This was born of a random little conversation with a friend, wherein I
mentioned to her that Peter Jackson's next film was to be King Kong. She
said that while she was sure that it would be a good version of King Kong,
she was not particularly interested in the tale of the great ape in
general, and that PJ would probably have to insert Lord of the Rings
characters into the story before she would go see it. And then I went and
started thinking..
So, Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. And I don't want King Kong.
And may Gimli forgive me for what I've done to Galadriel!
--------
We join Our Heroes as they arrive at the base of the Empire State Building:
"Three days we have trekked across this miserable city," wheezed Gimli. "No food, no rest except for a quick nap on the subway, and I have almost been run over by sixteen taxis!"
"Perhaps you should wait for the crossing signals," suggested Legolas. "In any case, I wish you had not cloven the hood of that last one with your axe. The driver appeared most upset. Still, I share your dislike for this place. The grime puts me in mind of Moria."
"Hey!" protested the Dwarf.
"What? It was filled with skeletons, orcs, darkness and a Balrog! It may have been a haven of Dwarfish glory in days long past, but you cannot deny that..."
"Legolas! Gimli! This is not the time. This place may well not be to your liking." Aragorn's eyes gleamed. "We have traveled and fought among the caves of Dwarves and the forests of Elves. But now we are in the land of Men!" And with that, he leapt nimbly to a window frame and began to scale the building.
"What I don't understand," said Legolas, following and quickly overtaking him, "is how Lady Arwen managed to be kidnapped by a great ape in the first place."
Aragorn pulled himself up to the second-story windows. "Apparently, Kong is attracted to shiny objects."
Legolas looked down to find Gimli still standing on the sidewalk, scowling. "Come, Gimli!" he cried, the thrill of the chase filling his veins once more.
"We cannot all shimmy up the side of towers like squirrels!" the Dwarf growled.
Legolas looked skyward, and squinted at the large, hairy arm waving from high atop the building. "If I am not mistaken, the ape has Lady Galadriel in his grasp, as well as Arwen."
Gimli blanched beneath his beard, and shimmied up the side of the tower like a squirrel.
---------
The late afternoon sun saw the Three Hunters 56 stories from the ground, climbing ever skyward. Though they were weary, their hands and feet never missed their mark. They never faltered, and seemed in no more danger of falling than if they strolled along the plains of Rohan. Gimli still lagged somewhat behind, pulling himself along with his trusty axe.
"Rock-climbing is a noble occupation," he said between gasps of breath, "That any Dwarf might honor. It may save a miner's life, or allow access to caverns otherwise unseen. But this scaling of smooth metal and glass confounds good sense!"
Ahead of him, Aragorn and Legolas froze as a strange, squeaking sound met their ears. They motioned to Gimli, and the three of them scampered to their left, flattened against the building and tried to look inconspicuous.
A platform, lowered by a cable, descended to the window that they had climbed across but moments before. A man stood on the platform, armed with a strange plastic blade, which he plied nimbly against the window. Water and froth dripped from his weapon.
Aragorn relaxed and climbed over to the platform, followed by Legolas and Gimli. "Window-washers of the 56th floor!" he called, "What news from above?"
Immediately, two other platforms lowered on either side, and they were surrounded. Aragorn studied the man on the first platform, and saw that his hair was cut in a strange fashion, long in back, but shorn close on top and at the front. He wore an odd blue garment that covered his legs and rose up over his torso and attached over his shoulders. A simple white shirt was worn underneath.
The window washer held his plastic blade in front of him as he eyed the newcomers. Aragorn and his companions joined him on the platform to relieve their weary arms for a moment.
"What business," drawled the head window washer, "do an Elf, a Man and a Dwarf have in New York City?"
"Wait, I know this one!" cried Gimli. "Let me see, it was something about a drinking contest..."
"No, no," interrupted Legolas. "It was a game of darts."
"No sensible Dwarf would be drawn into a game of darts with an Elf!"
"True, but therein lies the jest."
"No, it was a drinking contest!" insisted Gimli. "I distinctly remember that the Elf ended up singing and dancing on the bar."
"He did NOT!" huffed the Elf. "Why, the indignity of such an idea...!"
"Your pardon, sir!" cried Aragorn, stepping between them and the window washer. "My friends are made giddy by the height. This is Legolas of the Woodland Realm, and Gimli of the Lonely Mountain. I am called Strider."
