The disclaimer today is brought to you by our very own Hylian, Little Link! *clash of cymbals*
Little Link*clears throat*: Thank you. Fade doesn't own crap. She's a loser with no life and she does this for the sole pleasure of tormenting characters and readers alike. However, Hiltz's touching song lyrics are entirely original and belong only to Fade. Anyone found guilty of copyright infringement will be shipped to the Ukraine with the cheapest overnight postage service available and given to a clan of rabid gerbils as a sacrifice. That is all.
Chillin On the Dark Side
Chapter 11: Hara-kiri Gone Awry
"Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!" Hiltz cried, twirling around Dark Kaiser's lair joyfully. "I've never felt so elated!"
"The guy's elated....Christ save us all," Raven grumbled, backing away from the spinning moron.
"What's to be happy about?" Reese snapped cynically. "The whole world is a bitter void of lies and tragedy!"
Hiltz stared at Reese in shock. "I'm quite sorry to hear that you're displeased with the world's state of affairs, my dear. But we must remember that with love, we can conquer all!" He threw his hands in the air in a grand gesture and began to sing. "If you're feelin' down, don't worry cause you can do it! If you're feelin' blue, just wait and love'll get you through it! Oh if your skies have all turned gray....don't despair there comes a day....when-SACRE BLEU!" Hiltz screamed as he was blasted at full force with a fire hose.
"I haha with zee laughter! Zees man, he is soaking vith zee vater, no?" Fiona asked, her voice heavily accented.
Zeke gave her a bemused look. "You from Transylvania or something? Or did you just shove peanut M&Ms up your nose again?"
"Oh, no no no. I live in big vhite house on little hill in zee old country. You know vhat, I've never even been south of zee border. I don't even know vhat a vatermelon lookz like." Fiona explained. She shrugged. "But vhat can you do, you know?"
"SPEAKETH THE ENGLISH, WOMAN!" Reese screamed, leaping to her feet and slapping Fiona fully across the face.
*GASP* from the studio audience.
"Well I'll be a tarantula's cousin once removed! Senors and ritas, the psycho has risen from her corner!" Shadow placed a claw on his heart in shock. "Let there be much rejoicing!" And so it was done. Reese left her corner and there was much rejoicing. And liberty and free beer for all.
Hiltz threw his head back dramatically and began a loud chorus of "Alleluiah"s, accompanied by Ambient on the organ. A beam of heavenly light shone down on Reese as the singing heightened. "Alleluiah Alleluiah Alleluiah!" Hiltz drawled. "Take it away, D-meister!" he shouted as the organ notes grew higher.
"Alle...Alle...DEAR GOD ALLELUIAH!!" the Dark Kaiser shrieked. Every window in the lair promptly shattered and the Dark Kaiser passed out from lack of oxygen.
Hiltz clapped dutifully. "Okay peoples, take twelve. You were beautiful DK, some kind of freaky beautiful chick." He sniffed and wiped away a tear. "It hit me man," he told the Dark Kaiser's unconscious body solemnly. He hit his heart with his fist and closed his eyes, taking a long, drawn-out breath. "It hit me right here."
"PICK IT UP, HORACE! VE'RE LOSING HIM, YAH!" Fiona cried, kneeling next to the Dark Kaiser's lifeless corpse. She slammed her fists down on his chest and screamed in alarm. "STAT!"
"Hup hup hup hup hup hup hup," Zeke chanted, rushing to Fiona's side with a water balloon, a squeaky horn, and a Trivial Pursuit gameboard. "I brought everything I could, Doctor Love," he told her breathlessly, looking at the Dark Kaiser in horror. "Large spheres of flame," he remarked, smashing his fist into the ground vehemently. "We've gotta get him back."
"Vell I am trying to get to zat, if you vould please be backing avay? Shoo, shoo. I have much vork to be doing." Fiona waved her hands in a gesture to drive Zeke away.
Zeke wrung his tiny claws nervously, clutching at an imaginary purse. "But, but Doctor," he babbled anxiously. "What if...what if it's too late? He could be halfway to the big coffee house in the sky by now...floating with all those little whippersnappers up in carbohydrate heaven." He choked back a sob. Fiona clapped a hand on his head reassuringly.
"Do not despair, tiny dinosaur vith zee funny accent. I have been vell trained in zee handling of such situationz, you see. You need not cry zee tears. Your friend, I vill bring back to life! It vill be big miracle!" Fiona spun around, lifting her arms to the sky.
Hiltz gasped and his eyes grew big and shiny. *o* "YOU MEAN A REAL ACTUAL REAL LIFE MIRACLE IS ACTUALLY GOING TO BE PERFORMED IN FRONT OF OUR ACTUAL EYES?!" He whipped out a floral handkerchief and blew his nose. "Oh my stars! It's too much I say, too much!" He waved his handkerchief rapidly in front of his face in an attempt to calm himself down.
"IF YOU PLEASE, I VOULD LIKE TO GET ON VITH ZEE MIRACLE-MAKING NOW, PLEASE!" Fiona snapped testily. "MIRACLES AREN'T MUNICIPALITIES IN ASIA, YOU KNOW!"
"And you're sure the unnecessary dismemberment is entirely necessary to detract the traces of squirrel DNA?" Zeke asked tentatively. "It seems a tad superfluous. Perhaps we best wait until we see evidence of rabies..."
Fiona spun around angrily, pointing an accusing finger at the silver organoid. "YOU BE QUESTIONING MY METHODS, NO? VHY YOU NO GOOD LOUSY AMERICAN THESPIAN! I GRADUATED FROM ZEE UNIVERSITY OF CANADA AND I AM VELL-EDUCATED IN ZEE MEDICINE AND SUCH! YOU THINK I NOT HAVE GOOD UPBRINGING, IS ZAT IT?! VELL LET ME TELL YOU, YOU DARE INSULT MY HOME COUNTRY AND I BURY YOUR FRIEND ALIVE IN POLISH VINTER BERRIES! YOU UNDERSTAND ZEE VORDS ZAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?!"
Zeke backed away slightly, looking horrified. "I didn't mean to question your actions, Dr. Love," he drew in a shaky breath and let it out with a quiet sob. "I'm just so confused!" He buried his face in his claws and started to cry.
"That's right man, let it all out!" Shadow cried, patting Zeke on the back. He handed Zeke a rubber cow. "King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples will bring you comfort and solace in your times of woe!"
Zeke sniffled pitifully. "R-really?" He took the cow and held him gingerly in his claws and his face brightened. "Awww, he reminds me of MooMoo Cowey! Yes you do!" He snuggled King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples affectionately. He looked up to see everyone very, VERY far away from him and glancing in his direction in fear and confusion. "What? If you'd all spent your childhood with MooMoo Cowey and had your life profoundly changed in such a way I can't describe, you'd be a little sentimental, too!" He hugged King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples close to his chest. Then he looked up and stuck his tongue out at them. "SO THERE, INSENSITIVE PANTYWAISTS!!"
"HA! Childhood 'friends'? I wouldn't be caught dead with something like that!" Raven snickered. He began dancing around. "Zeke is a pansy, a pansy, a pansy, Zeke is a pansy who has unusually strong emotional feelings toward A COW!!" He finished and immediately began gasping for air.
"HOW DARE YOU?! HE'S NOT JUST A COW!!" Shadow screamed, looking insulted. "He's King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples and don't you forget it! They're still very partial to massacre and death by the guillotine in his country, you know!"
"Aw, you dainty popinjay!" Hiltz remarked in a jovial voice, giggling and making a "shooing" motion with his hand. "Get outta town!"
"That song didn't rhyme! It didn't even have the right number of syllables! What do you think this is, huh? YOU THINK WE'RE IN ALASKA WHERE IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU DON'T RHYME CAUSE IF A TREE FALLS THERE'S NO ONE AROUND TO HEAR IT?!" Reese screamed, pointing an accusing finger at Raven. "Well I've got news for you pal, this is AMERICA, Land of NO opportunity and here, we want our songs and poems RHYMED so that they may be sung with relative ease and relation to the common character! Surrender your freedoms, you live in a country where you don't have any! FREE-EXPRESSION IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT TOLERATED HERE, YOU NONCONFORMIST TRASH!"
"HEY! Hey hey hey hey HEY! My ancestorz came to zees country looking for peace, stability, and zee free cheeze, now are you telling me zhey traveled all zees vay in VAIN?! ZAT ZHEIR GRUELING TRIP TO ZEE NEW VORLD MEANT NOTHING?!" Fiona screamed angrily.
