A/N: Hey. Too much "Shoebox" and the interactive fic on the Yahoo! Group of MbNSlash has insane!Wufei muse working overtime, and he decided to take it out on me and make me do another one of these damned Dating Game bits.
****
Q to the im-bey! I hope you appreciate the pedophileness that I endowed Bombay with in this chapter. And the campaign endorsement. It's all for you, since you're a motherfuckin' P.I.M.P. and I'm just a lowly bitch.
****
The Sequel: "Games and Dating Shouldn't Be Blended in a Showdown Between Iron Chefs"
[SETTING: The retro 70s set of "The Dating Game." A wall splits the stage in two. On one side is the huge light-up Dating Game insignia and a comfortable chair. On the other side are three multi-colored beanbag chairs.]
[Coach Bombay comes onstage, trailed by a huge entourage of makeup artists, agents, sponsors, underage boys in bondage gear, and the occasional queen. The theme music for "The Dating Game" starts. In a final haze of hairspray and hockey jerseys, Bombay is alone on the stage again.]
BOMBAY: Hello and welcome to another very special edition of "The Dating Game"! I'm Coach Gordon Bombay, but you might know me as scary lawyer man, scary butthead coach man, scary evil coach-with-wet-hair man, scary spooky mentor-type man, or just scary short man who-looks-a-lot-like-that-dude-from-'The Breakfast Club.' Today, we have Linda, rich wannabe-granola girl from Eden Hall as our beautiful Bachelorette!
[Linda--wearing an expensive peasant blouse, stone-washed capris, and Birkenstocks--prances on stage and sits in the psychadelic-patterned polyester chair, giving her braided brown hair a flirtatious flip and winking at the camera.]
BOMBAY: Send in the Bachelors!
[Greg Goldberg, Russ Tyler, and Peter Mark are ushered onstage and sit down on their beanbags.]
BOMBAY: Now, we're ready to play...
AUDIENCE: THE DATING GAME!
LINDA: (shuffling her cards) Hello, Bachelors! How are you all?
GOLDBERG: Hi, um, Bachelorette. I'm fine...
RUSS: Hey, Linda, how /you/ doin'?
PETER: Heyyy, baby. Pick me and we'll both be real happy...I promise.
[Linda blushes.]
LINDA: Right, err...Bachelor One, what do you think about the 'Save the Rainforest' movement?
GOLDBERG: I think it's a bunch of tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie wannabes trying to make a difference when big corporations are just going to bulldoze the thing down sooner or later anyway.
LINDA: Uh-huh. (to Peter) Bachelor Three? Same question.
PETER: (obviously kissing up) I think that it's a wonderful idea. And, and...uh, a valiant effort on the part of truly concerned citizens of the planet Earth to...preserve the planet's natural beauty for...er, future generations.
LINDA: (buying into it like the naive little rich girl that she is) Ooh, Bachelor Three, you sound so erudite and compassionate!
[Bombay suddenly reappears onstage, wiping at his mouth and smiling nervously.]
BOMBAY: Let's go to commercial!
****
ANNOUNCER VOICE: George W. Bush is an evil man. Evil like processed cheese. Do you want a processed cheese president?
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: NO!
ANNOUNCER VOICE: The American people have spoken! We need someone else!
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: Someone better!
ANNOUNCER VOICE: Someone who's not afraid to admit that America has become a big bully!
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: Someone who's not afraid!
ANNOUNCER VOICE: Someone who loves America!
BOB DOLE: (stands up in the middle of the crowd) Bob Dole loves America!
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: We want Bob Dole as our president!
[A huge American flag unfurls, and Bob Dole paces in front of it, hopped up on Viagra.]
BOB DOLE: Bob Dole says, the American people know what they want! Cheap reality shows, drunk college girls flipping up their tops on video tape, and Bob Dole as President! That redneck Clinton can't stop me now! Bob Dole says, 'Vote for Bob Dole!'
[The words: BOB DOLE IN 2004 scroll across the screen]
ANNOUNCER VOICE: Paid for by the QFBD, Quimbys for Bob Dole.
****
[SETTING: The "Dating Game" set. Gordon is missing from the stage again. Linda is braiding a lanyard, Goldberg is reading 'The Joy of Cooking'--just in case he wins, he's going to cook a meal for the two of them. Peter is reading what looks to be a comic book, but the top edge of an issue of 'Penthouse' is showing. And Russ has a pair of headphones on, nodding his head to the beat.]
