Disclaimer of Pretentious Joy:
"We know that an idol is nothing in the world, and that there is no other God but one. For even if there
are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as there are many gods and many lords), yet for us
there is one God, the Father, of whom are all things, and we for Him; and one Lord Jesus Christ,
through whom are all things, and through whom we live." – 1 Corinthians 8:4-6
Everything written here is mine. MINE MINE MINE! Except for the things that aren't.
===============================================================
WHAT THE DILLIAD?
An Epic Poem
By the Illiterate Poet Cranas
Translated by Ziltron Djindjic
Published by Fumeiryo Kekka Productions
Book One
Oh, Avril, Queen of the Muses,
Sing to me of the grand battle
That did take place on the plains of Dul
Where the Just King Ramavis
And the Redoubtable Terawiz fought
Details at eleven
This is the tale of the Dullian's and the Clanian's great battle on the plains of the land of
Dul. The battle had raged like a fire, leaving the plains covered in the blood (and lesser bodily
fluids) of many a great hero. This ancient feud between two great nations would soon draw to
an end, as the forces of Clanius swept over the plains of Dul like a big sweeping thingie. King
Ramavis the Grand and Redoubtable Terawiz had finally sought each other out in the middle of
the battle and begun an epic struggle. I, Cranas, the illiterate poet, wrote of it:
Sudngfekiuhdjfnlgmkhsoidngkjh
Oledhsoirntfsokdj igosihroeh
Gienglkinod weo eionad
I irhodinf oifudor oiesoiheoeijh
And then my wife, Quixen of the flabby arms reminded me that I couldn't write.
This would be a portent of things to come.
Ramavis flung his massive spear (hewn from an oak tree in his homeland, Clanius) at the
Redoubtable Terawiz. Terawiz, seeing its flight, moved slightly to the left and avoided it. Then
Terawiz lifted such a rock as could not be lifted by ten strong men of today and hurled it about
five inches.
"Ha!" cried Ramaviz; "Your rock has flown a mere five inches! Soon your blood and
lesser bodily fluids will water the ground like the rains sent by the rain goddess Ni when she has
a bad cold!"
"Ramavis," said Terawiz, "Do not think that you will live to return to your home in the
great forests of Clanius. This very day, Lord Bey of the Land of Bey shall aid me in glorious
battle. For he is one of the great, high gods who do not abandon those that burn the thighs, hips,
and buttocks of steel in the honor of the gods!" and then he drew his glittering bronze sword
from its polyester sheath and charged Ramavis, crying his effeminate war-cry.
Meanwhile the gods, in their lofty home of Disneyland, were sharply divided as to the
outcome of the fight. Metro, Lord of the underworld turned to Walter, Big Papa of the gods,
and said "Wassup?"
Walter turned his Disnipian head towards Metro and said "Shut up, you inferior deity."
Metro, however, had not finished having his say.
"Walter," said Metro, "What the **** is up with you, man? Check it. Not only did you
set King Ramaviz (who indeed is a real true playa) against the Redoubtable Terawiz, causing
their 'hoods a mess of trouble, but now you're dissin' me? What the **** is up with you, punk
*** *****?"
"Thank you, Asteris, " said Walter "were it not for you, the great god of Asterisks,
Metro's foul mouth would have offended us all."
Asteris said nothing. It was his job.
Walter, the King of the gods, rose from his seat in high Disneyland and addressed the
many deities.
"I suppose you're all wondering why I called you here today," said Walter, with a
chuckle. The joke got a few forced laughs from Butkiz, god of brown-nosers. "The fact is, you
all think that I'm a big jerk for causing the land of Dul and the land of Clanius to go to war."
"REDRUM!" interrupted Carrottopious, god of bad timing and lame jokes. He was
straightway smacked in the back of the head by several of the gods.
"Father Walter," said Ni (the beautiful, yet chronically ill goddess of rain and other forms
of liquid that fall from the sky), "I don't *ACHUU! * question your starting the war, but I don't
understand *WATCHOO! * why you have sided with *SNIFFLE* Lord Bey. I thought that
the Clanians had your *ACHUU! * favor."
