Written by: Neeko
(tanpopo_nyo@hotmail.com)
Notes: I was originally going to get this chapter out a lot earlier, but my silly silly (and stupid) sister had deleted it accidentally, along with the NEXT chapter that I was in the process of writing. I'm a little bit happy because the one I had originally written I was not happy with, but I'm a little peeved because I wrote so long! Sorry for the wait.
Please do not worry when you finish reading this chapter. Have faith in good ol' Neeko. ^^
***
Chapter 8
***
His alternate reality was supposed to give him all the answers he needed. It was suppose to make everything crystal clear. It was suppose to make things better again. It was suppose to make him better.
But it didn't.
There were so many other questions he needed answered. So many things he wanted to know more about. They were somewhere in his brain, in his heart, but even though he searched long and hard for them, he could never find it. He needed help.
"Send me back. I need to see her. I need to see Usako."
He floated through the endless darkness. It was impossible to see where he was going, but somehow he knew where to go. Finally, he stopped, when he reached a white, shining door in front of him. Placing his hand on the doorknob, he opened it slightly and peered through.
His eyes widened with surprise when he saw Usagi, in a hospital room, crying. Clutching onto her crystal brooch, he wanted to run to her and hold her. 'This is it, go out and talk to her. Hold her in your arms and tell her everything.' But he couldn't. Not when he didn't know the answers. The alternate reality didn't tell him everything; it only told him a few things. He hesitated for a few moments, not knowing whether he'd get another chance to get back to her.
Mamoru turned around and slammed the door behind him. 'I can't do it yet. I need to know more.' And there was only one person who could do it. He had asked for so much already. Would she help him?
"Minako!" He shouted into the darkness.
In a matter of seconds, a flash of yellow light appeared in front of him, and the familiar blonde haired guide materialized in front of him, with the most frustrated look on her face. Hands on her hips, she glared down at him. "Why the hell did you just close the door?! You know how much it took me to get that open?! "
"Minako, I can't see her yet."
Minako groaned a frustrated groan, and shook her head. "Why not?"
"That alternate reality. It didn't answer everything. It only answered a few questions. You have to bring me back."
"Hello?!" She raised her hand and knocked on his head a couple times. "Earth to Mamoru! I DID send you back."
Mamoru pushed her hand aside and rubbed his head. "No, I don't mean back here. I mean, back in time. Back to when I met first met Usako." He stared into her blue eyes, which reminded him so much of his Usako. She looked at him, eyes saying more then any words could say. She knew she wanted to grant it, but she couldn't. She would get into so much trouble, and--
She looked up and sighed. But somewhere deep inside her, the hope and gleam in his eyes made it worth it.
'Okay, here are your options. A) Help Mamoru, watch him be happy, and possibly get fired by the PTB, or B) Walk away and have a job?' She was definitely considering B, but that last look she took at Mamoru's face, the A outweighed the B. Letting out one last growl of frustration, she smacked Mamoru on the head. "Okay baka, I'll let you have your wish. 10 minutes to watch your past, and 10 minutes to tell your Usako everything, BUT, if I get fired--"
"Tell them I forced you to do it."
"Yeah, right, like they're going to believe that. I'm a higher being, how could a MERE human like you force ME to do something?!" Mamoru sweat dropped, and rubbed the back of his head as Minako continued. "This is going against the whole point of this! You're supposed to find out the truth and deal with it. You're not supposed to go back to Usagi and tell her everything!" Minako groaned, and shook her head. "This never happened with my other clients. They just sat down like good little boys and girls and--"
"I know, I should have thought about it befo--"
Minako cut him off. "I don't get why the PTB aren't kicking my keester out for doing this. Surely they're watching, right?" She bit down on her thumbnail. "What if they've been recording me since the beginning? I'll be kicked out, fired, killed, AGH!" She yanked on her golden hair and screamed.
"Look! Whatever they're planning to punish you with, tell them to do it on me. I don't care what happens to me after, as long as I let Usako know. She has to know. She can't live life without knowing. She deserves more. She deserves to be put at rest more than I do." Mamoru gave another puppy dog look at Minako. "Please?"
She looked at him, and sighed. "Fine fine. You're lucky you're really good looking, otherwise I would have just thrown you out!" She gave him one last glare, before snapping her fingers. Mamoru instantly disappeared from her sight. Minako sighed and hung her head. "I really hope I don't get fired."
***
"Usagi-chan?"
"...."
"It's Rei. Can I come in?"
"I'd like to be alone right now."