LINDA: Um, are we back on?
GOLDBERG: Yeah, where's Coach Bombay?
[Nothing happens. The camerman can be heard hissing, 'Just ask the questions!']
LINDA: Oh, right! Okay, Bachelor Two. What are you looking for in a girlfriend?
RUSS: (takes off headphones) She's gotta have a sense of humor...be able to put up with my crazy friends...um, being pretty wouldn't hurt too, ya know what I'm sayin'?
LINDA: (looks unimpressed) Bachelor Three, what are your hobbies?
PETER: I like to play hockey, go to parties...(starts saying what Linda wants to hear) uhmm, protest the WTO, exercise my sense of moral outrage, boycott non-organic farms...and, er, stuff like that.
LINDA: Sounds great! Bachelor One, same question.
[Before Goldberg can answer, however, there is the sound of door being broken down and the shout of "FBI! Put your hands over your head, you low-life scum!"]
[A scuffle breaks out backstage. People can be heard screaming.]
[Two FBI agents suddenly drag a half-naked Bombay onstage. They slam him against the back wall and handcuff him.]
FBI AGENT: You're under arrest, Gordon Bombay! We have outstanding warrants in seven states for you!
LINDA: Oh my gosh! What did he do?
OTHER FBI AGENT: Kidnapping, rape, unlawful sex with a minor, child pornography...
GOLDBERG: Oh, man, that is *nasty*!
[Suddenly, a man stands up in the audience.]
MAN: You have no right to arrest this man!
FBI AGENT: Yes, we do!
MAN: He's in the local chapter of NAMBLA! The North American Man-Boy Love Association! We have rights, too, you know!
OTHER FBI AGENT: Oh, yeah. (to Gordon) You have the right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law....
[The NAMBLA Man gets on the stage.]
NAMBLA MAN: There you have it, folks! Discrimination at its finest!
UNDERAGED BOY: You sick bastard! Your pal over there tried to have sex with me!
RUSS: Okay, that's it.
PETER: Man, oh man, all I wanted was a freakin' date!
GOLDBERG: Whaddaya say we go take out the trash?
[The three Bachelors come around the wall and drag NAMBLA Man offstage. Goldberg comes back onstage.]
GOLDBERG: 'Scuse me, Linda, we need the chair.
LINDA: (standing) Go right ahead.
[Goldberg picks up the chair and carries it offstage. Moments later, the sound of the chair breaking and lots of cursing from the Bachelors is heard.]
[Someone yells, "Go to commercial! Go to commercial!"]
****
[SETTING: Generic Monster Truck Rally commercial]
[Scenes of monster trucks leaping buses, crushing cars, the works]
SCREAMING ANNOUNCER: Come down to the HENDRIX AMPITHEATER for THE BEST DAMN MONSTER TRUCK SHOW PERIOD! WE'VE GOT SMASHING, CRASHING, AND A MONSTER TRUCK DEATHMATCH!
SECOND SCREAMING ANNOUNCER: TICKETS ARE $666 FOR ADULTS, $420 FOR TEENS, AND $333 FOR THE KIDS! Or you can simply give us YOUR SOUL!
QUIET ANNOUNCER: All souls must be sold to AOL Time Warner.
SCREAMING ANNOUNCER: GIVE US YOUR SOUL!!!! Concessions are FREE for those WHO PAY WITH THEIR SOULS!
****
[SETTING: Dating Game set. Peter and Linda have vanished. Goldberg and Russ are still beating on the NAMBLA man, who is whimpering pitifully and crawling toward the FBI agents.]
NAMBLA MAN: Arrest me too! Arrest me! I have the biggest collection of kiddie porn in the Western Hemisphere! Just stop these kids!
FBI AGENT: Thank you, boys. We'll take it from here.
[Russ scowls and shoves a rusty chair spring through the man's hand.]
[NAMBLA Man screams pitifully.]
RUSS: Damn, looks like Peter ran off with Linda.
GOLDBERG: Forget about it. He'll just get her drunk and try to get in her pants. She'll be so disgusted, she'll come running back for one of us.
OTHER FBI AGENT: The show is over! Cut the feed!
CAMERAMAN: We still have five minutes left!
[Two familiar young men run onto the set]
WAYNE CAMPBELL: We've got you covered, man!
