Risks
Author: Moggie
Pairing: G/S
Category: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Summary: [GSR] PostEp Butterflied. Something that won't happen, but I wish would.
Spoilers: Too Tough to Die. Burden of Proof. The Finger. The Accused is Entitled. Butterflied.
Disclaimer: I do not under any circumstances own CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.
Notes: I have only seen video clips so I'm only using bits of knowledge here. Enjoy. Oh, and a huge thank you csibugman for giving me a kick in the ass. I was ready to scrap this.
Notes: Thank you to all for your reviews. It means a lot to me to hear what you think. Let's hope I can keep up the good work in this next bit. I am also slowly writing new chapters for 'live to love' and I shall be working on the next 'honeymooners' chapter with gsrfan very soon.
Parking Lot
She sat staring at the back of the passenger seat for what seemed like an eternity. His admission of love. His powerful kiss. His tight hold on her. His tears. His broken heart. It left a permanent scolding feeling all over her body. It felt good, but it didn't quash the fact that he confessed to her. He told her. He talked to her. He got angry about it all and passionate about it all, only to refuse his heart's need.
She wasn't going to let him refuse to feel. She couldn't allow him to close off for good. She knew his heart more than she did a day ago. She now knew what she had to do.
Grissom's Townhouse
"That your answer to everything?" She asked, standing in his doorway.
His head snapped up. "How did you get in here?"
Ignoring the anger in his question, she closed the door after her. "It was open. Must have forgotten to close it in your hurry to hide away from the world."
He scoffed and turned back to the drink in his hand. "I'm not hiding away."
"Right." She nodded, walking towards him slowly. "So, you're sitting here with," She studied his glass for a seond before continuing. "With what looks like a triple burban. Drowning your sorrows-"
"What are you doing here? We have nothing to talk about." He tipped his glass and gulped down the remainder of the rich golden brown liquid.
She shook her head and growled in frustration. "You are so-" She cut herself off before she said anything else. She didn't want to argue.
He leaned forward and picked up the crsytal bottle by it's neck and poured it into the glass with a steady hand. "We've talked about this. I don't want to do this anymore. Just, go home. Leave me alone."
When he raised the lip of the glass to his mouth, she stepped forward and snatched it away.
"Sara!" He growled, standing unsteadily. "Get out of my home!"
She walked over to the breakfast bar and practically dropped the glass on the surface, spilling a considerably amount of liquid.
"Just leave!" He hissed, throwing himself back into this chair.
"Fine." She said softly, returning to his side. "Just one thing."
He sighed and rubbed his face vigourously.
"You're the one who started this thing, between us." She almost shouted. "You're the one who persisted on getting close to me. Don't back away from something You! started."
She turned away and walked to the door. Her heart was ricoheting off her insides as she opened the barrier to the outside world. "You can't say you love someone and then take it back because you are too much of a coward to follow your heart."
He listened to the lock click as his chin dropped to his chest. His hand tightened on the box in his grip as his eyes slammed shut.
Sara's Car
Her hands gripped the wheel as her eyes betrayed her strength. She may have shown a will of iron and a brave face, but in reality, it was a front, a cover to mask her feelings and fears. The truth was, she was petrified. Of what exactly, she couldn't pinpoint to one specific answer. Everything she had witnessed. Everything she had said and felt. It all ate away at her heart as she battled to hold out hope one last time.
She knew her resignation was a good thing. Only good could come from it now. It hadn't been a rash decision. It had been one that she had been thinking on and off for a year and a half. It was still the right thing to do. If she could take her life by the reins, get some control, she might yet live to see some happiness and maybe he could too.
Grissom's Townhouse
Papilio Glaucus Linnaeus or otherwise known as, the Eastern Tiger Swallowtail. It's wing span 9.2-16.5cm. It's females has two forms, one yellow, like the male and the other, black with shadows of dark stripes, covered in many iridescent blue scales and an orange marginal spot. It feeds on flowers from a variety of plants which include cherry and lilac. It lives in deciduous broadleaf woods, parks, forest edges, river valleys and suburbs in areas as Eastern North America, Ontario, Gulf coast, west to Colorado plains and central Texas.
All this information registered instantly as his hand raised the box to eye level. He had one just like it, but this was more than just another to add to his collection. This was one very like the butterfly he removed from her blouse one day at a forensic's conference. It seemed almost exact, except for a few more spots on the underside and it's brighter yellow wings.
What was it supposed to mean? He kept thinking back to the car. Kissing her. Touching her. Holding her. Tasting her. It all flooded his senses and with his sudden heightened state, he couldn't sit much longer.
