Of Sound Mind
Summary: Things have been awkward around the White House. It has been four months since that fateful night that changed Toby's life forever. But two phone calls will manage to change his life even more drastically. Toby must know look at his friends in a way that he hasn't thought about before. An the decision he must make is bigger than anything that he has had make before in his lifetime.
Rating: PG
Feedback: Always welcome, both positive and constructive criticism. arwen2117@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: I do not own The West Wing or any of the characters contained within this story. No infringement is intended by this writing. I only borrow the characters and try to do them justice.
Spoilers: Through "Shutdown".
**************************************************************************** **
Chapter 1: Advice and Counsel
His palms started to perspire. It always started with the palms. He knew that night he would have the dream. He was on the side of a road when he saw a Blue Lexus round a bend in the highway. It was raining hard, and the road was slick with precipitation. He yelled as loud as he could, trying in desperation to get the attention of the speeding car. But the raging din of the storm drowned out his cries. Suddenly, the Lexus started to hydroplane. He saw the man at the wheel trying to regain control of the steering while the woman next to him gripped the dashboard. The Lexus then careened into the barrier separating the highway from the wide ditch bordering it, and he heard the screams of the passengers over the deafening screech of metal crunching against metal.
Toby woke up in a cold sweat and breathing heavy. His sheets were tangled around his legs, as if he had been running in his sleep. The air in his bedroom felt thick and cooled his perspiring skin. It had been nearly four months since the accident, but Toby was still having the nightmares at least twice a week. As he waited for his heart rate to return back to normal, he listened for the sound of the baby monitor. Four months and he still wasn't completely used to the sound of the twins sleeping on the other end. Four months since that night, and the wounds were still fresh.
***
"Toby," Josh inquired that next morning, "have you heard anything about the Vice President making a comment to a reporter about the new drug bill?"
"Huh?.oh yeah. I have the transcript right here," Toby replied, searching through the various piles in disarray on his desk.
He finally found the paper Josh was looking for and tossed it to him.
"You know, we can't afford to get dragged into this. You might want to run this by CJ. See if she can't get the press to focus back on the new stimulus package?" Josh responded.
Toby, barely looking up and obviously distracted, said, "Yeah, I'll mention it to her after Senior Staff."
Josh muttered something and slipped out to return to his office, as Toby turned his attention to what he had been reading before Josh had interrupted him. Perched in Josh's doorway when he got back was a concerned Donna.
"So?" Donna asked with a tone like a mother worried over a sick child.
"So.he seemed a little distracted and quiet. But nothing out of the ordinary."
"Josh.This is Toby. Nothing out of the ordinary would be him pacing the halls, ranting about how the Republicans are making this country unsafe for children and.toy poodles."
"Toy poodles?"
"Okay, maybe not toy poodles. But you know what I mean. Toby has never been a quiet man. Talk to Leo."
What do you mean 'talk to Leo'?"
"I mean.talk to Leo. Toby has always been there for you when things have gotten tough. It's time to return the favor," Donna spat back heatedly.
Josh let the smallest smile slide across his face before turning serious again.
"Donna, I know. I spoke to Leo last week. He's going to talk to Toby today after Senior Staff."
Donna breathed a little easier know that Josh was concerned by Toby's quiet demeanor. Josh jotted a few notes for her, snapped close the file he was reading, and headed off to the Oval Office as Donna returned to her desk.
***
Everyone filed into the Oval Office chattering about sports and other gossip. But Toby silently shuffled in, eating an apple, completely immersed in the report he was carrying. They all took their respective seats and waited for Leo and the President. The temperature dropped several degrees in the space, or at least it seemed to, as the last conversation died away. For the past few months, things had been awkward among the Senior Staff. The opening of a door broke the silence, and everyone rose as President Bartlet and Leo McGarry entered the room.
Bartlet gestured for everyone to sit back down. He seated himself behind the desk, while Leo stood off to the side.
"So, CJ? What's coming up in this morning's briefing?" Leo asked, starting the meeting.
"Well, I've heard something about a comment made by the Vice President. So I'll spend the rest of the morning confirming the quote. Other than, it's just the push of the stimulus package."
"Sounds good. Josh?"
"There has been some movement of troops in the Kashmir region. Defense is sending over the keyhole satellite photos. Also, Congressman Bruno is concerned that we are going to bail out Cycorp Technologies. He's been calling my office for the past three days."
"Keep me informed about any new troops moving in or out of Kashmir. I want the photos sent up to the Sit Room immediately," Bartlet said.
"And meet with the congressman. Assure him the we're not about to start a precedent of bailing out companies whose CEOs are under suspicion for racketeering," Leo interjected.
