A ROMAN HOLIDAY
Part 4
By Trynia Merin
***
DM and Penfold waited anxiously as Prof. Squarkencluck fired up the time machine he had accidentally sent Penfold and DM into the past with. Little did he know that he'd actually sent them back to a time that was in an 'alternate universe' where a thing called evolution had taken place…
"It's very strange," said Squarkencluck as DM got out of his car. "I wonder vhere that time machine spun Lori und Herr Stann off too…"
"As much as I hate to say it, Crumhorn's the bigger priority," Colonel K harrumphed.
"But…" DM sighed.
"That's an order. I'm sure you'll be able to bring them back once you polish off Crumhorn," the Colonel said.
"Lori IS a top agent," Bagel said to DM, patting his hand. Sighing, he looked at the Mark III.
"Halten Zie," said Squarkencluck. "Vhee must fix you up mit the proper clothes for Augustus Caesar, ja? Here is und toga, und ein robe fur each of you… und a chariot…"
"Do we REALLY have to be Romans?" DM sighed.
"Ja, you musst," said Squarkencluck. "Und beware of the Animal emperor, Flavious Canines the first… he vas Augustus' own wolf hound…"
"Right," said DM as he wrapped the toga around himself and Bagel and Penfold moved off to changing rooms to put on their disguises. "Are you sure you know WHEN and where Crumhorn went? I did put a time bug on him…"
"Gut, he ist in the Middle East of all places… heading towards Greece through Palestine. You must stop him before he does more damage… even though Heron of Alexandria was several hundred years later, I guess he will invent the steam engine before Heron does, and thus claim credit for it. Und he will also try to get into Flavious Canines' good favors…"
"We'll stop him," DM said as he climbed into the chariot, while Penfold and Bagel ran out. Penfold was dressed as a Welsh/Gaulish slave, in a simple tunic and sandals, while Bagel was dressed as an Israelite maiden with traditional dress, and veil. They climbed into the chariot, drawn by a miniature horse, and waited as Squarkencluck pinned something to DM's toga, a large silver broach pin.
"Mine Babel pin. It will unscramble the language of the time into speech you can understand, ja? Und one for du, and one for du…" he said handing pins to Bagel and Penfold. "Remember you have only seventy two hours before the auto return finds you. You must put this collar on Crumhorn, and press the red button to sent him right back her before you… gut luck! Viele Gluck!"
"Be careful DM," the Colonel coughed as DM saluted, and the ray was aimed at him. Chariot and riders vanished into the mists of time.
***
Seconds later they were along the side of a roman road, where a vast amount of animals and humans moved. Mice and other creatures moved on a miniature roman road, guarded by wolves and crows in Roman legionary armor. They urged the masses of people along, and DM looked up to see that the sun was fast setting.
"Move along, you all must reach your home villages to be taxed, as the edict of Quirinius, and Augustus Caesar…," said the roman soldiers to the humans. The roman centurion crow, Corvus Arigonis waved the line of Israelite hamsters, lizards, and mice along, who were getting tired of walking and pulling their loads along with their miniature donkeys and horses, a small and cute version of the humans beasts of burden.
"Ave," DM cleared his throat as he pulled the chariot up and stopped it at the side of the road. Corvus Arigonus held up his hand in the same salute.
"Ave. Are you headed anywhere in particular, fellow citizen? What be your name and destination?"
"Yes," DM nodded, realizing how much the crow looked like Stiletto. Perhaps an ancestor. "I'm… er, Senator Danielus Marcus… and I'm going to Alexandria, in the south… by way of Jerusalem…"
"Aye, that's at least two weeks from here, and you are north of Jerusalem… at least two or three day's journey…And there are your slaves?"
"Now wait a minute," Bagel gasped before Penfold shushed her.
"Aye that'd be us, slaves, right Chief?" Penfold piped up.
"Penfold, shush," DM whispered.
"Mind you watch out. The roads are filled with travelers trying to register to be taxed. And there won't be much room in the inns. I wouldn't try that little village called Bethlehem. But I could put in a good word for you…"
"Bethlehem?" Penfold wondered as the sun was fast setting.
