A/N: Please don't get mad because of certain gay jokes within. They might seem like bashes, but they truly aren't.
::drags in a couch upon which are parked the oh-so-cute butts of Fulton Reed and Dean Portman::
These are Bashes. ::ducks rotten vegetables thrown at her:: Oh, like it wasn't a good pun!
****
And Star, THE Averman fangirl, guess who the main Bachelor is for this chapter? ^_^
****
The Sequel to the Sequel: "Games and Dating Shouldn't Be Crossbred for Scientific Research, Either"
[SETTING: The retro 70s set of "The Dating Game." A wall splits the stage in two. On one side is the huge light-up Dating Game insignia and a comfortable chair. On the other side are three grey swivel computer chairs.]
[Wolf 'the Dentist' Stansson comes onstage. The theme music for "The Dating Game" starts.]
STANSSON: Hello and welcome to another very special edition of "The Dating Game"! Since Gordon Bombay is on trial for, among other things, kiddy porn (I always thought the guy was a sicko...), I will be filling in today. I am Wolf Stansson, also known as 'the Dentist,' for the fact that I like to punch people in the face--it's not my fault that their teeth fall out because I punch them! And also, since Bravo--AKA "Lifetime Channel for Gays"--has rented the soundstage for the day, this episode of the Dating Game is going to have a very "Boy Meets Boy" format. You know what I mean. Bring in the four Bachelors!
[On Stansson's side of the wall, Les Averman runs onstage and dives onto the psychadelic-patterned polyester recliner. He waves at the camera and grins widely.]
AVERMAN: Hi, Dad! Hi!
STANSSON: This is Les Averman, our main Bachelor, who will be choosing from three other young men the one that he wants to go on a date with. Where are your question cards?
AVERMAN: Right here. Can we start now?
[Suddenly, from the audience...]
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Would ya look at the size of that kid's head! It's the size of a planetoid and it has it's own weather system! Looks like an orange on a toothpick!
AVERMAN: What? What the hell?
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Aye, now that was offsides, now wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.
AVERMAN: Ha ha, very funny. How would you like a hockey puck in your teeth?
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Oooh, I'm so scared...Melon-head!
[Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall, the three Bachelors have taken their seats. Adam Banks is sitting in the first chair, absent-mindedly massaging his wrist. Ken Wu is twirling around in the second chair. Luis Mendoza has whipped out a compact mirror and is checking out his hair.]
STANSSON: Right... Well, Averman, start asking the questions.
[Averman picks up a random card and reads.]
AVERMAN: "Bachelor One, do you have any hobbies?"
ADAM: Well, I take lots of painkillers and go to raves, man, that's fun. Or I get drunk and crash a karaoke bar. Other than that, I don't really have any hobbies.
STANSSON: (muttering to himself) Why is there always one contestant who likes to get drunk on this stupid show?
AVERMAN: You sound like a real wild-child, Bachelor One. (mumbles) I'm not sure whether I should be happy, or scared... (aloud) Bachelor Three, if you were a dessert, how would you describe yourself?
LUIS: Dessert, is it? Well, I'd have to say that I'm like an ice cream sundae. Sweet, smooth, and topped with all the right stuff.
[Luis smiles fetchingly at the audience. There is the sound of several young women and men swooning off-camera.]
KEN: (still spinning) Oh, brother.
AVERMAN: Bachelor Two, who is your role model?
KEN: Umm...(spins faster, to help himself think) I'd have to say my dad, because he worked very hard to give my family opportunities that he never had for himself.
ADAM: Dude...you're making me dizzy just watching you.
[Luis sticks out his hand and grabs the back of Ken's chair. The Asian boy stops suddenly and turns a rather disgusting shade of green.]
KEN: Oh, God... (dives off-stage)
[There is the sound of retching. Averman looks concerned.]
AVERMAN: Um, shouldn't you see if he's okay?
ADAM: Oh, please, I do that all the time and nobody cares...
LUIS: That's cos you're a freakin' drunk.
STANSSON: Right, right. Go to commercial!
****
[SETTING: Star's flat. Star is surrounded by fairy lights and other such Christmas decorations. She is trying to hammer a nail into the wall, but nothing happens when she hits it with a hammer.]
CARLA: Psst, Star! We're on!
STAR: Really? (picks up an ashtray) (aside) Well, it's worth a try...
