The four Marauders didn't see each other until the next morning. Whether
by accident or design, they went into the dormitory one by one, each having
long enough to get ready for bed and fall asleep before the next came
upstairs. Peter came first, followed by James, then Remus, and finally, at
about 2am, Sirius Black.
He had spent the evening sitting in a remote classroom alone, looking at the stars. Beneath his careless exterior, he was really intrigued and captivated by them and would happily read astronomy books for hours. Only in private though: he had the reputation for being effortlessly brainy and too cool for studying to maintain. Remus was the only one who ever really saw this hidden side of him - James and Sirius may have been best friends, but in a way that put more pressure on Sirius to 'perform'. He didn't have to perform for Remus.
James woke up first. He woke the others by singing loudly as he got dressed: 'Love Potion' by the Whizbees. James was a boy of many talents, but singing wasn't one of them. For a few minutes, things seemed back to normal as Wormtail, Padfoot and Moony teased Prongs and pelted him with pillows. However, the moment passed, and as the four walked down to breakfast things felt very awkward. Sirius wasn't speaking at all, peter wouldn't shut up about Joanne, and James and Remus were unusually uproarious. Their good spirits seemed brittle and false though, to cover up the gaps left by Sirius's silence. All four were thankful when they finished eating and split up for lessons. Remus had Herbology, James Care of Magical Creatures, Sirius Astronomy and Peter a free period as he was taking fewer OWLs than his friends.
Remus's relief at leaving his friends was short-lived when he remembered Severus Snape would be in his Herbology lesson. He walked as slowly as he could, arriving late, and slipped into a seat at the front without catching anyone's eye. Thankfully the lesson was all theory, and he sat making diligent notes about Mediterranean water plants and their properties he looked as though he was concentrating hard on what Professor Applebaum was saying, but he was writing on autopilot. Rereading his notes later on, he couldn't remember writing a word.
Eventually the bell rang. He packed his quill, parchment and books slowly away, his mind elsewhere. He was brought rudely back to the present by someone saying his name.
'Remus,' his head jerked up. Severus Snape was standing a few feet away from him. Apart form them, the classroom was empty.
'Remus, er, do you have a free now?' Snape asked.
Remus nodded.
'I need to talk to you,' Snape said hoarsely. Behind a curtain of hair, haunted black eyes were piercing into Remus's consciousness. He didn't want to have this conversation, but knew it was inevitable.
'I'm - I'm sorry about - last night. I can understand if you don't ever want to talk to me again. I shouldn't have done what I did, I know. I suddenly couldn't help myself. Sorry.'
'It's okay Severus,' Remus said gently. 'I don't mind.'
The look of sudden joy on Snape's face was almost pitiful. It seemed like a barrier had been removed, and before Remus could continue, to say what he had to, Snape began to talk.
'Remus, I knew it, I knew that you wouldn't mind, I mean, you wouldn't hate me, so I have something to tell you. I love you Remus Lupin and I don't care what anyone thinks. I've never met anyone like you. I'd do anything for you, anything at all. I think you're beautiful and just perfect, perfect,' Snape's voice trembled as he made his confession.
Remus just stood and stared. Finally he spoke.
'I'm sorry Severus. But I don't love you as anything except a friend. I can't - do this-' He ran out of the room, tears running down his face. Severus stood in the deserted room and wept; quiet, dignified.
Remus raced to the nearest boys' toilets. He locked himself in a cubicle and admonished himself in a furious whisper.
'What on earth do you thingk you're doing, running away from him like that? He's got courage you can't even imagine, and you a bloody Gryffindor. You don't even deserve to be here. You certainly don't deserve to have someone feel like that about you.' He carried on muttering to himself, not hearing the door open.
As soon as he opened the door, Sirius Black could hear the voice of the one he loved. Remus sounded angry and upset, but at who? There was no one else in here. He cleared his throat to warn Remus of his presence. The muttering stopped dead.
'Er, Sir?' a disembodied voice asked.
'Yeah, 's me,' Sirius replied. Shit. Alone with Remus.
'Sir, I have to talk to someone - about Snape - please?'
'Okay, let me in.'
The door swung open. Remus was standing there. His face was pale, his eyes red and his hair wild from his habit of digging his hands in it and pulling whenever he was agitated.
Sirius immediately forgot his confusions and fears, and just grabbed Remus, hugging him. The smaller boy collapsed into Sirius's arms for a few seconds before he pulled himself together and drew back from his friend.
'Why are you crying Re? Who made you cry? Was it Snape - is this his fault?' Sirius demanded furiously.
'I'm just being pathetic,' Remus said, trying to return to his usual sensible self.
Sirius shook his head. 'No Re, I doubt it. Tell me.'
'Severus told me - he said he loved me.' Remus wouldn't meet Sirius's eyes.
'He didn't - force you - to do anything - did he? Hurt you?'
'Nope. Just said he - well, said that.'
'But why are you crying? I mean - someone loving you - that's nice, isn't it? Even if it is Snape.'
'No Sir, it's not that. It's just -' Remus seemed to be struggling to make a decision. He lifted his strange golden eyes and saw Sirius looking at him. In that moment, he knew he could trust his friend.
'I'm jealous. Of Severus. He's in love - and he's done something about it. He's brave enough to let me know everything. He just told me what he'sfeeling - was honest.' Sirius felt as if he himself was being criticised for his secrecy before Remus said, 'I wish I was brave enough to tell the person I love how I feel. But no, not me. Too scared. You're the first I've told.'