Although he had three drinks, he didn't feel too woozy. He hadn't drank triples in a while and it seemed to give him the buzz he needed to calm down and forget about what happened.
Passing a window on his way to his room, he noticed a blue Tahoe parked behind his. He knew that car and he knew the person sitting in it. His brain told him to move on, forget and pass by like it didn't mean a thing in the world, but-
But it did.
His heart almost exploded in his chest as he watched her with suddenly very sober eyes. His index finger lightly traced the out edge of the box in his hand as he battled to stay where he was.
It would mean his job. It would cause everything he worked for to collapse. He's whole life would mean failure if he stopped now and gave in to the new life he saw whenever he looked at her, whenever he touched her. She offered him so little and all he had to do was give himself to her. It was a fair exchange, but the outcome could be disasterous.
Sara's Car
The sudden vibration on her hip startled her and she let out an audible gasp as she retrieved her cell phone. '-I don't want to hurt you-' She read, her eyes instantly filled with tears.
Another vibration.
'-I'm scared-'
Another vibration a moment later.
'-If I let down my guard, we could both be hurt-'
It was quiet for a long time as she stared at the grey screen. What had that meant? How much more hurt could you get?
The vibration didn't give her the answer she was looking for, it only angered her.
'-Everything will be better from now on. Now you've moved on, I can move on- '
Biting her lower lip in something close to frustration, but more bordering steaming anger.
Grissom's Townhouse
He watched her exit her car and storm up the path. He held the door handle, but froze. Letting her in would mean more complications. More anger. More hurt.
But he didn't have much of a choice when she started hammering on his door, demanding he open it now.
"You asshole! You think me leaving is going to solve anything!? Is that what you think!?" She shouted, pushing her way past him, only to turn and pin him with a deadly glare. "This isn't going to solve anything! You know that and I know that! We've both tried for Christ Sake!"
"It will be easier." He sighed.
She shook her head, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "No. You think it will be. You've rationalised that it will be, but in fact, the whole thing will be the opposite. It will hit us twice as hard."
Pushing the door closed, he leaned against it. His anger was welling up again as she continued to shout and point out that there was hope and choices.
"We run ours own lives. You've done that. I've done that, but somewhere along the line of our lives, we collided and derailed. Now we can't get back on the tracks because something happened to change who we once were." She took a deep breath, leaning slightly forward to make sure he was listening. "I know it's scary. I know you're freightened. I'm freightened too. This isn't something that happens to me everyday," She paused and a wry smile appeared. "That's not entirely true, you have this affect on me that I just can't describe and it makes me feel good," Her smile faded. "But you have the opposite affect as well."
He listened, relunctantly he listened and so did his heart.
"One minute I will feel warm and tingly, then the next, cold and hurt." She sighed. "I know you feel it. You proved that. You showed me. You can't take that away from me once you've given something like," She looked at him, looked into his eyes, seeing the dark blue glow as she spoke. "You can't take the warmth of your lips pressed against mine, the beat of your heart against mine, the strength in your arms around my body and take it from me like a sweet from a baby." She paused for a minute for him to fully understand what she was saying. "You can't rip my heart in two just because your's isn't strong enough to pick up the pieces if this doesn't work out."
"It won't." He whispered.
"You don't know that!" She angrily growled, stomping her foot.
His eyes were showing everything. He was completely unguarded. Each and everyone of his defences were down, but his anger, his pain and his heart felt betrayel.
"I know it won't, Sara. I know that someday soon, a handsome, young and good man, will enter your life and you won't be able to resist." His words forced lightness, when in fact he knew she was reading him like a much opened book. "I won't do it." He said as he watched her eyes bore into his.
Taking a deep breath, she stood up straighter. "Do you care about me?" She asked.
He didn't know his heart could beat so fast.
"Yes." He answered honestly.
"Do you love me?" She waited for him to answer.
Why was she asking him this?
"Yes." He swallowed hard.
"Then give us a chance." She pleaded, stepping closer until she was touching him with her body against his.
His slow shake of the head betrayed what he said. "I would, but it would mean sacrificing so much."
She nodded. "One of the reasons you didn't persue this, the reasons you resisted, was because of our positions at the lab."
He saw where she was going and sighed. "It's not that simple."
"You keep saying that." She grumbled, lightly playing with the material of his sleeve.
"If it was just our compromisation in the lab, I could, perhaps, have figured something out, but it's more than that. You will find someone, Sara. I know it." He told her softly, trying like hell to ignore the fact that she was very close to him. Too close.
