By: George Washington--yes, he "dabbles" in fanfiction from beyond the grave *wiggles fingers insanely and makes stupid ghost sounds*
Chapter: nkd9843qbjkdsaf0278r; Wherein things happen, many things, many things which you wouldn't understand, many things which you wouldn't understand that would scare you beyond all reckoning and would make you vomit with rage and terror and would go on and on and on and on to the point of insanity. *takes breath* INDEED!
Disclaimer is as the following: The other day I found out some horrible news: Orlando Bloom and Sean Connery are the same person. Be afraid. Gord, isn't Connery so sexy? With all that white hair? *blinks* Shut up.
"LEGOLAS!!!!!!!!!"
And thus it came. A name said with such love and passion that it made one think that perhaps all those slash fics between Aragorn and Legolas might hold some truth in them. Or not, whatever floats your boat. Either way, Aragorn was running through the halls, clutching Gimli with one hand and dragging him behind, whilst waving his free hand in the air about them. Somehow, in Aragorn's mind, this would make the elf appear.
Further up that same hallway, about a few centimeters away, in the collision course with Aragorn and Gimli, and in for a lotta pain, stood Legolas and Eowyn.
"Did you hear my name?" The elf, Legolas with a Green plus the leaf, said.
Actually he asked this, for there is a question mark after that sentence. The "?" after a sentence--which is indeed the "question mark" or "query mark", if you wish--indicates the use of a question. So Legolas would not be saying this, he would be asking this. Legolas, if you would so kindly start again...
"Very well." Legolas cleared his gullet, and repeated: "Did you hear my name?" The elf, Legolas with a Green plus the leaf, asked.
Ah, much better for the prissy people.
"Did you just call me prissy?" Eowyn promptly whacked Legolas on the back of his pretty elvin head.
"No, I didn't, you prissy biotch." Legolas then smacked--not punched, for she is indeed a girl and Legolas is a gentlemen and would not punch a girl--on that back of her head.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Aragorn announced.
"What the hell is that?" Eowyn punched Legolas in the stomach and whirled around to see Aragorn and the dwarf--not hobbit--Gimli running toward them. "Is that Aragorn and the dwarf--not hobbit--Gimli running toward them--er--us?"
Legolas then repeatedly beat Eowyn over the head with his boot. "You know Eowyn, I believe you are right. And there is so little time to get out of the way."
Whilst rubbing the sore spot upon her head, Eowyn cried out, "They're heading straight for us!"
"Yeah, I think that was already established."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Legolas?" Eowyn waggled her eyebrows and snuggled closer to her elfy lover.
"You want to do it in an airplane bathroom too?"
"Eh? No, I was going to give you an ear massage, but hey, whatever!"
Aragorn and Gimli, given so little time to maneuver their collision course to another hallway, then slammed into the two before them, after about an hour or so more of screaming and running and announcing that they were coming.
"Ow!" Aragorn asked.
"I like beans!" Legolas retorted.
"Do you like Sean Connery?" Aragorn thought.
"You are soaked, you know that?" Legolas sang.
"If the river tells you to." Aragorn whispered.
"I would love to move, but a house has landed on my right pinky toe." Legolas inquired as he cavorted down a daisy field.
"Not before me!" Aragorn wept.
Eowyn and Gimli stared in disbelief at the pair as they spoke to each other using the wrong verbal words to announce what they meant, therefore confusing the hell out of the lady and the stubby dwarf.
"What the hell are they doing?" Eowyn asked. The first to use "ask" correctly after a sentence in a loooong while.
"Ah, they do this all the time when they run into each other." Gimli merely shrugged his broad shoulders. "And they really do run into each other a lot. Wanna join them?"
"Hell no." Eowyn rose up from the position she was previously in. That position was as the following: head first in a whole in the wall. For after being rammed into by the ranger and the dwarf, she ended up with her head in a whole in the wall.
"I have a better idea!" Eowyn declared--also used correctly in this sentence by the way--and pulled on both Aragorn's and Legolas' ears. "Let's switch shoes!"
