Fandom: X / Tokyo Babylon
Title: Rikoteki na yume.
Pairing: Seishirou + Subaru
Rating: PG
Description: The makings of a Sakurazukamori... (made for Seishirou's birthday.)
Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own TB, but she does own Shinta and any non-related TB characters throughout the fic. I don't own the song at the beginning for it is Donna Summer's "MacArthur Park".
"I will take my life into my hands and I will use it
I will win the worship in their eyes and I will lose it
I will have the things that I desire and my passion flow
Like rivers through the sky.
Oh, and after all the loves in my life,
After all the loves in my life,
You'll still be the one
And I'll ask myself why."
Rikoteki na yume. (Selfish dream.)
By miyamoto yui
Epilogue - Watashi ni totte… (For me…)
I'd never seen Subaru so flustered before.
And because of it, some part of me felt that I had to do something about it.
I had seen him embarrassed and I'd seen him smiling, but I'd never seen him so nervous to the point that he was about to freak out. It was amusing, but I couldn't help but feel peculiarly jealous that someone else was making my prey react so strongly, even stronger than my teasing.
In the back of my mind, I thought, "I have to try harder."
Hokuto was at a loss as to what to do with him, so she kept on patting his head as she sat in the back seat of my van. "Subaru, I understand why you're freaking out, but I'm sure he's fine."
"That's my…my Shinta," he said as if he were hesitating to say any more on the subject.
As for me, I knew it was part of my plan to have him completely trust me and then destroy him when I had him in my spider's web, but there was something about this boy that made me want to do something whenever he looked distressed. All I knew was that some part of me was hissing, and scolding the other part of me for being a fool and driving all the way to Kyoto.
It wasn't that I disliked Shi-chan. No, I actually was quite fond of him because he looked like Subaru when he was little, when we made our bet. However, I couldn't help but think that there was something more that he made me remember.
It was as if he were bringing back a lost memory with all its sweetness, but equally with all its
expected pain.
All in all, he was an interesting child, and if this was the feeling of affection, then that was the best I could describe it. He was quiet, but his eyes were always looking for something.
Most of the time, you could tell it was Subaru that the boy wanted.
It rivaled that of my own want for Subaru. Truly amusing indeed…
+/+/+/+/+/
While we were waiting in the van, Hokuto draped her hands over my shoulders and sighed. "That Subaru~! Always worrying me!"
"Shouldn't you go in to see your grandmother too?" I glanced back at her while patting her hands. "I take it you've not been here for a long time also?"
Hokuto's genki expression betrayed her anguish. She sighed as she put her chin on my shoulder. She wouldn't even look at me. "Not today. Today's not a good day."
"Then when would it be a good day, Hokuto-chan?" I questioned her, wondering at the same time if she was still uneasy about me being with them at their 'home base'.
She closed her eyes. "It is never a good day."
"Why is that?"
Hokuto only became serious when she couldn't take something anymore. She was always fragile that way.
I wondered why she trusted me so much despite all her verbal warnings, even when they were caked with knives pointed to my neck. I liked that part of her.
"When you're the twin that the family doesn't need, you'll understand." She opened her eyes and tried her best to grin at me through her misery.
"I'm sure that's not true," I reasoned, trying to comfort her.
"Only Subaru needs me. That's what it all comes down to. That's why I don't really care for anyone else…" Then, she began to light up as if she just remembered something truly special. "But there's you and someone else."
"Does Hokuto-chan have a boyfriend I don't know about? I don't think I like that." I chuckled as I gave her a side glance. "If I'm exclusively Subaru's, then I'm automatically yours also. I don't like sharing with other people very much."
Hokuto only smiled at me and her high-pitched laugh rang inside the walls of the van.
I always enjoyed her strange way of laughing. It always made me think, "Why is she having so much fun? How?"
I wanted to learn to laugh that way.
"Subaru-kun sure is taking a long time," I commented as I glimpsed at my watch.
"Grandmother told him not to come, but he came anyway. If I didn't know any better, he's negotiating."
I gave Hokuto a surprised face. "He'd actually take his cousin even though he has a cold?"
Hokuto's smile became even more superior-looking. "You don't know what he'd do when it comes to Shi-chan. I'd say he's your rival in Subaru's affection."