"Got it."
"Toby, what's the message?" Bartlet asked, ready to get to what's next.
Toby looked up, obviously just now paying attention to the meeting. Dark circles were prominent under his eyes as were heavy bags. It was evident that he hadn't been sleeping. After a few moments, Toby snapped back into reality.
"Oh.the message is.," Toby paused to glance at his notes, "renewing the economic growth of last year. To coincide with the signing of the stimulus package."
"Alright, let's make the focus the economy today," Bartlet said, ending the meeting by standing up and putting his jacket on.
Everyone started to collect their belongings, when Leo gestured for Toby to follow him into his office. Toby went in first and Leo shut the door after entering to ensure privacy. They both sat down on the couch. Leo took a deep breath and began what he was sure was going to be a difficult and uncomfortable conversation.
"So, how are things at home now that the twins are with you full time? I know it can be rough when they're young. There were many nights when Mallory kept Jenny and me up all night," Leo said, trying to ease into the unpleasant subject.
"Well, it was difficult at first, but I'm finally getting into a routine. I still don't sleep much, but I'm getting by," Toby replied.
Toby had opened the door for Leo to begin discussing what he really wanted to know: how Toby was doing after the accident four months ago.
"I know, it's been four months since the accident, but maybe your lack of sleeping might also be because of that?" Leo gingerly ventured out onto the proverbial thin ice.
Toby swallowed hard. He had hoped that his colleagues hadn't noticed, but he knew that it was foolish to think so.
"It could be, but with working in the White House not many of us get the amount of sleep that we should."
"Speaking of work, I've noticed that you seem a little distracted. Normally when something like the accident happens you are running the hallways screaming for vengeance for all those who were wronged. But that didn't happen after Andi died. Instead, you seem to have shut down emotionally. It is as though you want to act as though nothing happened."
Toby became emotionally outraged at the insinuation that the death of ex- wife and mother of his children meant nothing to him. It had been almost half a year since he had received that late night call to come identify the body at the Maryland morgue. The mere thought of Andi's lifeless body on the metal slab still made his stomach turn. He had never spoken a word to anyone at the office about the accident or the psychological after effects. He swallowed and prepared to speak in defense of his behavior, but Leo continues.
".But I know that her death has deeply affected in such a way that you can't even begin to process the pain. So I talked to Stanley, who helped Josh with his post traumatic stress disorder, and he suggested a psychologist who specializes in bereavement. His name is Andrew Pfeiffer, and he is expecting a call from your office."
Toby was both confused and grateful at the same time. He knew that Leo meant well and probably understood how living a lie could eat away at your sanity, given his addiction years before. But at the same time, he felt as though his privacy had been invaded. None of his coworkers had lost a loved one is such a fashion as he had. But he sighed and nodded his head in agreement to Leo.
"You're right. I need to tell someone," Toby replied as Leo handed him a card with a phone number on it.
They both got up, and Leo walked Toby to the door. Before Toby left Leo smiled at him, as if to say that he knew that this was tough but that Leo knew that Toby would come out on the other side intact. Toby half- heartedly smiled back and left the office. He only wished that he had the confidence of Leo.
Toby walked back to his office and shut the door. He took the card out of his pocket that Leo had given him. It simply read "Andrew Pfeiffer 555- 7845" with a couple of addresses underneath. He picked up the phone and dialed the number. After three rings, a female voice answered.
"Office of Dr. Andrew Pfeiffer. This is Alice, how may I help you?"
"Um.This is Toby Zeigler. I was told you were expecting a call from me."
"Of course Mr. Zeigler, Mr. McGarry informed us about your situation. When would you like to schedule an appointment?"
"Um.," Toby paused to flip through his schedule for the next few days, "do you have anything for around 2:30 tomorrow afternoon?"
Toby figured that there wouldn't be any openings this soon and therefore wouldn't have to go to see the doctor while still fulfilling his promise that he made to Leo to at least call. After a few moments of hearing computer keys clicking in the background, Alice returned to the phone.
"You're in luck, Mr. Zeigler. We actually had a cancellation for 2:45 tomorrow. Would you like to take the slot?"
The question hung in the air for what seemed to be an eternity. Toby pondered whether or not he should take the appointment. He knew that he wasn't doing it okay since Andi had died, but he wasn't sure that therapy was the answer to his problems. Talking about what was troubling him had never come easily. He drew in a deep breath and finally responded to the question.
"Yes, I would."
"Okay, Mr. Ziegler. I have you schedule for tomorrow at 2:45. You'll want to arrive 15 to 20 minutes early to fill out some paperwork."