Disnipian Walter sighed. "It is true that the Clanians have long been favored by we gods
of Disneyland. But Ramavis has forgot the source of his power. For where do men get strength
from if not us?"
"Indeed," said Eyearess (god of accountants, taxes, and thinning hair), "He has been
tardy paying his income taxes of late. He also has incorrectly filed as Jointly Co-owning Double
when he is indeed Singly Harem Doubly Re-Owning. That silly goose."
"GOOSE! HONK HONK HONK! DIAL DOWN THE CENTER, SILLY GOOSE!" cried
all-annoying Carrottopious, right before being shot wit' a glock by Metro.
Walter of the Sable Locks frowned. He thought he had already cast Carrottopious down into
Tartarus, the underworld of eternal punishment for gods (and the source of all fish sauces). No
matter, there was always later.
"The truth of the matter is," said Avril of the improperly tied tie, "Walter got into a drinking game
with Lord Bey, god of Intoxication. If Walter won, he would receive a stein forged in the heart
of Mount Doom. If Lord Bey won, then he would get to destroy King Ramavis, who dealt him
a fatal insult at last year's banquet of the gods."
"What exactly *SNIFFLE* did he *WACHUU! * do?" said Ni.
"I believe he refused to obey Lord Bey's (who was quite a bit sauced at the time) command to
'get up on the table and shake his groove thang'."
Ni just nodded. The shaking of groove thangs was strictly forbidden by the Clainian's Code of
Honor.
ACTUAL EXCERPT FROM THE CLANIAN CODE OF HONOR:
Rule #398 - On the Shaking of Groove Thangs:
Don't even think about it.
Walter rose with a shout, but he told it to sit back down. "Slander!" he cried, "You cannot
prove that Lord Bey drank me under the table!"
Camcordious, goddess of embarrassing home movies, coughed. Walter blushed and sat back
down.
"Anyway," said Walter, "The point is that my fierce wrath has been turned against the Clanians,
and any god or goddess who wishes to disagree with me can jump off the Eternal Bridge of
Chandias." And then he crossed his arms and sulked.
End Chapter One.
--------------------------
ON CRANAS, THE ILLITERATE POET:
And thus the first chapter of the greatest imaginary epic written in Zulu concludes. No one knows why
Cranas the Illiterate first took up writing poetry. Actually, he never physically wrote down a single line of
verse (it was recorded by more literate individuals). He was one of the great oral poets, who spoke
their poems rather than write them. A contemporary of Homer, his style is most often compared to, in
the words of Harvard's leading expert on imaginary languages, "freestyle gangsta rap". Ancient
manuscripts record him as saying that he originally got into Oral Poetry "for the money".
None of his original LP's or 8 tracks are available in stores, but copies of his works are still available
thanks to Kazaa.
OBSCURE REFERENCES:
1. Tartarus, the underworld of eternal punishment for gods (and the source of all fish sauces): When
Zeus rebelled against the Titans, he threw them down to Tartarus, a place of darkness in the heart of the
earth.
Everything else should be based on General American knowledge (seeing as that's what I've got).
INTERESTING NOTE ON THE LORE OF THE DILLIAD:
1. Chandias: The Eternal Bridge of Chandias stretches across the heavens. It is the
location of the ancient struggle between Walter and the people of great height. Also
known as "The Interstate of the gods".
2. Haybaybee: Also known as "Death's subway". The underworld for humans and other
bipedal sentient mortals.
"What the Dilliad?" was originally conceived as an English project. So, my first thanks go to my English
Teacher (who at this point has no idea what I'm doing). Second shout-out goes to K.A. Rose for being
K.A. Rose (check out Startrail at www.lunaseer.com). Thirdly, I'd like to thank the Apostle Paul for
the great disclaimer that appears at the beginning of this story. Finally, major thanks go to Sake', honey-
roasted peanuts, glass, and my stuffed cabbit.
