After a couple of seconds, he realised the branches above him were still.
He quickly sat bolt upright, making himself giddy, and looked wildly around
before relief flooded through him. Professor Dumbledore, with Peter behind
him, was standing a few metres away. Both were breathing heavily. Sirius
was still lying at the foot of the Willow, and Snape was lying twisted on
the ground where James had all but dropped him.
'James?' Dumbledore only said his name, but James knew it was a question. He shook his head.
'Remus didn't get either of us, Professor. He's just a bit - shocked.'
At that, Madam Pomfrey came hurrying across the lawn. She gave a cry at seeing the two prone bodies, and cast a quick glance at Dumbledore.
'No Poppy, not - that,' he said. 'Mister Black has been hit by the Whomping Willow and Mister Snape is a little overwrought.'
He conjured two stretchers out of the air and gently moved Sirius and Snape onto them. Then they all walked up to the castle, Dumbledore first, controlling the two stretchers, then James supported by Madam Pomfrey, and finally Peter.
The two unconscious boys were taken to the Infirmary, and the watchful care of Madam Pomfrey. Peter was sent back to the common room, but instead waited cross-legged in the corridor outside the entrance to Dumbledore's office as James talked to the headmaster.
'James, I would like to thank you. Your courage and quick thinking rescued an otherwise potentially fatal situation. Severus has you to thank for his life. However, I don't suppose you will be expecting any thanks.
'Severus is a very proud boy, James. He hates you, I know you know his, and he envies you too. It was only desperation that conquered his pride enough to make him follow Sirius's instructions - I admit, I do not know why he was so desperate, but I think you do. You do not have to tell me, but be assured, whatever it is, I would not be angry at you or at Severus.
'But then, I think Sirius was driven by desperation to do what he did too - betray a great friend of his. I do not understand why.'
Dumbledore shook his white head and suddenly looked very sad. James was overcome with the desire to confide in him.
'Professor, there has been a bit of - weird stuff - going on in the last few days. Remus told me that, well, that Snape had, er, kissed him. And, um, Sirius told me that, er, he loves Remus. not in a 'friends' way.' James watched Dumbledore warily for his response.
Dumbledore just smiled sadly.
'Love, then. Both love Remus. That makes sense. And Remus - is there anyone he loves do you think - either of those two, or someone else?'
'I don't know, Professor. no, I do, I think. He said he wouldn't be able to, um, do anything with Snape, because he didn't feel the same way, and it seemed to me like he was hiding something.'
'So it is not poor Severus. Ah well, thank you for all your help Mister Potter. I think perhaps I had better talk to Severus and Sirius. Oh, out of curiosity - how did you react to your best friend telling you he was in love with your other best friend?'
James blushed even more than he already was at this casual discussion of his friends' peculiarities. 'I was rude at first - and cruel. Very cruel. But then I went away and thought about - about, well, Lily Evans - and then I realised you can't choose who you fall in love with, and you don't fall in love on purpose. It hurts Sirius so much, I think, and I just felt sorry for him. And I knew it didn't make a difference to us being friends so things are okay now.'
Dumbledore nodded. 'Thank you James. Please don't tell anyone about everything that has been going on tonight, and ask Peter to do the same. You acted maturely and selflessly tonight, and I am very proud of you, and grateful too. So thank you again.'
James left the room quickly and walked to the Gryffindor dormitory where he and Peter sat talking sombrely until late that night.
*****
Dumbledore stood up and squared his shoulders. He knew that had been the easiest part. James Potter was a sensible, well-adjusted, levelheaded boy at heart, just prone to mischief, whereas Sirius and Severus had, it seemed, both had their lives turned upside down by the same person - quiet, well-behaved, polite Remus Lupin. Dumbledore smiled at the thought of the sweet intelligent boy, but then as always his thoughts turned to the horrible burden that Remus bore with such stoicism.
Leaving his office, he walked swiftly towards the Infirmary wing. He looked daunting, his face serious and his black robes swishing about his ankles, but he was simply lost in thought on how best to handle this situation. He knew that there was very little possibility of a good outcome. Severus's wounded pride and thwarted love would not allow it. But how would Sirius be, he wondered.
He reached the Infirmary door and paused momentarily before speaking the password and entering the ward. On one white bed, Severus Snape was lying flat on his back. His eyes were open and staring and he was completely motionless. On seeing Dumbledore, he just stared at him with an expression of hurt, misery and loathing intermingled uncomfortably.
At the other end of the room, Sirius Black was pacing restlessly, muttering angrily. He seemed not to notice Dumbledore until the headmaster walked up to him and laid a calming hand on his shoulder; then he cast a haunted look at him, his black eyes wide and frightened.
At that moment, Madam Pomfrey bustled in.
'Ah, you got him to stop,' she said gratefully to Dumbledore. 'He's just been walking and talking like that ever since we got here and he woke up. I've been worried. And about Severus too. Hasn't moved or said a word. Just looks.'
Dumbledore patted her shoulder.
'Poppy, I'm going to speak to the boys now. Don't worry; I'll take care of them.'
Madam Pomfrey smiled but her concern was clear.
'Be gentle with them, Albus.'
Then she turned and walked briskly from the room.
'Sirius, would you like to sit down? You too, Severus.' He gestured towards three chairs in a triangle next to a blazing lilac fire.
Sirius wordlessly and instantly obeyed. He sat and twisted his fingers nervously, painful to watch. Then he clenched one fist and bit the nails on his other hand distractedly.
Snape, meanwhile, was still lying prone. Dumbledore walked over to him and took his hand kindly.
'Come, Severus, I need to talk to you.'
Then Snape suffered himself to be led to a chair which he perched on the edge of. Dumbledore sat in the third chair. He thought for a moment before speaking.
'Sirius, it was you, was it not, who told Severus how the Whomping Willow could be stilled and the tunnel beneath it found?' Sirius stared at him, his eyes still haunted and huge in his white face. "How alike these boys look," Dumbledore thought briefly before continuing. 'Why did you do this thing?'
'Snape wanted to follow Remus,' he said tonelessly.
'But you surely knew that by telling him this, you would let Remus's secret into the open - and you could have caused serious injury to Severus.'
'Yes.'
'So why did you still do it?'
'He made Remus cry. He made him feel - cowardly. And alone. And he told me -' Sirius broke off suddenly.
'What did he tell you, Sirius?'
Sirius closed his eyes and dropped his head into his hands. In a muffled voice he said, 'He told me that Remus would - that he'd never love me back. I love Remus, Professor Dumbledore. I love him.'
Dumbledore smiled faintly at the intensity and passion in the boy's voice, but then remembered the near tragedy this love had provoked.
'You love Remus - but by doing this you've hurt him, Sirius.'
'I know,' Sirius moaned. His voice was dull with sorrow. 'I just - didn't think. That's not an excuse. There is no excuse. I was - I was jealous of Snape.'
Snape's eyes grew big and he stared at Sirius.
'Remus was jealous of him too. We both felt - weak - and pathetic. Snape made us feel like that. because he was honest to Remus about his feelings about him. But I was - I am - to much of a coward, too scared of Remus's reaction to tell him I love him.'
'That is understandable, Sirius. But Severus. Have you got anything to say about that?'
Severus seemed finally to snap out of his reverie.
'Yes,' he hissed, 'if I'd have known Lupin is - is a monster,' Dumbledore quelled Sirius with one glance, 'then I'd never have fucking loved him. I'd never have fucking kissed him. And Black is a sick bastard, he'd have got his werewolf to murder me. What have a I done to deserve this? What? What? Tell me Black!' he shouted, jumping to his feet. 'Why do you victimise me? Why do you hate me? It's because you were jealous that Lupin and I - we had a connection - a thought that repulses me now. But we did, and you know it! I know things about him that you'll never know. but you're welcome to him. Take him. He's yours. I want nothing more to do with him. He probably knew about this all along! Probably thought it was a funny joke - turn stupid lovefool Snape into the beast he is! You and Potter and Lupin, all in this together!' Then he stopped his vituperative ranting and said softly, venomously, 'You should go to Azkaban for this, Black. You deserve to be in Azkaban. And that - thing - should join you there.'
No calming glance form Dumbledore could stop Sirius from flinging himself on Snape.
'You bastard!' he screamed, 'Remus is worth a million of you, you heartless bastard! How can you call him that?'
'Sirius Black!' Dumbledore thundered.
Sirius let go of Snape and moved away.
'Sirius, you will wait for me outside. I wish to talk to Severus.'
Sirius obeyed wordlessly.
As the door closed, Dumbledore turned to Snape.
'Severus, I need you to promise not to tell the other students about Remus.'
'And if I refuse?'
'Then you will give me no option but to expel you for such wilful lies. I am sorry, Severus. I do not wish to make such threats to you, but I have to protect Remus. None of this is his fault.'
'He was probably in on the joke!'
'No, Severus,' Dumbledore said quickly. 'I am sure he was not. And this was no joke. You've heard Sirius's reasons for acting the way he did. He said himself that there was no excuse, but he had a reason. Severus, I don't know what to say to you, and I fear that no matter what I say, you will punish Remus for something that is not his fault.'
'Professor Dumbledore,' Snape said, his voice trembling and pulsing with emotion, 'Remus Lupin is a danger to people! What if Black decides to murder someone else?'
