Love me for who I am
Written by: Neeko
(tanpopo_nyo@hotmail.com)
Notes: More clarification on the plot? I suppose I was a little vague, so maybe this will take care of it. In this story, Endymion and Serenity were born and died. They were reborn as Mamoru and Usagi, meaning, they are the same people, but different, as well. The way I looked at this "reborn" situation was that they were born as M&U, but not entirely the same. Usagi is obviously not the exact same as Serenity, and Mamoru is not the exact same as Endymion. However, in ways they are. So, to me, Serenity and Usagi are the same, but since they are also different (the personality, things like that) Usagi shares both the spirit of herself and Serenity. Same with M/E. They ARE the same person, but the Serenity and Endymion still live on in their bodies. I know, my take is a little confusing, but that's the way I've always looked at it. Hopefully that clears up a bit of the confusion. ^^;
Sorry for the delay. I've been rather busy, and I needed sometime to gather my thoughts and ideas about this fanfic.
****
Chapter 3
****
It had been two days since he had left the hospital, and ever since then, the relationship between Motoki and him hadn't been the same. As he sat there, drinking his dark coffee, he could tell that his friend was feeling some sort of frustration towards him. He didn't get it.
Ever since he left the hospital, Motoki would always nag at him, trying to remind him of conversations he just couldn't remember. Then, he'd always manage to say something that would strike some sort of memory at the back of his head, but then everything would go black. He'd pass out, wake up, and remember nothing of what happened moments before his black out. Thus, starting the never ending circle...
He figured Motoki must have realized HE was the reason for his black outs, so he kept shut about whatever this "conversation" was. But it was killing Mamoru inside. What *was* it that he wanted him so EAGERLY to remember? And why couldn't he remember it at all? He was never the type of man to forget things. Well, before that car accident. But all these memories he had been forgetting had one thing in common.
That bloody "conversation."
Then, there were the dreams. Dreams seemed to always haunt him. It's the same girl as before. THE Princess. All he could remember when he woke up was that he was always acting romantic with her. Him. Not his former self, Endymion, but him. Chiba Mamoru. Getting all friendly with Serenity. He could feel his insides battling against him. What could they possibly mean? Was his subconscious trying to play a trick on him? Was it something he ate? Or could the black outs and these mysterious dreams all be related?
To tell the truth, he felt like he cheated on Usagi. Sure, it wasn't real, and yeah, they ARE the same, but inside, he felt like he was cheating. Guilt plagued him, and ripped him up in the insides. Every night, he'd have some sort of dream with her, and every morning he'd wake up, wandering what the hell is wrong with him.
"Just staring at the coffee isn't going to bring more. You have to ask me for some."
Mamoru's head rose, as he looked at his no longer silent friend. Slowly handing over the cup, Motoki took it in his hands and walked towards the coffee machine. This weird tension between them was... awkward, to say the least. Motoki returned with his newly brewed coffee, and went back to his arcade duties.
"Motoki...."
No reply.
"Motoki."
......
"Motoki!!"
"What?!" He yelled, not even bothering to turn around. The people in the arcade suddenly stopped what they were doing. The chattering, the beeping, everything. Everyone just turned, to look at the two.
"What the hell is wrong with you? You've been acting like I killed your best friend, or something!"
"Nothing is wrong."
"So, why can't you even turn around to face me while we argue?!"
"Because I know I'm going to hurt you if I do!"
So that's what it was. The boy felt guilty. Guilty for all his visits to the hospital, guilty for his black outs, guilty for, everything. That's what the tension was. Afraid. He wanted to talk about it, but he couldn't. Mamoru stood up, reached into his pocket, and dropped a few yen on the counter. Grabbing his jacket, he turned on his heel and out towards the door.
Motoki turned around, and placed on his arcade smile. "Sorry about that folks! Continue on with your games!"
****
There was only one place he could go when he needed someone to talk to. The one place where he'd feel like everything is alright again. Where all the problems would just flutter away in the wind. He raised his hand to the door, and knocked three times, while clearing his throat.
The door opened, and a familiar face greeted him. "Oh, Mamoru-san! Wasn't expecting you!"
He smiled. "Konnichiwa, Tsukino-san. Is Usagi around?"
