*Does a happy jig* I finished the chapter!!! Yay! Oh well, no little
introduction this time, just straight to the story! ¡ALERT!: this is my
longest chapter yet!!! Try not to fall asleep while reading *pleads with
puppy dog eyes*
Disclaimer: I own nothing!. . .but I like to make people do really strange crap, so I created this monster of a story.brewhahahahahaha!!!
Chapter 5:
Ron sat on the couch with Harry stroking his hair as they waited for Hermione to arrive and tell them what was so important.
Harry sighed. He was missing his alone time with Seamus. They had planned a romantic afternoon of clipping each other's toenails and later eating them at a cheap-thrift-store-lamp lit dinner. Harry thought to himself, "Sure, Seamus is a bit cheap, but when I see his hair-covered butt, I know that money doesn't matter. Only the wild monkey sex does." He grinned as he thought of how they used bananas one night, and placed them back in the kitchen to be served to unsuspecting students when they were done. He now began cackling evilly when he remembered that Ron was one of the lucky people to receive their nasty bananas.
"Harry, what's with you?" Ron was a bit frightened by his friend's cackling fit.
"Oh, me, nothing. It's just the result of drugs to my brain."
Ron shrugged and thought about breakfast a few days ago. He began drooling. He normally didn't eat bananas, but this particular banana looked delicious, and it was.
Hermione climbed in through the portrait hole, taking Ron's mind off the banana. Ron and Harry gaped at Hermione, whose stomach had grown quite a bit in an hour. Ron began snorting and laughing.
"Oh my goodness Hermione! How far along are you now?" Harry asked while gazing at Hermione's huge and somewhat lumpy stomach. Before she could answer his first question, he went on, "Hey, Hermione, I'm telling you this as a friend. . .from the shape of your stomach, I wouldn't be surprised if the kid has a birth defect and winds up coming out with webbed feet and an arm sticking out of it's head.
Hermione's face turned a bright red and she muttered something under her breath.
"What was that, Hermione?" inquired Harry.
"Oh, I just said: You guys will never believe what I found out" She answered in a matter-of-fact tone, because she's just like that and all. . . and whatever. . .yeah.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~* A/N: Sorry, don't mind that last bit. . .I'm dumb. . . but at least I admit it! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*
"You found out who the father was?!" Harry asked excitedly. "Umm. . .no, still don't know who the bastard was, mate." Ron answered for Hermione, who was again beginning to look like a rotten, hairy tomato. Regaining her senses, Hermione said in a nice, happy little voice that my psychiatrist uses on me, "No, silly!" she started giggling sweetly, and then stopped when everyone look frightened of her mental stability. "I've found the classroom the picture had been taken in!" Ron and Harry began jumping up and down like idiots. Seeing the jolly good time the gay boys were having, Hermione felt she needed to join in on the merry-making fun.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~* A/N: No, I am not ok. . .that sentence freaks me out. It's all happy and joyful. That's not even what I had written down on my paper. I just had a sudden urge to write happy things *shudders* I am scared. *begins biting toe nails* I'm so scared *snot runs down nose* Oh well, back to the story! If you dare. . .Just dare DAMNIT! I just felt like saying that to add a certain amount of dramatic effect. Did it work?? Hmmm. . .note to self: Ponder thought later and let readers continue without your dumb author's notes. *flips off voice inside my head* Fuck off! I told you to go away and to not talk anymore! Anyway, continuing now. . .not that I'm taking the advice of the voice in my head. . .I'm my own person and I can do stuff without that loser telling me to! *begins rocking back and forth while sucking on thumb* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~* Suddenly, a soaking wet pillow popped out of Hermione's shirt, causing her stomach to lose its largeness. Harry stopped jumping around and stared at the drool-covered pillow and then up to Hermione. Ron, finally taking notice of this stopped bouncing merrily and began to quickly think of an excuse for the pillow. "OH MY GOD!!! HARRY!! HER WATER BROKE! We've got to get her to Madam Pomfrey!
Harry, letting the blonde hair within the jet black dye show, began to run around frantically, stopping every so often to gaze down in disgust at Hermione's "water" that was really just a drool-covered pillow. "Gosh, it's a good thing Harry didn't have permission to watch those educational videos that we all watched about 'growing up and the changes involved,' although, he'd probably be doing the same thing even if he did" Hermione thought to herself. Harry grabbed Hermione's arm and rushed her off to the hospital wing, warning her "not to pinch off the baby too soon." Ron followed closely behind, cackling the whole time at the things he had done to Hermione. The three Gryffindors arrived at the door at the entrance of the hospital nearly breathless because of the rate at which they were running. Right as Ron opened the door, a cloud of smoke puffed out. "What's going on here?!" Ron asked as he looked around the smoke filled room and sniffed the air.