She raised her eyes to his and showed him everything she felt with soft brown eyes. "I don't want anyone else. I want you."
Her voice was small, almost childlike and he knew she was fighting back tears.
"Why are you making this so hard on us both?" He asked quietly, closing his eyes briefly.
"Because I love you and I don't want to lose you before I have you." She whispered sadly, moving away to wipe her eyes as the moisture failed to go away.
"Sara-" He called her name softly as he walked to her. His need to comfort her was too strong and he couldn't do anything to stop it.
The tears came and came. They wouldn't stop, even when he pulled her to him and held her. She didn't even have the energy to hold onto him anymore. She just let him hold her in his arms as she cried out her pain in quiet, almost silent sobs against his chest.
He brushed his fingers through her hair as he pressed his lips to the silkiness. "I can't do anything. I'm sorry."
She nodded, still crying. "I know." She sighed tiredly. "I just wish we tried."
"We did try." He pulled her tighter. "We spent 4 years trying. And like you said, something happened to us and we will never be able to get back on the rails-"
"I don't want to be alone." She whispered sadly, slowly pushing her arms away from her body to wrapped around him.
He sighed softly into her hair. "Me either."
"I love you. I don't think I can never be in love with you." She confessed, brushing her face against his shirt.
Closing his eyes against a lone tear, he let out a long defeated breath.
"Can you do one thing for me before I go?" She asked quietly, not daring to move.
Opening his eyes slowly, he sniffled slightly. "If I can."
It wasn't a matter of taking her time with asking him, it was more of being too afraid to ask.
"Will you sleep with me?" She forgot to breath when he didn't answer, for his entire body went still. "Just once."
He looked into her eyes when she pulled back to look at him. "Sara, I-I don't know if I can." His eyes closed as she leaned into him.
"I can't promise not to come back. I-I can't be away from you. I love you too much not to see you. You feel the same, don't you?" She asked him as she lightly pressed her lips to his chin.
"Yes." He whispered, returning pressure against her lips as she kissed him.
"Will you-"
"Yes." He replied before she could repeat her question.
His lips covered hers gently, more gently than the first kiss. This was a kiss that showed more. It expressed not just what they were feeling, but what they would miss.
While they were away from each other anyway.
THE END
-And that is the end. No jokes this time.-
Author: Moggie
Pairing: G/S
Category: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Summary: [GSR] PostEp Butterflied. Something that won't happen, but I wish would.
Spoilers: Too Tough to Die. Burden of Proof. The Finger. The Accused is Entitled. Butterflied.
Disclaimer: I do not under any circumstances own CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.
Notes: I have only seen video clips so I'm only using bits of knowledge here. Enjoy. Oh, and a huge thank you csibugman for giving me a kick in the ass. I was ready to scrap this.
Notes: Thank you to all for your reviews. It means a lot to me to hear what you think. Let's hope I can keep up the good work in this next bit. I am also slowly writing new chapters for 'live to love' and I shall be working on the next 'honeymooners' chapter with gsrfan very soon.
Parking Lot
She sat staring at the back of the passenger seat for what seemed like an eternity. His admission of love. His powerful kiss. His tight hold on her. His tears. His broken heart. It left a permanent scolding feeling all over her body. It felt good, but it didn't quash the fact that he confessed to her. He told her. He talked to her. He got angry about it all and passionate about it all, only to refuse his heart's need.
She wasn't going to let him refuse to feel. She couldn't allow him to close off for good. She knew his heart more than she did a day ago. She now knew what she had to do.
Grissom's Townhouse
"That your answer to everything?" She asked, standing in his doorway.
His head snapped up. "How did you get in here?"
Ignoring the anger in his question, she closed the door after her. "It was open. Must have forgotten to close it in your hurry to hide away from the world."
He scoffed and turned back to the drink in his hand. "I'm not hiding away."
"Right." She nodded, walking towards him slowly. "So, you're sitting here with," She studied his glass for a seond before continuing. "With what looks like a triple burban. Drowning your sorrows-"
"What are you doing here? We have nothing to talk about." He tipped his glass and gulped down the remainder of the rich golden brown liquid.
She shook her head and growled in frustration. "You are so-" She cut herself off before she said anything else. She didn't want to argue.
He leaned forward and picked up the crsytal bottle by it's neck and poured it into the glass with a steady hand. "We've talked about this. I don't want to do this anymore. Just, go home. Leave me alone."
When he raised the lip of the glass to his mouth, she stepped forward and snatched it away.
"Sara!" He growled, standing unsteadily. "Get out of my home!"
