Summary: A.U. (Does not follow the OOTP) Set on the 6th year at Hog warts. Cho and Harry have been dating for a year now. During their anniversary date, Harry notices that Cho has been acting more distant than usual. When he asks her what's wrong, she just shakes her head and says nothing. Harry, thinking something was wrong, does a reconnaissance mission and snoops on Cho. When he finds out that she's tired of Harry being goodie-two-shoes, he decides to change his image. The problem is, he doesn't know how to be bad, even if he tried. Desperate, he seeks the help of Hogwart's resident "Bad Boy," none other than Draco Malfoy himself! Will Harry survive Draco's lessons? Will Draco get bored with Harry and turn him to a toad? What happens when the virgin Ron decides to join them for lessons? Find out!
Category: Humor/Romance
Pairings: Harry/Cho, Ron/Various, Draco/Hermione, and hints on other various pairings.
Rating: PG-13 on early chapters….then moving to R on later chapters.
Chapter One: Wussies Suck!
Harry woke up that day feeling very refreshed. Spring is in the air: the flowers are blooming, a gentle breeze is blowing, and bunnies and other cute animals are frolicking. "Yep, this is promising to be a very good day!" thought Harry. He got dressed and headed to the Great Hall for breakfast in a very cheerful manner, very unlike him, ever since he saw Voldemort rise from the dead. Harry joins his Gryffindor friends at their table, sitting in his usual seat, between his best friends Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley, and started his break fast.
"Morning, mate!" mumbled Ron through a mouth full of eggs and toast.
"Morning. How are you today, good buddy 'ol Ron?" Harry greeted back enthusiastically, putting a friendly arm on Ron's shoulder. Ron looked at him weirdly, as if Harry just sprouted a second head or something.
"Wow, someone's very cheerful today! What's up with you, Harry" joined Hermione.
"Oh, same old, same old, Hermione! It's just that---" chirped Harry, while buttering his toast.
"What's up with Harry? Why is he grinning like a loony?" interrupted Fred Weasley, setting down his tray and joined the trio. His twin brother George did the same.
"As I was saying, it's just that today is my one year anniversary with Cho." Harry answered. His friends clapped and congratulated him, making Harry blush.
"Ah, well then Harry, you're in luck! We are allowed to visit Hogsmeade today! You can take Cho out for a special date! That would be so romantic," gushed Hermione.
"Speaking of Cho, here she comes now." Ron nudged Harry, who looked at the entrance of the Great Hall. However, Cho was not as cheerful as Harry today. In fact, she looked rather glum. Harry called her name and waved at her, while Cho waved back, albeit not as enthusiastically as Harry did.
"What's wrong with your 'ho?" mumbled Ron, mouth still full. This earned him a smack upside the head from Hermione.
"Bah, she's probably just nervous about her special date with Harry. You know how women get!" George answered. Hermione too gave him a slap upside the head.
"For your information, you insensitive pricks, Cho doesn't know about the date yet. I just suggested it today!" Hermione said indignantly. Harry nodded in agreement.
"Yes. I still haven't told her. Would you guys mind helping me plan---"
Before Harry finished his sentence, the Great Hall's doors slammed open. Standing at the entrance was none other than Draco Malfoy, flanked as usual by his two cronies, Crabbe and Goyle. "Oh great, there goes a perfect day!" thought Harry. The Slytherin trio walked towards the Gryffindor table.
"Potty. Weasels. Mudblood." Draco greeted each of them with a condescending nod as he passed.
"Hey Malfoy! Isn't the Slytherin table over there? What's the matter, hung out with Crabbe and Goyle for so long you're starting to lose your sense of direction?" teased Ron, while pointing at the Slytherin table, two tables across the Gryffindor one. The Gryffindor table let out a fit of giggles. This caused Draco to stop and turn around, but instead of snapping at Ron like he usually did when insulted, he just smirked.
"On the contrary, Weasel, I'm just here to claim a piece of Gryffindor ass to warm my bed tonight. Something you've obviously never managed to do." He drawled, then turned around to continue walking, causing his robes to flick with an elegant flourish behind him. The Great Hall echoed with "OOOOH's," especially from the girl students.