Rei gulped, when she saw Usagi's emotionless stare look straight at her. Never had she seen her so, empty. "Okay. But, we're all outside if you want to talk. Or cry. Or say anything you want, or not say anything at all... we're... we're just here for you, Usagi-chan. Please don't forget." She was hoping for some kind of reply after that, but Usagi gave none. She just sat in the chair, head in her hands, no doubt crying. All alone in the big hospital room.
Knowing there was nothing she could do; Rei nodded, and left the room, silently closing the door behind her. Three heads looked up from their seats at the raven haired miko, hoping for a good answer. Rei shook her head, and took her seat next to Ami.
"So no luck, eh?" Minako asked quietly.
"No... It's not surprising either. I find it hard enough to speak, myself." Rei replied, closing her eyes.
"There's nothing we can do right now. We just have to let time heal her--" Ami let out a small scream when a large bang was heard. They all turned their heads towards Makoto, whose fist smashing into the wall was the culprit of the sound. Her hands shaking, eyes red from crying, she bit back the tears that wanted to fall.
"It's not fair! She fought so hard to get him back! Twice! And what happens? He dies, AGAIN! There has to be something we can do! There has to be..."
"There isn't. This isn't like when he was killed by Queen Beryl." Ami explained. "That was a mystical energy that killed him. This was natural. Well, as natural as one can get..."
"I don't give a shit if it's natural or not! Usagi-chan has the power to bring him back, right?! Why isn't she bringing him back?!" Makoto almost screamed at the girls.
"She knows the price to that. She used up a lot of her new powers in reviving us, and the world. If she uses it now, she'll..." Ami couldn't even finish the sentence. Mamoru being dead was too much for her to handle, but the thought of Usagi dying...?
Rei bit her lip, and placed a finger on her chin. "That never really bothered her, before. When Endymion died, Serenity killed herself. Usagi stabbed Tuxedo Kamen when he was evil, and killed herself along with it. Not that I want her to do it right now, but why isn't she doing it this time?"
No one had an answer to that. They only stared at the door, who on the other side was a girl who would never be the same again.
***
The tears never stopped. They kept falling from her face, one after the other. She must have been crying for hours and hours, but it didn't matter to her. No matter how much she cried, it would never bring him back.
Usagi stared down at her brooch in her lap. Just a few months ago, Luna gave it to her to save everyone. She knew she had just enough power to revive Mamoru, but...
Biting her lip, she closed her eyes. 'What if he didn't want to come back? What if he likes being dead? Maybe he's happy without me being a burden on him?' Usagi cried more, even if her eyes were already worn out. "Mamo-chan..." She whispered. "Why did you save me? Why couldn't you just let me...?" She couldn't finish. The words couldn't leave her mouth.
She wanted to bring him back. She wanted to hold him, wanted to tell him she loved him, she wanted--
...him to love her back.
"Mamo-chan..."
Sighing, she wiped the last tears from her face. Realizing just how thirsty she was, she cleared her throat and stood up from her seat. Turning around, she let out a shriek at the sight in front of her. Her eyes were betraying her. They were playing some kind of sick joke on her. It was a new enemy. It was... it wasn't... it can't....
"It can't be! You're... you're... you're not suppose to be here!!" She screamed at the figure.
"So why am I here?"
***
Mamoru stared at the angel in front of him. Her hair was sticking out everywhere, her blue eyes were red and puffy, her nose was bright red, and her cheeks flushed. Yet, she looked beautiful as ever. He studied the expression on her face. 'Was she happy to see me? Or was she angry?' He couldn't tell. All he knew was she was surprised as ever to see him. 'Of course you nitwit, you're dead.'
"How... how can..."
"Usako, I--" He took a step forward, but flinched when he took a step back. "Usako, it's me. Don't be afraid." He pleaded.
Usagi shook her head, eyes showing her anger. "Who are you?! What kind of SICK joke is this?! You're not Mamo-chan. Mamo-chan is... he's..." She clutched her chest and closed her eyes. "...dead..." She whispered. "You can't be him... you just can't."
Mamoru's eyes flickered as they caught something on Usagi's face. Streams of water began to fall from her eyes, down her cheeks onto the floor in front of her. Head hung, she wiped her tears away with her sleeve, yet more began to fell. Mamoru quickly rushed over towards her, and pulled her into his embrace. She didn't resist, but she still kept crying. "Usako, it is me."
He felt her arms wrap around his waist, pulling him closer. Burying her face into his shirt, she began to cry even harder. Mamoru's hand traveled up and down her back, comforting her, while placing sweet kisses on her head. "How are you doing this?" She asked. "How come I can feel you? How are you holding me like this?"