Sirius felt as though he was freefalling.
'Who - who is it?' he gasped.
The gold of Remus's eyes grew misty and frustrated tears filled his eyes. 'I can't do it. I'm sorry Sir. I shouldn't be a Gryffindor. Sometimes - sometimes I just wish I was dead.'
'oh, God, Remus - oh God-' Sirius stammered inarticulately.
'I do Sirius. And Severus has made it even clearer why - why I hate myself. It's not the wolf. It's the inability to do - what I should. That person - they deserve to know how I feel - I'm lying to them by not telling them.'
'Why can't you tell them? You've told me - I mean, it's not Lily is it?' Remus shook his head. 'Well then, who? Who could be so bad that you can't even tell me?'
'Please don't ask Sir. I don't want to talk about this anymore.'
Sirius got up wordlessly and went out of the cubicle. Remus followed and watched what he was doing, confused for the first few seconds before being overcome with gratitude and - what else?
Sirius was using his considerable Transfiguration ability. He turned two toilet rolls into big earthenware mugs, and then a couple of bars of soap into teabags, before shooting boiling water from the end of his wand into firs tone mug, then the other. He fished out the teabags gingerly with his wand before transfiguring them into little Muggle plastic pots of milk which he emptied into the mugs. Then he handed one of the mugs to Remus and picked one up himself.
'You don't drink tea,' Remus stated.
'Well, you like it, so it must be worth a try,' Sirius said half-seriously. He took a sip but grimaced as he swallowed quickly and hung his tongue out of his mouth, panting 'hot, hot!'
Remus laughed at him. 'Put your tongue away Padfoot!'
Sirius grinned back. 'Well, Moony loony loopy Lupin,' he teased, earning himself the amusing sight of Remus swiping at him as he dodged the blows. 'What do you want to do in our free Re? Free Re Re freemee Remy free. hehe,'
Remus rolled his eyes. 'I don't know Sirius. Oh -' his face fell. 'I have to see Severus. I'm sorry. He deserves any apology.'
Sirius wasn't about to argue with Remus and his friend's strict sense of decency, even though he personally felt the only things Snape deserved were ritual public humiliation and a smack in the chops.
'I'll come Re, wait a little way away, and then we can go off somewhere afterwards.'
Remus looked dubious but acquiesced. He quickly washed the dried tears off his face with icy water, which made his cheeks glow pink. He turned to Sirius, shaking his dishevelled hair back, wiping his face on his robes. Sirius felt his heart constrict but desperately held onto his composure.
'Ready - let's get this over,' Remus said briskly.
They walked quickly back to the Herbology room. Sirius carried on walking a little way, and turned a corner.
'Right,' Remus said. He breathed in shakily and walked in through the open door. Severus Snape was still standing in there. His eyes were closed.
'Er - Severus?'
his eyes snapped open, big black eyes. The pupils blended into the iris completely which added to Snape's striking appearance.
'Remus,' he said pleadingly.
'Severus, I'm sorry. I shouldn't've run off. And I'm sorry. I don't love you. I wish I did. But I don't -'
Severus let out a quiet wailing moan. He sounded as though he was in terrible pain. He moaned again and broke into tears. Remus sprang forward and was hugging him before he knew it himself.
'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't do that Severus, I'm sorry -'
Severus detached himself with dignity.
'We aren't so different, Remus Lupin. We're both hiding things. one day I'll know you properly. I'll know where it is you go when you disappear. I want to know everything about you, your life.'
Remus shivered, though the room was not cold.
'I could see love in you, shining out of you, and as much as I hoped, I knew it wasn't for me. I know who it is Remus. And I know we have something else in common - some sort of unnatural - attraction - to males, instead of females. Yes? You don't bother denying it.
'I can't deny, Remus Lupin, that I've become obsessed with you,' Snape continued, his strange eyes wide and staring with fanaticism. 'I find the idea of you in Black's possession, in his arms, very difficult to take. But I know that, honest and brave you may be, you wouldn't tell him and risk losing him. So I suppose you'll be alone. Like me - like me.' He turned and walked out of the room.
Remus's legs were shaking. He pulled out a chair and sat carefully down. "How does he know about Sirius? And why does he want to know about me? What's he going to do?" he thought confusedly.
Snape stalked down the corridor. His mind was distracted; he didn't see Sirius Black at all. A rough voice interrupted his reverie and he immediately tried to erect the Snape mask of scornful indifference.
'What are you doing to my Remus, Snape? You made him cry - I won't have it! I won't! How dare you kiss him, sully his mouth with your vile lips? How could you ever think you'd get him for your own? I'd rather kill you than let you hurt him -' To his utter surprise Snape was weeping.
'Shut the fuck up Snivellus! St-stop crying!'
Snape was regarding him with more than the usual loathing as tears rolled down his cheeks, but there was something else there - jealousy? Pity?
'He'll never be yours, Black,' he whispered.
Something inside Sirius snapped. He was about to pull out his wand and - do what? He didn't know - when a poisonous idea crept into his mind.
'Oh Severus, Severus - there's so much about my Remus that you don't know and he'd never tell you. He disappears a lot, wouldn't you say? Haven't you ever wondered where to - why? Of course you have. And, Severus, I'm going to give you a helping hand on how to find out.
