Note: I like the whole Eowyn/Legolas thing as much as the next person...who likes Eowyn/Legolas pairing...though not the people who don't...because, then, what I said above would just be contradicting, now wouldn't it? *blink* Yeah. As I said, I like them coupled and all, but I *must* do a parody of it--I must. Yes, I am "strange", "odd", and--if you wish--a bit "insane". But hey, if you don't find it funny, that ain't my problem kiddies. I'm not doing this for you.

Random kid: Then why, ass, are you placing it on ff.net?

Hahaha. Well kid, it's simple. It's--

A Whole Lotta Nothing
By: Jackass
Chapter: ekjfb784yqng983q4; Legolas and Eowyn find love
Disclaimer is as the following: I love beans--no, not Sean Bean. Just beans. I find the Bean--as in Sean Bean--offensive. For, at night, he just won't stop singing. I tell him that he can't sing, and even throw shoes at him...but he.just.won't.stop.

It was a beautiful night. The illumination of the heavens shown down upon the world below, immersing all with a silver blaze. The sky was cobalt as thin wisps of clouds curled around the moon, which hung there in the cool, night sky. And though much war, hatred, and mistrust--which is almost the same as hatred, but not quite hatred, because then it wouldn't be mistrust, it would be hatred--was still thick in the air, but the sweet scent of hope lingered, giving every creature below...uh...hope? Yeah, hope.

Legolas could not sleep, for there was a bean--no, not Sean Bean--under all his mattresses, thus giving him back spasms, thus causing him to toss and turn, thus causing him to wake...and thus causing him to cuss a blue streak because he lost the better bed to Gimli.

Damn dwarf! Legolas Greenleaf--in case you forgot his last name, I shall remind that it is still Greenleaf--was never good at "rock, paper, scissors". Gimli always beat him with paper. You think Legolas would learn by now... No, not this halfwit...

"Stupid dwarf!" Legolas kicked Gimli, next to him--no, not in the same bed...or were they?--but, alas!, all his stumpy friend did in response was bark, or moan, or something. Legolas couldn't tell. Even with his elf ears, everything Gimli said sounded like barking. Ruff!

Aragorn, mouth wide open and a fresh puddle of drool beneath his face, was sleeping soundly enough. To the elf, Aragorn's drool was like a peaceful river, flowing out of his mouth--which Legolas guessed would be the waterfall--and into the puddle below--which would be the river--and, thus, being relaxing and all with its relaxingness. Good Gord, the ranger needed to see someone about that drooling problem. Poor Arwen... Maybe that's why she was so wet and moody every morning?

Anyways, tired, angry, and annoyed with his haircut, Legolas wandered out into the hallway where he could get some air. Gord help the men that lay next to Aragorn. They'll probably drown in their sleep. The hallway was cool and deserted of any life that was human. Only ghosts of the dead and shadows walked quietly along, whispering that their doom was near...

"Where the hell did that come from?" Legolas questioned.

Where did what come from?

"The whole "ghosts whispering their doom" thing? What ghosts? Whose doom? My doom? Their doom? Your doom? The people's doom that are next to Aragorn?"

You ask to many questions. Go back to walking, damnit!

"Fine..." Legolas grumbled, stalking along the corridor. Though the cool air was comforting against his face and the stars above gave him some peace, he was annoyed nonetheless. Restless as well. Perhaps killing random people would help?

The elf stopped by a window, allowing the air of the night to stream through his hair, which is blond by the way. "No... No time to give into my madness and fall to some kind of psychotic break and kill everyone...kill...all..." Legolas then promptly shook his head. "No, none of that...tonight anyway. Hehehehehehehehehahahahahahahhoohohohohooo!" Legolas sighed contently.

With all of his psychotic and insane snickering, he failed to hear the soft footfall of the lovely maiden behind him, who seemed just as lost in her insane thoughts as the elf was in his.

"Hehehehehe! Kill everyone! I mean..." Eowyn stifled her crazy cackling, but didn't see the elf before her, who intern didn't see the human behind him, who intern didn't make out the elf in front of her, who intern liked beans...no not Sean Bean...

Thwack!--and--Slam!--and such futile things!

They rammed into each other.

Legolas so intelligently responded with something along the lines of this: "Ow, what the fuck? You stupid... I mean... Hi!"

Eowyn answered with just as much aptitude. "Holy Gord, you biotch! You just rammed into my... I mean, holy idiotic idiots batman! It's an elf!"