"Hey Pomfrey! If I squint my eyes, your third nipple kind of looks like my grandma." A mysterious voice from within the smoke said. At that statement, a few people began giggling and snorting.
"Hey! I think I see little bunnies in there. . . they are eating the cute wittle polar bears" Ron said happily as he frolicked into the room. Hermione rummaged through her bookbag, pulled out a gas mask, and put it on. The only time she did drugs was with Crookshanks; he was real wild when he was stoned. Hermione entered the room and walked towards the area where the voices were coming from. Harry followed her, skipping merrily. Hermione shielded her eyes in horror at what she saw before her. Dumbledore, McGonagle, Madam Pomfrey, and Ron were all sitting in a circle around a bong, completely naked. Harry gave a squeal of joy at that sight, threw off his clothes in a hurry, and took a seat next to Dumbledore, who was busy rubbing Ron's chest and giggling like a little school girl.
After taking another puff of marijuana, McGonalgle leapt onto Madam Pomfrey and stared a tickle war with her. Hermione chuckled to herself, "So this is what goes on at those 'staff meeting' that Dumbledore announces all the time. Just as Pomfrey was about to pull Hermione into the tickle fight, Hermione grabbed Ron and ran out of the room in a hurry. Just then, she remembered that Harry was in there still. After thinking about running back in the room, risking safety, she decided upon leaving him in there, letting the crack-heads do what they wanted with him.
It was getting late, so Hermione decided to take Ron back to the common room. He was too stoned to be of any help in the search for the clue in the classroom. Just as they entered the common room, Ron passed out. "Oh well" Hermione thought "As long as I'm not the one sleeping on the floor, vulnerable to the possibility of being raped by that horny bastard, Neville, I'm fine." So she made her was up to her room, leaving Ron sleeping on the cold floor.
After a long night's sleep in the comfort of her own warm, cozy bed, Hermione made her way down the stairs in to the common room. She gasped in horror at the sight she saw before her.
Obviously, Ron had awaken during the night and had a real wild time. It appeared that he had found the hard liquor that was hidden in the school's kitchen. (A/N: I always know they had liquor hidden in Hogwarts somewhere. How could teachers stand all the whiney, snot-faces, students without having a drink every once in a while?!) Bottles were lying all over the place and Ron was sitting in the lounge chair by the fire, finishing off the last big of booze. He wiped his mouth and threw the bottle into the fire. But the fact that Ron had been drinking was not what horrified Hermione. All over the common room, there were balloons and streamers, and above the fireplace, hung a banner that said, "Congratulations Hermione, It's a boy!"
Hermione let out a blood curling scream that could be heard throughout the castle.
~* In the boys bathroom *~
"Goyle, do you think these pink, spandex pants make my butt look big?" Malfoy asked lazily as he gazed into his silver and green full-length mirror. "I'm too sexy for my clothes" Malfoy grinned as he thought about getting a matching pair of stiletto heels. Just as he was applying lipstick to his teeth, there was a loud scream echoing throughout the castle.
~* Back to the common room *~
(A/N: See! I told you it was heard throughout the castle! *sticks tongue out at the non believers*)
At the realization that Hermione was there, Ron turned toward her and bean counting to three. "One. . . " "Ron, what the hell is wrong with you?!" "Two. . ." :Seriously, Ron, you're starting to scare me!" Hermione was about to run away when Ron finally said, "Three!" At once, all the Gryffindors popped out and yelled, "SURPRISE!" Hermione turned around and faced the group of people. "What should I tell them?" She asked herself frantically.
Ron hobbled over to her and said, "Worry not. Planned, I have." Then he let out a huge belch that echoed through the room. Suddenly, silence filled the room as Ron prepared to make his speech. "Friends and family that belong to Hermi Grangi" He was then interrupted by a small 2nd year girl. "She has no friends! We just wanted to have a part in Hermione's big screw-up. We just wanted to make her life more miserable than it already is!" She then addressed the crowd, "See here! The many enemies that she has is solid proof of why you never want to be teacher pet, smart- alec bitches like Hermione!" A loud applause erupted, and the girl sat back down proudly.