'Tonight, go down to the Whomping Willow. Pick up a long stick, use it to poke a knot under the thickest branch. It will stop moving for a few moments. At the base of the tree there is an opening to a tunnel underground. Just follow the tunnel. Remus is as the end of it.'
Snape looked at him with suspicious hatred before running off somewhere. Sirius didn't care. He headed back to find his friend.
He went into the Herbology classroom.
'Re, Remus, what's the matter? It's okay Re.'
He slipped an arm around his trembling friend and hugged him gently, steadfastly ignoring the murmurings of desire that this contact provoked in him. They stayed like that for a long time, Remus slumped in the tall chair and Sirius next to him, holding him as if by his embrace he could squeeze out all the pain and hurt.
'What did he say to you?'
'He said we were the same. he knew things, things I'd never told anyone. How did he know? And he said - God, he said he was - obsessed - with me. With me! And that he wanted to know all about me.'
Sirius's face worse a strange look of satisfaction, but Remus was too shocked to notice. Sirius just held his friend tightly and they sat like that, Remus shaking and Sirius silently holding him, until the bell went for the next lesson.
The rest of the day passed fairly uneventfully. Remus was very quiet and thoughtful, but then he was often was, so nobody apart from Sirius really noticed. Sirius was quiet too, but Peter would never have dared to say anything and James assumed it was to do with his confession the previous night so tactfully avoided commenting on the subject.
At dinner, they sat together as usual but there was none of the usual banter between Sirius and James. No one spoke a lot.
After dinner Remus went up to the dormitory to change into warm robes before going to the infirmary to be escorted to the Whomping Willow by Madam Pomfrey. Unknown to anyone, Severus Snape watched him walk across the school grounds with her from a tower at the front of the castle.
Snape was surprised. He had dismissed Black's mysterious suggestion as yet another prank but as he saw the two figures disappear into the gloom he made up his mind. He had to follow Remus.
Meanwhile Sirius was sitting in the Gryffindor common room with James and Peter, who were chatting about some essay they had been set by Professor Flitwick. Sirius wasn't listening at all. He was curled up like a spring in a big red armchair, staring glassy-eyed at the moon. Peter kept shooting him quizzical looks, which he was oblivious to, but James subtly kept the small chubby boy's attention away from Sirius for the most part. He wouldn't really have known why he was doing that if someone had asked him, but he vaguely felt that now would not be a good time for someone to irritate Sirius.
The time dragged by; the evening to Sirius seemed interminable. He couldn't get Snape's words out of his head, and his vivid imagination was conjuring up possible versions of events to come.
By seven, he couldn't bear it any longer.
'When are we going down?' he asked abruptly.
James and Peter both stared.
'Er - in about an hour it'll be moonrise - so give it three quarters of an hour?' James said.
Sirius nodded brusquely. After a few moments, James started up another conversation with Peter. They talked for a few minutes before Sirius interrupted.
'James, I need to talk to you.'
James's eyes were wide with surprise and his black hair stood up comically.
'Right now?'
'Yeah.'
Sirius leaped to his feet like a Bludger being released and all but ran out of the room. James followed a bit more slowly. They went up the stairs and into their dormitory.
Sirius waited for James to come in before he shut the door and leaned against it, readying himself to speak. But before he could begin, James started to talk.
'Sirius, you know I know why you've been acting weird all day. This is about Moony, isn't it? The Moony and Snape thing. But really, I know you have nothing to be jealous of. Moony would never - well, I mean, Snape! God, no!' he laughed.
Sirius looked at him dully.
'It's to do with that Jamie, yeah. But I've done something really stupid. I've told Snape.'
'You told Snape what? What do you - oh God. Sirius. You didn't tell him about - Moony?'
Sirius looked the picture of suffering.
'James, I told him how to get past the willow into the tunnel.'
James opened his mouth to speak before he had fully comprehended what Sirius had said. As the realisation sank in, he went pale. He stood motionless for a second.
'Right, I think we need to get Dumbledore. We're not going to be able to persuade Snape not to go and find Remus - maybe we could Stun him? But no, he could still tell people afterwards. No. We have to get Dumbledore. Come on Sirius, you can explain later.'
He rushed out of the room, pausing only to grab Peter who was nodding sleepily by the common room fire. The three boys were running at full speed down the stairs to the staff area when they suddenly collided with an invisible barrier at the bottom.
James jumped up and looked wildly around for the culprit. He heard cruel laughter and wheeled around. At the tope of the stairs was Lucius Malfoy and a little gang of Slytherins. Snape was conspicuously absent. His magic skills were in demand amongst his fellow house members although they ridiculed him mercilessly behind his back for his many peculiarities.
'For fuck's sake, Malfoy!' James yelled.
'Swearing, Potter?' came a cold voice behind him. There was a tall gaunt man standing there.
'Professor Mondaugen.' James trailed off. Normally he would have been as rude as he liked to the Slytherin housemaster, but he just wanted to get away as quickly as possible. He saw a slow smile spread across Mondaugen's face as the man sensed his urgency and groaned inwardly. The professor looked like a cat about to play with the mice it had caught. He decided to try honesty.
'Please professor, I did swear and you can deduct as many points from me as you like, but I have somewhere I really really need to go and -'
'Oh Potter, really? Well. I don't want to deduct points. I want to give you a detention, I think, right now -'
'Damn it, no! We have to go somewhere!' Sirius shouted. Then his heart sank as James glared at him. Now he'd fallen for Mondaugen's infuriating techniques for getting his least favourite students in trouble.