"Hey, you know what, Shadow was at the First Thanksgiving with the Russians and the Indians! He was, he was!" Ambient shouted excitedly, jumping up and down.
Shadow glared at him. "I WASN'T EVEN ALIVE YET, SMART ONE! I WAS BORNED IN THE 1300S, NOT WHENEVER WHAT'S HIS FACE HAD DINNER WITH SOME INDIANS OFF THE COAST OF BRAZIL!! I DON'T EVEN LIKE CORN!" He stopped and thought for a second and then continued yelling. "AND IT WAS THE SWEDES WHO HAD THE THANKSGIVING CHICKEN, NOT THE RUSSIANS! CAN'T YOU EVEN KEEP YOUR HISTORICAL FACTS STRAIGHT?!"
Ambient scowled at the black organoid. "Yeah, well I think YOU'RE the stupid one here on account of you don't even know anything about your origin! Cause if you did, you'd know that ORGANOIDS AREN'T BORN! THEY ARE MANUALLY CREATED FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF SERVING MAN, BECAUSE THIS IS A BITTER COUNTRY WROUGHT WITH SLAVERY AND INJUSTICE!!"
Shadow stared at Ambient in shock. "You...you mean...I wasn't ever borned? But...but I...HEY!" He smiled suddenly and then glared again at Ambient. "I gots parents, dummy! So obviously I was borned! EXPLAIN THAT ONE MR. KNOWS-IT-ALL-AND-THINKS-IT'S-RIGHT!" He flipped off Ambient triumphantly.
"ERRRR YOU ARE SUCH A MORTAL FOOL! CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT THEY'VE PLAYED WITH YOUR MIND?! YOU HAVE NO PARENTS SHADOW, YOU HAVE NO PARENTS! IT'S JUST IMAGES IMPLANTED IN YOUR BRAIN TO GIVE YOU A FALSE SENSE OF REASSURANCE AND MAKE YOU TOIL WITHOUT QUESTION OR REBELLION! THAT'S WHAT IT IS, SHADOW, IT'S A PACK OF SCURVY LIES!" He stuck his tongue out at Shadow. "And it's BORN not 'borned', you flake," he added smugly. "Keep those Mr. Gregory grammar lessons together, man."
Shadow looked shocked and confused. "Wh-what? I-I-excuse me for a second...I think I need to go rearrange the tangle of lies and duplicity that is my life..." He walked over to the bathroom door slowly and sobbed. "I WANT MY MOMMY!!"
"You don't HAVE a mommy!" Ambient called out with satisfaction.
Shadow started crying harder. "It all seemed so true! I want my Dachshund Dude sippie cup with the apple juice and the little miniature performing dachshund on the side with the funny hat...WAAAAHHH!!" He threw himself down on the ground and started pounding on it with his fists. "ME WANT, ME WANT, ME WANT!!"
"Awwww, I remember those...and how it had the little rainbow motif and the prancing llamas...*sniffle* they were so beautiful..." Ambient reminisced. Suddenly his eyes bugged out and he grabbed his head, shaking it back and forth vigorously. "NO NO NO! THAT WASN'T REAL! SNAP OUT OF IT AMBIENT, OLD BOY! DON'T LET THEM GET INSIDE YOUR MIND!"
Hiltz's idiotic smile was suddenly replaced with a look of pure terror. "But...my mommy and daddy are real...aren't they?" His voice grew high and pleading. He sat down at his school desk and started scribbling absentmindedly on the Sunday issue of The New York Times. "Gotta be real, gotta be real, gotta be real..."
"YES, your parents are real, Hiltz..." Ambient muttered in annoyance with his teeth clenched. His tiny claws made themselves into fists, which he struggled to keep from making contact with Hiltz's face. "Why they didn't have an infanticide I can't imagine..."
"WHEEEEEE I GOTS PARENTS!!" Hiltz screamed cheerfully, jumping up from the desk and knocking it down in his excitement. He ran around the lair screaming for about five minutes until he suddenly stopped. "How come I haven't seen them for the past..." he began counting on his fingers. "3, 8, 107, 25.6...87.34 years?!"
Ambient buried his face in his claws. "Because they hate you."
"Ohhhhh..." Hiltz nodded energetically. "Then maybe I'll buy them some PineSol, ya know, as a peace offering. Election Day comes but once a year!"
"Oi...I do believe I'm getting a migraine." Ambient massaged his temples with a pained look on his face. "Somebody fetch me a melon and a jumprope."
Shadow looked horrified. "LEAPIN' LIBRARIANS! AMBIENT'S GONNA COMMIT SUICIDE!!" He rushed over to the red organoid and started shaking him. "Don't do it, pal, don't do it! Sure you've been lied to your entire life and you've been sold into slavery under America's most delusional moron but you have to stop and smell the Waffle Crisp because the grandmas that make it would want you to-" He stopped suddenly. "Hey...man, your life is a joke. And...and if your life is a joke then MY life...MY life is a GRAVY TRAIN!"
"But Shadow..." Ambient tried to say.
"No, no Ambient I see clearly now. The condensed water falling from the sky is gone and I see the light at the end of the wombat! Our lives are pitiful enough to be used as stand-up material..."
Reese rushed out in a party hat with streamers and bells all over it, a microphone, and elf shoes with huge blue pompoms on the toes. "Why did Ambient cross the road?"
Cricket cricket cricket cricket...
"CAUSE HE WANTED TO GET RUNNED OVER CAUSE HIS LIFE BLOWS ZEBRAS!!" Specula dutifully tapped out "dun dun chsst" on the drums as Reese bowed to thunderous laughter and applause. "THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT, OKLAHOMA HOMIES!!" Then she disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"But Shadow..."
"Hahahahahahahaha-oh, are we back?" Shadow straightened his tie and cleared his throat and launched right back into his monologue as though he'd never paused for the comedy interval. "...and we're never going to get anywhere. We will ALWAYS eat Lean Cuisine leftovers. We will NEVER experience the joys of live theater and we will ALWAYS be denied the opportunity to stand up and say 'Balderdash, ye matey' and do you know why?"
"But Shadow..."
"BUT NOTHING, AMBIENT!! It's because we're bitterly mistreated weasels with no futures, no pasts, and no Aunt Jemima pancake mix, and we aren't going to take it anymore! I like the way you've decided to handle things and I'm going to do it with you! So in conclusion I would like to thank King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples for offering his wisdom and his high-powered heat-seeking missiles in times of tyranny, and also Mr. Clean, for giving the world the courage to stand up and say 'Bald is beautiful!'. And also you, my dear misguided Ambient of the Marmets, for showing me the light in a time when all had gone dark. Thank you for making me realize that my existence is futile and that if you're not living large, you may as well be baking cookies in a tree complaining about how no one believes in you."
*Far far away in the fruitful tree of the not-so-renowned Keebler elves*
"Pfft. Who does THAT?" Elwood rolled his eyes and went back to devising a better Keebler cookie.
*Back in the Dark Kaiser's lair, where this cast of idiots has been stuck for the past 3 months...Shadow is still speaking...*
"So we're going to go down TOGETHER!! We are going to end this fabricated and pain-ridden existence because I say NAY!!" Shadow began crying as he bowed, roses falling at his feet. "Thank you, thank you, you're beautiful people. I'll put in a good word upstairs for all of you."
Raven rolled his eyes as he took another slug of his fourth Budlight. "Shadow if you think you're getting up there...HA! I've got better chances of being spirited away to an island in the Caribbean with a bunch of hula chicks and a bottomless keg!" He smirked and sat back in his ridiculously expensive massaging chair.
Shadow grinned. "Okay then, if that's the way you want to play it..." He pressed a huge shiny glowy red button that looks really fun to press. "I WIN!!" he shouted triumphantly as a sonic boom sounded and Raven suddenly disappeared, beer and all.
Fiona looked around the lair with wide eyes. "Now vherever did zat man disappear to, eh vhippersnapper?"
Shadow smirked. "To an island in the Caribbean with a bunch of hula chicks and a bottomless keg, of course. Oh, and a Rubix Cube."
Fiona tilted her head to the side in confusion. "Vhy zat?"
Shadow stared at her as though she'd just told him that he had no chances of winning the Miss United States pageant. "YOU NEVER TRAVEL ANYWHERE WITHOUT A RUBIX CUBE!! DO YOU KNOW NOTHING?!" He took several deep breaths to regain his composure and extended a claw to Ambient. "I'm ready now. I've made the speech of champions and I'm willing to leave this world behind."