Ron then continued on. "Even though you're right smart with your thinking, and true is everything you said, I need to make a fucking announcement.so shut the hell up!! As I was saying, before the whiney-ass bitch opened her fat mouth, I have gathered you here today to announce the marriage of Hermione and Neville! No. . .that's not right." Ron thought what he was going to say but could not seem to remember. "Oh well! I forgot what I was going to say, but there's beer and cake over there in the corner!" He said happily as he rushed off to grab some grub for himself.
Hermione marched over to Ron in a fit of anger and said, "Didn't you have something to say about being pregnant?!" Ron thought for a second, "Oh yeah! How could I have forgotten?!" He raised his voice to address the crowd again. "Did I mention that Hermione is pregnant?!" At this, Hermione burst. "No, you fucking idiot of a friend! I'm not pregnant!" An outburst of words such as "Abortion" and "Miscarriage" were heard throughout the room. "Argh!! Are you all morons?! I'm not pregnant, and I never was!" Hermione ran off to her dormitory over-dramatically, leaving the baffled crowd behind. "Damn that perfect, never-do-wrong bastard!" Shouted the outraged 2nd year. The group began to leave, grumbling disappointedly. "Oh well! More food for me!" Thought a happy Ron as he made his way back to the cake. Just as he was about to take a bit out of the delicious looking cake, the portrait hole opened and Harry stumbled in.
"Hey mate, what happened to you?" Ron asked as Harry made his way toward him with a mysterious look in his eye.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*
A/N: There you have it! The fifth chapter up by a date quite later than I said it would be up by *is ashamed* but if it helps my case any, I had it written by the right date, but I am just a lazy person *giggles* Eh, sorry I haven't updated in so long. It's just that I've been putting off writing the story for awhile. . .I was kinda confused as to where I was going with the story, but I think I've got it sorted out. As an added bonus to my thousands (Ok, so I'm in denial) of reviews: If there's something you want to see happen in the next chapter, just include it in your review and I'll put it in there. . .no matter how strange and unusual. Make some completely random crap. And now, thanks to my reviewers. . .except tanthalas36 because I hate him. . .evil person!
Psycho-Monkey: You suck, never change! *taunts* I have my own drug dealer! You're never speechless. . . don't lie!
Renny: I don't know. . .perhaps it is Snape *cackles evilly* I guess you'll just have to read on. . .if you dare! *scary music plays in background*
Disclaimer: I own nothing!. . .but I like to make people do really strange crap, so I created this monster of a story.brewhahahahahaha!!!
Chapter 5:
Ron sat on the couch with Harry stroking his hair as they waited for Hermione to arrive and tell them what was so important.
Harry sighed. He was missing his alone time with Seamus. They had planned a romantic afternoon of clipping each other's toenails and later eating them at a cheap-thrift-store-lamp lit dinner. Harry thought to himself, "Sure, Seamus is a bit cheap, but when I see his hair-covered butt, I know that money doesn't matter. Only the wild monkey sex does." He grinned as he thought of how they used bananas one night, and placed them back in the kitchen to be served to unsuspecting students when they were done. He now began cackling evilly when he remembered that Ron was one of the lucky people to receive their nasty bananas.
"Harry, what's with you?" Ron was a bit frightened by his friend's cackling fit.
"Oh, me, nothing. It's just the result of drugs to my brain."
Ron shrugged and thought about breakfast a few days ago. He began drooling. He normally didn't eat bananas, but this particular banana looked delicious, and it was.
Hermione climbed in through the portrait hole, taking Ron's mind off the banana. Ron and Harry gaped at Hermione, whose stomach had grown quite a bit in an hour. Ron began snorting and laughing.
"Oh my goodness Hermione! How far along are you now?" Harry asked while gazing at Hermione's huge and somewhat lumpy stomach. Before she could answer his first question, he went on, "Hey, Hermione, I'm telling you this as a friend. . .from the shape of your stomach, I wouldn't be surprised if the kid has a birth defect and winds up coming out with webbed feet and an arm sticking out of it's head.
Hermione's face turned a bright red and she muttered something under her breath.
"What was that, Hermione?" inquired Harry.