'Please, Professor, we'll do double detention tomorrow,' James pleaded.
Mondaugen shook his head.
'I think not. And seeing as Mister Black cannot control his impatience either, I think he had better join you.'
Peter looked completely bewildered by the events which were rapidly unfolding before his eyes. He had no idea why he was running: James had told him to and that was enough for him. And now Mondaugen had caught them all and didn't seem prepared to let them go.
'James -' he started but was cut off by Mondaugen's silky tones.
'Ah, Mister Pettigrew. I think that as you three were obviously up to no good, you can join Black and Potter. Come.' He stalked off, away from the staff rooms and Sirius and James followed with Peter dragging his heels at the rear. James was so fidgety and impatient that Peter wondered whether Malfoy had cast the Seven Year Itch hex on him.
'Sirius,' James hissed between his teeth, 'we can't do this; we have to get away. If we don't stop Moony meeting Snape.' he shuddered and then screwed up his forehead, trying to think.
Sirius, meanwhile, had gone almost grey. The true horror of what he might have done had become fully apparent to him. "I could have made Remus a murderer" was almost the only thought in his mind. "He could go to Azkaban." As James agitated beside him, his face became set. He shifted on of his hands to the pocket where he kept his wand.
Mondaugen led the boys down into the dungeons of the castle, to the Ancient Runes classroom where he taught. The room was very dark, lit only by a few flickering torches on the walls. Dust lay thick around them and on the shelves of archaic pieces of parchment which were piled high.
'Right, gentlemen. Your punishment. You must sort all of these rune charts into date order, starting with the most recent. No magic, no talking. And every one you get wrong I will make you translate.'
'Professor Mondaugen,' Sirius began, 'can I do this tomorrow night?'
'No you most certainly may not,' the teacher replied snappishly.
Sirius's arm moved so quickly it was just a black blur. A purple bolt of light shot across the room and hit Mondaugen squarely in the chest. He slumped against the wall he was stood next to before sliding slowly down, unconscious.
Peter was flabbergasted.
'What - what - why?' he stammered. But James and Sirius were already dashing out of the classroom.
James called back over his shoulder, 'Snape knows about Moony - get Dumbledore - Whomping Willow!' They raced away down the corridor and Peter trotted back to the staff area, finally understanding his friends' urgency.
James and Sirius ran straight out of the castle and down the grassy slope towards the Whomping Willow. Night had already fallen and the full moon had risen with austere beauty in the black sky. For a second Sirius though about Remus - how he would have been confused and upset that none of his friends had come for his transformation and how even now a big grey wolf with amber eyes would be clawing and biting at itself in the Shrieking Shack. He gave a dry sob but carried on running.
The two boys finally reached the willow which was flailing its branches wildly. There was no sign of Snape. Sirius and James ground to a halt just outside the willow's range. They looked at it, then at each other.
'Right,' Sirius said as if he was going to say something else, but then stopped. Then without warning he dashed forward amongst the moving branches which battered him angrily. He managed to get to the freezing knot though, and pressed it.
In the split second before the Whomping Willow froze, the tree's largest branch swooped down and hit Sirius viciously across his head. He crumpled and fell as if in slow motion.
'Sirius!' James yelled. He ran over to his friend. He could see he was still breathing and he made an instant decision - he had to leave Sirius lying on the ground beneath the willow and try to find Snape alone.
He found the entrance to the tunnel without difficulty and wriggled down through it. He lit up his wand and found himself in a familiar earth tunnel with roots protruding through the sloping roof and walls. Above him he could hear the Whomping Willow creaking back into action, and some distance away he could hear movements. Then, quite distinctly, he heard a howl. He jumped, and then took to his heels, racing down the tunnel yelling 'Snape!' as loudly as he could.
A shadowy figure hove into his vision and he raced up to Snape, who had turned to see who was shouting his name.
'Potter? What are you doing here?' Snape asked, too shocked to be sarcastic.
'Come on, quick, we have to get out,' James panted.
'Why? I've come here to find Lupin and I'm not going without him,' Snape said stubbornly.
'No really, come on quick, Snape please just listen to me.'
'And why should I do that?' Snape snapped.
He turned and continued walking along the tunnel. Then he froze. There was a shadow moving away down the tunnel.
'A - a dog?' Snape said aloud. He walked a bit further.
James heard Snape's voice though he didn't hear the words in the sound- deadening tunnel. He peered into the gloom and what he saw up ahead made his heart beat wildly. His knees nearly gave way but he knew what he had to do.
'Snape,' he called urgently, 'Snape, it's a werewolf. Remus is a werewolf.'
Snape stopped dead. A million emotions rushed through him and he stood as if bolted to the ground. Then he fell slowly to the ground. James was panicking; he could hear the blood thumping in his ears; he could taste bile. He had to run - but he couldn't leave Snape.
He darted forward and grabbed on of Snape's arms. He pulled it round his shoulder and then, adrenaline coursing through him, pulled both himself and Snape upright. He ran, dragging Snape, along the tunnel. He heard the wolf howl again but he was nearly there - another howl, much closer - he pushed Snape out through the opening and then squeezed out himself, before letting go of his burden and throwing himself dazedly on the ground, half- sobbing with the sudden departure of fear. He'd made it, he'd reached the way out of that underground hell, almost a tomb.