"Well," said the washer, "My name is Elmer, of Jake & Sons Glass Cleaning Service. But I'm *called* lots of things. Now, do you have some sort of permit to be climbing this here building?"
"Nay, but we have great purpose. We are following a marauding ape who has carried off my love and a great Elven queen."
"Oh, them."
"You have seen them?"
Elmer blinked. "Everyone's *seen* them, Mr. Strider. They're all over the news. Besides, I mean, just look up. And he's left big grimy ape prints all over the windows. Very messy. Here." He motioned to one of his companions on another platform. The other washer leapt onto his leader's platform and gestured for the Three Hunters to take the other.
"I hope you catch him," said Elmer. "Take this platform, and may it bear you to victory. Because of this ape, my men and I must work Saturday and Sunday to clean the ape-prints off the windows." His face darkened. "The boss no longer recognizes weekday from weekend." His voice suddenly rose to a shout, "We ride downward!" The other platforms squeaked down to the 55th story, leaving the Three Hunters alone atop their new steed.
-----------
Atop the great tower, Arwen and Galadriel struggled in the left fist of King Kong. The Lady Arwen had been weeping in despair, and her lips had swollen to such an extent that she was incapable of speech.
"Ugh!" cried Galadriel in disgust, pounding her radiant fist ineffectually against the leather-like flesh of the beast's fingers. "That worthless Mirror showed me that I would see the world spread out before my feet.that I would ascend to heights before unimagined by Elvenkind. And this is what I get! As soon as we get out of this ridiculous predicament, I will take that bowl of deception back to the sorcerer that crafted it and tell him exactly what I think of . . ." She was cut off with a yelp as Kong waved his arm and the Elven women violently through the air.
"Stop it, you great brute!" Galadriel screamed as soon as she was able. "I am a queen! Oh, my wrath is so great that it is a wonder that I do not turn green and . . and . . and GLOW at you, you horrible creature!" She leaned as far towards his enormous ear as she could, and pointed at him. "LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!" she demanded.
The great ape turned his monstrous eye to her, and raised his other hand. Galadriel became pale, but refused to flinch. The monster reached for her . . . and then swirled one huge, black finger around in her golden tresses, chuckling foolishly.
"Ugh!" Galadriel returned to striking her captor's hand.
At that moment, Aragorn and Legolas crested the ridge of the 90th floor, and thereby came level with the beast's foot. Gimli, as ever, was one story behind.
"It occurs to me," he called up, "That there is probably an easier way to ascend this tower, if we had only bothered to check on the inside before undertaking to scale the walls!"
"You waste your breath with conjecture!" returned Legolas, who felt invigorated after a morning's exercise.
Aragorn considered Gimli's comment, looked slightly ill for a moment, then shrugged and turned his attention to the beast that held his love captive.
"How," he asked Legolas, "shall we rescue them from its grasp? It hardly seems feasible to scale the beast itself."
"It would present little problem for me," Legolas said cheerfully, gripping a fistful of the creature's foot hair and preparing to climb. Aragorn swatted his hand away.
"Nay, we will find another way. It would not avail us to reach his hand, for we could not entice him to release his grip." Hearing his own word, "grip," it suddenly occurred to him to make certain of his lady's health. "Arwen!" he called. "Arwen, my love, are you well?"
The elf-maid peered over the top of Kong's fist, still unable to speak. Legolas, whose sight was keen, flinched slightly at her appearance.
"Legolas, what do you elf-eyes see?" Aragorn asked.
"Lips," the elf replied. Then, catching the dour look on his friend's face, he hastened to correct himself. "I mean, she is well."
"WELL?" shrieked the voice of Galadriel, whose ears were as keen as Legolas' eyes. "We are not well! We are imprisoned in a great, stinking fist!"
"My lady!" cried Gimli, who had finally succeeded in climbing the last story.
A golden head appeared next to the dark one in the Kong's fist. "Gimli? Is that you? My dear dwarf, if you can free me from the foul clutches of this creature, I shall shave my head and make a wig of my hair for you!"
The dwarf blinked. "Erm..no, my lady, that will not be necessary. Any service I can perform for you is its own reward. I'll hew his hideous toes!" His voice rose to a shout at the last sentence, and he raised his axe over his head. Kong peered down, finally aware of the newcomers.
