Contrary to popular belief, I AM NOT DEAD! I just kinda....disappeared....BUT I'M BACK NOW! YAY! And unfortunately, my muses somehow returned from infinite nothingness as well....man, they haven't been around in awhile...
Little Link: OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY! We get to introduce a fic, we get to introduce a fic! (dances around stupidly)
Vega: SNAPPLESAUCE! (jumping up and down)
Okay, that's enough. (snaps off dramatic rock rendition of Zelda Lost Woods music) You can both leave now.
Little Link: WHAT?! That's it? No applause? No balloons? No free stuff?
SILENCE! These people have waited over a month already and they don't wanna sit here watching you two act like idiots! (clenches fists) So start the fic....and nobody gets hurt....
Vega: Okay, okay! (stands there for a second not doing anything, looks over at Fade) Uh...Fade? I dunno how.....
Little Link(looks around blankly): Yeah, I think this thing is broked.
OH FOR GOD'S SAKE! MUST I DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU PEOPLE?! Now watch carefully, I'm only gonna do this once. (presses giant red button that says START FIC) See? You press the stupid button, okay, morons?! So whad'ya gonna do next time I tell you to start a fic?
Little Link and Vega: PRESS THE STUPID BUTTON! ^___________^ (grin dumbly)
(sigh) Thank God that's over....man, I need an Oreo....
Disclaimer: I own.....drumroll, please....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! YAY! (everybody falls anime style) What? What'd I say? Oh, and I don't own the line "Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished." That belongs to Shakespeare.
Chillin On the Dark Side
Chapter 10: Idiots Just Wanna Have Fun
"I'm bored!" Fiona whined, picking up a banana and chucking it across the room in frustration.
"HEY!" Dark Kaiser shouted irritably. "I don't appreciate you soiling my lair like that! Kindly keep your fruits to yourself!"
"Fruits, fruits! They keep ya full o' pep! Fruits, fruits! They put some pepper in ya step! Fruits, fruits! They make me wanna dance! Fruits, fruits! They.....they uh.....they fit nicely in your pants!" Hiltz smiled proudly as he finished his song. "TA DA! The Amazing Hiltz, here for your entertainment pleasure!" He whipped out a harmonica and started playing a jingle. "Hiltz, Hiltz, he'll show ya the fun! Hiltz, Hiltz, he's number one!"
"OH MY GOD! SHUT UP!" Raven screamed, tearing at his hair. "What the heck do you think this is, Cirque du Soleil or something?!"
"Seriously, girl. This ain't no disco!" Thomas commented, flipping his hair back with a scoff.
"I rather enjoy fruits! And disco! Ahh ahh ahh ahh, stayin alive!" Fiona chanted, striking a disco pose and grinning at everyone. "Groovy, man!" She watched as everyone fell anime-style, and looked bemused. "What? Van taught me how to do it! Hey, where IS Van? I just 'membered I haven't seen him in like a bizillion light years."
"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Everyone turned to stare at Raven as he started laughing psychotically. "Van, you say? I took care of him, yes I sure did! It was brilliant!" His eyes were shining, relishing in the memory.
Fiona looked rather afraid. "Where is he?! What did you do to him, you fiend?!" she cried. She was silent for a moment, tilting her head to the side and looking thoughtful. Then she nodded. "Hey, you're right! If Van doesn't come back, he can't put me in that funny jacket again!" After another second of silence she started shouting. "Whad'ya mean 'ungrateful'?! It's a nice robe and all, but I just don't get why it ties in the back........"
"Like, who's she chattin' wit?" Thomas asked, looking at Hiltz and Raven for answers.
"Golly gee, I dunno. Someone must be talkin' to her, on account of she keeps answering them......." Hiltz trailed off, thinking hard. Suddenly his entire face brightened. "I know! She's talkin' to an invisible dude! Like......like a stuperhero or something!"
"She's not talkin' to no STUPIDhero, you idiot! She's talking to the nice little childs that live inside her empty head. You should try it sometime; they're very insightful." Reese called out from her corner.
Hiltz rolled his eyes upwards, trying to look up at his own head. "You mean I got peoples in there? Anybody home?" he banged a fist on his head twice and then fell back on the ground. "The lights is all out....."
"Oh puhleeeeeaaaaaaaase! You like, actually believe that little persons live like, inside your head and stuff? That's like, such a load of tapioca!" Thomas scoffed.
"Hey! Quit insulting my beliefs, you Communist trash!" Dark Kaiser yelled angrily.
"Seriously, man. You gotta be more open-minded, or else they'll never talk to you." Zeke advised.
Shadow turned and glared at the silver organoid. "Oh, so now you're Dr. Phil or something? Some kinda expert on psychoanalytic therapy?"
"AHHHHHHHH! NO BIG WORDS, NO BIG WORDS!" Ambient screamed, clutching his head in pain with his tiny claws. He held up a hex sign in Shadow's direction and started backing away.
"They won't talk to you if you go bashing yourself in the head, stupid! They don't like being disturbed!" Reese sounded insulted, as though she was the one Hiltz had just smashed.
"Um, hello? Like, is anyone here sane?" Thomas asked, holding up a finger and waving it around to get their attention. When he received no answer he became annoyed. "Like, hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" he shouted, waving his entire hand now.
"No, okay! No one's sane!" a voice shouted, sounding incredibly irritated.
Fiona's eyes widened and she looked around blankly. "Jinkies, where'd that disembodied voice come from?" She looked upwards sternly. "Archibald, are you playing tricks on me again?"
"Archibald.......isn't that a perennial vegetable?" Shadow asked Specula curiously. The blue organoid simply looked at him. "Shadow, were you often abused in your early age?"
Shadow looked confused. "Yeah........what's that have to do with vegetables?" Suddenly he was horrified. "Don't tell me.........I WAS ONCE A VEGETABLE?! Oh, tell me I wasn't a carrot!" he begged desperately. Specula stared at him for a second, and then returned to her good ol' spot on the wall. "Dear God, where did I go wrong?"
Ambient turned to Specula. "You mean you knew all along that Shadow is actually a cucumber and you never told us?! YOU DIRTY ROTTEN LIAR!" He glared menacingly at Specula. "What kind of friendship is this, eh, Specula? Keeping all these secrets from us! First Pete, then Shadow! What's next, gonna tell us that Reese is like, an Ancient Zoidian or something with creepy psychical powers?"
"Reese IS an Ancient Zoidian with creepy psychical powers, you imbecile!" Specula snapped testily.
Ambient's jaw dropped to the floor and he gasped. "I don't believe this.....this........THIS TREACHERY! THE DECEPTION! THE CRUEL, UTTER DECEIT! I WILL NEVER EVER TRUST YOU WITH ANYTHING AGAIN, SPECULA! EVER!" he screamed. "And next time I have a secret I'm not telling it to you! Hmph!" He crossed his arms and stuck his tongue out at the blue organoid. "So there, liar liar, plants for buyer!"
"It's pants on fire, stupid moron!" Specula yelled.
"Figures you would know!" Ambient shot back.
"Gee, Specula. I had no idea you were a rotten, two-faced scum bucket!" Zeke said in amazement.
"Believe it, buddy boy." Ambient told him sourly. "This one here's as low as they get."
Shadow stood looking shocked, shaking his head back and forth incredulously. "I can't believe this. I really, really can't believe this load of crap!" He grabbed Ambient and shook him frantically. "Is it true?! Am I really a vegetable?! A side salad, even?!"
Ambient shrugged. "It appears you are, my friend. And.....don't tell anyone I let this slip or anything, but I hear that........." He leaned in and whispered in the black organoid's ear. Shadow pulled back fearfully. "Are you sure? ITALIAN DRESSING?!" he cried. Ambient nodded solemnly. "It may seem like a cruel fate, but in reality things could be worse. Ya just gotta keep it in perspective, man."
"But ITALIAN!" Shadow protested, throwing his tiny arms in the air. "I'm not even from Africa! This is SO totally unfair! I wanna have another trial to prove my origins!"
