The Sequel to the Sequel's Sequel: "Games and Dating Make a Strange Amalgamation"
[SETTING: The retro 70s set of "The Dating Game." A wall splits the stage in two. On one side is the huge light-up Dating Game insignia and a comfortable chair. On the other side are three high-backed mahogany chairs with neon-green pleather cushions.]
[Coach Orion comes onstage. The theme music for "The Dating Game" starts.]
ORION: Hello and welcome to another very special edition of "The Dating Game"! I'm Coach Ted Orion--responsible father and hard-ass JV coach at Eden Hall. (sighs) What? I was only in one movie...people don't have a lot of information on me and my family other than the fact that I used to play in the NHL but gave it up when my beloved daughter was in a car accident and ended up in a wheelchair. And nobody wants to make jokes about that. Today, we have a returning contestant--the Bachelorette, Tammy Duncan! And may I say, that Oscar Meyer commercial you were in was sort of sad.
TAMMY: (shrugs) Hey, it pays the bills, Ted.
ORION: I have a friend who might be able to get you into a couple competitions for amateur figure skating.
TAMMY: Badass! I don't understand why Spazway had such a problem with you, man. You're SO much cooler than that pedo, Bombay.
[During Orion's monologue and the previous discussion, the Bachelors have come onstage and taken their--rather uncomfortable--seats. Charlie Conway is in the first seat, Terry Hall is in the middle, and Dave Karp sits on the end.]
ORION: Thanks very much, Ms. Duncan. Bachelors? Say hello to our lovely Bachelorette!
CHARLIE: Uh, hey.
TERRY: Hi, how are you?
KARP: Um...er...hello?
TAMMY: Hi, guys!
ORION: Ms. Duncan, get out your question cards so that we can play...
AUDIENCE: THE DATING GAME!
[Tammy rolls her eyes.]
TAMMY: Whatever. Okay, Bachelor One, what are your tastes in music?
CHARLIE: I like Pantera, AC DC, and Black Sabbath...those kind of bands.
TAMMY: Bachelor Three, describe your ideal woman.
KARP: Gosh, I don't know...
TAMMY: C'mon, man! Adjectives are your friend! Do you like 'em tall, short, skinny, fat, black, white, Indian, Asian, what?
KARP: Um...I guess...Heather Locklear?
[Complete silence. Tammy sighs.]
TAMMY: Right. (under her breath) Let's not waste any more time on you, man. (aloud) Bachelor Two, same question.
TERRY: I don't care what a girl looks like, as long as we can get along. If we enjoy spending time together and I make her happy, that's all I care about.
[Everyone onstage looks impressed with this answer, except for...]
KARP: (sullenly) I coulda said some bullshit like that, too.
****
[Shot of a frustrated-looking young woman, tapping a pencil on her desk as she stares at the notebook in front of her.]
VOICE-OVER: Do you ever feel like you can't measure up to the standards held for quality fanfiction?
[Various other voices say: "Your writing is flat and lifeless!" "I could barely finish reading this!" and "Don't you know a Mary Sue when you write one?" as the woman, now at her computer and signed onto the Internet, logs onto FanFiction.Net]
VOICE-OVER: Have you finally admitted that maybe, just maybe, those other writers aren't as crazy as you tried to convince yourself they were? Have you realized that, in the herd that is Ducks fanfiction writers, YOU are the sick wildebeast?
[Shot of a school campus that strongly resembles Eden Hall. As the voice-over goes on, images of the faculty teaching and of other students dillegently taking notes are shown.]
VOICE-OVER: If so, we encourage you to enroll at DUFF, the Ducks University of Fanfiction. You'll be taught by the experts--the team members of the Mighty Ducks themselves--how to write stories for the fandom. You'll be among your peers, some of whom are considered the elite of the fandom.
[Finally, the Mary Sue Containment Center is shown. Cut to Averman, controlling periodic flashes of purange as the Mary Sues flinch and cower.]
VOICE-OVER: And please, fanauthors, remember: "A Mary Sue is what we'd love to waste!"
AVERMAN: And we mean 'waste' in the sense of 'destroy completely,' as in a couple bullets to the brain. Unfortunately, since we're owned by Disney, guns don't exist in this world, so we just throw sunburned potatoes at them.