Legolas clutched at Gimli's axe before he could strike. "No, Gimli! Do not antagonize him! He has feelings, my friend."
"ANTAGONIZE HIM???" Galadriel screeched.
Kong's twisted face twisted even further into a frown, and it raised its foot to tread upon the Three Hunters. In desperation, Aragorn began shouting in Elvish at the top of his voice.
The great foot paused in midair, and Kong tilted its head to the side, listening. Aragorn tried to make his shouts as soothing as possible. After a moment, the ape lowered its foot gently, and reached down to pick up Aragorn, whose voice faltered.
Kong raised the Ranger to its own eye level and regarded him solemnly for a moment. Then with a great, apish grin, it pulled Aragorn to its mouth and laid a loud kiss directly on his face. It then set the astonished Man on its shoulder and reached down to pick up Legolas and Gimli, who were quickly placed beside their companion. The ape immediately began to climb down the building.
Aragorn scrubbed his sleeve vigorously against his face. "Every time I talk to an animal." he muttered.
Still in the creature's left fist, Galadriel turned to Arwen. "We're Elves. Why didn't we try that?" she asked. Arwen whimpered.
In a few short moments, they reached the sidewalk, where Kong gently set first the Elven ladies and then the Three Hunters on solid ground. It patted them all fondly on the head and ambled off, to wreak havoc in another part of the city.
Aragorn rushed to take Arwen in his arms. "Are you all right?" he asked.
Arwen managed to breathe out an airy, "I knew you would come for me, my love," before dissolving into tears again. Aragorn patted her reassuringly, only rolling his eyes slightly at his companions.
Galadriel addressed Legolas, "I am grateful for your assistance, of course, but why did my lord Celeborn not come to my aid?"
"He . . .he felt the need to stay with your people, my lady. They were driven into such a state of despair by your capture that he deemed it unwise to leave them leaderless." Legolas blushed slightly. Celeborn's actual words had been, "Finally, she is away! All I ever hear from my subjects is 'The Lady of Light' this and 'the Queen' that and 'How fair and radiant is the Lady of the Wood!' Who is King here, anyway? Perhaps now I shall be paid the reverence I deserve!"
"Well, what now?" Galadriel addressed Aragorn, who was studying a map, turning it this was and that.
"A moment," Aragorn pleaded. "I have forgotten which subway takes us back to Middle-Earth."
THE END.
So, Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. And I don't want King Kong.
And may Gimli forgive me for what I've done to Galadriel!
--------
We join Our Heroes as they arrive at the base of the Empire State Building:
"Three days we have trekked across this miserable city," wheezed Gimli. "No food, no rest except for a quick nap on the subway, and I have almost been run over by sixteen taxis!"
"Perhaps you should wait for the crossing signals," suggested Legolas. "In any case, I wish you had not cloven the hood of that last one with your axe. The driver appeared most upset. Still, I share your dislike for this place. The grime puts me in mind of Moria."
"Hey!" protested the Dwarf.
"What? It was filled with skeletons, orcs, darkness and a Balrog! It may have been a haven of Dwarfish glory in days long past, but you cannot deny that..."
"Legolas! Gimli! This is not the time. This place may well not be to your liking." Aragorn's eyes gleamed. "We have traveled and fought among the caves of Dwarves and the forests of Elves. But now we are in the land of Men!" And with that, he leapt nimbly to a window frame and began to scale the building.
"What I don't understand," said Legolas, following and quickly overtaking him, "is how Lady Arwen managed to be kidnapped by a great ape in the first place."
Aragorn pulled himself up to the second-story windows. "Apparently, Kong is attracted to shiny objects."
Legolas looked down to find Gimli still standing on the sidewalk, scowling. "Come, Gimli!" he cried, the thrill of the chase filling his veins once more.
"We cannot all shimmy up the side of towers like squirrels!" the Dwarf growled.
Legolas looked skyward, and squinted at the large, hairy arm waving from high atop the building. "If I am not mistaken, the ape has Lady Galadriel in his grasp, as well as Arwen."
Gimli blanched beneath his beard, and shimmied up the side of the tower like a squirrel.
---------
The late afternoon sun saw the Three Hunters 56 stories from the ground, climbing ever skyward. Though they were weary, their hands and feet never missed their mark. They never faltered, and seemed in no more danger of falling than if they strolled along the plains of Rohan. Gimli still lagged somewhat behind, pulling himself along with his trusty axe.