'Severus, I truly believe that Sirius wasn't trying to kill you, although I understand why it looks that way. But I think he has realised the enormity of what he did now. I think when he talks to Remus he'll realise even more. Being friends with someone - caring for someone - who is a werewolf brings responsibilities. Remus the wolf is not tame - can never be tame.'
'Remus - the wolf,' Snape repeated and shuddered - but from what. Unbeknownst to Dumbledore, at that moment Snape pledged to be the one who would tame the wolf. His love for the werewolf was hidden under fear, misunderstanding and hate, and would remain so, but it drove his main ambition from that day on - to find a way to overcome Lupin's lycanthropia and put Lupin in his debt. But nobody would know for several decades. Snape was secretive by nature, and without Remus had no one to confide in.
Dumbledore looked contemplatively into the fire.
'So I trust you will remain silent?'
'I have no choice, so I shall.'
'Thank you Severus.'
'As I say, I have no choice. Now Professor, if you will excuse me - I have things to do -' Snape said. He stood up, his haughty dignity impeded by the bright tears glistening in his black eyes and his trembling lips.
Dumbledore was moved with pity such as he only felt when visiting Remus after his transformations.
He wanted to beg Severus not to ostracise Lupin, although he knew he would. But he felt as if some momentous choice, some hugely influential event, had subtly altered the course of Severus Snape's life. He feared for him.
Snape stalked out of the room. He tried to ignore the presence of Sirius, but couldn't ignore a beseeching hand tugging at his sleeve.
'Snape, I know you hate me, and I don't care, but don't blame Remus. None of this is his fault. As if he could do anything like this - you know he couldn't. You love him too.'
'I do not love the werewolf, Black. Remus Lupin is someone I don't know at all, that much is plain to me. And yes, I do hate you, but I hate Potter more. He rescued me when I'd rather have died. At least you showed me the truth about Lupin.'
Sirius didn't know what to say. He stood stock still, his hand still clinging pathetically to Snape's sleeve. Snape extricated himself roughly.
'For fuck's sake Black, how blind can you be? Remus doesn't want me because he wants you instead. How can you not see it?'
He took to his heels and fled. The next time Sirius saw him, and every time after that, he was twisted, viciously sardonic. He appeared to despise everyone. Sirius never understood what motivated him towards that last altruistic gesture, but he could never forget it. He could never forgive it either, that he owed so much to Snape.
At that moment in the corridor, though, Sirius had no inkling of anything to come. He only knew that, suddenly, like a little seed being planted or a melody played one-fingered in a piano, at the back of his mind was hope of something huge and beautiful.
He tried to shrug it off as a final sick salute from someone who loathed him beyond words, but couldn't quite. Circumstances from the past rose unbidden in his mind: certain looks exchanged by he and Remus, certain touches, shared jokes. Blushes on Remus's pale cheeks for seemingly no reason. Ambiguous words muttered in Remus's never-quiet sleep. Smiles. Tears. They all rushed over him and he couldn't stop the deluge.
Remus loves him!
Or loved him, he thought suddenly. What have you done, Sirius?
At that moment, the Infirmary door opened and Dumbledore appeared.
'Please come in, Sirius.'
He followed mutely.
They sat down in the chairs they had previously occupied.
'Sirius, I have to tell you now that I think Severus will never forgive you, not only for exposing him to danger but for disillusioning him about Remus. However unfairly, he blames you indirectly for Remus being a werewolf since it was through you that he found out, and realised he didn't know Remus as well as he thought. I'm sure you understand this.
'I'm not going to punish you, Sirius. There's no punishment I can inflict that will be a hundredth, a thousandth, as terrible as your conscience and the knowledge of how you harmed your - friend. You know this. Punishment would be inadequate and, I think, trivial.'
As Dumbledore looked at Sirius, he knew he was right.
'Severus will be keeping Remus's condition to himself, although he did not want to.
'I don't really know what to say to you Sirius. I don't need to tell you of my disappointment and regret. You have hurt Severus deeply, in a different way to that which he could have been hurt, but nonetheless he is devastated.
'I just have one thing to say - well, to ask you. It is this. Tomorrow morning, when Remus is awake, do you wish to tell him what has happened or shall I?'
There was a big pause then, as Sirius's courage did battle with fear and reluctance. He knew that very soon Remus would know things which might change his feelings dramatically. "But you know what you have to do," his subconscious insisted.
'I'll tell him, Professor.'
Dumbledore's face broke into an unexpected smile.
'I thought you would. Courage, Mister Black. This will be difficult beyond anything you have imagined, but perhaps it will change things in ways none of us can see.'
Sirius briefly considered talking to Dumbledore about Snape's parting shot but decided against it. He didn't think he could stand to talk about Remus and love, when in a few short hours he might be destroying anything Remus ever felt for him.
'Thank you Professor,' he said sincerely.
Dumbledore smiled again.
'I feel this is a lesson very well learned. But Sirius -' Sirius looked attentive, 'be patient.'
Sirius smiled, a pale sad echo of his lopsided grin, but a smile anyway. Then he trailed up to the Gryffindor dormitory, where he found James and Peter had tactfully made themselves scarce.
At first his thoughts were filled with imaginings of the horrors that might have been. Sirius had a vivid ad impressionable mind, and he wept helplessly for a while before thinking over the things Snape and Dumbledore had said. Eventually, he allowed himself to think of Remus, and the possibility of him feeling for Sirius what Sirius himself felt for Remus. He'd saved the thought up, like saving the horseradish Every Flavour Beans for last, and now he enjoyed it.
For a while he just imagined scenarios in his head, involving heart to hearts with Remus in which the werewolf got angry, quickly calmed down and then professed undying love and kissed him.
Thoughts of love and kisses soon banished the dark horrors of earlier. With the thought of a wet tongue trailing along his lips, his neck, gentle nibbles and soft butterfly kisses, Sirius got hot and excited.
He felt it was vaguely wrong to feel that way after all that had been going on, but he couldn't help himself. He slid one urgent hand down his stomach and grasped himself firmly, letting out a little moan. As he pleasured himself rhythmically, delicious arousing images flashed in his mind. He came quickly, gasping 'Moony', his mind full of the werewolf.
Sirius woke at dawn the next day. The first tentative fronds of light were creeping through a gap in the curtains and across the wooden floor. He quickly got out of bed, threw on his robes and raced across the school to the Infirmary.
*****
At the Infirmary door, he met Madam Pomfrey escorting a very wan and ill- looking Remus inside.
'Sirius,' Remus rasped. He said no more, but his eyes were full of questions and fear as well as physical pain.
"Of course," Sirius thought, "he must have sensed Snape in the tunnel - ad he knew that Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail weren't there as usual."
His stomach felt heavy with dread. Bile rose in his throat. How was he going to tell Remus that he had betrayed him?
He trailed into the Infirmary after Madam Pomfrey. She gently helped Remus to lie down, covered in the blanket he had been wearing wrapped around himself.
'Remus, pet, I'm going to get some from the other room. I'll be back soon. Call if you need me,' she said, shooting a tender glance at the exhausted werewolf.
As the door shut behind her, Remus tried to sit up. His arms shook wildly as he endeavoured to support himself, but he couldn't manage. Gently Sirius helped him so that he was sitting, leaning against the iron bedstead. Sirius grabbed a pillow off a neighbouring bed and, helping Remus to lean forward, positioned it behind his back so he was more comfortable.
'Thank you,' Remus said politely. Then came silence. Then he said, 'You know who was in the tunnel last night. You know why. Tell me - tell me what happened? I - I didn't - hurt anyone, did I?'
Sirius shook his head slowly. The relief was plain on Remus's pointed pale face. He hated the fact that he was going to have to destroy that relief.
'Re - someone was in the tunnel, you know that I know - it was Snape - and James.'
Remus drew a sharp inward breath.
'Severus? And James?'
'Severus got in, and James went in afterwards to save him.'
'But - how? Why?'
This was it.
'I told him he'd find you there.'
Sirius could feel his body throbbing with his heartbeat. He held his breath.
'You told him I was there? But - why? Did you tell him I was a werewolf?'
'No I didn't. I told him - because I hated him. I didn't think about it, I didn't want him to die - James saved him. But he knows about you, he saw you. Dumbledore's spoken to him, he won't tell anyone.'
Sirius paused. He wanted to apologise, to fling himself sobbing on Remus's lap and his mercy. But he didn't even know where to start. This was too big, too serious for 'sorry'. But he had nothing else.
Remus was staring at him and Sirius felt himself blush.
'Remus, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say - there's nothing I can say. Do you want me to leave?'
Remus ignored his last question.
'I don't understand Sirius. Why did you do it? You can't hate him that much - what has he ever done to you?'
Feeling his self-control suddenly vanish, feeling beyond fear, Sirius looked him in the eye.
'I was jealous because he's braver than I think I can ever be. I was jealous of every second he spent with you. And I was scared because I thought perhaps you loved him after all.'
'What's it to you if I'm in love?' demanded Remus. 'You don't seem to mind James's infatuation with Lily Evans.'
'I'm not in love with James!' Sirius exclaimed. Then he looked horror- struck. 'Shall I go now?' he said in a small voice that was expecting outrage.
Remus nodded dazedly.
'I think it's better if you do.'
Sirius got up and walked out.
Remus Lupin sat very still and analysed Sirius's words very slowly. The facts - Sirius had played on Severus's infatuation with Remus to hurt him and so satisfy his own jealous rage against Severus which was caused by his love for Remus.
Understandably, he found it hard to swallow.