She walked over to the breakfast bar and practically dropped the glass on the surface, spilling a considerably amount of liquid.
"Just leave!" He hissed, throwing himself back into this chair.
"Fine." She said softly, returning to his side. "Just one thing."
He sighed and rubbed his face vigourously.
"You're the one who started this thing, between us." She almost shouted. "You're the one who persisted on getting close to me. Don't back away from something You! started."
She turned away and walked to the door. Her heart was ricoheting off her insides as she opened the barrier to the outside world. "You can't say you love someone and then take it back because you are too much of a coward to follow your heart."
He listened to the lock click as his chin dropped to his chest. His hand tightened on the box in his grip as his eyes slammed shut.
Sara's Car
Her hands gripped the wheel as her eyes betrayed her strength. She may have shown a will of iron and a brave face, but in reality, it was a front, a cover to mask her feelings and fears. The truth was, she was petrified. Of what exactly, she couldn't pinpoint to one specific answer. Everything she had witnessed. Everything she had said and felt. It all ate away at her heart as she battled to hold out hope one last time.
She knew her resignation was a good thing. Only good could come from it now. It hadn't been a rash decision. It had been one that she had been thinking on and off for a year and a half. It was still the right thing to do. If she could take her life by the reins, get some control, she might yet live to see some happiness and maybe he could too.
Grissom's Townhouse
Papilio Glaucus Linnaeus or otherwise known as, the Eastern Tiger Swallowtail. It's wing span 9.2-16.5cm. It's females has two forms, one yellow, like the male and the other, black with shadows of dark stripes, covered in many iridescent blue scales and an orange marginal spot. It feeds on flowers from a variety of plants which include cherry and lilac. It lives in deciduous broadleaf woods, parks, forest edges, river valleys and suburbs in areas as Eastern North America, Ontario, Gulf coast, west to Colorado plains and central Texas.
All this information registered instantly as his hand raised the box to eye level. He had one just like it, but this was more than just another to add to his collection. This was one very like the butterfly he removed from her blouse one day at a forensic's conference. It seemed almost exact, except for a few more spots on the underside and it's brighter yellow wings.
What was it supposed to mean? He kept thinking back to the car. Kissing her. Touching her. Holding her. Tasting her. It all flooded his senses and with his sudden heightened state, he couldn't sit much longer.
Although he had three drinks, he didn't feel too woozy. He hadn't drank triples in a while and it seemed to give him the buzz he needed to calm down and forget about what happened.
Passing a window on his way to his room, he noticed a blue Tahoe parked behind his. He knew that car and he knew the person sitting in it. His brain told him to move on, forget and pass by like it didn't mean a thing in the world, but-
But it did.
His heart almost exploded in his chest as he watched her with suddenly very sober eyes. His index finger lightly traced the out edge of the box in his hand as he battled to stay where he was.
It would mean his job. It would cause everything he worked for to collapse. He's whole life would mean failure if he stopped now and gave in to the new life he saw whenever he looked at her, whenever he touched her. She offered him so little and all he had to do was give himself to her. It was a fair exchange, but the outcome could be disasterous.
Sara's Car
The sudden vibration on her hip startled her and she let out an audible gasp as she retrieved her cell phone. '-I don't want to hurt you-' She read, her eyes instantly filled with tears.
Another vibration.
'-I'm scared-'
Another vibration a moment later.
'-If I let down my guard, we could both be hurt-'
It was quiet for a long time as she stared at the grey screen. What had that meant? How much more hurt could you get?
The vibration didn't give her the answer she was looking for, it only angered her.
'-Everything will be better from now on. Now you've moved on, I can move on- '
Biting her lower lip in something close to frustration, but more bordering steaming anger.
Grissom's Townhouse
He watched her exit her car and storm up the path. He held the door handle, but froze. Letting her in would mean more complications. More anger. More hurt.
But he didn't have much of a choice when she started hammering on his door, demanding he open it now.
"You asshole! You think me leaving is going to solve anything!? Is that what you think!?" She shouted, pushing her way past him, only to turn and pin him with a deadly glare. "This isn't going to solve anything! You know that and I know that! We've both tried for Christ Sake!"
"It will be easier." He sighed.
She shook her head, pushing her hair out of her eyes. "No. You think it will be. You've rationalised that it will be, but in fact, the whole thing will be the opposite. It will hit us twice as hard."
Pushing the door closed, he leaned against it. His anger was welling up again as she continued to shout and point out that there was hope and choices.