"Rock-climbing is a noble occupation," he said between gasps of breath, "That any Dwarf might honor. It may save a miner's life, or allow access to caverns otherwise unseen. But this scaling of smooth metal and glass confounds good sense!"
Ahead of him, Aragorn and Legolas froze as a strange, squeaking sound met their ears. They motioned to Gimli, and the three of them scampered to their left, flattened against the building and tried to look inconspicuous.
A platform, lowered by a cable, descended to the window that they had climbed across but moments before. A man stood on the platform, armed with a strange plastic blade, which he plied nimbly against the window. Water and froth dripped from his weapon.
Aragorn relaxed and climbed over to the platform, followed by Legolas and Gimli. "Window-washers of the 56th floor!" he called, "What news from above?"
Immediately, two other platforms lowered on either side, and they were surrounded. Aragorn studied the man on the first platform, and saw that his hair was cut in a strange fashion, long in back, but shorn close on top and at the front. He wore an odd blue garment that covered his legs and rose up over his torso and attached over his shoulders. A simple white shirt was worn underneath.
The window washer held his plastic blade in front of him as he eyed the newcomers. Aragorn and his companions joined him on the platform to relieve their weary arms for a moment.
"What business," drawled the head window washer, "do an Elf, a Man and a Dwarf have in New York City?"
"Wait, I know this one!" cried Gimli. "Let me see, it was something about a drinking contest..."
"No, no," interrupted Legolas. "It was a game of darts."
"No sensible Dwarf would be drawn into a game of darts with an Elf!"
"True, but therein lies the jest."
"No, it was a drinking contest!" insisted Gimli. "I distinctly remember that the Elf ended up singing and dancing on the bar."
"He did NOT!" huffed the Elf. "Why, the indignity of such an idea...!"
"Your pardon, sir!" cried Aragorn, stepping between them and the window washer. "My friends are made giddy by the height. This is Legolas of the Woodland Realm, and Gimli of the Lonely Mountain. I am called Strider."
"Well," said the washer, "My name is Elmer, of Jake & Sons Glass Cleaning Service. But I'm *called* lots of things. Now, do you have some sort of permit to be climbing this here building?"
"Nay, but we have great purpose. We are following a marauding ape who has carried off my love and a great Elven queen."
"Oh, them."
"You have seen them?"
Elmer blinked. "Everyone's *seen* them, Mr. Strider. They're all over the news. Besides, I mean, just look up. And he's left big grimy ape prints all over the windows. Very messy. Here." He motioned to one of his companions on another platform. The other washer leapt onto his leader's platform and gestured for the Three Hunters to take the other.
"I hope you catch him," said Elmer. "Take this platform, and may it bear you to victory. Because of this ape, my men and I must work Saturday and Sunday to clean the ape-prints off the windows." His face darkened. "The boss no longer recognizes weekday from weekend." His voice suddenly rose to a shout, "We ride downward!" The other platforms squeaked down to the 55th story, leaving the Three Hunters alone atop their new steed.
-----------
Atop the great tower, Arwen and Galadriel struggled in the left fist of King Kong. The Lady Arwen had been weeping in despair, and her lips had swollen to such an extent that she was incapable of speech.
"Ugh!" cried Galadriel in disgust, pounding her radiant fist ineffectually against the leather-like flesh of the beast's fingers. "That worthless Mirror showed me that I would see the world spread out before my feet.that I would ascend to heights before unimagined by Elvenkind. And this is what I get! As soon as we get out of this ridiculous predicament, I will take that bowl of deception back to the sorcerer that crafted it and tell him exactly what I think of . . ." She was cut off with a yelp as Kong waved his arm and the Elven women violently through the air.
"Stop it, you great brute!" Galadriel screamed as soon as she was able. "I am a queen! Oh, my wrath is so great that it is a wonder that I do not turn green and . . and . . and GLOW at you, you horrible creature!" She leaned as far towards his enormous ear as she could, and pointed at him. "LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!" she demanded.
The great ape turned his monstrous eye to her, and raised his other hand. Galadriel became pale, but refused to flinch. The monster reached for her . . . and then swirled one huge, black finger around in her golden tresses, chuckling foolishly.
"Ugh!" Galadriel returned to striking her captor's hand.
