(A/N- I'm sorry I haven't been updating lately. School -_-; You understand.
But worry not! I would never intentionally dissapoint my fans.)
"Soon, Master Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves!" Gimli boasted happily as we made out way into the darkness.
"Not likely," I muttered, staying so close to Legolas that he'd almost tripped over me several times.
"You doubt me?" Gimli demanded, having overheard my comment. "You believe the mighty Dwarves to be inhospitable?"
"Let's just say that I know damn well that they're not going to welcome us," I responded. Gimli growled something about how 'a Man-child would no nothing of such a thing', then went on with his bragging.
"This is the home of my cousin, Balin. And they call it a mine. A mine!" he finished. Boromir looked around in horror at the hundreds of corpses unseen to the Dwarf.
"This is no mine," he said. "It's a tomb."
"Told you they wouldn't welcome us," I said to myself. Gimli was taking this awfully hard, moving from skeleton to skeleton, maybe looking for someone alive, trying to give himself false hope.
"No!" he cried. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Legolas yanked an arrow out of one of the bodies and examined it.
"Goblins!" he pronounced, readying himself for battle. The rest of the boys pulled out their swords (not THOSE swords, you pervs).
"We must go," someone said (I was too busy avoiding the long-dead Dwarves on the floor to distinguish exactly who had said that). "We should never have come here." Just then, Frodo yelped. Oh shit, the squid came out anyway?! Ugh. I stayed inside as the boys fought it off. Hey, it's not like *I* had anything to fight with! I would have been squid chow if I'd gone outside. So I waited patiently as the battle against the evil calamari raged on. Pieces of rock began to fall from the mouth of the tunnel.
"Guys!" I called. "The opening's about to cave! Get your butts in here! NOW!" To my utter surprise, they obeyed me very quickly. Maybe it was beginning to sink into their heads that I knew what was going on. Pshh, yeah right. Anyway, they assembled.
"Then we have no choice," Gandalf said, lighting his stick. "We must go through the mines."
"Oh, how delightful," I grumbled, picking my way over Dwarf corpses as Gandalf went on to explain about it being a four day walk to the end of the mines. "Not to offend anyone, but this whole situation sucks."
"Sucks what?" Merry wondered.
"You're too young to know," I replied.
~~~
"I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty," I bitched, as we climbed up that one damn steep stairway, "I have no clean clothes, I haven't had a shower for days, my hair's all tangled and greasy like Aragorn's-"
"Must you whine so?" Boromir demanded. He lowered his voice. "Although, I must say I quite agree with you about his hair..."
"Oh, yours is greasy, too," I informed. "In fact, the only one of us who doesn't look all skeazy is Elfy. He could be caught in a landslide and he'd still look fine as hell. Dammit, I hate Elves! They're tall, thin, and gorgeous, and I'm not!"
"You're in a less-than-pleasant mood," Aragorn stated.
"Yeah, and I think I'm getting my period, too," I growled. "And I'm sure there are no tampons in Middle-Earth." There was a long pause.
"Did anyone understand anything she just said?" Pippin asked.
"No," eight voices said. I rolled my eyes.
"Men," I groaned. I kept on complaining until Gandalf came to an abrupt halt at the landing at the top of the steps. He looked around and stated that he "had no memory of this place". So he sat down and started smoking. You know, to jog his memory. I, of course, knew exactly where to go, but I was too grateful to be allowed a rest to share this information. I decided to hang with the Dwarf, the Elf, the humans, and the midgets. Aragorn was smoking his own pipe, naturally. I groaned.
"I'm hungry," Pippin and I whined in unison. My stomach hurt, and I was beginning to develop a hunger headache.
"You guys wouldn't happen to have brought any coffee, would you?" I begged. "Chocolate? Sugar of any kind?"
"No, why?" Boromir asked absently.
"I need a sugar rush to keep me alive," I moaned. "Otherwise you big strong men might have to carry me the rest of the way."
"I'm not volunteering," he informed.
"Neither am I," Aragorn added.
"I wouldn't *want* you carrying me," I said. "You're smoking reefer. Anyone with half a brain knows not to let a stoner carry them; there's a very high chance of being dropped off a cliff onto sharp pointy rocks." He shrugged and continued to suck on his pipe. Sheesh, all that dope he does, and he manages to stay in shape.
"Perhaps your coming on this quest was unwise," Legolas said, sitting down next to me.
"Why?" I demanded.
"You obviously are not used to the physical exertion," he explained. I pouted.
"No, I'm not! I admit it!" I threw my arms around him, buried my face in his chest, and pretended to cry. "I'm weak! I'm weak!"
"I...meant no disrespect," he said. "I was simply stating the opinion that you did not seem to be up to this."
"But it's truuuuuuuuuee!" I wailed melodramatically. "I'm no good at anything! I'm worthless! Just kill me!"
"It's very tempting..." Boromir said thoughtfully. Legolas and Aragorn shushed him. "Well, it is," he shot back.
"Oh, shut up, Boromir. You suck Orc dick," I said, forgetting my fake crying. Everyone who had heard me replied in unison,
"What?"
"...Nevermind."
(A/N- Sorry it's short. Hopefully you got a jolly good chuckle out of it though. ^_^ Bye!)