I knew I liked this girl. She read everything so well.
The naïvete between the two twins was sucked all by Subaru and Hokuto, as the older sibling, was left to carry the double meanings to everything around them.
"Yes, so I've experienced," I laughed to myself.
"I gave Shi-chan his red strip of hair," Hokuto proudly announced.
"So I've heard. Why'd you do that?"
"So that he'd remember." Instantly, her eyes gave the impression of being subdued again.
"Remember what?"
Conveniently, before she could answer me, Subaru carried his cousin in a blanket towards us. With slightly red eyes after an obvious crying session, he came to the van and switched seats with Hokuto. He was holding onto his cousin and bowed his head. "Thank you for waiting and I'm sorry I didn't say that I'd be bringing Shi-chan with me."
"Don't worry about it," I told him as I looked at his green eyes through the rearview mirror.
Subaru smiled at me as Hokuto started patting the blanket over Shi-chan. "I haven't seen you in so long and you don't even hug or kiss me?"
Shi-chan weakly smiled as he nodded his acknowledgement of her. "Su."
I looked at the weak child through the rearview window for a second as I turned on the engine. I said nothing, but my chest felt so grave with burden.
Those half-closed eyes looked so weak.
The Subaru-kun I kissed so many years ago looked like that in his state of dreaming…
That child always made me remember the Subaru of so long ago and made me react as if I was a teenager all over again, seeking those warm, damp lips to melt the coldness I developed inside of me.
+/+/+/+/+/
When we got back to their apartment, I was carrying a bag of things that Hokuto said we needed for Shi-chan, with my recommendations of course.
We were a funny scene. Hokuto opened the door and Subaru walked in with the bundle in his arms while rubbing his cousin's hair softly. "It's all right. I'm here. Su's here."
And then I came in like an overworked husband who had been made bellboy. I followed Hokuto to the kitchen as she set all the things on the counter in order to figure out what to do first.
I headed over to Subaru's room.
He'd placed Shinta in his bed and the red blanket to one side. The childishness of Subaru was still with him, but some of it was also gone.
Subaru was growing more and more, with or without me.
It was something that I couldn't accept.
"Hokuto-chan's preparing some porridge and medicine," I informed as I walked over next to him.
I placed my hand on Subaru's shoulder as he looked up to me and patted my hand. Then, he held onto it. "You think I'm overreacting, aren't you?"
"I'm just perplexed as to why you go so far for everything. Even though I understand the situation, it still amazes me how you act sometimes."
"Only I know how he feels."
Subaru had a pensive expression that tried to hold something back from me. It was a look that never touched his face whenever he was with Hokuto, fearing of worrying her more than she already did. The only thing I could do was stand there, trying my best to think of a way to make him laugh.
The kid wasn't dead or in critical condition. He was just fatigued, but as to what, I did not know. All I could feel was that he was so exhausted by whatever he was doing that he couldn't handle the impact.
Shi-chan blinked his eyes and looked at his surroundings, confused as to where he was. I began to smirk as a flash of Subaru waking up in my arms after I had put him to sleep came to mind.
"Su," Shi-chan said as Subaru patted his head with a smile. "How are you feeling?"
The child blinked at him, a grimace on his face as he reached out to hug my Subaru. Subaru complied to the hug and closed his eyes.
I sat on the bed and said, "When you get better, we'll go out together."
His profile was facing me. He grabbed onto Subaru's clothes with his fists and that single green eye looking at me smiled along with his lips.
When the little boy blinked at me, a glint of amber came out.
I couldn't hide the shock on my face.
Where had I seen this before? Why did I feel like I knew this kid as someone more than Subaru and Hokuto's cousin?
When Hokuto came into the room, Shi-chan immediately turned his head towards Hokuto. "Supa!" he weakly announced.
"Yo, kiddo!" she said as she took him from Subaru's embrace. She poked his red strip of hair and smirked.
"Supa?" I asked as I looked up to Hokuto. "I thought he only said Su?"
"He's recently learned my name as Supa instead of Hokuto," Hokuto looked at the pajama-clad little boy who seemed to be laughing at her wave of affection. They touched nose to nose.
So this was what would happen if Hokuto ever had a child?