"Does it really matter?" He asked. She shook her head. "All that matters is that I'm here, doesn't it?"
She nodded. "I'm so happy! I thought I lost you... I thought I'd never get to see you again... I thought..."
Mamoru held her tighter, as she started to cry again. "Usako... I have so much to tell you. So many things I need to say before I leave, but all I want to do is hold you right now..." Usagi's head popped up, and stared up at him. Her face, shocked, as if someone just slapped her in the face.
"You... you're leaving? Again?"
His heart broke in half at the look on her face. He placed his hand on her cheek, his thumb rubbing away the tears that continued to fall. "I'm only here temporarily. I came back to tell you everything you deserve to know." He placed a kiss on her forehead, and held her tight. "Usako, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the all the pain I've caused you. I'm sorry for the heartbreak, I'm sorry for making you cry, I'm sorry for it all. I didn't want any of this to happen. I've just... I haven't been thinking clearly. Nothing really made sense. I couldn't tell what was what anymore. None of it was clear to me..." Looking down at her, he smiled. "...until now."
Usagi smiled back at him. "Mamo-chan...."
He pulled away from her, much to her surprise. Taking her wrist, he led her towards the hospital bed. Usagi propped herself on top of it, while Mamoru grabbed a nearby chair, and placed himself in front of her. Reaching for her hands, he placed it in his, and held them close to his face. Staring straight up at her, he kissed her hand before continuing.
"You know about my dreams of Serenity. You know I've had them since I was growing up in the orphanage. You know what she asked me to do, you know it all. But what you don't know is that I fell in love with her." Mamoru paused, when he saw the slight flinch Usagi gave. "Or, at least, that's what I thought. I grew up without knowing who I was, who my parents were. I grew up without love, without knowing... what it was. So I thought, this was it. There was some kind of feeling inside of me, some warm sensation that made me think... it was love. Everything was crystal clear. I had to find the Ginzuishou for her, so I could find out who I am, so I could be... loved."
Mamoru let out a soft chuckle, and continued. "That is, until I met you. The Odango Atama who hit me in the head with a paper ball. Never will I forget that moment. The girl who pressed all my wrong buttons, who annoyed the hell out of me and the girl who I would stop what I'm doing to tease. I found myself wanting to know you more, maybe because you reminded me of her. Then, I find out, you ARE the Princess from my dreams. It confused me. Was I with you because you were Usagi? Or was I with you because you were Princess Serenity? I didn't know the answer. I didn't want to find out the answer. I was so happy being with you, and that was all that mattered to me. I didn't want to lose you. I didn't want the pain of losing someone I loved again..."
Usagi remained silent throughout everything. Mamoru tilted his head slightly at her. How did he end up with a girl like her? She just sat there, taking in every single word he said, even if it hurt her or not. Glancing at the clock, he had five more minutes.
"Yet somewhere inside of me, I wanted to know the truth. It tried sending me messages through dreams. I would wake up every morning, with her in my arms. She called me Mamo-chan, just like you, but I called her Serenity. Every time I tried to talk about it, some part of me stopped myself. Maybe it was a defense mechanism created by my subconscious to prevent the pain? I still don't know the answer to this very day, all I know it was something inside of me. That's why I would black out, and forget everything. Pretty cowardly of me, eh? So, when you asked me if I loved you, I wasn't sure... I didn't want to lie to you. I didn't want to say yes, but I didn't want to say no. I was torn.
"So I went to Rei-chan. She was the only one I knew who could help me. I thought maybe it was some mystical force, or maybe something was wrong with me physically? She found out nothing was wrong physically, but there was some inner turmoil inside of me. She said my souls were confused."
Usagi blinked a few times. "Souls?"
"Yes. Endymion's and mine. Just like you hold Serenity's and yours. It didn't make sense. I knew I had to figure out the truth, but I couldn't do it in this world, or I would just black out, so I had to go back to my dream world and figure it out there.
"I entered my dream world, and there was Princess Serenity. It was different from what had happened before. She told me things, like, that I loved her, and not you. That the only reason I was with you was because of her. That's where I broke down. I felt so horrible, for hurting you like that. I couldn't bear the truth. Then, Rei somehow entered, and knocked some sense into me. What Serenity said made sense, but that didn't mean it was right. I had to figure it out for myself, and not let some dream tell me what was right or wrong. We woke up, and that's when you found me..." Mamoru paused when he saw the jealousy in her eyes. The sight of Mamoru kissing Rei's skin ate at her, but now that she knew the real reason to it...