The purpled haired woman placed a long slender finger on her chin. "She isn't here, I'm afraid. You just missed her. She said something about being at Rei-chan's. Want me to tell her you came by?"
Mamoru nodded. "Yes, please. Thank you." He bowed, and turned around and walked away. So his comforter wasn't there. He could find another way to vent his problems. Really. He could.
He ended up waiting three hours by her gate.
Just when he felt like turning home, his angel came skipping by. She was always happy. Always carefree. And that's the way she should be, forever. No problems. Nothing like what he was facing. His face lightened, as she walked up to him. Her face with concern, yet happiness that he was there. "Usako...."
"Mamo-chan? What are--"
"I need to talk to you--" He tried walking towards her, but his knees gave up from standing all day. Usagi ran towards him, and caught him before he fell. Her face alarmed with worry.
"Mamo-chan? How long have you been waiting here? Come inside, you're freezing!"
He didn't know when, but Usagi's mother had left, leaving just the two of them alone. Father dearest was at work, and her little brother was at a friend's house. Resting on the couch, Usagi patted the pillow behind his weary head. Brushing a few strands of hair away from his eyes, she got up and began to prepare tea. "Mamo-chan, if you told me you needed me, I would have come back earlier."
"It's fine..." He lied. "Something just came up, and I needed to talk to you." She returned tea in hand. Kneeling beside the couch, she began to pour it into a cup, careful she wouldn't spill.
"Is it your black outs again? The doctor said to take it easy in school. You shouldn't over work yourself."
"No... It's something else."
"Oh? What is it?" She handed over his cup, as he sat up. Taking a sip of the hot liquid, he felt his insides warm up. Letting out a small sigh, he looked over to his inquisitive girlfriend. "Is something wrong, Mamo-chan?"
"I've been forgetting things."
"The doctor said it had to do with stress."
"It can't be stress."
"Then what could it be?"
"I'm not sure... but.... it's hurting Motoki. He feels responsible for all these black outs, and my hospital visit, and everything. It's like... he's trying to help me remember, but every time he does, I forget even more." He sighed, taking another sip of his tea. "And it's really hurting him up inside."
Usagi smiled, and rested her head on his lap. She looked up at him and said, "I'm sure Motoki-kun is alright. You just need to help him see that it's not his fault. But..." Her smile slowly turned into a frown. "I wonder what it is that he wants you to remember."
"Whatever it is, it's triggering all these black outs."
Usagi's eyebrows rose to her hairline. "Really? Are you sure?"
"Well, they only happen when someone tries to get me to remember what the hell Motoki and I were talking about. Then, when the black outs are over, I don't even remember talking to them about whatever I was talking about! It's... confusing." He looked down, when Usagi removed her head from his lap. She stood up, and motioned for him to lie back down.
"Rest for a bit. You're tense. I'll try talking to Ami-chan, and see if she knows anything about your black outs. Just rest and everything will be alright...."
Mamoru smiled. She always knew how to make things better for him. "Arigato, Usako..."
****
2 hours later, Mamoru awoke. It took him a while to remember where he was. The room was dark, and it sounded like no one was around. He slowly sat up, and glanced at the floor. Usagi was lying on the floor, sleeping in a sleeping bag, curled up to a stuffed bunny. He felt guilty making her sleep on the floor.
She was so considerate of him. She always put him before her. He reached out, and touched her cheek. She looked so peaceful when she was sleeping.
"Mamo-chan..." She whispered, still deep in sleep.
Memories of his dreams came to him. He wondered if maybe he should tell Usagi about them. He felt bad not telling her about those either. Usagi was the only person (besides Motoki) that he would confide in. But this time, he had trouble telling her. To him, it seemed like he was cheating on her, even if he wasn't. 'So why not tell her?' He asked himself.
Standing up, he crouched down and placed his arms under Usagi's back and legs. Lifting her up and placing her on the couch, he fixed the blankets to make her more comfortable. The sudden movements stirred her, as her eyes slowly fluttered open. "Mamo-chan....?"
"Ah, Usako... I didn't want to wake you up."
"Are you going home?"
"Do you want me to?"
"No."
"Then I won't."
"Come sleep here with me."
"What if your da--"
"No one's coming home today. Come."