"Look Shadow, you have to face reality, man. A trial won't change the fact that you originated in a Polish hippie's garden as a peace-loving rutabaga. Denial will only make it harder. We're all going to die someday, anyway." Ambient said matter-of-factly.
"But-" Shadow started to resist but suddenly glared at the red organoid. "Hey, you said I came from Egypt, not Poland!" he yelled angrily. Ambient looked sheepishly at the ground. "Aw come on, what difference does it make? They were both hippies!"
"But the Egypt guy was a mummy, not a hippie! And he had three eyes! That's what you said, Ambient!" Shadow accused. Zeke stood on the side, looking confused. "Three eyes? Really?" Shadow's eyes narrowed. "Are you trying to lie to me about my ancestry?"
"Hmph. You just don't want to believe it, that's all. Think whatever you want; it won't change your screwed up past full of mentally challenged nimrods!" Ambient snapped, turning away with an aggravated toss of his tail.
"Insult my kin, will you? I won't stand for this ridicule! If you utter so much as one more syllable about my family I will have to hold you in contempt!" Shadow yelled, whipping out his cool judge hammer and brandishing it threateningly.
"You're just too afraid to admit that there's been something wrong with you since the earliest of your days. You're a big stupid idiot who's in denial and I refuse to take any of your crap, Shadow! Go take your big stupid hammer and your big stupid mouth and shove it!" Ambient shouted.
"Fine then! But I still don't believe your filthy rotten lie about the Pilgrims eating me with garnish on the side at the first Thanksgiving dinner." Shadow muttered.
"You don't have to. Everyone else knows it's true." Ambient shot back defiantly. "Don't you.....Zeke?!" He turned to the gray organoid expectantly.
"M-me?!" Zeke started backing away, holding his claws up in defense. "I don't know nothing about any Easter breakfast or anything like that! No way, man!" Ambient growled menacingly at him and whipped out a high-powered grenade launcher. Zeke paled. "Okay, okay! It's true! Shadow did get eated with salt and pepper and organdy and all that stuffs! HE DID, HE DID! I-I SAWED THE WHOLE THING! JUST DON'T SHOOT THAT THINGY!" Zeke cried, backing away even more.
Returning the grenade launcher to the random place from which he'd pulled it out, Ambient grinned triumphantly. "See?" he taunted Shadow, sticking out his tongue. "Oh yeah, who's the good organoid? Who's got the looks? Who's got the brains? He's Ambient, the numero uno dude!" Ambient chanted, swaying back and forth.
"Oh look, he's inherited Hiltz's crappy singing ability, too!" Shadow drawled sarcastically. "You do that little dance, Ambient!"
Ambient was opening his mouth to retaliate when..........
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!" Fiona screamed suddenly, causing the entire lair to shake.
"Hey, *watch* it, man!" Dark Kaiser shouted testily. "You break it and you either die or pay for its repair!"
"BUT I WANNA KNOW WHERE THE VOICE CAME FROM!" Fiona screeched, stomping her foot and crossing her arms over her chest in a huff. "Archibald says it wasn't him and I wanna know who it was right now or I'll......." she stopped for a second and thought. "Well I dunno but whatever it is it's gonna be real bad! Like, REAL bad! Like.......LIKE SETTING HILTZ'S CRAYOLA SET ON FIRE!!!!"
A high pitched scream echoed through the cavern as Hiltz dived for his crayons. "NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! JUST DON'T TOUCH PINKY SUE!" he wailed, holding up a rosy colored crayon.
"It was ME, you morons! ME!" the voice shouted. It's owner was clearly very annoyed.
"Like, where *are* you at, girlfriend? I like, totally don't see anybody." Thomas remarked, glancing around.
Raven noticed Fiona opening her mouth and quickly jumped in. "For God's sake, just spit it out already! If I gotta listen to THAT again...." he pointed at Fiona and pulled out his bottle of aspirin, popping two more into his mouth.
"Hey, you better watch how many of those you take, man! Cause I know this guy who has this friend who knows this kid who lives in Philly, right? And this kid who knows this guy who has this friend ate like a bizillion of those funny white circle thingys? And then he went plumb crazy and ran a jet right through the White House!" Dark Kaiser told Raven. Suddenly he paused. "Or were those jellybeans? Hmmmm......well at any rate they were white and this kid, he took like a lot of them, I'm talking A WHOLE LOT and then he- "
"WE KNOW, OKAY?! FLEW A TRICYCLE THROUGH THE GREEN COTTAGE! NOW CAN YOU SHUT THE HECK UP?!" Reese shrieked. "It's getting to be so a person can't even lose their mind anymore! I mean, what do I have to do? Jump off a building to get some peace and quiet and a cup of tea?"
"If you don't tell me where that voice is comin from I swear I'll do it," Fiona warned, inching towards Hiltz with a pink lighter. Hiltz whimpered and hugged his crayon box to his chest. His eyes grew big and pleading. "Could you at least spare Minty?" he begged, displaying a forest green crayon. "And Blinky Joe?"
"Blinky Joe?! What kinda simpleton names a crayon *Blinky Joe*?!" Raven yelled, throwing his hands up in a gesture of annoyance and frustration.
"For your information, Mr. I'm Too Stinkin Cool For Coloring, Blinky Joe happens to be the brother of Inky Moe, who is the cousin of Dinky Hoe, who is the half brother of Linky Bo, who happens to be marrying Lulu!" Hiltz explained haughtily, holding up all the different crayons as he spoke.
The look on Raven's face changed from completely confused to utterly disbelieved at the idiocy in front of him. "I'm just not even gonna ask. Cause it's not even worth wasting my life to tell you how incredibly stupid and moronic you are. Cause I must've told you about a kabillion times that you're a crackhead and yet you're still devising relationships for crayons."
"You're just jealous cause you missed yesterday's episode of Crayolove and you don't know about Minty's affair with Inky Moe's girlfriend Mary Bob!" Hiltz huffed, crossing his arms and sticking his tongue out at Raven.
"All those stupid crayon thingys are gonna be cremated in a second!" Fiona screamed, flourishing the lighter. "You better tell me who's talkin or I'll rip your intestines out and put a bomb in them and then put them back in you and when I press some cool shiny red button that activates stuff, you'll go KABOOM! like a race car!"
"Like, why don't you just shove a bomb down his throat and save yourself some trouble, chicky? It would be like soooooooo much more efficient, you know?" Thomas commented casually.
"You askin for a funeral, buddy?" Fiona shrieked, turning to Thomas with her handy lighter. "Don't you be tellin me how to run this show!"
"Like, chill, girl! Anger is like, soooooo last millennium," Thomas advised. He gave Fiona a quick once-over and scoffed. "But then, like, so's your outfit!"
Fiona froze suddenly and looked down, self-consciously examining her pink getup. "Wha-what? My clothes are....OLD?! OH MY GOD!" she screamed, tugging at her hair in desperation. "There's like, no hope! All is like, lost and stuff!"
"That's like, the spirit, sister! You get down wit your pink self!" Thomas grinned stupidly, proud that he'd taught another his ways.
"Oh God.....another one. I can't do this. I just CANNOT do this!" Raven moaned, chugging the bottle of aspirin. He fell to his knees and brought his hands to the sky, screaming at no one in particular. "I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER THOMAS!"
"I can't take the first Thomas!" Dark Kaiser sniffed. "He stole my very favoritest shoes from my closet!"
Thomas rolled his eyes and tossed his head. "Like, I thought you were totally over that, chicky baby! You totally know that I like, needed those for the junior prom at New Helic High! And I even like, bought you that sugary confectionary treat, which like, totally went against your no-carb diet and some junk!"
Dark Kaiser wailed piteously. "But you ate half of it! And you didn't get the kind with the jimmies and the purpley frosting!"
Thomas looked shocked and horrified. "You-you like totally PROMISED never to say anything about that! EVER!" he screamed. "I trusted you and you betrayed me!"
"Oooooo, this is starting to sound like an episode of Crayolove!" Hiltz cried excitedly. "Keep going, keep going! I need some new material for the emotional fight scene between Inky Moe and Mary Bob!"
Thomas sniffed pitifully. "I like, can't believe you're using my painful experiences for your own twisted amusement. This is like, so wrong! Can you not see that I'm like, suffering?!"