"NOOOOO!" All agreed to the idea of the switching of the shoes. In fact, all were more than happy to cooperate in this thrilling new idea that they named it "Operation Switching of the Shoes". Aragorn argued that they should all switch clothes as well, but since no one actually listens to him, they only switched shoes.
After "Operation Switching of the Shoes" took place, and after ten minutes of them switching shoes with each other, all managed to have their original pair back on their feet.
"Well, this is all wrong!" Eowyn took off her shoes and beat Legolas over the head with them.
"I concur!" Legolas....uh....concurred.
So they all tried "Operation Switching of the Shoes" again and again, but ended up with the same results. After the twenty-sixth time, all dubbed "Operation Switching of the Shoes" a failure and tried another. This new one was christened "Procedure Replacement of the Boots", or, for you Germans out there, "Verfahren Wiedereinbau der Aufladungen", which then translates back to "Procedure re-installation of the loadings".
Anyhow, if you did not have boots, you were not allowed to takes place in "Procedure Replacement of the Boots" or "Procedure re-installation of the loadings", if you wish. Many found this restricting compared to the first "Operation Switching of the Shoes" because now only boot clad people could participate, whereas before all people of various shoes could.
This lead to anti-boot riots and eventually brought about the war that forced the women and children and elderly of Rohan to Helms Deep. Sad really, how it all started with "Procedure re-installation of the loadings". Tsk, tsk, tsk.
"You know, in French it's "Remplacement de procédé des bottes"." Aragorn nodded matter-of-factly. Everyone then took off their shoes and threw them at the ranger, rendering him unconscious.
Eowyn stood up again and cried out: "I have an idea!"
Groans of joy could plainly be heard. "Haven't you had too many ideas already?" A random guy called out.
"No, biotch!" Eowyn silenced this man by beating him to death with many boots. "This idea is much better! Let's all go cavorting down a daisy field!"
Unlike her previous ideas, people liked this new one and enjoyed cavorting, frolicking, prancing, skipping and gamboling down a field of daisies. Oh the enjoyment, the pleasure, the delight! Oh the--
"--humanity!!!!! For the love of all that is holy within the beloved earth that is middle, make this stop!" Legolas screamed, down upon his knees. "Why! Why? WHY!!!!"
"But Legolas, don't you enjoy frolicking? I thought elves liked that stuff." Aragorn intertwined daises within his hair. "Come, Legolas, join us...." Aragorn then proceeded to groan like a zombie, but then hoards of shoes--er--boots flew at him, rending him once more unconscious.
"Not this elf!" Legolas jabbed a finger proudly in his stomach. "I'm not the cavorting kind."
"Legolas, I demand that you cavort!" Eowyn scratched the elf behind his ears. "Cavort damn you, cavort!"
Because Eowyn resorted to scratching Legolas behind the ears, rendering him childlike and gleeful, he was pretty much useless at that moment and could utter nothing but: "Teeheehee."
"Wait a minute!" Aragorn grabbed hold of Gimli and pushed him so close to his own face that the dwarf couldn't breath. "Do you see what I see Gims?"
"Probably not."
Aragorn pointed slowly towards Legolas and Eowyn. "Look harder." The clouds grew dark overhead and a grumbling of thunder could be heard as spider-like veins of lightening streaked through the heavens above. "You see? He lives in you..."
"What the hell are you babbling about, human?"
"Do you think, Gims, that it's possible that Eowyn and Legolas, that those two right there, right there practically being pointed at by my finger, those two right there Gims, do you think that those two are an...." Aragorn took a dramatic breath, "an....ITEM?!"
"Would you stop calling me Gims!"
Aragorn gasped in the realization and at that moment the clouds parted and the grace of the good and ever-loving Gord was bestowed upon the ranger, and Aragorn could see things which he never could before, and wished he could never again. "Ah, my eyes, they BURN!"
Uh, yeah, and Aragorn could feel things he couldn't and so on and so forth. Aragorn at that moment knew everything. Or perhaps it was because Eowyn and Legolas were "swappin' spit" over by a tree, either way, Aragorn just knew, just knew that there was something going on between Eowyn and Legolas...
"Ah, probably not." Aragorn shrugged and cavorted away.
Oh, dear Gord....
Now your brain has been turned to goo. Enjoy you new source of goo.