It was easier to dwell on the first bit of Sirius's bombshell. "Severus knows," he thought. "What's he going to say? He's going to think I tried to hurt him. he's going to hate me. it wasn't my fault Severus! It's not my fault that I am what I am - I am what I try to deny."
No amount of self-suppression could stop the wolf that raged constantly inside Remus, only fully escaping once a month. His thin, scarred body contained a vicious battleground upon which boy and wolf fault for dominance. Remus had felt guilty for as long as he could remember, and what he feared most of all had, it seemed, almost come to pass. He had nearly killed someone. If not for James, he would be a murderer.
He started to cry weakly. Relief. Love. Fear. Anger. He was confused and unhappy and all alone, and he didn't want to think any more. He just wanted to be free of his lycanthropia, his fears and his cowardice.
At that timely moment, Dumbledore came in.
'Oh Remus,' he said, his voice full of sympathy and regret. He drew up a chair, handed the weeping werewolf his handkerchief and patted his hand kindly before waiting for the tears to pass.
Eventually they slowed to an occasional hiccup, and Dumbledore started to speak.
'Remus, I imagine Sirius has told you about what happened last night. There is very little for me to say, apart from reassuring you that none of the whole business - Sirius's motivations, or Severus's - was your fault.
'I fear your friendship with Severus will be irrevocably damaged. He is angry, hurt and his pride is wounded. It is hard for someone as proud as Severus to accept that you did not love him back.' Remus gasped and Dumbledore continued, 'yes, I know all of that; James and Sirius and Severus told me everything. Yes, James. He knows about Sirius and Severus's feelings, although no one seems to know about yours.
'Remus, love is love. It is the oldest and deepest form of magic. No matter who you love, no matter how they feel back, love is incredibly powerful. Whether that power is used for good or evil is up to the person. The best love is strong but gentle, kind but firm. It knows how to give and how to receive. It wants to do good. Love is brave. And love is confusing, it is difficult to cope with, it is painful. But still, it is love.'
He smiled calmly. Remus couldn't smile back. He had no idea where this was going.
'Remus, I'm not going to ask you to forgive Sirius. That is entirely up to you. if you wish to talk about any of this - anything at all - then you are very welcome to come to my study. The password is "tooth-flossing stringmints".'
"Everything's got very surreal this morning," thought Remus. He felt numb; too much had happened, he didn't know what to think. And why was Dumbledore going on about love. Did he. know?
Remus was a secretive boy. He loved his best friends but there was a large part of himself that he kept hidden away - not just the wolfish part of him, although he had never tried to explain to anyone what being a werewolf was like - and he preferred to think things over himself rather than confiding. He knew Sirius found this habit of his slightly disconcerting - he would often tease Remus about 'thinking too much'. He wasn't given to rash decision-making, or fiery outbursts of temper, or sudden blurting out of ideas, but he had been stretched to breaking point by things he had been told that morning.
He was filled with a sudden rage against Sirius, Severus - yes, even Dumbledore, sitting there so calmly and understandingly.
'Why the fuck is all this happening?' he asked furiously. Dumbledore winced slightly but otherwise sat still. 'I didn't ask for any of this! Why did Severus have to go and kiss me, for fuck's sake? What the fuck did Sirius think he was fucking doing? I'm so fucking sick of being a danger to everyone I care about!' He broke off panting. He wanted to shout and say 'fuck' some more, but he didn't really know what about.
'That is understandable,' Dumbledore said quietly. 'But everything that has been going on has very little to do with you being a werewolf. Even if you were not, Severus and Sirius would both still be hurt and upset. This is about you, the person, Remus Lupin. Accept, Remus, that those two have both fallen in love with you for you, because of who, and not what, you are. It might feel like a curse, but it's a gift. They both care about you deeply.'
'I don't want it,' Remus said miserably. 'Why me?'
Dumbledore smiled.
'I know you're modest, but still. you're a handsome lad and you're kind, patient funny. It's impossible to explain or justify love, but I'm not surprised they both chose you.'
Remus blushed, hot blood rushing to his head. He was far too embarrassed to say anything. Dumbledore sensed this and, giving him a final kind smile, left the room.
Soon after, Madam Pomfrey came in carrying various bottle and jars. She gently applied healing salve to all Remus's fresh wounds, and made him drink several vile-tasting potions from ornate glass bottles. Then she gave him a glass of water and helped him to lie back down.
He lay with his eyes closed, nothing to do but think. He usually didn't mind being left alone with his thoughts, but today. all he could think, over and over again, was that he had nearly killed someone because of Sirius. He grew angrier and angrier at Sirius. "How dare he use love as an excuse? I have loved him for years. I've suffered jealousy and loneliness in silence. I didn't feel compelled to kill anyone!"
*****
The rational part of his brain reminded him insistently that he always knew he meant more to Sirius than the multitudes of girls who lined up attempting to seduce him, whereas Sirius knew that Severus meant an awful lot to him. The irritating voice of logic also reminded him that Sirius was impulsive and thoughtless by nature, and had just intended to scare Severus ("Probably scared him away," he thought sadly), and that Sirius couldn't really understand what it meant to be a werewolf.
In fact, ever complaint his anger threw up against Sirius was immediately explained away and excused by his logic - or was it simply his logic, or his inclination as well? Remus didn't know, but after about half and hour his anger had burnt itself out and resolved into a desperate need to talk to Sirius.
As he wondered what he would say, he started imagining possible scenarios in his mind. All of them involved kissing. he daydreamed a couple of hours away, just anticipating seeing Sirius. And for the first time in he couldn't remember how long, there was no answering pang of unrequited longing when he thought of Sirius. He knew he felt the same way.
Sirius was denied that luxury. He had run back to the dormitory and closed the curtains round his bed, and given himself up to despair. A little later he heard James and Peter waking up and chatting in a subdued sort of way. Then he heard the door open and close, and then James said 'Sirius?' softly.
On hearing no reply, he poked his untidy black head through the curtains.
'Are you alright?' he asked tentatively.
'I told Remus,' Sirius said dully.
'And.?'
'I accidentally told him, James.'
'Ohh. what did he say?'
'I asked him if he wanted me to leave. He said yeah. So I did.'
'Shit Sirius, I'm sorry.'
'James, I know he loved me, I know it now! But I don't know any more. Severus told me James. Snape told me Remus loved me. And now I've fucked it all up. Why couldn't I just have controlled myself?'
James looked aghast. He had no idea what to say or do, or how to deal with a suffering lovestruck Sirius.
'Are you coming to breakfast?' he managed finally.
'No.'
'Transfiguration?'
'No. I can't. McGonagall knows by now. and I'll have to see Snape. God.'
'Erm. Okay. I'll tell her - something. Don't worry Sirius. I think Remus will forgive you, y'know.'
'maybe.'
James didn't know what to say. He smiled apologetically before withdrawing and getting ready for the day, chatting to Peter when he returned. Then the two boys left the room. Everything was quiet. Sirius sat on his bed and thought.
He thought about Remus. He longed to see him. He got up off his bed and aimlessly wandered around the dormitory before finding himself in Remus's corner. His curtains were closed. Sirius drew them back, found everything was neat and tidy. Remus was a tidy person, but he always left his bed and chest of drawers in immaculate, inhuman order before his transformations.
"As if," thought Sirius with a sudden flash of inspiration, "he tries to exert as much control over things before he loses control over himself."
Sirius sat on the creaseless bed. Then he got up again, shut the curtains and laid full length on the bed, on his front, breathing in the sheer Moonyness of the smell of the pillow. "Even his bed smells of chocolate," he thought, and almost smiled.
He got up again, pulled back the covers, and laid enfolded in the coldness of the bed. It gradually got warmer as his body heat filled it and Sirius slept.
He woke a couple of hours later. He stretched his arms out and folded them sleepily under the pillow -
He was suddenly brought back to wakefulness by the cool roughness of parchment. Without thinking, he pulled it out and smoothed it, before sitting up and reading it.
"Scared to be alone, frightened of the dark, Everything's too much for a boy out of touch With his feelings. I must be to blame, I must be at fault, I believe I'm never good enough o shine a light That lingers.
I have witnessed starbursts in your coal black eyes I am what I try to deny I have seen the serpent coiling, set to strike, And love is your usual disguise.
Pleased to meet you Where you from, and what's your name?
Never came alive, never cut the cord Nothing is too much for a boy out of touch With his feelings. Worshipping the moonshine, skinning up the grapevine I don't have a plan where I'm going, I just Follow my fingers.
I will be the burning man to grace these times, I am what I try to deny I reflect the same eyes looking back at me And love is the only reply.
Pleased to meet you Where you from, and what's your name?
Sirius knew. The starbursts. The black eyes. "Shit, I really shouldn't've read that." But he read it again and again.
'Never good enough to shine a light that lingers?' he said aloud.
He gently replaced the parchment and then for the second time that day, raced down the stairs to the Infirmary. He had to see Remus.
*****
James was worrying about Sirius. Sitting in Tranfiguration, his mind was wandering away from professor McGonagall's painstaking explication of just what it took to turn a thimble into a white mouse. He did, however, notice her repeatedly staring at Severus Snape and dropping her train of thought.
He understood. However hard it had been before to imagine Snape making a declaration of love, it was a thousand times harder now. If before he had seemed cold and distant, now he was frozen as the arctic, and just as forbidding. Impossible to believe that less than 24 hours ago he had told Remus he loved him, and less than 12 hours ago he had gone blindly headfirst into danger to find out where Remus disappeared to every month.