There was no arguing here. He lifted the blanket up, and lay down next to her. Wrapping his arms around her small waist, pulling her warm body against his, he inhaled her sweet scent, as his head rested on her hair. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.
***
His small head rested on the woman's lap, as the rain drops fell onto his face. "Ne... is it possible for someone to love two people at the same time?"
She sighed. "What kind of love do you mean?"
"Like... the love between girlfriends and boyfriends."
"No. To me, I think that it's impossible for one to be in that kind of love with two people at the same time."
"But what if one of them was someone you loved before and the other one is someone you love now? What if you have feelings for the one you loved before, and the one you love now?"
The woman was silent.
"So, it's possible for someone to love two people at the same time?"
She remained silent.
"Is it wrong?"
.....
"What if you can't decide? What if you love them both equally?"
....
"Or what if you think you're in love with one of them, so you choose them, but you regret it later on?"
"Maybe.... you were never in love with her."
"Hmmm?"
"The one you love now. Maybe she was just someone you needed when you lost the one you loved before. Perhaps the one you loved before is the one you love now."
The boy raised his head. "Maybe...."
"That's why, to me, it's impossible to love two people like that at the same time." She rested her head back and sighed.
"So... am I in love with you, or am I in love with her?"
"....I can't answer that, obviously."
The boy chuckled. "I suppose." He rested back down on her lap and smiled. "I just wish you could tell me... because I'm going to forget things that I need to know to decide."
......
"Serenity?"
......
"Serenity?"
......
"Serenity?"
"....Mamo-chan?"
"You're not Serenity...."
"....Mamo-chan?! Why are you saying her name...?"
"You're not the one I love." The boy stood up from the woman's lap, and began to walk away.
***
Mamoru's eyes slowly opened, to see Usagi staring straight at him. Her face looked confused, hurt, in pain. As if she was betrayed somehow. "Usako? What's wrong?"
She looked away, trying to hide the pain in her eyes. He could see the tears start to build up. "Nothing."
"Usako?" He blinked a few times, as she got up from the couch. "Usako?"
She smiled. "I'm going to take a shower," she said, and ran upstairs.
Mamoru could tell that was a fake smile. What could have possibly hurt her?
He then remembered the dream.
Written by: Neeko
(tanpopo_nyo@hotmail.com)
Notes: More clarification on the plot? I suppose I was a little vague, so maybe this will take care of it. In this story, Endymion and Serenity were born and died. They were reborn as Mamoru and Usagi, meaning, they are the same people, but different, as well. The way I looked at this "reborn" situation was that they were born as M&U, but not entirely the same. Usagi is obviously not the exact same as Serenity, and Mamoru is not the exact same as Endymion. However, in ways they are. So, to me, Serenity and Usagi are the same, but since they are also different (the personality, things like that) Usagi shares both the spirit of herself and Serenity. Same with M/E. They ARE the same person, but the Serenity and Endymion still live on in their bodies. I know, my take is a little confusing, but that's the way I've always looked at it. Hopefully that clears up a bit of the confusion. ^^;
Sorry for the delay. I've been rather busy, and I needed sometime to gather my thoughts and ideas about this fanfic.
****
Chapter 3
****
It had been two days since he had left the hospital, and ever since then, the relationship between Motoki and him hadn't been the same. As he sat there, drinking his dark coffee, he could tell that his friend was feeling some sort of frustration towards him. He didn't get it.
Ever since he left the hospital, Motoki would always nag at him, trying to remind him of conversations he just couldn't remember. Then, he'd always manage to say something that would strike some sort of memory at the back of his head, but then everything would go black. He'd pass out, wake up, and remember nothing of what happened moments before his black out. Thus, starting the never ending circle...
He figured Motoki must have realized HE was the reason for his black outs, so he kept shut about whatever this "conversation" was. But it was killing Mamoru inside. What *was* it that he wanted him so EAGERLY to remember? And why couldn't he remember it at all? He was never the type of man to forget things. Well, before that car accident. But all these memories he had been forgetting had one thing in common.
That bloody "conversation."
Then, there were the dreams. Dreams seemed to always haunt him. It's the same girl as before. THE Princess. All he could remember when he woke up was that he was always acting romantic with her. Him. Not his former self, Endymion, but him. Chiba Mamoru. Getting all friendly with Serenity. He could feel his insides battling against him. What could they possibly mean? Was his subconscious trying to play a trick on him? Was it something he ate? Or could the black outs and these mysterious dreams all be related?