Ambient, who was ten seconds away from strapping Shadow to a Japanese kamikaze plane, walked over to the black organoid and grabbed him by the throat. "SHADOW!!!"
"What? I'm right here, you don't have to go all Jay Leno on me...sheesh..." Shadow rolled his eyes.
"No Shadow, apparently I do have to to get you to LISTEN TO ME!! ALL I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO FOR THE PAST TWENTY MINUTES IS GET YOU TO SHUT UP! BUT NOOOOO YOU JUST GO RIGHT ON YAPPING BLAHDY BLAHDY BLAHDY BLAH ABOUT PANCAKES AND OLD MEN AND SLINKIES!! WHAT'S NEXT, HUH? GONNA ATTRIBUTE THE RAISING GAS FARE IN KOREA TO THE FACT THAT YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF?! WELL YOU CAN GO DOWN ALONE, YA GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERKFACE, CAUSE I AIN'T GOING WITH YOU!" He turned his back to Shadow and raised his claws in the air. "I'M NOT SELLING MY SOUL TO THE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK, YOU HEAR ME?! I'M NOT GOING TO HELL!!"
Shadow looked extremely annoyed. "Are you finished yet?"
"Yes...yes, I do believe that was all I wanted to say. But in case I didn't illustrate it well enough for you..." Ambient reached out and slapped Shadow in the face. "YOU'RE AN IMBECILE!!"
Shadow glared at the red organoid. "Okay, first of all, that was entirely uncalled for." He slapped Ambient in the face. "But now we're even. Secondly," he continued as Ambient flipped him off, "I never said a word about slinkies and it pains me to think that you weren't listening to my final fare-thee-wells. And to really put the cheese on the flippin' cracker, if you didn't want to commit suicide, you should have told me twenty minutes ago before I ordered this super deluxe ray gun to split us both in half!"
Ambient's face paled. "YOU WHAT?!?!" he screamed. He suddenly realized that he was strapped to the wall with metal chains and unbreakable constraints around his claws, feet, and neck. "Huh? When the crap did this happen?" He looked around and saw that Shadow was chained up next to him. "YOU SON OF A ZOIDIAN, HOW'D YOU DO THIS?!"
Shadow shrugged. "I watch a lot of television." He ignored Ambient's fury as a huge box appeared in front of them. "Oh joy! My super deluxe ray gun! Boy howdy, Ebay's good!"
"R-ray gun?! B-BUT I DON'T WANNA DIE! THERE'S SO MANY BROADWAY MUSICALS I HAVEN'T SEEN, SO MANY JELLYBEANS I HAVEN'T EATEN! I DON'T WANT IT TO END THIS WAY! I'M SO DEPRIVED!" Ambient cried.
Shadow shrugged. "Well gee bob, Ambient, you should've told me that twenty minutes ago."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Ambient screamed as he twisted and turned violently, trying desperately to break his bonds. "SHADOW YOU *&*%^%^!! I CAN'T BELIVE THIS *^%&%&$%$%#!! @$#^&**!!$#^%$!!"
O_O "AMBIENT! Control yourself! There's children here!" Shadow gestured to Hiltz, who was staring up from his coloring with wide eyes and Fiona, who was flipping rapidly through a dictionary and gasping. "Really, I must say, I expected better from you! This fic is only rated PG! You want us to lose our jobs?"
"WE'RE ABOUT TO LOSE OUR LIVES, IN CASE YOU'RE FORGETTING, COMMANDER MORON!" Ambient yelled angrily. "AND EVERYBODY LET YOU MAKE YOUR FINAL SPEECH; I DON'T SEE WHY I CAN'T MAKE MINE!"
Shadow sighed dramatically. "At any rate, it doesn't matter now. The time has come and I am fully ready and willing to sacrifice myself for the good of the country. May those who follow in my footsteps never forget this brave moment! I go down with only one regret: that I was not the brilliant mind responsible for creating Easy Cheese, the cheese that can be sprayed with ease." He lowered his head in reverence. "Let us take a moment to remember the greatness of the one who achieved the unthinkable."
"Um...so can I open the box now or what?" Specula asked, standing at the flap of the huge box with a bored look on her face.
"Thank you for believing where others lost faith, for continuing to pursue your dreams when thrown into a mental hospital, and for giving us six different varieties of cheesy greatness to bring joy into our otherwise mundane lives. Amen." Shadow lifted his head and grinned. "Easy Cheese can be purchased at your local food market and is available wherever fine goods are sold. Credit cards are accepted; price and participation may vary. Now available in Mesquite Barbecue!"
Specula stared at him. "Are you done yet or are you just going to keep honoring every moron in world history until you die of NATURAL causes?! Come on, let's get this done already! I've got better things to do than watch you get vaporized-wait, no I don't."
Ambient glared at her. "Whadya mean, you don't?! Do you have no friends? No extracurricular activities?! No raves or sororities or musical entertainment?! NOTHING?!"
Specula shrugged. "Chuck E. Cheeses doesn't open until ten."
Ambient rolled his eyes. "Oh God, how could I forget?" he drawled sarcastically. "Honestly...their mascot is an oversized RAT for crying out loud!"
Specula scowled. "Look, just because YOU never have anywhere to go on a Friday night doesn't mean you can badmouth Chuck E. Cheese...I invited you to go last weekend but noooooo..."
"Aw, don't worry about your lack of social status Ambient...you won't have any more weekends where you're sitting at home wearing your floral robe and watching Love Boat reruns while feasting on Pokemon fruit snacks, I can tell you that right now." Shadow assured him.
Ambient brightened. "Really? I-HEY!" His eyes narrowed as he looked over at Shadow. "How'd you know that's what I do on Friday nights?"
Shadow looked disgusted. "You mean you really DO that stuff?! Sheesh, I was just taking a random guess! You're more of a loser than I thought!"
Ambient groaned in despair. "Why me? Why me?" He snapped out of it and shouted at Shadow. "Hey, those Pokemon fruit snacks are fine cuisine! They come in seven different flavors AND the new packages include grape Pidgeottos and strawberry Vileplumes! SO THERE, YOU CHARLATAN!!"
"Oh no no, it's not the Pokemon fruit snacks that disturb me...it's the fact that you act out battle scenes with them and pretend that you're Ash Ketchum." Shadow replied nonchalantly.
"Hey, that only happened once!" Ambient shot back. Then he grinned stupidly. "Mostly I prefer being Lt. Surge."
"CAN I OPEN THE ROOTIN-TOOTIN BOX YET?!" Specula screamed impatiently.
"Okay, okay...no need to go medieval on me, Specula," Shadow replied calmly. He threw his head back dramatically and accidentally smashed it against the wall. "Ow...that hurted..." he whined.
"And you think getting sliced in half by a laser isn't going to hurt?!" Ambient shouted angrily.
Shadow looked at the red organoid in disbelief. "Of course not, don't be an idiot. It kills you instantly; you won't even feel anything!"
"Gee thanks, I feel SO much better about being violently slaughtered now." Ambient remarked dryly.
"Just doing my job, my friend." Shadow replied as Specula opened the box to reveal a black and blue super-deluxe ray gun with a giant picture of a 10,000 year old fruitcake on the side. "The time has come! I bid my final adieu to all those who will sorely miss my presence in this world."
"Such as?" Specula smirked.
"Daisy Fuentes and Colonel Sanders," Shadow told her solemnly. "And the creators of Clorox laundry products."
"MAMA'S GOT THE MAGIC, MAMA'S GOT THE MAGIC, MAMA'S GOT THE MAGIC OF CLOROX BLEACH, WOO!!" Hiltz and Fiona formed a two-person chorus line and began screeching as many commercial jingles as they could think of.
"Oooo, ooo how about BADADADADA I'M LOVIN' IT!!" Ambient sang.
Hiltz slung an arm around Fiona and they began swaying back and forth. "YOU WORK HARD FOR YOUR MONEY! SO HARD FOR IT HONEY! YOU WORK HARD FOR YOUR MONEY SO WE GOTTA TREAT YOU RIGHT!!"
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYY!!!" Specula screamed, causing the entire lair to shake and breaking almost as many windows as the Dark Kaiser during his stirring rendition of the "Alleluiah Chorus". Everyone turned and stared at her and Reese stopped dead in the middle of the Gilligan's Island theme song.
