I went back there again today. I can't believe that I've been back there
three times now. And yet I still haven't actually been inside again. I
always get to the same point and turn back. I don't know what it is about
that specific point. I know that one more footstep, one more paving stone
won't make any difference, yet I just can't move. I get to the same point,
freeze and have to turn back.
I know that nothing will happen if I go inside once more, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I just can't face it. Face seeing where it all happened. Where my life got taken away from me. The place at which my life was turned upside down. Ruined. The room in which I became a completely different person. Where I lost my confidence, self-esteem and self-respect. My confidence used to be one of the things I was proud of. I could walk into any room and be confident. Confident with who and what I was. But that's gone. I'm a shadow of my former self, in the literal sense too. I can't bring myself to eat much anymore either. It's as if, if I don't eat then I will become so thin that perhaps people, men, won't notice me or that men just won't find me attractive. And if they don't find me attractive then they won't want to do that to me, will they? And then because I don't eat, I don't have any energy. And that's partly why I've lost my self-respect. How can I respect someone, myself, when that person is deliberately wasting away. And I've also lost my self-respect for allowing him to do that to me in the first place. I should have been stronger, shouted louder, fought him off, somehow. But I didn't. I just let him do it, because I was scared. Well, it served me right then didn't it. If I didn't fight him off enough then it was my fault. It was all my fault.
I know that I will have to go in there again sometime. I still have things in my locker. I'm not quite sure what. I can't remember - it's been too long, but I know there's things in there. Things that are mine. Things that I know I shouldn't let him take from me, like he took my life as I knew it. But it's just that to get to my locker I will have to pass his office. The room in which it took place and I'm not sure I could do that. To see his name on the door would just be too much. Too wrong. He shouldn't still be working there, yet I bet he still is. I can't imagine that he would have admitted it. Admitted what he did. He probably made up some story as to why I left. Some story to try and cover himself. Try and cover up the real reason as to why I left. Why I had to leave. Because of him. Because of what he did to me.
I might make it inside again one day. Maybe. In many years time, so as to be certain that he won't still there. But for now, I can't see me getting past that particular paving stone. The fifth one from the door. The pain and scars are just too real, too new for me right now to be able to go any further. Just to get one stone closer will be an achievement for me. On step further. Just one more footstep nearer, that's all I'm aiming for at the moment. But I've just got to take on step at a time. It will happen one day. Just not today.
I know that nothing will happen if I go inside once more, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I just can't face it. Face seeing where it all happened. Where my life got taken away from me. The place at which my life was turned upside down. Ruined. The room in which I became a completely different person. Where I lost my confidence, self-esteem and self-respect. My confidence used to be one of the things I was proud of. I could walk into any room and be confident. Confident with who and what I was. But that's gone. I'm a shadow of my former self, in the literal sense too. I can't bring myself to eat much anymore either. It's as if, if I don't eat then I will become so thin that perhaps people, men, won't notice me or that men just won't find me attractive. And if they don't find me attractive then they won't want to do that to me, will they? And then because I don't eat, I don't have any energy. And that's partly why I've lost my self-respect. How can I respect someone, myself, when that person is deliberately wasting away. And I've also lost my self-respect for allowing him to do that to me in the first place. I should have been stronger, shouted louder, fought him off, somehow. But I didn't. I just let him do it, because I was scared. Well, it served me right then didn't it. If I didn't fight him off enough then it was my fault. It was all my fault.
I know that I will have to go in there again sometime. I still have things in my locker. I'm not quite sure what. I can't remember - it's been too long, but I know there's things in there. Things that are mine. Things that I know I shouldn't let him take from me, like he took my life as I knew it. But it's just that to get to my locker I will have to pass his office. The room in which it took place and I'm not sure I could do that. To see his name on the door would just be too much. Too wrong. He shouldn't still be working there, yet I bet he still is. I can't imagine that he would have admitted it. Admitted what he did. He probably made up some story as to why I left. Some story to try and cover himself. Try and cover up the real reason as to why I left. Why I had to leave. Because of him. Because of what he did to me.
I might make it inside again one day. Maybe. In many years time, so as to be certain that he won't still there. But for now, I can't see me getting past that particular paving stone. The fifth one from the door. The pain and scars are just too real, too new for me right now to be able to go any further. Just to get one stone closer will be an achievement for me. On step further. Just one more footstep nearer, that's all I'm aiming for at the moment. But I've just got to take on step at a time. It will happen one day. Just not today.