[Star whacks the nail with the ashtray. The nail is now successfully stuck in the wall.]
STAR: Awesome. Hey, Carla, bring the viewers up to speed while I grab the old man?
CARLA: Sure. (Carla comes around the camera into the shot.) Hi, everyone. Star has been having some trouble getting her Christmas decorations up, so she kidnapped Santa Claus, delaying Christmas until she gets everything up. Even these evil fairy lights. The only problem is--
[Someone can be heard shouting, "And when I get out of here, you're on the naughty list for life!"]
CARLA: Hey! Santa, you shut up! You're interrupting my monologue!
[Star drags Santa into the room. The jolly old man is trussed up with ropes, gift ribbon, and twine. Star pushes him onto a chair and uses duct tape to restrain him. Then she removes his pointed red cap and stuff it in his mouth. Silence.]
CARLA: That's better. As you can see, this is not a bluff. We really DO have Santa Claus here. So this is a message to Mrs. Claus.
STAR: Send some of those elves to help me out, or Santa stays with me! And no rescue missions either--or I'll start him on the Atkins diet, I swear! Skinny Santa would be bad press, wouldn't it, Mrs. Claus?
[Carla holds a cardboard sign up to the camera, effectively blocking out everything else. The sign reads: "You know where Star lives, Claus. You have twelve hours to comply with our demands, or else!"]
STAR'S VOICE: Oh, and bring some M&Ms, too! If you don't, I have Slim Fast somewhere in the kitchen!
****
STANSSON: And we're back. Now Averman can ask more stupid questions so that he can go out on a waste-of-time date. Say, Averman, why are you even on this show? Can't get a date yourself? Loser.
AVERMAN: Says the man whose team had its collective ass kicked by the Mighty Ducks.
STANSSON: Just ask the questions, you melon-headed freak!
[Someone in the audience stands up.]
ORION: You leave that kid alone, Wolf!
KEN, LUIS, ADAM, and AVERMAN: Fight, fight, fight, fight...
[The audience takes up this chant as Orion comes up on Averman and Stannson's side of the stage.]
ORION: You're a mean, evil man! Even more than I pretended to be in the beginning of the third movie! And you got kicked out of the NHL, too!
STANNSON: You aren't playing pro either!
ORION: I left for honorable reasons, unlike you, Punchy!
[The two coaches stare at each other for a long time. The Bachelors start getting bored: Luis starts primping and preening, Ken pulls out a copy of "The Hobbit," and Adam sneaks a flask out of his jacket pocket and swigs repeatedly.]
AVERMAN: (singing softly) My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R...
EVERYONE: SHUT UP, AVERMAN!
STANNSON: Orion, I challenge you to a Coach-Off!
ORION: And I accept!
PRODUCER: Wait a minute! We have to go to commerical now!
ORION AND STANNSON: (whining) Aww, do we have to?
****
[Dave Karp sits on the bench, tossing his hockey stick from hand to hand as he sings.]
KARP: My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R...
[Quick cut to Tammy Duncan doing a figure eight on the ice.]
TAMMY: My bologna has a second name, it's M-E-Y-E-R...
[Tommy Duncan skates by, also singing:]
TOMMY: 'Cause Oscar Meyer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!
[All of them look at the camera and say...]
ALL: Well, we never went to the Goodwill Games, did we?
****
[Back at the "Dating Game" stage, it's complete chaos. People are screaming and running all over the place. Half the set is on fire, while the coaches have their Coach-Off. Stannson looks like he's made of ice now, and he is shooting beams of ice from his hands at random. Orion is nowhere to be seen. Ken and Adam seem to have run off.]
AVERMAN: (cowering with Luis under the partially-collapsed wall) Damn, now I know not to piss Orion off!
[Stannson is suddenly hit from behind by a big fireball. He screams and melts.]
ORION: (looking very Human Torch) Take that, you Icelandic wannabe! (he turns and shouts to Averman) You made your choice yet, Red?
AVERMAN: Ye-yes, sir! (stands up and flings his arms around Luis) I want this one! Only please don't make me extra-crispy!
ORION: Okie dokie. (he becomes normal again)
LUIS: Um, let's go now. (he grabs Averman's hand and they run away)
ORION: (to the camera) To my fellow coaches--remember, a Coach-Off is serious business. Never use your powers to discipline your players. With great power comes great responsiblity!