"YOU'RE suffering! Ha!" Dark Kaiser shouted. He crossed his arms over his chest and pouted. "I'm the one being deprived of purpley frosting here."
"The "purpley frosting", or like, whatever you call it, is exactly 2.5 grams MORE fattening than like, the glazed topping! Does that mean nothing to you?!" Thomas shouted.
"Well you're the one who shoved the stupid thing halfway in your mouth before I even got to SEE it!" Dark Kaiser yelled back.
"Gkdfkdhdgdg-GASP!" Thomas blathered, eyes wide and completely speechless. "Like, how could you?! How dare you even imply such treason?! I did nothing of the sort!"
"ERRRRR YES YOU DID! YOU ATE THE DONUT, THOMAS! YOU ATE MY DONUT, DARN IT!" Dark Kaiser shrieked. He stopped suddenly and glanced around sneakily. "And.....you gained .367 pounds," he added smugly.
"BLAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! LIKE, OH MY GOD!" Raven laughed sarcastically. "You, like, actually ATE?! Like, hurry and go throw it up before it all goes to your thighs!"
Thomas looked at everyone, screamed several times, tore out a few chunks of his hair in desperation, and ran into the bathroom. Fiona stared after him. "Like, what's his deal? He's being like, such a temperamental chick today." She looked around the lair at all the idiots staring back at her. "Is it like, that time of month again?"
"And just when I thought I'd get a minute of peace...." Raven growled. He began walking slowly over to Fiona. "Hey....uh....Fiona!" He draped an arm around her shoulders and she looked back at him rather uneasily. "When was the last time I showed you my favorite toy?"
Fiona's crimson orbs were shining with wonder. "Gee jiminy, I dunno! But I sure love toys! 'Specially ones that go BEEEEP ERRRR HONK HONK!!!!" She gestured wildly with her hands as though she were driving a jet plane about to collide with a mountain. "Like, systems down! JUMP MORON BOB! JUMP! I-IT'S TOO LATE! WE'RE GOING DOWN! THE ENTIRE JET IS GOING UP IN FLAMES! WHERE'S MY SANDWICH, DARN IT?!"
Raven stared at the girl, resisting the urge to run away. "Uhhhh....right! Me too! But my toy makes a much better sound," he explained, pulling out a machine gun and hiding it behind his back.
"Oooooooo really? Cause I like sounds. They make everything so interesting and junk, don't you think? Specially when you're readin and the invisible voice goes "turn the page" and then you're like WOW AND A ZILLION, I WASN'T EXPECTIN THAT!" Hiltz cried joyfully, not caring that nobody was listening to him. "It just gives you such a special feeling of applesauce, don't it? Ya know what I mean, guys?"
"You want applesauce, moron?! Bye golly, I'll give YOU something to feel special about!" Reese threatened. "It just so happens I've got a hundred and sixteen Mott's applesauces, WITH cinnamon, mind you, hidden in this lair, just waiting for my signal to ATTACK! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
"That's impossible!" Specula shouted. The other three organoids glanced at her.
"Duhhhhh.....why? Seems perfectly logical to me." Shadow replied.
"Have you forgotten all about what happened on Arbor Day last year?!" Specula screamed at him. "Reese would NEVER join forces with sauces of any kind after that!" She turned from the organoids to everyone else. "Don't buy it! She's playing you for a fool! IT'S ALL A DASTARDLY LIE!"
"ERRRRR, QUIET MORTAL!" Reese yelled, chucking an expensive piece of pottery at her organoid. "You know nothing of my evil plans! NOTHING!"
"But Reese! You....and there was the bottle of A1 and-"
"SILENCE!" Reese screamed. "I DEMAND THAT YOU DISCONTINUE THIS USELESS CHATTER OF SEASONINGS AND WHATNOT, LEST YOU WISH TO BE DONE IN BY MY TROOPS! HOLD THY TONGUE, THOU JADED MAD-BREAD RUFFIAN!"
"Great Scott! She's speaking in Old English!" Ambient yelled, jabbing a claw at Reese.
"Good gumdrops, she's possessed! Snap out of it, Reese!" Shadow cried frantically.
"Wait, wait! I've seen this before." Zeke told them. He came to stand before Reese and raised his claws to the air. "KALAMAZOO!" he thundered. "KABLOOEY OOEY MOOEY! BRICK-A-BRACK FRUITCAKE! GOATMEAL!" When he had finished screaming he dropped his claws and walked away. "I've done all I can do."
"How dare thee attempt to silence mine tongue? Ye know nothing of thyself!" Reese shouted accusingly.
"Aw, come on! You didn't even fix her!" Shadow yelled at Zeke. "What good is a bunch of freaky sorcery if it doesn't even work?!"
"Hast thou just spoken of witchcraft?!" Reese called out in shock. "WHEREFORE BE THIS WITCH?! THOU SHALT BE BURNED AT THE STAKE IF THOU SHALT NOT REVEAL WHAT THOU HAST SEEN!"
"SHUT UP, REESE!" Specula screamed, walking over to her master and shaking her violently. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"
"No, no, that won't work! We have to communicate in her own tongue!" Hiltz told the organoid.
"Oh God. This is gonna be painful." Ambient muttered to Shadow and Zeke. "Hiltz can barely speak American, let alone Old English!"
"Stand aside, mortal fool." Hiltz brushed Specula out of the way as he approached Reese. "I pray thee, cease thy talk! Thou knowest not what hast been uttered!"
OoO Ambient's jaw dropped and he stared at his master wordlessly.
"Suffering succotash, I didn't know Hiltz spoke Shakespearean!" Shadow shouted in astonishment. "What a neat trick!"
"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!" Zeke yelled, jumping up and down. "Does this mean we can put him on Ripley's Believe It or Not as some mentally challenged polyglot who can speak different junk but can't even tie his own shoes and receive ridiculously large amounts of money and prestige?"
"Hey, I know that show!" Fiona cried excitedly. "A real long time ago, Van told me that if I ever said his name again he'd put me on there as "The One-Word Wonder" and completely disown me!" She smiled proudly. "Cool, huh?"
Hiltz laughed heartily. "Surely you jest!"
Fiona gave him a blank look and spoke slowly, as though he was daft. "Nooooo, I'm allergic to tuna fish. Although I do rather enjoy rainbow trout...."
"M' lady, thou hast pleasurable wit! Tis a true honor to be in your presence. If I may escort thee to thy chair?" Hiltz held out a hand to Fiona.
"What chair?" Dark Kaiser asked, glancing around his lair. "There is no chair, stupid!"
"My good sir! Does thou not see what lies ahead? Thou hast a clever thought, but thou shan't go far. Open thine eyes!" Hiltz gestured grandly with his hands.
"That's it. We either shoot him down, or give him to Ripley. Which one?" Shadow asked Ambient and Zeke.
"Well if anybody's shooting him down, it's gonna be me!" Raven told the organoids, whipping out the machine gun he'd been saving for Fiona and aiming it at Hiltz. "I've been waitin for an open shot at one of these morons all day!"
"No! Don't open fire!" Ambient begged, stepping in front of Raven. "You can't do that to Hiltz! I won't let you!"
"Well, gee bob, why not?" Zeke asked in confusion.
"Seriously Ambient. What's your problem?" Shadow stared at the red organoid. Suddenly his eyes widened. "Don't tell me.....you don't want Raven to kill little Hiltzy-wiltzy?"
Ambient glared daggers at Shadow. "I told you NEVER to bring that up again if you valued your life."
"Awww, look! Widdle Ambient's blushing! He doesn't wanna lose his itty-bitty master!" Shadow crooned infuriatingly.
"He's turning red all over!" Zeke sang out, dancing back and forth in an effort to annoy Ambient.
"I AM RED, YOU IDIOT!" Ambient screamed. He turned to Shadow. "Look, imbecile, don't you think I'd have a good reason for standing here with a gun pointed at my head?!"
"Well, yeah! You're trying to save lil Hiltz from death!" Shadow snickered.
