death. She could end all the anguish that he had to endure all his life.
Struggling to compose herself, she was ready to say what she always wanted to say. Acceptance was hard, but she knew that while the pain would never go away, perpetuating hatred and vengeance was not the answer. It had led to Huntley's end. She was not going to let it control her. Besides, she was too far beyond to go back. Taking his hands in her own, she looked into the blue depths of his eyes. "I forgive you, Marcus. I know what you did was out of necessity. I wouldn't have wanted him to suffer when his time was near either. I don't hate you for it. If you think that you're a monster. Well..what am I then? What do you call a woman who's in love with a monster?" Her steady voice shook him out of his daze. Then the meaning of her words finally sank into his mind.
He wasn't expecting that. He wasn't ready to hear her declaration of forgiveness and love for him. Things were going too fast. Things were moving in a blur for him. It had taken him an incredible amount of strength to tell her the truth. He thought his fever was making him hear things. His head was dizzy from the incessant pounding. His heart was racing a mile a minute. The coward's way out was blatant denial. To push everything away was to make things better. He had done it before all his life; it was just as easy to do it now.
"No. No. No. No. NO! You can't love me! I'm a murderer, damn it! There's no future for you if you stay with me. You can't....I CAN'T!" His ramblings went on as he pulled away from her hands. Stumbling to his feet, he took off running from the parlor, never once looking back to see the heartbreak he had caused her.
"Wait. Marcus! Marcus! MARCUS!" Running after him, she saw he had gotten on his charger and rode off into the night. Gasping for breath, her hands gripped the stucco wall as her body was wracked by sobs. Turning back, she impatiently wiped her tears away. The white curtains flapping from the open window greeted her as she stepped in her bedroom. It was the same window where Huntley had taken her from her home. The night came back to her in scattered scenes. Glancing at her vanity table she saw Marcus' journal. Some pages had fallen on the floor; papers whirled around from the breeze through the window.
" I know what to do."
The image of the Queen of Swords flickered in the mirror. Taking one last look at her outfit, she tied her red sash to complete the look. Chico was used to her unusual riding times at night. However, the chestnut horse wasn't expecting its mistress to take it out for a ride since they had returned earlier that night.
She had been riding for an hour at top speed, but she was starting to get frustrated at not finding any sign of him. Then a memory came forward; she remembered that fateful day on the cliffs. She was at the end of the rope and one more step meant instant death.
"Oh, Marcus. Please tell me that you're not doing what I think you're doing," she whispered fretfully to the desert. Taking off at an incredible speed, faster than she had ever ridden before, the Queen of Swords tried to save her former enemy.
\\\\\ I paid my last respects this morning on an early grave\Already said goodbye.......nothin' left to say\A tiny church, a tiny town and not a tear was spent\Not how I wanted it.......I'm hating all of this\Now I know why I hide my love from you somedays\No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me\You came along and tore this wall down around me\Looks like you found me... now I know why\I felt like shit when I woke up this morning\I've been a loser all my life, I'm not about to change\If you don't like it........ there's the door.......nobody made you stay\There ain't a woman on the planet who can deal with it\Just how I wanted it......I'm hating all of this.......... \\\\\
\\\\\ The song is called "Woke Up This Morning" by Nickelback and it belongs to them and its respectful owners. Thanks to Kali for the look out on great songs related to Martess.