He had spent the evening sitting in a remote classroom alone, looking at the stars. Beneath his careless exterior, he was really intrigued and captivated by them and would happily read astronomy books for hours. Only in private though: he had the reputation for being effortlessly brainy and too cool for studying to maintain. Remus was the only one who ever really saw this hidden side of him - James and Sirius may have been best friends, but in a way that put more pressure on Sirius to 'perform'. He didn't have to perform for Remus.
James woke up first. He woke the others by singing loudly as he got dressed: 'Love Potion' by the Whizbees. James was a boy of many talents, but singing wasn't one of them. For a few minutes, things seemed back to normal as Wormtail, Padfoot and Moony teased Prongs and pelted him with pillows. However, the moment passed, and as the four walked down to breakfast things felt very awkward. Sirius wasn't speaking at all, peter wouldn't shut up about Joanne, and James and Remus were unusually uproarious. Their good spirits seemed brittle and false though, to cover up the gaps left by Sirius's silence. All four were thankful when they finished eating and split up for lessons. Remus had Herbology, James Care of Magical Creatures, Sirius Astronomy and Peter a free period as he was taking fewer OWLs than his friends.
Remus's relief at leaving his friends was short-lived when he remembered Severus Snape would be in his Herbology lesson. He walked as slowly as he could, arriving late, and slipped into a seat at the front without catching anyone's eye. Thankfully the lesson was all theory, and he sat making diligent notes about Mediterranean water plants and their properties he looked as though he was concentrating hard on what Professor Applebaum was saying, but he was writing on autopilot. Rereading his notes later on, he couldn't remember writing a word.
Eventually the bell rang. He packed his quill, parchment and books slowly away, his mind elsewhere. He was brought rudely back to the present by someone saying his name.
'Remus,' his head jerked up. Severus Snape was standing a few feet away from him. Apart form them, the classroom was empty.
'Remus, er, do you have a free now?' Snape asked.
Remus nodded.
'I need to talk to you,' Snape said hoarsely. Behind a curtain of hair, haunted black eyes were piercing into Remus's consciousness. He didn't want to have this conversation, but knew it was inevitable.
'I'm - I'm sorry about - last night. I can understand if you don't ever want to talk to me again. I shouldn't have done what I did, I know. I suddenly couldn't help myself. Sorry.'
'It's okay Severus,' Remus said gently. 'I don't mind.'
The look of sudden joy on Snape's face was almost pitiful. It seemed like a barrier had been removed, and before Remus could continue, to say what he had to, Snape began to talk.
'Remus, I knew it, I knew that you wouldn't mind, I mean, you wouldn't hate me, so I have something to tell you. I love you Remus Lupin and I don't care what anyone thinks. I've never met anyone like you. I'd do anything for you, anything at all. I think you're beautiful and just perfect, perfect,' Snape's voice trembled as he made his confession.
Remus just stood and stared. Finally he spoke.
'I'm sorry Severus. But I don't love you as anything except a friend. I can't - do this-' He ran out of the room, tears running down his face. Severus stood in the deserted room and wept; quiet, dignified.
Remus raced to the nearest boys' toilets. He locked himself in a cubicle and admonished himself in a furious whisper.
'What on earth do you thingk you're doing, running away from him like that? He's got courage you can't even imagine, and you a bloody Gryffindor. You don't even deserve to be here. You certainly don't deserve to have someone feel like that about you.' He carried on muttering to himself, not hearing the door open.
As soon as he opened the door, Sirius Black could hear the voice of the one he loved. Remus sounded angry and upset, but at who? There was no one else in here. He cleared his throat to warn Remus of his presence. The muttering stopped dead.
'Er, Sir?' a disembodied voice asked.
'Yeah, 's me,' Sirius replied. Shit. Alone with Remus.
'Sir, I have to talk to someone - about Snape - please?'
'Okay, let me in.'
The door swung open. Remus was standing there. His face was pale, his eyes red and his hair wild from his habit of digging his hands in it and pulling whenever he was agitated.
Sirius immediately forgot his confusions and fears, and just grabbed Remus, hugging him. The smaller boy collapsed into Sirius's arms for a few seconds before he pulled himself together and drew back from his friend.
'Why are you crying Re? Who made you cry? Was it Snape - is this his fault?' Sirius demanded furiously.
'I'm just being pathetic,' Remus said, trying to return to his usual sensible self.
Sirius shook his head. 'No Re, I doubt it. Tell me.'
'Severus told me - he said he loved me.' Remus wouldn't meet Sirius's eyes.
'He didn't - force you - to do anything - did he? Hurt you?'
'Nope. Just said he - well, said that.'
'But why are you crying? I mean - someone loving you - that's nice, isn't it? Even if it is Snape.'
'No Sir, it's not that. It's just -' Remus seemed to be struggling to make a decision. He lifted his strange golden eyes and saw Sirius looking at him. In that moment, he knew he could trust his friend.
'I'm jealous. Of Severus. He's in love - and he's done something about it. He's brave enough to let me know everything. He just told me what he'sfeeling - was honest.' Sirius felt as if he himself was being criticised for his secrecy before Remus said, 'I wish I was brave enough to tell the person I love how I feel. But no, not me. Too scared. You're the first I've told.'