And was this normal behavior for women towards children? I wondered…
As we were heading to the kitchen, Subaru explained, "It's for 'sparkle'. Fits, doesn't it?"
But if they never met, how did they know one another?
Telepathy? But did Hokuto have that power?
When we ate, Subaru started feeding Shi-chan, who was on Hokuto's lap. I watched them and grinned, blurting out, "Was Subaru like this when he was little?"
Subaru blinked at me for a second and blushed. Hokuto immediately answered, "Never ate this much. Fussed so much about food, you can understand why he's so damn thin."
I began to laugh as I poked Subaru on the shoulder. "How come you're not speaking up?"
"No one really asks me those kinds of questions." He continued to feed Shi-chan and himself.
"So what did you do, Hokuto-chan?" I took a bite of my dish.
"I got scolded a lot for running around." She giggled and elbowed her brother, "Remember, Subaru?"
"She's actually proud about how many times she's eluded the guards." Subaru shook his head in mock shame. "Tsk. Tsk. Tsk."
"My mother and I used to play a game," I told them as I took another bite of rice. "It was a form of hide and seek."
"Oh?" Hokuto said as she looked at me with curious eyes.
"We used to run all over the parks and I hid while she searched for me. Then, we would reverse roles when she found me." I looked down at my plate with a nostalgic smile. "I never got tired of that game."
Loudly, she laughed while patting my shoulder. "That's good practice for chasing Subaru here."
Subaru looked up to his sister's eyes. He turned even more red. "Okay, take this from my point of view okay?"
Leaning towards Shinta, he lifted up his index finger. "Give me a moment."
He turned to me after putting his chopsticks down. As crimson as ever, he pulled on my collar with one hand. Then, he stared into my eyes and turned towards Hokuto. "Satisfied?"
I couldn't help but smirk while Hokuto laughed with a comment of, "We're finally getting somewhere!"
If only I had some chocolate on me…
Shi-chan clapped his hands together.
Subaru patted the kid's head. "Don't support them."
Letting go, Subaru continued to eat with a smile on his face. "Can't have you guys win all the time."
As we were laughing and talking, I looked at all three of them and wondered how long this would last. Was I becoming too attached to my prey?
That was a definite yes since the first time we met, but I didn't think I could get this involved.
That was your fault, Ian.
But some part of me was relieved. Was this what it meant to be 'normal'?
They were doing this to me. They were making me believe that this vet was who I truly was.
I wasn't an assassin at all. That was someone else with the same name.
But I couldn't do that at all. This wasn't for me, and yet, I was enjoying it.
There were many things I had yet to learn…
While Subaru and Hokuto were preparing to go to sleep, I took the book Subaru gave me. I glanced over it while sitting on the bed. Shi-chan immediately sat in my lap and looked up while pointing at the book. "Sei-chan?"
I looked down at him and smiled.
"I've never really taken care of kids before…" I started to say and chuckled at the innocence that surfaced from deep inside of me.
For a moment, I felt that I truly understood my mother. How all personalities of assassin, mother and woman could live inside of her.
Shi-chan just tugged on my shirt as he coughed. I rubbed his back and opened up the book to start reading. "Mukashi mukashi…"
I kept on reading and I got really into it, but then that feeling came back to me.
This child looked like Subaru…
…but I didn't like him because of that. I felt that he was tugging at me as if he knew something that I didn't. That he could see through me.
That I was only a person he got along with.
Not as Seishirou, not as the assassin…I wondered what this meant.
Shi-chan then began to hug me as his eyes were drooping a bit.
As I watched that sweet face, I questioned, "Could someone truly love you unconditionally?"
Subaru and Hokuto came in and we began to read parts of the book. When Hokuto took the book, she acted it out because she knew the story too well. Subaru would hold Shi-chan as I had done, but they would also play a game as they read the book.
Afterwards, we put Shi-chan to sleep.
"Good night, kid." I touched his hair and he nodded sleepily.
Subaru kissed him on the forehead. "Sweet dreams."
Hokuto wanted to spend some time with him so she hugged him as he fell asleep.
"Okay, you guys. I'll take care of it from here," she whispered to us.