"Have you seen a rather large wolf in a centurion's helmet?" DM asked. "Named Centurion Crumhornus?"
"Well good citizen… I DID see Centurion Crumhornus earlier today. He was headed for Egypt… but it's late, and I suggest you find shelter. It's winter you know… and bandits and thieves can stop good citizens like yourself…"
"We'll be all right," DM gritted his face into a smile as he realized Crumhorn had indeed ingratiated himself with the Romans already.
"Shall we escort you…"
"That won't be necessary," DM said as he hoped to get moving. He sighed with relief as the soldiers waved him on, and he headed as nonchalantly as he could. More and more people joined the vast group of travelers, heading up the hill to the small town. Already the large courtyards were being filled, for the inns of that time not only had places for people to stay inside, but courtyards where the poorer ones could pay to spread their blankets and camp in the walls, even if it was in open air.
"We'll never find anything at this rate," mumbled a donkey that was nearby as Bagel and Penfold looked around. They wandered through the streets, glancing for any sign of Crumhorn. Under cover of the crowd they moved, till the people began to find places to stay. Throughout the streets of the small village of Bethlehem they drove, till the sun had slid down, and the wind had picked up.
"Cor, look at that, here's that same donkey… coo-ee, what are you doing out here?"
"I can't BELIEVE it…" the donkey muttered as he glanced down at the small mouse in the chariot, as he sighed under the weight of a young woman wrapped tightly in her cloak. Light from the nearby inn entrance was eclipsed as they heard someone arguing from inside.
"What's going on?" DM asked the donkey.
"We've been to FIVE inns, and no room!" the donkey groaned. "And my mistress is with child! She's going to be dropping a colt any moment, and my master can't find a place…"
"Oh dear," DM sighed, and glanced up at the woman who was waiting patiently as she rubbed the donkey's ears.
"My mistress deserves a place far more then these idiots," the donkey grumbled. "By the way, you don't know anyplace do you?"
"Have you tried any relatives your master might have?" asked Bagel.
"Well, that's it. My master has only an old uncle, and he's not in good health. He's expecting us later, but he's but a poor shepherd…"
"Well, that's another dead end," sighed a man as he exited leaning on his staff, and he moved up beside the young woman.
"The poor dear," Bagel sighed as she saw how young the girl was. Only fifteen or sixteen at most, and the man was perhaps in his middle thirties, with graying hair. But he was very kind and attentive as he rubbed her shoulders and moved close.
"Do not worry, we will find a place," the girl sighed and groaned, feeling the contractions of labor.
"Good grief, what barbarians would turn away a pregnant woman?" DM snorted. "There must be SOMEWHERE she can be…"
"I know, really!" the donkey snorted.
"Cor, this seems familiar," Penfold mumbled.
"No room at the inn," DM mumbled. "Well, how about this way…"
The donkey glanced at DM, and then nodded in the direction the mouse driving the chariot was indicating. Already the night was fast becoming cold, and the mistress groaned with the pangs of labor as her husband held her hand and suddenly realized the donkey was pulling him along with the guide rope.
"We tried that already," Joseph sighed.
"No, I think he's trying to tell us something," the young woman whispered. "Go on, Josephus… what do you hear?"
"This way… follow me!" DM shouted to the donkey, which followed the roman mouse in his chariot towards a small flickering light. Out towards the ends of town they road, towards a set of caves in the side of the hills. Here people kept their animals, and the donkey realized it was a stable.
"Oh this will never do," sighed Bagel. "It's a stable!"
"It's warm, and what's WRONG with a stable?" the donkey snorted.
"But a baby," Bagel sighed.
"Look husband it's warm…"
"I can't let you have our son here," the man sighed.
"Please, I can't keep this up… the baby is coming…" she gasped as she held her belly, and the husband sighed. He slowly led the donkey in, and DM pulled fast the door as he leapt from his chariot. Not thinking how the door opened, the man led his wife inside, and found clean straw. The donkey brayed at the ox and the others to move aside, and lay out clean straw as the man spread out blankets and cloaks for his wife to sit on. DM shoved the door shut, and sighed as he saw the woman wipe away tears and her husband stayed nearby, anxious.