"I said a GOOD reason, dimwit." Ambient rolled his eyes. "I wanna sell him to Ripley. Why kill him when we can make big bucks off his stupidity?"
Raven lowered the gun. "I agree with the sappy idiot. Let's deal in the moron."
"Done." Shadow snapped his fingers. "Dark Kaiser! The straightjacket, please!"
"But I'm wearing it!" the Dark Kaiser protested.
"Then just give us another one, for cheeses' sake!" Shadow yelled impatiently.
"Oh, fine!" A straightjacket came flying over the side of the Dark Kaiser's orb and landed at Raven's feet.
"Hey!" the dark haired warrior exclaimed as he picked it up. He crossed his arms over his chest angrily. "This is mine!"
"It's for the cause, man." Shadow reassured Raven as he took the jacket from him. "Now here's what I'm thinkin...." he began whispering his plan to Ambient, Raven, and Zeke.
Meanwhile, Hiltz had seated Fiona at his child's desk with Thomas' copy of Seventeen and a wine glass full of Fruity Punch Cooler with a bendy straw. "Dost thou wish for nothing else?" Hiltz bowed before the blonde.
Fiona's screechy giggle, which brought torment to the ears of all those within hearing range, ripped through the cavern. She slurped her drink eagerly, playing with the little fake umbrella. Apparently she was enjoying herself. "Like, yeah, can I have some gum?"
"Like, yeah, can I have a GUN?!" Reese screamed sarcastically, tugging at her blue tresses.
"Reese! You're cured!" Specula shouted. "You're not talking funny! You're ticked off! You're asking for a gun! HURRAY, IT'S A MIRACLE!"
"A miracle, you say? 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished!' Thou knavish lily-livered pantaloon! Surely thou hast gone mad!" Reese told her organoid. Specula gaped at her master and suddenly crumbled into a million pieces. The remnants scattered on the floor amidst a cloud of dust. (Cmon, people, I know you've seen this kinda thing in cartoons before! Don't act like it can't happen!)
"CRICKET!" Fiona shrieked, pointing a finger at the pile of blue fragments.
"What the crap is God's failure shouting about now?" Raven asked, looking irritated that the plans to capture Hiltz and become filthy stinkin' rich were being interrupted.
Ambient turned to look where Fiona was pointing and gasped. "OH MY CRACKERJACK, REESE KILLED SPECULA! MURDER! HOMICIDE! MUTILATION! AN INNOCENT HAS BEEN SLAIN!"
Reese looked confused as she listened to Ambient scream at her. "Slain, indeed? Surely thou hast not an inkling of thy wit. Tis crazy talk, to think one departed. Dost thou not know it?"
"QUIT TRYING TO BUY YOUR WAY OUTTA THE CRIME WITH THAT FANCY TALK!" Ambient accused. "SHADOW! I THINK IT'S TIME FOR THE HAMMER AND THE INCREDIBLY SEVERE PUNISHMENTS AGAIN!"
"Oh joy!" Shadow cried cheerfully, brandishing his cool hammer. "I hereby hate you and find you guilty of committing some stupid crap, and I sentence you to-"
"HOLD IT!" Raven thundered, interrupting Shadow's professional judge speech. Everyone in the lair looked at him. "What about Hiltz? I want my money! I want my fame! I WANT HIM OUTTA MY FACE! YOU HEAR ME, IMBECILES?!"
"Hmmmm. Yes, that is quite a predicament." Shadow commented, placing a claw on his snout and thinking hard.
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, SHADOW?! ENOUGH WITH THE BIG STINKIN WORDS, OKAY?! NOT ALL OF US GRADUATED FROM PRESCHOOL HERE!" Ambient screamed angrily.
"Okay, okay! No need to get all uncongenial on me!" Shadow huffed. Ambient's eyes flashed and he revealed a pulse laser gun. The black organoid gulped.
"Not another word." Ambient hissed. "Cause I'll do it. You talk and I MIGHT JUST DO IT!" He laughed maniacally.
"Alright now, Ambient, let's not do anything hasty, okay?" Shadow said slowly, backing away.
"WHO'S BEIN HASTY?!" Ambient shouted, twirling the gun around wildly.
"Watch where you're aimin that thing, Ambient! You don't even know what you're doing!" Shadow shouted.
"Yes I do! You're not the only one who knows how to work advanced high-tech weaponry, you know!" Ambient fiddled with the gun, turning it all around and examining it. "Where the CRAP is the trigger on this thingamabober?!"
Shadow rolled his eyes and sighed. "I should've known you were no threat. Okay, so anyways, here's my INCREDIBLY INGENIOUS solution. We're gonna get 2 hamburgers for the price of 1, see?"
"OH HAPPY JOY, MCDONALDS TIME!" Zeke cried happily. "Who's drivin?"
"No no no! There isn't going to be any McDonalds, stupid!" Shadow shouted at him.
Zeke rolled his eyes. "Ha. Good one. But really, how are we supposed to get hamburgers if we don't go to McDonalds? HM?! WHO'S THE STUPID ONE NOW?!"
"YOU ARE!" Shadow screamed at the gray organoid. "I WAS SPEAKING HYPOTHETICALLY!"
Ambient threw his hands up in the air. "OH, HERE WE GO! MORE WITH THE BIG WORDS AND THE SWANK!" He glared menacingly at Shadow. "Shadow, I'm warning you, if I EVER find the trigger on this stupid thing, YOU are gonna be completely incinerated!"
Raven snatched the gun from the organoid's hands and held it expertly aimed at Ambient's head. "YOU are gonna be incinerated if I don't hear how I'm gonna get my money in the next two seconds! GOT IT, BUDDY BOY?! NO MERCY, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"
"Uh.....yeah....why don't you....take the gun.....yeah..." Ambient gulped as he took a few steps back.
"Uh, can we get back to my INCREDIBLY INGENIOUS plan now?" Shadow called out impatiently.
"TALK MORON!" Raven barked, turning the gun so it was aiming at his organoid instead.
Shadow held his claws up in defense. "Okaaaay, so I've got a psycho pointing a gun at me....no problem....." He saw Raven scowl and position the gun, and began speaking fast. "So we wanna punish Reese and sell Hiltz to Ripley, right? So all we gots to do is....sentence Reese to lifetime imprisonment with a dancing banana in a possum cage and-"
"HOLD IT!" Ambient shouted, causing Raven, Zeke, and Shadow to look over at him in annoyance. "Where are we gonna get a dancing banana?"
Shadow sighed, as if the answer was incredibly obvious. "We're gonna order one off Ebay, moron. Okay, so like I was saying we have the possum cage and the banana and then we have to get a performing monkey so-"
"WAIT!" Raven yelled. "This isn't going to work."
"WHY THE CRAP NOT?!" Shadow shouted, punching the ground with his fist.
"A performing monkey, Shadow? Come on, be reasonable. How much is that kinda talent going to cost?"
"Not to mention the shipping cost for the dancing banana." Zeke added.
"And what if somebody outbids us? There are only so many cultured fruits in the world." Ambient told Shadow.
Shadow sat there, listening to everything that could possibly be wrong with his incredibly ingenious plan, until he couldn't take it anymore. "OKAY, FINE! FINE!" he exploded in the midst of Ambient's explaining about the Finnish transportation bill for possums. "SO MY IDEA'S A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FAILURE! I GET IT ALREADY!" He sighed, sat back in a random chair, and stared up at the ceiling.
"I'm still getting that banana."
Well, there ya go. Another very long, very insane chapter! I'm so proud! ^_^ Anyways, this might be the last one for awhile since the unexplainable torture some call school is starting soon....I'll keep writing but the updates might get kinda far apart. I'll do my best.
Little Link: Hey! Hey, Vega! How do you start the fic? (stupid grin)
Vega(pretends to think): Gee, I dunno! Could it be that....YOU PRESS THE STUPID BUTTON?! (both crack up laughing hysterically)
WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP?! You're supposed to be telling people to review!
Vega(looks slyly over at Little Link): Hey, Little Link! How do people review?
Little Link: Hmm I'm not sure! Maybe they.....PRESS THE STUPID BUTTON! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-(is smashed over the head with titanium metal bat) Owww...