If anyone knows how to get html to work on fanfiction.net and is willing to share that knowledge with
me, I would be eternally grateful…
POST TENEBRAS LUX
"We know that an idol is nothing in the world, and that there is no other God but one. For even if there
are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as there are many gods and many lords), yet for us
there is one God, the Father, of whom are all things, and we for Him; and one Lord Jesus Christ,
through whom are all things, and through whom we live." – 1 Corinthians 8:4-6
Everything written here is mine. MINE MINE MINE! Except for the things that aren't.
===============================================================
WHAT THE DILLIAD?
An Epic Poem
By the Illiterate Poet Cranas
Translated by Ziltron Djindjic
Published by Fumeiryo Kekka Productions
Book One
Oh, Avril, Queen of the Muses,
Sing to me of the grand battle
That did take place on the plains of Dul
Where the Just King Ramavis
And the Redoubtable Terawiz fought
Details at eleven
This is the tale of the Dullian's and the Clanian's great battle on the plains of the land of
Dul. The battle had raged like a fire, leaving the plains covered in the blood (and lesser bodily
fluids) of many a great hero. This ancient feud between two great nations would soon draw to
an end, as the forces of Clanius swept over the plains of Dul like a big sweeping thingie. King
Ramavis the Grand and Redoubtable Terawiz had finally sought each other out in the middle of
the battle and begun an epic struggle. I, Cranas, the illiterate poet, wrote of it:
Sudngfekiuhdjfnlgmkhsoidngkjh
Oledhsoirntfsokdj igosihroeh
Gienglkinod weo eionad
I irhodinf oifudor oiesoiheoeijh
And then my wife, Quixen of the flabby arms reminded me that I couldn't write.
This would be a portent of things to come.
Ramavis flung his massive spear (hewn from an oak tree in his homeland, Clanius) at the
Redoubtable Terawiz. Terawiz, seeing its flight, moved slightly to the left and avoided it. Then
Terawiz lifted such a rock as could not be lifted by ten strong men of today and hurled it about
five inches.
"Ha!" cried Ramaviz; "Your rock has flown a mere five inches! Soon your blood and
lesser bodily fluids will water the ground like the rains sent by the rain goddess Ni when she has
a bad cold!"
"Ramavis," said Terawiz, "Do not think that you will live to return to your home in the
great forests of Clanius. This very day, Lord Bey of the Land of Bey shall aid me in glorious
battle. For he is one of the great, high gods who do not abandon those that burn the thighs, hips,
and buttocks of steel in the honor of the gods!" and then he drew his glittering bronze sword
from its polyester sheath and charged Ramavis, crying his effeminate war-cry.
Meanwhile the gods, in their lofty home of Disneyland, were sharply divided as to the
outcome of the fight. Metro, Lord of the underworld turned to Walter, Big Papa of the gods,
and said "Wassup?"
Walter turned his Disnipian head towards Metro and said "Shut up, you inferior deity."
Metro, however, had not finished having his say.
"Walter," said Metro, "What the **** is up with you, man? Check it. Not only did you
set King Ramaviz (who indeed is a real true playa) against the Redoubtable Terawiz, causing
their 'hoods a mess of trouble, but now you're dissin' me? What the **** is up with you, punk
*** *****?"
"Thank you, Asteris, " said Walter "were it not for you, the great god of Asterisks,
Metro's foul mouth would have offended us all."
Asteris said nothing. It was his job.
Walter, the King of the gods, rose from his seat in high Disneyland and addressed the
many deities.
"I suppose you're all wondering why I called you here today," said Walter, with a
chuckle. The joke got a few forced laughs from Butkiz, god of brown-nosers. "The fact is, you
all think that I'm a big jerk for causing the land of Dul and the land of Clanius to go to war."
"REDRUM!" interrupted Carrottopious, god of bad timing and lame jokes. He was
straightway smacked in the back of the head by several of the gods.
"Father Walter," said Ni (the beautiful, yet chronically ill goddess of rain and other forms
of liquid that fall from the sky), "I don't *ACHUU! * question your starting the war, but I don't
understand *WATCHOO! * why you have sided with *SNIFFLE* Lord Bey. I thought that
the Clanians had your *ACHUU! * favor."
