A Whole Lotta Nothing
By: The never-ending, always fun, gourd lovin', bean hatin', opinionated bastard.
Chapter: 3928jkhj428645; Faramir comes on scene. Yes, sexy-ugly Faramir...
Disclaimer is as the following: George, George, George of the jungle, friend to you and me! George, George, George of the jungle, watch out for that tree!

Ah. Indeed. So it was, like it was before, and like it will most likely always be. George Bush is the president (don't cry, kiddies), Al Gore is still not the president and is STILL boring and Colin Powell is still often mistaken for "Colin Power!". I often wonder why. Why? Why didn't Colin's parents just name him "Fred" or "Dave" or something normal? But that doesn't have a bloody thing to do with this story.

Anyway, where we last left off, the lovely Eowyn and the "fool of a Greenleaf" Legolas were swappin' spit by a tree. Aragorn was too dense to figure out why and Gimli...well, the stubby dwarf didn't give one shit.

"Aragorn?" Gimli nudged the sleepy Aragorn, who was being sleepy by a great big oak tree that just happened to be in the field where the last chapter took place. "Have you noticed something strange with Legolas and Eowyn?"

Aragorn rubbed his eyes and yawned. "Who?"

"You're one crayon short of a twenty-four pack, aren't you?"

Aragorn stared at the strange dwarf. What the hell was a "crayon"? In fact, what the hell was a "dwarf"? As Aragorn contemplated these things, all of the current species of people that were on the field were magically transported back to Rohan, where the first chapter took place, because the magical author felt like making magical things happen. The author wiggled his/hers/its magical fingers.

"Ooh," Aragorn hummed. "Magical..."

"What the hell just happened?" The magical Legolas questioned. Yes, indeed! Legolas is magically...magical. Whatever.

Eowyn, who was too enthralled by the magically magical-ness of Legolas, simply said, "Ooh, magical..."

"No, you're thinking of Elrond. Hmm. Magically delicious Elrond..." Legolas quickly snapped out of his homoerotic thoughts. "Er... That was queer."

"AH HA!" A familiar, yet no-so-familiar voiced cried out! No! Yes! Maybe?

A collective gasp was heard. A collective intake of air followed (which is pretty much the same as a gasp, I suppose), which was then followed by a collective groan. Faramir, in all his sexy-ugly glory was standing before the group of strange and overall gay companions.

"I KNEW IT!" Faramir, the oh so sexy-ugly man, screamed. "SO! YOU ARE CHEATING ON ME? I KNEW IT--"

Legolas promptly threw a boot at the stranger's head. "Damnit, man! Stop with the friggin' caps locks!"

"WHAT...?" Faramir cleared his throat and repeated: "Ah ha! Eowyn! I found you at last! But in the arms of another? Oh, woe is me! How could such terrible fate befall me? Why? Oh, lamentations and such! Oh--"

"Who the hell are you?" Legolas threw another boot at the strange, sexy-ugly man. "Are you some kind of strange, sexy-ugly man or something? And how the hell did we get back in Rohan? And why is Colin Powell grabbing my ass?"

"Sorry." Mr. Powell, Secretary of State, composed himself and slinked away.

"Er..." Eowyn blush profusely and held tighter to Legolas. "Tee hee." She said innocently. Legolas is quite the weird elf. Think about it. His eyebrows don't match his friggin' hair! WHY?! "Legolas, I might have forgotten to mention that I'm Faramir's bitch."

"Word." Faramir tried to pose gangster style, but failed terribly and a great hoard of shoes and boots rendered him briefly unconscious.

Legolas scrunched his elfy brows. "What the hell's a "Faramir"?

"The guy lying unconscious by our feet." Eowyn poked Faramir with a stick until he was conscience again. "Faramir, it appears I no longer want to be an "item" with you. I'm afraid you must move on."

"WHAT!?" Faramor rose to his feet in an angry, fuming, enraged, furious rage. But being all those words that mean "angry" tired the sexy-ugly man out. Therefore he was no longer angry, just simply tired, weary, worn out and sexy-ugly. "WHY? WHY DO YOU NOT LOVE ME SO, MY LOVE!?"

"Uh... I suppose because Book-Faramir is so much better than Movie-Faramir, who is sexy-ugly and who has a bad attitude problem." Eowyn nodded matter-of-factly. "I guess Movie-Faramir is just too ugly for me. My taste runs more for pretty boys with nice abs."

Aragorn crossed his arms before his chest and smiled happily. "Ooh, I like those kinda guys too..."

Legolas looked around for this said pretty boy with nice abs. "Gods, Eowyn, how many other men are there?"

"I was talking about you, you nicely abbed fool!"

"Oh. All right then."

Faramir jumped up and down and pointed at Eowyn accusingly. "HARLOT! WHY? WHY DO YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH THIS SEXY ELF?" Faramir laid his hand over his forehand and sighed loudly in an exaggerated manner. "I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL! I THOUGHT OUR LOVE WOULD LAST SEVERAL LIFE TIMES AND BEYOND, AS THAT ONE SONG SUGGESTS! YOU WERE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS, AS THAT OTHER SONG SUGGESTS! WHY? WHY DO YOU NOT WANT ME?!"

"Uh, because you are ugly?"

Faramir kneeled upon the ground and balled his fists and raised them to the heavens and howled to the moon and all that stuff. "WHY?!"

"Because you are ugly."

"WHAT IS IT THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO TELL ME, EOWYN?!"

"That you are ugly."

Faramir pondered her words for quite some time, Aragorn pondered why Eowyn was clinging to Legolas (yes, he still doesn't know why...), Gimli pondered of his favorite shampoo, and Legolas pondered the age-old question "What the hell is a Faramir?" and "What does a Faramir do?". Eomer is sexy and the author is angered by the fact that his name isn't on the dropdown character menu in the Lord of the Rings section of fanfiction.net. The author pondered such things.

"I still don't know why you don't like me, Eowyn, but I suppose I will just have to get over it and move on." Faramir sucked in some air and cried out, "OH, CRUEL AND UNKIND FATE! WHY DO YOU MOCK ME SO?!"

Faramir stood up from off the ground and stared at Legolas. "Uh... Is it normal that I'm having homosexual thoughts about you, Legolas?"

Legolas laughed lightly. Now say that three times fast. "No, whoever you are. Everyone wants me. Every man, woman and inanimate object has been with me at one point or another." Legolas chuckled. Then he laughed. Then he posed arrogantly and some wind came and blew open his shirt, revealing his nice abs.

"Slut..." Gimli muttered.

"Even. Aragorn?" Faramir asked.

Legolas smiled proudly and nodded. "Yes, even Aragorn, Farmer."

"My name's FARAMIR!"

"Whatever, Framer."

Faramir gasped at the realization. "Even Gandalf?"

"Yes, everyone."

"Even...Gimli?"

"Yes, I slept with EVERYONE."

"Even Treebeard...?"

"I said EVERYONE, damnit!"

There was a strange, sharp sound that cut through the air at that moment, interrupting Faramir and Legolas' strange conversation about strange things. Treebeard came from out of nowhere and landed on top of Faramir. "Oops..." Said the big Ent.

Everyone laughed a very hammy laugh and said, "Oh, that Treebeard!"