[Charisma and Quimby come into the scene. Charisma climbs up onto Averman's work station and begins chucking potatoes at the Mary Sues, while Quimby sits on the floor chanting, "Become one with the quail, become one with the quail..."]
CHARISMA: Sad as I am to admit it, Duff, Gilby, Slash, Axl, and anyone else affiliated with Guns 'n' Roses do not endorse DUFF in the slightest.
QUIMBY: Enroll now! (she puts a belt on her head) Because Quailgirl said to, bi-atch!
****
[Back to the Dating Game set. Mr. Tibbles and Coach Orion are arguing in hushed voices in one corner while Tammy paints her nails with Pond Scum Green by Crapola. Dave is sulking, Charlie is singing 'Hells Bells' in an off-key voice, and Terry is quietly doing some yoga.]
ORION: (sees the On-Air sign lit up) And, we're back! (shoves Mr. Tibbles out of the shot) Time for more questions from Tammy!
TAMMY: Right. (handles the cards carefully, trying not to smudge her nails) Bachelor Two, do you like watching MTV, VH1, or MTV2 the best?
KARP: Oh, MTV2, definitely. The other channels hardly ever play music videos anymore, and that's what music television is supposed to be about, isn't it?
TAMMY: (mutters to herself) Bonus points, Three. Maybe I'll give you a chance. (aloud) Bachelor One, describe Bachelor Two for me. And when he's done, Bachelor Two, do the same for him.
CHARLIE: Well, he's kind of short...a little on the skinny side, too. And he's doing yoga or something as we speak. He's black, and his hair hasn't been relaxed, but it's not quite a 'fro yet.
TERRY: Oh, we always gotta make it about color, don't we?
CHARLIE: Dude, nothing personal. But that's important to know.
TERRY: (scowling) Okay, Bachelorette, let me tell you about this punk here next to me. He's a white boy, as you no doubt have figured out, his hair is dark brown and all over the place on his pointy head, his eyes look kinda sunken in his face, and he's got a protruding forehead. Caveman, girl, complete caveman. He's tall and muscular and he's stinkin' up the place. Hey, when's the last time you took a bath, Christmas of '92?
CHARLIE: What? You little monkey!
TERRY: He called me a monkey! He called me a goddamned monkey! You racist bastard!
[Terry jumps up from the floor and grabs his chair, throwing it against the wall so that the chair breaks into pieces. As Charlie and Karp scatter, Terry picks up a big stick-like piece of wood and chases Charlie backstage.]
ORION: Oh, for the love of Mike! (he runs around the wall and follows the boys backstage)
ORION'S VOICE: Young man, give me that chair fragment!
TERRY'S VOICE: So now you're siding with HIM! It's because I'm black, ain't it?!
[A smashing sound. Charlie can be heard crying like a little girl.]
ORION'S VOICE: Not the mirrors! Give me that stick, dammit!
[Onstage, Karp still stands on the other side of the wall so that Tammy can't see him, but he's holding out a hand around the wall. There is a package of Twinkies in his hand.]
KARP: Psst! Bachelorette! You want a Twinkie?
MR. TIBBLES: Go to commercial!
****
[Shot of Averman checking in with the dorm supervisor. As the voice-over continues, it changes to Luis checking in.]
VOICE-OVER: Senior year. A time of endings...and for Les Averman and Luis Mendoza, a time of beginnings...
[Averman and Luis get their first glimpse of their dorm room.]
VOICE-OVER: ...as they share a room the size of shoebox.
SOUNDBITE: "Only freshman should get rooms this tiny!"
VOICE-OVER: Join us for the fury...
[Mr. Stiles shouting and threatening plant theives as, in the background, the Bash Brothers steal one of his yucca plants.]
VOICE-OVER: the fighting...
[Various possessions being flung out of Charlie and Adam's shared room, accompanied by screams of "Slob!" and "Cake Eater!"]
VOICE-OVER: the drama...
[Averman and Luis doing the blind exercise during drama practice as classmates watch and whisper about what a cute couple they are.]
VOICE-OVER: and the confusion...