As we were leaving, we heard her say, "I remember when Subaru and me were like you. We would drive grandmother crazy because we…"
When we were in the kitchen, I commented, "I kind of want to hear Hokuto-chan's story."
I wanted to know more about my prey. I wanted to break you completely, but I also wanted to be the only one who knew you more than you knew yourself, Subaru…
Subaru drank a glass of water. With a shy smile on his face, he tilted his head. "I want to know more about you, Seishirou-san."
I smirked and immediately teased, "So forward."
He coughed as his face turned red while he turned away from me. "I think I deserve that much. Only this much, Seishirou-san."
As he put the cup in the sink, he was silent. He still had his back towards me as he kept his hands on the rim of the sink.
"All right," I found myself saying.
That lonely tone of his…
Whenever he pleaded with me, I never could say no to him. It called to me, killing a hundred times worse than my best work.
Subaru looked in my direction and grinned hopefully. "Really?"
He came up to me and patted my hands. "You're not lying, are you?"
Those eyes were shining up at me as they had done so many years ago. So full of hope at seeing through the darkness…So full of fear of the truth…
Quietly, I softly smiled and nodded my head.
But how was I supposed to describe anything? What could I tell him about myself?
After all this, I knew he would hate me, but I would enjoy my company with all of them, especially him.
You're going to become my ultimate sacrifice, but also my most prized possession.
My greatest masterpiece.
"I'll tell Hokuto-chan we're going out for a walk," he said as he hugged me with his arms over my neck.
Letting go, I saw a smile on his face. For a split-second, it made my heart skip a beat.
But the more and more I brought you closer to me, the deeper the invisible scar inside both of us would become…
+/+/+/+/+/
We ended up walking to a park that seemed abandoned with all the silence around us. Like an old couple, we ended up sitting on a bench overlooking a lake.
"How can you take care of animals if you're supposed to be an onmyouji user, Subaru-kun?" Leaning back, I looked at the sky above us.
"I'll make it work," he said with a determined tone.
"You'll have to sacrifice one thing." I got up and leaned my arms on the railing.
"Why?" he asked with confusion in his voice.
I took a stone from the ground and threw it. It made ripples and I sighed.
I didn't know how to advise him.
Wasn't I in the same position?
"There are some things you can't fight against."
It wasn't much of a piece of advice, but it was all that I could say from experience. Mother, Ian, Akira…
"I have to, Seishirou-san," Subaru said with a little more courage.
He probably didn't know what was up ahead, but he could feel it with his whole being. He was trying his best to defy it.
Maybe you will, Subaru…
"My mother was forced to carry on the family business even though she didn't feel up to it. After all, she was the first female to do it." I sighed as I recalled the little tidbits that my mother told me in different parts of my life. "She didn't tell me very much. I had to piece everything as much as possible."
I glanced back to find Subaru nodding solemnly in agreement and understanding. "The same for mine."
I didn't know if I should have understood that his mom was the female heir or was she as secretive as mine. Maybe it was both.
"My mother was odd, some would like to say, but I don't believe any of it. I felt that she did the best that she could."
"What happened to your father?" Subaru looked at me curiously. "I know mine had to travel from place to place. Then, he died because of an accident."
"My mother told me he died because of love," I simply said. "The one you love the most is the one you'll sacrifice. I didn't understand and I still don't understand this, but I continue to try to understand this answer. All I want to ask her is, 'What? Why do you have to kill something in order to attain something else? Even at the cost of your life?'"
Then, I looked away, "I don't believe in things like life or death. I don't think there's a difference between anything, just what we make them out to be."
"I think that's true, Seishirou-san." Subaru got up and stood next to me. "And maybe that's the answer."
"What?" I asked, a little lost. I was a bit comforted by the fact that we could talk like this and that I didn't have to be perfect.
I was only myself, whomever that was.
"Until you get over the obstacle, you won't know what you'll get. Good or bad, it's worth pursuing if you feel it's worth the effort." Subaru smiled as he leaned his head on my shoulder.
I slowly nodded as I looked at him silently.
I knew it…
I took a deep breath and began to smile in a way that I'd never felt before. It felt light and not forced at all. It wasn't a smirk either.