Well, you heard the guy! Press the stupid button and review! Thanks a lots! ^________^
Little Link: OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY! We get to introduce a fic, we get to introduce a fic! (dances around stupidly)
Vega: SNAPPLESAUCE! (jumping up and down)
Okay, that's enough. (snaps off dramatic rock rendition of Zelda Lost Woods music) You can both leave now.
Little Link: WHAT?! That's it? No applause? No balloons? No free stuff?
SILENCE! These people have waited over a month already and they don't wanna sit here watching you two act like idiots! (clenches fists) So start the fic....and nobody gets hurt....
Vega: Okay, okay! (stands there for a second not doing anything, looks over at Fade) Uh...Fade? I dunno how.....
Little Link(looks around blankly): Yeah, I think this thing is broked.
OH FOR GOD'S SAKE! MUST I DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU PEOPLE?! Now watch carefully, I'm only gonna do this once. (presses giant red button that says START FIC) See? You press the stupid button, okay, morons?! So whad'ya gonna do next time I tell you to start a fic?
Little Link and Vega: PRESS THE STUPID BUTTON! ^___________^ (grin dumbly)
(sigh) Thank God that's over....man, I need an Oreo....
Disclaimer: I own.....drumroll, please....ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! YAY! (everybody falls anime style) What? What'd I say? Oh, and I don't own the line "Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished." That belongs to Shakespeare.
Chillin On the Dark Side
Chapter 10: Idiots Just Wanna Have Fun
"I'm bored!" Fiona whined, picking up a banana and chucking it across the room in frustration.
"HEY!" Dark Kaiser shouted irritably. "I don't appreciate you soiling my lair like that! Kindly keep your fruits to yourself!"
"Fruits, fruits! They keep ya full o' pep! Fruits, fruits! They put some pepper in ya step! Fruits, fruits! They make me wanna dance! Fruits, fruits! They.....they uh.....they fit nicely in your pants!" Hiltz smiled proudly as he finished his song. "TA DA! The Amazing Hiltz, here for your entertainment pleasure!" He whipped out a harmonica and started playing a jingle. "Hiltz, Hiltz, he'll show ya the fun! Hiltz, Hiltz, he's number one!"
"OH MY GOD! SHUT UP!" Raven screamed, tearing at his hair. "What the heck do you think this is, Cirque du Soleil or something?!"
"Seriously, girl. This ain't no disco!" Thomas commented, flipping his hair back with a scoff.
"I rather enjoy fruits! And disco! Ahh ahh ahh ahh, stayin alive!" Fiona chanted, striking a disco pose and grinning at everyone. "Groovy, man!" She watched as everyone fell anime-style, and looked bemused. "What? Van taught me how to do it! Hey, where IS Van? I just 'membered I haven't seen him in like a bizillion light years."
"MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Everyone turned to stare at Raven as he started laughing psychotically. "Van, you say? I took care of him, yes I sure did! It was brilliant!" His eyes were shining, relishing in the memory.
Fiona looked rather afraid. "Where is he?! What did you do to him, you fiend?!" she cried. She was silent for a moment, tilting her head to the side and looking thoughtful. Then she nodded. "Hey, you're right! If Van doesn't come back, he can't put me in that funny jacket again!" After another second of silence she started shouting. "Whad'ya mean 'ungrateful'?! It's a nice robe and all, but I just don't get why it ties in the back........"
"Like, who's she chattin' wit?" Thomas asked, looking at Hiltz and Raven for answers.
"Golly gee, I dunno. Someone must be talkin' to her, on account of she keeps answering them......." Hiltz trailed off, thinking hard. Suddenly his entire face brightened. "I know! She's talkin' to an invisible dude! Like......like a stuperhero or something!"
"She's not talkin' to no STUPIDhero, you idiot! She's talking to the nice little childs that live inside her empty head. You should try it sometime; they're very insightful." Reese called out from her corner.
Hiltz rolled his eyes upwards, trying to look up at his own head. "You mean I got peoples in there? Anybody home?" he banged a fist on his head twice and then fell back on the ground. "The lights is all out....."
"Oh puhleeeeeaaaaaaaase! You like, actually believe that little persons live like, inside your head and stuff? That's like, such a load of tapioca!" Thomas scoffed.
"Hey! Quit insulting my beliefs, you Communist trash!" Dark Kaiser yelled angrily.
"Seriously, man. You gotta be more open-minded, or else they'll never talk to you." Zeke advised.
Shadow turned and glared at the silver organoid. "Oh, so now you're Dr. Phil or something? Some kinda expert on psychoanalytic therapy?"
"AHHHHHHHH! NO BIG WORDS, NO BIG WORDS!" Ambient screamed, clutching his head in pain with his tiny claws. He held up a hex sign in Shadow's direction and started backing away.
"They won't talk to you if you go bashing yourself in the head, stupid! They don't like being disturbed!" Reese sounded insulted, as though she was the one Hiltz had just smashed.
"Um, hello? Like, is anyone here sane?" Thomas asked, holding up a finger and waving it around to get their attention. When he received no answer he became annoyed. "Like, hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" he shouted, waving his entire hand now.
"No, okay! No one's sane!" a voice shouted, sounding incredibly irritated.
Fiona's eyes widened and she looked around blankly. "Jinkies, where'd that disembodied voice come from?" She looked upwards sternly. "Archibald, are you playing tricks on me again?"
"Archibald.......isn't that a perennial vegetable?" Shadow asked Specula curiously. The blue organoid simply looked at him. "Shadow, were you often abused in your early age?"
Shadow looked confused. "Yeah........what's that have to do with vegetables?" Suddenly he was horrified. "Don't tell me.........I WAS ONCE A VEGETABLE?! Oh, tell me I wasn't a carrot!" he begged desperately. Specula stared at him for a second, and then returned to her good ol' spot on the wall. "Dear God, where did I go wrong?"
Ambient turned to Specula. "You mean you knew all along that Shadow is actually a cucumber and you never told us?! YOU DIRTY ROTTEN LIAR!" He glared menacingly at Specula. "What kind of friendship is this, eh, Specula? Keeping all these secrets from us! First Pete, then Shadow! What's next, gonna tell us that Reese is like, an Ancient Zoidian or something with creepy psychical powers?"
"Reese IS an Ancient Zoidian with creepy psychical powers, you imbecile!" Specula snapped testily.
Ambient's jaw dropped to the floor and he gasped. "I don't believe this.....this........THIS TREACHERY! THE DECEPTION! THE CRUEL, UTTER DECEIT! I WILL NEVER EVER TRUST YOU WITH ANYTHING AGAIN, SPECULA! EVER!" he screamed. "And next time I have a secret I'm not telling it to you! Hmph!" He crossed his arms and stuck his tongue out at the blue organoid. "So there, liar liar, plants for buyer!"
"It's pants on fire, stupid moron!" Specula yelled.
"Figures you would know!" Ambient shot back.
"Gee, Specula. I had no idea you were a rotten, two-faced scum bucket!" Zeke said in amazement.
"Believe it, buddy boy." Ambient told him sourly. "This one here's as low as they get."
Shadow stood looking shocked, shaking his head back and forth incredulously. "I can't believe this. I really, really can't believe this load of crap!" He grabbed Ambient and shook him frantically. "Is it true?! Am I really a vegetable?! A side salad, even?!"
Ambient shrugged. "It appears you are, my friend. And.....don't tell anyone I let this slip or anything, but I hear that........." He leaned in and whispered in the black organoid's ear. Shadow pulled back fearfully. "Are you sure? ITALIAN DRESSING?!" he cried. Ambient nodded solemnly. "It may seem like a cruel fate, but in reality things could be worse. Ya just gotta keep it in perspective, man."
"But ITALIAN!" Shadow protested, throwing his tiny arms in the air. "I'm not even from Africa! This is SO totally unfair! I wanna have another trial to prove my origins!"
"Look Shadow, you have to face reality, man. A trial won't change the fact that you originated in a Polish hippie's garden as a peace-loving rutabaga. Denial will only make it harder. We're all going to die someday, anyway." Ambient said matter-of-factly.