"Soon," she gasped as he wiped off her forehead.
"Maybe we can find some help," said Bagel as she pulled Penfold and DM away to the chariout outside. DM started to protest but Bagel was insistent. They left the stable, quickly going out to see in the night if there was anyone they could find to help.
***
By the time they returned to climb up to the window they heard the cry of a baby broke through the warm stable, and Joseph held the small miracle in his arms.
"Carrots, what a whopping great STAR!" Penfold pointed at the sky. A large light had suddenly blazed into existence overhead, peeping through the hole in the cave roof where the smoke curled through.
"Good grief," DM gasped as he bowed his head.
"The child's name means God with Us," Mary said as she looked up at her husband who had helped her through the childbirth.
"That would be Emmanuel, or Jesus," said DM slowly.
"Ohh crumbs you mean…" Penfold gasped. The three of them peered into the stable window where a baby had been born.
"You mean HE's the…" Bagel trailed off as the baby lay in the manger, and Mary looked up, tired but radiant as people came in to see what the fuss was about. Joseph sat watchfully to one side, as he watched the mother and child to whom his care was entrusted.
"Cor," Penfold shook his head as a few shepherds came in and gasped at the little baby.
"Come on you two, we must go!" DM whispered as he pulled them into the chariot and they roared off into the night, leaving the stable and the filing group that came to see the strange new baby that had arrived. A strange silence and hope filled the very air as they headed off, and DM glanced up at the mighty star gleaming brightly overhead, far brighter then the moon.
"Merry Christmas," he whispered, and hoped he'd be fortunate enough to find Crumhorn.
***
"Now, you were going to present your invention, Marvelious," he said, turning to the lead inventor. He nodded and whistled for them to bring in the small catapult, with improved design. Augustus Caesar had called a meeting of the top inventors to show their wares for his troops, who were planning a campaign into Germania to teach the Goths a lesson. Often they were accosted by the might of the Goths who would push back Roman Occupation, unlike the Gauls who had been beaten into submission by Julius a few years before.
Caius Marvelious strode in, his centurion's helmet glistening gold as he held it under one arm. He saluted, "Ave Caeser…"
"You said you have a new sort of catapult to show me?" August asked, flicking water off his fingers as he wiped the grease off from the chicken he had been eating. A bowl of fruit and several other roasted fowl were at his elbow, and he was reclining with several members of his family, including his sister at their afternoon meal.
"From your inventors in Alexandria, this is what we call a trebuchet," he said. The strange lever held a basket of stones, and was counterbalanced with iron rings on its base. The basket was held down with a rope, and the slaves hauled it into position just before the window of the atrium.
"Behold, I have set up a target about 100 stadia distant… I fill the counterbalance basket with more iron, and turn the trebuchet this way… then all we need do is cut the rope, and a stone can be hurled ten times further then the catapult… and for comparison, a scale model catapult…"
"Indeed," said Caesar.
"Present… load… present, fire!" shouted Caius. As he lowered his hand, both the trebuchet and the catapult models fired their projectiles out the window. Augustus watched as each mechanism let its stone missile sail out his window and arc gracefully over his estate. He spotted the two model huts built of waddle and daub, and thatch. The catapult missile landed just short of its target, while the trebuchet whistled narrowly overhead.
"Impressive," he said. "How many of these can you have made?"
"Several dozen."
"Then make it so," said Caesar. "In the meantime do join my family for some light refreshment… and send word to your men to begin development."
"Ave, it shall be done," Centurion Marvelious nodded, raising his hand in salute.
"What's next?" Augustus asked as he snapped his fingers. His slave walked in with a scroll of parchment and unrolled it.
"Centurion Cassias Crumnhornous sir… he is presenting a work of extreme importance. It is said he is trying to build the first horseless chariot."