James felt concerned for Snape, though he'd never have admitted it. Something about his demeanour said plainly that love, trust and possibly even happiness were all behind him, and all he could ever hope for was a lifetime of lonely suffering. Even in his worst enemy, James felt more sorry than he could ever have articulated. He felt sorry that everything had happened as it did because he had a feeling that whether or not Sirius and Remus found happiness, Snape never would. It gave him a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
James wondered what Sirius would say to Remus, and what Remus would do. What would he have done if Sirius had told him that he was in love with him? He was honest enough to admit that the idea made him uncomfortable. but Remus was different. He understood things, understood what it meant to be different. Looked down upon. He wondered briefly what it would look like, Sirius and Remus kissing. And what could two male lovers do? He blushed and, making an effort, concentrated on what McGonagall was saying.
Severus Snape, sitting at the front, was also concentrating. In that long, terrible night, he ad sobbed and raged and screamed in the seclusion of the remote Astronomy tower, and had not slept at all. Now his face was paler than the parchment lying before him. His black eyes were deep wells of unfathomable emotion. His hands shook and he pressed his quill hard to the parchment to stop the letters shaking as he formed them. He took almost obscene care over what he was writing, concentrating unnecessarily hard to drive every other through from his mind.
Professor McGonagall didn't think it was working. Severus reminded her of a stray kitten, perhaps - you ached to comfort him, but he would turn on you and wound you for coming too close because he thought you might be out to hurt him like everyone else. Despite dismissing that idea as fanciful nonsense, it stuck with her, all through the rest of his time at Hogwarts and even when he returned as a teacher.
*****
Sirius raced down the stairs and corridors to the Infirmary. The sight of the door sobered him up sharply.
"Now what exactly am I intending to do?" he thought. Without waiting to answer his own question, he knocked on the door.
'Come in,' in Madam Pomfrey's unmistakable Geordie accent.
He shuffled shyly in, his head down.
'Remus hinny, just shout if you want anything,' she said kindly before heading off into a side-room.
Remus was in a white nightshirt now. He'd clearly just had a bath; his hair was all fluffy and his cheeks were pink. He looked unbearably young and vulnerable. But his voice, when he spoke, seemed incongruously old.
'Why are you here?'
'To see how you are.'
'I'm fine.'
Remus was attempting to comb his hair but his arm shook from exhaustion and eventually he gave up and threw the comb on the floor. "The first irrational angry thing I've ever seen Remus do," thought Sirius.
He bent gracefully and retrieved the comb. Then, ignoring Remus's puzzled looks and defensive body language, he knelt behind him on the bed and sat back on his heels. He laid one long brown hand on the crown of Remus's head and began to gently comb his hair.
'Remus.' he began. Remus stiffened, fearing some mention of all that had been happening.
'I'd've said your hair was brown, y'know. But it's really not. It's more like goldeny coppery browny caramelly blonde. I think.' Then he blushed and stopped.
Remus was laughing.
'You certainly have a way with words, Sirius Black.'
'It's true!' Sirius said, only half-joking.
'Being Sirius, serious?' Remus said wryly.
'Oh, very amusing,' snorted Sirius. Then, softly, 'Now be still and quiet, or I'll hurt you.'
Remus relaxed into the rhythm of Sirius's combing. Drowsily he leaned back against Sirius.
'S'lovely,' he murmured. Sirius smiled. Later, he knew, they would have to thrash over the events of yesterday, but for now they just relaxed, melding into each other, breathing in unison.
Remus vaguely wished he could savour the moment fully but couldn't as his eyes gently closed and he slept, still leaning on Sirius. His breathing was deep and even, and he looked completely peaceful.
Sirius had watched him sleep many times, and he thought happily to himself that he had never seen Remus slumber so quietly, with no outward sign of any inward horrors that plagued him so often in his dreams.
He dropped the comb onto the bed and wriggled himself cautiously into a comfortable position, sitting cross-legged with his back against the bedhead and Remus leaning heavily on him. He laid his cheek against the smooth softness of Remus's head, put two protective arms around him, and closed his eyes.
A few minutes later they flew open again, belying his sleeping appearance, when the door opened. As Dumbledore walked in, Sirius was trying unsuccessfully to extricate himself from Remus whilst not waking him. He was hindered by his robes and by embarrassment which mysteriously stole all his self-possession and natural grace.
'Stop it Sirius - you'll wake him,' Dumbledore said on perceiving his futile efforts. 'I just came in to see how he was - he looks much better. Less pale and drawn. You look better too.'
Sirius smiled, almost shyly.
'We haven't talked properly yet, but I think it's going to be okay.' The smile slid off his face as he continued, 'I know how badly I let him down, but I think he's going to forgive me.'
'I think so too,' Dumbledore said kindly. 'And - any more than okay?'
Sirius went pink.
'Maybe,' he mumbled. He suddenly became uncomfortably aware that his arms were still around Remus's sleeping form. He tightened his grip defensively.
Dumbledore stared at them for a minute before saying, 'I must speak to Poppy, Sirius. I'm glad that things are looking hopefully.'
He turned and left. Sirius stared after him for a few minutes before snuggling in even closer to Remus and falling asleep himself.
When he woke again, it was dark, but after a few sleep-cloyed moments, Sirius realised that it wasn't because it was night. He could see ominous menacing clouds hanging heavily in the sky, blocking out the sun.
He felt Remus move sharply and mutter something.
'Re? You awake?' he asked.
When there was no reply, he felt his heart sink. So Remus was dreaming, and even his presence couldn't stop him. He moved a sleep-creased hand to stroke Remus's hair, but as his touched his tousled head, Remus whipped around. His open eyes were glassy and strangely unfocused.
"He's still asleep," thought Sirius with a thrill of horror and anticipation. What was going to happen? Remus asleep - no reservations or his usual rigid self-control.
'Sirius,' he said in a hoarse voice that was like and yet unlike his usual voice.
'Sirius,' he said again. 'You bastard, Sirius. What did you do all this for? If you'd have just told me. how could I have resisted you? But no. You lost control. What if Severus had died? What if I had killed him? What if I kill you? I can't stop myself, Sirius. I don't think you realise that fully. You have to have the self-control for both of us when I'm the wolf. You have to make sure for me that I don't hurt anyone. I trusted you to do that - how can I any more?'
Sirius couldn't listen to any more. A flash of light filled the room, lightning forking spectactularly outside, as he shook Remus awake.
'I'm sorry,' he sobbed as growls of thunder tried to drown him out. 'You can trust me, you can, I'll never do anything to hurt you Remus.'
Remus was still half-asleep and his guard was down or perhaps he would have moderated his words. He looked Sirius in the eye, and lightning highlighted his strange gold eyes, making them glow fiercely.
'How can I think that now?' he cried despairingly, getting unsteadily off the bed and backing away from Sirius. 'You know what my greatest fear is, and you nearly made it happen!'
'I know,' Sirius said brokenly. Thunder rolled outside and then lightning illuminated his white face. 'I can't make it alright again. If I could go back - I'd do anything - but I can't. You have to decide whether you still want me. I'll wait if you want me to, if you send me away I'll go. Tell me what you want, and I'll do it.'
The storm circled above them, thunder booming after livid white split- second lightning flashes. Rain spattered the window, at first a couple of small drops, but soon a drumming deluge. Gusts of wind blew violently and eerily through small cracks in the wall.
Above this, Sirius could barely hear Remus speak.
'Even if I thought you would do this again, I don't think I could not forgive you. I want to be strong, I want to wait and see before I trust you again, but I already know that I won't wait. You could do this again and I would be just as shocked, just as devastated - Sirius, you could do anything to me and I'll let you and then I'll forgive you.
'I know Severus would say I'm weak, or pathetic, or stupid, or gullible - but I don't think I am. I think - no, I know - I'm in love. With you. I love you. If only I'd told you before -'
'I should have told you, Re. Sn - Severus called me an idiot for not telling you, for not realising. And I have been an idiot. I'm sorry.'
Sirius was still crying, Remus knew, even if he hadn't been able to see his tears rolling down between the intermittent bursts of light.
'Do you - still want me?' he asked eventually.
'Why do you even ask that?' Remus said incredulously.
'Then - will you kiss me?'
Remus felt his heart speed up, blood pound thumping against his throat. He was lightheaded. "This is it," he thought. He felt dazed and strangely numb as he walked forward to the bed where Sirius was still sitting. He sat carefully, cross-legged, facing him, wriggled forward. Took his face between his hands. Leaned forward.
His suspended feelings smashed into him with the force of a tidal wave. He held onto Sirius as though he was a single point of safe calm in a swirling maelstrom of confusion and strange newness. He felt the soft yielding of Sirius's warm mouth, could smell his familiar scent. He tangled his shaking hands in his black hair and just went with the wave. There was no fighting it.
He gave a choked sob.
'Re? What's the matter?' Sirius asked immediately, breaking off the kiss. 'You're shaking.'
'God, Sirius, I've wanted this for so long - I love you so much - I don't know how I can feel like this and carry on living - it's too much - too good -' He dissolved into incoherent sobs.
'Please Re, don't cry like that, it's okay. I love you too, you know that - nothing's too good for you, you deserve to be happy - I'm going to try and make you happy -'
'Ohh, Sirius,' he breathed before kissing him again.