"But-" Shadow started to resist but suddenly glared at the red organoid. "Hey, you said I came from Egypt, not Poland!" he yelled angrily. Ambient looked sheepishly at the ground. "Aw come on, what difference does it make? They were both hippies!"
"But the Egypt guy was a mummy, not a hippie! And he had three eyes! That's what you said, Ambient!" Shadow accused. Zeke stood on the side, looking confused. "Three eyes? Really?" Shadow's eyes narrowed. "Are you trying to lie to me about my ancestry?"
"Hmph. You just don't want to believe it, that's all. Think whatever you want; it won't change your screwed up past full of mentally challenged nimrods!" Ambient snapped, turning away with an aggravated toss of his tail.
"Insult my kin, will you? I won't stand for this ridicule! If you utter so much as one more syllable about my family I will have to hold you in contempt!" Shadow yelled, whipping out his cool judge hammer and brandishing it threateningly.
"You're just too afraid to admit that there's been something wrong with you since the earliest of your days. You're a big stupid idiot who's in denial and I refuse to take any of your crap, Shadow! Go take your big stupid hammer and your big stupid mouth and shove it!" Ambient shouted.
"Fine then! But I still don't believe your filthy rotten lie about the Pilgrims eating me with garnish on the side at the first Thanksgiving dinner." Shadow muttered.
"You don't have to. Everyone else knows it's true." Ambient shot back defiantly. "Don't you.....Zeke?!" He turned to the gray organoid expectantly.
"M-me?!" Zeke started backing away, holding his claws up in defense. "I don't know nothing about any Easter breakfast or anything like that! No way, man!" Ambient growled menacingly at him and whipped out a high-powered grenade launcher. Zeke paled. "Okay, okay! It's true! Shadow did get eated with salt and pepper and organdy and all that stuffs! HE DID, HE DID! I-I SAWED THE WHOLE THING! JUST DON'T SHOOT THAT THINGY!" Zeke cried, backing away even more.
Returning the grenade launcher to the random place from which he'd pulled it out, Ambient grinned triumphantly. "See?" he taunted Shadow, sticking out his tongue. "Oh yeah, who's the good organoid? Who's got the looks? Who's got the brains? He's Ambient, the numero uno dude!" Ambient chanted, swaying back and forth.
"Oh look, he's inherited Hiltz's crappy singing ability, too!" Shadow drawled sarcastically. "You do that little dance, Ambient!"
Ambient was opening his mouth to retaliate when..........
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!" Fiona screamed suddenly, causing the entire lair to shake.
"Hey, *watch* it, man!" Dark Kaiser shouted testily. "You break it and you either die or pay for its repair!"
"BUT I WANNA KNOW WHERE THE VOICE CAME FROM!" Fiona screeched, stomping her foot and crossing her arms over her chest in a huff. "Archibald says it wasn't him and I wanna know who it was right now or I'll......." she stopped for a second and thought. "Well I dunno but whatever it is it's gonna be real bad! Like, REAL bad! Like.......LIKE SETTING HILTZ'S CRAYOLA SET ON FIRE!!!!"
A high pitched scream echoed through the cavern as Hiltz dived for his crayons. "NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! JUST DON'T TOUCH PINKY SUE!" he wailed, holding up a rosy colored crayon.
"It was ME, you morons! ME!" the voice shouted. It's owner was clearly very annoyed.
"Like, where *are* you at, girlfriend? I like, totally don't see anybody." Thomas remarked, glancing around.
Raven noticed Fiona opening her mouth and quickly jumped in. "For God's sake, just spit it out already! If I gotta listen to THAT again...." he pointed at Fiona and pulled out his bottle of aspirin, popping two more into his mouth.
"Hey, you better watch how many of those you take, man! Cause I know this guy who has this friend who knows this kid who lives in Philly, right? And this kid who knows this guy who has this friend ate like a bizillion of those funny white circle thingys? And then he went plumb crazy and ran a jet right through the White House!" Dark Kaiser told Raven. Suddenly he paused. "Or were those jellybeans? Hmmmm......well at any rate they were white and this kid, he took like a lot of them, I'm talking A WHOLE LOT and then he- "
"WE KNOW, OKAY?! FLEW A TRICYCLE THROUGH THE GREEN COTTAGE! NOW CAN YOU SHUT THE HECK UP?!" Reese shrieked. "It's getting to be so a person can't even lose their mind anymore! I mean, what do I have to do? Jump off a building to get some peace and quiet and a cup of tea?"
"If you don't tell me where that voice is comin from I swear I'll do it," Fiona warned, inching towards Hiltz with a pink lighter. Hiltz whimpered and hugged his crayon box to his chest. His eyes grew big and pleading. "Could you at least spare Minty?" he begged, displaying a forest green crayon. "And Blinky Joe?"
"Blinky Joe?! What kinda simpleton names a crayon *Blinky Joe*?!" Raven yelled, throwing his hands up in a gesture of annoyance and frustration.
"For your information, Mr. I'm Too Stinkin Cool For Coloring, Blinky Joe happens to be the brother of Inky Moe, who is the cousin of Dinky Hoe, who is the half brother of Linky Bo, who happens to be marrying Lulu!" Hiltz explained haughtily, holding up all the different crayons as he spoke.
The look on Raven's face changed from completely confused to utterly disbelieved at the idiocy in front of him. "I'm just not even gonna ask. Cause it's not even worth wasting my life to tell you how incredibly stupid and moronic you are. Cause I must've told you about a kabillion times that you're a crackhead and yet you're still devising relationships for crayons."
"You're just jealous cause you missed yesterday's episode of Crayolove and you don't know about Minty's affair with Inky Moe's girlfriend Mary Bob!" Hiltz huffed, crossing his arms and sticking his tongue out at Raven.
"All those stupid crayon thingys are gonna be cremated in a second!" Fiona screamed, flourishing the lighter. "You better tell me who's talkin or I'll rip your intestines out and put a bomb in them and then put them back in you and when I press some cool shiny red button that activates stuff, you'll go KABOOM! like a race car!"
"Like, why don't you just shove a bomb down his throat and save yourself some trouble, chicky? It would be like soooooooo much more efficient, you know?" Thomas commented casually.
"You askin for a funeral, buddy?" Fiona shrieked, turning to Thomas with her handy lighter. "Don't you be tellin me how to run this show!"
"Like, chill, girl! Anger is like, soooooo last millennium," Thomas advised. He gave Fiona a quick once-over and scoffed. "But then, like, so's your outfit!"
Fiona froze suddenly and looked down, self-consciously examining her pink getup. "Wha-what? My clothes are....OLD?! OH MY GOD!" she screamed, tugging at her hair in desperation. "There's like, no hope! All is like, lost and stuff!"
"That's like, the spirit, sister! You get down wit your pink self!" Thomas grinned stupidly, proud that he'd taught another his ways.
"Oh God.....another one. I can't do this. I just CANNOT do this!" Raven moaned, chugging the bottle of aspirin. He fell to his knees and brought his hands to the sky, screaming at no one in particular. "I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER THOMAS!"
"I can't take the first Thomas!" Dark Kaiser sniffed. "He stole my very favoritest shoes from my closet!"
Thomas rolled his eyes and tossed his head. "Like, I thought you were totally over that, chicky baby! You totally know that I like, needed those for the junior prom at New Helic High! And I even like, bought you that sugary confectionary treat, which like, totally went against your no-carb diet and some junk!"
Dark Kaiser wailed piteously. "But you ate half of it! And you didn't get the kind with the jimmies and the purpley frosting!"
Thomas looked shocked and horrified. "You-you like totally PROMISED never to say anything about that! EVER!" he screamed. "I trusted you and you betrayed me!"
"Oooooo, this is starting to sound like an episode of Crayolove!" Hiltz cried excitedly. "Keep going, keep going! I need some new material for the emotional fight scene between Inky Moe and Mary Bob!"
Thomas sniffed pitifully. "I like, can't believe you're using my painful experiences for your own twisted amusement. This is like, so wrong! Can you not see that I'm like, suffering?!"