"Ouch! You must give it to Malfoy; he does know how to strike the right nerves! I do believe that he just ripped Ron a new one!" whispered Fred to George, while pointing at their little brother. Ron, having no witty comebacks on hand, just fumed and turned red as a tomato.
The Gryffindors watched as Draco Malfoy sauntered to his destination. He stopped behind Parvati Patil, hands down the most beautiful Gryffindor currently in school, and put his arms around her waist, then put his lips close to her ears sensually and whispered something. Harry, having a more sensitive hearing than his peers, was the only one who heard what Draco had whispered, aside from Parvati, who is now blushing like crazy as Draco slyly gave her a farewell grope on her ample breasts. Draco then walked away and gave a sexy wink, which Harry traced, was aimed at Hermione.
"Did you see what that brazen git did? He just groped Parvati in the breasts, acting like he does it everyday!" Ron stuttered angrily.
"And she didn't even slap him! Or even told him off!" complained Fred.
"That's nothing. You should've heard what he whispered to her." Harry muttered, while helping himself to some bacon and eggs. His friends looked at him in surprise.
"Well? What did he say to her?" asked Ron impatiently.
"Something like 'Look for me in in the dungeons. Don't wear any knickers.' Then he said something about having a 'ménage a trois' with Padma tonight." Harry shrugged. The Weasley brothers looked at Harry wide-eyed, and then looked towards the Slytherin table at Draco, who looked back at them smugly. He even wiggled his eyebrows as if to say "Beat that!" Hermione shocked and blushing red at Harry's revelation, finished her breakfast quickly and headed for the dorms.
"Hey! We're supposed to go to Hogsmeade today! Don't be late!" Ron yelled at Hermione, confused at what's up with Hermione and still fuming about Draco's affront to his masculinity at the same time.
An hour later, the Hogwart's students are filing in lines at the school's courtyard, waiting to check out with Filch to leave for Hogsmeade. Ron looked at Draco with envy; he was rarely seen not surrounded by girls ever since their third year. Draco, sensing them staring at him, even showed off and kneaded a fourth year Hufflepuff's rear as he hugged her close to him. Harry, on the other hand, remained unaffected. "Cho is all I need," he thought to himself. But he couldn't help but wish he could grope Cho like that in front of everyone. Hermione, who ran up to join them, looking flushed and winded, interrupted his thoughts.
"Where have you been? We almost left without you!" asked Ron, still fuming about Draco.
"None of your business." Hermione quipped, trying to straighten out her rumpled-looking clothing. Harry just raised an eyebrow at her. "I hope she washed her hands!" he sniggered in his thoughts.
"So, uhmm, 'Mione? Do you mind helping me plan something for my date with Cho?" Harry asked, somewhat embarrassed.
"Oh, don't worry too much, Harry. You've only been dating for a year, not married for a year. Just take her to the place where you two first dated. She will find it sweet that you remembered," she patted him reassuringly on the back.
"So, what are you guys doing while I'm on my date?"
"Don't worry about us, Harry. Ron and I will be hanging out at the Three Broomsticks, if you need us."
Soon, most of the students are in Hogsmeade. Since it is spring, almost everyone was paired up into couples. In the Three Broomsticks, Ron can't help but notice that everyone inside was on a date. There was Fred with Alicia Spinnet. Then George is making out with Angelina Johnson. Even Ginny Weasley, his little sister, was on a date with Blaise Zabini. Ron couldn't help but glance at Hermione, who was busy reading a book next to him.
"Spring sucks!" Muttered Ron, as he laid his head tiredly on the table.
"Then get a date." Said Hermione, still reading the book, entitled "Bad Wizards and the Good Witches Who Love Them." She took a sip of her butterbeer without taking her eyes off the book.
"This is injustice! Even Crabbe and Goyle have dates!" Ron despaired, pointing at the table where Crabbe and Goyle are having a double date with Pansy Parkinson and Millicent Bullstrode.
"Then get a date!" Hermione hissed under her breath, somewhat annoyed.
"Will you go out with me then?" asked Ron, looking hopeful.
"No." Hermione answered.
"Why?"
"You're not dark enough."
"Not dark enough?"
"Yes, I like dark, mysterious bad boys," she emphasized by pointing on the title of her book. "That's why I only went out with Viktor Krum and Blaise Zabini." Ron's eyes widened at this revelation.
"You mean you'll only go out with me if I'm an Voldemort-worshipping asshole?"