There was everything in the kiss - passion, fear, love, relief, desperation. The two boys clung together, tears falling and mingling as they explored each other and learned a familiar person in an unfamiliar way.
And outside, the clouds blew away, and the sun broke through the grey and filled the room with golden light.
'James?' Dumbledore only said his name, but James knew it was a question. He shook his head.
'Remus didn't get either of us, Professor. He's just a bit - shocked.'
At that, Madam Pomfrey came hurrying across the lawn. She gave a cry at seeing the two prone bodies, and cast a quick glance at Dumbledore.
'No Poppy, not - that,' he said. 'Mister Black has been hit by the Whomping Willow and Mister Snape is a little overwrought.'
He conjured two stretchers out of the air and gently moved Sirius and Snape onto them. Then they all walked up to the castle, Dumbledore first, controlling the two stretchers, then James supported by Madam Pomfrey, and finally Peter.
The two unconscious boys were taken to the Infirmary, and the watchful care of Madam Pomfrey. Peter was sent back to the common room, but instead waited cross-legged in the corridor outside the entrance to Dumbledore's office as James talked to the headmaster.
'James, I would like to thank you. Your courage and quick thinking rescued an otherwise potentially fatal situation. Severus has you to thank for his life. However, I don't suppose you will be expecting any thanks.
'Severus is a very proud boy, James. He hates you, I know you know his, and he envies you too. It was only desperation that conquered his pride enough to make him follow Sirius's instructions - I admit, I do not know why he was so desperate, but I think you do. You do not have to tell me, but be assured, whatever it is, I would not be angry at you or at Severus.
'But then, I think Sirius was driven by desperation to do what he did too - betray a great friend of his. I do not understand why.'
Dumbledore shook his white head and suddenly looked very sad. James was overcome with the desire to confide in him.
'Professor, there has been a bit of - weird stuff - going on in the last few days. Remus told me that, well, that Snape had, er, kissed him. And, um, Sirius told me that, er, he loves Remus. not in a 'friends' way.' James watched Dumbledore warily for his response.
Dumbledore just smiled sadly.
'Love, then. Both love Remus. That makes sense. And Remus - is there anyone he loves do you think - either of those two, or someone else?'
'I don't know, Professor. no, I do, I think. He said he wouldn't be able to, um, do anything with Snape, because he didn't feel the same way, and it seemed to me like he was hiding something.'
'So it is not poor Severus. Ah well, thank you for all your help Mister Potter. I think perhaps I had better talk to Severus and Sirius. Oh, out of curiosity - how did you react to your best friend telling you he was in love with your other best friend?'
James blushed even more than he already was at this casual discussion of his friends' peculiarities. 'I was rude at first - and cruel. Very cruel. But then I went away and thought about - about, well, Lily Evans - and then I realised you can't choose who you fall in love with, and you don't fall in love on purpose. It hurts Sirius so much, I think, and I just felt sorry for him. And I knew it didn't make a difference to us being friends so things are okay now.'
Dumbledore nodded. 'Thank you James. Please don't tell anyone about everything that has been going on tonight, and ask Peter to do the same. You acted maturely and selflessly tonight, and I am very proud of you, and grateful too. So thank you again.'
James left the room quickly and walked to the Gryffindor dormitory where he and Peter sat talking sombrely until late that night.
*****
Dumbledore stood up and squared his shoulders. He knew that had been the easiest part. James Potter was a sensible, well-adjusted, levelheaded boy at heart, just prone to mischief, whereas Sirius and Severus had, it seemed, both had their lives turned upside down by the same person - quiet, well-behaved, polite Remus Lupin. Dumbledore smiled at the thought of the sweet intelligent boy, but then as always his thoughts turned to the horrible burden that Remus bore with such stoicism.
Leaving his office, he walked swiftly towards the Infirmary wing. He looked daunting, his face serious and his black robes swishing about his ankles, but he was simply lost in thought on how best to handle this situation. He knew that there was very little possibility of a good outcome. Severus's wounded pride and thwarted love would not allow it. But how would Sirius be, he wondered.
He reached the Infirmary door and paused momentarily before speaking the password and entering the ward. On one white bed, Severus Snape was lying flat on his back. His eyes were open and staring and he was completely motionless. On seeing Dumbledore, he just stared at him with an expression of hurt, misery and loathing intermingled uncomfortably.
At the other end of the room, Sirius Black was pacing restlessly, muttering angrily. He seemed not to notice Dumbledore until the headmaster walked up to him and laid a calming hand on his shoulder; then he cast a haunted look at him, his black eyes wide and frightened.
At that moment, Madam Pomfrey bustled in.
'Ah, you got him to stop,' she said gratefully to Dumbledore. 'He's just been walking and talking like that ever since we got here and he woke up. I've been worried. And about Severus too. Hasn't moved or said a word. Just looks.'
Dumbledore patted her shoulder.
'Poppy, I'm going to speak to the boys now. Don't worry; I'll take care of them.'
Madam Pomfrey smiled but her concern was clear.
'Be gentle with them, Albus.'
Then she turned and walked briskly from the room.
'Sirius, would you like to sit down? You too, Severus.' He gestured towards three chairs in a triangle next to a blazing lilac fire.
Sirius wordlessly and instantly obeyed. He sat and twisted his fingers nervously, painful to watch. Then he clenched one fist and bit the nails on his other hand distractedly.
Snape, meanwhile, was still lying prone. Dumbledore walked over to him and took his hand kindly.
'Come, Severus, I need to talk to you.'
Then Snape suffered himself to be led to a chair which he perched on the edge of. Dumbledore sat in the third chair. He thought for a moment before speaking.
'Sirius, it was you, was it not, who told Severus how the Whomping Willow could be stilled and the tunnel beneath it found?' Sirius stared at him, his eyes still haunted and huge in his white face. "How alike these boys look," Dumbledore thought briefly before continuing. 'Why did you do this thing?'
'Snape wanted to follow Remus,' he said tonelessly.
'But you surely knew that by telling him this, you would let Remus's secret into the open - and you could have caused serious injury to Severus.'
'Yes.'
'So why did you still do it?'
'He made Remus cry. He made him feel - cowardly. And alone. And he told me -' Sirius broke off suddenly.
'What did he tell you, Sirius?'
Sirius closed his eyes and dropped his head into his hands. In a muffled voice he said, 'He told me that Remus would - that he'd never love me back. I love Remus, Professor Dumbledore. I love him.'
Dumbledore smiled faintly at the intensity and passion in the boy's voice, but then remembered the near tragedy this love had provoked.
'You love Remus - but by doing this you've hurt him, Sirius.'
'I know,' Sirius moaned. His voice was dull with sorrow. 'I just - didn't think. That's not an excuse. There is no excuse. I was - I was jealous of Snape.'
Snape's eyes grew big and he stared at Sirius.
'Remus was jealous of him too. We both felt - weak - and pathetic. Snape made us feel like that. because he was honest to Remus about his feelings about him. But I was - I am - to much of a coward, too scared of Remus's reaction to tell him I love him.'
'That is understandable, Sirius. But Severus. Have you got anything to say about that?'
Severus seemed finally to snap out of his reverie.
'Yes,' he hissed, 'if I'd have known Lupin is - is a monster,' Dumbledore quelled Sirius with one glance, 'then I'd never have fucking loved him. I'd never have fucking kissed him. And Black is a sick bastard, he'd have got his werewolf to murder me. What have a I done to deserve this? What? What? Tell me Black!' he shouted, jumping to his feet. 'Why do you victimise me? Why do you hate me? It's because you were jealous that Lupin and I - we had a connection - a thought that repulses me now. But we did, and you know it! I know things about him that you'll never know. but you're welcome to him. Take him. He's yours. I want nothing more to do with him. He probably knew about this all along! Probably thought it was a funny joke - turn stupid lovefool Snape into the beast he is! You and Potter and Lupin, all in this together!' Then he stopped his vituperative ranting and said softly, venomously, 'You should go to Azkaban for this, Black. You deserve to be in Azkaban. And that - thing - should join you there.'
No calming glance form Dumbledore could stop Sirius from flinging himself on Snape.
'You bastard!' he screamed, 'Remus is worth a million of you, you heartless bastard! How can you call him that?'
'Sirius Black!' Dumbledore thundered.
Sirius let go of Snape and moved away.
'Sirius, you will wait for me outside. I wish to talk to Severus.'
Sirius obeyed wordlessly.
As the door closed, Dumbledore turned to Snape.
'Severus, I need you to promise not to tell the other students about Remus.'
'And if I refuse?'
'Then you will give me no option but to expel you for such wilful lies. I am sorry, Severus. I do not wish to make such threats to you, but I have to protect Remus. None of this is his fault.'
'He was probably in on the joke!'
'No, Severus,' Dumbledore said quickly. 'I am sure he was not. And this was no joke. You've heard Sirius's reasons for acting the way he did. He said himself that there was no excuse, but he had a reason. Severus, I don't know what to say to you, and I fear that no matter what I say, you will punish Remus for something that is not his fault.'
'Professor Dumbledore,' Snape said, his voice trembling and pulsing with emotion, 'Remus Lupin is a danger to people! What if Black decides to murder someone else?'
'Severus, I truly believe that Sirius wasn't trying to kill you, although I understand why it looks that way. But I think he has realised the enormity of what he did now. I think when he talks to Remus he'll realise even more. Being friends with someone - caring for someone - who is a werewolf brings responsibilities. Remus the wolf is not tame - can never be tame.'