"A horseless chariot?" Marvelious laughed as he handed his helmet to a nearby legionary. He sat down on the nearest chaise lounge and reclined near Augustus.
An odd man shuffled in, wearing a rather scraggly beard. He shouted at the slaves to push in the cart that bore a bowl of water, and a sphere set into a shimmering bronze frame. A stone lamp was set underneath, and was not yet lit.
"Ave Caesar! I have brought you something that will make you without doubt the master o the world!"
A sphere with a jet on either side sat in a bowl of water. Unimpressed, Caesar Augustus shook his head and mumbled. He had seen many odd things produced by the Greeks, including the temple oracles that had a small bird that sang or did not sing depending on the prayer. The odometer for marking the roman roads was well known. But this strange novelty was singularly unimpressive.
"Oh master let me further demonstrate," said the creator, who called himself Cassius Crumhornous. "If I adjust the adjustment adjuster on the heat, voila… vexations of various volume will cause a credible change in conditions…"
"Get on with it," said Caesar. In reality the small and sickly man had become emperor through a technicality, and had only recently regained full health. Why this stranger should suddenly interest him was beyond him, but the others did say he had fixed a chariot without needing spare wheels.
The other senators, wise men and astrologers looked on as the water boiled. Slowly the sphere began to spin small jets of steam spurting out of the top and the bottom nozzle. As the heat increased, it began to crank faster and faster. Augustus Caesar turned to one of his top thinkers, Gaius Cephalus, who nodded.
"I told you he was impressive," said Gaius.
"Indeed… but WHAT is it for?" Caesar asked.
"Imagine chariots that do not need horses," Crumhornous said with a grin. "This… I give you the steam engine. With it Rome will be invincible…"
"We already are," Augustus said slowly. "Do you doubt that this empire would last a thousand years?"
"But surely your Majesty sees the value in continuing to build war machines to expand your empire," said Crumhornus. The sphere spun ever faster, sending a cloud of steam filling the room of the Emperor's summer home. It spread about the room, bathing them in its strange mist.
"I must admit this is an interesting toy, but you must prove to me what good it is," said Augustus.
"If you will excuse me, there is something I must attend to. I have already taken the liberty of having this principle installed in a chariot. I will be able to present it sometime tomorrow, but I wanted you to behold the raw power of my invention!"
"Very well," said Caesar. "But do take your toy away. It's making the inside of my room all humid, and I don't want it to damage the carpets for this night's orgy…"
"Ave, Caesar," he nodded.
"Will you be joining us for food?" asked Marvelious with a sneer of jealousy. Where had this upstart come from? All of a sudden he had appeared out of nowhere and had fixed a chariot with nothing more than a small compact capsule he had thrown on the ground, and produced a full sized wheel, covered with a gummy substance called rubber instead of a proper rimmed wheel. How preposterous!
"A bit of water is all I'll need," Crumhornous nodded as he reclined near the Emperor and the others assembled there. He reached in a pouch at his belt and pulled out a small brightly colored pill. Swallowing it quick, he washed it down with a goblet of water. For a second, Marvelious thought he had seen the man take on the appearance of a wolf. The rumors said that sometimes they had heard the howl of a wolf in the middle of the nights at the camp, and wondered what it was. While the wolf was the symbol of roman might, some men didn't care to think of one slinking about the campsite.
Crumhorn patted his pouch. It was well he had a supply of the capsules that allowed him to take on human appearance. They had worked well enough against DM to turn into a little girl, and they had worked well enough for him to take on the temporary appearance of a human being. Unfortunately he only had enough for a precious few short weeks, and was already slaving night and day to find enough herbs to create the old roman equivalent. Fortunately he had the services of a druid from Britannia helping to provide him with some, and hoped the druid could come up with the potion soon when his pills ran out.
"Sire, this man is a fraud," Marvelious whispered. "What need have you for this toy? Horseless chariots? Why bother?"
"He may be a fraud but I am intrigued," said Augustus. "We will wait till tomorrow. And if he is a fraud we can feed him to the lions in the Circus Maximus…"