Specula jumped on top of the ray gun and positioned herself in front of the huge shiny polka-dot button that would activate the ray. "THIS ISN'T GONNA BE PUT OFF ANY LONGER! YOU TWO ARE GONNA BE SEVERED, I'M GONNA POINT AND LAUGH, AND EVERYTHING WILL BE HUNKY-DORY!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN GRAB YOUR POPCORN AND TARTAR SAUCE CAUSE THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!!"
"Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!" Hiltz cried joyfully, stuffing his portable steak into his portable cookerator and settling down into a cow patterned beanbag with a plastic container of eatable bubbles at his side. "This is gonna be the bestest fun I've had since I adopted that squirrel on National Recycling Day last year!"
Ambient's face contorted into a look of pure terror. "NO!! DON'T PRESS IT! I'M TOO YOUNG! I'VE BARELY EVEN BEGUN TO LIVE!!"
"Now, Specula! The button!" Shadow shouted, closing his eyes. "FAREWELL CRUEL WORLD!!" He sniffled slightly. "If only I was a better tapdancer...I could've gone pro one day..."
"HANG ON TO YOUR HIPPOS!!" Specula yelled happily as she pressed the button.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! IT'S NOT FAIR!! I NEVER FULFILLED MY DREAMS!! I NEVER RODE IN A TAXI!! I NEVER PROCLAIMED MY LOVE FOR THAT GIRL IN CHALKZONE!! OH PENNY, IF ONLY YOU KNEW!!" Ambient screamed as he and Shadow were violently blasted with...STRAWBERRY DANIMALS DRINKABLE YOGURT?!?!
"WHAT THE #%$#^%$&&?! WHAT IS THIS, SPECULA?!" Shadow screamed in fury, spitting out a mouthful of yogurt in disgust.
"Umm...uhh...I'M SORRY IT WAS ALL THEY HAD! DON'T KILL ME!!" Specula cried, dropping to her knees and bowing her head in shame.
"I DON'T WANT YOUR TRASHY EXCUSES YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BUMPKIN!! I TELL YOU TO ORDER ME A SUPER-DELUXE RAY GUN FROM EBAY AND THIS IS ALL I GET?! I'VE GOT HALF A MIND TO BURN YOU AT THE STAKE!!"
"Mmmmm good steak..." Hiltz drooled as he dipped his steak in tapioca pudding and shoved it in his mouth. He saw Fiona eyeing his pride and joy and hugged it to his chest protectively. "My steak! You no have!"
Fiona's eyes filled with tears. "All I vanted vas a little tapioca. Is zat so much to ask?" she cried out miserably.
Hiltz tilted his head to the side and thought for a few minutes. "Hmm...okay. I've got an extra tub of that." He threw the container of tapioca at Fiona and snapped his fingers at her while grinning idiotically. "Eat it all and have a ball!"
"Zee joy, it fills me, yah!" Fiona cried joyfully as she whipped out a jumbo-sized bottle of maraschino cherries and mixed them into the tapioca. She began chugging the mixture greedily. "Magnifique!" she shouted joyfully, spitting tapioca and cherries all over the floor.
Reese clamped her hands over her mouth as her face paled. "Aw God...I think I'm gonna spew."
"But Shadow," Specula pleaded. "You told me to order from *G*bay, not Ebay! And Gbay is against the selling of advanced high-tech weaponry. They promote maple syrup, cotton balls, and pineapple-flavored bubble bath!"
"GBAY?! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GBAY?!" Shadow thundered. "WHAT KINDA FRUITY SCREWED-UP ONLINE CORPORATION SELLS DANIMALS DRINKABLE YOGURT BLASTING GUNS?!"
"Er, actually, it's a fruitcake-blasting gun...I went to the trouble of loading it with the yogurt cause I know you're allergic to pecans." Specula told him.
"SINCE WHEN ARE FRUITCAKES MEANT TO BE USED AS AMMUNITION?! THEIR ONLY PURPOSE IS SERVING AS THE WORLD'S CRAPPIEST AND MOST UNWANTED CHRISTMAS PRESENT! WHAT KIND OF DELUSIONAL MORON USES THEM TO LAUNCH ATTACKS ON MANKIND?!"
"LAUNCH THE ATTACK!!" Hiltz screamed as he and Fiona began chucking fruitcakes at the television screen. "DIE YOU WRETCH!" he shouted as the image of Martha Stewart was bombarded with fruity desserts.
Ambient's eyes, which had been tightly shut for the past ten minutes, finally opened. He looked around in astonishment, realizing that he was still surrounded by idiots. "I-I'm...alive?! I'M ALIVE!! Oh joy! Oh rapture! OH COCONUTS!!" he cried happily. "I'M ALIVE, I'M ALIVE AND-" he stopped suddenly and looked at his yogurt-coated armor. "-covered with some really nasty-smelling crap."
Shadow suddenly stopped screaming at Specula and smirked as he turned to Ambient. "Quite so...you're alive. Perhaps you'd like to explain this 'Penny' business?"
Ambient paled and looked around wildly for any chance of escape. Nothing. He fought in desperation to break the chains. "I-I was delirious! Delusional! I was seconds from death and I didn't know what I was saying!"
"Oh really? Then explain...THIS!!" Shadow whipped a copy of the "ChalkZone's Greatest Moments" DVD out of his pocket.
"HEY!! YOU WENT THROUGH MY CLOSET, YOU LUMMOX!!" Ambient screamed furiously.
"Oh, so this does belong to you?" Shadow asked smugly.
Ambient gulped as he realized the fatal mistake he had made. "Well I-I...you see, it was one of those things where...and the Dark Kaiser he said...and then... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Ambient screamed so loudly that he broke his bonds and fell from where he was strapped on the wall. "I'M FREE, I'M FREE!! I'M AN ESCAPE ARTIST CONNOISSEUR!!" he shouted joyfully. He whipped out a piece of magic chalk and quickly drew a really crappy-looking circle on the wall.
"TO CHALKZONE!!" he screamed triumphantly as he jumped through the portal. "RUDY!! PENNY!! I'M COMING!! I WANT TO BE ONE OF YOU!! I LOVE CHALK!! AND PEACOCKS!! I WANNA BE PART OF YOUR FAMILY!! FOREVER!!"
o_O Shadow, Specula, Hiltz, Fiona, and Reese all watched in shock, confusion, and fear as Ambient ran off. For about fifteen minutes everyone just stood around staring at each other like total morons until Reese finally spoke.
"He left the portal open," she said, staring at it. She turned to look at the four imbeciles surrounding her and nodded slowly. They all nodded back at her and after about ten more seconds of silence the choice was made.
"TO CHALKZONE!!!!" they screamed together as they jumped through the portal and the ChalkZone theme song began playing.
*Far far away on an island in the Caribbean...*
Raven*eyes one of the many hula chicks as he reaches into his bottomless keg for another Michelob Ultra*: Well well well...*whistles and smirks* aLOha...
o_O Oh God...they all went into ChalkZone...this can't be good...
Vega: Hey, don't forget all your excuses for taking so long.
*glares* It was school! All school! Plus I've been sick for the past two weeks...and yet, I still went to school the entire time. Thank God I'm on vacation now...I've never been so tortured.
Vega*rolls eyes*: Sheesh...all you ever do is complain.
*scowls* Why Vega, I don't think I've ever properly introduced you to the food processor! *grabs him by the collar and drags him over to her gigantic food processor*
Vega: O_O
Well that's all you're gonna get, people! Feel free to review while I teach my muse a lesson-it inspires the insanity needed to write this fic. ^____________^
Thanks, appreciation, and candy go to: Sanity-Stealing-Lawn-Gnome, Annie, Evil Person, Final Paradise, Maelgwyn, The Echidna, Dark Warrior, Blackraven10187, Stryker, Any-mass, idesel, The Black Blade Liger X (^____________________^)
Amrun: *proudly presents you with...A DANCING TOMATO!!* YAY!! ^___________^
Paladin Dragoon: *gives you the biggest cookie the world has ever sawed!* WHEEEEEE BIG BIG COOKIE AND IT'S ALL FOR YOU!! THE INSANITY WILL NEVER END!! ^_________________^
The Krazed Kitsune: The same thing happened to me all last year...I think I started scaring people from laughing so hard. But now I can't do that cause I don't have a computer class this year...-_-. Anyways, thanks so much for the reviews and I hope you liked this chappie! ^.^
weeheed: Thanks for the review. Now go work on your Raven/Reese fic; I want more of that! ^_^
Little Link*clears throat*: Thank you. Fade doesn't own crap. She's a loser with no life and she does this for the sole pleasure of tormenting characters and readers alike. However, Hiltz's touching song lyrics are entirely original and belong only to Fade. Anyone found guilty of copyright infringement will be shipped to the Ukraine with the cheapest overnight postage service available and given to a clan of rabid gerbils as a sacrifice. That is all.