"Okay, thank you Alice. Goodbye."
"Goodbye and have a nice day."
Toby returned the receiver to its base and sat for a moment at his desk contemplating his next move. Toby felt as thought the world was spinning a thousand miles an hour while he was barely managing a slow crawl. He put his head in hands and just stared at the back of his office door. It was only the ring of his telephone that managed to snap him back into reality. That snap from the abyss of his own mind was becoming all too familiar. Something was going to have to change soon or else Toby felt that he seriously was going to lose his sanity or what little was left of it. The phone continued to ring and Toby finally picked it up.
"Toby Zeigler's office. How may I help you?"
"Yes, is Toby Ziegler there?" a male voice answered on the other end.
"Speaking."
"Mr. Zeigler. This is your attorney, Mr. Christopher Felton. I'm calling in regards to your will."
Toby's mind begins to reel as to why his lawyer would call about his will.
"What seems to be the problem?"
"Well, since the untimely death of your ex-wife; you have received custody of your children. However, your will contains no provision for their guardianship, in the case of your death. I'm calling to advise you to come in and revise your will to take into account the change of circumstances in your life."
Toby felt his heart sink to the bottom of his stomach. He hadn't even thought about who he could possibly want to take care of Molly and Huck if he should die. He had barely contemplated what would happen if Andi had died. But that tragic event had occurred and now he knew the aftermath of such an event. He swallowed hard.
"Okay. I will be into your office soon to revise my will. Thank you for calling."
"Thank you, Mr. Zeigler. Good day."
For the second time today, Toby hung up the phone in disbelief. He was now faced with the daunting task of finding a suitable guardian for his children, in case of his death. He automatically knew to count out his siblings. With his brother working for NASA, Toby knew that there was no way that his brother could assume such an enormous responsibility. And he had never been truly close to his sisters. His true family was the people he worked with on a daily basis. At that moment, he knew that the person that he would choose to take care of his children would be one of his colleagues. He just didn't know which one. He had never thought of his friends in that way. Toby pushed the thought to the back of his mind and got up to leave his office. He had already gotten too much information for one day. He decided to start the daunting task of analyzing his friends' potential parenting skills tomorrow.
Toby opened the door to his office and rejoined the bustle of the bullpen and absorbed himself into the work at hand: running the White House.
To Be Continued.Chapter 2: Parents and Children
Summary: Things have been awkward around the White House. It has been four months since that fateful night that changed Toby's life forever. But two phone calls will manage to change his life even more drastically. Toby must know look at his friends in a way that he hasn't thought about before. An the decision he must make is bigger than anything that he has had make before in his lifetime.
Rating: PG
Feedback: Always welcome, both positive and constructive criticism. arwen2117@yahoo.com
Disclaimer: I do not own The West Wing or any of the characters contained within this story. No infringement is intended by this writing. I only borrow the characters and try to do them justice.
Spoilers: Through "Shutdown".
**************************************************************************** **
Chapter 1: Advice and Counsel
His palms started to perspire. It always started with the palms. He knew that night he would have the dream. He was on the side of a road when he saw a Blue Lexus round a bend in the highway. It was raining hard, and the road was slick with precipitation. He yelled as loud as he could, trying in desperation to get the attention of the speeding car. But the raging din of the storm drowned out his cries. Suddenly, the Lexus started to hydroplane. He saw the man at the wheel trying to regain control of the steering while the woman next to him gripped the dashboard. The Lexus then careened into the barrier separating the highway from the wide ditch bordering it, and he heard the screams of the passengers over the deafening screech of metal crunching against metal.
Toby woke up in a cold sweat and breathing heavy. His sheets were tangled around his legs, as if he had been running in his sleep. The air in his bedroom felt thick and cooled his perspiring skin. It had been nearly four months since the accident, but Toby was still having the nightmares at least twice a week. As he waited for his heart rate to return back to normal, he listened for the sound of the baby monitor. Four months and he still wasn't completely used to the sound of the twins sleeping on the other end. Four months since that night, and the wounds were still fresh.
***
"Toby," Josh inquired that next morning, "have you heard anything about the Vice President making a comment to a reporter about the new drug bill?"
"Huh?.oh yeah. I have the transcript right here," Toby replied, searching through the various piles in disarray on his desk.
He finally found the paper Josh was looking for and tossed it to him.
"You know, we can't afford to get dragged into this. You might want to run this by CJ. See if she can't get the press to focus back on the new stimulus package?" Josh responded.
Toby, barely looking up and obviously distracted, said, "Yeah, I'll mention it to her after Senior Staff."