WAYNE AND GARTH: Wayne's World, Wayne's World...party time, excellent!
END TRANSMISSION
****
Q to the im-bey! I hope you appreciate the pedophileness that I endowed Bombay with in this chapter. And the campaign endorsement. It's all for you, since you're a motherfuckin' P.I.M.P. and I'm just a lowly bitch.
****
The Sequel: "Games and Dating Shouldn't Be Blended in a Showdown Between Iron Chefs"
[SETTING: The retro 70s set of "The Dating Game." A wall splits the stage in two. On one side is the huge light-up Dating Game insignia and a comfortable chair. On the other side are three multi-colored beanbag chairs.]
[Coach Bombay comes onstage, trailed by a huge entourage of makeup artists, agents, sponsors, underage boys in bondage gear, and the occasional queen. The theme music for "The Dating Game" starts. In a final haze of hairspray and hockey jerseys, Bombay is alone on the stage again.]
BOMBAY: Hello and welcome to another very special edition of "The Dating Game"! I'm Coach Gordon Bombay, but you might know me as scary lawyer man, scary butthead coach man, scary evil coach-with-wet-hair man, scary spooky mentor-type man, or just scary short man who-looks-a-lot-like-that-dude-from-'The Breakfast Club.' Today, we have Linda, rich wannabe-granola girl from Eden Hall as our beautiful Bachelorette!
[Linda--wearing an expensive peasant blouse, stone-washed capris, and Birkenstocks--prances on stage and sits in the psychadelic-patterned polyester chair, giving her braided brown hair a flirtatious flip and winking at the camera.]
BOMBAY: Send in the Bachelors!
[Greg Goldberg, Russ Tyler, and Peter Mark are ushered onstage and sit down on their beanbags.]
BOMBAY: Now, we're ready to play...
AUDIENCE: THE DATING GAME!
LINDA: (shuffling her cards) Hello, Bachelors! How are you all?
GOLDBERG: Hi, um, Bachelorette. I'm fine...
RUSS: Hey, Linda, how /you/ doin'?
PETER: Heyyy, baby. Pick me and we'll both be real happy...I promise.
[Linda blushes.]
LINDA: Right, err...Bachelor One, what do you think about the 'Save the Rainforest' movement?
GOLDBERG: I think it's a bunch of tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie wannabes trying to make a difference when big corporations are just going to bulldoze the thing down sooner or later anyway.
LINDA: Uh-huh. (to Peter) Bachelor Three? Same question.
PETER: (obviously kissing up) I think that it's a wonderful idea. And, and...uh, a valiant effort on the part of truly concerned citizens of the planet Earth to...preserve the planet's natural beauty for...er, future generations.
LINDA: (buying into it like the naive little rich girl that she is) Ooh, Bachelor Three, you sound so erudite and compassionate!
[Bombay suddenly reappears onstage, wiping at his mouth and smiling nervously.]
BOMBAY: Let's go to commercial!
****
ANNOUNCER VOICE: George W. Bush is an evil man. Evil like processed cheese. Do you want a processed cheese president?
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: NO!
ANNOUNCER VOICE: The American people have spoken! We need someone else!
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: Someone better!
ANNOUNCER VOICE: Someone who's not afraid to admit that America has become a big bully!
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: Someone who's not afraid!
ANNOUNCER VOICE: Someone who loves America!
BOB DOLE: (stands up in the middle of the crowd) Bob Dole loves America!
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE: We want Bob Dole as our president!
[A huge American flag unfurls, and Bob Dole paces in front of it, hopped up on Viagra.]
BOB DOLE: Bob Dole says, the American people know what they want! Cheap reality shows, drunk college girls flipping up their tops on video tape, and Bob Dole as President! That redneck Clinton can't stop me now! Bob Dole says, 'Vote for Bob Dole!'
[The words: BOB DOLE IN 2004 scroll across the screen]
ANNOUNCER VOICE: Paid for by the QFBD, Quimbys for Bob Dole.
****
[SETTING: The "Dating Game" set. Gordon is missing from the stage again. Linda is braiding a lanyard, Goldberg is reading 'The Joy of Cooking'--just in case he wins, he's going to cook a meal for the two of them. Peter is reading what looks to be a comic book, but the top edge of an issue of 'Penthouse' is showing. And Russ has a pair of headphones on, nodding his head to the beat.]