Chillin On the Dark Side
Chapter 11: Hara-kiri Gone Awry
"Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!" Hiltz cried, twirling around Dark Kaiser's lair joyfully. "I've never felt so elated!"
"The guy's elated....Christ save us all," Raven grumbled, backing away from the spinning moron.
"What's to be happy about?" Reese snapped cynically. "The whole world is a bitter void of lies and tragedy!"
Hiltz stared at Reese in shock. "I'm quite sorry to hear that you're displeased with the world's state of affairs, my dear. But we must remember that with love, we can conquer all!" He threw his hands in the air in a grand gesture and began to sing. "If you're feelin' down, don't worry cause you can do it! If you're feelin' blue, just wait and love'll get you through it! Oh if your skies have all turned gray....don't despair there comes a day....when-SACRE BLEU!" Hiltz screamed as he was blasted at full force with a fire hose.
"I haha with zee laughter! Zees man, he is soaking vith zee vater, no?" Fiona asked, her voice heavily accented.
Zeke gave her a bemused look. "You from Transylvania or something? Or did you just shove peanut M&Ms up your nose again?"
"Oh, no no no. I live in big vhite house on little hill in zee old country. You know vhat, I've never even been south of zee border. I don't even know vhat a vatermelon lookz like." Fiona explained. She shrugged. "But vhat can you do, you know?"
"SPEAKETH THE ENGLISH, WOMAN!" Reese screamed, leaping to her feet and slapping Fiona fully across the face.
*GASP* from the studio audience.
"Well I'll be a tarantula's cousin once removed! Senors and ritas, the psycho has risen from her corner!" Shadow placed a claw on his heart in shock. "Let there be much rejoicing!" And so it was done. Reese left her corner and there was much rejoicing. And liberty and free beer for all.
Hiltz threw his head back dramatically and began a loud chorus of "Alleluiah"s, accompanied by Ambient on the organ. A beam of heavenly light shone down on Reese as the singing heightened. "Alleluiah Alleluiah Alleluiah!" Hiltz drawled. "Take it away, D-meister!" he shouted as the organ notes grew higher.
"Alle...Alle...DEAR GOD ALLELUIAH!!" the Dark Kaiser shrieked. Every window in the lair promptly shattered and the Dark Kaiser passed out from lack of oxygen.
Hiltz clapped dutifully. "Okay peoples, take twelve. You were beautiful DK, some kind of freaky beautiful chick." He sniffed and wiped away a tear. "It hit me man," he told the Dark Kaiser's unconscious body solemnly. He hit his heart with his fist and closed his eyes, taking a long, drawn-out breath. "It hit me right here."
"PICK IT UP, HORACE! VE'RE LOSING HIM, YAH!" Fiona cried, kneeling next to the Dark Kaiser's lifeless corpse. She slammed her fists down on his chest and screamed in alarm. "STAT!"
"Hup hup hup hup hup hup hup," Zeke chanted, rushing to Fiona's side with a water balloon, a squeaky horn, and a Trivial Pursuit gameboard. "I brought everything I could, Doctor Love," he told her breathlessly, looking at the Dark Kaiser in horror. "Large spheres of flame," he remarked, smashing his fist into the ground vehemently. "We've gotta get him back."
"Vell I am trying to get to zat, if you vould please be backing avay? Shoo, shoo. I have much vork to be doing." Fiona waved her hands in a gesture to drive Zeke away.
Zeke wrung his tiny claws nervously, clutching at an imaginary purse. "But, but Doctor," he babbled anxiously. "What if...what if it's too late? He could be halfway to the big coffee house in the sky by now...floating with all those little whippersnappers up in carbohydrate heaven." He choked back a sob. Fiona clapped a hand on his head reassuringly.
"Do not despair, tiny dinosaur vith zee funny accent. I have been vell trained in zee handling of such situationz, you see. You need not cry zee tears. Your friend, I vill bring back to life! It vill be big miracle!" Fiona spun around, lifting her arms to the sky.
Hiltz gasped and his eyes grew big and shiny. *o* "YOU MEAN A REAL ACTUAL REAL LIFE MIRACLE IS ACTUALLY GOING TO BE PERFORMED IN FRONT OF OUR ACTUAL EYES?!" He whipped out a floral handkerchief and blew his nose. "Oh my stars! It's too much I say, too much!" He waved his handkerchief rapidly in front of his face in an attempt to calm himself down.
"IF YOU PLEASE, I VOULD LIKE TO GET ON VITH ZEE MIRACLE-MAKING NOW, PLEASE!" Fiona snapped testily. "MIRACLES AREN'T MUNICIPALITIES IN ASIA, YOU KNOW!"
"And you're sure the unnecessary dismemberment is entirely necessary to detract the traces of squirrel DNA?" Zeke asked tentatively. "It seems a tad superfluous. Perhaps we best wait until we see evidence of rabies..."
Fiona spun around angrily, pointing an accusing finger at the silver organoid. "YOU BE QUESTIONING MY METHODS, NO? VHY YOU NO GOOD LOUSY AMERICAN THESPIAN! I GRADUATED FROM ZEE UNIVERSITY OF CANADA AND I AM VELL-EDUCATED IN ZEE MEDICINE AND SUCH! YOU THINK I NOT HAVE GOOD UPBRINGING, IS ZAT IT?! VELL LET ME TELL YOU, YOU DARE INSULT MY HOME COUNTRY AND I BURY YOUR FRIEND ALIVE IN POLISH VINTER BERRIES! YOU UNDERSTAND ZEE VORDS ZAT ARE COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?!"
Zeke backed away slightly, looking horrified. "I didn't mean to question your actions, Dr. Love," he drew in a shaky breath and let it out with a quiet sob. "I'm just so confused!" He buried his face in his claws and started to cry.
"That's right man, let it all out!" Shadow cried, patting Zeke on the back. He handed Zeke a rubber cow. "King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples will bring you comfort and solace in your times of woe!"
Zeke sniffled pitifully. "R-really?" He took the cow and held him gingerly in his claws and his face brightened. "Awww, he reminds me of MooMoo Cowey! Yes you do!" He snuggled King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples affectionately. He looked up to see everyone very, VERY far away from him and glancing in his direction in fear and confusion. "What? If you'd all spent your childhood with MooMoo Cowey and had your life profoundly changed in such a way I can't describe, you'd be a little sentimental, too!" He hugged King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples close to his chest. Then he looked up and stuck his tongue out at them. "SO THERE, INSENSITIVE PANTYWAISTS!!"
"HA! Childhood 'friends'? I wouldn't be caught dead with something like that!" Raven snickered. He began dancing around. "Zeke is a pansy, a pansy, a pansy, Zeke is a pansy who has unusually strong emotional feelings toward A COW!!" He finished and immediately began gasping for air.
"HOW DARE YOU?! HE'S NOT JUST A COW!!" Shadow screamed, looking insulted. "He's King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples and don't you forget it! They're still very partial to massacre and death by the guillotine in his country, you know!"
"Aw, you dainty popinjay!" Hiltz remarked in a jovial voice, giggling and making a "shooing" motion with his hand. "Get outta town!"
"That song didn't rhyme! It didn't even have the right number of syllables! What do you think this is, huh? YOU THINK WE'RE IN ALASKA WHERE IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU DON'T RHYME CAUSE IF A TREE FALLS THERE'S NO ONE AROUND TO HEAR IT?!" Reese screamed, pointing an accusing finger at Raven. "Well I've got news for you pal, this is AMERICA, Land of NO opportunity and here, we want our songs and poems RHYMED so that they may be sung with relative ease and relation to the common character! Surrender your freedoms, you live in a country where you don't have any! FREE-EXPRESSION IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT TOLERATED HERE, YOU NONCONFORMIST TRASH!"
"HEY! Hey hey hey hey HEY! My ancestorz came to zees country looking for peace, stability, and zee free cheeze, now are you telling me zhey traveled all zees vay in VAIN?! ZAT ZHEIR GRUELING TRIP TO ZEE NEW VORLD MEANT NOTHING?!" Fiona screamed angrily.
"Hey, you know what, Shadow was at the First Thanksgiving with the Russians and the Indians! He was, he was!" Ambient shouted excitedly, jumping up and down.