Usagi smiled. "Continue." Mamoru smiled back at her.
"After I died," He paused again, grimacing at the feeling of being hit by the car. Shaking his head, he continued. "I think I was in limbo. It was some kind of darkness. There, I met a... I guess I could call her a guide. She was a being sent by the Powers that Be--"
Usagi raised an eyebrow. "Powers that Be?"
"Yeah. The big hoots up there running everything. I still don't know who or what they are, but because I saved you, they gave me one last gift. To finally be put at rest. They showed me an alternate reality, where there were no Senshi, no Tuxedo Kamen, and no Princess. It was just you and I. Would I fall in love with you as Usagi? Would you fall in love with me as Mamoru? We met the same way, but the outcomes after that... it ended when I finally told you I loved you.
"After that, I was supposed to be enlightened. I was supposed to have all the answers. But I didn't. It only answered some. Even if we are the same people, the troubles and problems we encounter change us. We may be the same physically, but mentally, we're completely different. In that reality, I was more outgoing with you. I was scared, but still outgoing. Maybe it's because I wasn't haunted by Serenity? Now, I wouldn't do any of those things that I did in that reality. I would be too scared, too afraid. Do you understand? Because of the troubles of the Dark Kingdom, I've grown to be a better person. I'm stronger than I was before, I'm wiser. I couldn't become who I am right now, if it weren't for overcoming the Dark Kingdom. The alternate reality me would never experience what I'm experiencing. It's kind of the same with Serenity and Endymion. Although we may be the same physically, the events we go through change who we become. So, in a way, we are the same, but in a way, we're not.
"So, I had asked the guide to send me back. Send me back in time, to when we first met. I watched everything happen again, and felt everything again. Said every word again, I did it all again. I then realized..." He gave her a smile, and looked straight into her eyes. "I fell in love with you the moment I first met you."
Usagi's eyes widened, as tears began to fall down her face. "You... loved me?" She whispered almost inaudibly, but Mamoru heard. He nodded.
"I just never knew it. I remember feeling my heart beat a thousand times in one second. I remember thinking you were so beautiful. I remember thinking I wanted to know you more. I wanted to have you in my life, but I was so focused on Serenity, that I pushed away those feelings. I hid them in the depths of my heart. They were still there, just hidden, buried. At that time, everything was about Serenity, yet slowly and slowly these feelings I tried to hide kept coming back. Every time I would see you again, every spat we would have. I'd feel those same feelings when I would save Sailormoon. Some days, I would find myself even forgetting about the princess, and all I could think about was you. I don't know how I could have forgotten this, because I remember now that I couldn't stop thinking about you...
"In one of my dreams, I asked Serenity if it was possible to love two people at the same time. After this whole ordeal and after finally remembering what I felt when I first met you, and those feelings I felt afterwards, I realized that I was never in love with the Princess. It was Endymion's soul inside of me, trying to awaken and trying to reach out to Serenity. It made me think that I was the one in love with her, but I never was."
Mamoru stood up, as Usagi's eyes followed him. He put his face in front of hers and lightly tapped her nose. "I, Chiba Mamoru, have always been and always will be, in love with Tsukino Usagi."
And with that, Mamoru pulled her face towards his, and pressed his lips against hers. Caught by surprise, Usagi first remained still, as Mamoru's lips caressed hers so sweet and gently, but soon she began to kiss him back. Her warm lips touching his were sensations he had missed. Not separating from each other, Usagi stood up, and wrapped her arms around his neck, standing on her toes to decrease the difference in their height. Mamoru wrapped his arms around her waist, his fingers touching her skin between her skirt and shirt. Usagi giggled slightly at his touch.
"Mamo-chan, I love you... I always will. I'm just so happy you feel the same..." She said, looking up at him.
"I'm sorry it took me this long to realize it. I just wish I had realized it sooner." His eyes traveled towards the clock, and widened when he saw he had one minute left. Usagi's eyes followed his, and turned her head towards the clock. She looked back at him, and gasped. "Usako, I don't have much time left..."
"When... when do..."
He closed his eyes. "5:00AM." Mamoru looked down at her, as Usagi's face alarmed with panic.
"No! That's one minute from now! You can't..." She was cut off when Mamoru pressed his lips onto hers again. It was fierce, full of passion, yet gentle and caring. She kissed him as much as she could, lips and tongue tasting and savoring all she could, knowing this could be the last time he'd ever do this to her.
Running her hands through his hair, Mamoru pulled away, and began pressed soft kisses trailing along her jaw line, to her neck. Usagi moaned quietly, as his hot breath brushed against her delicate neck. "Mamo-chan..." She whispered. Never have or never will a man make her feel like this ever again. "You can't go..." She pleaded.