"YOU'RE suffering! Ha!" Dark Kaiser shouted. He crossed his arms over his chest and pouted. "I'm the one being deprived of purpley frosting here."
"The "purpley frosting", or like, whatever you call it, is exactly 2.5 grams MORE fattening than like, the glazed topping! Does that mean nothing to you?!" Thomas shouted.
"Well you're the one who shoved the stupid thing halfway in your mouth before I even got to SEE it!" Dark Kaiser yelled back.
"Gkdfkdhdgdg-GASP!" Thomas blathered, eyes wide and completely speechless. "Like, how could you?! How dare you even imply such treason?! I did nothing of the sort!"
"ERRRRR YES YOU DID! YOU ATE THE DONUT, THOMAS! YOU ATE MY DONUT, DARN IT!" Dark Kaiser shrieked. He stopped suddenly and glanced around sneakily. "And.....you gained .367 pounds," he added smugly.
"BLAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! LIKE, OH MY GOD!" Raven laughed sarcastically. "You, like, actually ATE?! Like, hurry and go throw it up before it all goes to your thighs!"
Thomas looked at everyone, screamed several times, tore out a few chunks of his hair in desperation, and ran into the bathroom. Fiona stared after him. "Like, what's his deal? He's being like, such a temperamental chick today." She looked around the lair at all the idiots staring back at her. "Is it like, that time of month again?"
"And just when I thought I'd get a minute of peace...." Raven growled. He began walking slowly over to Fiona. "Hey....uh....Fiona!" He draped an arm around her shoulders and she looked back at him rather uneasily. "When was the last time I showed you my favorite toy?"
Fiona's crimson orbs were shining with wonder. "Gee jiminy, I dunno! But I sure love toys! 'Specially ones that go BEEEEP ERRRR HONK HONK!!!!" She gestured wildly with her hands as though she were driving a jet plane about to collide with a mountain. "Like, systems down! JUMP MORON BOB! JUMP! I-IT'S TOO LATE! WE'RE GOING DOWN! THE ENTIRE JET IS GOING UP IN FLAMES! WHERE'S MY SANDWICH, DARN IT?!"
Raven stared at the girl, resisting the urge to run away. "Uhhhh....right! Me too! But my toy makes a much better sound," he explained, pulling out a machine gun and hiding it behind his back.
"Oooooooo really? Cause I like sounds. They make everything so interesting and junk, don't you think? Specially when you're readin and the invisible voice goes "turn the page" and then you're like WOW AND A ZILLION, I WASN'T EXPECTIN THAT!" Hiltz cried joyfully, not caring that nobody was listening to him. "It just gives you such a special feeling of applesauce, don't it? Ya know what I mean, guys?"
"You want applesauce, moron?! Bye golly, I'll give YOU something to feel special about!" Reese threatened. "It just so happens I've got a hundred and sixteen Mott's applesauces, WITH cinnamon, mind you, hidden in this lair, just waiting for my signal to ATTACK! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"
"That's impossible!" Specula shouted. The other three organoids glanced at her.
"Duhhhhh.....why? Seems perfectly logical to me." Shadow replied.
"Have you forgotten all about what happened on Arbor Day last year?!" Specula screamed at him. "Reese would NEVER join forces with sauces of any kind after that!" She turned from the organoids to everyone else. "Don't buy it! She's playing you for a fool! IT'S ALL A DASTARDLY LIE!"
"ERRRRR, QUIET MORTAL!" Reese yelled, chucking an expensive piece of pottery at her organoid. "You know nothing of my evil plans! NOTHING!"
"But Reese! You....and there was the bottle of A1 and-"
"SILENCE!" Reese screamed. "I DEMAND THAT YOU DISCONTINUE THIS USELESS CHATTER OF SEASONINGS AND WHATNOT, LEST YOU WISH TO BE DONE IN BY MY TROOPS! HOLD THY TONGUE, THOU JADED MAD-BREAD RUFFIAN!"
"Great Scott! She's speaking in Old English!" Ambient yelled, jabbing a claw at Reese.
"Good gumdrops, she's possessed! Snap out of it, Reese!" Shadow cried frantically.
"Wait, wait! I've seen this before." Zeke told them. He came to stand before Reese and raised his claws to the air. "KALAMAZOO!" he thundered. "KABLOOEY OOEY MOOEY! BRICK-A-BRACK FRUITCAKE! GOATMEAL!" When he had finished screaming he dropped his claws and walked away. "I've done all I can do."
"How dare thee attempt to silence mine tongue? Ye know nothing of thyself!" Reese shouted accusingly.
"Aw, come on! You didn't even fix her!" Shadow yelled at Zeke. "What good is a bunch of freaky sorcery if it doesn't even work?!"
"Hast thou just spoken of witchcraft?!" Reese called out in shock. "WHEREFORE BE THIS WITCH?! THOU SHALT BE BURNED AT THE STAKE IF THOU SHALT NOT REVEAL WHAT THOU HAST SEEN!"
"SHUT UP, REESE!" Specula screamed, walking over to her master and shaking her violently. "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"
"No, no, that won't work! We have to communicate in her own tongue!" Hiltz told the organoid.
"Oh God. This is gonna be painful." Ambient muttered to Shadow and Zeke. "Hiltz can barely speak American, let alone Old English!"
"Stand aside, mortal fool." Hiltz brushed Specula out of the way as he approached Reese. "I pray thee, cease thy talk! Thou knowest not what hast been uttered!"
OoO Ambient's jaw dropped and he stared at his master wordlessly.
"Suffering succotash, I didn't know Hiltz spoke Shakespearean!" Shadow shouted in astonishment. "What a neat trick!"
"Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!" Zeke yelled, jumping up and down. "Does this mean we can put him on Ripley's Believe It or Not as some mentally challenged polyglot who can speak different junk but can't even tie his own shoes and receive ridiculously large amounts of money and prestige?"
"Hey, I know that show!" Fiona cried excitedly. "A real long time ago, Van told me that if I ever said his name again he'd put me on there as "The One-Word Wonder" and completely disown me!" She smiled proudly. "Cool, huh?"
Hiltz laughed heartily. "Surely you jest!"
Fiona gave him a blank look and spoke slowly, as though he was daft. "Nooooo, I'm allergic to tuna fish. Although I do rather enjoy rainbow trout...."
"M' lady, thou hast pleasurable wit! Tis a true honor to be in your presence. If I may escort thee to thy chair?" Hiltz held out a hand to Fiona.
"What chair?" Dark Kaiser asked, glancing around his lair. "There is no chair, stupid!"
"My good sir! Does thou not see what lies ahead? Thou hast a clever thought, but thou shan't go far. Open thine eyes!" Hiltz gestured grandly with his hands.
"That's it. We either shoot him down, or give him to Ripley. Which one?" Shadow asked Ambient and Zeke.
"Well if anybody's shooting him down, it's gonna be me!" Raven told the organoids, whipping out the machine gun he'd been saving for Fiona and aiming it at Hiltz. "I've been waitin for an open shot at one of these morons all day!"
"No! Don't open fire!" Ambient begged, stepping in front of Raven. "You can't do that to Hiltz! I won't let you!"
"Well, gee bob, why not?" Zeke asked in confusion.
"Seriously Ambient. What's your problem?" Shadow stared at the red organoid. Suddenly his eyes widened. "Don't tell me.....you don't want Raven to kill little Hiltzy-wiltzy?"
Ambient glared daggers at Shadow. "I told you NEVER to bring that up again if you valued your life."
"Awww, look! Widdle Ambient's blushing! He doesn't wanna lose his itty-bitty master!" Shadow crooned infuriatingly.
"He's turning red all over!" Zeke sang out, dancing back and forth in an effort to annoy Ambient.
"I AM RED, YOU IDIOT!" Ambient screamed. He turned to Shadow. "Look, imbecile, don't you think I'd have a good reason for standing here with a gun pointed at my head?!"
"Well, yeah! You're trying to save lil Hiltz from death!" Shadow snickered.
"I said a GOOD reason, dimwit." Ambient rolled his eyes. "I wanna sell him to Ripley. Why kill him when we can make big bucks off his stupidity?"