Shadow glared at him. "I WASN'T EVEN ALIVE YET, SMART ONE! I WAS BORNED IN THE 1300S, NOT WHENEVER WHAT'S HIS FACE HAD DINNER WITH SOME INDIANS OFF THE COAST OF BRAZIL!! I DON'T EVEN LIKE CORN!" He stopped and thought for a second and then continued yelling. "AND IT WAS THE SWEDES WHO HAD THE THANKSGIVING CHICKEN, NOT THE RUSSIANS! CAN'T YOU EVEN KEEP YOUR HISTORICAL FACTS STRAIGHT?!"
Ambient scowled at the black organoid. "Yeah, well I think YOU'RE the stupid one here on account of you don't even know anything about your origin! Cause if you did, you'd know that ORGANOIDS AREN'T BORN! THEY ARE MANUALLY CREATED FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF SERVING MAN, BECAUSE THIS IS A BITTER COUNTRY WROUGHT WITH SLAVERY AND INJUSTICE!!"
Shadow stared at Ambient in shock. "You...you mean...I wasn't ever borned? But...but I...HEY!" He smiled suddenly and then glared again at Ambient. "I gots parents, dummy! So obviously I was borned! EXPLAIN THAT ONE MR. KNOWS-IT-ALL-AND-THINKS-IT'S-RIGHT!" He flipped off Ambient triumphantly.
"ERRRR YOU ARE SUCH A MORTAL FOOL! CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT THEY'VE PLAYED WITH YOUR MIND?! YOU HAVE NO PARENTS SHADOW, YOU HAVE NO PARENTS! IT'S JUST IMAGES IMPLANTED IN YOUR BRAIN TO GIVE YOU A FALSE SENSE OF REASSURANCE AND MAKE YOU TOIL WITHOUT QUESTION OR REBELLION! THAT'S WHAT IT IS, SHADOW, IT'S A PACK OF SCURVY LIES!" He stuck his tongue out at Shadow. "And it's BORN not 'borned', you flake," he added smugly. "Keep those Mr. Gregory grammar lessons together, man."
Shadow looked shocked and confused. "Wh-what? I-I-excuse me for a second...I think I need to go rearrange the tangle of lies and duplicity that is my life..." He walked over to the bathroom door slowly and sobbed. "I WANT MY MOMMY!!"
"You don't HAVE a mommy!" Ambient called out with satisfaction.
Shadow started crying harder. "It all seemed so true! I want my Dachshund Dude sippie cup with the apple juice and the little miniature performing dachshund on the side with the funny hat...WAAAAHHH!!" He threw himself down on the ground and started pounding on it with his fists. "ME WANT, ME WANT, ME WANT!!"
"Awwww, I remember those...and how it had the little rainbow motif and the prancing llamas...*sniffle* they were so beautiful..." Ambient reminisced. Suddenly his eyes bugged out and he grabbed his head, shaking it back and forth vigorously. "NO NO NO! THAT WASN'T REAL! SNAP OUT OF IT AMBIENT, OLD BOY! DON'T LET THEM GET INSIDE YOUR MIND!"
Hiltz's idiotic smile was suddenly replaced with a look of pure terror. "But...my mommy and daddy are real...aren't they?" His voice grew high and pleading. He sat down at his school desk and started scribbling absentmindedly on the Sunday issue of The New York Times. "Gotta be real, gotta be real, gotta be real..."
"YES, your parents are real, Hiltz..." Ambient muttered in annoyance with his teeth clenched. His tiny claws made themselves into fists, which he struggled to keep from making contact with Hiltz's face. "Why they didn't have an infanticide I can't imagine..."
"WHEEEEEE I GOTS PARENTS!!" Hiltz screamed cheerfully, jumping up from the desk and knocking it down in his excitement. He ran around the lair screaming for about five minutes until he suddenly stopped. "How come I haven't seen them for the past..." he began counting on his fingers. "3, 8, 107, 25.6...87.34 years?!"
Ambient buried his face in his claws. "Because they hate you."
"Ohhhhh..." Hiltz nodded energetically. "Then maybe I'll buy them some PineSol, ya know, as a peace offering. Election Day comes but once a year!"
"Oi...I do believe I'm getting a migraine." Ambient massaged his temples with a pained look on his face. "Somebody fetch me a melon and a jumprope."
Shadow looked horrified. "LEAPIN' LIBRARIANS! AMBIENT'S GONNA COMMIT SUICIDE!!" He rushed over to the red organoid and started shaking him. "Don't do it, pal, don't do it! Sure you've been lied to your entire life and you've been sold into slavery under America's most delusional moron but you have to stop and smell the Waffle Crisp because the grandmas that make it would want you to-" He stopped suddenly. "Hey...man, your life is a joke. And...and if your life is a joke then MY life...MY life is a GRAVY TRAIN!"
"But Shadow..." Ambient tried to say.
"No, no Ambient I see clearly now. The condensed water falling from the sky is gone and I see the light at the end of the wombat! Our lives are pitiful enough to be used as stand-up material..."
Reese rushed out in a party hat with streamers and bells all over it, a microphone, and elf shoes with huge blue pompoms on the toes. "Why did Ambient cross the road?"
Cricket cricket cricket cricket...
"CAUSE HE WANTED TO GET RUNNED OVER CAUSE HIS LIFE BLOWS ZEBRAS!!" Specula dutifully tapped out "dun dun chsst" on the drums as Reese bowed to thunderous laughter and applause. "THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT, OKLAHOMA HOMIES!!" Then she disappeared in a puff of smoke.
"But Shadow..."
"Hahahahahahahaha-oh, are we back?" Shadow straightened his tie and cleared his throat and launched right back into his monologue as though he'd never paused for the comedy interval. "...and we're never going to get anywhere. We will ALWAYS eat Lean Cuisine leftovers. We will NEVER experience the joys of live theater and we will ALWAYS be denied the opportunity to stand up and say 'Balderdash, ye matey' and do you know why?"
"But Shadow..."
"BUT NOTHING, AMBIENT!! It's because we're bitterly mistreated weasels with no futures, no pasts, and no Aunt Jemima pancake mix, and we aren't going to take it anymore! I like the way you've decided to handle things and I'm going to do it with you! So in conclusion I would like to thank King Lincoln the Renowned Fascist of the oppressed Spanglish peoples for offering his wisdom and his high-powered heat-seeking missiles in times of tyranny, and also Mr. Clean, for giving the world the courage to stand up and say 'Bald is beautiful!'. And also you, my dear misguided Ambient of the Marmets, for showing me the light in a time when all had gone dark. Thank you for making me realize that my existence is futile and that if you're not living large, you may as well be baking cookies in a tree complaining about how no one believes in you."
*Far far away in the fruitful tree of the not-so-renowned Keebler elves*
"Pfft. Who does THAT?" Elwood rolled his eyes and went back to devising a better Keebler cookie.
*Back in the Dark Kaiser's lair, where this cast of idiots has been stuck for the past 3 months...Shadow is still speaking...*
"So we're going to go down TOGETHER!! We are going to end this fabricated and pain-ridden existence because I say NAY!!" Shadow began crying as he bowed, roses falling at his feet. "Thank you, thank you, you're beautiful people. I'll put in a good word upstairs for all of you."
Raven rolled his eyes as he took another slug of his fourth Budlight. "Shadow if you think you're getting up there...HA! I've got better chances of being spirited away to an island in the Caribbean with a bunch of hula chicks and a bottomless keg!" He smirked and sat back in his ridiculously expensive massaging chair.
Shadow grinned. "Okay then, if that's the way you want to play it..." He pressed a huge shiny glowy red button that looks really fun to press. "I WIN!!" he shouted triumphantly as a sonic boom sounded and Raven suddenly disappeared, beer and all.
Fiona looked around the lair with wide eyes. "Now vherever did zat man disappear to, eh vhippersnapper?"
Shadow smirked. "To an island in the Caribbean with a bunch of hula chicks and a bottomless keg, of course. Oh, and a Rubix Cube."
Fiona tilted her head to the side in confusion. "Vhy zat?"
Shadow stared at her as though she'd just told him that he had no chances of winning the Miss United States pageant. "YOU NEVER TRAVEL ANYWHERE WITHOUT A RUBIX CUBE!! DO YOU KNOW NOTHING?!" He took several deep breaths to regain his composure and extended a claw to Ambient. "I'm ready now. I've made the speech of champions and I'm willing to leave this world behind."