"Not necessarily an asshole. You're just, I don't know, too prudish for my tastes."
"What about Harry?"
"Please, you two are like peas in a pod."
"Well, it's official. I'm the biggest loser in Hogwart's history," Ron sighed. Hermione patted him on the head.
Meanwhile, on the other side of Hogsmeade, in Madam Puddifoot's Coffee Shop, Harry and Cho are finishing their desserts. Harry was blabbing on about his recent Qudditch match, while Cho was poking on her Crème Brulé while gazing longingly outside the window. A flower vendor passed by their table, and Harry, thinking Cho wanted flowers, brought Cho a dozen long stemmed roses and gave the vendor an extra galleon for a tip. Cho smiled at him in thanks, but couldn't help but sigh when she saw the same vendor pass Draco Malfoy's table; Draco, instead of buying the roses and giving extra tips, flicked his wand and lifted 2 dozens of roses and gave them to the giggling Padma and Parvati Patil, who didn't seem to mind his blatant thievery. Harry saw this too, and couldn't help but state his disgust for Draco at Cho.
"Show off. Why does he have to do that? His family is rich!" Harry muttered irritably.
"Simply because he can," sighed Cho, still looking at Draco. Harry followed her gaze at the Slytherin.
"So, uhmm, do you like the git? Draco, I mean," Harry moped.
"No. It's not that," Cho tried to reassure Harry.
"Then what is it then? You're acting like you're not happy to be with me at all. In fact, I noticed that you've done nothing but stare at that slimy git all day!" yelled Harry, causing several of the coffee shops patrons to stare at him. Draco even raised an eyebrow at his direction.
"Look, it's nothing, okay? I'm just tired. Can't we just go back to Hogwart's, please? I'll see you when I'm feeling better," Cho whispered soothingly, trying to calm Harry down.
"Sure. Go ahead. Just let me stay here and apologize to Madam Puddifoot. I'll see you at dinner, okay?" Harry conceded, albeit somewhat reluctantly.
"Okay love. I'll see you at dinner." Cho then stood up and gave Harry a kiss, then left the shop. Harry stayed and finished his dessert, while looking furiously at Draco, who is now whispering to the Patil twins, making them giggle. When he finished, Harry paid the bill and apologizes to Madam Puddifoot for the disturbance. As he passed Draco on the way to the door, Draco grabbed his arm and stopped him.
"What's wrong, Potter? Your chick dump you?" he asked.
"None of your business, Malfoy, now let me go!"
"Tch! Such temper. Honestly Potter, you shouldn't yell at girls. It's not very---nice."
"And who are you to tell me about being nice, Malfoy?"
"Common courtesy. But suit yourself. Just don't be too surprised when you see Cho on my bed. Have a good day, Potter."
It took all of Harry's self-control not to punch Draco. They are, after all, in front of women. And fighting in front of women goes against Harry's moral code.
"You're lucky, Malfoy, that I don't like to fight in front of women. Just pray that I don't catch you alone or I will personally rearrange that pretty face of yours," he hissed at Draco.
"OOOOH! I'm shaking, Potter. Really!" Draco mocked.
Harry, too angry to deal with Draco right now, decided to leave and head for the Three Broomsticks. As he left, Draco turned back to the Patil twins.
"See? I told you he's a wuss," he drawled, causing the twins to giggle.
In the Three Broomsticks, Harry sat down dejectedly on Ron and Hermione's table and moped. He's trying to think about what's up with Cho, but Draco's words kept interrupting his thoughts: "(Draco's voice) Just don't be too surprised when you see Cho on my bed." Harry chugged his butterbeer in one gulp and slammed the bottle on the table, alarming Hermione and waking up Ron.
"What's wrong, mate?" Ron asked groggily.
"How did your date with Cho go?" added Hermione, who finally put her book aside.
"Just peachy. Until that slimy git Malfoy showed up!" Harry muttered, chugging his second butterbeer.
"Why? What happened?" asked Hermione.
"I don't want to talk about it. I just want to find out what's wrong with Cho."
"Uhmm, Ron? Could you leave us for a moment?" requested Hermione at the confused Ron.
"Okay. I'm heading back to Hogwart's anyway. See you two at dinner." Ron stood up and left.