Raven lowered the gun. "I agree with the sappy idiot. Let's deal in the moron."
"Done." Shadow snapped his fingers. "Dark Kaiser! The straightjacket, please!"
"But I'm wearing it!" the Dark Kaiser protested.
"Then just give us another one, for cheeses' sake!" Shadow yelled impatiently.
"Oh, fine!" A straightjacket came flying over the side of the Dark Kaiser's orb and landed at Raven's feet.
"Hey!" the dark haired warrior exclaimed as he picked it up. He crossed his arms over his chest angrily. "This is mine!"
"It's for the cause, man." Shadow reassured Raven as he took the jacket from him. "Now here's what I'm thinkin...." he began whispering his plan to Ambient, Raven, and Zeke.
Meanwhile, Hiltz had seated Fiona at his child's desk with Thomas' copy of Seventeen and a wine glass full of Fruity Punch Cooler with a bendy straw. "Dost thou wish for nothing else?" Hiltz bowed before the blonde.
Fiona's screechy giggle, which brought torment to the ears of all those within hearing range, ripped through the cavern. She slurped her drink eagerly, playing with the little fake umbrella. Apparently she was enjoying herself. "Like, yeah, can I have some gum?"
"Like, yeah, can I have a GUN?!" Reese screamed sarcastically, tugging at her blue tresses.
"Reese! You're cured!" Specula shouted. "You're not talking funny! You're ticked off! You're asking for a gun! HURRAY, IT'S A MIRACLE!"
"A miracle, you say? 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished!' Thou knavish lily-livered pantaloon! Surely thou hast gone mad!" Reese told her organoid. Specula gaped at her master and suddenly crumbled into a million pieces. The remnants scattered on the floor amidst a cloud of dust. (Cmon, people, I know you've seen this kinda thing in cartoons before! Don't act like it can't happen!)
"CRICKET!" Fiona shrieked, pointing a finger at the pile of blue fragments.
"What the crap is God's failure shouting about now?" Raven asked, looking irritated that the plans to capture Hiltz and become filthy stinkin' rich were being interrupted.
Ambient turned to look where Fiona was pointing and gasped. "OH MY CRACKERJACK, REESE KILLED SPECULA! MURDER! HOMICIDE! MUTILATION! AN INNOCENT HAS BEEN SLAIN!"
Reese looked confused as she listened to Ambient scream at her. "Slain, indeed? Surely thou hast not an inkling of thy wit. Tis crazy talk, to think one departed. Dost thou not know it?"
"QUIT TRYING TO BUY YOUR WAY OUTTA THE CRIME WITH THAT FANCY TALK!" Ambient accused. "SHADOW! I THINK IT'S TIME FOR THE HAMMER AND THE INCREDIBLY SEVERE PUNISHMENTS AGAIN!"
"Oh joy!" Shadow cried cheerfully, brandishing his cool hammer. "I hereby hate you and find you guilty of committing some stupid crap, and I sentence you to-"
"HOLD IT!" Raven thundered, interrupting Shadow's professional judge speech. Everyone in the lair looked at him. "What about Hiltz? I want my money! I want my fame! I WANT HIM OUTTA MY FACE! YOU HEAR ME, IMBECILES?!"
"Hmmmm. Yes, that is quite a predicament." Shadow commented, placing a claw on his snout and thinking hard.
"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU, SHADOW?! ENOUGH WITH THE BIG STINKIN WORDS, OKAY?! NOT ALL OF US GRADUATED FROM PRESCHOOL HERE!" Ambient screamed angrily.
"Okay, okay! No need to get all uncongenial on me!" Shadow huffed. Ambient's eyes flashed and he revealed a pulse laser gun. The black organoid gulped.
"Not another word." Ambient hissed. "Cause I'll do it. You talk and I MIGHT JUST DO IT!" He laughed maniacally.
"Alright now, Ambient, let's not do anything hasty, okay?" Shadow said slowly, backing away.
"WHO'S BEIN HASTY?!" Ambient shouted, twirling the gun around wildly.
"Watch where you're aimin that thing, Ambient! You don't even know what you're doing!" Shadow shouted.
"Yes I do! You're not the only one who knows how to work advanced high-tech weaponry, you know!" Ambient fiddled with the gun, turning it all around and examining it. "Where the CRAP is the trigger on this thingamabober?!"
Shadow rolled his eyes and sighed. "I should've known you were no threat. Okay, so anyways, here's my INCREDIBLY INGENIOUS solution. We're gonna get 2 hamburgers for the price of 1, see?"
"OH HAPPY JOY, MCDONALDS TIME!" Zeke cried happily. "Who's drivin?"
"No no no! There isn't going to be any McDonalds, stupid!" Shadow shouted at him.
Zeke rolled his eyes. "Ha. Good one. But really, how are we supposed to get hamburgers if we don't go to McDonalds? HM?! WHO'S THE STUPID ONE NOW?!"
"YOU ARE!" Shadow screamed at the gray organoid. "I WAS SPEAKING HYPOTHETICALLY!"
Ambient threw his hands up in the air. "OH, HERE WE GO! MORE WITH THE BIG WORDS AND THE SWANK!" He glared menacingly at Shadow. "Shadow, I'm warning you, if I EVER find the trigger on this stupid thing, YOU are gonna be completely incinerated!"
Raven snatched the gun from the organoid's hands and held it expertly aimed at Ambient's head. "YOU are gonna be incinerated if I don't hear how I'm gonna get my money in the next two seconds! GOT IT, BUDDY BOY?! NO MERCY, YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"
"Uh.....yeah....why don't you....take the gun.....yeah..." Ambient gulped as he took a few steps back.
"Uh, can we get back to my INCREDIBLY INGENIOUS plan now?" Shadow called out impatiently.
"TALK MORON!" Raven barked, turning the gun so it was aiming at his organoid instead.
Shadow held his claws up in defense. "Okaaaay, so I've got a psycho pointing a gun at me....no problem....." He saw Raven scowl and position the gun, and began speaking fast. "So we wanna punish Reese and sell Hiltz to Ripley, right? So all we gots to do is....sentence Reese to lifetime imprisonment with a dancing banana in a possum cage and-"
"HOLD IT!" Ambient shouted, causing Raven, Zeke, and Shadow to look over at him in annoyance. "Where are we gonna get a dancing banana?"
Shadow sighed, as if the answer was incredibly obvious. "We're gonna order one off Ebay, moron. Okay, so like I was saying we have the possum cage and the banana and then we have to get a performing monkey so-"
"WAIT!" Raven yelled. "This isn't going to work."
"WHY THE CRAP NOT?!" Shadow shouted, punching the ground with his fist.
"A performing monkey, Shadow? Come on, be reasonable. How much is that kinda talent going to cost?"
"Not to mention the shipping cost for the dancing banana." Zeke added.
"And what if somebody outbids us? There are only so many cultured fruits in the world." Ambient told Shadow.
Shadow sat there, listening to everything that could possibly be wrong with his incredibly ingenious plan, until he couldn't take it anymore. "OKAY, FINE! FINE!" he exploded in the midst of Ambient's explaining about the Finnish transportation bill for possums. "SO MY IDEA'S A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FAILURE! I GET IT ALREADY!" He sighed, sat back in a random chair, and stared up at the ceiling.
"I'm still getting that banana."
Well, there ya go. Another very long, very insane chapter! I'm so proud! ^_^ Anyways, this might be the last one for awhile since the unexplainable torture some call school is starting soon....I'll keep writing but the updates might get kinda far apart. I'll do my best.
Little Link: Hey! Hey, Vega! How do you start the fic? (stupid grin)
Vega(pretends to think): Gee, I dunno! Could it be that....YOU PRESS THE STUPID BUTTON?! (both crack up laughing hysterically)
WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP?! You're supposed to be telling people to review!
Vega(looks slyly over at Little Link): Hey, Little Link! How do people review?
Little Link: Hmm I'm not sure! Maybe they.....PRESS THE STUPID BUTTON! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-(is smashed over the head with titanium metal bat) Owww...
Well, you heard the guy! Press the stupid button and review! Thanks a lots! ^________^