"Oh, I just said: You guys will never believe what I found out" She answered in a matter-of-fact tone, because she's just like that and all. . . and whatever. . .yeah.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~* A/N: Sorry, don't mind that last bit. . .I'm dumb. . . but at least I admit it! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*
"You found out who the father was?!" Harry asked excitedly. "Umm. . .no, still don't know who the bastard was, mate." Ron answered for Hermione, who was again beginning to look like a rotten, hairy tomato. Regaining her senses, Hermione said in a nice, happy little voice that my psychiatrist uses on me, "No, silly!" she started giggling sweetly, and then stopped when everyone look frightened of her mental stability. "I've found the classroom the picture had been taken in!" Ron and Harry began jumping up and down like idiots. Seeing the jolly good time the gay boys were having, Hermione felt she needed to join in on the merry-making fun.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~* A/N: No, I am not ok. . .that sentence freaks me out. It's all happy and joyful. That's not even what I had written down on my paper. I just had a sudden urge to write happy things *shudders* I am scared. *begins biting toe nails* I'm so scared *snot runs down nose* Oh well, back to the story! If you dare. . .Just dare DAMNIT! I just felt like saying that to add a certain amount of dramatic effect. Did it work?? Hmmm. . .note to self: Ponder thought later and let readers continue without your dumb author's notes. *flips off voice inside my head* Fuck off! I told you to go away and to not talk anymore! Anyway, continuing now. . .not that I'm taking the advice of the voice in my head. . .I'm my own person and I can do stuff without that loser telling me to! *begins rocking back and forth while sucking on thumb* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~* Suddenly, a soaking wet pillow popped out of Hermione's shirt, causing her stomach to lose its largeness. Harry stopped jumping around and stared at the drool-covered pillow and then up to Hermione. Ron, finally taking notice of this stopped bouncing merrily and began to quickly think of an excuse for the pillow. "OH MY GOD!!! HARRY!! HER WATER BROKE! We've got to get her to Madam Pomfrey!
Harry, letting the blonde hair within the jet black dye show, began to run around frantically, stopping every so often to gaze down in disgust at Hermione's "water" that was really just a drool-covered pillow. "Gosh, it's a good thing Harry didn't have permission to watch those educational videos that we all watched about 'growing up and the changes involved,' although, he'd probably be doing the same thing even if he did" Hermione thought to herself. Harry grabbed Hermione's arm and rushed her off to the hospital wing, warning her "not to pinch off the baby too soon." Ron followed closely behind, cackling the whole time at the things he had done to Hermione. The three Gryffindors arrived at the door at the entrance of the hospital nearly breathless because of the rate at which they were running. Right as Ron opened the door, a cloud of smoke puffed out. "What's going on here?!" Ron asked as he looked around the smoke filled room and sniffed the air.
"Hey Pomfrey! If I squint my eyes, your third nipple kind of looks like my grandma." A mysterious voice from within the smoke said. At that statement, a few people began giggling and snorting.
"Hey! I think I see little bunnies in there. . . they are eating the cute wittle polar bears" Ron said happily as he frolicked into the room. Hermione rummaged through her bookbag, pulled out a gas mask, and put it on. The only time she did drugs was with Crookshanks; he was real wild when he was stoned. Hermione entered the room and walked towards the area where the voices were coming from. Harry followed her, skipping merrily. Hermione shielded her eyes in horror at what she saw before her. Dumbledore, McGonagle, Madam Pomfrey, and Ron were all sitting in a circle around a bong, completely naked. Harry gave a squeal of joy at that sight, threw off his clothes in a hurry, and took a seat next to Dumbledore, who was busy rubbing Ron's chest and giggling like a little school girl.
After taking another puff of marijuana, McGonalgle leapt onto Madam Pomfrey and stared a tickle war with her. Hermione chuckled to herself, "So this is what goes on at those 'staff meeting' that Dumbledore announces all the time. Just as Pomfrey was about to pull Hermione into the tickle fight, Hermione grabbed Ron and ran out of the room in a hurry. Just then, she remembered that Harry was in there still. After thinking about running back in the room, risking safety, she decided upon leaving him in there, letting the crack-heads do what they wanted with him.
It was getting late, so Hermione decided to take Ron back to the common room. He was too stoned to be of any help in the search for the clue in the classroom. Just as they entered the common room, Ron passed out. "Oh well" Hermione thought "As long as I'm not the one sleeping on the floor, vulnerable to the possibility of being raped by that horny bastard, Neville, I'm fine." So she made her was up to her room, leaving Ron sleeping on the cold floor.
After a long night's sleep in the comfort of her own warm, cozy bed, Hermione made her way down the stairs in to the common room. She gasped in horror at the sight she saw before her.