To tell the truth, he felt like he cheated on Usagi. Sure, it wasn't real, and yeah, they ARE the same, but inside, he felt like he was cheating. Guilt plagued him, and ripped him up in the insides. Every night, he'd have some sort of dream with her, and every morning he'd wake up, wandering what the hell is wrong with him.
"Just staring at the coffee isn't going to bring more. You have to ask me for some."
Mamoru's head rose, as he looked at his no longer silent friend. Slowly handing over the cup, Motoki took it in his hands and walked towards the coffee machine. This weird tension between them was... awkward, to say the least. Motoki returned with his newly brewed coffee, and went back to his arcade duties.
"Motoki...."
No reply.
"Motoki."
......
"Motoki!!"
"What?!" He yelled, not even bothering to turn around. The people in the arcade suddenly stopped what they were doing. The chattering, the beeping, everything. Everyone just turned, to look at the two.
"What the hell is wrong with you? You've been acting like I killed your best friend, or something!"
"Nothing is wrong."
"So, why can't you even turn around to face me while we argue?!"
"Because I know I'm going to hurt you if I do!"
So that's what it was. The boy felt guilty. Guilty for all his visits to the hospital, guilty for his black outs, guilty for, everything. That's what the tension was. Afraid. He wanted to talk about it, but he couldn't. Mamoru stood up, reached into his pocket, and dropped a few yen on the counter. Grabbing his jacket, he turned on his heel and out towards the door.
Motoki turned around, and placed on his arcade smile. "Sorry about that folks! Continue on with your games!"
****
There was only one place he could go when he needed someone to talk to. The one place where he'd feel like everything is alright again. Where all the problems would just flutter away in the wind. He raised his hand to the door, and knocked three times, while clearing his throat.
The door opened, and a familiar face greeted him. "Oh, Mamoru-san! Wasn't expecting you!"
He smiled. "Konnichiwa, Tsukino-san. Is Usagi around?"
The purpled haired woman placed a long slender finger on her chin. "She isn't here, I'm afraid. You just missed her. She said something about being at Rei-chan's. Want me to tell her you came by?"
Mamoru nodded. "Yes, please. Thank you." He bowed, and turned around and walked away. So his comforter wasn't there. He could find another way to vent his problems. Really. He could.
He ended up waiting three hours by her gate.
Just when he felt like turning home, his angel came skipping by. She was always happy. Always carefree. And that's the way she should be, forever. No problems. Nothing like what he was facing. His face lightened, as she walked up to him. Her face with concern, yet happiness that he was there. "Usako...."
"Mamo-chan? What are--"
"I need to talk to you--" He tried walking towards her, but his knees gave up from standing all day. Usagi ran towards him, and caught him before he fell. Her face alarmed with worry.
"Mamo-chan? How long have you been waiting here? Come inside, you're freezing!"
He didn't know when, but Usagi's mother had left, leaving just the two of them alone. Father dearest was at work, and her little brother was at a friend's house. Resting on the couch, Usagi patted the pillow behind his weary head. Brushing a few strands of hair away from his eyes, she got up and began to prepare tea. "Mamo-chan, if you told me you needed me, I would have come back earlier."
"It's fine..." He lied. "Something just came up, and I needed to talk to you." She returned tea in hand. Kneeling beside the couch, she began to pour it into a cup, careful she wouldn't spill.
"Is it your black outs again? The doctor said to take it easy in school. You shouldn't over work yourself."
"No... It's something else."
"Oh? What is it?" She handed over his cup, as he sat up. Taking a sip of the hot liquid, he felt his insides warm up. Letting out a small sigh, he looked over to his inquisitive girlfriend. "Is something wrong, Mamo-chan?"
"I've been forgetting things."
"The doctor said it had to do with stress."
"It can't be stress."
"Then what could it be?"
"I'm not sure... but.... it's hurting Motoki. He feels responsible for all these black outs, and my hospital visit, and everything. It's like... he's trying to help me remember, but every time he does, I forget even more." He sighed, taking another sip of his tea. "And it's really hurting him up inside."