[Montage of shots: Annie crying, "You mean Aisha's straight?!" Averman saying, "Um, fire?" as Goldberg tries to save SimBuffy. Luis and Averman trying to unstick their plastered-in doorknob from the wall. Adam singing 'Dancing Queen.']
VOICE-OVER: ...of the WB's latest miniseries based on the best-selling, critically acclaimed story by Star: "Tales from the Shoebox"! Don't miss it, cake-eaters!
****
[The Dating Game set. Orion, wincing, is being tended to by a couple medics because he has a big lump on the side of his head. Charlie has a black eye and his arm is in a sling. Terry is being glared at by two burly security guys, who hold him by the arms between them. Karp is talking on a mobile phone, and Tammy is quietly eating a Twinkie, watching the medics caring for Orion.]
ORION: Welcome back, viewers. To cut down on the carnage, we've decided to let the Bachelorette make her choice now, and explain why she chose as she did. Tammy?
TAMMY: Well, first of all, I have to say that I DID NOT choose Bachelor One. You like the same music that I do, but you're the worst kind of chicken--you don't back up what you say. And secondly, I didn't choose Bachelor Three. It's only because I don't think we'd get along. Number Three, you seem too meek and indecisive for me. No offense, and thanks for the Twinkies.
KARP: (on the phone) Yes, thanks. Bye. (to Tammy) No problem, Tammy. You're welcome.
TERRY: So you chose me?
TAMMY: Yes, Number Two, I did. You handled Number One exactly like I would if I thought he'd insulted me--I respect that. We'll definitely have fun on our date!
[The security guys pick up Terry and walk around the wall. Tammy sighs and shakes her head.]
TAMMY: Let him go, ya big galoots.
[Terry, once released, walks up to Tammy and gives her a kiss on the cheek.]
TAMMY: (smiling) Number Two, you look so healthy and youthful.
TERRY: Thanks. You're pretty cute yourself.
ORION: Well, that's that. Join us next time for another episode of the Dating Game!
[The scene begins to fade to black.]
CHARLIE: Orion, you're like, the most boring person ever.
ORION: More boring than...(dramatic pause) former Vice-President and Democratic candidate Al Gore?
KARP: I wouldn't say that...
END TRANSMISSION
[SETTING: The retro 70s set of "The Dating Game." A wall splits the stage in two. On one side is the huge light-up Dating Game insignia and a comfortable chair. On the other side are three high-backed mahogany chairs with neon-green pleather cushions.]
[Coach Orion comes onstage. The theme music for "The Dating Game" starts.]
ORION: Hello and welcome to another very special edition of "The Dating Game"! I'm Coach Ted Orion--responsible father and hard-ass JV coach at Eden Hall. (sighs) What? I was only in one movie...people don't have a lot of information on me and my family other than the fact that I used to play in the NHL but gave it up when my beloved daughter was in a car accident and ended up in a wheelchair. And nobody wants to make jokes about that. Today, we have a returning contestant--the Bachelorette, Tammy Duncan! And may I say, that Oscar Meyer commercial you were in was sort of sad.
TAMMY: (shrugs) Hey, it pays the bills, Ted.
ORION: I have a friend who might be able to get you into a couple competitions for amateur figure skating.
TAMMY: Badass! I don't understand why Spazway had such a problem with you, man. You're SO much cooler than that pedo, Bombay.
[During Orion's monologue and the previous discussion, the Bachelors have come onstage and taken their--rather uncomfortable--seats. Charlie Conway is in the first seat, Terry Hall is in the middle, and Dave Karp sits on the end.]
ORION: Thanks very much, Ms. Duncan. Bachelors? Say hello to our lovely Bachelorette!
CHARLIE: Uh, hey.
TERRY: Hi, how are you?
KARP: Um...er...hello?
TAMMY: Hi, guys!
ORION: Ms. Duncan, get out your question cards so that we can play...
AUDIENCE: THE DATING GAME!
[Tammy rolls her eyes.]
TAMMY: Whatever. Okay, Bachelor One, what are your tastes in music?
CHARLIE: I like Pantera, AC DC, and Black Sabbath...those kind of bands.
TAMMY: Bachelor Three, describe your ideal woman.
KARP: Gosh, I don't know...