Obviously, Ron had awaken during the night and had a real wild time. It appeared that he had found the hard liquor that was hidden in the school's kitchen. (A/N: I always know they had liquor hidden in Hogwarts somewhere. How could teachers stand all the whiney, snot-faces, students without having a drink every once in a while?!) Bottles were lying all over the place and Ron was sitting in the lounge chair by the fire, finishing off the last big of booze. He wiped his mouth and threw the bottle into the fire. But the fact that Ron had been drinking was not what horrified Hermione. All over the common room, there were balloons and streamers, and above the fireplace, hung a banner that said, "Congratulations Hermione, It's a boy!"
Hermione let out a blood curling scream that could be heard throughout the castle.
~* In the boys bathroom *~
"Goyle, do you think these pink, spandex pants make my butt look big?" Malfoy asked lazily as he gazed into his silver and green full-length mirror. "I'm too sexy for my clothes" Malfoy grinned as he thought about getting a matching pair of stiletto heels. Just as he was applying lipstick to his teeth, there was a loud scream echoing throughout the castle.
~* Back to the common room *~
(A/N: See! I told you it was heard throughout the castle! *sticks tongue out at the non believers*)
At the realization that Hermione was there, Ron turned toward her and bean counting to three. "One. . . " "Ron, what the hell is wrong with you?!" "Two. . ." :Seriously, Ron, you're starting to scare me!" Hermione was about to run away when Ron finally said, "Three!" At once, all the Gryffindors popped out and yelled, "SURPRISE!" Hermione turned around and faced the group of people. "What should I tell them?" She asked herself frantically.
Ron hobbled over to her and said, "Worry not. Planned, I have." Then he let out a huge belch that echoed through the room. Suddenly, silence filled the room as Ron prepared to make his speech. "Friends and family that belong to Hermi Grangi" He was then interrupted by a small 2nd year girl. "She has no friends! We just wanted to have a part in Hermione's big screw-up. We just wanted to make her life more miserable than it already is!" She then addressed the crowd, "See here! The many enemies that she has is solid proof of why you never want to be teacher pet, smart- alec bitches like Hermione!" A loud applause erupted, and the girl sat back down proudly.
Ron then continued on. "Even though you're right smart with your thinking, and true is everything you said, I need to make a fucking announcement.so shut the hell up!! As I was saying, before the whiney-ass bitch opened her fat mouth, I have gathered you here today to announce the marriage of Hermione and Neville! No. . .that's not right." Ron thought what he was going to say but could not seem to remember. "Oh well! I forgot what I was going to say, but there's beer and cake over there in the corner!" He said happily as he rushed off to grab some grub for himself.
Hermione marched over to Ron in a fit of anger and said, "Didn't you have something to say about being pregnant?!" Ron thought for a second, "Oh yeah! How could I have forgotten?!" He raised his voice to address the crowd again. "Did I mention that Hermione is pregnant?!" At this, Hermione burst. "No, you fucking idiot of a friend! I'm not pregnant!" An outburst of words such as "Abortion" and "Miscarriage" were heard throughout the room. "Argh!! Are you all morons?! I'm not pregnant, and I never was!" Hermione ran off to her dormitory over-dramatically, leaving the baffled crowd behind. "Damn that perfect, never-do-wrong bastard!" Shouted the outraged 2nd year. The group began to leave, grumbling disappointedly. "Oh well! More food for me!" Thought a happy Ron as he made his way back to the cake. Just as he was about to take a bit out of the delicious looking cake, the portrait hole opened and Harry stumbled in.
"Hey mate, what happened to you?" Ron asked as Harry made his way toward him with a mysterious look in his eye.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*
A/N: There you have it! The fifth chapter up by a date quite later than I said it would be up by *is ashamed* but if it helps my case any, I had it written by the right date, but I am just a lazy person *giggles* Eh, sorry I haven't updated in so long. It's just that I've been putting off writing the story for awhile. . .I was kinda confused as to where I was going with the story, but I think I've got it sorted out. As an added bonus to my thousands (Ok, so I'm in denial) of reviews: If there's something you want to see happen in the next chapter, just include it in your review and I'll put it in there. . .no matter how strange and unusual. Make some completely random crap. And now, thanks to my reviewers. . .except tanthalas36 because I hate him. . .evil person!
Psycho-Monkey: You suck, never change! *taunts* I have my own drug dealer! You're never speechless. . . don't lie!
Renny: I don't know. . .perhaps it is Snape *cackles evilly* I guess you'll just have to read on. . .if you dare! *scary music plays in background*