Usagi smiled, and rested her head on his lap. She looked up at him and said, "I'm sure Motoki-kun is alright. You just need to help him see that it's not his fault. But..." Her smile slowly turned into a frown. "I wonder what it is that he wants you to remember."
"Whatever it is, it's triggering all these black outs."
Usagi's eyebrows rose to her hairline. "Really? Are you sure?"
"Well, they only happen when someone tries to get me to remember what the hell Motoki and I were talking about. Then, when the black outs are over, I don't even remember talking to them about whatever I was talking about! It's... confusing." He looked down, when Usagi removed her head from his lap. She stood up, and motioned for him to lie back down.
"Rest for a bit. You're tense. I'll try talking to Ami-chan, and see if she knows anything about your black outs. Just rest and everything will be alright...."
Mamoru smiled. She always knew how to make things better for him. "Arigato, Usako..."
****
2 hours later, Mamoru awoke. It took him a while to remember where he was. The room was dark, and it sounded like no one was around. He slowly sat up, and glanced at the floor. Usagi was lying on the floor, sleeping in a sleeping bag, curled up to a stuffed bunny. He felt guilty making her sleep on the floor.
She was so considerate of him. She always put him before her. He reached out, and touched her cheek. She looked so peaceful when she was sleeping.
"Mamo-chan..." She whispered, still deep in sleep.
Memories of his dreams came to him. He wondered if maybe he should tell Usagi about them. He felt bad not telling her about those either. Usagi was the only person (besides Motoki) that he would confide in. But this time, he had trouble telling her. To him, it seemed like he was cheating on her, even if he wasn't. 'So why not tell her?' He asked himself.
Standing up, he crouched down and placed his arms under Usagi's back and legs. Lifting her up and placing her on the couch, he fixed the blankets to make her more comfortable. The sudden movements stirred her, as her eyes slowly fluttered open. "Mamo-chan....?"
"Ah, Usako... I didn't want to wake you up."
"Are you going home?"
"Do you want me to?"
"No."
"Then I won't."
"Come sleep here with me."
"What if your da--"
"No one's coming home today. Come."
There was no arguing here. He lifted the blanket up, and lay down next to her. Wrapping his arms around her small waist, pulling her warm body against his, he inhaled her sweet scent, as his head rested on her hair. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.
***
His small head rested on the woman's lap, as the rain drops fell onto his face. "Ne... is it possible for someone to love two people at the same time?"
She sighed. "What kind of love do you mean?"
"Like... the love between girlfriends and boyfriends."
"No. To me, I think that it's impossible for one to be in that kind of love with two people at the same time."
"But what if one of them was someone you loved before and the other one is someone you love now? What if you have feelings for the one you loved before, and the one you love now?"
The woman was silent.
"So, it's possible for someone to love two people at the same time?"
She remained silent.
"Is it wrong?"
.....
"What if you can't decide? What if you love them both equally?"
....
"Or what if you think you're in love with one of them, so you choose them, but you regret it later on?"
"Maybe.... you were never in love with her."
"Hmmm?"
"The one you love now. Maybe she was just someone you needed when you lost the one you loved before. Perhaps the one you loved before is the one you love now."
The boy raised his head. "Maybe...."
"That's why, to me, it's impossible to love two people like that at the same time." She rested her head back and sighed.
"So... am I in love with you, or am I in love with her?"
"....I can't answer that, obviously."
The boy chuckled. "I suppose." He rested back down on her lap and smiled. "I just wish you could tell me... because I'm going to forget things that I need to know to decide."
......
"Serenity?"
......
"Serenity?"
......
"Serenity?"
"....Mamo-chan?"
"You're not Serenity...."
"....Mamo-chan?! Why are you saying her name...?"
"You're not the one I love." The boy stood up from the woman's lap, and began to walk away.
***
Mamoru's eyes slowly opened, to see Usagi staring straight at him. Her face looked confused, hurt, in pain. As if she was betrayed somehow. "Usako? What's wrong?"
She looked away, trying to hide the pain in her eyes. He could see the tears start to build up. "Nothing."
"Usako?" He blinked a few times, as she got up from the couch. "Usako?"
She smiled. "I'm going to take a shower," she said, and ran upstairs.
Mamoru could tell that was a fake smile. What could have possibly hurt her?
He then remembered the dream.