Sirius felt as though he was freefalling.
'Who - who is it?' he gasped.
The gold of Remus's eyes grew misty and frustrated tears filled his eyes. 'I can't do it. I'm sorry Sir. I shouldn't be a Gryffindor. Sometimes - sometimes I just wish I was dead.'
'oh, God, Remus - oh God-' Sirius stammered inarticulately.
'I do Sirius. And Severus has made it even clearer why - why I hate myself. It's not the wolf. It's the inability to do - what I should. That person - they deserve to know how I feel - I'm lying to them by not telling them.'
'Why can't you tell them? You've told me - I mean, it's not Lily is it?' Remus shook his head. 'Well then, who? Who could be so bad that you can't even tell me?'
'Please don't ask Sir. I don't want to talk about this anymore.'
Sirius got up wordlessly and went out of the cubicle. Remus followed and watched what he was doing, confused for the first few seconds before being overcome with gratitude and - what else?
Sirius was using his considerable Transfiguration ability. He turned two toilet rolls into big earthenware mugs, and then a couple of bars of soap into teabags, before shooting boiling water from the end of his wand into firs tone mug, then the other. He fished out the teabags gingerly with his wand before transfiguring them into little Muggle plastic pots of milk which he emptied into the mugs. Then he handed one of the mugs to Remus and picked one up himself.
'You don't drink tea,' Remus stated.
'Well, you like it, so it must be worth a try,' Sirius said half-seriously. He took a sip but grimaced as he swallowed quickly and hung his tongue out of his mouth, panting 'hot, hot!'
Remus laughed at him. 'Put your tongue away Padfoot!'
Sirius grinned back. 'Well, Moony loony loopy Lupin,' he teased, earning himself the amusing sight of Remus swiping at him as he dodged the blows. 'What do you want to do in our free Re? Free Re Re freemee Remy free. hehe,'
Remus rolled his eyes. 'I don't know Sirius. Oh -' his face fell. 'I have to see Severus. I'm sorry. He deserves any apology.'
Sirius wasn't about to argue with Remus and his friend's strict sense of decency, even though he personally felt the only things Snape deserved were ritual public humiliation and a smack in the chops.
'I'll come Re, wait a little way away, and then we can go off somewhere afterwards.'
Remus looked dubious but acquiesced. He quickly washed the dried tears off his face with icy water, which made his cheeks glow pink. He turned to Sirius, shaking his dishevelled hair back, wiping his face on his robes. Sirius felt his heart constrict but desperately held onto his composure.
'Ready - let's get this over,' Remus said briskly.
They walked quickly back to the Herbology room. Sirius carried on walking a little way, and turned a corner.
'Right,' Remus said. He breathed in shakily and walked in through the open door. Severus Snape was still standing in there. His eyes were closed.
'Er - Severus?'
his eyes snapped open, big black eyes. The pupils blended into the iris completely which added to Snape's striking appearance.
'Remus,' he said pleadingly.
'Severus, I'm sorry. I shouldn't've run off. And I'm sorry. I don't love you. I wish I did. But I don't -'
Severus let out a quiet wailing moan. He sounded as though he was in terrible pain. He moaned again and broke into tears. Remus sprang forward and was hugging him before he knew it himself.
'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please don't do that Severus, I'm sorry -'
Severus detached himself with dignity.
'We aren't so different, Remus Lupin. We're both hiding things. one day I'll know you properly. I'll know where it is you go when you disappear. I want to know everything about you, your life.'
Remus shivered, though the room was not cold.
'I could see love in you, shining out of you, and as much as I hoped, I knew it wasn't for me. I know who it is Remus. And I know we have something else in common - some sort of unnatural - attraction - to males, instead of females. Yes? You don't bother denying it.
'I can't deny, Remus Lupin, that I've become obsessed with you,' Snape continued, his strange eyes wide and staring with fanaticism. 'I find the idea of you in Black's possession, in his arms, very difficult to take. But I know that, honest and brave you may be, you wouldn't tell him and risk losing him. So I suppose you'll be alone. Like me - like me.' He turned and walked out of the room.
Remus's legs were shaking. He pulled out a chair and sat carefully down. "How does he know about Sirius? And why does he want to know about me? What's he going to do?" he thought confusedly.
Snape stalked down the corridor. His mind was distracted; he didn't see Sirius Black at all. A rough voice interrupted his reverie and he immediately tried to erect the Snape mask of scornful indifference.
'What are you doing to my Remus, Snape? You made him cry - I won't have it! I won't! How dare you kiss him, sully his mouth with your vile lips? How could you ever think you'd get him for your own? I'd rather kill you than let you hurt him -' To his utter surprise Snape was weeping.
'Shut the fuck up Snivellus! St-stop crying!'
Snape was regarding him with more than the usual loathing as tears rolled down his cheeks, but there was something else there - jealousy? Pity?
'He'll never be yours, Black,' he whispered.
Something inside Sirius snapped. He was about to pull out his wand and - do what? He didn't know - when a poisonous idea crept into his mind.
'Oh Severus, Severus - there's so much about my Remus that you don't know and he'd never tell you. He disappears a lot, wouldn't you say? Haven't you ever wondered where to - why? Of course you have. And, Severus, I'm going to give you a helping hand on how to find out.