"So, do you really want to find out if something is wrong with Cho?" continued Hermione.
"Yes. I would give my Firebolt to know what's up. Why do you women have to be so damn complicated?"
"I know that's the butterbeer talking, so I'm going to let that go. Well, if you really want to know, then go to the Astronomy Tower, in the Astronomy Classroom, after dinner. Oh, and put on your Invisibility Cloak."
"Why? What's going on?"
"Shut up and do it. You'll see. Now let's go back to Hogwart's."
After dinner at Hogwart's, Harry returned to the Gryffindor dorms to retrieve his Invisibility Cloak. When Ron asked him what's up, Harry lied and told him he had to take back something to the library. Once out of the dorms, Harry put on his cloak and headed for the Astronomy Tower. When he got there, he was a little confused at what he saw. There, in the classroom, are various girls in their pajamas. Hermione was there, and so is Cho, along with Ginny, the Patil twins, Luna Lovegood, and other girls from various houses having a conversation. Harry sat down on the floor; close enough to hear, but far enough not to be felt by the girls.
"The meeting of the Hogwart's Pajama Club is now in session," announced Hermione. "The topic for tonight is "Bad Wizards and the Good Witches Who Love Them."
"So, Ginny, what's its like dating Blaise Zabini?" asked a Ravenclaw girl.
"Well, he's very cultured, well groomed, a perfect gentleman, but has a wild streak," answered Ginny, blushing.
"What did you guys do today?" asked Luna Lovegood.
"We started with light brunch on the Three Broomsticks. Then we walked around and shopped."
"Oh, how romantic! What did you do next?" goaded Luna, with a knowing tone on her voice.
"Don't tell my brothers, okay? Me and Blaise had wild monkey sex on the Shrieking Shack!" squealed Ginny. The girls let out excited squeals themselves, and Harry's jaw almost hit the floor. "Is this really Ginny? The same shy Ginny Weasley who had a crush on me? It's not possible!" Harry thought. After a while, the girls settled down and moved on to the Patil twins.
"Parvati. Padma. I heard you guys were with Draco Malfoy today," asked Hermione.
"Yes, we were," answered Padma.
"So? Spill already!" Hermione commanded impatiently.
"You know what Draco did to me this morning, right?" asked Parvati. The girls all nodded in affirmation. "Well, he told me to meet him in the dungeons and not wear any knickers. I did just that."
"What happened next?" A cute Hufflepuff girl asked excitedly.
"You know how Professor Snape is away on vacation? Well, since Draco is a Slytherin Prefect, Snape entrusted him with the keys to all of the rooms in the Slytherin Wing, including the Potions Lab. Long story short, we had sex---right on Professor Snape's desk!" squealed Parvati. The girls swooned and expressed their envy at Parvati.
"Oh, and it gets better. Later tonight, we are joining Draco---in Professor Snape's personal chambers!" added Padma. The girls squealed again and asked for details, making Harry cover his ears. "Oh my god! I just got a mental image of Malfoy doing those things! Ugh! Get out of my head!" Harry winced as he thought. Soon, the girls calmed down again and turned to Cho.
"So Cho, tell us about Harry," asked Ginny.
"Harry is okay, I guess. He's very cute, sweet, charming, and sometimes funny, but---"
"But what?" interrupted Parvati.
"Well, he can be boring sometimes," finished Cho. Harry couldn't believe his ears. Cho thinks he's boring? He listened more intently. "Look, I love Harry and all, but I sometimes wish he would do something exciting, like he does in his adventures! For someone who defeated Voldemort, Harry's idea of fun is to talk about Quidditch. If I wanted to talk about Quidditch all the time, I would have gone out with Ron Weasley!"
"That's so true!" added Parvati. "I remember when he asked me out on the Yule Ball before the Triwizard Tournament. He just danced with me one time then ignored me completely and spent the whole evening talking to Ron! Honestly, he should have his title changed from The-Boy-Who-Lived to The-Boy-Who-Needs-To-Get-A-Life."
Harry couldn't believe his ears. Is he really such a boring person? He felt conflicted; on one hand, he found out that Cho really loved him, not that git Draco. On the other hand, she thinks he's boring. He doesn't know whether to jump with joy or mope. He listened attentively as Cho added more grievances about him. He found out that on top of being a bore, he's also a prude, and only ranked an "average" when it comes to lovemaking. "Oh my god! I am a wuss!" Harry deduced. Harry then made up his mind: for the sake of his relationship with Cho, he will try to change a little. The problem is he doesn't know how. An hour later, the girl's meeting is almost coming to an end.