Josh muttered something and slipped out to return to his office, as Toby turned his attention to what he had been reading before Josh had interrupted him. Perched in Josh's doorway when he got back was a concerned Donna.
"So?" Donna asked with a tone like a mother worried over a sick child.
"So.he seemed a little distracted and quiet. But nothing out of the ordinary."
"Josh.This is Toby. Nothing out of the ordinary would be him pacing the halls, ranting about how the Republicans are making this country unsafe for children and.toy poodles."
"Toy poodles?"
"Okay, maybe not toy poodles. But you know what I mean. Toby has never been a quiet man. Talk to Leo."
What do you mean 'talk to Leo'?"
"I mean.talk to Leo. Toby has always been there for you when things have gotten tough. It's time to return the favor," Donna spat back heatedly.
Josh let the smallest smile slide across his face before turning serious again.
"Donna, I know. I spoke to Leo last week. He's going to talk to Toby today after Senior Staff."
Donna breathed a little easier know that Josh was concerned by Toby's quiet demeanor. Josh jotted a few notes for her, snapped close the file he was reading, and headed off to the Oval Office as Donna returned to her desk.
***
Everyone filed into the Oval Office chattering about sports and other gossip. But Toby silently shuffled in, eating an apple, completely immersed in the report he was carrying. They all took their respective seats and waited for Leo and the President. The temperature dropped several degrees in the space, or at least it seemed to, as the last conversation died away. For the past few months, things had been awkward among the Senior Staff. The opening of a door broke the silence, and everyone rose as President Bartlet and Leo McGarry entered the room.
Bartlet gestured for everyone to sit back down. He seated himself behind the desk, while Leo stood off to the side.
"So, CJ? What's coming up in this morning's briefing?" Leo asked, starting the meeting.
"Well, I've heard something about a comment made by the Vice President. So I'll spend the rest of the morning confirming the quote. Other than, it's just the push of the stimulus package."
"Sounds good. Josh?"
"There has been some movement of troops in the Kashmir region. Defense is sending over the keyhole satellite photos. Also, Congressman Bruno is concerned that we are going to bail out Cycorp Technologies. He's been calling my office for the past three days."
"Keep me informed about any new troops moving in or out of Kashmir. I want the photos sent up to the Sit Room immediately," Bartlet said.
"And meet with the congressman. Assure him the we're not about to start a precedent of bailing out companies whose CEOs are under suspicion for racketeering," Leo interjected.
"Got it."
"Toby, what's the message?" Bartlet asked, ready to get to what's next.
Toby looked up, obviously just now paying attention to the meeting. Dark circles were prominent under his eyes as were heavy bags. It was evident that he hadn't been sleeping. After a few moments, Toby snapped back into reality.
"Oh.the message is.," Toby paused to glance at his notes, "renewing the economic growth of last year. To coincide with the signing of the stimulus package."
"Alright, let's make the focus the economy today," Bartlet said, ending the meeting by standing up and putting his jacket on.
Everyone started to collect their belongings, when Leo gestured for Toby to follow him into his office. Toby went in first and Leo shut the door after entering to ensure privacy. They both sat down on the couch. Leo took a deep breath and began what he was sure was going to be a difficult and uncomfortable conversation.
"So, how are things at home now that the twins are with you full time? I know it can be rough when they're young. There were many nights when Mallory kept Jenny and me up all night," Leo said, trying to ease into the unpleasant subject.
"Well, it was difficult at first, but I'm finally getting into a routine. I still don't sleep much, but I'm getting by," Toby replied.
Toby had opened the door for Leo to begin discussing what he really wanted to know: how Toby was doing after the accident four months ago.
"I know, it's been four months since the accident, but maybe your lack of sleeping might also be because of that?" Leo gingerly ventured out onto the proverbial thin ice.
Toby swallowed hard. He had hoped that his colleagues hadn't noticed, but he knew that it was foolish to think so.
"It could be, but with working in the White House not many of us get the amount of sleep that we should."
"Speaking of work, I've noticed that you seem a little distracted. Normally when something like the accident happens you are running the hallways screaming for vengeance for all those who were wronged. But that didn't happen after Andi died. Instead, you seem to have shut down emotionally. It is as though you want to act as though nothing happened."
Toby became emotionally outraged at the insinuation that the death of ex- wife and mother of his children meant nothing to him. It had been almost half a year since he had received that late night call to come identify the body at the Maryland morgue. The mere thought of Andi's lifeless body on the metal slab still made his stomach turn. He had never spoken a word to anyone at the office about the accident or the psychological after effects. He swallowed and prepared to speak in defense of his behavior, but Leo continues.