His mouth returned on her swollen lips. His tongue brushed against hers, as he savored her sweet taste. Pulling away from her lips, he stared at the golden goddess in front of him. Her hair, her eyes, her nose, her lips, her neck, her clothes, her legs, everything about her, he'd miss. Inside his mind and heart, he had taken a picture of her to always remember her by. His fingers brushed against her lips, as she breathed heavily. "Usako, I'll always love you. Even if you forget about me, even if you find another man--"
She shook her head and held him. "I'll never love anyone like I loved you. I'll always love you, I'll never forget about--"
"I want you to live life. Don't waste it mourning for me. Find a man whose worthy of your love, and be with him. Have kids, get married. Just remember that I'll always be here for you if you need me. I will always love you, no matter what happens. Death, nothing, will change that." She looked up at him with the most shocked face, but he stood firm by what he said. "I love you, Tsukino Usagi."
"No, I can't lose you again... I can bring you back!" She pulled away, and turned away from him, looking around the room. Running towards the bed, she grabbed her brooch and ran back towards him. "I'll bring you back, Mamo-chan, with the silver crystal. I'll bring you--"
He placed his finger on her lips and shook his head. "It will kill you. You used most of its power reviving everyone. And you can't bring me back. My death wasn't mystical." The look on her face pained Mamoru. Usagi looked as if she had just been shot. Wrapping his arms around her again, he rested his head on hers. He felt her whimper, and felt a familiar wetness on his chest, as Usagi started to weep again.
"How can I live without you?" She asked.
"You can. And will." Somehow, she would. It pained him that he had to leave her, but he'd rather have it this way, than have her be dead. He took one last glance at Usagi, his princess. He tilted her chin up, leaned in, and placed one last kiss on her rosy lips.
Usagi didn't close her eyes, knowing the moment she'd open them he'd be gone. She watched as he began to slowly grow transparent. The feeling of his lips began to slowly disappear. "Mamo-chan..." She whispered. He opened his eyes one last time and smiled at her one last time.
"Aishiteru." He whispered.
Usagi's eyes widened when she began to see right through him. She held out her hand to touch his face, but it went right through him, and before she knew it, he had completely disappeared from her sight.
"Mamo-chan!!!" She screamed, trying to wrap her arms around where he had just stood, but her arms only wrapped around herself. She felt her tears fall again, as she fell on her knees and began to cry. "Mamo-chan, Mamo-chan... Mamo-chan!!"
He was gone. He was actually gone. This time, he was really gone. Right after he told her he loved her. 'How am I supposed to live with out you, Mamo-chan? How am I supposed to wake up every morning knowing what I had, knowing what could have...' She slammed her fist on the ground and screamed. "Why did this have to happen?! Why did you have to save me?! Why couldn't you be alive right here, right in front of me, kissing me and holding me...?"
A twinkle caught the corner of her eye. Turning her head, she stared through her tears at the crystal brooch that had fallen from her hand. Grabbing it, she wiped the tears away from her eyes, and got up. 'I don't care what he said, I can bring him back! I know it!'
She ran out of the room, past her friends who called out to her, past the doctors and nurses who told her to turn back, and past the security guard that protected the morgue. She didn't care who stepped in her way, she was going to do what she had to do.
She reached the room where Mamoru's dead body lay. She stared down at the dead, cold body with emotionless eyes. Mamoru lay motionless, with numerous cuts and bruises all over his body. She brought a hand to her mouth. She felt like vomiting. Why did he have to die?! His light was taken away from him. A man who used to be full of love, life, who had so much in store for him, had it all taken away in a single moment.
She held out her hand, with the brooch in it. "I'll bring you back, Mamo-chan. I promise." Closing her eyes, she chanted, "Moon Crystal Power, Make up!!" She waited for the cleansing light of the Ginzuishou to shine upon his body and bring his soul back. She waited, and waited, and waited...
...Yet nothing came.
"Moon Crystal Power, Make up!"
...
"Moon Crystal Power, Make up!"
Nothing happened.
"Moon Crystal Power, Moon Crystal Power... Moon CRYSTAL POWER!!" She desperately cried to the crystal, but nothing happened. Carelessly dropping the crystal, she brought her hands to her eyes as she began to cry again and fell to the floor on her knees. Her whole world shattered again.
Mamoru was right.
She couldn't bring him back. Ever.
Usagi closed her eyes, her whole world sucked into a blanket of darkness, and she fell to the floor unconscious.