"So, in general consensus, the Hogwart's Pajama Club have decided unanimously that bad boys are preferable to good boys," Hermione dictated to the Club secretary, Ginny Weasley. "We will now adjourn the meeting with our traditional 'Top Ten Most Desirable Men in Hogwart's Poll.' Let's see. Ronald Weasley is Number 10. Followed by Professor Flitwick at Number 9. Seamus Finnegan at Number 8. Dobby at Number 7? Alright, who put this here?" asked Hermione.
A female house elf raised her hand shyly. "Okay, Winky. Dobby at Number 7 it is," Hermione continued. "Fred Weasley at Number 6, and George Weasley at Number 5. Honestly, how can you tell the difference? Harry Potter at Number 4. Blaise Zabini at Number 3. Professor Snape at Number 2. And finally, Draco Malfoy at Number 1! That's it. Meeting adjourned!"
A round of applause signified the end of the meeting. Harry Potter felt depressed as he exited the classroom. "I am below three Slytherins in the poll? That's injustice! I'm Harry-f*cking-Potter, for Merlin's sakes!" Harry thought, angrily. He made his way back to the Gryffindor Common Room, where Hermione was waiting for him.
"So? Learn anything useful?" asked Hermione. Harry tried to ignore her. "Oh come on, its not that bad. You could've been Ron. Poor guy, outranked by a goblin professor and a house elf," she joked.
"Yes. Although I could've done without learning about Draco having sex in Potions. Or Ginny having sex with Blaise at the Shrieking Shack. Excuse me, while I go throw up my dinner," stated Harry huffily as he tried to storm up to his dorm. Hermione stopped him.
"Look, I'm sorry you had to find out this way Harry. But I will try whatever it takes to save your relationship with Cho. What would you like me to do?" Hermione requested. Harry softened a little; he couldn't stay mad for long at Hermione, since she is really his most helpful friend.
"Well, you can teach me how to, you know, be a 'bad boy' like you girls so prefer."
"Oh, I can't help you with that, since I am not obviously a 'boy,' but I know someone who can. Let's wait here, okay?"
They sat by the fire of the Common Room. Hermione told Harry about the history of the Pajama Club, and how long have Cho been having problems with Harry. Harry's head swam with information about this secret world of girls, which steeled his determination to become a bad boy. All Harry can think off right now was who's going to mentor him in the "Ways of the Bad Boy," as Hermione put it. Is it Fred or George Weasley, since they did rather well on the poll? An hour later, they were interrupted by the arrival of Parvati Patil, who looked flushed and tired.
"So, Parvati, how was it?" asked Hermione.
"Oh, it was heaven!" Parvati gushed and continued to her dorm.
"Well, Harry, the person who is helping you is ready now."
"Who? Parvati?" asked Harry.
"No, silly! Just put on your cloak and wait for the person on the Astronomy Tower. This time, go to the balcony, not the classroom. I'm sure you'll find the person to help you in there. Oh, and ditch the cloak once you're in the balcony, so he won't think you were stalking him or something. Good night!"
Before Harry could press for details, Hermione have already shoved him outside the Common Room. He had no choice but to follow Hermione's instructions. He sneaked in the halls back to the Astronomy Tower. When he got to the balcony, he put the Invisibility Cloak under a statue of Uric the Oddball and sat on a nearby stone bench, his back towards the entrance and waited. It was relaxing in the balcony; the skies are clear, the moon is full, and the breeze is soothing. He almost fell asleep when he heard footsteps ascending the Tower. Harry stiffened and waited.
"Please don't be Snape. Please don't be Snape. Please don't be Snape." Harry chanted in a mantra-like manner.
"Potter? What the f*ck are you doing in my sanctuary?" drawled a familiar voice.
Harry stood up and clenched his fists. "Mental Note: Kill Hermione the first chance I get!" he thought. Then he slowly turned around. There, standing in the balcony entrance, was none other than Draco Malfoy, wearing nothing but his boxers and smoking a Muggle cigarette. Draco just grinned, and joined him.