TAMMY: C'mon, man! Adjectives are your friend! Do you like 'em tall, short, skinny, fat, black, white, Indian, Asian, what?
KARP: Um...I guess...Heather Locklear?
[Complete silence. Tammy sighs.]
TAMMY: Right. (under her breath) Let's not waste any more time on you, man. (aloud) Bachelor Two, same question.
TERRY: I don't care what a girl looks like, as long as we can get along. If we enjoy spending time together and I make her happy, that's all I care about.
[Everyone onstage looks impressed with this answer, except for...]
KARP: (sullenly) I coulda said some bullshit like that, too.
****
[Shot of a frustrated-looking young woman, tapping a pencil on her desk as she stares at the notebook in front of her.]
VOICE-OVER: Do you ever feel like you can't measure up to the standards held for quality fanfiction?
[Various other voices say: "Your writing is flat and lifeless!" "I could barely finish reading this!" and "Don't you know a Mary Sue when you write one?" as the woman, now at her computer and signed onto the Internet, logs onto FanFiction.Net]
VOICE-OVER: Have you finally admitted that maybe, just maybe, those other writers aren't as crazy as you tried to convince yourself they were? Have you realized that, in the herd that is Ducks fanfiction writers, YOU are the sick wildebeast?
[Shot of a school campus that strongly resembles Eden Hall. As the voice-over goes on, images of the faculty teaching and of other students dillegently taking notes are shown.]
VOICE-OVER: If so, we encourage you to enroll at DUFF, the Ducks University of Fanfiction. You'll be taught by the experts--the team members of the Mighty Ducks themselves--how to write stories for the fandom. You'll be among your peers, some of whom are considered the elite of the fandom.
[Finally, the Mary Sue Containment Center is shown. Cut to Averman, controlling periodic flashes of purange as the Mary Sues flinch and cower.]
VOICE-OVER: And please, fanauthors, remember: "A Mary Sue is what we'd love to waste!"
AVERMAN: And we mean 'waste' in the sense of 'destroy completely,' as in a couple bullets to the brain. Unfortunately, since we're owned by Disney, guns don't exist in this world, so we just throw sunburned potatoes at them.
[Charisma and Quimby come into the scene. Charisma climbs up onto Averman's work station and begins chucking potatoes at the Mary Sues, while Quimby sits on the floor chanting, "Become one with the quail, become one with the quail..."]
CHARISMA: Sad as I am to admit it, Duff, Gilby, Slash, Axl, and anyone else affiliated with Guns 'n' Roses do not endorse DUFF in the slightest.
QUIMBY: Enroll now! (she puts a belt on her head) Because Quailgirl said to, bi-atch!
****
[Back to the Dating Game set. Mr. Tibbles and Coach Orion are arguing in hushed voices in one corner while Tammy paints her nails with Pond Scum Green by Crapola. Dave is sulking, Charlie is singing 'Hells Bells' in an off-key voice, and Terry is quietly doing some yoga.]
ORION: (sees the On-Air sign lit up) And, we're back! (shoves Mr. Tibbles out of the shot) Time for more questions from Tammy!
TAMMY: Right. (handles the cards carefully, trying not to smudge her nails) Bachelor Two, do you like watching MTV, VH1, or MTV2 the best?
KARP: Oh, MTV2, definitely. The other channels hardly ever play music videos anymore, and that's what music television is supposed to be about, isn't it?
TAMMY: (mutters to herself) Bonus points, Three. Maybe I'll give you a chance. (aloud) Bachelor One, describe Bachelor Two for me. And when he's done, Bachelor Two, do the same for him.
CHARLIE: Well, he's kind of short...a little on the skinny side, too. And he's doing yoga or something as we speak. He's black, and his hair hasn't been relaxed, but it's not quite a 'fro yet.
TERRY: Oh, we always gotta make it about color, don't we?
CHARLIE: Dude, nothing personal. But that's important to know.
TERRY: (scowling) Okay, Bachelorette, let me tell you about this punk here next to me. He's a white boy, as you no doubt have figured out, his hair is dark brown and all over the place on his pointy head, his eyes look kinda sunken in his face, and he's got a protruding forehead. Caveman, girl, complete caveman. He's tall and muscular and he's stinkin' up the place. Hey, when's the last time you took a bath, Christmas of '92?