'Tonight, go down to the Whomping Willow. Pick up a long stick, use it to poke a knot under the thickest branch. It will stop moving for a few moments. At the base of the tree there is an opening to a tunnel underground. Just follow the tunnel. Remus is as the end of it.'
Snape looked at him with suspicious hatred before running off somewhere. Sirius didn't care. He headed back to find his friend.
He went into the Herbology classroom.
'Re, Remus, what's the matter? It's okay Re.'
He slipped an arm around his trembling friend and hugged him gently, steadfastly ignoring the murmurings of desire that this contact provoked in him. They stayed like that for a long time, Remus slumped in the tall chair and Sirius next to him, holding him as if by his embrace he could squeeze out all the pain and hurt.
'What did he say to you?'
'He said we were the same. he knew things, things I'd never told anyone. How did he know? And he said - God, he said he was - obsessed - with me. With me! And that he wanted to know all about me.'
Sirius's face worse a strange look of satisfaction, but Remus was too shocked to notice. Sirius just held his friend tightly and they sat like that, Remus shaking and Sirius silently holding him, until the bell went for the next lesson.
The rest of the day passed fairly uneventfully. Remus was very quiet and thoughtful, but then he was often was, so nobody apart from Sirius really noticed. Sirius was quiet too, but Peter would never have dared to say anything and James assumed it was to do with his confession the previous night so tactfully avoided commenting on the subject.
At dinner, they sat together as usual but there was none of the usual banter between Sirius and James. No one spoke a lot.
After dinner Remus went up to the dormitory to change into warm robes before going to the infirmary to be escorted to the Whomping Willow by Madam Pomfrey. Unknown to anyone, Severus Snape watched him walk across the school grounds with her from a tower at the front of the castle.
Snape was surprised. He had dismissed Black's mysterious suggestion as yet another prank but as he saw the two figures disappear into the gloom he made up his mind. He had to follow Remus.
Meanwhile Sirius was sitting in the Gryffindor common room with James and Peter, who were chatting about some essay they had been set by Professor Flitwick. Sirius wasn't listening at all. He was curled up like a spring in a big red armchair, staring glassy-eyed at the moon. Peter kept shooting him quizzical looks, which he was oblivious to, but James subtly kept the small chubby boy's attention away from Sirius for the most part. He wouldn't really have known why he was doing that if someone had asked him, but he vaguely felt that now would not be a good time for someone to irritate Sirius.
The time dragged by; the evening to Sirius seemed interminable. He couldn't get Snape's words out of his head, and his vivid imagination was conjuring up possible versions of events to come.
By seven, he couldn't bear it any longer.
'When are we going down?' he asked abruptly.
James and Peter both stared.
'Er - in about an hour it'll be moonrise - so give it three quarters of an hour?' James said.
Sirius nodded brusquely. After a few moments, James started up another conversation with Peter. They talked for a few minutes before Sirius interrupted.
'James, I need to talk to you.'
James's eyes were wide with surprise and his black hair stood up comically.
'Right now?'
'Yeah.'
Sirius leaped to his feet like a Bludger being released and all but ran out of the room. James followed a bit more slowly. They went up the stairs and into their dormitory.
Sirius waited for James to come in before he shut the door and leaned against it, readying himself to speak. But before he could begin, James started to talk.
'Sirius, you know I know why you've been acting weird all day. This is about Moony, isn't it? The Moony and Snape thing. But really, I know you have nothing to be jealous of. Moony would never - well, I mean, Snape! God, no!' he laughed.
Sirius looked at him dully.
'It's to do with that Jamie, yeah. But I've done something really stupid. I've told Snape.'
'You told Snape what? What do you - oh God. Sirius. You didn't tell him about - Moony?'
Sirius looked the picture of suffering.
'James, I told him how to get past the willow into the tunnel.'
James opened his mouth to speak before he had fully comprehended what Sirius had said. As the realisation sank in, he went pale. He stood motionless for a second.
'Right, I think we need to get Dumbledore. We're not going to be able to persuade Snape not to go and find Remus - maybe we could Stun him? But no, he could still tell people afterwards. No. We have to get Dumbledore. Come on Sirius, you can explain later.'
He rushed out of the room, pausing only to grab Peter who was nodding sleepily by the common room fire. The three boys were running at full speed down the stairs to the staff area when they suddenly collided with an invisible barrier at the bottom.
James jumped up and looked wildly around for the culprit. He heard cruel laughter and wheeled around. At the tope of the stairs was Lucius Malfoy and a little gang of Slytherins. Snape was conspicuously absent. His magic skills were in demand amongst his fellow house members although they ridiculed him mercilessly behind his back for his many peculiarities.
'For fuck's sake, Malfoy!' James yelled.
'Swearing, Potter?' came a cold voice behind him. There was a tall gaunt man standing there.
'Professor Mondaugen.' James trailed off. Normally he would have been as rude as he liked to the Slytherin housemaster, but he just wanted to get away as quickly as possible. He saw a slow smile spread across Mondaugen's face as the man sensed his urgency and groaned inwardly. The professor looked like a cat about to play with the mice it had caught. He decided to try honesty.
'Please professor, I did swear and you can deduct as many points from me as you like, but I have somewhere I really really need to go and -'
'Oh Potter, really? Well. I don't want to deduct points. I want to give you a detention, I think, right now -'
'Damn it, no! We have to go somewhere!' Sirius shouted. Then his heart sank as James glared at him. Now he'd fallen for Mondaugen's infuriating techniques for getting his least favourite students in trouble.