END TRANSMISSION
::drags in a couch upon which are parked the oh-so-cute butts of Fulton Reed and Dean Portman::
These are Bashes. ::ducks rotten vegetables thrown at her:: Oh, like it wasn't a good pun!
****
And Star, THE Averman fangirl, guess who the main Bachelor is for this chapter? ^_^
****
The Sequel to the Sequel: "Games and Dating Shouldn't Be Crossbred for Scientific Research, Either"
[SETTING: The retro 70s set of "The Dating Game." A wall splits the stage in two. On one side is the huge light-up Dating Game insignia and a comfortable chair. On the other side are three grey swivel computer chairs.]
[Wolf 'the Dentist' Stansson comes onstage. The theme music for "The Dating Game" starts.]
STANSSON: Hello and welcome to another very special edition of "The Dating Game"! Since Gordon Bombay is on trial for, among other things, kiddy porn (I always thought the guy was a sicko...), I will be filling in today. I am Wolf Stansson, also known as 'the Dentist,' for the fact that I like to punch people in the face--it's not my fault that their teeth fall out because I punch them! And also, since Bravo--AKA "Lifetime Channel for Gays"--has rented the soundstage for the day, this episode of the Dating Game is going to have a very "Boy Meets Boy" format. You know what I mean. Bring in the four Bachelors!
[On Stansson's side of the wall, Les Averman runs onstage and dives onto the psychadelic-patterned polyester recliner. He waves at the camera and grins widely.]
AVERMAN: Hi, Dad! Hi!
STANSSON: This is Les Averman, our main Bachelor, who will be choosing from three other young men the one that he wants to go on a date with. Where are your question cards?
AVERMAN: Right here. Can we start now?
[Suddenly, from the audience...]
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Would ya look at the size of that kid's head! It's the size of a planetoid and it has it's own weather system! Looks like an orange on a toothpick!
AVERMAN: What? What the hell?
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Aye, now that was offsides, now wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.
AVERMAN: Ha ha, very funny. How would you like a hockey puck in your teeth?
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Oooh, I'm so scared...Melon-head!
[Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall, the three Bachelors have taken their seats. Adam Banks is sitting in the first chair, absent-mindedly massaging his wrist. Ken Wu is twirling around in the second chair. Luis Mendoza has whipped out a compact mirror and is checking out his hair.]
STANSSON: Right... Well, Averman, start asking the questions.
[Averman picks up a random card and reads.]
AVERMAN: "Bachelor One, do you have any hobbies?"
ADAM: Well, I take lots of painkillers and go to raves, man, that's fun. Or I get drunk and crash a karaoke bar. Other than that, I don't really have any hobbies.
STANSSON: (muttering to himself) Why is there always one contestant who likes to get drunk on this stupid show?
AVERMAN: You sound like a real wild-child, Bachelor One. (mumbles) I'm not sure whether I should be happy, or scared... (aloud) Bachelor Three, if you were a dessert, how would you describe yourself?
LUIS: Dessert, is it? Well, I'd have to say that I'm like an ice cream sundae. Sweet, smooth, and topped with all the right stuff.
[Luis smiles fetchingly at the audience. There is the sound of several young women and men swooning off-camera.]
KEN: (still spinning) Oh, brother.
AVERMAN: Bachelor Two, who is your role model?
KEN: Umm...(spins faster, to help himself think) I'd have to say my dad, because he worked very hard to give my family opportunities that he never had for himself.
ADAM: Dude...you're making me dizzy just watching you.
[Luis sticks out his hand and grabs the back of Ken's chair. The Asian boy stops suddenly and turns a rather disgusting shade of green.]
KEN: Oh, God... (dives off-stage)
[There is the sound of retching. Averman looks concerned.]
AVERMAN: Um, shouldn't you see if he's okay?
ADAM: Oh, please, I do that all the time and nobody cares...
LUIS: That's cos you're a freakin' drunk.
STANSSON: Right, right. Go to commercial!
****
[SETTING: Star's flat. Star is surrounded by fairy lights and other such Christmas decorations. She is trying to hammer a nail into the wall, but nothing happens when she hits it with a hammer.]
CARLA: Psst, Star! We're on!
STAR: Really? (picks up an ashtray) (aside) Well, it's worth a try...
[Star whacks the nail with the ashtray. The nail is now successfully stuck in the wall.]