"Soon, Master Elf, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Dwarves!" Gimli boasted happily as we made out way into the darkness.
"Not likely," I muttered, staying so close to Legolas that he'd almost tripped over me several times.
"You doubt me?" Gimli demanded, having overheard my comment. "You believe the mighty Dwarves to be inhospitable?"
"Let's just say that I know damn well that they're not going to welcome us," I responded. Gimli growled something about how 'a Man-child would no nothing of such a thing', then went on with his bragging.
"This is the home of my cousin, Balin. And they call it a mine. A mine!" he finished. Boromir looked around in horror at the hundreds of corpses unseen to the Dwarf.
"This is no mine," he said. "It's a tomb."
"Told you they wouldn't welcome us," I said to myself. Gimli was taking this awfully hard, moving from skeleton to skeleton, maybe looking for someone alive, trying to give himself false hope.
"No!" he cried. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Legolas yanked an arrow out of one of the bodies and examined it.
"Goblins!" he pronounced, readying himself for battle. The rest of the boys pulled out their swords (not THOSE swords, you pervs).
"We must go," someone said (I was too busy avoiding the long-dead Dwarves on the floor to distinguish exactly who had said that). "We should never have come here." Just then, Frodo yelped. Oh shit, the squid came out anyway?! Ugh. I stayed inside as the boys fought it off. Hey, it's not like *I* had anything to fight with! I would have been squid chow if I'd gone outside. So I waited patiently as the battle against the evil calamari raged on. Pieces of rock began to fall from the mouth of the tunnel.
"Guys!" I called. "The opening's about to cave! Get your butts in here! NOW!" To my utter surprise, they obeyed me very quickly. Maybe it was beginning to sink into their heads that I knew what was going on. Pshh, yeah right. Anyway, they assembled.
"Then we have no choice," Gandalf said, lighting his stick. "We must go through the mines."
"Oh, how delightful," I grumbled, picking my way over Dwarf corpses as Gandalf went on to explain about it being a four day walk to the end of the mines. "Not to offend anyone, but this whole situation sucks."
"Sucks what?" Merry wondered.
"You're too young to know," I replied.
~~~
"I'm tired, I'm hungry, I'm thirsty," I bitched, as we climbed up that one damn steep stairway, "I have no clean clothes, I haven't had a shower for days, my hair's all tangled and greasy like Aragorn's-"
"Must you whine so?" Boromir demanded. He lowered his voice. "Although, I must say I quite agree with you about his hair..."
"Oh, yours is greasy, too," I informed. "In fact, the only one of us who doesn't look all skeazy is Elfy. He could be caught in a landslide and he'd still look fine as hell. Dammit, I hate Elves! They're tall, thin, and gorgeous, and I'm not!"
"You're in a less-than-pleasant mood," Aragorn stated.
"Yeah, and I think I'm getting my period, too," I growled. "And I'm sure there are no tampons in Middle-Earth." There was a long pause.
"Did anyone understand anything she just said?" Pippin asked.
"No," eight voices said. I rolled my eyes.
"Men," I groaned. I kept on complaining until Gandalf came to an abrupt halt at the landing at the top of the steps. He looked around and stated that he "had no memory of this place". So he sat down and started smoking. You know, to jog his memory. I, of course, knew exactly where to go, but I was too grateful to be allowed a rest to share this information. I decided to hang with the Dwarf, the Elf, the humans, and the midgets. Aragorn was smoking his own pipe, naturally. I groaned.
"I'm hungry," Pippin and I whined in unison. My stomach hurt, and I was beginning to develop a hunger headache.
"You guys wouldn't happen to have brought any coffee, would you?" I begged. "Chocolate? Sugar of any kind?"
"No, why?" Boromir asked absently.
"I need a sugar rush to keep me alive," I moaned. "Otherwise you big strong men might have to carry me the rest of the way."
"I'm not volunteering," he informed.
"Neither am I," Aragorn added.
"I wouldn't *want* you carrying me," I said. "You're smoking reefer. Anyone with half a brain knows not to let a stoner carry them; there's a very high chance of being dropped off a cliff onto sharp pointy rocks." He shrugged and continued to suck on his pipe. Sheesh, all that dope he does, and he manages to stay in shape.
"Perhaps your coming on this quest was unwise," Legolas said, sitting down next to me.
"Why?" I demanded.
"You obviously are not used to the physical exertion," he explained. I pouted.
"No, I'm not! I admit it!" I threw my arms around him, buried my face in his chest, and pretended to cry. "I'm weak! I'm weak!"
"I...meant no disrespect," he said. "I was simply stating the opinion that you did not seem to be up to this."
"But it's truuuuuuuuuee!" I wailed melodramatically. "I'm no good at anything! I'm worthless! Just kill me!"
"It's very tempting..." Boromir said thoughtfully. Legolas and Aragorn shushed him. "Well, it is," he shot back.
"Oh, shut up, Boromir. You suck Orc dick," I said, forgetting my fake crying. Everyone who had heard me replied in unison,
"What?"
"...Nevermind."
(A/N- Sorry it's short. Hopefully you got a jolly good chuckle out of it though. ^_^ Bye!)