'Remus - the wolf,' Snape repeated and shuddered - but from what. Unbeknownst to Dumbledore, at that moment Snape pledged to be the one who would tame the wolf. His love for the werewolf was hidden under fear, misunderstanding and hate, and would remain so, but it drove his main ambition from that day on - to find a way to overcome Lupin's lycanthropia and put Lupin in his debt. But nobody would know for several decades. Snape was secretive by nature, and without Remus had no one to confide in.
Dumbledore looked contemplatively into the fire.
'So I trust you will remain silent?'
'I have no choice, so I shall.'
'Thank you Severus.'
'As I say, I have no choice. Now Professor, if you will excuse me - I have things to do -' Snape said. He stood up, his haughty dignity impeded by the bright tears glistening in his black eyes and his trembling lips.
Dumbledore was moved with pity such as he only felt when visiting Remus after his transformations.
He wanted to beg Severus not to ostracise Lupin, although he knew he would. But he felt as if some momentous choice, some hugely influential event, had subtly altered the course of Severus Snape's life. He feared for him.
Snape stalked out of the room. He tried to ignore the presence of Sirius, but couldn't ignore a beseeching hand tugging at his sleeve.
'Snape, I know you hate me, and I don't care, but don't blame Remus. None of this is his fault. As if he could do anything like this - you know he couldn't. You love him too.'
'I do not love the werewolf, Black. Remus Lupin is someone I don't know at all, that much is plain to me. And yes, I do hate you, but I hate Potter more. He rescued me when I'd rather have died. At least you showed me the truth about Lupin.'
Sirius didn't know what to say. He stood stock still, his hand still clinging pathetically to Snape's sleeve. Snape extricated himself roughly.
'For fuck's sake Black, how blind can you be? Remus doesn't want me because he wants you instead. How can you not see it?'
He took to his heels and fled. The next time Sirius saw him, and every time after that, he was twisted, viciously sardonic. He appeared to despise everyone. Sirius never understood what motivated him towards that last altruistic gesture, but he could never forget it. He could never forgive it either, that he owed so much to Snape.
At that moment in the corridor, though, Sirius had no inkling of anything to come. He only knew that, suddenly, like a little seed being planted or a melody played one-fingered in a piano, at the back of his mind was hope of something huge and beautiful.
He tried to shrug it off as a final sick salute from someone who loathed him beyond words, but couldn't quite. Circumstances from the past rose unbidden in his mind: certain looks exchanged by he and Remus, certain touches, shared jokes. Blushes on Remus's pale cheeks for seemingly no reason. Ambiguous words muttered in Remus's never-quiet sleep. Smiles. Tears. They all rushed over him and he couldn't stop the deluge.
Remus loves him!
Or loved him, he thought suddenly. What have you done, Sirius?
At that moment, the Infirmary door opened and Dumbledore appeared.
'Please come in, Sirius.'
He followed mutely.
They sat down in the chairs they had previously occupied.
'Sirius, I have to tell you now that I think Severus will never forgive you, not only for exposing him to danger but for disillusioning him about Remus. However unfairly, he blames you indirectly for Remus being a werewolf since it was through you that he found out, and realised he didn't know Remus as well as he thought. I'm sure you understand this.
'I'm not going to punish you, Sirius. There's no punishment I can inflict that will be a hundredth, a thousandth, as terrible as your conscience and the knowledge of how you harmed your - friend. You know this. Punishment would be inadequate and, I think, trivial.'
As Dumbledore looked at Sirius, he knew he was right.
'Severus will be keeping Remus's condition to himself, although he did not want to.
'I don't really know what to say to you Sirius. I don't need to tell you of my disappointment and regret. You have hurt Severus deeply, in a different way to that which he could have been hurt, but nonetheless he is devastated.
'I just have one thing to say - well, to ask you. It is this. Tomorrow morning, when Remus is awake, do you wish to tell him what has happened or shall I?'
There was a big pause then, as Sirius's courage did battle with fear and reluctance. He knew that very soon Remus would know things which might change his feelings dramatically. "But you know what you have to do," his subconscious insisted.
'I'll tell him, Professor.'
Dumbledore's face broke into an unexpected smile.
'I thought you would. Courage, Mister Black. This will be difficult beyond anything you have imagined, but perhaps it will change things in ways none of us can see.'
Sirius briefly considered talking to Dumbledore about Snape's parting shot but decided against it. He didn't think he could stand to talk about Remus and love, when in a few short hours he might be destroying anything Remus ever felt for him.
'Thank you Professor,' he said sincerely.
Dumbledore smiled again.
'I feel this is a lesson very well learned. But Sirius -' Sirius looked attentive, 'be patient.'
Sirius smiled, a pale sad echo of his lopsided grin, but a smile anyway. Then he trailed up to the Gryffindor dormitory, where he found James and Peter had tactfully made themselves scarce.
At first his thoughts were filled with imaginings of the horrors that might have been. Sirius had a vivid ad impressionable mind, and he wept helplessly for a while before thinking over the things Snape and Dumbledore had said. Eventually, he allowed himself to think of Remus, and the possibility of him feeling for Sirius what Sirius himself felt for Remus. He'd saved the thought up, like saving the horseradish Every Flavour Beans for last, and now he enjoyed it.
For a while he just imagined scenarios in his head, involving heart to hearts with Remus in which the werewolf got angry, quickly calmed down and then professed undying love and kissed him.
Thoughts of love and kisses soon banished the dark horrors of earlier. With the thought of a wet tongue trailing along his lips, his neck, gentle nibbles and soft butterfly kisses, Sirius got hot and excited.
He felt it was vaguely wrong to feel that way after all that had been going on, but he couldn't help himself. He slid one urgent hand down his stomach and grasped himself firmly, letting out a little moan. As he pleasured himself rhythmically, delicious arousing images flashed in his mind. He came quickly, gasping 'Moony', his mind full of the werewolf.
Sirius woke at dawn the next day. The first tentative fronds of light were creeping through a gap in the curtains and across the wooden floor. He quickly got out of bed, threw on his robes and raced across the school to the Infirmary.
*****
At the Infirmary door, he met Madam Pomfrey escorting a very wan and ill- looking Remus inside.
'Sirius,' Remus rasped. He said no more, but his eyes were full of questions and fear as well as physical pain.
"Of course," Sirius thought, "he must have sensed Snape in the tunnel - ad he knew that Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail weren't there as usual."
His stomach felt heavy with dread. Bile rose in his throat. How was he going to tell Remus that he had betrayed him?
He trailed into the Infirmary after Madam Pomfrey. She gently helped Remus to lie down, covered in the blanket he had been wearing wrapped around himself.
'Remus, pet, I'm going to get some from the other room. I'll be back soon. Call if you need me,' she said, shooting a tender glance at the exhausted werewolf.
As the door shut behind her, Remus tried to sit up. His arms shook wildly as he endeavoured to support himself, but he couldn't manage. Gently Sirius helped him so that he was sitting, leaning against the iron bedstead. Sirius grabbed a pillow off a neighbouring bed and, helping Remus to lean forward, positioned it behind his back so he was more comfortable.
'Thank you,' Remus said politely. Then came silence. Then he said, 'You know who was in the tunnel last night. You know why. Tell me - tell me what happened? I - I didn't - hurt anyone, did I?'
Sirius shook his head slowly. The relief was plain on Remus's pointed pale face. He hated the fact that he was going to have to destroy that relief.
'Re - someone was in the tunnel, you know that I know - it was Snape - and James.'
Remus drew a sharp inward breath.
'Severus? And James?'
'Severus got in, and James went in afterwards to save him.'
'But - how? Why?'
This was it.
'I told him he'd find you there.'
Sirius could feel his body throbbing with his heartbeat. He held his breath.
'You told him I was there? But - why? Did you tell him I was a werewolf?'
'No I didn't. I told him - because I hated him. I didn't think about it, I didn't want him to die - James saved him. But he knows about you, he saw you. Dumbledore's spoken to him, he won't tell anyone.'
Sirius paused. He wanted to apologise, to fling himself sobbing on Remus's lap and his mercy. But he didn't even know where to start. This was too big, too serious for 'sorry'. But he had nothing else.
Remus was staring at him and Sirius felt himself blush.
'Remus, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say - there's nothing I can say. Do you want me to leave?'
Remus ignored his last question.
'I don't understand Sirius. Why did you do it? You can't hate him that much - what has he ever done to you?'
Feeling his self-control suddenly vanish, feeling beyond fear, Sirius looked him in the eye.
'I was jealous because he's braver than I think I can ever be. I was jealous of every second he spent with you. And I was scared because I thought perhaps you loved him after all.'
'What's it to you if I'm in love?' demanded Remus. 'You don't seem to mind James's infatuation with Lily Evans.'
'I'm not in love with James!' Sirius exclaimed. Then he looked horror- struck. 'Shall I go now?' he said in a small voice that was expecting outrage.
Remus nodded dazedly.
'I think it's better if you do.'
Sirius got up and walked out.
Remus Lupin sat very still and analysed Sirius's words very slowly. The facts - Sirius had played on Severus's infatuation with Remus to hurt him and so satisfy his own jealous rage against Severus which was caused by his love for Remus.
Understandably, he found it hard to swallow.
It was easier to dwell on the first bit of Sirius's bombshell. "Severus knows," he thought. "What's he going to say? He's going to think I tried to hurt him. he's going to hate me. it wasn't my fault Severus! It's not my fault that I am what I am - I am what I try to deny."