Ambient, who was ten seconds away from strapping Shadow to a Japanese kamikaze plane, walked over to the black organoid and grabbed him by the throat. "SHADOW!!!"
"What? I'm right here, you don't have to go all Jay Leno on me...sheesh..." Shadow rolled his eyes.
"No Shadow, apparently I do have to to get you to LISTEN TO ME!! ALL I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO FOR THE PAST TWENTY MINUTES IS GET YOU TO SHUT UP! BUT NOOOOO YOU JUST GO RIGHT ON YAPPING BLAHDY BLAHDY BLAHDY BLAH ABOUT PANCAKES AND OLD MEN AND SLINKIES!! WHAT'S NEXT, HUH? GONNA ATTRIBUTE THE RAISING GAS FARE IN KOREA TO THE FACT THAT YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF?! WELL YOU CAN GO DOWN ALONE, YA GOOD-FOR-NOTHING JERKFACE, CAUSE I AIN'T GOING WITH YOU!" He turned his back to Shadow and raised his claws in the air. "I'M NOT SELLING MY SOUL TO THE HOME SHOPPING NETWORK, YOU HEAR ME?! I'M NOT GOING TO HELL!!"
Shadow looked extremely annoyed. "Are you finished yet?"
"Yes...yes, I do believe that was all I wanted to say. But in case I didn't illustrate it well enough for you..." Ambient reached out and slapped Shadow in the face. "YOU'RE AN IMBECILE!!"
Shadow glared at the red organoid. "Okay, first of all, that was entirely uncalled for." He slapped Ambient in the face. "But now we're even. Secondly," he continued as Ambient flipped him off, "I never said a word about slinkies and it pains me to think that you weren't listening to my final fare-thee-wells. And to really put the cheese on the flippin' cracker, if you didn't want to commit suicide, you should have told me twenty minutes ago before I ordered this super deluxe ray gun to split us both in half!"
Ambient's face paled. "YOU WHAT?!?!" he screamed. He suddenly realized that he was strapped to the wall with metal chains and unbreakable constraints around his claws, feet, and neck. "Huh? When the crap did this happen?" He looked around and saw that Shadow was chained up next to him. "YOU SON OF A ZOIDIAN, HOW'D YOU DO THIS?!"
Shadow shrugged. "I watch a lot of television." He ignored Ambient's fury as a huge box appeared in front of them. "Oh joy! My super deluxe ray gun! Boy howdy, Ebay's good!"
"R-ray gun?! B-BUT I DON'T WANNA DIE! THERE'S SO MANY BROADWAY MUSICALS I HAVEN'T SEEN, SO MANY JELLYBEANS I HAVEN'T EATEN! I DON'T WANT IT TO END THIS WAY! I'M SO DEPRIVED!" Ambient cried.
Shadow shrugged. "Well gee bob, Ambient, you should've told me that twenty minutes ago."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Ambient screamed as he twisted and turned violently, trying desperately to break his bonds. "SHADOW YOU *&*%^%^!! I CAN'T BELIVE THIS *^%&%&$%$%#!! @$#^&**!!$#^%$!!"
O_O "AMBIENT! Control yourself! There's children here!" Shadow gestured to Hiltz, who was staring up from his coloring with wide eyes and Fiona, who was flipping rapidly through a dictionary and gasping. "Really, I must say, I expected better from you! This fic is only rated PG! You want us to lose our jobs?"
"WE'RE ABOUT TO LOSE OUR LIVES, IN CASE YOU'RE FORGETTING, COMMANDER MORON!" Ambient yelled angrily. "AND EVERYBODY LET YOU MAKE YOUR FINAL SPEECH; I DON'T SEE WHY I CAN'T MAKE MINE!"
Shadow sighed dramatically. "At any rate, it doesn't matter now. The time has come and I am fully ready and willing to sacrifice myself for the good of the country. May those who follow in my footsteps never forget this brave moment! I go down with only one regret: that I was not the brilliant mind responsible for creating Easy Cheese, the cheese that can be sprayed with ease." He lowered his head in reverence. "Let us take a moment to remember the greatness of the one who achieved the unthinkable."
"Um...so can I open the box now or what?" Specula asked, standing at the flap of the huge box with a bored look on her face.
"Thank you for believing where others lost faith, for continuing to pursue your dreams when thrown into a mental hospital, and for giving us six different varieties of cheesy greatness to bring joy into our otherwise mundane lives. Amen." Shadow lifted his head and grinned. "Easy Cheese can be purchased at your local food market and is available wherever fine goods are sold. Credit cards are accepted; price and participation may vary. Now available in Mesquite Barbecue!"
Specula stared at him. "Are you done yet or are you just going to keep honoring every moron in world history until you die of NATURAL causes?! Come on, let's get this done already! I've got better things to do than watch you get vaporized-wait, no I don't."
Ambient glared at her. "Whadya mean, you don't?! Do you have no friends? No extracurricular activities?! No raves or sororities or musical entertainment?! NOTHING?!"
Specula shrugged. "Chuck E. Cheeses doesn't open until ten."
Ambient rolled his eyes. "Oh God, how could I forget?" he drawled sarcastically. "Honestly...their mascot is an oversized RAT for crying out loud!"
Specula scowled. "Look, just because YOU never have anywhere to go on a Friday night doesn't mean you can badmouth Chuck E. Cheese...I invited you to go last weekend but noooooo..."
"Aw, don't worry about your lack of social status Ambient...you won't have any more weekends where you're sitting at home wearing your floral robe and watching Love Boat reruns while feasting on Pokemon fruit snacks, I can tell you that right now." Shadow assured him.
Ambient brightened. "Really? I-HEY!" His eyes narrowed as he looked over at Shadow. "How'd you know that's what I do on Friday nights?"
Shadow looked disgusted. "You mean you really DO that stuff?! Sheesh, I was just taking a random guess! You're more of a loser than I thought!"
Ambient groaned in despair. "Why me? Why me?" He snapped out of it and shouted at Shadow. "Hey, those Pokemon fruit snacks are fine cuisine! They come in seven different flavors AND the new packages include grape Pidgeottos and strawberry Vileplumes! SO THERE, YOU CHARLATAN!!"
"Oh no no, it's not the Pokemon fruit snacks that disturb me...it's the fact that you act out battle scenes with them and pretend that you're Ash Ketchum." Shadow replied nonchalantly.
"Hey, that only happened once!" Ambient shot back. Then he grinned stupidly. "Mostly I prefer being Lt. Surge."
"CAN I OPEN THE ROOTIN-TOOTIN BOX YET?!" Specula screamed impatiently.
"Okay, okay...no need to go medieval on me, Specula," Shadow replied calmly. He threw his head back dramatically and accidentally smashed it against the wall. "Ow...that hurted..." he whined.
"And you think getting sliced in half by a laser isn't going to hurt?!" Ambient shouted angrily.
Shadow looked at the red organoid in disbelief. "Of course not, don't be an idiot. It kills you instantly; you won't even feel anything!"
"Gee thanks, I feel SO much better about being violently slaughtered now." Ambient remarked dryly.
"Just doing my job, my friend." Shadow replied as Specula opened the box to reveal a black and blue super-deluxe ray gun with a giant picture of a 10,000 year old fruitcake on the side. "The time has come! I bid my final adieu to all those who will sorely miss my presence in this world."
"Such as?" Specula smirked.
"Daisy Fuentes and Colonel Sanders," Shadow told her solemnly. "And the creators of Clorox laundry products."
"MAMA'S GOT THE MAGIC, MAMA'S GOT THE MAGIC, MAMA'S GOT THE MAGIC OF CLOROX BLEACH, WOO!!" Hiltz and Fiona formed a two-person chorus line and began screeching as many commercial jingles as they could think of.
"Oooo, ooo how about BADADADADA I'M LOVIN' IT!!" Ambient sang.
Hiltz slung an arm around Fiona and they began swaying back and forth. "YOU WORK HARD FOR YOUR MONEY! SO HARD FOR IT HONEY! YOU WORK HARD FOR YOUR MONEY SO WE GOTTA TREAT YOU RIGHT!!"
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYY!!!" Specula screamed, causing the entire lair to shake and breaking almost as many windows as the Dark Kaiser during his stirring rendition of the "Alleluiah Chorus". Everyone turned and stared at her and Reese stopped dead in the middle of the Gilligan's Island theme song.