STAR: Awesome. Hey, Carla, bring the viewers up to speed while I grab the old man?
CARLA: Sure. (Carla comes around the camera into the shot.) Hi, everyone. Star has been having some trouble getting her Christmas decorations up, so she kidnapped Santa Claus, delaying Christmas until she gets everything up. Even these evil fairy lights. The only problem is--
[Someone can be heard shouting, "And when I get out of here, you're on the naughty list for life!"]
CARLA: Hey! Santa, you shut up! You're interrupting my monologue!
[Star drags Santa into the room. The jolly old man is trussed up with ropes, gift ribbon, and twine. Star pushes him onto a chair and uses duct tape to restrain him. Then she removes his pointed red cap and stuff it in his mouth. Silence.]
CARLA: That's better. As you can see, this is not a bluff. We really DO have Santa Claus here. So this is a message to Mrs. Claus.
STAR: Send some of those elves to help me out, or Santa stays with me! And no rescue missions either--or I'll start him on the Atkins diet, I swear! Skinny Santa would be bad press, wouldn't it, Mrs. Claus?
[Carla holds a cardboard sign up to the camera, effectively blocking out everything else. The sign reads: "You know where Star lives, Claus. You have twelve hours to comply with our demands, or else!"]
STAR'S VOICE: Oh, and bring some M&Ms, too! If you don't, I have Slim Fast somewhere in the kitchen!
****
STANSSON: And we're back. Now Averman can ask more stupid questions so that he can go out on a waste-of-time date. Say, Averman, why are you even on this show? Can't get a date yourself? Loser.
AVERMAN: Says the man whose team had its collective ass kicked by the Mighty Ducks.
STANSSON: Just ask the questions, you melon-headed freak!
[Someone in the audience stands up.]
ORION: You leave that kid alone, Wolf!
KEN, LUIS, ADAM, and AVERMAN: Fight, fight, fight, fight...
[The audience takes up this chant as Orion comes up on Averman and Stannson's side of the stage.]
ORION: You're a mean, evil man! Even more than I pretended to be in the beginning of the third movie! And you got kicked out of the NHL, too!
STANNSON: You aren't playing pro either!
ORION: I left for honorable reasons, unlike you, Punchy!
[The two coaches stare at each other for a long time. The Bachelors start getting bored: Luis starts primping and preening, Ken pulls out a copy of "The Hobbit," and Adam sneaks a flask out of his jacket pocket and swigs repeatedly.]
AVERMAN: (singing softly) My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R...
EVERYONE: SHUT UP, AVERMAN!
STANNSON: Orion, I challenge you to a Coach-Off!
ORION: And I accept!
PRODUCER: Wait a minute! We have to go to commerical now!
ORION AND STANNSON: (whining) Aww, do we have to?
****
[Dave Karp sits on the bench, tossing his hockey stick from hand to hand as he sings.]
KARP: My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R...
[Quick cut to Tammy Duncan doing a figure eight on the ice.]
TAMMY: My bologna has a second name, it's M-E-Y-E-R...
[Tommy Duncan skates by, also singing:]
TOMMY: 'Cause Oscar Meyer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A!
[All of them look at the camera and say...]
ALL: Well, we never went to the Goodwill Games, did we?
****
[Back at the "Dating Game" stage, it's complete chaos. People are screaming and running all over the place. Half the set is on fire, while the coaches have their Coach-Off. Stannson looks like he's made of ice now, and he is shooting beams of ice from his hands at random. Orion is nowhere to be seen. Ken and Adam seem to have run off.]
AVERMAN: (cowering with Luis under the partially-collapsed wall) Damn, now I know not to piss Orion off!
[Stannson is suddenly hit from behind by a big fireball. He screams and melts.]
ORION: (looking very Human Torch) Take that, you Icelandic wannabe! (he turns and shouts to Averman) You made your choice yet, Red?
AVERMAN: Ye-yes, sir! (stands up and flings his arms around Luis) I want this one! Only please don't make me extra-crispy!
ORION: Okie dokie. (he becomes normal again)
LUIS: Um, let's go now. (he grabs Averman's hand and they run away)
ORION: (to the camera) To my fellow coaches--remember, a Coach-Off is serious business. Never use your powers to discipline your players. With great power comes great responsiblity!
END TRANSMISSION