No amount of self-suppression could stop the wolf that raged constantly inside Remus, only fully escaping once a month. His thin, scarred body contained a vicious battleground upon which boy and wolf fault for dominance. Remus had felt guilty for as long as he could remember, and what he feared most of all had, it seemed, almost come to pass. He had nearly killed someone. If not for James, he would be a murderer.
He started to cry weakly. Relief. Love. Fear. Anger. He was confused and unhappy and all alone, and he didn't want to think any more. He just wanted to be free of his lycanthropia, his fears and his cowardice.
At that timely moment, Dumbledore came in.
'Oh Remus,' he said, his voice full of sympathy and regret. He drew up a chair, handed the weeping werewolf his handkerchief and patted his hand kindly before waiting for the tears to pass.
Eventually they slowed to an occasional hiccup, and Dumbledore started to speak.
'Remus, I imagine Sirius has told you about what happened last night. There is very little for me to say, apart from reassuring you that none of the whole business - Sirius's motivations, or Severus's - was your fault.
'I fear your friendship with Severus will be irrevocably damaged. He is angry, hurt and his pride is wounded. It is hard for someone as proud as Severus to accept that you did not love him back.' Remus gasped and Dumbledore continued, 'yes, I know all of that; James and Sirius and Severus told me everything. Yes, James. He knows about Sirius and Severus's feelings, although no one seems to know about yours.
'Remus, love is love. It is the oldest and deepest form of magic. No matter who you love, no matter how they feel back, love is incredibly powerful. Whether that power is used for good or evil is up to the person. The best love is strong but gentle, kind but firm. It knows how to give and how to receive. It wants to do good. Love is brave. And love is confusing, it is difficult to cope with, it is painful. But still, it is love.'
He smiled calmly. Remus couldn't smile back. He had no idea where this was going.
'Remus, I'm not going to ask you to forgive Sirius. That is entirely up to you. if you wish to talk about any of this - anything at all - then you are very welcome to come to my study. The password is "tooth-flossing stringmints".'
"Everything's got very surreal this morning," thought Remus. He felt numb; too much had happened, he didn't know what to think. And why was Dumbledore going on about love. Did he. know?
Remus was a secretive boy. He loved his best friends but there was a large part of himself that he kept hidden away - not just the wolfish part of him, although he had never tried to explain to anyone what being a werewolf was like - and he preferred to think things over himself rather than confiding. He knew Sirius found this habit of his slightly disconcerting - he would often tease Remus about 'thinking too much'. He wasn't given to rash decision-making, or fiery outbursts of temper, or sudden blurting out of ideas, but he had been stretched to breaking point by things he had been told that morning.
He was filled with a sudden rage against Sirius, Severus - yes, even Dumbledore, sitting there so calmly and understandingly.
'Why the fuck is all this happening?' he asked furiously. Dumbledore winced slightly but otherwise sat still. 'I didn't ask for any of this! Why did Severus have to go and kiss me, for fuck's sake? What the fuck did Sirius think he was fucking doing? I'm so fucking sick of being a danger to everyone I care about!' He broke off panting. He wanted to shout and say 'fuck' some more, but he didn't really know what about.
'That is understandable,' Dumbledore said quietly. 'But everything that has been going on has very little to do with you being a werewolf. Even if you were not, Severus and Sirius would both still be hurt and upset. This is about you, the person, Remus Lupin. Accept, Remus, that those two have both fallen in love with you for you, because of who, and not what, you are. It might feel like a curse, but it's a gift. They both care about you deeply.'
'I don't want it,' Remus said miserably. 'Why me?'
Dumbledore smiled.
'I know you're modest, but still. you're a handsome lad and you're kind, patient funny. It's impossible to explain or justify love, but I'm not surprised they both chose you.'
Remus blushed, hot blood rushing to his head. He was far too embarrassed to say anything. Dumbledore sensed this and, giving him a final kind smile, left the room.
Soon after, Madam Pomfrey came in carrying various bottle and jars. She gently applied healing salve to all Remus's fresh wounds, and made him drink several vile-tasting potions from ornate glass bottles. Then she gave him a glass of water and helped him to lie back down.
He lay with his eyes closed, nothing to do but think. He usually didn't mind being left alone with his thoughts, but today. all he could think, over and over again, was that he had nearly killed someone because of Sirius. He grew angrier and angrier at Sirius. "How dare he use love as an excuse? I have loved him for years. I've suffered jealousy and loneliness in silence. I didn't feel compelled to kill anyone!"
*****
The rational part of his brain reminded him insistently that he always knew he meant more to Sirius than the multitudes of girls who lined up attempting to seduce him, whereas Sirius knew that Severus meant an awful lot to him. The irritating voice of logic also reminded him that Sirius was impulsive and thoughtless by nature, and had just intended to scare Severus ("Probably scared him away," he thought sadly), and that Sirius couldn't really understand what it meant to be a werewolf.
In fact, ever complaint his anger threw up against Sirius was immediately explained away and excused by his logic - or was it simply his logic, or his inclination as well? Remus didn't know, but after about half and hour his anger had burnt itself out and resolved into a desperate need to talk to Sirius.
As he wondered what he would say, he started imagining possible scenarios in his mind. All of them involved kissing. he daydreamed a couple of hours away, just anticipating seeing Sirius. And for the first time in he couldn't remember how long, there was no answering pang of unrequited longing when he thought of Sirius. He knew he felt the same way.
Sirius was denied that luxury. He had run back to the dormitory and closed the curtains round his bed, and given himself up to despair. A little later he heard James and Peter waking up and chatting in a subdued sort of way. Then he heard the door open and close, and then James said 'Sirius?' softly.
On hearing no reply, he poked his untidy black head through the curtains.
'Are you alright?' he asked tentatively.
'I told Remus,' Sirius said dully.
'And.?'
'I accidentally told him, James.'
'Ohh. what did he say?'
'I asked him if he wanted me to leave. He said yeah. So I did.'
'Shit Sirius, I'm sorry.'
'James, I know he loved me, I know it now! But I don't know any more. Severus told me James. Snape told me Remus loved me. And now I've fucked it all up. Why couldn't I just have controlled myself?'
James looked aghast. He had no idea what to say or do, or how to deal with a suffering lovestruck Sirius.
'Are you coming to breakfast?' he managed finally.
'No.'
'Transfiguration?'
'No. I can't. McGonagall knows by now. and I'll have to see Snape. God.'
'Erm. Okay. I'll tell her - something. Don't worry Sirius. I think Remus will forgive you, y'know.'
'maybe.'
James didn't know what to say. He smiled apologetically before withdrawing and getting ready for the day, chatting to Peter when he returned. Then the two boys left the room. Everything was quiet. Sirius sat on his bed and thought.
He thought about Remus. He longed to see him. He got up off his bed and aimlessly wandered around the dormitory before finding himself in Remus's corner. His curtains were closed. Sirius drew them back, found everything was neat and tidy. Remus was a tidy person, but he always left his bed and chest of drawers in immaculate, inhuman order before his transformations.
"As if," thought Sirius with a sudden flash of inspiration, "he tries to exert as much control over things before he loses control over himself."
Sirius sat on the creaseless bed. Then he got up again, shut the curtains and laid full length on the bed, on his front, breathing in the sheer Moonyness of the smell of the pillow. "Even his bed smells of chocolate," he thought, and almost smiled.
He got up again, pulled back the covers, and laid enfolded in the coldness of the bed. It gradually got warmer as his body heat filled it and Sirius slept.
He woke a couple of hours later. He stretched his arms out and folded them sleepily under the pillow -
He was suddenly brought back to wakefulness by the cool roughness of parchment. Without thinking, he pulled it out and smoothed it, before sitting up and reading it.
"Scared to be alone, frightened of the dark, Everything's too much for a boy out of touch With his feelings. I must be to blame, I must be at fault, I believe I'm never good enough o shine a light That lingers.
I have witnessed starbursts in your coal black eyes I am what I try to deny I have seen the serpent coiling, set to strike, And love is your usual disguise.
Pleased to meet you Where you from, and what's your name?
Never came alive, never cut the cord Nothing is too much for a boy out of touch With his feelings. Worshipping the moonshine, skinning up the grapevine I don't have a plan where I'm going, I just Follow my fingers.
I will be the burning man to grace these times, I am what I try to deny I reflect the same eyes looking back at me And love is the only reply.
Pleased to meet you Where you from, and what's your name?
Sirius knew. The starbursts. The black eyes. "Shit, I really shouldn't've read that." But he read it again and again.
'Never good enough to shine a light that lingers?' he said aloud.
He gently replaced the parchment and then for the second time that day, raced down the stairs to the Infirmary. He had to see Remus.
*****
James was worrying about Sirius. Sitting in Tranfiguration, his mind was wandering away from professor McGonagall's painstaking explication of just what it took to turn a thimble into a white mouse. He did, however, notice her repeatedly staring at Severus Snape and dropping her train of thought.
He understood. However hard it had been before to imagine Snape making a declaration of love, it was a thousand times harder now. If before he had seemed cold and distant, now he was frozen as the arctic, and just as forbidding. Impossible to believe that less than 24 hours ago he had told Remus he loved him, and less than 12 hours ago he had gone blindly headfirst into danger to find out where Remus disappeared to every month.