LINDA: Um, are we back on?
GOLDBERG: Yeah, where's Coach Bombay?
[Nothing happens. The camerman can be heard hissing, 'Just ask the questions!']
LINDA: Oh, right! Okay, Bachelor Two. What are you looking for in a girlfriend?
RUSS: (takes off headphones) She's gotta have a sense of humor...be able to put up with my crazy friends...um, being pretty wouldn't hurt too, ya know what I'm sayin'?
LINDA: (looks unimpressed) Bachelor Three, what are your hobbies?
PETER: I like to play hockey, go to parties...(starts saying what Linda wants to hear) uhmm, protest the WTO, exercise my sense of moral outrage, boycott non-organic farms...and, er, stuff like that.
LINDA: Sounds great! Bachelor One, same question.
[Before Goldberg can answer, however, there is the sound of door being broken down and the shout of "FBI! Put your hands over your head, you low-life scum!"]
[A scuffle breaks out backstage. People can be heard screaming.]
[Two FBI agents suddenly drag a half-naked Bombay onstage. They slam him against the back wall and handcuff him.]
FBI AGENT: You're under arrest, Gordon Bombay! We have outstanding warrants in seven states for you!
LINDA: Oh my gosh! What did he do?
OTHER FBI AGENT: Kidnapping, rape, unlawful sex with a minor, child pornography...
GOLDBERG: Oh, man, that is *nasty*!
[Suddenly, a man stands up in the audience.]
MAN: You have no right to arrest this man!
FBI AGENT: Yes, we do!
MAN: He's in the local chapter of NAMBLA! The North American Man-Boy Love Association! We have rights, too, you know!
OTHER FBI AGENT: Oh, yeah. (to Gordon) You have the right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law....
[The NAMBLA Man gets on the stage.]
NAMBLA MAN: There you have it, folks! Discrimination at its finest!
UNDERAGED BOY: You sick bastard! Your pal over there tried to have sex with me!
RUSS: Okay, that's it.
PETER: Man, oh man, all I wanted was a freakin' date!
GOLDBERG: Whaddaya say we go take out the trash?
[The three Bachelors come around the wall and drag NAMBLA Man offstage. Goldberg comes back onstage.]
GOLDBERG: 'Scuse me, Linda, we need the chair.
LINDA: (standing) Go right ahead.
[Goldberg picks up the chair and carries it offstage. Moments later, the sound of the chair breaking and lots of cursing from the Bachelors is heard.]
[Someone yells, "Go to commercial! Go to commercial!"]
****
[SETTING: Generic Monster Truck Rally commercial]
[Scenes of monster trucks leaping buses, crushing cars, the works]
SCREAMING ANNOUNCER: Come down to the HENDRIX AMPITHEATER for THE BEST DAMN MONSTER TRUCK SHOW PERIOD! WE'VE GOT SMASHING, CRASHING, AND A MONSTER TRUCK DEATHMATCH!
SECOND SCREAMING ANNOUNCER: TICKETS ARE $666 FOR ADULTS, $420 FOR TEENS, AND $333 FOR THE KIDS! Or you can simply give us YOUR SOUL!
QUIET ANNOUNCER: All souls must be sold to AOL Time Warner.
SCREAMING ANNOUNCER: GIVE US YOUR SOUL!!!! Concessions are FREE for those WHO PAY WITH THEIR SOULS!
****
[SETTING: Dating Game set. Peter and Linda have vanished. Goldberg and Russ are still beating on the NAMBLA man, who is whimpering pitifully and crawling toward the FBI agents.]
NAMBLA MAN: Arrest me too! Arrest me! I have the biggest collection of kiddie porn in the Western Hemisphere! Just stop these kids!
FBI AGENT: Thank you, boys. We'll take it from here.
[Russ scowls and shoves a rusty chair spring through the man's hand.]
[NAMBLA Man screams pitifully.]
RUSS: Damn, looks like Peter ran off with Linda.
GOLDBERG: Forget about it. He'll just get her drunk and try to get in her pants. She'll be so disgusted, she'll come running back for one of us.
OTHER FBI AGENT: The show is over! Cut the feed!
CAMERAMAN: We still have five minutes left!
[Two familiar young men run onto the set]
WAYNE CAMPBELL: We've got you covered, man!
WAYNE AND GARTH: Wayne's World, Wayne's World...party time, excellent!
END TRANSMISSION