I knew you knew the answer…
After all these years, I knew I just had to wait…
I didn't know why, but I knew it had to be you to give me this response that pieced things together.
"I wonder…." I said with a grave tone. "I always wondered if I never was alive, what would have happened to my mother."
I didn't know why I was going to tell him this of all things, but this was what came out of my mouth. It was fate, wasn't it? As always.
"Why?"
"You see, Subaru-kun," I started to explain with a knot building inside of my vocal chords. I cleared my throat and then continued, "I was born with a twin brother. His name was Joshua. They named him after a tree of some sort. He was my older brother, but he died before me.
"Mother didn't know what to do about this. She thought it was the curse of what we did to survive in this world. And so, I was named Seishirou with both of the characters for 'life' and 'death' in my name.
"Then, shortly after my father died. She went crazy, as others would like to say. When you lose almost all that's precious to you, wouldn't you go nuts too? And then, the little that you have left, you keep so close to your heart that you unconsciously want to kill it out of fear and selfishness.
"Only I understood her twisted logic. Things made perfect sense when she explained them to me. But then came along this kid to mess up my life.'"
I leaned my head over Subaru's.
I didn't know if he understood or not, but I didn't care. He would with time.
Like with all the things in my life, they would make sense in the end and I would figure out its meaning later…
"Seishirou-san…" Sighing, Subaru pushed his head onto my shoulder.
I turned him towards me and looked at him straight in the eye. And I knew that no matter what the consequences this would bring, I would tell him.
"Do you know who I really am, Subaru-kun? I pretend I let you know, but I don't even know sometimes."
"I…I don't understand…" He watched me in confusion.
I then took off my glasses. "Tell me what do you see."
With a firm answer, he said to me, "I see Seishirou-san."
"Don't you remember me?" I persisted as he looked at me with eyes ever more bewildered.
"Remember you?"
My lips closed as I observed him. I felt the same as I did on that same day in Ueno Park when he asked me about the people buried under the sakura tree.
"Don't they feel pain?" he asked me.
At that moment, the same thing ran through my head, "Yes, they do, but they'll never get to admit it."
"You have to kill me to have me," I said in a joke that held nothing but the truth.
He gave me a concerned expression, trying to comprehend everything all at once.
"You seem to misinterpret me, Subaru."
He shook his head.
With an honest smile, I told him, "The one who saves usually wants to be saved."
"I don't want to be saved," Subaru replied to me.
"Then let me become your sin." I smirked at him the same way I did when we were much younger.
Then, a spark of recollection came to his face, but before he could answer me, I kissed him to put him back to sleep.
It was sweeter than I had ever expected and far surpassed my imagination…
+/+/+/+/+/
People tell you that you see your life flash before your eyes when you die. Maybe I'll never be like other people. Never was and never will be…
But this was the memory that came to me at the moment you pushed your hand through me. It was at that moment I understood everyone and everything around me.
Why things had to be the way they were…
As I looked up to Subaru's face and explained to him about the curse of his sister, I now knew why I always looked for him. I didn't know who I was and so I meandered through this godforsaken city trying to find that person, but it all came back to you, Subaru.
With this thought, I smiled as widely as I could, with all the pain and happiness I kept deep inside of me. It was the same smile I gave him when I was the vet he innocently dated so many years ago.
He gave me a shocked look as if he never expected to ever see this again.
"You are…" I leaned up to his ear and whispered to him almost as if I could chuckle, "…always the same."
You were always strong, Subaru, that's why I picked you. I always felt that I looked outside of myself whenever I didn't want to feel something, that it happened to someone else and not me.
But I was wrong.
Today, I didn't turn away from the pain or the happiness…
My life was going as I felt the blood draining from me. I felt colder and colder. Then, I thought of myself in Ueno Park just a few days ago when I touched the trunk of the sakura tree we met under…
I met a little boy.
And I knew he'd be my undoing.
Let's live in delusion, you and me.
We laugh and smile at one another to find that
We're closer than we think.
I want to touch you,
To make love to you,
Even if it's against both our wills.
Pouring myself out to you
I drink in your pain.
I understand you like no other.
Yet we spin 'round and 'round
In the never-ending world.
What is reality?
Is it where I live in my own body with my own mind?
Or is it within your deep, green eyes?