James felt concerned for Snape, though he'd never have admitted it. Something about his demeanour said plainly that love, trust and possibly even happiness were all behind him, and all he could ever hope for was a lifetime of lonely suffering. Even in his worst enemy, James felt more sorry than he could ever have articulated. He felt sorry that everything had happened as it did because he had a feeling that whether or not Sirius and Remus found happiness, Snape never would. It gave him a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.
James wondered what Sirius would say to Remus, and what Remus would do. What would he have done if Sirius had told him that he was in love with him? He was honest enough to admit that the idea made him uncomfortable. but Remus was different. He understood things, understood what it meant to be different. Looked down upon. He wondered briefly what it would look like, Sirius and Remus kissing. And what could two male lovers do? He blushed and, making an effort, concentrated on what McGonagall was saying.
Severus Snape, sitting at the front, was also concentrating. In that long, terrible night, he ad sobbed and raged and screamed in the seclusion of the remote Astronomy tower, and had not slept at all. Now his face was paler than the parchment lying before him. His black eyes were deep wells of unfathomable emotion. His hands shook and he pressed his quill hard to the parchment to stop the letters shaking as he formed them. He took almost obscene care over what he was writing, concentrating unnecessarily hard to drive every other through from his mind.
Professor McGonagall didn't think it was working. Severus reminded her of a stray kitten, perhaps - you ached to comfort him, but he would turn on you and wound you for coming too close because he thought you might be out to hurt him like everyone else. Despite dismissing that idea as fanciful nonsense, it stuck with her, all through the rest of his time at Hogwarts and even when he returned as a teacher.
*****
Sirius raced down the stairs and corridors to the Infirmary. The sight of the door sobered him up sharply.
"Now what exactly am I intending to do?" he thought. Without waiting to answer his own question, he knocked on the door.
'Come in,' in Madam Pomfrey's unmistakable Geordie accent.
He shuffled shyly in, his head down.
'Remus hinny, just shout if you want anything,' she said kindly before heading off into a side-room.
Remus was in a white nightshirt now. He'd clearly just had a bath; his hair was all fluffy and his cheeks were pink. He looked unbearably young and vulnerable. But his voice, when he spoke, seemed incongruously old.
'Why are you here?'
'To see how you are.'
'I'm fine.'
Remus was attempting to comb his hair but his arm shook from exhaustion and eventually he gave up and threw the comb on the floor. "The first irrational angry thing I've ever seen Remus do," thought Sirius.
He bent gracefully and retrieved the comb. Then, ignoring Remus's puzzled looks and defensive body language, he knelt behind him on the bed and sat back on his heels. He laid one long brown hand on the crown of Remus's head and began to gently comb his hair.
'Remus.' he began. Remus stiffened, fearing some mention of all that had been happening.
'I'd've said your hair was brown, y'know. But it's really not. It's more like goldeny coppery browny caramelly blonde. I think.' Then he blushed and stopped.
Remus was laughing.
'You certainly have a way with words, Sirius Black.'
'It's true!' Sirius said, only half-joking.
'Being Sirius, serious?' Remus said wryly.
'Oh, very amusing,' snorted Sirius. Then, softly, 'Now be still and quiet, or I'll hurt you.'
Remus relaxed into the rhythm of Sirius's combing. Drowsily he leaned back against Sirius.
'S'lovely,' he murmured. Sirius smiled. Later, he knew, they would have to thrash over the events of yesterday, but for now they just relaxed, melding into each other, breathing in unison.
Remus vaguely wished he could savour the moment fully but couldn't as his eyes gently closed and he slept, still leaning on Sirius. His breathing was deep and even, and he looked completely peaceful.
Sirius had watched him sleep many times, and he thought happily to himself that he had never seen Remus slumber so quietly, with no outward sign of any inward horrors that plagued him so often in his dreams.
He dropped the comb onto the bed and wriggled himself cautiously into a comfortable position, sitting cross-legged with his back against the bedhead and Remus leaning heavily on him. He laid his cheek against the smooth softness of Remus's head, put two protective arms around him, and closed his eyes.
A few minutes later they flew open again, belying his sleeping appearance, when the door opened. As Dumbledore walked in, Sirius was trying unsuccessfully to extricate himself from Remus whilst not waking him. He was hindered by his robes and by embarrassment which mysteriously stole all his self-possession and natural grace.
'Stop it Sirius - you'll wake him,' Dumbledore said on perceiving his futile efforts. 'I just came in to see how he was - he looks much better. Less pale and drawn. You look better too.'
Sirius smiled, almost shyly.
'We haven't talked properly yet, but I think it's going to be okay.' The smile slid off his face as he continued, 'I know how badly I let him down, but I think he's going to forgive me.'
'I think so too,' Dumbledore said kindly. 'And - any more than okay?'
Sirius went pink.
'Maybe,' he mumbled. He suddenly became uncomfortably aware that his arms were still around Remus's sleeping form. He tightened his grip defensively.
Dumbledore stared at them for a minute before saying, 'I must speak to Poppy, Sirius. I'm glad that things are looking hopefully.'
He turned and left. Sirius stared after him for a few minutes before snuggling in even closer to Remus and falling asleep himself.
When he woke again, it was dark, but after a few sleep-cloyed moments, Sirius realised that it wasn't because it was night. He could see ominous menacing clouds hanging heavily in the sky, blocking out the sun.
He felt Remus move sharply and mutter something.
'Re? You awake?' he asked.
When there was no reply, he felt his heart sink. So Remus was dreaming, and even his presence couldn't stop him. He moved a sleep-creased hand to stroke Remus's hair, but as his touched his tousled head, Remus whipped around. His open eyes were glassy and strangely unfocused.
"He's still asleep," thought Sirius with a thrill of horror and anticipation. What was going to happen? Remus asleep - no reservations or his usual rigid self-control.
'Sirius,' he said in a hoarse voice that was like and yet unlike his usual voice.
'Sirius,' he said again. 'You bastard, Sirius. What did you do all this for? If you'd have just told me. how could I have resisted you? But no. You lost control. What if Severus had died? What if I had killed him? What if I kill you? I can't stop myself, Sirius. I don't think you realise that fully. You have to have the self-control for both of us when I'm the wolf. You have to make sure for me that I don't hurt anyone. I trusted you to do that - how can I any more?'
Sirius couldn't listen to any more. A flash of light filled the room, lightning forking spectactularly outside, as he shook Remus awake.
'I'm sorry,' he sobbed as growls of thunder tried to drown him out. 'You can trust me, you can, I'll never do anything to hurt you Remus.'
Remus was still half-asleep and his guard was down or perhaps he would have moderated his words. He looked Sirius in the eye, and lightning highlighted his strange gold eyes, making them glow fiercely.
'How can I think that now?' he cried despairingly, getting unsteadily off the bed and backing away from Sirius. 'You know what my greatest fear is, and you nearly made it happen!'
'I know,' Sirius said brokenly. Thunder rolled outside and then lightning illuminated his white face. 'I can't make it alright again. If I could go back - I'd do anything - but I can't. You have to decide whether you still want me. I'll wait if you want me to, if you send me away I'll go. Tell me what you want, and I'll do it.'
The storm circled above them, thunder booming after livid white split- second lightning flashes. Rain spattered the window, at first a couple of small drops, but soon a drumming deluge. Gusts of wind blew violently and eerily through small cracks in the wall.
Above this, Sirius could barely hear Remus speak.
'Even if I thought you would do this again, I don't think I could not forgive you. I want to be strong, I want to wait and see before I trust you again, but I already know that I won't wait. You could do this again and I would be just as shocked, just as devastated - Sirius, you could do anything to me and I'll let you and then I'll forgive you.
'I know Severus would say I'm weak, or pathetic, or stupid, or gullible - but I don't think I am. I think - no, I know - I'm in love. With you. I love you. If only I'd told you before -'
'I should have told you, Re. Sn - Severus called me an idiot for not telling you, for not realising. And I have been an idiot. I'm sorry.'
Sirius was still crying, Remus knew, even if he hadn't been able to see his tears rolling down between the intermittent bursts of light.
'Do you - still want me?' he asked eventually.
'Why do you even ask that?' Remus said incredulously.
'Then - will you kiss me?'
Remus felt his heart speed up, blood pound thumping against his throat. He was lightheaded. "This is it," he thought. He felt dazed and strangely numb as he walked forward to the bed where Sirius was still sitting. He sat carefully, cross-legged, facing him, wriggled forward. Took his face between his hands. Leaned forward.
His suspended feelings smashed into him with the force of a tidal wave. He held onto Sirius as though he was a single point of safe calm in a swirling maelstrom of confusion and strange newness. He felt the soft yielding of Sirius's warm mouth, could smell his familiar scent. He tangled his shaking hands in his black hair and just went with the wave. There was no fighting it.
He gave a choked sob.
'Re? What's the matter?' Sirius asked immediately, breaking off the kiss. 'You're shaking.'
'God, Sirius, I've wanted this for so long - I love you so much - I don't know how I can feel like this and carry on living - it's too much - too good -' He dissolved into incoherent sobs.
'Please Re, don't cry like that, it's okay. I love you too, you know that - nothing's too good for you, you deserve to be happy - I'm going to try and make you happy -'
'Ohh, Sirius,' he breathed before kissing him again.
There was everything in the kiss - passion, fear, love, relief, desperation. The two boys clung together, tears falling and mingling as they explored each other and learned a familiar person in an unfamiliar way.
And outside, the clouds blew away, and the sun broke through the grey and filled the room with golden light.