"We run ours own lives. You've done that. I've done that, but somewhere along the line of our lives, we collided and derailed. Now we can't get back on the tracks because something happened to change who we once were." She took a deep breath, leaning slightly forward to make sure he was listening. "I know it's scary. I know you're freightened. I'm freightened too. This isn't something that happens to me everyday," She paused and a wry smile appeared. "That's not entirely true, you have this affect on me that I just can't describe and it makes me feel good," Her smile faded. "But you have the opposite affect as well."
He listened, relunctantly he listened and so did his heart.
"One minute I will feel warm and tingly, then the next, cold and hurt." She sighed. "I know you feel it. You proved that. You showed me. You can't take that away from me once you've given something like," She looked at him, looked into his eyes, seeing the dark blue glow as she spoke. "You can't take the warmth of your lips pressed against mine, the beat of your heart against mine, the strength in your arms around my body and take it from me like a sweet from a baby." She paused for a minute for him to fully understand what she was saying. "You can't rip my heart in two just because your's isn't strong enough to pick up the pieces if this doesn't work out."
"It won't." He whispered.
"You don't know that!" She angrily growled, stomping her foot.
His eyes were showing everything. He was completely unguarded. Each and everyone of his defences were down, but his anger, his pain and his heart felt betrayel.
"I know it won't, Sara. I know that someday soon, a handsome, young and good man, will enter your life and you won't be able to resist." His words forced lightness, when in fact he knew she was reading him like a much opened book. "I won't do it." He said as he watched her eyes bore into his.
Taking a deep breath, she stood up straighter. "Do you care about me?" She asked.
He didn't know his heart could beat so fast.
"Yes." He answered honestly.
"Do you love me?" She waited for him to answer.
Why was she asking him this?
"Yes." He swallowed hard.
"Then give us a chance." She pleaded, stepping closer until she was touching him with her body against his.
His slow shake of the head betrayed what he said. "I would, but it would mean sacrificing so much."
She nodded. "One of the reasons you didn't persue this, the reasons you resisted, was because of our positions at the lab."
He saw where she was going and sighed. "It's not that simple."
"You keep saying that." She grumbled, lightly playing with the material of his sleeve.
"If it was just our compromisation in the lab, I could, perhaps, have figured something out, but it's more than that. You will find someone, Sara. I know it." He told her softly, trying like hell to ignore the fact that she was very close to him. Too close.
She raised her eyes to his and showed him everything she felt with soft brown eyes. "I don't want anyone else. I want you."
Her voice was small, almost childlike and he knew she was fighting back tears.
"Why are you making this so hard on us both?" He asked quietly, closing his eyes briefly.
"Because I love you and I don't want to lose you before I have you." She whispered sadly, moving away to wipe her eyes as the moisture failed to go away.
"Sara-" He called her name softly as he walked to her. His need to comfort her was too strong and he couldn't do anything to stop it.
The tears came and came. They wouldn't stop, even when he pulled her to him and held her. She didn't even have the energy to hold onto him anymore. She just let him hold her in his arms as she cried out her pain in quiet, almost silent sobs against his chest.
He brushed his fingers through her hair as he pressed his lips to the silkiness. "I can't do anything. I'm sorry."
She nodded, still crying. "I know." She sighed tiredly. "I just wish we tried."
"We did try." He pulled her tighter. "We spent 4 years trying. And like you said, something happened to us and we will never be able to get back on the rails-"
"I don't want to be alone." She whispered sadly, slowly pushing her arms away from her body to wrapped around him.
He sighed softly into her hair. "Me either."
"I love you. I don't think I can never be in love with you." She confessed, brushing her face against his shirt.
Closing his eyes against a lone tear, he let out a long defeated breath.
"Can you do one thing for me before I go?" She asked quietly, not daring to move.
Opening his eyes slowly, he sniffled slightly. "If I can."
It wasn't a matter of taking her time with asking him, it was more of being too afraid to ask.
"Will you sleep with me?" She forgot to breath when he didn't answer, for his entire body went still. "Just once."
He looked into her eyes when she pulled back to look at him. "Sara, I-I don't know if I can." His eyes closed as she leaned into him.
"I can't promise not to come back. I-I can't be away from you. I love you too much not to see you. You feel the same, don't you?" She asked him as she lightly pressed her lips to his chin.
"Yes." He whispered, returning pressure against her lips as she kissed him.
"Will you-"
"Yes." He replied before she could repeat her question.
His lips covered hers gently, more gently than the first kiss. This was a kiss that showed more. It expressed not just what they were feeling, but what they would miss.
While they were away from each other anyway.
THE END
-And that is the end. No jokes this time.-