".But I know that her death has deeply affected in such a way that you can't even begin to process the pain. So I talked to Stanley, who helped Josh with his post traumatic stress disorder, and he suggested a psychologist who specializes in bereavement. His name is Andrew Pfeiffer, and he is expecting a call from your office."
Toby was both confused and grateful at the same time. He knew that Leo meant well and probably understood how living a lie could eat away at your sanity, given his addiction years before. But at the same time, he felt as though his privacy had been invaded. None of his coworkers had lost a loved one is such a fashion as he had. But he sighed and nodded his head in agreement to Leo.
"You're right. I need to tell someone," Toby replied as Leo handed him a card with a phone number on it.
They both got up, and Leo walked Toby to the door. Before Toby left Leo smiled at him, as if to say that he knew that this was tough but that Leo knew that Toby would come out on the other side intact. Toby half- heartedly smiled back and left the office. He only wished that he had the confidence of Leo.
Toby walked back to his office and shut the door. He took the card out of his pocket that Leo had given him. It simply read "Andrew Pfeiffer 555- 7845" with a couple of addresses underneath. He picked up the phone and dialed the number. After three rings, a female voice answered.
"Office of Dr. Andrew Pfeiffer. This is Alice, how may I help you?"
"Um.This is Toby Zeigler. I was told you were expecting a call from me."
"Of course Mr. Zeigler, Mr. McGarry informed us about your situation. When would you like to schedule an appointment?"
"Um.," Toby paused to flip through his schedule for the next few days, "do you have anything for around 2:30 tomorrow afternoon?"
Toby figured that there wouldn't be any openings this soon and therefore wouldn't have to go to see the doctor while still fulfilling his promise that he made to Leo to at least call. After a few moments of hearing computer keys clicking in the background, Alice returned to the phone.
"You're in luck, Mr. Zeigler. We actually had a cancellation for 2:45 tomorrow. Would you like to take the slot?"
The question hung in the air for what seemed to be an eternity. Toby pondered whether or not he should take the appointment. He knew that he wasn't doing it okay since Andi had died, but he wasn't sure that therapy was the answer to his problems. Talking about what was troubling him had never come easily. He drew in a deep breath and finally responded to the question.
"Yes, I would."
"Okay, Mr. Ziegler. I have you schedule for tomorrow at 2:45. You'll want to arrive 15 to 20 minutes early to fill out some paperwork."
"Okay, thank you Alice. Goodbye."
"Goodbye and have a nice day."
Toby returned the receiver to its base and sat for a moment at his desk contemplating his next move. Toby felt as thought the world was spinning a thousand miles an hour while he was barely managing a slow crawl. He put his head in hands and just stared at the back of his office door. It was only the ring of his telephone that managed to snap him back into reality. That snap from the abyss of his own mind was becoming all too familiar. Something was going to have to change soon or else Toby felt that he seriously was going to lose his sanity or what little was left of it. The phone continued to ring and Toby finally picked it up.
"Toby Zeigler's office. How may I help you?"
"Yes, is Toby Ziegler there?" a male voice answered on the other end.
"Speaking."
"Mr. Zeigler. This is your attorney, Mr. Christopher Felton. I'm calling in regards to your will."
Toby's mind begins to reel as to why his lawyer would call about his will.
"What seems to be the problem?"
"Well, since the untimely death of your ex-wife; you have received custody of your children. However, your will contains no provision for their guardianship, in the case of your death. I'm calling to advise you to come in and revise your will to take into account the change of circumstances in your life."
Toby felt his heart sink to the bottom of his stomach. He hadn't even thought about who he could possibly want to take care of Molly and Huck if he should die. He had barely contemplated what would happen if Andi had died. But that tragic event had occurred and now he knew the aftermath of such an event. He swallowed hard.
"Okay. I will be into your office soon to revise my will. Thank you for calling."
"Thank you, Mr. Zeigler. Good day."
For the second time today, Toby hung up the phone in disbelief. He was now faced with the daunting task of finding a suitable guardian for his children, in case of his death. He automatically knew to count out his siblings. With his brother working for NASA, Toby knew that there was no way that his brother could assume such an enormous responsibility. And he had never been truly close to his sisters. His true family was the people he worked with on a daily basis. At that moment, he knew that the person that he would choose to take care of his children would be one of his colleagues. He just didn't know which one. He had never thought of his friends in that way. Toby pushed the thought to the back of his mind and got up to leave his office. He had already gotten too much information for one day. He decided to start the daunting task of analyzing his friends' potential parenting skills tomorrow.
Toby opened the door to his office and rejoined the bustle of the bullpen and absorbed himself into the work at hand: running the White House.
To Be Continued.Chapter 2: Parents and Children