CHARLIE: What? You little monkey!
TERRY: He called me a monkey! He called me a goddamned monkey! You racist bastard!
[Terry jumps up from the floor and grabs his chair, throwing it against the wall so that the chair breaks into pieces. As Charlie and Karp scatter, Terry picks up a big stick-like piece of wood and chases Charlie backstage.]
ORION: Oh, for the love of Mike! (he runs around the wall and follows the boys backstage)
ORION'S VOICE: Young man, give me that chair fragment!
TERRY'S VOICE: So now you're siding with HIM! It's because I'm black, ain't it?!
[A smashing sound. Charlie can be heard crying like a little girl.]
ORION'S VOICE: Not the mirrors! Give me that stick, dammit!
[Onstage, Karp still stands on the other side of the wall so that Tammy can't see him, but he's holding out a hand around the wall. There is a package of Twinkies in his hand.]
KARP: Psst! Bachelorette! You want a Twinkie?
MR. TIBBLES: Go to commercial!
****
[Shot of Averman checking in with the dorm supervisor. As the voice-over continues, it changes to Luis checking in.]
VOICE-OVER: Senior year. A time of endings...and for Les Averman and Luis Mendoza, a time of beginnings...
[Averman and Luis get their first glimpse of their dorm room.]
VOICE-OVER: ...as they share a room the size of shoebox.
SOUNDBITE: "Only freshman should get rooms this tiny!"
VOICE-OVER: Join us for the fury...
[Mr. Stiles shouting and threatening plant theives as, in the background, the Bash Brothers steal one of his yucca plants.]
VOICE-OVER: the fighting...
[Various possessions being flung out of Charlie and Adam's shared room, accompanied by screams of "Slob!" and "Cake Eater!"]
VOICE-OVER: the drama...
[Averman and Luis doing the blind exercise during drama practice as classmates watch and whisper about what a cute couple they are.]
VOICE-OVER: and the confusion...
[Montage of shots: Annie crying, "You mean Aisha's straight?!" Averman saying, "Um, fire?" as Goldberg tries to save SimBuffy. Luis and Averman trying to unstick their plastered-in doorknob from the wall. Adam singing 'Dancing Queen.']
VOICE-OVER: ...of the WB's latest miniseries based on the best-selling, critically acclaimed story by Star: "Tales from the Shoebox"! Don't miss it, cake-eaters!
****
[The Dating Game set. Orion, wincing, is being tended to by a couple medics because he has a big lump on the side of his head. Charlie has a black eye and his arm is in a sling. Terry is being glared at by two burly security guys, who hold him by the arms between them. Karp is talking on a mobile phone, and Tammy is quietly eating a Twinkie, watching the medics caring for Orion.]
ORION: Welcome back, viewers. To cut down on the carnage, we've decided to let the Bachelorette make her choice now, and explain why she chose as she did. Tammy?
TAMMY: Well, first of all, I have to say that I DID NOT choose Bachelor One. You like the same music that I do, but you're the worst kind of chicken--you don't back up what you say. And secondly, I didn't choose Bachelor Three. It's only because I don't think we'd get along. Number Three, you seem too meek and indecisive for me. No offense, and thanks for the Twinkies.
KARP: (on the phone) Yes, thanks. Bye. (to Tammy) No problem, Tammy. You're welcome.
TERRY: So you chose me?
TAMMY: Yes, Number Two, I did. You handled Number One exactly like I would if I thought he'd insulted me--I respect that. We'll definitely have fun on our date!
[The security guys pick up Terry and walk around the wall. Tammy sighs and shakes her head.]
TAMMY: Let him go, ya big galoots.
[Terry, once released, walks up to Tammy and gives her a kiss on the cheek.]
TAMMY: (smiling) Number Two, you look so healthy and youthful.
TERRY: Thanks. You're pretty cute yourself.
ORION: Well, that's that. Join us next time for another episode of the Dating Game!
[The scene begins to fade to black.]
CHARLIE: Orion, you're like, the most boring person ever.
ORION: More boring than...(dramatic pause) former Vice-President and Democratic candidate Al Gore?
KARP: I wouldn't say that...
END TRANSMISSION