Legolas felt his pointed ears. "Indeed, I am an elf... Methinks..."

"Yay!---I mean, charmed." Eowyn composed herself, then stood next to him, by the window. "'Tis a beautiful night, is it not?"

"No, it really isn't. I just woke up from a lumpy, bean-packed--not Sean Bean, mind you--bed with Gimli's face in mine and with Aragorn's drool puddle flooding out the room. Sooo, how's your night going?"

"Uh... Better than yours, Master Elf."

"It's Legolas, not Master Elf. Legolas, damnit!"

Eowyn hadn't really spoken the elf's name much these past days, but now she tried, on account that he was yelling at her and forcing her to do so. "Legolas.... Legolasssss.... You're right. It does have a nice ring to it: Leeegooolasss...."

"Okay, now you're just ruining it..."

Eowyn closed her eyes to him and was quite for the longest time, causing Legolas to believe she had fallen to sleep, so he began walking away, but then she started to talk again--damn! Almost got away, eh elfy? "I haven't seen many elf folk. What are they like?"

"Eh?"

"Elves. What are they like?"

Legolas walked back to her, grumbling incoherent things, and other things that I refuse to type out of pity of the readers. "Well, for most of the year we live in forests and eat humans, but when winter comes upon the world, we travel to the "North Pole", where we are forced to build toys for little brats that don't deserve them, and fall helpless under the stern hand of "Santa Clause"."

"Really?"

"No."

"Oh." Eowyn shifted awkwardly next to the elf. "So you don't eat humans?"

Legolas shook his head, smiling slightly. "No, of course not." The elf gazed at Eowyn's neck...her lovely neck...so delicate and neck-like.... Hmmm, fresh blood. He leaned closer, closer, even closer, but then Eowyn noticed this and backed away suddenly.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to suck your blood."

"Oh, okay then." Eowyn stretched her hands out the window before her, to the midnight sky above, as if she could wrap her fingers around its beauty. "It's so beautiful out there. But I am caged within here, forever to be a slave to men. My freedom beckons me Legolas, it calls to me every--would you not do that?" She sighed while pushing Legolas' face away from her neck.

The Elf shrugged. "Primal instincts. What're ya gonna do?"

"What troubles you Sir Elf?"

"It's Legolas, and didn't we already go through this? Or do you mean besides the beans in my bed?"

"Besides the beans, Legolas." Eowyn turned to the elf now, watching his peaceful face. She hadn't noticed before, but he was certainly beautiful, with his beauty and all. "Gord, yer purdy."

"Huh?"

"Eh?"

"Huh?"

"Eh?"

"Wha?"

"Swah?"

"Did you just call me ugly?" Legolas raised a dark brow. Though his hair was most certainly light, his eyebrows remained black, or dark brown, whatever you want baby.

"Perhaps, Legolas...perhaps...." Eowyn nodded matter-of-factly. "I once thought I was in love with Aragorn you know..."

"Who, the drooler?"

"Yes... But now, I realize that he can never truly return my love, for his heart belongs to another..."

"It was the drool thing that turned you off, wasn't it?"

The young maiden sighed. "Yes, among other things. Do you know he's afraid of clowns? I mean, deathly afraid."

"Who's not?" Legolas moved away from her, "don't lemme catch you talkin' shit 'bout my dawg!"

"Huh?"

"Gord, I think I'm in love with you."

"As am I."

The two embarrassed suddenly, kissing each other almost savagely. Wark, what a picture. But, alas, there were no cameras back then, so no picture for all you perverts out there. Anyway, as they showed their love "physically" for one another, Legolas suddenly had a thought:

"How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

"My guess would be 76."

Of course neither of them could understand each other, seeing as their words were all mumbled and such.

Anyway, for no reason whatsoever, Aragorn awoke, staggering down the room he was currently in, in some sort of drunken haze. He pushed Gimli with his foot and hung over him. Now, picture waking up with a drunkard in your face saying jumbled and unintelligent things....scary, isn't it?

Gimli opened his eyes and said, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Aragorn smiled warmly. "Gims, I can't seem to find Legolas. I looked everywhere: in his bed, under his bed, above his bed... All I really found were beans..."

"Sean Bean?"

"No, just beans. So, will you help me find him."

Gimli paused for a brief, fleeting moment. "No."

"I'll take that as a yes!" Aragorn pulled Gimli--despite his protests--out of his bed and dragged him down the hall.

-das ende-

...for now....hehehehehehehehehehe....*cough*...ha...