And forgetting that I could die.
Believing that I'd live through anything?
A flash of the future
Went through my head again.
Green, green eyes looking through me
As he grabbed my red, bleeding heart.
I bled dry…
…because I couldn't give him anymore of myself.
I have to protect you
By killing myself.
Or else I'd have to kill you.
Subaru held me tightly and whispered softly to my ear before I died,
"I found you, Seishirou-san. I finally found you."
I smiled as everything became so hazy once more...
I never told you why I wanted you so much…
…I wanted you to cry for me too, like the others buried under the sakura tree...
…to tell me with that single gesture that I was worth something in this damn world…
Owarimashita. (It was finished.)
-
Author's note: * sniff, sniff * Ack, I can't seem to stop crying.
First of all, this chapter is for Jamie-san. Sorry you had to wait a long time for your Su and Sei fic, but I thought of it really well. (I hope that you enjoyed the whole fic, especially this part dedicated to you.)
Yes, as ridiculous as it may seem, it did take me a month and a half to finish this fic. It is because of my struggle to find the song I wanted in the beginning to set the tone. I had to figure out a new perspective that I wanted to present for Seishirou's and Subaru's relationship. These two things alone were hard to push through and analyze because I've done Su and Sei so much that it gets harder and harder for me to write about them.
This was the hardest chapter to do because it was the one that was supposed to bring everything together. Not only that, trying to find a new perspective for this couple has become difficult for me. I am not new to writing about Seishirou and Subaru, so it is increasingly hard to produce a different angle each time.
I thought about writing about the 'forgotten years' for Subaru and Seishirou because that's what isn't usually talked about. The years after Subaru has been cursed or when Hokuto ( * sniff, sniff *) dies. I wanted nothing, absolute NOTHING to do with Seishirou's death because I've done it so many times.
What's more is that I went through various drafts (3-5) for this chapter and usually I am not that indecisive about what I am going to do. All in all, I wanted a solid ending that would tie everything together.
I chose this after much contemplation (I think, more than 10 songs?) because I felt that it was the best that described Seishirou and Subaru towards one another. Usually, the song at the beginning's supposed to describe the 'add'l' character, but this time, it's indistinguishable.
As for why I made this only five parts, I wanted it to symbolize Subaru's pentagram. (Yes, I did a LOT of thinking to the last detail because I love them SO much!)
For the first chapter, I wanted to explain his mother and his relationship with her. I wanted to bring out that from her, his dual nature of being sweet and dangerous were what his mother instilled.
For the second chapter, I wanted him to go beyond his mother and help be molded by Ian. From this character, I wanted Seishirou to question and challenge himself as to why he has to learn to feel in order to become truly numb (and vice versa) inside.
Then, for the third chapter, I wanted Seishirou to feel vulnerable next to someone. Here, Seishirou wants to step out of his life and wants to be protected.
Then, for the last chapter, I had to put it all together. The images of Seishirou that are presented in the manga, in this fic, and the way he acts are all different people, but all come together when he dies. He is weak and strong at the same time.
The Seishirou I tried to produce was within a different style of writing, a rather experimental one. It was a series of one-shoters all put into one. Each different, yet dependent and independent at the same time. Also, the changes in POVs (first and third person) were to represent his struggle between feeling human and non-human. Seishirou looks at himself both as a being with and without feelings. He's 'stepping outside of himself' sometimes.
Most of all, I decided not to answer too many questions because the question of Seishirou's character and life should always be kept mysterious. That's what's I find most intriguing and sexy about him.
Thank you very much for reading this piece. I know that it isn't an easy read because of the changes in perspective as well as all the 'new' characters that I introduced in order to add depth to our darling assassin's character.
I still stand firm that if he didn't go through anything, I don't think he would have been his best. He wasn't born that way, he had to grow that way. I hope that my weird and convoluted way of explaining that was sufficient. Seishirou is truly one of the hardest characters I write for, but I love him for that, masochist that I am.
Until next fic…
Thanks for your encouragement!
Especially, thank you to my beta reader Rei-chan who is always patient with this baka. And to you, my muse and Winnie, who always give me inspiration and new perspectives about Su and Sei.
Love always,
Yui
January 17th, 2004