'Please, Professor, we'll do double detention tomorrow,' James pleaded.
Mondaugen shook his head.
'I think not. And seeing as Mister Black cannot control his impatience either, I think he had better join you.'
Peter looked completely bewildered by the events which were rapidly unfolding before his eyes. He had no idea why he was running: James had told him to and that was enough for him. And now Mondaugen had caught them all and didn't seem prepared to let them go.
'James -' he started but was cut off by Mondaugen's silky tones.
'Ah, Mister Pettigrew. I think that as you three were obviously up to no good, you can join Black and Potter. Come.' He stalked off, away from the staff rooms and Sirius and James followed with Peter dragging his heels at the rear. James was so fidgety and impatient that Peter wondered whether Malfoy had cast the Seven Year Itch hex on him.
'Sirius,' James hissed between his teeth, 'we can't do this; we have to get away. If we don't stop Moony meeting Snape.' he shuddered and then screwed up his forehead, trying to think.
Sirius, meanwhile, had gone almost grey. The true horror of what he might have done had become fully apparent to him. "I could have made Remus a murderer" was almost the only thought in his mind. "He could go to Azkaban." As James agitated beside him, his face became set. He shifted on of his hands to the pocket where he kept his wand.
Mondaugen led the boys down into the dungeons of the castle, to the Ancient Runes classroom where he taught. The room was very dark, lit only by a few flickering torches on the walls. Dust lay thick around them and on the shelves of archaic pieces of parchment which were piled high.
'Right, gentlemen. Your punishment. You must sort all of these rune charts into date order, starting with the most recent. No magic, no talking. And every one you get wrong I will make you translate.'
'Professor Mondaugen,' Sirius began, 'can I do this tomorrow night?'
'No you most certainly may not,' the teacher replied snappishly.
Sirius's arm moved so quickly it was just a black blur. A purple bolt of light shot across the room and hit Mondaugen squarely in the chest. He slumped against the wall he was stood next to before sliding slowly down, unconscious.
Peter was flabbergasted.
'What - what - why?' he stammered. But James and Sirius were already dashing out of the classroom.
James called back over his shoulder, 'Snape knows about Moony - get Dumbledore - Whomping Willow!' They raced away down the corridor and Peter trotted back to the staff area, finally understanding his friends' urgency.
James and Sirius ran straight out of the castle and down the grassy slope towards the Whomping Willow. Night had already fallen and the full moon had risen with austere beauty in the black sky. For a second Sirius though about Remus - how he would have been confused and upset that none of his friends had come for his transformation and how even now a big grey wolf with amber eyes would be clawing and biting at itself in the Shrieking Shack. He gave a dry sob but carried on running.
The two boys finally reached the willow which was flailing its branches wildly. There was no sign of Snape. Sirius and James ground to a halt just outside the willow's range. They looked at it, then at each other.
'Right,' Sirius said as if he was going to say something else, but then stopped. Then without warning he dashed forward amongst the moving branches which battered him angrily. He managed to get to the freezing knot though, and pressed it.
In the split second before the Whomping Willow froze, the tree's largest branch swooped down and hit Sirius viciously across his head. He crumpled and fell as if in slow motion.
'Sirius!' James yelled. He ran over to his friend. He could see he was still breathing and he made an instant decision - he had to leave Sirius lying on the ground beneath the willow and try to find Snape alone.
He found the entrance to the tunnel without difficulty and wriggled down through it. He lit up his wand and found himself in a familiar earth tunnel with roots protruding through the sloping roof and walls. Above him he could hear the Whomping Willow creaking back into action, and some distance away he could hear movements. Then, quite distinctly, he heard a howl. He jumped, and then took to his heels, racing down the tunnel yelling 'Snape!' as loudly as he could.
A shadowy figure hove into his vision and he raced up to Snape, who had turned to see who was shouting his name.
'Potter? What are you doing here?' Snape asked, too shocked to be sarcastic.
'Come on, quick, we have to get out,' James panted.
'Why? I've come here to find Lupin and I'm not going without him,' Snape said stubbornly.
'No really, come on quick, Snape please just listen to me.'
'And why should I do that?' Snape snapped.
He turned and continued walking along the tunnel. Then he froze. There was a shadow moving away down the tunnel.
'A - a dog?' Snape said aloud. He walked a bit further.
James heard Snape's voice though he didn't hear the words in the sound- deadening tunnel. He peered into the gloom and what he saw up ahead made his heart beat wildly. His knees nearly gave way but he knew what he had to do.
'Snape,' he called urgently, 'Snape, it's a werewolf. Remus is a werewolf.'
Snape stopped dead. A million emotions rushed through him and he stood as if bolted to the ground. Then he fell slowly to the ground. James was panicking; he could hear the blood thumping in his ears; he could taste bile. He had to run - but he couldn't leave Snape.
He darted forward and grabbed on of Snape's arms. He pulled it round his shoulder and then, adrenaline coursing through him, pulled both himself and Snape upright. He ran, dragging Snape, along the tunnel. He heard the wolf howl again but he was nearly there - another howl, much closer - he pushed Snape out through the opening and then squeezed out himself, before letting go of his burden and throwing himself dazedly on the ground, half- sobbing with the sudden departure of fear. He'd made it, he'd reached the way out of that underground hell, almost a tomb.