Disnipian Walter sighed. "It is true that the Clanians have long been favored by we gods
of Disneyland. But Ramavis has forgot the source of his power. For where do men get strength
from if not us?"
"Indeed," said Eyearess (god of accountants, taxes, and thinning hair), "He has been
tardy paying his income taxes of late. He also has incorrectly filed as Jointly Co-owning Double
when he is indeed Singly Harem Doubly Re-Owning. That silly goose."
"GOOSE! HONK HONK HONK! DIAL DOWN THE CENTER, SILLY GOOSE!" cried
all-annoying Carrottopious, right before being shot wit' a glock by Metro.
Walter of the Sable Locks frowned. He thought he had already cast Carrottopious down into
Tartarus, the underworld of eternal punishment for gods (and the source of all fish sauces). No
matter, there was always later.
"The truth of the matter is," said Avril of the improperly tied tie, "Walter got into a drinking game
with Lord Bey, god of Intoxication. If Walter won, he would receive a stein forged in the heart
of Mount Doom. If Lord Bey won, then he would get to destroy King Ramavis, who dealt him
a fatal insult at last year's banquet of the gods."
"What exactly *SNIFFLE* did he *WACHUU! * do?" said Ni.
"I believe he refused to obey Lord Bey's (who was quite a bit sauced at the time) command to
'get up on the table and shake his groove thang'."
Ni just nodded. The shaking of groove thangs was strictly forbidden by the Clainian's Code of
Honor.
ACTUAL EXCERPT FROM THE CLANIAN CODE OF HONOR:
Rule #398 - On the Shaking of Groove Thangs:
Don't even think about it.
Walter rose with a shout, but he told it to sit back down. "Slander!" he cried, "You cannot
prove that Lord Bey drank me under the table!"
Camcordious, goddess of embarrassing home movies, coughed. Walter blushed and sat back
down.
"Anyway," said Walter, "The point is that my fierce wrath has been turned against the Clanians,
and any god or goddess who wishes to disagree with me can jump off the Eternal Bridge of
Chandias." And then he crossed his arms and sulked.
End Chapter One.
--------------------------
ON CRANAS, THE ILLITERATE POET:
And thus the first chapter of the greatest imaginary epic written in Zulu concludes. No one knows why
Cranas the Illiterate first took up writing poetry. Actually, he never physically wrote down a single line of
verse (it was recorded by more literate individuals). He was one of the great oral poets, who spoke
their poems rather than write them. A contemporary of Homer, his style is most often compared to, in
the words of Harvard's leading expert on imaginary languages, "freestyle gangsta rap". Ancient
manuscripts record him as saying that he originally got into Oral Poetry "for the money".
None of his original LP's or 8 tracks are available in stores, but copies of his works are still available
thanks to Kazaa.
OBSCURE REFERENCES:
1. Tartarus, the underworld of eternal punishment for gods (and the source of all fish sauces): When
Zeus rebelled against the Titans, he threw them down to Tartarus, a place of darkness in the heart of the
earth.
Everything else should be based on General American knowledge (seeing as that's what I've got).
INTERESTING NOTE ON THE LORE OF THE DILLIAD:
1. Chandias: The Eternal Bridge of Chandias stretches across the heavens. It is the
location of the ancient struggle between Walter and the people of great height. Also
known as "The Interstate of the gods".
2. Haybaybee: Also known as "Death's subway". The underworld for humans and other
bipedal sentient mortals.
"What the Dilliad?" was originally conceived as an English project. So, my first thanks go to my English
Teacher (who at this point has no idea what I'm doing). Second shout-out goes to K.A. Rose for being
K.A. Rose (check out Startrail at www.lunaseer.com). Thirdly, I'd like to thank the Apostle Paul for
the great disclaimer that appears at the beginning of this story. Finally, major thanks go to Sake', honey-
roasted peanuts, glass, and my stuffed cabbit.
If anyone knows how to get html to work on fanfiction.net and is willing to share that knowledge with
me, I would be eternally grateful…
POST TENEBRAS LUX