At that moment, Aragorn and Legolas crested the ridge of the 90th floor, and thereby came level with the beast's foot. Gimli, as ever, was one story behind.
"It occurs to me," he called up, "That there is probably an easier way to ascend this tower, if we had only bothered to check on the inside before undertaking to scale the walls!"
"You waste your breath with conjecture!" returned Legolas, who felt invigorated after a morning's exercise.
Aragorn considered Gimli's comment, looked slightly ill for a moment, then shrugged and turned his attention to the beast that held his love captive.
"How," he asked Legolas, "shall we rescue them from its grasp? It hardly seems feasible to scale the beast itself."
"It would present little problem for me," Legolas said cheerfully, gripping a fistful of the creature's foot hair and preparing to climb. Aragorn swatted his hand away.
"Nay, we will find another way. It would not avail us to reach his hand, for we could not entice him to release his grip." Hearing his own word, "grip," it suddenly occurred to him to make certain of his lady's health. "Arwen!" he called. "Arwen, my love, are you well?"
The elf-maid peered over the top of Kong's fist, still unable to speak. Legolas, whose sight was keen, flinched slightly at her appearance.
"Legolas, what do you elf-eyes see?" Aragorn asked.
"Lips," the elf replied. Then, catching the dour look on his friend's face, he hastened to correct himself. "I mean, she is well."
"WELL?" shrieked the voice of Galadriel, whose ears were as keen as Legolas' eyes. "We are not well! We are imprisoned in a great, stinking fist!"
"My lady!" cried Gimli, who had finally succeeded in climbing the last story.
A golden head appeared next to the dark one in the Kong's fist. "Gimli? Is that you? My dear dwarf, if you can free me from the foul clutches of this creature, I shall shave my head and make a wig of my hair for you!"
The dwarf blinked. "Erm..no, my lady, that will not be necessary. Any service I can perform for you is its own reward. I'll hew his hideous toes!" His voice rose to a shout at the last sentence, and he raised his axe over his head. Kong peered down, finally aware of the newcomers.
Legolas clutched at Gimli's axe before he could strike. "No, Gimli! Do not antagonize him! He has feelings, my friend."
"ANTAGONIZE HIM???" Galadriel screeched.
Kong's twisted face twisted even further into a frown, and it raised its foot to tread upon the Three Hunters. In desperation, Aragorn began shouting in Elvish at the top of his voice.
The great foot paused in midair, and Kong tilted its head to the side, listening. Aragorn tried to make his shouts as soothing as possible. After a moment, the ape lowered its foot gently, and reached down to pick up Aragorn, whose voice faltered.
Kong raised the Ranger to its own eye level and regarded him solemnly for a moment. Then with a great, apish grin, it pulled Aragorn to its mouth and laid a loud kiss directly on his face. It then set the astonished Man on its shoulder and reached down to pick up Legolas and Gimli, who were quickly placed beside their companion. The ape immediately began to climb down the building.
Aragorn scrubbed his sleeve vigorously against his face. "Every time I talk to an animal." he muttered.
Still in the creature's left fist, Galadriel turned to Arwen. "We're Elves. Why didn't we try that?" she asked. Arwen whimpered.
In a few short moments, they reached the sidewalk, where Kong gently set first the Elven ladies and then the Three Hunters on solid ground. It patted them all fondly on the head and ambled off, to wreak havoc in another part of the city.
Aragorn rushed to take Arwen in his arms. "Are you all right?" he asked.
Arwen managed to breathe out an airy, "I knew you would come for me, my love," before dissolving into tears again. Aragorn patted her reassuringly, only rolling his eyes slightly at his companions.
Galadriel addressed Legolas, "I am grateful for your assistance, of course, but why did my lord Celeborn not come to my aid?"
"He . . .he felt the need to stay with your people, my lady. They were driven into such a state of despair by your capture that he deemed it unwise to leave them leaderless." Legolas blushed slightly. Celeborn's actual words had been, "Finally, she is away! All I ever hear from my subjects is 'The Lady of Light' this and 'the Queen' that and 'How fair and radiant is the Lady of the Wood!' Who is King here, anyway? Perhaps now I shall be paid the reverence I deserve!"
"Well, what now?" Galadriel addressed Aragorn, who was studying a map, turning it this was and that.
"A moment," Aragorn pleaded. "I have forgotten which subway takes us back to Middle-Earth."
THE END.