Specula jumped on top of the ray gun and positioned herself in front of the huge shiny polka-dot button that would activate the ray. "THIS ISN'T GONNA BE PUT OFF ANY LONGER! YOU TWO ARE GONNA BE SEVERED, I'M GONNA POINT AND LAUGH, AND EVERYTHING WILL BE HUNKY-DORY!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN GRAB YOUR POPCORN AND TARTAR SAUCE CAUSE THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO BEGIN!!"
"Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy!" Hiltz cried joyfully, stuffing his portable steak into his portable cookerator and settling down into a cow patterned beanbag with a plastic container of eatable bubbles at his side. "This is gonna be the bestest fun I've had since I adopted that squirrel on National Recycling Day last year!"
Ambient's face contorted into a look of pure terror. "NO!! DON'T PRESS IT! I'M TOO YOUNG! I'VE BARELY EVEN BEGUN TO LIVE!!"
"Now, Specula! The button!" Shadow shouted, closing his eyes. "FAREWELL CRUEL WORLD!!" He sniffled slightly. "If only I was a better tapdancer...I could've gone pro one day..."
"HANG ON TO YOUR HIPPOS!!" Specula yelled happily as she pressed the button.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! IT'S NOT FAIR!! I NEVER FULFILLED MY DREAMS!! I NEVER RODE IN A TAXI!! I NEVER PROCLAIMED MY LOVE FOR THAT GIRL IN CHALKZONE!! OH PENNY, IF ONLY YOU KNEW!!" Ambient screamed as he and Shadow were violently blasted with...STRAWBERRY DANIMALS DRINKABLE YOGURT?!?!
"WHAT THE #%$#^%$&&?! WHAT IS THIS, SPECULA?!" Shadow screamed in fury, spitting out a mouthful of yogurt in disgust.
"Umm...uhh...I'M SORRY IT WAS ALL THEY HAD! DON'T KILL ME!!" Specula cried, dropping to her knees and bowing her head in shame.
"I DON'T WANT YOUR TRASHY EXCUSES YOU GOOD-FOR-NOTHING BUMPKIN!! I TELL YOU TO ORDER ME A SUPER-DELUXE RAY GUN FROM EBAY AND THIS IS ALL I GET?! I'VE GOT HALF A MIND TO BURN YOU AT THE STAKE!!"
"Mmmmm good steak..." Hiltz drooled as he dipped his steak in tapioca pudding and shoved it in his mouth. He saw Fiona eyeing his pride and joy and hugged it to his chest protectively. "My steak! You no have!"
Fiona's eyes filled with tears. "All I vanted vas a little tapioca. Is zat so much to ask?" she cried out miserably.
Hiltz tilted his head to the side and thought for a few minutes. "Hmm...okay. I've got an extra tub of that." He threw the container of tapioca at Fiona and snapped his fingers at her while grinning idiotically. "Eat it all and have a ball!"
"Zee joy, it fills me, yah!" Fiona cried joyfully as she whipped out a jumbo-sized bottle of maraschino cherries and mixed them into the tapioca. She began chugging the mixture greedily. "Magnifique!" she shouted joyfully, spitting tapioca and cherries all over the floor.
Reese clamped her hands over her mouth as her face paled. "Aw God...I think I'm gonna spew."
"But Shadow," Specula pleaded. "You told me to order from *G*bay, not Ebay! And Gbay is against the selling of advanced high-tech weaponry. They promote maple syrup, cotton balls, and pineapple-flavored bubble bath!"
"GBAY?! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS GBAY?!" Shadow thundered. "WHAT KINDA FRUITY SCREWED-UP ONLINE CORPORATION SELLS DANIMALS DRINKABLE YOGURT BLASTING GUNS?!"
"Er, actually, it's a fruitcake-blasting gun...I went to the trouble of loading it with the yogurt cause I know you're allergic to pecans." Specula told him.
"SINCE WHEN ARE FRUITCAKES MEANT TO BE USED AS AMMUNITION?! THEIR ONLY PURPOSE IS SERVING AS THE WORLD'S CRAPPIEST AND MOST UNWANTED CHRISTMAS PRESENT! WHAT KIND OF DELUSIONAL MORON USES THEM TO LAUNCH ATTACKS ON MANKIND?!"
"LAUNCH THE ATTACK!!" Hiltz screamed as he and Fiona began chucking fruitcakes at the television screen. "DIE YOU WRETCH!" he shouted as the image of Martha Stewart was bombarded with fruity desserts.
Ambient's eyes, which had been tightly shut for the past ten minutes, finally opened. He looked around in astonishment, realizing that he was still surrounded by idiots. "I-I'm...alive?! I'M ALIVE!! Oh joy! Oh rapture! OH COCONUTS!!" he cried happily. "I'M ALIVE, I'M ALIVE AND-" he stopped suddenly and looked at his yogurt-coated armor. "-covered with some really nasty-smelling crap."
Shadow suddenly stopped screaming at Specula and smirked as he turned to Ambient. "Quite so...you're alive. Perhaps you'd like to explain this 'Penny' business?"
Ambient paled and looked around wildly for any chance of escape. Nothing. He fought in desperation to break the chains. "I-I was delirious! Delusional! I was seconds from death and I didn't know what I was saying!"
"Oh really? Then explain...THIS!!" Shadow whipped a copy of the "ChalkZone's Greatest Moments" DVD out of his pocket.
"HEY!! YOU WENT THROUGH MY CLOSET, YOU LUMMOX!!" Ambient screamed furiously.
"Oh, so this does belong to you?" Shadow asked smugly.
Ambient gulped as he realized the fatal mistake he had made. "Well I-I...you see, it was one of those things where...and the Dark Kaiser he said...and then... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Ambient screamed so loudly that he broke his bonds and fell from where he was strapped on the wall. "I'M FREE, I'M FREE!! I'M AN ESCAPE ARTIST CONNOISSEUR!!" he shouted joyfully. He whipped out a piece of magic chalk and quickly drew a really crappy-looking circle on the wall.
"TO CHALKZONE!!" he screamed triumphantly as he jumped through the portal. "RUDY!! PENNY!! I'M COMING!! I WANT TO BE ONE OF YOU!! I LOVE CHALK!! AND PEACOCKS!! I WANNA BE PART OF YOUR FAMILY!! FOREVER!!"
o_O Shadow, Specula, Hiltz, Fiona, and Reese all watched in shock, confusion, and fear as Ambient ran off. For about fifteen minutes everyone just stood around staring at each other like total morons until Reese finally spoke.
"He left the portal open," she said, staring at it. She turned to look at the four imbeciles surrounding her and nodded slowly. They all nodded back at her and after about ten more seconds of silence the choice was made.
"TO CHALKZONE!!!!" they screamed together as they jumped through the portal and the ChalkZone theme song began playing.
*Far far away on an island in the Caribbean...*
Raven*eyes one of the many hula chicks as he reaches into his bottomless keg for another Michelob Ultra*: Well well well...*whistles and smirks* aLOha...
o_O Oh God...they all went into ChalkZone...this can't be good...
Vega: Hey, don't forget all your excuses for taking so long.
*glares* It was school! All school! Plus I've been sick for the past two weeks...and yet, I still went to school the entire time. Thank God I'm on vacation now...I've never been so tortured.
Vega*rolls eyes*: Sheesh...all you ever do is complain.
*scowls* Why Vega, I don't think I've ever properly introduced you to the food processor! *grabs him by the collar and drags him over to her gigantic food processor*
Vega: O_O
Well that's all you're gonna get, people! Feel free to review while I teach my muse a lesson-it inspires the insanity needed to write this fic. ^____________^
Thanks, appreciation, and candy go to: Sanity-Stealing-Lawn-Gnome, Annie, Evil Person, Final Paradise, Maelgwyn, The Echidna, Dark Warrior, Blackraven10187, Stryker, Any-mass, idesel, The Black Blade Liger X (^____________________^)
Amrun: *proudly presents you with...A DANCING TOMATO!!* YAY!! ^___________^
Paladin Dragoon: *gives you the biggest cookie the world has ever sawed!* WHEEEEEE BIG BIG COOKIE AND IT'S ALL FOR YOU!! THE INSANITY WILL NEVER END!! ^_________________^
The Krazed Kitsune: The same thing happened to me all last year...I think I started scaring people from laughing so hard. But now I can't do that cause I don't have a computer class this year...-_-. Anyways, thanks so much for the reviews and I hope you liked this chappie! ^.^
weeheed: Thanks for the review. Now go work on your Raven/Reese fic; I want more of that! ^_^